Virtually Nurul – { Research | Fitness | Designs } by Nurul

Category: Whatevs

  • Sometimes I Forgot to Draw or Find the Line

    Recently I have been asked to help with the family business to build on my dad’s vision again and with my sister-in-law’s business.

    I liked the idea and decided to help out. As we went along with the plan and I brought things to speed up, suddenly I got sabotaged again. My reputation on the line.

    Brought my brother to view on some stuffs on a gym which I knew the owners agreed to things – and then these two are playing games with me or us. The gym owner seemed so desperate to get the cash in despite of my assurance. I, for one hand felt as if my words and integrity have no value. And when I communicate to my brother, he has now changed his mind. This of course jeopardises my credibility with other people that I have promised stuffs. Relating to past event, I felt triggered that it’s gonna be like that all over again.

    I decided to do nothing until I have my thinking right. But it is clear now, the way my brother or my dad sees my role is the same as it was. I must draw the line and not fall into the same scenario again. My life is going so well now. Don’t sacrifice everything for them. Don’t give them the power to hold my lifeline again.

    I must communicate with them. I am just going to consult but if this is the way they are, not following the plan that I worked hard for – I am just not going to waste my time executing it. You want to do it your way, it’s your call, but I’m not gonna be involved.

    Damn it – I really should withdraw my name from all the companies. They don’t bring me happiness and I don’t in any way want to be involved in it.

    Main lesson here, always trust my gut feeling about a person. If they make me feel desperate – they are outright manipulative and just move on find someone else to work with. People don’t really change and don’t torture yourself working with people who are not compatible with you. There is always a choice.

    May Allah guides and provides me with sufficient wealth to live happily and meaningfully for as long as He permits.

  • Some More Real Life Update As At June 2024

    So April had been a real stressful month for me. So was May. Everything just went real fast that I rarely had time to breathe and reflect on my progress as far. So many incidents in between, really, both good and bad.

    • Relationship-wise I am feeling more secure, but the future remains unclear
    • Work-wise, I am getting better and more confident with my path here in fitness
    • Data collection had been a mess, it went out of hand and I got super stressed on this one
    • Issues with my student status and tuition fees, and stressed out with the possibility that I may need to extend my studies for a bit. This was resolved and I have accepted my limit.
    • I improved a lot at CrossFit, nailed RX wall walk, rope climb, did my first kipping pull up for real and got the courage to lift real heavy – 100kg deadlift, close to 60kg power cleans. My relationship with the community improved as well.
    • I had a hard long look at my finances and taken an interest in stock trading. Wish I had done it sooner, but still not too late. It’s time for me to slowly upgrade my life.
    • Car issues a couple of times, mechanic negligence! I really had enough and will not go see the mechanic again. Enough of paying for BS service!
    • Finally had a haircut!
    • Finally organised and resumed my painting
    • Reorganise my garden! And cleaned the main room which I had put off to do for months.
    • I had my first panic attack (the scariest thing ever) and been diagnosed with anxiety. Went to see therapist for a bit, it was nice.
    • I just held on to my boundaries with people (except with the boyfriend) which makes me feel powerful and relaxed – issues at the gym sorted!
    • Entrusted to run a group training service which is close to running my own gym
    • Had the best Teacher’s Day surprise celebration ever. Didn’t know I am valued that much. So much love!
    • Taken up new challenge to run my own gym with the family business. May Allah ease.
    • I feel that my relationship with my family has improved as well which relieves the heavy weights that I have been feeling. Though, they still trigger me, I am learning to challenge my catastrophic thinking whenever they ask of something from me.

    After the tumultuous months of uncertainties, I feel that June is when I had more control with my path and life. May it be time for me to thrive – and stay steadfast and be prepared enough for whatever that may come.

  • Be the Person That I Needed the Most

    I am so tempted to pick a fight (confront misbehaviour) again! The last time we fought was in October last year. Being in a relationship with someone who is really basic at relating could be frustrating most of the times. Ultimatums will not change someone, it only showed my fickleness and that I did not really meant what I said. It is not an ideal relationship, it is not so bad but I would say it is so bland and lacking in emotional support and consistency like a healthy relationship, at least like the one that I am expecting.

    I have the tendency to lash out at someone when the person (especially that I am so comfortable with, like a boyfriend), when things are not going my way, or when the person’s responses towards me made me feel anxious; especially after I have told explicitly so many times by words and actions on the consequences. It is partly my responsibility, too, as I have chosen to be with someone that is totally inept at relating and only absorbed by his own thoughts and problems most of the times. Seeing that this behaviour is so consistent for years, I have to make a choice whether to stay or leave. Truthfully, I don’t have the energy to leave yet because I would likely have to deal with his rationale (I am just being positive here, it could be his manipulative tactics) to show that he is not at fault. He is not changing his behaviour either. He is a decent man, but so traumatised with his past experiences that it is hard to discern if he is acting out of his intention, or out of looking good to please people. Very rarely has he shown his authentic side with me. So that really makes me feel 50/50 about the relationship. It could and it could not, even after all these years.

    What lacks in this relationship is that communication consistency. Like, I share things a lot, like other women in love. I want him to know what is going on in my world, my feelings, my concerns, like how I am interested in his. When we are apart, everything just disconnects – not even a single acknowledgement of my attempt to connect. That really makes me disappointed and rejected at times. I feel like that is so inconsiderate of him for treating me that way. He does not remember dates nor wishes me on important days. It makes me wonder, does he want something real or not?

    Last week I texted him twice with no response. I don’t want to text a word more to protect my mental health. At this age, I feel like that was really stupid and lazy. Yes, he is a lazy and emotionless partner. Enough bantering and blaming him, I thought to myself, what would I do now? I decided to soak in the vulnerable feelings – feel all the feels, but quickly switch the attention back to myself, on how can I meet my own needs. My brain is full of stuff. I have to let it out or express them so that it is not cluttered in there. Talking to him makes me feel good. So when he is not around, I feel upset because I could not talk it out with my favourite person. Many times I have asked him why he do what he does. His explanation was so unsatisfactory. It is either he has not dig deep within or he is hiding something from me. I just have to find an alternate outlet. From now on, I am just going to dump everything here to empty out my mind and soothe my own emotions. I wonder if other people in a healthy or happy relationship does this as well – self-regulating themselves. It is like, for me, in a relationship, I would want to be able to share everything that makes me feel happy, upset, sad whatever, my experience of life to my partner. I want him to be my source of comfort when I worry or anxious or upset; so that I can face the hard truths of life knowing someone got my back. When these are consistently taken away from me, I feel like, staying together is pointless really as my needs have not been met when he is not around.

    Sometimes, when I am less triggered and got my logical thinking on, I thought, he is just human, as messed up as I am. He is also dealing with his own mess without involving and burdening me. If he lies to me, that is on him and has got nothing to do with me. I always have the choice. If he is being cold, I have the power to disengage. It is not about me. My life is not affected, I still am an awesome, beautiful and capable woman. My ego is bruised big time when he ignores me. I am not less worthy or unlovable deserving of a partner who treats me well with kindness and consideration and love consistently. My life still goes on as usual. I feel things, only the message is unclear as for now – maybe I am also in denial. I will not try to solve this, it is all already planned for me on Allah’s will. If we are destined to be together, we will be. For now, I will let it go, sit in with some uncomfortable feelings and surrender everything to Allah and focus with what I needed to do (which are aplenty! That is why I am so upset when I cannot talk to someone to untangle this mess.).

    Today, other than training, I really did not do anything else except eat and rest (these are necessary too). My mind told me today that maybe I don’t like myself that much today, I am unhappy about a lot of things. I fear that I might not finish my studies as things stall way too much. I missed deadlines, nobody cares on my efforts, my body hurts so much (super slow recovery) and I am short on cash again this month (another story and it is exhausting). Instead of reflecting and dealing with it, I choose to find external validation or stimulation to distract myself from my issues. On another context too, I need comfort and reassurance that things will be okay. Which I feel is kind of true. I often find myself want to punch him in the face when I am in trouble or in challenging situations and that he is not around to soothe and protect me. Instead of obsessing about his lack of presence in my life, just feel the uneasiness and unhappiness, I am on the right track. Things are moving forward, only at unexpectedly slower pace and with a lot of difficulties. Stay calm and be at peace with uncertainties. I will be okay. I am my own person, not my boyfriend’s, my parents, my siblings or anybody else. Allah got my back.

  • Generally Worried – Jan 2024

    Feeling off today, generally worried and anxious. Things that made me feel all stressed out today are:

    • Having to get up early to train
    • Uncertain if my car gonna behave well tomorrow morning
    • Data collection stuff
    • Deadlines for paper
    • Finance
    • He’s being mute again

    It’s the attachment again, like I couldn’t relax and I feel the need to hold strong on being on alert mode which is so exhausting. I forgot how to work on this. Detach? And I really need help right now, seems like no one’s willing to help me the way that I need.

    Most of the things I am worried about can be changed. Only about him, there’s nothing I can do right now. It’s just so frustrating communicating with him. I don’t know how much longer I could stand this guy’s treatment.

    Relax, whatever that is destined for me will be mine.

  • Happy New Year 2024!

    OMG it’s the 2nd week into the year 2024. So much things going on, and there are so many I want to write about but couldn’t get around to.

    Among the things that I wanted to write are on:
    – My first CrossFit competition
    – A lot on teaching reflections
    – My progress in DBA
    – Tips on delivering a good research proposal defense presentation
    – New package for PT 2024

    I’m just so excited, but afraid that I’m just pacing myself too fast. On relationship front, I’m getting more stable and I got triggered less now. Finally feeling safe and secure, but at times I just got annoyed with my man – I’m seeing he’s making effort as well so, not complaining now.

    My goal this year is to strengthen my financial stand, I have developed a system (so proud of myself). Now I need to remain steadfast and stick to it for a year. May God bless! Till next time!

  • Is this life?

    So low energy and my anxiety and overwhelm level just shoot up. I am generally upset and feeling so disappointed with life. Like, it is really hard to help myself. I am just frustrated and feeling overwhelmed at the moment. Don’t know what else to do to make myself feel good again. My power is just out of me. Internally, I feel shit. But other people look at me with awe on all the amazing things that I did and potentially had helped them. Part of the things that contribute to it is triggered by people:

    • family stuff – attending meetings on things I don’t care about
    • other people’s indecision
    • having to reach out to someone and not knowing what to request
    • i feel like my soul is out of my body – is this fatigue or what? but still I need to function and communicate with people
    • feeling down and helpless because I can’t have nice meals
    • anger and sadness from break up despite of knowing I did the right thing for myself
    • guilt on pending stuffs – painting work, and one at shell station – conference paper to publish
    • overwhelming shame to settle what I need to do

    Today’s negativity might be caused by my fear of letting other people down and/or making other people feel uncomfortable. When will I be comfortable in putting myself first, I don’t know. Why life is so busy and complicated? I just want to live in peace and I don’t care if I become someone important or not. I am so tired of doing and working. Today’s world is so stupid, reliance on money for sustainability, stupid family system and stupid men unfit to become a reliable committed partner. Today, I feel so helpless, like there’s no point of trying anymore. I just don’t have the energy. I just want to sit down and cry. Despite of all the good and courageous things I did, why am I unable to appreciate and be happy with myself? What is the meaning of my existence? What am I good for? I am just gonna bawl my eyes out crying and get ready to work later. So tired and I’m just angry at everything and myself.

  • Dating Emotionally Unavailable People

    Damn frustrated these few days towards a certain guy. It’s getting messy, and I don’t like messy. Enough with trying to fight for myself at work and other things. I don’t want to waste my energy on a relationship that is supposed to be my source of peace, security and comfort; but instead contributed to stress, anxiety and agony. Here’s a few initial thoughts on relationship dynamics with unavailable people and why I am with this kind of person:

    • I choose this because I don’t have a great relationship with myself
    • It’s the anxious and avoidance relationship dance – push pull till it ends
    • It’s a reflection of my childhood trauma – cause my parents don’t love me enough
    • Codependency – again from childhood trauma
    • Fear of abandonment – that I want this to work out so that it proves that I’m lovable, and people won’t leave me, like my first boyfriend did
    • I just did not know any better

    So these were my initial thoughts on this in relation to myself and my experiences. I judged myself brutally and wanted to change immediately. Because I feel that it might be me that is problematic, not the other person. So I started to sort this out internally, discovering who I am, facing my shadows and etcetera. I tried to make things right by expressing my needs, but also aware of his limitations. I minimise myself to make him comfortable. Often, being me, I can tolerate for a while, and as I discover myself more and what I deserved and liked, I asked for what I need. What frustrates me is that, he is not putting sufficient effort into it, while I am trying like crazy to contain my frustration so as to not trigger him. It is my fault also for not showing how I feel inside authentically – another kind of manipulation. I understand that he is having a hard time right now, but hey, is it too much to ask for being heard for just a minute and for him to acknowledge my existence or this relationship? It’s just so unbelievable and hard for me to accept that, someone who claims that he ‘loves’ me would ignore and neglect me like that. Because, I, for sure won’t do that. Even if I’m busy, I would communicate about it and follow through within a few hours.

    I blamed myself for a long time, and wasted so much energy holding my emotions back and trying to make things grow. The initial thoughts that I listed earlier, I challenged every single one of them and have somewhat addressed and acknowledged. What I know now for sure, it definitely is not me. There is something seriously wrong with this man. No matter what I do, he will always be like this. Do I want to spend more years in agony like this? While I can use this time and energy to meet more people, to at least have an opportunity to find a man that is really into me and could offer the world to me. I deserve a satisfying and fulfilling love – that is my source of comfort, security, peace and happiness. It is hard sometimes because when I am not frustrated, I tend to be carried away and not being sensitive with all the red flags of unavailable man. I know I still have so much inner work to do. One step at a time. For now, appreciate life, keep focusing on getting to know myself and create my own story of a meaningful life.

    Oh Allah, I seek your help, as always, to please guide me and protect me from those who are there to take advantage of me, not to care and value me.

  • October updates!

    Life has been moving so fast these past 4 weeks. It’s mid-October already. I’m trying to get back to slower pace of life. Recently bagged myself new clients and new job, connected with new people. Coping with the ‘new’-ness of my man’s behaviour. It’s all too much for me without processing and without much support. There were good things and maybe not bad but these things trigger my insecurity a lot especially in the financial aspects of which I am seriously building on. I am also feeling so ill today, my body is giving way and there’s no one here to comfort me (well I can always go home to my parents, but it’s my recharge day!).

    Feeling so vulnerable and the fact that I can’t spend time and share it with my man makes me feel hopeless. Also, makes me question the whole ‘us’ thing. I wonder if he’s thinking about me as often as I do of him. This guy really makes me crazy sometimes, but yeah I just need to be myself and tell him how I feel eventhough it might drive him away. I don’t know if his act of keep coming back to me is because he genuinely loves me or just caused by something superficial. I am just generally anxious because I don’t know how to address it.

    Anyways, today I planned to go see my painting to resume and have a look at them. But my body is just so exhausted, thank God I don’t feel sore a lot because I went to train. I’m just feeling inflamed and undernourished. I don’t know what else to do other than eat, lying in bed and watch movie. I watched the movie ‘Eternal Sunshine of A Spotless Mind’ in the afternoon. It was a great movie and so moving. I think most men in my life have mother issue. It’s also funny that inside, I feel so dark, and yet people see me as a ‘lively’ and ‘bubbly’ character. I related the relationships in that movie with mine, it’s like everyone has conflicts – it’s how they resolve and communicate their differences. I don’t know what to make of mine. It’s just a floating thing, sometimes okay, sometimes not. I don’t want to mother my partner, maybe deep down I just want someone else who can be a better father for me. I also learn that with wounded and introverted men, they don’t have space in their head to think about other people. It’s just their survival, sometimes, I catch myself behaving like that with things that don’t matter to me. I don’t understand this, maybe just live and do my best to make it meaningful.

    Yesterday was so ‘dark’ for me, I was listening to “Kingdom of Rust” again and it’s just so beautiful about someone who’s unable to feel. When it sang “I long to feel the beauty in my heart..” I just cried. I just let it go, I wasn’t sad for any reason. Maybe its a repressed feeling. When I feel good, it’s 100% great. When I’m not it’s 100% too. Maybe living is like that. Feel it and ask myself why do I feel that way and move on. I mean, when I’m already feeling tired and ill and the weather is just crazy, it’s just hard to feel good these days. I just don’t have the strength to deal with everything right now. I’m turning 41 years old in a few days, would I stay like this till I die? I am yet to find my breakthrough. It’s hard. Small progress with finance but not stable yet, relationship-wise also small progress. I just want routine, stability and peace. Nothing else matters much to me. I thought also beforehand that I am not normal, turns out when I get to know more people, the more I see that we are all in the same boat. I am ahead if I have more awareness and initiatives than other people. So, I really am not broken. I can make things happen for me. I just need to keep trying and make mistakes until I find it.

    Gosh it’s really hot in here. I have so many things to fix like my nutrition and energy level, my studies, my pending work, the things I promised my parents. How do people do it? My car is making me crazy too with all the loud noise. I am just could not see right now how I could make all these things right for me. I already put a timeline for the things I needed to do but still it’s not moving at all. I am still as sick and hungry and tired as before. Is it my work that’s making me crazy? Or is it that I am not feeling much support from the man I love? Oh Allah, please teach me how this works. I am clueless as ever. I don’t know what I can do right anymore.

    I know what my mind and body is trying to tell me, it thinks that I am in danger. Only in danger of what I am not sure. Sometimes I can stay calm and just surrender to Allah, because Allah knows best, and he always helps me and be there for me. Yeah, no point feeling threatened by someone who is not capable of loving and protecting the way I want to because of his wounds himself. There’s so much frustration in me right now. Here are some of the things that made me crazy these past few days:

    • Loud noise from car and recent sound system problem made my ear rang several times. I’m scared that I might turn deaf because of that.
    • Got a new job teaching for a new centre, but I am not feeling myself with this job – plus it just doesn’t feel right sometimes cause I am at different wavelength with my participants and the place – I don’t know what make them feel excited in exercising – to them it is still torture, and not challenges – so maybe this one makes me stress out a bit. I am worried this gig does not last as long as I’d like it to. But lets not worry about it now.
    • And the place that I currently work at is so mean, like not caring of us who work for them.
    • My group exercise clients are a pain at the moment. OMG why people are so disrespectful like this. I am not gonna sugarcoat anything with them, just gonna be myself and act professional.
    • I am just tired of dealing with people right now be it my clients, my employees, my family and my own partner.
    • I am tired of people hitting on me when I let loose and be myself, can you all just chill and act normal.
    • Stress and anxiety from pending jobs. I just feel like, if I don’t feel good about myself, if I don’t get my affairs sorted, I can’t do things for other people.
    • I sensed some changes with my man, I don’t know if its good or not. He’s less defensive with me which is good. I also feel uncomfortable that he changed his style which I’m not a fan of. I like my man clean not scruffy. I don’t know yet what he is going through, only some details and it sounded like he is exhausted himself, but really nothing I can do if he would not let me.
    • I hate that I still depend on my parents, like how can I let go of this dependence already. I can do this, just a little bit more.
    • My research is stalling for a bit now, but this one is the least of my concern cause I know how to handle this, and I have my support.
    • Classes keep cancelling, people are not showing up. I mean people have things to do, right. I am worried that my schedule got changed or reduced because of no show. This will affect my income and my ability to pay for bills.

    Above all, I also don’t want to factor out that all these crazy feelings also were intensified by PMS. I dealt with so many things in a short time. I was in full on hustle and fight mode. That’s why I am so exhausted emotionally now. Many good things happened too, such as:

    • I found a mechanic who could solve my car problems for now. And my mom is ok to help me with fixing costs – maybe I feel stressed because it’s as if I need to do a big favour for her if she helps me
    • My income exceed RM1,000 per month now, which means I have enough bullet to add my values in teaching in fitness or even indulge a bit on nice things.
    • Again, my man is less defensive so it’s really a nice progress.
    • My sister, niece and nephew paid a visit to my house. It was short and so special because I get to show them my safe sanctuary.
    • I get to train again. It feels so good!!! I want to get paid to train. I am going to do that for a year, and maybe sign up to become a CrossFit coach.
    • I got new ear-piercings on my left ear together with my niece. It was so special and my niece was so cute with her new piercing. I just realise how big is my love for her. Made me wonder, maybe that was how my aunties were with me. I am so sorry if I appear disimissive or cold towards them. Also to my mom and my grandma who love me so much. I think my dad too, but he just could not put his guard down (like my man!).
    • My dad keeps a couple of selfies I took in my younger years wearing makeup – that was so corny and sweet at the same time!
    • Relaunch at the gym was nice, and some of the members like finally accepting of myself as a person, not like a perfect celebrity coach.
    • I got myself checked for breast cancer and I was cleared and good. Funny experience doing mammogram and ultrasound. Kind a like, one milestone achieved as a healthy woman.
    • I can sense now the validation that I am working in fitness and that I am knowledgeable about it.

    I am just burnt out and not managing myself well. Things happened and just focus on what I can control. Everything I listed out is a lot for a 4 weeks occasion. At least I am alive to experience this all. I am safe, I am OK and I am taken care of. Don’t worry.

  • Offbeat

    I am feeling horrible these past few weeks, despite of new positive changes I am making. I don’t know how to make the sense out of it. Emotional regulation is hard, moreover when I have to do it alone. I love myself, but there seem to be a lot of insecurities felt. What happened the last few weeks and this week?

    • I made a decision to discontinue powerlifting training – it’s just now working for me for the time being. So maybe I am feeling negative because I am letting people down, and there may be potential for me to be good at this and the recognition and validation that may come out of this. I love how the training gave me strength and focus. But the time it takes to recover and potential injuries just don’t work with me right now. I am already suffocating from balancing my body with current schedule of teaching, working and training.
    • I teach more classes – 2 HIIT class and 1 intermediate intensity class. So this might trigger something in my body because I have to do more preparation work and part of my resting hours is used for further exercise. I might say I feel that I only add extra 30% load on my body with this new schedule.
    • I am not OK that I am ‘gaining weight’. This is really unnecessary, but can’t help feeling that cause I like to look lean and proper. It is gonna be ok. I will easily shed them off when I start training again.
    • Hard to me to sleep well at night due to weather and not wanting to skyrocket the electricity bills up. Without proper sleep and rest of course, one can go crazy.
    • I need better nutrition planning and preparation. So tired to cook these days. Good thing that my body works well with oatmeals and coffee, just basic things to function well. What I need to plan further is for big meals like lunch and dinner. Meat might work for me and its cheaper options for protein intake – maybe I need to include more fiber based protein. And eat more fruits and greens.
    • Family relationship, I think we all are getting along better now. But still I must not give up my identity to fulfill especially what my mother wants. If she’s confused of her roles, that’s on her. Only relate when necessary and don’t overextend myself. Now she wants me to help on the little shop. It’s not hard work for me, but it’s not what I want to do and if I run it successfully, it’s likely that I will not be so much prouder of myself than what I have built now for myself.
    • Closure of old stuffs from MYJN and Navy painting work. OMG still a lot to handle. Yes, I totally forgot about them.
    • Maybe I need to detox from social media – just triggers my anxiety. But I need to do promotional work also. What could work is to limit my access to them.
    • Love relationship is not doing well again. I am just so done to make things right for now. What is it with men. I am so confident that I don’t rely on them to make me happy. I just want to relate with the person I love so bad, maybe like I do relate with myself? Might be our depth of awareness is different? I don’t know what is happening and he is not willing to clarify himself either. Sod it. Suck it up.
    • Financially insecure but I already took actions for this. It’s the unforeseen things that makes me stressed out. Like car maintenance, food cravings, also I need to upgrade my wardrobe and the things at the house.
    • Technically the weather and consistent water supply disruption also bound to make me feel unsettled.

    Most important thing is, what I listed are all external. I gotta respond and manage myself to them accordingly. Above all, I truly believe God is looking after me. Nothing will go wrong. I am safe. Take the plunge.

  • Agitation

    Ever been through Sunday not feeling ready to start the new week?

    That’s exactly how am I feeling tonight. Wide awake at 2am feeling agitated that I would screw up Monday.

    Everything felt wrong. I dislike it when my routine get disrupted. Yes, I helped my family. But what about me?

    I’m also nervous about the future. Making changes here and there, getting used to new routine – and my man is just not putting effort as much as before which makes me feel anxious.

    And seriously our water supply is disrupted again. Still figuring out what to do about it. Just overall feeling insecure. I don’t like this feeling – it’s so uncomfortable. Meditated for 10 minutes, almost fell asleep but my body just wouldn’t let me. I’m just in fight mode right now. Will sit with it and try to observe it as my monkey mind and like a long train passing by.