Today, it hits hard. Like a 3-storey wave hits the shore. That’s okay, just like waves, this feeling will come and go. I have been sick and am dealing with insecurities and losses at the moment, and it just doesn’t help that I have been having odd dreams and just some reminders of him now and then after a long while. I looked for answers why it’s so hard to detach. What does it says about me? What does the losing of the relationship subconsciously symbolise? My best guess is stability and probably happiness. But more of stability. Maybe if I work hard to achieve that I would be slightly better.
Life has been really testing lately but also I have good people around me, so that helps a lot. The usual ups and downs. I really am growing and moving forward now, so it’s up to me to get myself ready and rise to the occasion. That aside, I seriously want to process this grief I am feeling today. I was checking my thesis draft just now, and just chilling listening to a really catchy cheerful happy love song, and surprise, my heart twitched and felt hard, just as a flash of him coming to my mind. My face warmed up and I cried. These few days I really went hard to stay focused and only listened to black metal songs. When I decided to take it easy, this happened. Funny thing is I play that cheerful song all the time at the gym. It’s when I need to hang on and I feel like I’m about to hit rock bottom, I would be reminded of him a lot. Instead of rationalising, today, I decided to feel and surrender. Probably it will always be a part of me, and the feelings won’t probably go away. Like how my anxiety and neuroticism will always be a part of me. Once I acknowledge that, I will be able to manage my emotions better.
It is okay. I am human with deep feelings. At least I don’t run away anymore. Everything is going to turn out just fine. Feel all the feels and let them free.