Virtually Nurul – { Research | Fitness | Designs } by Nurul

Category: Whatevs

  • Boarding School

    Ok last entry for processing today! The month has been moving so fast, as I was replacing classes for colleague instructor 2 weeks in a row, with the new release 131 some more. I think I not only injure my arms and shoulders a little bit, but also dysregulated my nervous system that I consistently feeling dizzy and suffocating despite of trying to get as much sleep as possible and taking care of my nutrition. Anyhow, sister found a letter last weekend.

    It is a notice letter addressed to my Dad from YS Foundation on my departure to KL for my 1999 academic session. It’s the final semester of my secondary school and the year when I took SPM examination. And my Dad didn’t use his title to be addressed with from the letter.

    I cried inside noticing how long ago it was. Like 26 years apart. Man, I really have lived that long. I remember that time we were already discussing which course or university to go after SPM and what degree we all are pursuing. My top choice was engineering, and second one was architecture (as I can draw very well and I loved our Art subject). Though, I didn’t pursue engineering as it was against my Dad’s will. Moving forward, I did somewhat become an engineer, only that I engineered software and I didn’t like that job. Never in my younger years would I have thought that I would become really fit and healthy in my 40s.

    Boarding school experience were bittersweet for me. It’s where I learn about friendships, belongings and confidence. I think a lot of my relationship wounds were also originated here. My parents tried to be as helpful as they can and we kept in touch once a week via hacked payphones.

    It’s a really sad experience whenever I feel vulnerable and in need of help and comfort, but my family is so far away, especially on weekends when families were flocking the school compounds to visit their daughters. I was quite fortunate to have some friends whose parents were kind enough to invite me to sleepover at their houses during short break so that I won’t have to sleep inside empty dorms. That again has another set of unexplainable stories. I kind of developed a survival skill to put shame aside and blend in with the families that I had stayed with. I was fortunate enough to have been linked to a distant relative (can’t remember how we met). We weren’t very close and have the most disconnected relationship ever. It was pure transactional I think and we’re just bonded over the fact that we have blood ties. However, I am so grateful now for them for taking me in with the family, picked me up from train stations, fed me and sometimes gave me money to spend. We don’t talk to each other now. May Allah continue to bless the family.

    A few distinct memories, I was corresponding with a boy from KL of whom I’d been writing to since I was 10 years old I guess. He was really cute and he was my first crush. We never met though I have tried once. He didn’t show up and only a friend of his was there, it was supposed to be a double date. From there I thought I wasn’t attractive enough for him and I’m not as pretty as other girls. We connected on Facebook once. He still looked good and already married that time. Wonder how he is now.

    On friendship, I became best friends with a girl from a wealthy family. Stories went around that she was flewn in to the school in a helicopter. The school was surrounded with girls from many wealthy family which made me feel so unworthy and insecure that time. I didn’t know my Dad was a big shot this time. So in my head, I was just this kampung girl from Sabah and I am not as good as others. My friend, she had many favourites and I thought I was one of them too until she discarded me for a better more rich and fashionable crowd (this was what I had thought back then which might not be true. The girls she hanged around with were her dorm mates and on some degree related to her from previous schools or same social circle outside of school). I remember she was trying to hook me up with some guy once but I was too shy and made an excuse to not join them as I needed to study. Now I think of it, maybe me not being transparent and honest with her about how I feel caused us to drift apart over the years. I dressed like her, adopted her love for fashion and perfumes but our friendship didn’t last and my thought at that time, she was only friends with me cause she wants me to help her with studies. I did develop friendship with other girls but can barely remember our bonds. Many times I wanted to quit and talked to my Dad and he often had some nice things to say to keep me motivated and be brave facing my challenges at school. I vividly remember talking about how I struggled with History classes and complaining about being bullied by seniors. Eventually I realised how talented and smart I was. Though my parents lied a bit about my caretaker background for my scholarship screening, I think I really deserved to be there.

    I developed a tough persona after being friends with my marching band group. We were the percussionist team who were supposed to be the strongest and toughest of the entire marching band team. I have developed more confidence by this time having performed in an international arena and winning many band competitions. Though I had the chance, I still sucked at relating with boys and communicating with the boy I had crush with. Last time I stalked his Facebook, he has gotten fat. The only time I felt comfortable hanging out with them was when we just casually hanged and exchanging banters in between rest sessions during our practice for the SUKOM event in 1998.

    And then, within the band group, I experienced sort of a weird dynamics again with a friend I was close with. It’s like within the group, when a certain loud person wasn’t around, she would hang with me, like be my bedmates and seatmates during our tours. Sometimes I was discarded, and I felt annoyed maybe? I didn’t say anything about it but acted passive aggressive instead. I don’t know if it’s common with other girls friendship. She wasn’t being loyal to me. It’s like there’s a hierarchy of people in the band you had to please or be friends with. I, then, concluded that I wasn’t a great girlfriend and I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t a good model of a woman, not feminine and etcetera.

    To be honest, I didn’t like the school and the thought of my experiences there could make me cry. However, my batchmates remembered a lot of fond memories about me. It wasn’t just a good experience for me growing up to be a healthy human being. We all were stuck being who’s the richest, who’s the most popular, who’s the loudest, who’s the prettiest, who’s the smartest, who’s the most liked by teachers and so many more. Despite of all that, I would like to acknowledge the experience as a part of formation of my unique personality, intelligence, courage and confidence. I should definitely write more about my teenage experience at school to process all of my existence. By writing more, I hope I could unravel all my wounds during this time and change the story about who I was and who I am now.

  • Bathroom Makeover

    As per my development plan this year, I am going to do some minor change on my bathroom appearance as the original tiles were so badly stained and getting hard to clean. I mean, I scrubbed the floor and all and the tiles especially the floor still look dirty. And then, the other day, the original bulb which is in dim yellow colour blew off. After I replaced it (yeah I change my own light bulbs) into a new one I found lying inside the house which is in day white colour, the overall look of the bathroom is so horrifying that I find it hard to use the bathroom and sleep thinking about it’s condition. Even after I gave it a good scrub, I still find it so dirty.

    So after doing some research since last year, I decided to just go for it and get it all done at once. I face a bit of hiccup here when my expenses is again out of range, I have not tracked down yet how much and where I spent my money this month. But for the bathroom itself, roughly I spent about RM250 and going to be less than RM350 I hope.

    I just relocated all the stuff inside temporarily and gave it a fresh paint. Even managed to detach the yellowing plastic toilet seat cover.

    First round of painting, the original tilings as in the middle – these after I scrubbed the wall and floor like crazy, and the ceiling repainted. I am so gonna replace the bucket or just not use one and fix the shower instead. Reflecting back, I did so much to fix the bathroom already. First, I fixed the leaky flush tank; then I proofed the tiles and the edges of the bathroom floor so that no water leaking down to the unit below me. I changed the tap from the original one with one with bidet sprayer attached to it.

    Funny thing happened when I realised that I gotta buy tape before I proceeded to paint with the blue paint to ensure no messy lines. I was automatically in my head went, okay I’ll buy it tomorrow on my way to my parents and other planning stuffs. Then I had to reassure myself, for God’s sake it only takes less than 30 minutes to walk to the shop to get them. Like now or never. I just quickly changed into a proper attire and get the tapes. It wonders me how my mind works sometimes. Ruminating over easy tasks. Anyways, I’m sure I’m not the only one like this. I often batch tasks, more efficient way of doing many things at once.

    So I head home with a couple of masking tapes. I have used them before for walls. Did the usual painting deeds covering areas I didn’t want to get stained with the blue paint. After I was satisfied with the coatings, I went out and just let the paint dry. As I got home, like seriously, I immediately checked on the paint condition and started to peel off the tapes out of impatience. The white paint at the bottom peeled off together with the tape. I told myself, ok next time find proper tape don’t use masking tape again. So the ruined part I immediately covered with the blue paint. Now I have to do another round of white paint touch up again. I just want to do it proper and right and get it over and out of my head.

    After! Picture at the top with tape, and picture at the bottom without tape. Still waiting for the paint to dry entirely before I start putting stuff back in. Majority of the work is done. I am feeling a bit misaligned not being able to use my bathroom as usual but it’s only temporary. It’s gonna get way better. Will follow up with other adjustments that I made with this bathroom. Now waiting for another tub of paint to arrive and some other accessories.

  • Sisu

    Just finished watching this movie minutes ago while waiting for my laundry to finish. Now my laundry has 7 minutes to go, so while still fresh in my mind, I want to write the experience I had and felt watching this movie. I was struck with a moment of coolness when Aatami just stroke a knife punctured an enemy’s skull dead straight from one side to another side! Like it’s so violent but the precision, strength and his strategies to fight and survive got me hooked.

    First and foremost, anything Nazi history movie would naturally catch my attention and Finnish men are so good looking and well built. The costumes and setups are top notch. I have a thing with Nazi uniform they are so stylish. I remember I have read somewhere that Coco Chanel and/or Hugo Boss had designed some of those.

    I mean look at these, everyone was talking about the leather jacket.

    Aatami’s wasn’t so bad either. But not much close up photos. In motion, these costumes look really cool and complement their stoic expressions and possibly enhances their look of aggressiveness and brawn in the movie.

    Secondly, the grit and resilience of the main character, Aatami, is so admirable and he barely spoken a sentence throughout except a couple of lines at the end of the movie. His courage and the will to live is just mind blowing. So I had to Google what Sisu means.

    So yeah, definitely my theme. Seeing the main character’s courage and undertook his enemies on his own, and on an occasion, by a group of ladies is so refreshing. I watched the movie till it finishes with a renewed sense of courage to face my days. Actually, I learn so much about myself and my family today. Which I will write about soon.

    Definitely a movie worth watching and I’m glad I picked this one out of the rest. One hour and a half well spent!

  • What’s My Issue? New Year Check

    I was having a temporary misalignment last night. I have been containing my suffering from feeling burnout mentally and physically this month. I am grateful that I have people to talk to about my problems especially working as a fitness professional. Essentially, anything big or small that triggers or inconveniences me made it felt like a huge deal. Some of the things that trigger me these days are when I come upon any writing on something that made me question my decision that is against my will, but is the right thing to do. I don’t want to minimise my feelings, just at time, I am double-checking the root cause of why I am feeling off in a moment (emotion = energy in motion).

    About a few weeks ago, I have been trying to rest like really have quality rest to recover my body and my mind afresh. Managed to do that, despite of that, however, I still managed to have that off feeling. Upon reflecting and after doing some reading, I was actually facing emotional void. For the first time I could actually relate to and like meet it face to face, and recognising that this is it. I have read about it years ago when I had that cloudy and overwhelmed feelings – but these I thought are the results of my burnouts and nervous system dysregulation as I was consistently on the go and being in survival mode. Now that I have got it sorted, almost, it’s the void that I have to deal with now. It is confusing and an uncharted territory to me to feel this void – I kept going outwards to give my attention to – to keep me busy, from what I am going to reveal next.

    It occurs to me today, after some reflection, I was like, why am I still getting myself bothered on other people’s business that has nothing to do with me? So, I was intentionally not making myself a victim like thinking about why certain people could not change, of how people don’t appreciate me enough, on how certain people need to fix themselves. Instead, I switch the focus on myself – what is it about me that care so much about what other people are doing, that has nothing to do with me and out of my control? This is not foreign to me, but it just shows I am not used to and comfortable with fixing my own problems. It is easier to look at other people’s flaws and insecurities and try to ‘help’ and ‘fix’ them, than doing that for myself. Again, whenever I am feeling vulnerable, I look outwards rather than inwards to regulate my feelings and emotions. When I don’t get anything externally, I am feeling sad and frustrated.

    It is so apparent that I am that ‘fixer’ and that is why, combined with my hypersensitivity, I am very good at listening and help people where they need it the most. Like I can really read them well and come up with SWOT analysis mentally in my head. At first, I didn’t identify myself as having this character. The more I think of my dynamics with other people that I relate with on day-to-day basis, the more apparent that I might relate with people by unconsciously trying to fix them as well. Like, the thing with my sister, my family, my role as a trainer, software engineer (like hello, we do problem-solving and fixing as a living) and troublesome men. On the good side, it is needed to help those who are lost and need some perspectives to solve their problems; and great for nurturing careers. And this strengthens my choice on focusing on becoming a consultant! On the other hand, doing that excessively, is kind of disrespectful on limiting other people’s ability and learning processes to be accountable and responsible for themselves and their actions. Just that I need to practice and set my boundaries of what to care on and what is not my business.

    Now, I have all the time in the world for me, it’s my time, and I have my own issues and challenges that I have got to face. The month of January is really hectic and I have not done yet with writing my plans for the next 3 years (I have got to, time is running out.). Probably, this is also the reason I am feeling like I am not going anywhere – still lack of focus and direction. The other day, I dreamt that my mom told me I have a baby daughter which I didn’t get to meet in that dream (and probably out of wedlock cause my mom was horrified when I broke the news out of excitement to my grandmother, too funny!). As I searched on the internet on what my subconscious was trying to tell me, it could be that I am beginning to grow as a new person and that what I have been building is slowly coming into fruition. My gut is telling me that I am on the right track. My vision is clear. The things to work on now are mostly on finishing what I have started, removing distractions, making my days more efficient and to stay disciplined and healthy for years to come.

  • Kitchen Drain Problem Solved!

    Oh my God, I actually managed to unclog my kitchen sink drain! Have been trying to solve it for months already. At first I tried Mr Muscle Declogger solvent – bought 2 bottles of those, it only managed to declog the direct kitchen sink pipe but something was still staying stuck inside the drain. So, I figured it was the main kitchen drain to the sewage drain that was stuck. I poked the kitchen floor trap hole using the drain snake cable and found small fragment of dense fat and some small adhesive parts that might have gotten in without me realising. It was still blocked though.

    I continued to look for solutions and upon watching YouTube videos, I found a solution by a local plumber suggesting to pump the water and drain with wet mop inside the floor trap hole. I kept digging in the comments, he then suggested to use small towel that could fit in for about a foot and more inside the floor trap hole. I tried that first time, I thought it didn’t work. I was already exhausted and decided to try again another time.

    So today, I have another bout of dysregulation, just a mild one. I know because I couldn’t sit still, my mind was wandering around and I kept thinking about eating desserts. Did some stretching and went to the sink to put away dirty dishes. I was so distraught by the blocked sink again that it was getting worse. I couldn’t even wash a single stuff without having the water escaped from the kitchen floor trap drain.

    I just boiled a jug and more of water first. Then I stuck a wet towel inside the floor trap, making sure it was secure and compact. I poured all the boiled water inside the sink. The water was stuck there for a bit, and I began pumping the floor trap drain with the wet towel – until I hear the sound of all stuck water moving out of the sink! It was a loud flush sound. Then I did a second round of pumping and boiled another jug of water. The boiled water immediately flowed very fast from the sink unlike the first time around. Then only I thought, hey, it worked!!!! I tested again by washing all the dishes on the sink and watch the floor trap drain. The water didn’t submerge from the drain hole! So that really confirmed it!

    I am just so thrilled and so relieved. Didn’t know a clogged kitchen sink could affect my entire routine and being. It was so inconvenient. The thing that I learnt again about me, I was not being so attached to it, it was a normal thing, I wasn’t being too much. So many people are facing the same problem, and it drives them nuts!

    For future reference, if this happens again, what I should do is to:

    1. Boil a jug or more of water
    2. Block the kitchen floor trap with wet towel all the way inside – use a screwdriver to push the towel in (my drain hole is small)
    3. Pour the hot water inside the sink
    4. Pump the drain with towel until all the water from the sink are flushed out
    5. Repeat the process until the water moves seamlessly from the sink

    I am so happy part of the stuff I am annoyed with is already solved. Now I can focus on other stuffs.

  • Imago Relationship Theory

    I spent the past few days to rest and do nothing (despite of deadlines of my studies tasks but I know I could get it done real fast when I’m more regulated). Just started to feel the panic attack symptoms again. Good thing though I am more prepared this time to not focus so much on it and calm myself down. I finished 2 books and 1 that really create more awareness in me on how I relate with people. The book is an old-school relationship therapy one, Getting the Love You Want by Dr Harville Hendrix and his wife Dr Helen Hunt. So many have recommended on the book, I just finally managed to get and read it.

    It started with how childhood upbringing affects how we react or relate to others – this one is not so foreign to me as it’s gaining more popularity now. First, I was mostly affected by a mythical story on how a character (I forgot the name) who has 4 limbs (arms/legs) as a whole creature was split into two and thrown into earth. Then, it spent its life looking for its other half. The author described a good analogy on how an individual who was whole when he or she was born, but slowly losing wholeness due to events that represses the other half of an individual that touched around taboo issues, socialisation to be accepted in a community or a group that do not accept a person’s authentic individuality. The repressed or lost self then is the other half that we all keep searching for – mostly in a form of another person that we keep mistaken as ‘soul mate’, because essentially our soul that we are born with are lost and we want to be healed and be whole again. Using the story of mythical creature made me see and understand all clear and vivid on why I unconsciously am attracted to only a certain type of people.

    The Imago Relationship Theory talks about the phenomenon that we normally unconsciously pick a partner that closely resembles our parents – with all their good and bad traits. When we are mistreated by a partner, our pain caused by bad memories with our parents is activated and the body sends distressed feelings for fear of safety or death. That is why it feels so painful when I sense mistreatment from someone closest to me. I knew that I really need to dissect what really has happened and went on with me in my childhood. I used to think that I had an awesome one because I had plenty of time to play and were always surrounded with my cousins. I think what really screwed our upbringing stability, my siblings and I, was that mom had to go abroad to study and left us for a few years being taken care of by our maid and grandparents. And then after she got home, we moved to a new place which was much less nicer than our previous home (I think my parents were mostly stressed out during these times, economic bubbles and crash; while taking care of 6 growing children who need more resources and attention for school and education, teenage rebellious hormones etc), and I was sent to boarding school. I had many lovely memories with my parents, they really are not bad at all at parenting and providing – as they are also humans struggling with their own issues, a few crucial things were overlooked. Just to be more aware on my wound and triggers (by no mean I am being disrespectful, hurtful or petty towards my parents, I am so grateful that they have raised me so well), I am listing down what I liked and what I disliked about my parents and my childhood.

    Like list:

    • I like that my dad spent time to play with all of us – some incidents that I remember, he built a makeshift tent at our lawn, made paper kites for us to play on windy days, took us out to the beach on weekends, taught us to catch small fish from the stream
    • Dad is a nostalgic person – he recorded each of our memories going out, our achievements at school etc
    • He bought a bike and sent me to school every morning when I was 7
    • He cared about nurturing my intelligence and academic talents – he made wooden blackboard and dedicated to teach me maths in the evening whenever he could
    • He was really open and didn’t really shove gender roles expectations towards me, like pressuring me to be all demure and nice. I never had those dolls or other girly toys when I was a kid – not that I remember of. He gave me books, piggy banks, the ‘H’ building block sets that I really loved. He just let me play with my boy cousins doing whatever around his parents’ house whenever we had gatherings.
    • He is meticulous on cleanliness, his environment or who he associates with
    • He overall is a great provider financially
    • About mom, she is the nicer parent in my eyes
    • She acknowledged my presence and responded whenever I needed her
    • I thought she was the most gentle and beautiful woman in my eyes when I was a kid (well, mom is pretty and still look youthful for her age)
    • She collected stamps from all over the world when she was abroad cause she knew I loved collecting stamps (but the collection was ruined cause my brother threw it into swamp in one of our disagreements)
    • She rarely declines my requests or need for help
    • One of the memories that I would never forget is when one afternoon we were in my parents’ room and she scribbled a picture of me with pencil on paper.
    • She appreciates beautiful things and loves pampering me with girly beautiful stuffs like clothes, shoes, bags whatever.
    • She is creative with so many hobbies and crafts

    Dislike list:

    • Dad can be self-centered and insensitive to my feelings
    • He often dismissed what I had to say when trying to join in his conversation which left me feeling stupid and not making sense or feeling like I don’t have conversational skills
    • He does not know how to treat me like a daughter, does not show love, respect nor appreciation of my individuality
    • He often changes his mind on something making me feel confused at times
    • Fragile ego
    • Angry, lashed out on others, hypervigilant and short-fused – later acted normal as if he did not do anything outrageous that hurt us
    • Think he is the only one who is right
    • Mom doesn’t deal with things or difficult issues – rather let things solve itself (or other people jumping in to help)
    • She represses her authentic self – very different person at home, with friends and with her family
    • She does not really fight for what she wants and needs
    • She is not consistent – easily swayed by the mass or external circumstances
    • She does not see herself as a person capable of agency, often does not know what she wants and relies on others to influence her actions or decisions
    • She is chronically stressed and hides it
    • She can be disorganised
    • She can be petty and manipulative
    • She just hides herself as a person behind her role as a mother, wife, daughter, sister or whatever role she acknowledges herself as.
    • She can be overly critical of me and on how I do things
    • She can be persistent and tactical to get what she wants. Sometimes I don’t know her acting like a helpless person is because she really feels helpless or just an act to get us involved

    Often when I was little, I got frustrated with my parents and wanted to run away either to my mom’s parents house or my dad’s sister house who lives nearby with her family. I don’t recall my dad being close to his siblings due to him himself, often was away from his childhood home, except with one or two elder sisters. I think I have to add 4 more guardians that forms my childhood experience as well which 3 of them have passed away.

    • My aunt, who had worked in a bank that time. I view her as a smart career woman. She was chatty, funny and outgoing. We maintained relationship until the time she passed away this year.
    • Her husband, very nice man so different than my dad. He was lively, expressive and put his heart on his sleeves. I totally felt love and joy interacting with him as a kid. He loved us girls but could be critical to his sons.
    • My mom’s mother – she is the ultimate housewife and caregiver, model eldest daughter. Very disciplined and organised with chores and also has a lot of hobbies and skills. She is a very talented woman. She loves to cook us food but can be a bit dictatorial with us when we girls are not doing our functions as a lady, who cooks and serves men food and drinks – all the traditional role of a woman as nurturer and childbearer. I remember when I stayed with my grandparents, I had joined her everyday to the mosque for Maghrib prayers; went for all the weddings, gatherings whatever functions in the village. I spent a lot of time alongside her when I was not at school as I was the good helpful obedient smart first granddaughter. I learnt about how to earn money from her. She could be a bit prideful, as I remembered she scolded me when a teacher lent me a clothing item for a performance, saying to return it back and that we can afford to buy those for ourselves. I didn’t understand her sentiment that time but I felt that my grandmother has endured so much to become that way. Nonetheless, I often feel her love and warmth whenever I visited her.
    • My mom’s father – a retired teacher; he was a popular, artsy and charming man. Literally everyone who is a retired teacher or in their 50s and above in Sabah knows him or had been his student. He was a good storyteller and often so interested in what happened around him. I love that he was so fun to be around with and easy to talk to. His life was simple, tend to his farm in the morning till afternoon, home by lunch hour to eat and nap, out again and be back by dusk for prayers. He taught us on how to read the Quran when I was little. He was very comfortable being around us and his daughters, often teasing us; but sometimes I didn’t appreciate when he compared me with my mom cause my mom, according to him, was the most beautiful girl in the village before she got married. I didn’t really understand his character but he was fun to be with and often were up for some adventures for us kids. As I got older into adulthood, I feel that he became a bit critical of me for not leading a traditional life, not being married at a certain age and do not have a stable career (like working 9-5 or in government sectors). Both him and my grandmother had this scarcity mindset when it comes to money – probably because they have to raise 9 children together that time.

    I do not know yet what can I do with these information as I have not yet finished reading the book. At least I am aware what my triggers are now. As I reflected on my teenager and undergraduate student phase, I felt so odd and outcast, normally hid myself towards what I am good at – getting good grades. I remember feeling so much shame and guilt for not studying on a movie night at school that I skipped movie and decided to study. The thought in my head was, my mom deceived the scholarship provider by altering my guardian details, I didn’t deserve the scholarship and I must do well in studies so that I will not abuse the taxpayer’s money to fund my studies. This was when I was 14 years old. I was so angsty and rebellious during this phase – hormonal and not understanding myself and upset that people did not understand me. I think the school had aggravated my already self-conscious overwhelmed with unworthiness self a lot more. I found solace with a small group of friends in marching band and a teacher who had helped me a lot at school. I wasn’t at peace. In addition to the stressors of blending in with students with competitive and high performing mindset, I was deceived to sacrifice my appreciation of my beauty (my aunt told me it’s mandatory to cover my hair, when that was not the truth). I know this might sound funny and trivial, but I was not happy looking like an aunt who didn’t know how to style her hijab that time.

    Looking back, I think I should not punish my parents harshly for what happened to me. They pretty much accepted my anger, fashion sense and all. They provided me the best they could and still does when I need it. They just don’t know how to connect to my soul on a deeper level – like acknowledge my struggles, actually putting in more effort to show support in everything I do – not only on those that they agree with, being less critical of my choices, not putting so much pressure towards me to earn high income and respectable society status; as what they had projected towards my siblings. Among contributing factors are the boarding school system which is supposed to be the best and elite in the country, immature adults, distorted religious beliefs, temporary neglect when my parents were in tough times that I have dealt with that had scarred and changed the way I was. No one was present to be with me and teach me how to deal with my vulnerabilities facing my challenges and struggles. I was left with myself to make sense of things and learn how to survive – at least this is how I see my story. Probably in many years to come, I might see it differently, hopefully for the better.

  • Year End Review 2024

    It’s a week away before 2025 comes and I have not yet come up with my plan for next year. It’s just that my mind still has so much clutters and I can’t really point out what really is keeping me busy or unproductive (the magic word – I can’t really live without being productive). Maybe I should quickly sort out what’s going on recently.

    Last week was busy, like back to back preparations and attendance for Christmas parties and meetups, like from 14 Dec till 20 Dec, I attended 6 events, including dinner and my Christmas party classes. I think most of my energy went for the preparation, being socially present and I rest very little that week. Despite that, I really had a great time and the things that I prepared for went really well. I am so proud of myself for the courage to go out there and enjoy festivities with people I am not really close with. One thing that I noticed is that people really appreciate me and my presence. I don’t feel alone anymore. Best thing ever, a class participant told me, she said something like this, “Nurul, you are one of the best instructors that we’ve had.” I am so thankful with the opportunity to be around with such quality women.

    I am also worried that I spent so much on food these days. Like I ate a lot! I mean I really need food more than I used to have, but I don’t know if I am overdoing it or not. I also feel that I am heavier and have grown bigger – my waistline expands a bit cause my abs and obliques have grown a lot, but my body fat has reduced only a little. My lats are bigger as well as my arms and shoulders. My chest pecs are more visible now. I have not checked my measurement for a while. So, it’s pretty confusing to me. To be fair, I did a lot of gymnastics drills last week, maybe I need to recover and nourish myself a lot more. I also covered a lot more classes last week and this week. What makes me unsettled is that I now have to buy new sports bra as the ones that I have feels tighter than usual and at times I feel it’s hard to breathe. I can barely fit into my weightlifting belt – still can manage if I squeeze hard into my torso. Sometimes I look bloated from my side profile, the muscles just make my belly fat more apparent.

    I still have not finished my assignment and done with my viva presentation slides. I must do it latest within 1st week of 2025, otherwise, things are going to be so chaotic. Also, I got to pay my semester fees by then, and claim from EPF at least I can reinvest the money.

    The minor ones, my kitchen drain is stuck for a few weeks already. I thought I had it sorted out but the blockage just reduced a little bit after a few interventions. Options would be to ask my brother, ask the management or buy a temporary portable sink so that I can do my dishes outside. My plants are not doing well, some died and I killed my mom’s dying orchid. I feel so sad. Though it’s not my fault, I just want to do something nice for my mom cause according to her, my grandma had the orchid since my mom was a kid. Imagine how long had it been alive! I’ll buy her a new one with flowers. My car air conditioner is being erratic, still bearable but I got to sort this out because it’s dangerous to drive when it rains heavily outside.

    These are all my worries for now (that I can think of now). I feel that my body is inflamed and dysregulated with all these functions and worries. On top of that, I am also upset that my siblings do not acknowledge that we have to step away from the dysfunctional family dynamics that I am seeing and are accusing me of trying to break the family apart. That is the least of my intention. Of course I love my parents and all, but I don’t appreciate being treated the way everyone does – lacking in empathy, care, kindness and respect. They never take me seriously anyways, so might just focus on myself. What matters is I tried. I have to set my boundary and limit my interactions with them.

    Okay, that is a whole lot of stuffs to process and feel within a week. On towards what I want to work on in 2025. The focus is in generating wealth and creating stability; also building meaningful connections and relationships. So, areas that I am going to think about financially is on the targets and goals for my earnings, investments (set aside RM500 for year-end shopping), savings (at least RM2,000 ready) and debt management. Keep tracking my expenses so that I know how to configure my resources optimally. And then come up with figures and my plans on how to achieve my financial goals. Next one, strategies to manage AFC more efficiently – how can I use tools to simplify my processes while building more numbers. And then, start to think on my consultancy firm – core service, team and stuff, just about setting up, not even talking about earnings yet. I want to sharpen up my technical knowledge and find time to build a simple cloud solution for sale and subscribe. To manage my time and energy wisely, with teaching, training and recovery – pair with adequate nutrition, hydration and rest. My fitness goal would be to reduce my body fat percentage and progressing on skills. Finally, I have to set the timeline to finish pending projects.

    On personal level, I would like to treat myself a bit better and be more in control with my time and energy. Find time for creative hobbies, improve my living conditions, declutter and invest in skincare, haircare and quality clothings. Schedule and prep my nutritional needs ahead, and a lot more. Be mindful with my expenses, home and car maintenance; as well as get ahead of bills. Anything at all that will help myself to heal and become better. I want to be that person who enjoys fashion and the finer things in life again.

    Reflecting back, I have achieved so much this year. My income increased, and I actually hit my target set earlier. My competence and fitness level has grown a lot. I am a lot fitter and stronger than I was in January this year. I actually managed to finish my thesis – all the difficult stuffs; data collection (I still can’t believe I was so shameless with the whole thing, asked for help, travelled all over the place for this, like not overthinking if its logical or not – like just wing it!), data analysis, thesis writing – I managed to overcome. I pushed my limits. I stood up for myself a lot and had the courage to have difficult conversations. I practiced my set boundaries. Less of people-pleasing. I created a community of people who are loyal and value fitness. I was comfortable being and showing my true self. On love relationship and family front, not progressing so well but there were efforts made, and I did my best, which mattered. Best thing I could do is just let go and accept people as they are. Be at peace with it and just remain respectful and kind.

    I believed in myself more and trusted my abilities to overcome adversities. I can say that I have had a fulfilling year so far; and I have only God to thank for.

  • Mid December Dumps

    Typical stay-in on Sunday. Initially wanted to go out to my parents after I’m done with my chores today, I decided not to because I didn’t feel like going out anymore. What has been up? For the past few weeks, I was just trying to reconfigure my life again so that I am not all over the place. Life is still overwhelming as usual, but I guess I am feeling happier – apprehensive for what’s to come next year; and most of the difficult stuffs that I struggled with had all been done and dusted. Mixed feelings and experiences, I don’t have to write it down in a structured way – though I criticise myself a bit for still wanting to be organised, even with writing this simple post; I guess I have to accept that this is just the way I am. So, let’s just keep it structured.

    What’s great:

    • Paid my viva voce fees
    • Had a nice evening yesterday at Christmas carolling with the ladies that I teach at the gym
    • My body composition is going more towards my goals – gained loads muscles and lose body fat. I think my nutrition strategy worked. Will test again for the next few months.
    • My body is adjusting to my more intense training and physical activities now – and I kind of have a routine to reset and recover so that my body remains resilient
    • Broke my 2k income target for the 2nd month
    • Spent more time with my family; however, haven’t seen my grandma and other relatives for months
    • I stood up for myself and that felt great
    • My relationships with the people I meet from my fitness circle are getting better
    • Organised and clean my house today, all the stuff I want to do all done

    What’s not great:

    • Pending 1 more assignment which is already due
    • Still have viva voce to face, create my presentation slides and practice. After all the troubles to get this far, it still is so overwhelming – I just don’t want to deal with this at the moment
    • Just feeling anxious to face the week – it’s gonna be a busy one and I’m not ready to get busy
    • I am feeling not fully recharged and ready yet to face the week – mainly because I haven’t finished my assignment and presentation slides that I want to get done by this week
    • Despite of my life getting much simpler and slower, I am still feeling overwhelmed.
    • I have yet to write my 2025 plan and review my 2024 progress
    • Again, yes, so much things to do, but little time and energy to do them all
    • And so much stuffs to buy but not enough cash for now to get them

    I was thinking about who am I right now – how far have I grown. This was triggered as I watched a socks brand advertisement punishing people they label as ‘Normies’ and approving people with outrageous aesthetics. Normal people are not necessarily bland, every individual is unique and has own quirks. I so disagreed with the ads, and it really irritated me for being so judgmental. Then I asked myself, have I become a boring person as I don’t fancy being weird and upbeat anymore (like, serious questions). My conclusion on this now, there are 2 types of people, traditional and weird people. I’d like to think that I am more into the traditional type, then again, I definitely am not a boring person. I just prefer more structure and stability, rather than drama and uncertainty. I am extremely creative, still open to learning new things, new experiences and some adventure.

    I thought about what’s my goal for next year. My main objective is definitely on creating stability. I think for my development plan for next year is developing strategies on how to transition my life from surviving towards growth, improving my life standards for a bit. Like the food I eat, which area of my life should I prioritise, making my house more homely and comfortable, investment and saving goals, my wardrobe, my appearance. I feel like I am ready to be that Nurul who enjoys life, going out and about; and always dress well again. I can’t imagine how I got the time to apply make up on all the time even just for going to class last time. I want to wear nice clothes and shoes; and hanging out with my friends again. I am letting go that survival phase Nurul that I have to pull through to get by. Thank you for that version of me for hanging on. It’s time to move forward and thrive. I believe in you (myself!).

  • Sudden Wave of Grief

    Today, it hits hard. Like a 3-storey wave hits the shore. That’s okay, just like waves, this feeling will come and go. I have been sick and am dealing with insecurities and losses at the moment, and it just doesn’t help that I have been having odd dreams and just some reminders of him now and then after a long while. I looked for answers why it’s so hard to detach. What does it says about me? What does the losing of the relationship subconsciously symbolise? My best guess is stability and probably happiness. But more of stability. Maybe if I work hard to achieve that I would be slightly better.

    Life has been really testing lately but also I have good people around me, so that helps a lot. The usual ups and downs. I really am growing and moving forward now, so it’s up to me to get myself ready and rise to the occasion. That aside, I seriously want to process this grief I am feeling today. I was checking my thesis draft just now, and just chilling listening to a really catchy cheerful happy love song, and surprise, my heart twitched and felt hard, just as a flash of him coming to my mind. My face warmed up and I cried. These few days I really went hard to stay focused and only listened to black metal songs. When I decided to take it easy, this happened. Funny thing is I play that cheerful song all the time at the gym. It’s when I need to hang on and I feel like I’m about to hit rock bottom, I would be reminded of him a lot. Instead of rationalising, today, I decided to feel and surrender. Probably it will always be a part of me, and the feelings won’t probably go away. Like how my anxiety and neuroticism will always be a part of me. Once I acknowledge that, I will be able to manage my emotions better.

    It is okay. I am human with deep feelings. At least I don’t run away anymore. Everything is going to turn out just fine. Feel all the feels and let them free.

  • Mid-November Things

    This month so many things to deal with. I feel like I pretty much autopilot things one at a time. And a lot of things to prepare, like I start to think on my transition as a consultant after I graduated from my studies. Yes, it is beginning to get so real! I am so excited and looking forward to hand in my completed thesis. Just 2 more easy assignments need to hand in as soon as I can.

    I have been not well these few days due to late rests at night and the weather is just crazy. Just that this month, I have been receiving new customers at the gym and people querying about personal training. I am just observing the trend, not concluding anything yet. And I am feeling anxious a bit because I am handling quite a number of new people at the moment. As a coach, I learn new things for myself as well, like reminding myself as my role to guide, not to force people when making choices for themselves; and secondly, to not project my limitations onto others. Like, I have energy and sensitivity limitations – and it’s different from others especially those younger than me. So I must also consider that when making recommendations. Dealing with people is tiring but manageable for me right now.

    Largely, I want to grow, but I am feeling insecure right now with a lot of things. But I guess, no one is perfect. As long as I’m doing my best, that’s good enough. Handling a gym on my own requires so much energy and when I fall sick, I just teach and show up with reluctance – luckily not resentment towards others, knowing full well that I should stay in and recover. I want to do so much for people and that stresses me out so much more.

    My finance is slowly recovering this month, I managed to pay some debts and my bills and still have enough for the next 2 weeks for my next pay. Unexpectedly yesterday I received red letter, the notice to cut supply if I don’t settle my outstanding amount. It’s not much but now I know that my bills need to get cleared monthly. Very well noted. I just paid without hesitation and left with a few bucks to survive on. It’s OK, I am still learning. I will get better at this.

    What I need to do is to sit down, and review and update my list. Now it’s all over my head, I don’t have facts of everything. Still I gotta focus and prioritise. What’s happening now, is I begin to grow, and I need to be more efficient as I am handling more tasks at the moment. I need to sort out my finances record so that I can see where I can limit and where spending should grow.

    This weekend is all about reflection, recovery and preparation. Yesterday, I really had a nice time going out for movies with the ladies from gym and their kids. It’s so heartwarming when one of the ladies who invited us said that we are all part of her family. We watched a Christmas movie, Red One, it was very nice and entertaining, though I feel it’s really not for teenagers viewers, but whatever. I was naturally drawn to the main character (cause it’s Chris Evans) – adventurous laid back but genius dude, anddd unavailable man as well. Funny it got me thinking, why am I attracted to these guys a lot. Those I have met so far just like ones and zeros – ranging from too normal, predictable, keen and too flighty, flaky, directionless. Should I resort to normal boring men, no freaking way, I would not be able to live with myself that way. That’s okay, I have not meet my person yet. Just don’t settle okay. Anyways, towards the end of the movie, it shows that behind every prick, there’s an unhealed child inside them (Chris Evans character as a small boy shown talking to his kid in that movie). It was a touching moment, and I caught the lady next to me wiped her tears. I don’t know if she’s reminded of her youth, or her son. When I reflect back onto myself, I picture myself as a small little girl who is alone at a yard doing her own thing after school, building makeshift stuffs out of wood, sand and soil and sticks minding her own business on her own. I want to know this girl. I think I haven’t healed her. Thinking of this makes me feel sad, but that’s okay, I’m going to deal with it.

    So yeah, gutted that I’m sick, while having to figure out tricky people handling stuff is exhausting. I got to hang on for a few more months and focus on one thing at a time. I don’t know if I could actualise the life that I want in this lifetime, but I will keep trying till my last breath. That’s the promise I make to myself. So yeah, focus on one thing at a time.