This month so many things to deal with. I feel like I pretty much autopilot things one at a time. And a lot of things to prepare, like I start to think on my transition as a consultant after I graduated from my studies. Yes, it is beginning to get so real! I am so excited and looking forward to hand in my completed thesis. Just 2 more easy assignments need to hand in as soon as I can.
I have been not well these few days due to late rests at night and the weather is just crazy. Just that this month, I have been receiving new customers at the gym and people querying about personal training. I am just observing the trend, not concluding anything yet. And I am feeling anxious a bit because I am handling quite a number of new people at the moment. As a coach, I learn new things for myself as well, like reminding myself as my role to guide, not to force people when making choices for themselves; and secondly, to not project my limitations onto others. Like, I have energy and sensitivity limitations – and it’s different from others especially those younger than me. So I must also consider that when making recommendations. Dealing with people is tiring but manageable for me right now.
Largely, I want to grow, but I am feeling insecure right now with a lot of things. But I guess, no one is perfect. As long as I’m doing my best, that’s good enough. Handling a gym on my own requires so much energy and when I fall sick, I just teach and show up with reluctance – luckily not resentment towards others, knowing full well that I should stay in and recover. I want to do so much for people and that stresses me out so much more.
My finance is slowly recovering this month, I managed to pay some debts and my bills and still have enough for the next 2 weeks for my next pay. Unexpectedly yesterday I received red letter, the notice to cut supply if I don’t settle my outstanding amount. It’s not much but now I know that my bills need to get cleared monthly. Very well noted. I just paid without hesitation and left with a few bucks to survive on. It’s OK, I am still learning. I will get better at this.
What I need to do is to sit down, and review and update my list. Now it’s all over my head, I don’t have facts of everything. Still I gotta focus and prioritise. What’s happening now, is I begin to grow, and I need to be more efficient as I am handling more tasks at the moment. I need to sort out my finances record so that I can see where I can limit and where spending should grow.
This weekend is all about reflection, recovery and preparation. Yesterday, I really had a nice time going out for movies with the ladies from gym and their kids. It’s so heartwarming when one of the ladies who invited us said that we are all part of her family. We watched a Christmas movie, Red One, it was very nice and entertaining, though I feel it’s really not for teenagers viewers, but whatever. I was naturally drawn to the main character (cause it’s Chris Evans) – adventurous laid back but genius dude, anddd unavailable man as well. Funny it got me thinking, why am I attracted to these guys a lot. Those I have met so far just like ones and zeros – ranging from too normal, predictable, keen and too flighty, flaky, directionless. Should I resort to normal boring men, no freaking way, I would not be able to live with myself that way. That’s okay, I have not meet my person yet. Just don’t settle okay. Anyways, towards the end of the movie, it shows that behind every prick, there’s an unhealed child inside them (Chris Evans character as a small boy shown talking to his kid in that movie). It was a touching moment, and I caught the lady next to me wiped her tears. I don’t know if she’s reminded of her youth, or her son. When I reflect back onto myself, I picture myself as a small little girl who is alone at a yard doing her own thing after school, building makeshift stuffs out of wood, sand and soil and sticks minding her own business on her own. I want to know this girl. I think I haven’t healed her. Thinking of this makes me feel sad, but that’s okay, I’m going to deal with it.
So yeah, gutted that I’m sick, while having to figure out tricky people handling stuff is exhausting. I got to hang on for a few more months and focus on one thing at a time. I don’t know if I could actualise the life that I want in this lifetime, but I will keep trying till my last breath. That’s the promise I make to myself. So yeah, focus on one thing at a time.