Tag: emotional

  • I Passed My Viva Voce!

    I have been meaning to write about this on the day itself, but I was a bit disoriented and emotional that day. Despite of massive congratulations I received from everyone, I didn’t feel a lot, like excitement or something. People asked how I felt, I said, “Not a lot actually. I am still figuring out what it means.” I know right, despite of all the struggles I endured, it felt the same, and it concerns me a bit. Should I see a therapist now? Anyways, that aside, I did feel truly happy and relieved. It’s just that I still have a lot of work to do. So here’s the account of what happened on the day I passed my viva voce – 24th February 2025, like finally!!!

    My viva day, was exactly like I had planned out to be. I prepared my outfit that would make me feel my best, played on a song that would set my spirit up for it – check the song Bad Boy by Megisto out! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EYZ9IjgVnxc). Looked my best that I felt confident with (wasn’t happy with the shoes that I borrowed, but all my shoes are all broken. Minor thing, that’s okay). My nerves were like crazy as I had difficulties to sleep days prior. I told myself, “I am gonna be okay and that I have prepared for this for a long time, I know my work, I did my best – the rest is up to Allah. I am not the smartest person in the world, and it’s okay if I do not get what I had expected.” My mindset that time, is to give my best to explain my research, educate and give clear information of what I did; rather than defending anything. I guess I had the confidence I needed because I prepared well, and everything was in line. Like I read my thesis again back-to-back; aligned my presentation with the story on my thesis, practised my timing and focus on what to explain on a given slide, how much time to spend, made the adjustments needed as suggested by my supervisors.

    I arrived 30 minutes early from my viva presentation slot scheduled time, met my supervisor and she’s like, “Cantiknya Nurul!” I smiled at her and settled myself with all the technical preparation for my online presentation. Good thing I learnt from therapists on how to ease my anxieties so I just did the breathing technique taught and told myself it’s going to be okay. I looked good on the camera, I screenshot it but caught by everyone looking on the big screen and I was so self-conscious about it and didn’t manage to save it! Anyways, my viva went no longer than 2 hours, just about 1 and half maybe?

    My viva voce setup with panels and my supervisors

    Before my presentation, we, my supervisors and I were asked to leave the presentation room first for panel meeting. When we were called in, I straight away presented when we were all ready. My presentation on my screen was 17 minutes but the chairperson noted that it was 15 minutes. The examiners did not ask much on the presentation and we quickly proceeded to my thesis where we went through and discuss the chapters one by one. I liked how the examiners pointed out the details on my thesis, they were both very considerate and constructive with their remarks. Everyone present said I was lucky because I had good and thorough examiners. I was just being myself, and focused on enlightening the examiners, rather than defending my stuffs when asked questions. I admitted where I did wrong and when I didn’t know my stuffs. Looking at the expressions of my supervisors they were all like worried when an examiner pointed out a mistake. I was just taking notes and looking at them as a point to consider to improve my thesis. As we ended, my supervisors and I were asked to wait outside to give room for second panel meeting to discuss on my results.

    When we were called in, the chairperson gave her remarks, on how the moment was the moment every student has waited for. The examiners gave their results – that I passed with major correction. I could see my supervisors were so thrilled and did a small clap. I, on the other hand, was already assuming that I for sure gonna get a pass. I was thrilled, but probably less thrilled than everyone in the room. According to them, the major correction doesn’t matter anyway as they thought I needed more time to rewrite my thesis which I do. Thank you very much to examiners! The chairperson then called for everyone to say something on the results. My supervisors turn first, I couldn’t remember what they had said. Then it’s my turn. I thought, I owe this for myself and all the hardships flashed back to me. My speech went more or less like this. “First and foremost, I would like to thank for the examiners for the results. I would like to use this moment to acknowledge on my efforts on how hard I worked for this research.” I paused and tears welled up. Then I continued, “So, I want to thank myself for holding on. And of course, it is not just me making this possible, my supervisors, everyone in the postgraduate administration team for making sure I pay my dues as a student and so many more.” That’s all I could think of that time. The chairperson concluded the meeting with saying things like to stay humble, and acknowledge other people’s effort and stuff. When I first heard of her speech, it’s like she’s judging me and I was like, maybe she has never met someone who considers and values self as much as I do, and claim it out loud. I just let that go. Before we adjourned, I hugged my supervisors and thanked them. My main supervisors said she fasted that day to ask Allah for blessings for me. My supervisors are angels.

    As I stepped out of that room, everyone congratulated me, and we chitchatted for a bit. The panels remarked that I was very good at presentation and suggested I could be the right candidate to be a lecturer there. I politely declined, however, I am open for a research or part-time lecturing jobs. Everyone was so pleased in the end. As I got into my car, the happiness and feeling of relief is indescribable. The first person I wanted to break the news to was him (yes, you!); after all I’ve been through, you are still among my favourite persons to talk to. Then, I texted my mom to break the news. She has done a lot for me. Anyways, I spent a few minutes basking in the feeling and thought what I wanted to treat myself for a bit to celebrate. I thought, maybe I could celebrate with a couple of donuts and iced coffee, have lunch by the beach. I proceeded with the donuts and coffee, didn’t do the beach part as it was scorching hot. I really felt that I emerged as a different person as I stepped out of the room!

    Group photo with panels sans examiners and with my supervisors
    Supervisors and I, thank you so much!
    Postgraduate administration officer, she had helped me a lot and gave so much encouragement throughout!
    Minutes after I passed viva voce!
    Celebration!
    The unfortunate shoe I wore during viva, not sure it’s mom’s or my sister’s. Sorry didn’t know the heels had rotten and they broke scattered into pieces as I wore them during viva!

    I find it hard to go back to my routine life, somewhat it felt like, why am I still doing this, then I remembered the chairperson remarks on staying humble. I guess she did have a point there and actually wasn’t there to criticise my personality. I did feel empty a few hours later. I went home to meet my family and they were all like the usual gloomy vibe, and I was like, I gotta get out of here! Probably it’s Monday’s blues for everyone and my niece started to ask weird questions towards me. I spent a few hours there talking with my niece and nephew. It was so weird but I just let it go.

    The feelings after my viva. I definitely felt happy, excited and thrilled, but these feelings – sadness, loss, disoriented; they were all there and felt too. I did a quick search if anyone else felt the same. So relieved to find this thread (End of my PhD and I cannot feel relieved : r/AskAcademia) and that I am not alone.

    I am now yet to redefine my existence. What does this degree mean to me? How would I utilise all of these, reconfigure my life towards my goals? I think this is it. Finally the death of the old depressed, directionless version of me. I have shed my old skin. With greater power, comes greater responsibility. Things are going to get more exciting and expansive after this. So I have to declutter and prepare myself for what’s to come. That starts with my home and let go of the responsibilities that are not aligned with my goals. Doing a Doctorate degree and completing one is one hell of a journey. Thank you so much to everyone who has and had been with me throughout the journey; whether you are directly or indirectly involved, doesn’t matter, you all do count. Here is to the new chapter of my life!

  • I Still Can Make A Beautiful Life for Myself

    Feeling melancholic and gloomy for a bit. Today finally I get to wake up early before my alarm rang. Had a nice training session, went to my parents and did some stuff and head home. Had the best nap ever! My nervous system has regulated for a bit but I still need to take it easy. Open and Ramadan is coming next week, I don’t know how I’ll do but just pray for the best. At least I have gone through my viva. I have the funniest feeling about it but I’ll write about it later. The void feeling that I’m scared of is here, faster than I thought. I don’t know how to balance this, with being overwhelmed everyday, and do nothing and eat and sleep all day. And I slowly accept my reality today. Let go of the past. I’m going to be okay.

  • What’s My Issue? New Year Check

    I was having a temporary misalignment last night. I have been containing my suffering from feeling burnout mentally and physically this month. I am grateful that I have people to talk to about my problems especially working as a fitness professional. Essentially, anything big or small that triggers or inconveniences me made it felt like a huge deal. Some of the things that trigger me these days are when I come upon any writing on something that made me question my decision that is against my will, but is the right thing to do. I don’t want to minimise my feelings, just at time, I am double-checking the root cause of why I am feeling off in a moment (emotion = energy in motion).

    About a few weeks ago, I have been trying to rest like really have quality rest to recover my body and my mind afresh. Managed to do that, despite of that, however, I still managed to have that off feeling. Upon reflecting and after doing some reading, I was actually facing emotional void. For the first time I could actually relate to and like meet it face to face, and recognising that this is it. I have read about it years ago when I had that cloudy and overwhelmed feelings – but these I thought are the results of my burnouts and nervous system dysregulation as I was consistently on the go and being in survival mode. Now that I have got it sorted, almost, it’s the void that I have to deal with now. It is confusing and an uncharted territory to me to feel this void – I kept going outwards to give my attention to – to keep me busy, from what I am going to reveal next.

    It occurs to me today, after some reflection, I was like, why am I still getting myself bothered on other people’s business that has nothing to do with me? So, I was intentionally not making myself a victim like thinking about why certain people could not change, of how people don’t appreciate me enough, on how certain people need to fix themselves. Instead, I switch the focus on myself – what is it about me that care so much about what other people are doing, that has nothing to do with me and out of my control? This is not foreign to me, but it just shows I am not used to and comfortable with fixing my own problems. It is easier to look at other people’s flaws and insecurities and try to ‘help’ and ‘fix’ them, than doing that for myself. Again, whenever I am feeling vulnerable, I look outwards rather than inwards to regulate my feelings and emotions. When I don’t get anything externally, I am feeling sad and frustrated.

    It is so apparent that I am that ‘fixer’ and that is why, combined with my hypersensitivity, I am very good at listening and help people where they need it the most. Like I can really read them well and come up with SWOT analysis mentally in my head. At first, I didn’t identify myself as having this character. The more I think of my dynamics with other people that I relate with on day-to-day basis, the more apparent that I might relate with people by unconsciously trying to fix them as well. Like, the thing with my sister, my family, my role as a trainer, software engineer (like hello, we do problem-solving and fixing as a living) and troublesome men. On the good side, it is needed to help those who are lost and need some perspectives to solve their problems; and great for nurturing careers. And this strengthens my choice on focusing on becoming a consultant! On the other hand, doing that excessively, is kind of disrespectful on limiting other people’s ability and learning processes to be accountable and responsible for themselves and their actions. Just that I need to practice and set my boundaries of what to care on and what is not my business.

    Now, I have all the time in the world for me, it’s my time, and I have my own issues and challenges that I have got to face. The month of January is really hectic and I have not done yet with writing my plans for the next 3 years (I have got to, time is running out.). Probably, this is also the reason I am feeling like I am not going anywhere – still lack of focus and direction. The other day, I dreamt that my mom told me I have a baby daughter which I didn’t get to meet in that dream (and probably out of wedlock cause my mom was horrified when I broke the news out of excitement to my grandmother, too funny!). As I searched on the internet on what my subconscious was trying to tell me, it could be that I am beginning to grow as a new person and that what I have been building is slowly coming into fruition. My gut is telling me that I am on the right track. My vision is clear. The things to work on now are mostly on finishing what I have started, removing distractions, making my days more efficient and to stay disciplined and healthy for years to come.

  • Imago Relationship Theory

    I spent the past few days to rest and do nothing (despite of deadlines of my studies tasks but I know I could get it done real fast when I’m more regulated). Just started to feel the panic attack symptoms again. Good thing though I am more prepared this time to not focus so much on it and calm myself down. I finished 2 books and 1 that really create more awareness in me on how I relate with people. The book is an old-school relationship therapy one, Getting the Love You Want by Dr Harville Hendrix and his wife Dr Helen Hunt. So many have recommended on the book, I just finally managed to get and read it.

    It started with how childhood upbringing affects how we react or relate to others – this one is not so foreign to me as it’s gaining more popularity now. First, I was mostly affected by a mythical story on how a character (I forgot the name) who has 4 limbs (arms/legs) as a whole creature was split into two and thrown into earth. Then, it spent its life looking for its other half. The author described a good analogy on how an individual who was whole when he or she was born, but slowly losing wholeness due to events that represses the other half of an individual that touched around taboo issues, socialisation to be accepted in a community or a group that do not accept a person’s authentic individuality. The repressed or lost self then is the other half that we all keep searching for – mostly in a form of another person that we keep mistaken as ‘soul mate’, because essentially our soul that we are born with are lost and we want to be healed and be whole again. Using the story of mythical creature made me see and understand all clear and vivid on why I unconsciously am attracted to only a certain type of people.

    The Imago Relationship Theory talks about the phenomenon that we normally unconsciously pick a partner that closely resembles our parents – with all their good and bad traits. When we are mistreated by a partner, our pain caused by bad memories with our parents is activated and the body sends distressed feelings for fear of safety or death. That is why it feels so painful when I sense mistreatment from someone closest to me. I knew that I really need to dissect what really has happened and went on with me in my childhood. I used to think that I had an awesome one because I had plenty of time to play and were always surrounded with my cousins. I think what really screwed our upbringing stability, my siblings and I, was that mom had to go abroad to study and left us for a few years being taken care of by our maid and grandparents. And then after she got home, we moved to a new place which was much less nicer than our previous home (I think my parents were mostly stressed out during these times, economic bubbles and crash; while taking care of 6 growing children who need more resources and attention for school and education, teenage rebellious hormones etc), and I was sent to boarding school. I had many lovely memories with my parents, they really are not bad at all at parenting and providing – as they are also humans struggling with their own issues, a few crucial things were overlooked. Just to be more aware on my wound and triggers (by no mean I am being disrespectful, hurtful or petty towards my parents, I am so grateful that they have raised me so well), I am listing down what I liked and what I disliked about my parents and my childhood.

    Like list:

    • I like that my dad spent time to play with all of us – some incidents that I remember, he built a makeshift tent at our lawn, made paper kites for us to play on windy days, took us out to the beach on weekends, taught us to catch small fish from the stream
    • Dad is a nostalgic person – he recorded each of our memories going out, our achievements at school etc
    • He bought a bike and sent me to school every morning when I was 7
    • He cared about nurturing my intelligence and academic talents – he made wooden blackboard and dedicated to teach me maths in the evening whenever he could
    • He was really open and didn’t really shove gender roles expectations towards me, like pressuring me to be all demure and nice. I never had those dolls or other girly toys when I was a kid – not that I remember of. He gave me books, piggy banks, the ‘H’ building block sets that I really loved. He just let me play with my boy cousins doing whatever around his parents’ house whenever we had gatherings.
    • He is meticulous on cleanliness, his environment or who he associates with
    • He overall is a great provider financially
    • About mom, she is the nicer parent in my eyes
    • She acknowledged my presence and responded whenever I needed her
    • I thought she was the most gentle and beautiful woman in my eyes when I was a kid (well, mom is pretty and still look youthful for her age)
    • She collected stamps from all over the world when she was abroad cause she knew I loved collecting stamps (but the collection was ruined cause my brother threw it into swamp in one of our disagreements)
    • She rarely declines my requests or need for help
    • One of the memories that I would never forget is when one afternoon we were in my parents’ room and she scribbled a picture of me with pencil on paper.
    • She appreciates beautiful things and loves pampering me with girly beautiful stuffs like clothes, shoes, bags whatever.
    • She is creative with so many hobbies and crafts

    Dislike list:

    • Dad can be self-centered and insensitive to my feelings
    • He often dismissed what I had to say when trying to join in his conversation which left me feeling stupid and not making sense or feeling like I don’t have conversational skills
    • He does not know how to treat me like a daughter, does not show love, respect nor appreciation of my individuality
    • He often changes his mind on something making me feel confused at times
    • Fragile ego
    • Angry, lashed out on others, hypervigilant and short-fused – later acted normal as if he did not do anything outrageous that hurt us
    • Think he is the only one who is right
    • Mom doesn’t deal with things or difficult issues – rather let things solve itself (or other people jumping in to help)
    • She represses her authentic self – very different person at home, with friends and with her family
    • She does not really fight for what she wants and needs
    • She is not consistent – easily swayed by the mass or external circumstances
    • She does not see herself as a person capable of agency, often does not know what she wants and relies on others to influence her actions or decisions
    • She is chronically stressed and hides it
    • She can be disorganised
    • She can be petty and manipulative
    • She just hides herself as a person behind her role as a mother, wife, daughter, sister or whatever role she acknowledges herself as.
    • She can be overly critical of me and on how I do things
    • She can be persistent and tactical to get what she wants. Sometimes I don’t know her acting like a helpless person is because she really feels helpless or just an act to get us involved

    Often when I was little, I got frustrated with my parents and wanted to run away either to my mom’s parents house or my dad’s sister house who lives nearby with her family. I don’t recall my dad being close to his siblings due to him himself, often was away from his childhood home, except with one or two elder sisters. I think I have to add 4 more guardians that forms my childhood experience as well which 3 of them have passed away.

    • My aunt, who had worked in a bank that time. I view her as a smart career woman. She was chatty, funny and outgoing. We maintained relationship until the time she passed away this year.
    • Her husband, very nice man so different than my dad. He was lively, expressive and put his heart on his sleeves. I totally felt love and joy interacting with him as a kid. He loved us girls but could be critical to his sons.
    • My mom’s mother – she is the ultimate housewife and caregiver, model eldest daughter. Very disciplined and organised with chores and also has a lot of hobbies and skills. She is a very talented woman. She loves to cook us food but can be a bit dictatorial with us when we girls are not doing our functions as a lady, who cooks and serves men food and drinks – all the traditional role of a woman as nurturer and childbearer. I remember when I stayed with my grandparents, I had joined her everyday to the mosque for Maghrib prayers; went for all the weddings, gatherings whatever functions in the village. I spent a lot of time alongside her when I was not at school as I was the good helpful obedient smart first granddaughter. I learnt about how to earn money from her. She could be a bit prideful, as I remembered she scolded me when a teacher lent me a clothing item for a performance, saying to return it back and that we can afford to buy those for ourselves. I didn’t understand her sentiment that time but I felt that my grandmother has endured so much to become that way. Nonetheless, I often feel her love and warmth whenever I visited her.
    • My mom’s father – a retired teacher; he was a popular, artsy and charming man. Literally everyone who is a retired teacher or in their 50s and above in Sabah knows him or had been his student. He was a good storyteller and often so interested in what happened around him. I love that he was so fun to be around with and easy to talk to. His life was simple, tend to his farm in the morning till afternoon, home by lunch hour to eat and nap, out again and be back by dusk for prayers. He taught us on how to read the Quran when I was little. He was very comfortable being around us and his daughters, often teasing us; but sometimes I didn’t appreciate when he compared me with my mom cause my mom, according to him, was the most beautiful girl in the village before she got married. I didn’t really understand his character but he was fun to be with and often were up for some adventures for us kids. As I got older into adulthood, I feel that he became a bit critical of me for not leading a traditional life, not being married at a certain age and do not have a stable career (like working 9-5 or in government sectors). Both him and my grandmother had this scarcity mindset when it comes to money – probably because they have to raise 9 children together that time.

    I do not know yet what can I do with these information as I have not yet finished reading the book. At least I am aware what my triggers are now. As I reflected on my teenager and undergraduate student phase, I felt so odd and outcast, normally hid myself towards what I am good at – getting good grades. I remember feeling so much shame and guilt for not studying on a movie night at school that I skipped movie and decided to study. The thought in my head was, my mom deceived the scholarship provider by altering my guardian details, I didn’t deserve the scholarship and I must do well in studies so that I will not abuse the taxpayer’s money to fund my studies. This was when I was 14 years old. I was so angsty and rebellious during this phase – hormonal and not understanding myself and upset that people did not understand me. I think the school had aggravated my already self-conscious overwhelmed with unworthiness self a lot more. I found solace with a small group of friends in marching band and a teacher who had helped me a lot at school. I wasn’t at peace. In addition to the stressors of blending in with students with competitive and high performing mindset, I was deceived to sacrifice my appreciation of my beauty (my aunt told me it’s mandatory to cover my hair, when that was not the truth). I know this might sound funny and trivial, but I was not happy looking like an aunt who didn’t know how to style her hijab that time.

    Looking back, I think I should not punish my parents harshly for what happened to me. They pretty much accepted my anger, fashion sense and all. They provided me the best they could and still does when I need it. They just don’t know how to connect to my soul on a deeper level – like acknowledge my struggles, actually putting in more effort to show support in everything I do – not only on those that they agree with, being less critical of my choices, not putting so much pressure towards me to earn high income and respectable society status; as what they had projected towards my siblings. Among contributing factors are the boarding school system which is supposed to be the best and elite in the country, immature adults, distorted religious beliefs, temporary neglect when my parents were in tough times that I have dealt with that had scarred and changed the way I was. No one was present to be with me and teach me how to deal with my vulnerabilities facing my challenges and struggles. I was left with myself to make sense of things and learn how to survive – at least this is how I see my story. Probably in many years to come, I might see it differently, hopefully for the better.

  • Year End Review 2024

    It’s a week away before 2025 comes and I have not yet come up with my plan for next year. It’s just that my mind still has so much clutters and I can’t really point out what really is keeping me busy or unproductive (the magic word – I can’t really live without being productive). Maybe I should quickly sort out what’s going on recently.

    Last week was busy, like back to back preparations and attendance for Christmas parties and meetups, like from 14 Dec till 20 Dec, I attended 6 events, including dinner and my Christmas party classes. I think most of my energy went for the preparation, being socially present and I rest very little that week. Despite that, I really had a great time and the things that I prepared for went really well. I am so proud of myself for the courage to go out there and enjoy festivities with people I am not really close with. One thing that I noticed is that people really appreciate me and my presence. I don’t feel alone anymore. Best thing ever, a class participant told me, she said something like this, “Nurul, you are one of the best instructors that we’ve had.” I am so thankful with the opportunity to be around with such quality women.

    I am also worried that I spent so much on food these days. Like I ate a lot! I mean I really need food more than I used to have, but I don’t know if I am overdoing it or not. I also feel that I am heavier and have grown bigger – my waistline expands a bit cause my abs and obliques have grown a lot, but my body fat has reduced only a little. My lats are bigger as well as my arms and shoulders. My chest pecs are more visible now. I have not checked my measurement for a while. So, it’s pretty confusing to me. To be fair, I did a lot of gymnastics drills last week, maybe I need to recover and nourish myself a lot more. I also covered a lot more classes last week and this week. What makes me unsettled is that I now have to buy new sports bra as the ones that I have feels tighter than usual and at times I feel it’s hard to breathe. I can barely fit into my weightlifting belt – still can manage if I squeeze hard into my torso. Sometimes I look bloated from my side profile, the muscles just make my belly fat more apparent.

    I still have not finished my assignment and done with my viva presentation slides. I must do it latest within 1st week of 2025, otherwise, things are going to be so chaotic. Also, I got to pay my semester fees by then, and claim from EPF at least I can reinvest the money.

    The minor ones, my kitchen drain is stuck for a few weeks already. I thought I had it sorted out but the blockage just reduced a little bit after a few interventions. Options would be to ask my brother, ask the management or buy a temporary portable sink so that I can do my dishes outside. My plants are not doing well, some died and I killed my mom’s dying orchid. I feel so sad. Though it’s not my fault, I just want to do something nice for my mom cause according to her, my grandma had the orchid since my mom was a kid. Imagine how long had it been alive! I’ll buy her a new one with flowers. My car air conditioner is being erratic, still bearable but I got to sort this out because it’s dangerous to drive when it rains heavily outside.

    These are all my worries for now (that I can think of now). I feel that my body is inflamed and dysregulated with all these functions and worries. On top of that, I am also upset that my siblings do not acknowledge that we have to step away from the dysfunctional family dynamics that I am seeing and are accusing me of trying to break the family apart. That is the least of my intention. Of course I love my parents and all, but I don’t appreciate being treated the way everyone does – lacking in empathy, care, kindness and respect. They never take me seriously anyways, so might just focus on myself. What matters is I tried. I have to set my boundary and limit my interactions with them.

    Okay, that is a whole lot of stuffs to process and feel within a week. On towards what I want to work on in 2025. The focus is in generating wealth and creating stability; also building meaningful connections and relationships. So, areas that I am going to think about financially is on the targets and goals for my earnings, investments (set aside RM500 for year-end shopping), savings (at least RM2,000 ready) and debt management. Keep tracking my expenses so that I know how to configure my resources optimally. And then come up with figures and my plans on how to achieve my financial goals. Next one, strategies to manage AFC more efficiently – how can I use tools to simplify my processes while building more numbers. And then, start to think on my consultancy firm – core service, team and stuff, just about setting up, not even talking about earnings yet. I want to sharpen up my technical knowledge and find time to build a simple cloud solution for sale and subscribe. To manage my time and energy wisely, with teaching, training and recovery – pair with adequate nutrition, hydration and rest. My fitness goal would be to reduce my body fat percentage and progressing on skills. Finally, I have to set the timeline to finish pending projects.

    On personal level, I would like to treat myself a bit better and be more in control with my time and energy. Find time for creative hobbies, improve my living conditions, declutter and invest in skincare, haircare and quality clothings. Schedule and prep my nutritional needs ahead, and a lot more. Be mindful with my expenses, home and car maintenance; as well as get ahead of bills. Anything at all that will help myself to heal and become better. I want to be that person who enjoys fashion and the finer things in life again.

    Reflecting back, I have achieved so much this year. My income increased, and I actually hit my target set earlier. My competence and fitness level has grown a lot. I am a lot fitter and stronger than I was in January this year. I actually managed to finish my thesis – all the difficult stuffs; data collection (I still can’t believe I was so shameless with the whole thing, asked for help, travelled all over the place for this, like not overthinking if its logical or not – like just wing it!), data analysis, thesis writing – I managed to overcome. I pushed my limits. I stood up for myself a lot and had the courage to have difficult conversations. I practiced my set boundaries. Less of people-pleasing. I created a community of people who are loyal and value fitness. I was comfortable being and showing my true self. On love relationship and family front, not progressing so well but there were efforts made, and I did my best, which mattered. Best thing I could do is just let go and accept people as they are. Be at peace with it and just remain respectful and kind.

    I believed in myself more and trusted my abilities to overcome adversities. I can say that I have had a fulfilling year so far; and I have only God to thank for.

  • Sudden Wave of Grief

    Today, it hits hard. Like a 3-storey wave hits the shore. That’s okay, just like waves, this feeling will come and go. I have been sick and am dealing with insecurities and losses at the moment, and it just doesn’t help that I have been having odd dreams and just some reminders of him now and then after a long while. I looked for answers why it’s so hard to detach. What does it says about me? What does the losing of the relationship subconsciously symbolise? My best guess is stability and probably happiness. But more of stability. Maybe if I work hard to achieve that I would be slightly better.

    Life has been really testing lately but also I have good people around me, so that helps a lot. The usual ups and downs. I really am growing and moving forward now, so it’s up to me to get myself ready and rise to the occasion. That aside, I seriously want to process this grief I am feeling today. I was checking my thesis draft just now, and just chilling listening to a really catchy cheerful happy love song, and surprise, my heart twitched and felt hard, just as a flash of him coming to my mind. My face warmed up and I cried. These few days I really went hard to stay focused and only listened to black metal songs. When I decided to take it easy, this happened. Funny thing is I play that cheerful song all the time at the gym. It’s when I need to hang on and I feel like I’m about to hit rock bottom, I would be reminded of him a lot. Instead of rationalising, today, I decided to feel and surrender. Probably it will always be a part of me, and the feelings won’t probably go away. Like how my anxiety and neuroticism will always be a part of me. Once I acknowledge that, I will be able to manage my emotions better.

    It is okay. I am human with deep feelings. At least I don’t run away anymore. Everything is going to turn out just fine. Feel all the feels and let them free.

  • I Am Exactly Where I Need to Be

    Been wanting to write for a while. Have gone through some nice weeks prior and things are moving so fast that I need to process things for a bit. Took a break from training post-competition to reset my body and nervous system – seriously I was struck with one after another, thesis, training, classes, travelling on survival mode; and to unexpectedly received surprise messages – the usual hi and gone stuff; on the eve of my birthday, seriously? When I wanted to just be friendly and show that I feel happy for you for starting class, suddenly I got blocked again. Do you see your communication pattern? That drives me mad, but I am not gonna be affected by those anymore. Everything from you doesn’t have any clear context on me, as the recipient of your interaction.

    Now, that’s out of my system, I want to process on how sweet my brother has been for repairing my old little car on his own (it’s already 19 years old this year). He has been trying to fix it for weeks and spent so many to buy the tools and parts to help me. Funny thing too, my dad starts to join him outside at the porch with a cup of coffee in his hands, watching my brother fixing the car. Earlier, weeks way before, my brother told me he was ushered on wheelchair to the ICU, paralysed, as his blood pressure sky-rocketed to 250. As a fitness trainer, I know how urgently he needs intervention to care for himself. I told him to take things slow and don’t stress too much. He has done so much already. And then, I began to talk about our shared childhood trauma and how it affected us as adults interfering with our lives and causes unnecessary stress and hypervigilance. He didn’t want to listen to me at first, but I kept talking anyways – deep inside I know he felt shame and anger, or something else, as he kept asking me questions about our childhood and how it affects us. I told him to go do some searching on “childhood neglect” and “childhood trauma”; and that if he has the budget to go see therapist. I have been wanting to see one, but for now books and alternative means have helped me a lot so far. The pain of being in relationships with wounded/dysfunctional/abusive people have really forced me to think and find what’s wrong with me for choosing to be with them and to finally find ways to heal my trauma.

    So, back to my brother, I worry so much for him. I hope he could come and train with me to improve his health. A few days back, we were having lunch outside while waiting for my car tire replacement to finish at a workshop, and he brought up the topic about childhood trauma again. I am happy that he finally understands that there’s nothing wrong with him and that it’s the trauma responses that made us respond to things the way we do. I am glad that he gets the understanding that it’s not our parents’ fault either as they, too, at that time, wouldn’t have known better. Having that conversation, I hope he understands the pain that I have gone through upon knowing that everything I knew about myself was wrong for the past 38 years and that I have to isolate myself and rebuild a life and identity that is true to me at my core. After that conversation, I feel like I wanted to hug my brother (but I didn’t), it feels like he was that small little boy again who I need to protect as a big sister. I want him to know, that he can come to me and talk to me about anything that bothers him – same goes to my other siblings.

    Other than the stuff about my brother, I sort of feel that I am getting better at delivering a good class. My endurance has gone down a bit due to long rest, but being able to teach engaging 5 BodyPump classes in a week, on top of my regular Putatan classes is such a win for me this week. The new release is so hard. So this time, my focus is for my participants to gradually build in their strength injury free, find which area that is challenging to them and focus on diverting their fatigue to their technique and to feel the load as stimulator, not as something to avoid. I am just so grateful with this job and the crowd there, these guys have helped me in believing in my own strength and power as a person. Also, had a nice mamak dinner after gym cleaning with the ladies I teach in Putatan. I feel that it’s scary that we all are getting along better and getting closer, that my reaction was to immediately put boundaries and put up a wall so that they don’t know me that much despite of me telling hefty things about myself to them. Maybe it’s the reaction from being used to people taking advantage of me. I preached a lot about the nervous system, to avoid being in an overdrive – I hope someday they would get what I mean. I am also happy that I see a lot of progress for each of them, proving that their trainings start to trigger changes towards their body. I have just started to build my strength to getting back to CrossFit training, hopefully I would have enough to pay for gym fees and start training again by next week. The drills that my coaches gave me have helped me a lot and I see a lot of improvements on my technique and that my physique has changed a bit (I think my abs muscles, those forming six packs have grown a bit; and my shoulders width – the lats area, is a bit broader than before). My focus this time would be more on skills and actually finish all the prescribed conditioning workouts.

    My thesis has gone to the backseat a bit as I focus on finishing the last module that I have to attend and redo. Today’s class was the last one. I really enjoyed the sessions – it’s more like a study group environment rather than a full-blown lecture. The lecturer was so good and encouraging to everyone – even towards those who made outright mistakes in their presentations (but as a trainer, I am so used to correcting people real time, that I had to point out what could be done to improve their work – not apologising, I am just a direct person). I have been having this imposter syndrome, keep questioning myself if I am doing the right thing with my research, my framework and all – having interacted with her, and receving her feedback after presenting my work, I am now more confident with what I am doing. She explicitly tells everyone this – “Now I believe that she does her own work for her thesis, she really knows what she’s doing and she’s a very hardworking person.” Hearing that from someone I admire and respect, is so validating. Half of the postgraduate lecturers there know who I am and who my parents are, they might expect something lesser of me. I believe I do my best whenever I can with whatever resources I have to make it happen with the help and support of people around me. I am a person of effort; I am capable and I can do this! At the end of our class, the lecturer asked for feedback, and when its my turn, I just started saying how thankful I am for the class and the lecturer and my voice began to crack! I just almost cried but I kept myself composed, paused and talked slowly. I was surprised because it happened a lot when I talk about my research or anything to do with my studies. That’s how deep my feelings and attachment are to my research after all the things I have gone through to come this far. I still don’t know what that means.

    Overall, I really did have a nice weekend that temporary water disruption did not water down my contentment! I am not as fatigue this week, I take care of regulating my nervous systems, I get things done, I nurture my relationship with my family, secured a few new clients to train with me and made new friends. Today I realised, everything is already lined up for me. I just need to prepare myself to face them and follow through what is in store for me in the near future. I don’t have to worry if I would make it in each area of my life – everything will happen when it’s time. I just need to focus, keep building to be the best version of me that I can be and be ready to hit the gas for what’s to come in time. I feel that I have grown and healed so much from my old self. Thank you Allah for helping me.

  • Dysregulated

    I don’t know if I will ever feel calm again (yes, I will). Feeling so unsettled after drafting my thesis first round today. It’s like I have got too much stuff to write. My mom said it’s normal. Just keep going. Maybe I’m having decision fatigue. So much things to decide for my research and it’s giving me anxieties. And my body is starting to go into shutdown/freeze mode. OMG!

    I started to feel overwhelmed. Yes, my week is tiring. I am mentally, emotionally and physically drained. And thanks for your sudden appearance. It was a nice surprise, for whatever purpose that was. Talk to you soon ya! I will continue writing whatever I want here, it’s my sanctuary (except that it’s public).

    I don’t feel like meeting people this weekend, but I have a family engagement to go. I am just so low in energy and I just want to recharge and recover before Monday comes. Maybe it’s hormonal and lack of sleep from previous nights. Freaking tired.

    Just going to do my best with thesis. I have to fight for it otherwise I’ll face much bigger regret if I don’t submit it on time. So many things on the line. Come on Alam, you’ve got this!

  • Don’t Look Back

    Triggered by a few events today. The day started out quite okay, then I started to feel gloomy. I had a quick nap after class, and then received a text from my brother asking for a document I may have from our past dealings. I started to feel heavy, but looked for it anyway and didn’t find one. One thought to another, I felt how much a failure I am on fulfilling my duty towards my family. I felt like I let my family down, especially towards my dad who sacrificed and spent so much for me. He was once my hero, but over time I just feel like he’s so full of himself. And I am feeling guilty because it is as if I am taking advantage of my mom’s unconditional love to help me whenever I am in trouble.

    I looked the document up on my old laptop (which was loaned by mom). It is full of files and my saved articles from the days before I met him; and during the earlier times we were together. Suddenly, the feeling of failure and remorse just rushed within me. My heart feels heavy, and I am just feeling shame and hopeless. Looking back, I am so doing way better now than I was; but I feel unsettled because it is as though me leaving and standing up for myself causes others to suffer.

    It is like, everything that I started feel like they are going to fail and that I am going nowhere – which is my biggest fear. Like, I am back to square one. Maybe my beginning is now – things fell apart, things and people who are not serving me are no longer with me. I raised my standard. I am not where I was before – and moving forward is scary. But I am not going to let this thought to hinder my progress away. I am supposed to finish writing my data analysis part. I was just full of it – the shame and the feeling like I was not good enough. I am good enough. I will complete my studies. I will run my own consultancy and IT business. I will make it as an athlete and as a fitness instructor. I will thrive financially. I will have a loving and fulfilling relationship with the man of my dream. I deserve the best that life has to offer. I deserve to live up to my full potential. Don’t look back, the time is now.

  • Vulnerable

    This track accompanied me at my most vulnerable moment where I needed to be strong and courageous. Mixed emotions. In the midst of dealing with pain from heartbreak, soldier through with the need to rest and work and feeling fear of my safety travelling alone. It’s like, survival mode 100% – no time to feel my feelings, due to the tight schedule with me dealing with my data collection work, coordinating with agencies and with enumerators. I didn’t feel like a human being at that time. On the night bus to Kunak, I feel especially weak and sad, finally feeling through my feelings in the dark. I cried only a little, but that’s okay. This song helped me to feel my humanness and the meaning of existing in this world.

    Just watched the videoclip. I don’t remember having seen it before. Kind of creepy, but really tells us we can’t turn back time. Only way is forward, and before we know it, we are leaving this planet; and that death is the only way to return. There really is no time that should be wasted.

    Return to Innocence

    Love
    Devotion
    Feeling
    Emotion

    Don’t be afraid to be weak
    Don’t be too proud to be strong
    Just look into your heart my friend
    That will be the return to yourself
    The return to innocence

    The return to innocence

    And if you want, then start to laugh
    If you must, then start to cry
    Be yourself don’t hide
    Just believe in destiny

    Don’t care what people say
    Just follow your own way
    Don’t give up and use the chance
    To return to innocence

    That’s not the beginning of the end
    That’s the return to yourself
    The return to innocence

    That’s return to innocence