Tag: life journal

  • Family Values and Spiritual Dilemma

    I just want to write this out on something that I still don’t know how to deal with. I really am happy with my life, though it’s not quite can be sustainable for the long run – I positively believe I could thrive if I just stay on my track and be consistent. However, this current version of me, is not the version of myself that my family know of. I don’t know what happened to my family – they are so enmeshed and can’t see that it’s really not helping in personal growth of their own. I don’t care if that’s what they want for themselves; you, do you – certainly, those really are not my values. I sensed that my family noticed the growing gap between us, thus, trying to pull myself back in – sometimes forcefully.

    I am triggered when I have been asked to perform umrah with my family members, like, for more than three times already despite of me declining to go. I mean, it’s a good thing – but I am not spiritually there yet. Maybe I am scared that my family would want me to change myself again to be more like them. My family has never been respectful of one’s individuality. I honestly really hate them for this. Maybe I am scared too that some things in my life have to change after. I know how manipulative my mother can be. It still upsets me when I think of what she did and the rest of the family that caused me to lose my identity and myself growing up. I never knew a different version of myself except to be an obedient and subservient daughter, granddaughter and sister. I really don’t want to be that person again.

    Anyways, I just agreed to them that I would go. Probably there would be something good that would come out of it. I have never been to Saudi too. I don’t have the whole picture yet on how it is going to turn out for me. See how our dynamics are, if they want to push me around again like they used to – I gotta straighten them up. My best strategy now, is to leave everything up to Allah – Allah knows what’s in my heart and what’s best for me. Trust that everything will be okay and that I can block and handle my family’s manipulation. Allah will protect me as always.

  • Oct Check-In!

    It’s first day working after long break – thanks for long weekend! I am so burnt out. How did I know? I spent 2 whole days sleeping and relaxing, but I still feel so tired and lazy; like total dysfunction. However, today I managed to do some home organisation – so at least things are moving.

    Post-DBA submission, so many things has happened real fast – couldn’t barely sit down and process my feelings. I thought I have slowed down a lot but things still feel too much for me. What recently has happened:

    August – Taught for an event organised by KBS for over 20 participants, went to Nuluh Lapai Hill for a hike with the ladies, bought a new phone – yes, I’ve got 2 now, got sponsored to attend a conference, quite a major one – acquainted with 1 person in industry, upgraded some equipment at the gym, used TikTok – my video went viral so I used up a lot of energy with communicating with inquiries back and forth (still am today – tired but thankful), submitted my final DBA thesis draft

    Early September – kind of blur, not sure what has happened – I probably just trained my ass out and got a few minor injuries. Started to teach Saturday classes. Dealing with new gym members. Oh yeah, I think I was trying to recover so much as I just discovered on my intolerance on rich chocolate brownies – probably due to so much caffeine. This really took up my energy. My sister (5th sibling) gave birth to a boy! Towards the end, I was racing against time writing paper for a conference to submit by end of September. Along the timeline in the month, I went to visit my client’s office to check on their server and got treated with pizzas and coffee!

    October – Finishing that paper for submission and presentation – quite disoriented a bit cause overlapped with Bodypump new release launch and catching up with training. Presented for a conference and awarded best presentation and best paper overall for the conference. Attended physical thesis delivery ceremony with my friends. My sister opened up to me that the siblings are under some mystical attack – you guys, I was so freaked out – but I believed that Allah is always protecting us. I seriously am not sure why I am drained so much this month. And then of course my birthday came, and I had amazing celebration before and during my actual birthdays. I think I have finally solidify my circle of people. We went hiking at Aura Montoria. And then, I celebrated my birthday at my parents’ with my nieces and nephews – I treated them doughnuts and sushi. They are so cute! Now, I am trying to track back and setup the development environment to complete my clients’ system. Learning and planning all the way from zero.

    So yeah, so many important occasions have happened that’s worthy of a post. Am I going to be stressed out by this? Probably. I’ll prioritise what I need to do first – rebalance my energy level. I even dug deep assisted by ChatGPT and laid out my schedule together with my suggested nutrition plan. My day-to-day schedule is based on discipline – like I am always running around to meet deadlines and scheduled class times that by the time I need to do important work, I am already depleted to do anything else. I have to balance deep focus work with recovery, training and my physically demanding work.

    Also, I shouldn’t be taking so much extra classes – my body is going to crash. It’s good to know that my body goals are on track – however, I still want to lose more fat mass. My muscle mass is reaching 29.7kg now, reaching 30kg. I am doing better with supplements now – just have to watch out my finances so that I won’t overdo it. My body has changed a lot now that I gained so much upper body mass – my sports bra can no longer fit. My coach pointed out to me that my lats are so tight and joked about my clothings – then again, I too sensed that something need to change. I couldn’t fit into my weightlifting belt anymore and it annoys me so much as it’s expensive to buy a new one. Probably I should sell mine should I get another one – remember to buy a size M this time Nurul!

    So yeah, that’s to quickly summarise my months. There are so much that I wanted to write and got off my chest and my mind – it’s getting messy and cluttered in there. I’ll revisit and write more when I have the time. Just focus and hang in there!

  • That One Who Got Away

    I was in the midst of deleting old emails from my Google Mail to empty out my Google Drive storage. I kept deleting until the year 2014 when I was in UK, there was an email forwarding me photos of my parents visit in UK with a message saying “here are your photos. Kirim salam sama family”. It was from someone I have let down over some guy I had a crush on.

    It’s not that I didn’t like him. He’s 11 years younger than me. I didn’t think he liked me, like seriously that much.He’s always around when I needed him. He liked my cooking. Whenever I had extra food at home, I’d call him and asked if he’d like some. He would gladly come over to pick them up and never failed to compliment my cooking. When I needed company to ride the train to town, he would gladly do so with me. I wasn’t sure and wasn’t thinking of anything cause there were only a number of us Malaysians there in Wales and it’s very common to be helpful towards one another.

    He caught me alone with the guy I liked at my backyard in the middle of a conversation. I confessed to that guy that I liked him, and I thought he might have heard our conversation. Afterwards, he became cold to me – as if he knows what’s going on. He’s not that bad, he’s quite attractive, athletic, well-dressed, polite and he’s protective of me. Only issue was he was way too young. And I thought he’s a bit conservative that he might not like my guts and limits my freedom. He backed of and I have never heard of him again. Last time I was on Twitter, he might have mentioned on him getting married or something. I don’t know his other social media accounts, he completely stopped posting afterwards. Turns out, the guy I liked, wbile he’s so charismatic, he’s just a fake and I was so heartbroken. We met last time he was here but yeah I just can’t with his fakeness.

    Thinking back, it was so unfair to him. But love is never fair. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. Maybe it’s a redirection. But should I have the chance again, I would definitely give us a shot. I hope he’s happy somewhere in the universe and I would like to apologise for being such a bitch last time and for taking him for granted. By chance, we might see each other again,hopefully in better circumstances.

  • DBA Thesis Correction Feedback

    Received my thesis correction last Friday. I was nervous as heck waiting for examiner’s feedback. Was so relieved to that the examiner okay-ed most of the correction I did except 1 or 2 subsections (I gotta check back) and only need my supervisors to approve the correction. Breaking the tasks, I will focus on these items:

    • Citations check
    • Formatting
    • Subsections amendment
    • Ask for supervisors feedback

    Timeline will be in 2 weeks (due 10th August). I have more free time this week, so I am going to do as much as I can. No more donuts and endless coffee this time. I am trying to get my nerves under control without consuming food that would inflame my body. Let’s start now!

  • Mid-year Development Goals Review 2025

    It’s Sunday, today I am feeling a lot better. Feel a lot more myself compared to previous weeks. I guess it’s inflammation from the food and lack of nutrition that really set me back last time. Seriously, takeaways options have the most damaging dishes to the body and not fit for daily consumption. Yes, over here in Malaysia foods are cheap but quality is subpar. I’d rather cook than having them. I just wish I have more time and energy to prepare well-nourishing food consistently. My food-prep has been untimely lately due to lack of preparation in budget and time. Yeah, I need to reassess again how much food do I need a month with extra supplements on multivitamins and proteins.

    Just quick reviews from my goals as at July 2025:

    Self-care and wellbeing

    • Progressing – focus on decluttering, sleep hygiene first. Next on wardrobe upgrade and my hair maintenance

    Devotion

    • Still a lot to do – focus on memorising Qunut first

    Finance

    • Getting there – work on my actual income to reach RM2,500 and expenses below RM1,500 monthly. Fulfill my savings first, then fill in ASB

    Pending Jobs, Preliminary Action, UOB Painting Competition

    • Have to go at the back-burner this time – I’ll resume things by August 2025 after my thesis submission

    Home-making

    • Small progress but I am slowly getting there. Have to complete the bathroom first; then the living room paint job (which is not in the list but I want a different vibe this time)

    Education

    • Haven’t started saving yet – but I am eye-ing on the Pilates ISSA Cert

    Fitness & Nutrition

    • Still learning on what my body is lacking in and improve my nutrition. Training is going steady, though there are hiccups – I am getting the hang of it now. Did my handstand in May! Now progressing to bar muscle ups.

    I have underestimated the degree of difficulties involved in thesis correction. 2 more stages to go. I hope nothing major is required for the next stage. I have to prepare and care for my body so that I am fit to face whatever that is coming up for this dissertation. I am on track, focus and keep going.

  • Mid Year 2025 Check-Ins

    I haven’t posted anything since May. My life has been moving so fast, it feels like I am always racing against time. And I can’t seem to recall what have happened that drained me so much. Exhausted and overwhelmed every single week. The weather is not helping too as the temperature has been extremely hot these days even at night. There were great days, horrible days, lovely days and just so-so days. Proves that I am going through my days like every other human beings. I just want to slow down and recall what I did last month.

    So, I just started playing volleyball again with the help of another volleyball-crazy mate – we accidentally found a group of young men to play with (like they are fresh graduates in their 20s, so saying that they are boys are totally contextually incorrect). My first game with them was horrible as I was already exhausted from training and just started building my fitness back post-raya. We played for 2 hours straight, and I swear I felt that my legs almost fell off of my joints. I was still recovering from previous injury, I guess it had to do with my hip rotator. What’s great was that, I managed to train consistently 4 days a week and did my mobility after each class. I finally could kick up into handstand hold on my own which is a huge progress for me. I haven’t started with athletic capacity training yet as I don’t want to add further stress and injury to my body. The next few games were kind of good as we were getting along and were able to communicate our play. My thesis was still moving in slow motion but I just kept going bit by bit. Momentum has not been keeping up but deep within, I just knew that I am going to make it. I was terribly under fatigue with covering classes and focusing on events at the gym with random celebrations here and there. I actually enjoyed teaching in May and the package purchase at the Putatan gym surged post festive season.

    Training and work aside, my brother is finally married to his fiance. I knew about his love life drama, so I hope he is happy with his decision and that their marriage be blessed, become a loving and nurturing one towards each other. I had a lot of nice bonding moments with my brother. We kind of tracked back what had happened in our lives and shared vulnerable moments together. He kept recollecting memories on how I was out there hitting people if anyone dared to bully him when we were kids. And the time when I took my brother out to hang out at the mall to watch movies, for meals and buy him Coffee Bean frappucinos after payday. Deep inside, I feel like he needs courage and reassurance from me more than ever in this current phase of his life. It’s as if he wants his ‘functional’ big sister back. I pray that Allah will always protect him from any harm and danger coming his way. I will try to be more available to him and my family. Essentially, my weekends and a few days before his wedding were spent for my family.

    Towards the end of May, I was so dysregulated and overwhelmed and finally resorted to fix my nutrition intake, especially vitamins as I experience brain fog like most of the time which makes it hard for me to focus when I need to do introspective work. It was so frustrating. I have no energy left to deal with the most important thing right now – my thesis. I, then, discovered that I might be experiencing gastric acid reflux after experiencing bouts of scary headaches especially at night while driving to class or going home after class. My blood sugar level is going haywire. I tried to eat more frequently, like every 4 hours (the longest time without food). I was eating and preparing food the whole time. My meal schedule is like 5.30am breakfast, 9.00am post-training snack, 12pm lunch, 3.00pm second lunch and coffee, 5.00pm snack, 7.00pm snack, 9.00-10.00pm dinner. If I miss the timing, I start to feel all the weird reactions in my body. Buying snacks post-class all the time definitely not an economic option. At this point, I was feeling helpless and frustrated. I told myself repeatedly that I will get out of this situation and never have to be calculative about buying food to nourish my body again. Till then, I probably should look for easy energy bars recipe to make some post-class/training fuels.

    I had a small disagreement with a gym member at the place I am training in. We initially had nice interactions – like friendly banters and jokes. Over time, I think he began to feel more comfortable with me and like showing his true nature with me, being annoying and sometimes I felt offended like he tried to dominate situations at times. I was there dead serious to train and he was like playing around not even caring to follow workout instructions. I mean, I don’t really care if he wants to train or not, or on what his purpose of going to gym and stuff. But the way he joked around with me really was off-putting and distracting me out of my focus. I have been bottling up my annoyance for quite a while. Then one day before the start of our training, I was carrying a heavy dumbbell to perform a movement and he was standing next to me with really light weight. While waiting to start, he was looking at my weight and jokingly offered to switch mine with his. It was condescending and I was so annoyed that I snapped and called it out on him. I said things like why he was so nosy with what I’m doing, how he felt insecure watching me with heavier load than him and told him straight I was there to train not to fool around. If that was his purpose, to come to gym to just fool around, please don’t interfere with what I am doing. I think he had the shock of his life being called out like that. I don’t care if he wants to be an insecure condescending boy his entire life, but at least be respectful of others. After that, things were a bit awkward between us for like a week plus, though I still talk to him but not as friendly and aimless as usual. Things with immature men, a lot of them see women in limited lense of their expectations or ideals – either a woman is brash masculine or ultra feminine – submissive and demure. Women can be soft and nurturing but with strong opinions. I might be soft-spoken, polite and decent; but I am not one to be pushed around and be silenced when confronted. The incident made me so uncomfortable to go to train again but I just take my time to digest and reflect what has happened. It has nothing to do with me, I did nothing wrong, all I need to do is just focus with my training.

    Also, a lot of women are sending me inquiries about training in Putatan gym and its really distracting. I am surprised how so many of them are not familiar with gym trainings and costs incurred like they need to invest a bit. Trainers have to live also. I feel like this is the most tiring job ever, with little financial rewards, running a fitness business and at the same time teaching classes and train. I, for sure, am not going to do this forever. The amount of ridiculous questions and responses I received are so overwhelming. How little respect and importance people have for those working in fitness and towards their own health and wellbeing. I decided to just suck it up and entertain them at first, but most of the interactions ended quite good and I managed to secure many new clients for the gym. But those who get it, really appreciate my effort and services. I guess its a good sign that people are starting to notice our fitness training group. I am more emotionally drained because I have to repeatedly demonstrate my boundaries when interacting with them as I tend to normally people-please previously, and that is the norm of many people – expecting people to always be nice and compliant even when asked for things against their will. It’s okay, I will figure out how to protect myself at the same time providing great service to these ladies. In practical terms, I need to improve or automate customer-related functions of the business so that I do little interactions regarding administration stuffs.

    Great things that happen in May – I bought mom a huge phalaenopsis orchid plant for Mother’s Day, brother got married, catch up with family and extended ones, like all of them, new social circle, PR’ed my handstand holds, finally got a huge water tank for water disruption backup, more gym members coming in Putatan, grateful for my man’s presence in my life. Not so great things (cummulative May and June) – dealing with a lot of emotional discomforts from my interactions with gym members, dealing with the hormonal and chemical imbalances in my body, crazy weather, more money spent on nutrition and buying water tanks and fixing it at my house, still battling with fatigue to write my thesis.

    So, by the way, last night, I was at my parents doing laundry as usual after my Saturday class. Everyone was out attending a relative engagement do. While waiting for my laundry, I brought some snacks with me and picked a movie from Netflix to watch. A Filipino movie entitled “And the Bread Winner is..” about working abroad caught my interest and decided to watch it. I relate so much with the main character Bambi, who is an eldest sibling working day and night to provide for her family. Bambi, a gay transgender, works tirelessly but deep inside she is so exhausted to the point of giving up on life. I love her character, so kind and helpful, like everyone owes her so much for her kindness in her community and among her friends. She’s also unapologetically herself, you can see the way she carries herself and how she expresses her feelings. Though, she never does show her vulnerability to others – always strong and dependable – just like me. I relate to her character so much, as I lived abroad, provided assistance, sacrificed so much for my siblings and family and enduring the toxic productivity that comes with it, all that was me before. I cried so much watching the movie because I could feel her pain sacrificing for others and doing what she does especially during a scene when she vented in frustration towards her siblings on why she has to be the strong one, when does she get to rest, to whom she should turn to when she needs help and nurturing? Though the storyline and some characters are a bit sketchy, I felt so seen watching the movie and it healed me so much that my experience and emotional pain are validated and acknowledged from the movie. If you are a sole provider of your family or a parentified eldest sibling, please watch the movie. I really see myself in Bambi.

    My laundry wasn’t done after the movie, I had time left so I watched a couple of Indonesian movies adapted from Korean movies, “My Annoying Brother” and “2nd Miracle in Cell No. 7”. The movies are well shot and I think Vino Bastian’s acting is very fresh. What I noticed about the movies are they captured and tell stories on the feelings and emotions of men as friends, siblings and fathers. I feel like men are more authentic when they are around their family and friends. Men in my life, like all of them are secretive on how they feel; so, naturally watching the movie kind of changed my perspective of what men values and on how their emotion works when confronted on certain situations. Indonesian movies have evolved a lot, an as usual they managed to maintain their identities while integrating with modern values and not as Westernised as many Asian countries of which makes them so unique. I miss Jakarta after watching the movie. I hope to travel soon and see the world again.

    Watching the movies made me realised that I need to get out of my daily routines sometimes to take a break and look into the outside world, and the lives of others. I am a ticking time bomb stuck inside my own bubble. But I can’t let things go just yet. I want to be responsible for what I did to myself previously and make amends to myself first, then towards my family and others. It is okay to struggle a little. Life is still beautiful and I want to make it count while I am still alive in this world. Do my best, create as many good moments as I can, live life to the fullest and have no regrets left behind, InshaAllah.

  • Low Dopamine Stuff, Eye of the Hurricane and A Lot of Processing

    As I continue to drag myself to continue my DBA thesis correction, I have been battling internally why it is so hard to do and doubts have started to creep in, questioning whether I could do it or not. I have little motivation to do it. I procrastinated, did other productive things like cooking, gardening or cleaning, online shopping or every other stuffs that I could do just to fill time avoiding thinking about and working on my thesis. Then, I was curious why did I need to do all these things before I can roll up for writing. I might be getting low in dopamine and needed the rush to finally get up and running. A little bit of research, all the strategies I did were all dopamine seeking, only I did it in different ways over time. I am glad that I chose a better dopamine source (but still far from healthy). I needed to achieve something to boost up my morale like winning in games, completing easy tasks or submerge in the delicacies of food to feel satisfied and ready. To improve my dopamine level, I gotta eat more protein, iron, vitamin B6, meditate and manage my chronic stress (like, how it is possible to reduce the sources of stress!)

    Things in my life are getting a bit steady, though there were slight hiccups financially, of which, thankfully, have recovered. I didn’t get overtly overwhelmed as usual. I think I have started to understand myself more and just work with my current condition, let go of what I cannot control and focus on my development goals. I started seeing my man again, which is so soothing and regulating knowing that he is still around, hopefully for the better. My relationship with my siblings too has improved a lot. Had small bits of precious moments with each of them. Like, my brother showed me how to change bulb for my car indicators; and my youngest brother shared his supper meal with me and we ate together just the two of us; and a lot more. Things are a bit lighter between us. My parents are still the same, I guess I cannot do anything much about it.

    First quarter of 2025 in, a lot of things overlapped, like Raya celebrations, thesis correction deadline, training, taxes and expenses to take care of. Raya is quite a stressful season for me as it’s time to meet and visit families we rarely have seen throughout the year. I just don’t like being in a crowded area full of people who barely know me and care enough about what I do. Maybe if I had put an effort to ask people how they are, what they are up to, the visits could be more engaging. I have reduced my attendance (yup!) severely, and I still feel exhausted by the thought of it. The foods are great though. It’s just the whole thing, the Raya costume, makeups, travelling, weather, greasy and complicated food, bloated guts and indigestion, the whole pretentious things I have got to do while tagging along with my family, which really deplete my energy. It’s only once a year, so I might just suck it up and be nice. And also, the rush to finish my corrected thesis draft made it feel hard to relax, like I am in a constant anxiety to keep progressing. It is challenging to enjoy the festivities while at the same time trying to set my body and mind up to be more productive.

    My left hamstring, glutes and SI joints area are still tight and inflexible after my last injury. It bothers me a bit. Fortunately, I can still work. It is getting better but the recovery is slower than what I have expected. Mixed feelings to come back to training CrossFit again, but I guess, I will just start again next week and start small with lighter weights and intensity. Also, I have to remind myself to stretch and foam roll affected areas as frequently as I can to get back to my range of motions. So, yeah, no more competition until I am fully healed. Physically, I am feeling less fatigue as I have experienced before after I changed my diet plan. So now I know that my body needs plenty like 50% plenty more protein than what I am used to, monitor my room humidity before I sleep, seriously hydrate, coffee only once in the morning, reduce my carbohydrate intake and supplement myself with essential vitamins especially B6, C and minerals.

    Actually, now that I have processed everything, I am kind of blessed and privileged to have the life that I have now. Eventhough it’s not as beautiful as the life I have aspired to live, I am still blessed with all the freedom to act, work, spend, eat, decorate and clean my house the way that I want to. My body is already conditioned for survival from my upbringings and early life experiences. I am okay, I am safe and I am on the right track. Focus on what aligns with me despite of all the small or big turbulences that are happening around me. Be as calm as the eye of a hurricane. Be aware, but don’t react foolishly. The thesis correction is just another phase. It is going to be difficult, but I will nail it. I got this!

  • Thesis Correction: Dragging Myself for Just A Little Progress

    It has been a few days since I made small corrections/adjustments to my thesis. I finally have found the small pieces that can make my thesis made more sense which just kind of popped up in my head minutes before I dozed off for my afternoon nap. Then, I had to remind myself that I am the only one who stand between myself and my next action. Only I could save myself now. Just being reminded of this song on how valuable I am. And I listened to it a lot during my undergraduate years for studying, relaxing, whatever. I know it’s a love song, but I love how intense and passionate it is, just as how I should love and help myself.

    Today, I just had to take actions, I’ll gradually build my momentum going forward. Just do it.

    I read a few chapters on this book 1000+ Little Things Happy Successful People Do Differently. These few headlines are enough to get me going again.

    • 6 Ways to Find Gratitude When Everything Goes Wrong
      • Find gratitude around difficult people
      • Find gratitude when you catch yourself complaining
      • Find gratitude when you are overwhelmed (trick is, add the sentence “..andI love it”, after each complaint. Like, for real.)
      • Find gratitude after job loss
      • Find gratitude amid health problems
      • Find gratitude when someone you love dies
    • 10 Habits You Must Quit to be Happy
      • Quit procrastinating on your goals
      • Quit blaming others and making excuses
      • Quit trying to avoid change
      • Quit trying to control the uncontrollable
      • Quit talking down to yourself
      • Quit criticising others
      • Quit running from your problems and fears
      • Quit living in another time and place (live for here and now)

    And then, I was like, okay, I am doing it now!

    Finding this article (How to deal with post-viva PhD thesis corrections – The PhD People), too, is so validating. It addresses on why I feel the way I do now. Thank you The PhD People!

  • Agony of Thesis Correction

    So, it has been almost a month since I passed my viva. From the comments I received from the examiners, I knew it was not gonna get easier from then on. Things I struggled with were the feeling of remorse that what I had prepared so hard for was not enough, despite knowing full well that there definitely would be corrections to my thesis; as well as the discomfort of my hard work being criticised. I was already full of it – couldn’t stand to read my thesis anymore. My supervisors suggested that I digest the comments given and start making a list. I didn’t start right away, until I received the results email sent from the uni.

    Finally today, I managed to compile the list and its a 12-page document. The first corrections I made were 8 days ago. Compiling the list itself is already an emotional one, but hey, I finally got it done today. Now that the CrossFit Open is over, I can focus back on my thesis again. From the compilations, a lot of attention needs to be addressed to Chapter 1, 2 and 5. Moderate detailings on Chapter 3 and 4.

    Major topics that I might struggle with are proving the connection between TRAM and Entrepreneurial Ambidexterity as a mediator. Though I could explain and talk about them logically and sensibly, there is little evidence, though they are there and it’s an important one. I also need to revisit and read a bit on research philosophy and reorganise my details in Chapter 3. I will do my Chapter 1 last. It is the hardest one. Maybe I could find a few theses and learn how they write with continuity and consistency.

    I have done the easy editing part. Next, I gotta categorise and break down the things that I want to do based on the feedback.

    • Theoretical stance – LR references, ambidexterity as mediator – find papers that include ambidexterity with acceptance model
    • Evidence – mediation concept that supports my study, results on TAM and TRI based on previous studies
    • Paragraphing and composing – refer correction list
    • Context – methods – online or offline? find reference and justify which method or is it mixed, first order and second order; synthesise LR made and relate with my studies
    • Reread and check flow and continuity
    • Check minor errors – spelling etc, refer on jotted notes from thesis hardcopy
    • Reformatting, word count and page check
    • AI generator check, grammar check

    A lot of heavy reading here on my literature reviews. Maybe I have to write a list and page of what topic I gotta find and search here. This task is easier but I have to put on a deadline so that I won’t keep searching and reading but not doing anything for my thesis. I will start looking for them today and produce the required list until next Monday. Hopefully I would be able to write something by next week. April will be full-blown time to focus on Chapter 2. May the force be with me!

  • Today’s Check In – Struggles and Uncomfortable Feelings

    It’s 3pm at noon and a scorching hot one. Weather app says it’s 33 degree Celsius out there but feels like 39 Celsius. Feeling extra sluggish this afternoon with fasting and all. I am supposed to start with my thesis correction but still hasn’t gotten around to work on that yet. I feel that I am so unbalanced in many ways to do that. My body aches so much from teaching classes, doing CrossFit Open while fasting and my brain is just not cooperating to perform deep focused work. That, with a faucet problem that I gotta fix, hopefully later this week.

    Also, I was served with a notice asking to pay for taxes which threw off my financial balance for a bit. Good thing that I have managed to save some money, which would be enough to pay that off. Ramadan is normally when the gym in Putatan has low turnouts; therefore, less income for me. I have saved for this occasion, however, the unforeseen tax thing just blew things up. I have dealt with the tax thing, now just pray that attendance will catch up so that I can pay my instructors early next month. The stock market is also not doing great because of Trump’s policies, but I am holding on. It’s only temporary, it’s going to recover. I don’t have any more backups for the months April forward, so I’ve gotta strategise how to earn more.

    Adding to that, I have to forego an iftar invitation to celebrate with my DBA batchmates due to reasons, one of them being not wanting to splurge on meals. I would love to meet them if it’s not organised anywhere fancy and doesn’t involve our supervisors. My initial feeling of these was shame and guilt – like, how inadequate I am for struggling and not getting my stuff all lined up together. Then again, I am one of the most resilient people I know, I did it before and I can do it again. And also, I feel guilty for letting my batchmates down, but at least I have stated my reason and proposed how and when we could meet in the future. It’s boundary setting and I am just protecting myself from further damage on my finances, adding more shame, remorse, and resentment towards my batchmates who don’t have anything to do with it.

    Earlier, I joined my family for iftar at my grandma’s place. I really had a nice time (but it was way nicer when I was younger); however, I don’t fancy the feeling of guilt when I have to decline my grandma’s request for me to sleep over for the night. I would oblige last time, though doing so will inconvenience me so much – like I have to abandon my chores and preparation for work, wondering who is going to drop me home, what time will I arrive home, and things like that. Even then, after everything had settled down, my family and I arrived home at midnight. I dislike how disorganised everyone was, indulging themselves with food and mindless chatter up until late at night. I don’t know, it’s just not for me. Maybe I don’t enjoy late evening events. It could be different if it’s an afternoon event. My grandma looked great though and she definitely was happy that everyone was around to be with her. She asked about my braces of all things! Maybe trying to figure out how I was without being too intrusive.

    Today was supposed to be my off day, but I went to replace another instructor’s class this morning. I was so distracted by a member who just did her own thing and not even putting efforts into her workout. As I finished the class, I didn’t feel great or fulfilled like I normally do. And I felt like I just did a mediocre work this morning for not getting everyone engaged and all worked up. After all it was an easy low intensity class, what did I expect. Afterwards, I joined Yoga which was scheduled after my class. It was a nice stretch and rest for my already pained and tight muscles. As the class concluded, there was like a short relaxation period where we all were required to lie down and close our eyes. I was so into it that I briefly fell asleep and dreamt that I was inside a clear water and saw a red fish hovering facing towards me. I had a flashback of the beach that I went in Kunak, so calming and relaxing. I, so badly need to briefly get away from all these routines and the nonsense of other people.

    However, just to be fair, I did have a nice weekend and a good rest at home. I managed to spend time with my family and went back to visit my grandma, iftar together, ate delicious foods with the rest of the clan, and perform tarawih prayers together. I managed to do some repairs on my work pants so that I don’t have to buy new ones. I managed to dismantle and sell the double-decker bed frames that have been collecting dust in my room. I didn’t overspend and my planning for this month was on track – except when the taxes bill arrived. I also managed to repot my growing orchids and did some decluttering. I survived teaching classes and doing CrossFit Open while fasting for the second week already without much complication.

    Struggle is not shameful and is not making me an incomplete nor an unworthy person. It is a part and parcel of life and my life won’t be free of them. However, how I approach them while getting on with life matters and on how to switch my perspectives – that I don’t know everything, especially regarding on what’s gonna happen in the future. Struggle is there to make me learn, adapt and redirect my approach to resolve issues. When I am feeling shame, guilt and fear, it does not necessarily mean that I am struggling – so I gotta be aware to differentiate between uncomfortable feelings and actually being in the state of struggle. It’s when I am experiencing both, I tend to focus and amplify the struggles, giving me the feeling that I am not worthy and not good enough as who I aspire to be. So really, while the external world is so chaotic and unstable, the enemy is mostly my mind and my constant comparison on what’s ideal. I am good enough, just be with the present moment and do things, or not, one at a time. That’s it! I am going to shower and try again with the thesis correction thing.