Tag: reflection

  • Today’s Check In – Struggles and Uncomfortable Feelings

    It’s 3pm at noon and a scorching hot one. Weather app says it’s 33 degree Celsius out there but feels like 39 Celsius. Feeling extra sluggish this afternoon with fasting and all. I am supposed to start with my thesis correction but still hasn’t gotten around to work on that yet. I feel that I am so unbalanced in many ways to do that. My body aches so much from teaching classes, doing CrossFit Open while fasting and my brain is just not cooperating to perform deep focused work. That, with a faucet problem that I gotta fix, hopefully later this week.

    Also, I was served with a notice asking to pay for taxes which threw off my financial balance for a bit. Good thing that I have managed to save some money, which would be enough to pay that off. Ramadan is normally when the gym in Putatan has low turnouts; therefore, less income for me. I have saved for this occasion, however, the unforeseen tax thing just blew things up. I have dealt with the tax thing, now just pray that attendance will catch up so that I can pay my instructors early next month. The stock market is also not doing great because of Trump’s policies, but I am holding on. It’s only temporary, it’s going to recover. I don’t have any more backups for the months April forward, so I’ve gotta strategise how to earn more.

    Adding to that, I have to forego an iftar invitation to celebrate with my DBA batchmates due to reasons, one of them being not wanting to splurge on meals. I would love to meet them if it’s not organised anywhere fancy and doesn’t involve our supervisors. My initial feeling of these was shame and guilt – like, how inadequate I am for struggling and not getting my stuff all lined up together. Then again, I am one of the most resilient people I know, I did it before and I can do it again. And also, I feel guilty for letting my batchmates down, but at least I have stated my reason and proposed how and when we could meet in the future. It’s boundary setting and I am just protecting myself from further damage on my finances, adding more shame, remorse, and resentment towards my batchmates who don’t have anything to do with it.

    Earlier, I joined my family for iftar at my grandma’s place. I really had a nice time (but it was way nicer when I was younger); however, I don’t fancy the feeling of guilt when I have to decline my grandma’s request for me to sleep over for the night. I would oblige last time, though doing so will inconvenience me so much – like I have to abandon my chores and preparation for work, wondering who is going to drop me home, what time will I arrive home, and things like that. Even then, after everything had settled down, my family and I arrived home at midnight. I dislike how disorganised everyone was, indulging themselves with food and mindless chatter up until late at night. I don’t know, it’s just not for me. Maybe I don’t enjoy late evening events. It could be different if it’s an afternoon event. My grandma looked great though and she definitely was happy that everyone was around to be with her. She asked about my braces of all things! Maybe trying to figure out how I was without being too intrusive.

    Today was supposed to be my off day, but I went to replace another instructor’s class this morning. I was so distracted by a member who just did her own thing and not even putting efforts into her workout. As I finished the class, I didn’t feel great or fulfilled like I normally do. And I felt like I just did a mediocre work this morning for not getting everyone engaged and all worked up. After all it was an easy low intensity class, what did I expect. Afterwards, I joined Yoga which was scheduled after my class. It was a nice stretch and rest for my already pained and tight muscles. As the class concluded, there was like a short relaxation period where we all were required to lie down and close our eyes. I was so into it that I briefly fell asleep and dreamt that I was inside a clear water and saw a red fish hovering facing towards me. I had a flashback of the beach that I went in Kunak, so calming and relaxing. I, so badly need to briefly get away from all these routines and the nonsense of other people.

    However, just to be fair, I did have a nice weekend and a good rest at home. I managed to spend time with my family and went back to visit my grandma, iftar together, ate delicious foods with the rest of the clan, and perform tarawih prayers together. I managed to do some repairs on my work pants so that I don’t have to buy new ones. I managed to dismantle and sell the double-decker bed frames that have been collecting dust in my room. I didn’t overspend and my planning for this month was on track – except when the taxes bill arrived. I also managed to repot my growing orchids and did some decluttering. I survived teaching classes and doing CrossFit Open while fasting for the second week already without much complication.

    Struggle is not shameful and is not making me an incomplete nor an unworthy person. It is a part and parcel of life and my life won’t be free of them. However, how I approach them while getting on with life matters and on how to switch my perspectives – that I don’t know everything, especially regarding on what’s gonna happen in the future. Struggle is there to make me learn, adapt and redirect my approach to resolve issues. When I am feeling shame, guilt and fear, it does not necessarily mean that I am struggling – so I gotta be aware to differentiate between uncomfortable feelings and actually being in the state of struggle. It’s when I am experiencing both, I tend to focus and amplify the struggles, giving me the feeling that I am not worthy and not good enough as who I aspire to be. So really, while the external world is so chaotic and unstable, the enemy is mostly my mind and my constant comparison on what’s ideal. I am good enough, just be with the present moment and do things, or not, one at a time. That’s it! I am going to shower and try again with the thesis correction thing.

  • I Passed My Viva Voce!

    I have been meaning to write about this on the day itself, but I was a bit disoriented and emotional that day. Despite of massive congratulations I received from everyone, I didn’t feel a lot, like excitement or something. People asked how I felt, I said, “Not a lot actually. I am still figuring out what it means.” I know right, despite of all the struggles I endured, it felt the same, and it concerns me a bit. Should I see a therapist now? Anyways, that aside, I did feel truly happy and relieved. It’s just that I still have a lot of work to do. So here’s the account of what happened on the day I passed my viva voce – 24th February 2025, like finally!!!

    My viva day, was exactly like I had planned out to be. I prepared my outfit that would make me feel my best, played on a song that would set my spirit up for it – check the song Bad Boy by Megisto out! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EYZ9IjgVnxc). Looked my best that I felt confident with (wasn’t happy with the shoes that I borrowed, but all my shoes are all broken. Minor thing, that’s okay). My nerves were like crazy as I had difficulties to sleep days prior. I told myself, “I am gonna be okay and that I have prepared for this for a long time, I know my work, I did my best – the rest is up to Allah. I am not the smartest person in the world, and it’s okay if I do not get what I had expected.” My mindset that time, is to give my best to explain my research, educate and give clear information of what I did; rather than defending anything. I guess I had the confidence I needed because I prepared well, and everything was in line. Like I read my thesis again back-to-back; aligned my presentation with the story on my thesis, practised my timing and focus on what to explain on a given slide, how much time to spend, made the adjustments needed as suggested by my supervisors.

    I arrived 30 minutes early from my viva presentation slot scheduled time, met my supervisor and she’s like, “Cantiknya Nurul!” I smiled at her and settled myself with all the technical preparation for my online presentation. Good thing I learnt from therapists on how to ease my anxieties so I just did the breathing technique taught and told myself it’s going to be okay. I looked good on the camera, I screenshot it but caught by everyone looking on the big screen and I was so self-conscious about it and didn’t manage to save it! Anyways, my viva went no longer than 2 hours, just about 1 and half maybe?

    My viva voce setup with panels and my supervisors

    Before my presentation, we, my supervisors and I were asked to leave the presentation room first for panel meeting. When we were called in, I straight away presented when we were all ready. My presentation on my screen was 17 minutes but the chairperson noted that it was 15 minutes. The examiners did not ask much on the presentation and we quickly proceeded to my thesis where we went through and discuss the chapters one by one. I liked how the examiners pointed out the details on my thesis, they were both very considerate and constructive with their remarks. Everyone present said I was lucky because I had good and thorough examiners. I was just being myself, and focused on enlightening the examiners, rather than defending my stuffs when asked questions. I admitted where I did wrong and when I didn’t know my stuffs. Looking at the expressions of my supervisors they were all like worried when an examiner pointed out a mistake. I was just taking notes and looking at them as a point to consider to improve my thesis. As we ended, my supervisors and I were asked to wait outside to give room for second panel meeting to discuss on my results.

    When we were called in, the chairperson gave her remarks, on how the moment was the moment every student has waited for. The examiners gave their results – that I passed with major correction. I could see my supervisors were so thrilled and did a small clap. I, on the other hand, was already assuming that I for sure gonna get a pass. I was thrilled, but probably less thrilled than everyone in the room. According to them, the major correction doesn’t matter anyway as they thought I needed more time to rewrite my thesis which I do. Thank you very much to examiners! The chairperson then called for everyone to say something on the results. My supervisors turn first, I couldn’t remember what they had said. Then it’s my turn. I thought, I owe this for myself and all the hardships flashed back to me. My speech went more or less like this. “First and foremost, I would like to thank for the examiners for the results. I would like to use this moment to acknowledge on my efforts on how hard I worked for this research.” I paused and tears welled up. Then I continued, “So, I want to thank myself for holding on. And of course, it is not just me making this possible, my supervisors, everyone in the postgraduate administration team for making sure I pay my dues as a student and so many more.” That’s all I could think of that time. The chairperson concluded the meeting with saying things like to stay humble, and acknowledge other people’s effort and stuff. When I first heard of her speech, it’s like she’s judging me and I was like, maybe she has never met someone who considers and values self as much as I do, and claim it out loud. I just let that go. Before we adjourned, I hugged my supervisors and thanked them. My main supervisors said she fasted that day to ask Allah for blessings for me. My supervisors are angels.

    As I stepped out of that room, everyone congratulated me, and we chitchatted for a bit. The panels remarked that I was very good at presentation and suggested I could be the right candidate to be a lecturer there. I politely declined, however, I am open for a research or part-time lecturing jobs. Everyone was so pleased in the end. As I got into my car, the happiness and feeling of relief is indescribable. The first person I wanted to break the news to was him (yes, you!); after all I’ve been through, you are still among my favourite persons to talk to. Then, I texted my mom to break the news. She has done a lot for me. Anyways, I spent a few minutes basking in the feeling and thought what I wanted to treat myself for a bit to celebrate. I thought, maybe I could celebrate with a couple of donuts and iced coffee, have lunch by the beach. I proceeded with the donuts and coffee, didn’t do the beach part as it was scorching hot. I really felt that I emerged as a different person as I stepped out of the room!

    Group photo with panels sans examiners and with my supervisors
    Supervisors and I, thank you so much!
    Postgraduate administration officer, she had helped me a lot and gave so much encouragement throughout!
    Minutes after I passed viva voce!
    Celebration!
    The unfortunate shoe I wore during viva, not sure it’s mom’s or my sister’s. Sorry didn’t know the heels had rotten and they broke scattered into pieces as I wore them during viva!

    I find it hard to go back to my routine life, somewhat it felt like, why am I still doing this, then I remembered the chairperson remarks on staying humble. I guess she did have a point there and actually wasn’t there to criticise my personality. I did feel empty a few hours later. I went home to meet my family and they were all like the usual gloomy vibe, and I was like, I gotta get out of here! Probably it’s Monday’s blues for everyone and my niece started to ask weird questions towards me. I spent a few hours there talking with my niece and nephew. It was so weird but I just let it go.

    The feelings after my viva. I definitely felt happy, excited and thrilled, but these feelings – sadness, loss, disoriented; they were all there and felt too. I did a quick search if anyone else felt the same. So relieved to find this thread (End of my PhD and I cannot feel relieved : r/AskAcademia) and that I am not alone.

    I am now yet to redefine my existence. What does this degree mean to me? How would I utilise all of these, reconfigure my life towards my goals? I think this is it. Finally the death of the old depressed, directionless version of me. I have shed my old skin. With greater power, comes greater responsibility. Things are going to get more exciting and expansive after this. So I have to declutter and prepare myself for what’s to come. That starts with my home and let go of the responsibilities that are not aligned with my goals. Doing a Doctorate degree and completing one is one hell of a journey. Thank you so much to everyone who has and had been with me throughout the journey; whether you are directly or indirectly involved, doesn’t matter, you all do count. Here is to the new chapter of my life!

  • Last Preparation for Viva

    My presentation slides are done, I considered previous feedbacks and kind of just wing it for my mock presentation today. My supervisors don’t know who are going to be my examiners so we tried to be as prepared as we could.

    At first go, my presentation was 30 minutes which was so over the top from 20 minutes time cap. I thought I had plenty of time. Each three of us has our own concerns and on what to be prepared, what to do and what not to do. I was at first annoyed at my supervisor, I don’t know maybe she already was busy or concerned about something that I felt some of her suggestions were unnecessary and out of line. I respectfully counter (maybe next I would thank her first, not only her, but anyone for offering feedback) and defended why I did certain things and why some stuffs are necessary, and stated what kind of suggestions that would be helpful for me. But yeah, these happen a lot between us, but eventually we all settled down and things worked out between us. I like that my supervisors and myself can be truthful to one another without judgement, and that they gave me the freedom to stick to my style but with necessary adjustments.

    After I finished my presentation, we hanged for a bit chitchat and they started to ask how I was, how’s my work and all. I just told them straight how exhausted I am and my nervous system starts to get dysregulated again. But I guess they didn’t understand how dire it was for me. Nevermind, at least they were concerned enough to ask. My supervisors were so kind and supportive as how a lecturer would normally would be.

    One of them expressed her observation that I am happy with my job. Happy, maybe, contentment no. I feel like I have not actualised what I have to offer the world and for myself. I have not reached my full potential yet. I guess that’s what my dad is feeling about me as well. Most times, he’s not belittling me nor looking at me as an incompetent person. He just sees so much potential in me. Maybe he’s upset that I keep wasting them away. Maybe he wasn’t controlling me back then, he just wanted to steer me towards the direction that he felt a much safer route. I will reach my full potential, as that’s my aspiration as well, but this time, on my own terms. So yeah, don’t you worry Dad!

    Back to viva, there are still plenty of things to do. Redo some sections of the slides, make it looks more professional, find a little bit of evidence, and practice my timing. I am just so mentally exhausted after this morning’s session. I am going to have lunch, have my nap and set my new course of actions. Thankful for today’s time with my supervisors. May Allah ease my next journey.

  • Sisu

    Just finished watching this movie minutes ago while waiting for my laundry to finish. Now my laundry has 7 minutes to go, so while still fresh in my mind, I want to write the experience I had and felt watching this movie. I was struck with a moment of coolness when Aatami just stroke a knife punctured an enemy’s skull dead straight from one side to another side! Like it’s so violent but the precision, strength and his strategies to fight and survive got me hooked.

    First and foremost, anything Nazi history movie would naturally catch my attention and Finnish men are so good looking and well built. The costumes and setups are top notch. I have a thing with Nazi uniform they are so stylish. I remember I have read somewhere that Coco Chanel and/or Hugo Boss had designed some of those.

    I mean look at these, everyone was talking about the leather jacket.

    Aatami’s wasn’t so bad either. But not much close up photos. In motion, these costumes look really cool and complement their stoic expressions and possibly enhances their look of aggressiveness and brawn in the movie.

    Secondly, the grit and resilience of the main character, Aatami, is so admirable and he barely spoken a sentence throughout except a couple of lines at the end of the movie. His courage and the will to live is just mind blowing. So I had to Google what Sisu means.

    So yeah, definitely my theme. Seeing the main character’s courage and undertook his enemies on his own, and on an occasion, by a group of ladies is so refreshing. I watched the movie till it finishes with a renewed sense of courage to face my days. Actually, I learn so much about myself and my family today. Which I will write about soon.

    Definitely a movie worth watching and I’m glad I picked this one out of the rest. One hour and a half well spent!

  • What’s My Issue? New Year Check

    I was having a temporary misalignment last night. I have been containing my suffering from feeling burnout mentally and physically this month. I am grateful that I have people to talk to about my problems especially working as a fitness professional. Essentially, anything big or small that triggers or inconveniences me made it felt like a huge deal. Some of the things that trigger me these days are when I come upon any writing on something that made me question my decision that is against my will, but is the right thing to do. I don’t want to minimise my feelings, just at time, I am double-checking the root cause of why I am feeling off in a moment (emotion = energy in motion).

    About a few weeks ago, I have been trying to rest like really have quality rest to recover my body and my mind afresh. Managed to do that, despite of that, however, I still managed to have that off feeling. Upon reflecting and after doing some reading, I was actually facing emotional void. For the first time I could actually relate to and like meet it face to face, and recognising that this is it. I have read about it years ago when I had that cloudy and overwhelmed feelings – but these I thought are the results of my burnouts and nervous system dysregulation as I was consistently on the go and being in survival mode. Now that I have got it sorted, almost, it’s the void that I have to deal with now. It is confusing and an uncharted territory to me to feel this void – I kept going outwards to give my attention to – to keep me busy, from what I am going to reveal next.

    It occurs to me today, after some reflection, I was like, why am I still getting myself bothered on other people’s business that has nothing to do with me? So, I was intentionally not making myself a victim like thinking about why certain people could not change, of how people don’t appreciate me enough, on how certain people need to fix themselves. Instead, I switch the focus on myself – what is it about me that care so much about what other people are doing, that has nothing to do with me and out of my control? This is not foreign to me, but it just shows I am not used to and comfortable with fixing my own problems. It is easier to look at other people’s flaws and insecurities and try to ‘help’ and ‘fix’ them, than doing that for myself. Again, whenever I am feeling vulnerable, I look outwards rather than inwards to regulate my feelings and emotions. When I don’t get anything externally, I am feeling sad and frustrated.

    It is so apparent that I am that ‘fixer’ and that is why, combined with my hypersensitivity, I am very good at listening and help people where they need it the most. Like I can really read them well and come up with SWOT analysis mentally in my head. At first, I didn’t identify myself as having this character. The more I think of my dynamics with other people that I relate with on day-to-day basis, the more apparent that I might relate with people by unconsciously trying to fix them as well. Like, the thing with my sister, my family, my role as a trainer, software engineer (like hello, we do problem-solving and fixing as a living) and troublesome men. On the good side, it is needed to help those who are lost and need some perspectives to solve their problems; and great for nurturing careers. And this strengthens my choice on focusing on becoming a consultant! On the other hand, doing that excessively, is kind of disrespectful on limiting other people’s ability and learning processes to be accountable and responsible for themselves and their actions. Just that I need to practice and set my boundaries of what to care on and what is not my business.

    Now, I have all the time in the world for me, it’s my time, and I have my own issues and challenges that I have got to face. The month of January is really hectic and I have not done yet with writing my plans for the next 3 years (I have got to, time is running out.). Probably, this is also the reason I am feeling like I am not going anywhere – still lack of focus and direction. The other day, I dreamt that my mom told me I have a baby daughter which I didn’t get to meet in that dream (and probably out of wedlock cause my mom was horrified when I broke the news out of excitement to my grandmother, too funny!). As I searched on the internet on what my subconscious was trying to tell me, it could be that I am beginning to grow as a new person and that what I have been building is slowly coming into fruition. My gut is telling me that I am on the right track. My vision is clear. The things to work on now are mostly on finishing what I have started, removing distractions, making my days more efficient and to stay disciplined and healthy for years to come.

  • Imago Relationship Theory

    I spent the past few days to rest and do nothing (despite of deadlines of my studies tasks but I know I could get it done real fast when I’m more regulated). Just started to feel the panic attack symptoms again. Good thing though I am more prepared this time to not focus so much on it and calm myself down. I finished 2 books and 1 that really create more awareness in me on how I relate with people. The book is an old-school relationship therapy one, Getting the Love You Want by Dr Harville Hendrix and his wife Dr Helen Hunt. So many have recommended on the book, I just finally managed to get and read it.

    It started with how childhood upbringing affects how we react or relate to others – this one is not so foreign to me as it’s gaining more popularity now. First, I was mostly affected by a mythical story on how a character (I forgot the name) who has 4 limbs (arms/legs) as a whole creature was split into two and thrown into earth. Then, it spent its life looking for its other half. The author described a good analogy on how an individual who was whole when he or she was born, but slowly losing wholeness due to events that represses the other half of an individual that touched around taboo issues, socialisation to be accepted in a community or a group that do not accept a person’s authentic individuality. The repressed or lost self then is the other half that we all keep searching for – mostly in a form of another person that we keep mistaken as ‘soul mate’, because essentially our soul that we are born with are lost and we want to be healed and be whole again. Using the story of mythical creature made me see and understand all clear and vivid on why I unconsciously am attracted to only a certain type of people.

    The Imago Relationship Theory talks about the phenomenon that we normally unconsciously pick a partner that closely resembles our parents – with all their good and bad traits. When we are mistreated by a partner, our pain caused by bad memories with our parents is activated and the body sends distressed feelings for fear of safety or death. That is why it feels so painful when I sense mistreatment from someone closest to me. I knew that I really need to dissect what really has happened and went on with me in my childhood. I used to think that I had an awesome one because I had plenty of time to play and were always surrounded with my cousins. I think what really screwed our upbringing stability, my siblings and I, was that mom had to go abroad to study and left us for a few years being taken care of by our maid and grandparents. And then after she got home, we moved to a new place which was much less nicer than our previous home (I think my parents were mostly stressed out during these times, economic bubbles and crash; while taking care of 6 growing children who need more resources and attention for school and education, teenage rebellious hormones etc), and I was sent to boarding school. I had many lovely memories with my parents, they really are not bad at all at parenting and providing – as they are also humans struggling with their own issues, a few crucial things were overlooked. Just to be more aware on my wound and triggers (by no mean I am being disrespectful, hurtful or petty towards my parents, I am so grateful that they have raised me so well), I am listing down what I liked and what I disliked about my parents and my childhood.

    Like list:

    • I like that my dad spent time to play with all of us – some incidents that I remember, he built a makeshift tent at our lawn, made paper kites for us to play on windy days, took us out to the beach on weekends, taught us to catch small fish from the stream
    • Dad is a nostalgic person – he recorded each of our memories going out, our achievements at school etc
    • He bought a bike and sent me to school every morning when I was 7
    • He cared about nurturing my intelligence and academic talents – he made wooden blackboard and dedicated to teach me maths in the evening whenever he could
    • He was really open and didn’t really shove gender roles expectations towards me, like pressuring me to be all demure and nice. I never had those dolls or other girly toys when I was a kid – not that I remember of. He gave me books, piggy banks, the ‘H’ building block sets that I really loved. He just let me play with my boy cousins doing whatever around his parents’ house whenever we had gatherings.
    • He is meticulous on cleanliness, his environment or who he associates with
    • He overall is a great provider financially
    • About mom, she is the nicer parent in my eyes
    • She acknowledged my presence and responded whenever I needed her
    • I thought she was the most gentle and beautiful woman in my eyes when I was a kid (well, mom is pretty and still look youthful for her age)
    • She collected stamps from all over the world when she was abroad cause she knew I loved collecting stamps (but the collection was ruined cause my brother threw it into swamp in one of our disagreements)
    • She rarely declines my requests or need for help
    • One of the memories that I would never forget is when one afternoon we were in my parents’ room and she scribbled a picture of me with pencil on paper.
    • She appreciates beautiful things and loves pampering me with girly beautiful stuffs like clothes, shoes, bags whatever.
    • She is creative with so many hobbies and crafts

    Dislike list:

    • Dad can be self-centered and insensitive to my feelings
    • He often dismissed what I had to say when trying to join in his conversation which left me feeling stupid and not making sense or feeling like I don’t have conversational skills
    • He does not know how to treat me like a daughter, does not show love, respect nor appreciation of my individuality
    • He often changes his mind on something making me feel confused at times
    • Fragile ego
    • Angry, lashed out on others, hypervigilant and short-fused – later acted normal as if he did not do anything outrageous that hurt us
    • Think he is the only one who is right
    • Mom doesn’t deal with things or difficult issues – rather let things solve itself (or other people jumping in to help)
    • She represses her authentic self – very different person at home, with friends and with her family
    • She does not really fight for what she wants and needs
    • She is not consistent – easily swayed by the mass or external circumstances
    • She does not see herself as a person capable of agency, often does not know what she wants and relies on others to influence her actions or decisions
    • She is chronically stressed and hides it
    • She can be disorganised
    • She can be petty and manipulative
    • She just hides herself as a person behind her role as a mother, wife, daughter, sister or whatever role she acknowledges herself as.
    • She can be overly critical of me and on how I do things
    • She can be persistent and tactical to get what she wants. Sometimes I don’t know her acting like a helpless person is because she really feels helpless or just an act to get us involved

    Often when I was little, I got frustrated with my parents and wanted to run away either to my mom’s parents house or my dad’s sister house who lives nearby with her family. I don’t recall my dad being close to his siblings due to him himself, often was away from his childhood home, except with one or two elder sisters. I think I have to add 4 more guardians that forms my childhood experience as well which 3 of them have passed away.

    • My aunt, who had worked in a bank that time. I view her as a smart career woman. She was chatty, funny and outgoing. We maintained relationship until the time she passed away this year.
    • Her husband, very nice man so different than my dad. He was lively, expressive and put his heart on his sleeves. I totally felt love and joy interacting with him as a kid. He loved us girls but could be critical to his sons.
    • My mom’s mother – she is the ultimate housewife and caregiver, model eldest daughter. Very disciplined and organised with chores and also has a lot of hobbies and skills. She is a very talented woman. She loves to cook us food but can be a bit dictatorial with us when we girls are not doing our functions as a lady, who cooks and serves men food and drinks – all the traditional role of a woman as nurturer and childbearer. I remember when I stayed with my grandparents, I had joined her everyday to the mosque for Maghrib prayers; went for all the weddings, gatherings whatever functions in the village. I spent a lot of time alongside her when I was not at school as I was the good helpful obedient smart first granddaughter. I learnt about how to earn money from her. She could be a bit prideful, as I remembered she scolded me when a teacher lent me a clothing item for a performance, saying to return it back and that we can afford to buy those for ourselves. I didn’t understand her sentiment that time but I felt that my grandmother has endured so much to become that way. Nonetheless, I often feel her love and warmth whenever I visited her.
    • My mom’s father – a retired teacher; he was a popular, artsy and charming man. Literally everyone who is a retired teacher or in their 50s and above in Sabah knows him or had been his student. He was a good storyteller and often so interested in what happened around him. I love that he was so fun to be around with and easy to talk to. His life was simple, tend to his farm in the morning till afternoon, home by lunch hour to eat and nap, out again and be back by dusk for prayers. He taught us on how to read the Quran when I was little. He was very comfortable being around us and his daughters, often teasing us; but sometimes I didn’t appreciate when he compared me with my mom cause my mom, according to him, was the most beautiful girl in the village before she got married. I didn’t really understand his character but he was fun to be with and often were up for some adventures for us kids. As I got older into adulthood, I feel that he became a bit critical of me for not leading a traditional life, not being married at a certain age and do not have a stable career (like working 9-5 or in government sectors). Both him and my grandmother had this scarcity mindset when it comes to money – probably because they have to raise 9 children together that time.

    I do not know yet what can I do with these information as I have not yet finished reading the book. At least I am aware what my triggers are now. As I reflected on my teenager and undergraduate student phase, I felt so odd and outcast, normally hid myself towards what I am good at – getting good grades. I remember feeling so much shame and guilt for not studying on a movie night at school that I skipped movie and decided to study. The thought in my head was, my mom deceived the scholarship provider by altering my guardian details, I didn’t deserve the scholarship and I must do well in studies so that I will not abuse the taxpayer’s money to fund my studies. This was when I was 14 years old. I was so angsty and rebellious during this phase – hormonal and not understanding myself and upset that people did not understand me. I think the school had aggravated my already self-conscious overwhelmed with unworthiness self a lot more. I found solace with a small group of friends in marching band and a teacher who had helped me a lot at school. I wasn’t at peace. In addition to the stressors of blending in with students with competitive and high performing mindset, I was deceived to sacrifice my appreciation of my beauty (my aunt told me it’s mandatory to cover my hair, when that was not the truth). I know this might sound funny and trivial, but I was not happy looking like an aunt who didn’t know how to style her hijab that time.

    Looking back, I think I should not punish my parents harshly for what happened to me. They pretty much accepted my anger, fashion sense and all. They provided me the best they could and still does when I need it. They just don’t know how to connect to my soul on a deeper level – like acknowledge my struggles, actually putting in more effort to show support in everything I do – not only on those that they agree with, being less critical of my choices, not putting so much pressure towards me to earn high income and respectable society status; as what they had projected towards my siblings. Among contributing factors are the boarding school system which is supposed to be the best and elite in the country, immature adults, distorted religious beliefs, temporary neglect when my parents were in tough times that I have dealt with that had scarred and changed the way I was. No one was present to be with me and teach me how to deal with my vulnerabilities facing my challenges and struggles. I was left with myself to make sense of things and learn how to survive – at least this is how I see my story. Probably in many years to come, I might see it differently, hopefully for the better.

  • Good to Great by Jim Collins

    Finally finished the book after reading for more than 3 months. I am a bit agitated today trying to solve the kitchen drain problem to no avail. I decided to let it go and try again another day. Aimed to finish reading the book, at least I did something value-adding activities and just cross one of the pending stuffs today. Anyways, drain problem aside, my day is kind of productive in food-prep department so I am not worried if I am going to be malnourished for the next few weeks.

    Back to the book, it is about strategies or roadmap on how companies could be good from great. It has exhaustive illustrative examples on companies that succeeded and failed – very balanced and practical analysis, in my opinion. To sum up, to become good, there are 5 components that need to be present:

    • Level 5 leadership – leaders who are humble, visionary and authentic, realistic, brave to face harsh truth but remain faithful to goals.
    • Have the right people on the bus and discard the wrong people
    • Hedgehog concept – what we are good at, what we can be the best at, what are our economic engine (very nuanced and interesting concept)
    • Discipline culture – having disciplined people on the bus reduce the need to micromanage and can focus on strategies (again relate back with second point)
    • Technology as enabler (expand operation, simplify processes, increases productivity and profit)

    To build a great company, following the roadmap is not enough. The company must consistently build up what they are doing good at, that propels them towards their goals. The book introduces ‘Flywheel’ concept. That each momentum of buildup has to be iterated consistently like a pendulum, or a flywheel. Key thing is, there has to be momentum to keep improving, perfecting and progressing. Great companies don’t suddenly transform via flashy gimmicks or outrageous strategy overnight. It takes years of continuous improvement to arrive at where they are. As the book depicts, imagine an egg incubating before it hatches. People only notice when the egg cracks. No one can see the whole growing process within the egg during incubation. That concept appeals so much to me.

    Having read the book made me briefly think of what I am doing now. Do I want to make my fitness career or my IT consultancy thrive? How am I going to do both side by side? I must think hard and ask myself what I really need right now to get where I want to be. Fitness is all fun and great, but for now I don’t see stability and much growth in it for me; but it’s great to build a healthier community. Consultancy needs crazy networks and resources to even start up. I really want to do both but slowly adding more focus on consultancy. I know how to do both, I just need people and reflect back on the Hedgehog concept. What’s next, I got to create structure on the fitness side, simplify processes and redefine what are my goals for it to become a great enterprise to build what it has been doing; for consultancy, I am going to research my products and offerings for easy kickstart.

  • Mid December Dumps

    Typical stay-in on Sunday. Initially wanted to go out to my parents after I’m done with my chores today, I decided not to because I didn’t feel like going out anymore. What has been up? For the past few weeks, I was just trying to reconfigure my life again so that I am not all over the place. Life is still overwhelming as usual, but I guess I am feeling happier – apprehensive for what’s to come next year; and most of the difficult stuffs that I struggled with had all been done and dusted. Mixed feelings and experiences, I don’t have to write it down in a structured way – though I criticise myself a bit for still wanting to be organised, even with writing this simple post; I guess I have to accept that this is just the way I am. So, let’s just keep it structured.

    What’s great:

    • Paid my viva voce fees
    • Had a nice evening yesterday at Christmas carolling with the ladies that I teach at the gym
    • My body composition is going more towards my goals – gained loads muscles and lose body fat. I think my nutrition strategy worked. Will test again for the next few months.
    • My body is adjusting to my more intense training and physical activities now – and I kind of have a routine to reset and recover so that my body remains resilient
    • Broke my 2k income target for the 2nd month
    • Spent more time with my family; however, haven’t seen my grandma and other relatives for months
    • I stood up for myself and that felt great
    • My relationships with the people I meet from my fitness circle are getting better
    • Organised and clean my house today, all the stuff I want to do all done

    What’s not great:

    • Pending 1 more assignment which is already due
    • Still have viva voce to face, create my presentation slides and practice. After all the troubles to get this far, it still is so overwhelming – I just don’t want to deal with this at the moment
    • Just feeling anxious to face the week – it’s gonna be a busy one and I’m not ready to get busy
    • I am feeling not fully recharged and ready yet to face the week – mainly because I haven’t finished my assignment and presentation slides that I want to get done by this week
    • Despite of my life getting much simpler and slower, I am still feeling overwhelmed.
    • I have yet to write my 2025 plan and review my 2024 progress
    • Again, yes, so much things to do, but little time and energy to do them all
    • And so much stuffs to buy but not enough cash for now to get them

    I was thinking about who am I right now – how far have I grown. This was triggered as I watched a socks brand advertisement punishing people they label as ‘Normies’ and approving people with outrageous aesthetics. Normal people are not necessarily bland, every individual is unique and has own quirks. I so disagreed with the ads, and it really irritated me for being so judgmental. Then I asked myself, have I become a boring person as I don’t fancy being weird and upbeat anymore (like, serious questions). My conclusion on this now, there are 2 types of people, traditional and weird people. I’d like to think that I am more into the traditional type, then again, I definitely am not a boring person. I just prefer more structure and stability, rather than drama and uncertainty. I am extremely creative, still open to learning new things, new experiences and some adventure.

    I thought about what’s my goal for next year. My main objective is definitely on creating stability. I think for my development plan for next year is developing strategies on how to transition my life from surviving towards growth, improving my life standards for a bit. Like the food I eat, which area of my life should I prioritise, making my house more homely and comfortable, investment and saving goals, my wardrobe, my appearance. I feel like I am ready to be that Nurul who enjoys life, going out and about; and always dress well again. I can’t imagine how I got the time to apply make up on all the time even just for going to class last time. I want to wear nice clothes and shoes; and hanging out with my friends again. I am letting go that survival phase Nurul that I have to pull through to get by. Thank you for that version of me for hanging on. It’s time to move forward and thrive. I believe in you (myself!).

  • Sudden Wave of Grief

    Today, it hits hard. Like a 3-storey wave hits the shore. That’s okay, just like waves, this feeling will come and go. I have been sick and am dealing with insecurities and losses at the moment, and it just doesn’t help that I have been having odd dreams and just some reminders of him now and then after a long while. I looked for answers why it’s so hard to detach. What does it says about me? What does the losing of the relationship subconsciously symbolise? My best guess is stability and probably happiness. But more of stability. Maybe if I work hard to achieve that I would be slightly better.

    Life has been really testing lately but also I have good people around me, so that helps a lot. The usual ups and downs. I really am growing and moving forward now, so it’s up to me to get myself ready and rise to the occasion. That aside, I seriously want to process this grief I am feeling today. I was checking my thesis draft just now, and just chilling listening to a really catchy cheerful happy love song, and surprise, my heart twitched and felt hard, just as a flash of him coming to my mind. My face warmed up and I cried. These few days I really went hard to stay focused and only listened to black metal songs. When I decided to take it easy, this happened. Funny thing is I play that cheerful song all the time at the gym. It’s when I need to hang on and I feel like I’m about to hit rock bottom, I would be reminded of him a lot. Instead of rationalising, today, I decided to feel and surrender. Probably it will always be a part of me, and the feelings won’t probably go away. Like how my anxiety and neuroticism will always be a part of me. Once I acknowledge that, I will be able to manage my emotions better.

    It is okay. I am human with deep feelings. At least I don’t run away anymore. Everything is going to turn out just fine. Feel all the feels and let them free.

  • Mid-November Things

    This month so many things to deal with. I feel like I pretty much autopilot things one at a time. And a lot of things to prepare, like I start to think on my transition as a consultant after I graduated from my studies. Yes, it is beginning to get so real! I am so excited and looking forward to hand in my completed thesis. Just 2 more easy assignments need to hand in as soon as I can.

    I have been not well these few days due to late rests at night and the weather is just crazy. Just that this month, I have been receiving new customers at the gym and people querying about personal training. I am just observing the trend, not concluding anything yet. And I am feeling anxious a bit because I am handling quite a number of new people at the moment. As a coach, I learn new things for myself as well, like reminding myself as my role to guide, not to force people when making choices for themselves; and secondly, to not project my limitations onto others. Like, I have energy and sensitivity limitations – and it’s different from others especially those younger than me. So I must also consider that when making recommendations. Dealing with people is tiring but manageable for me right now.

    Largely, I want to grow, but I am feeling insecure right now with a lot of things. But I guess, no one is perfect. As long as I’m doing my best, that’s good enough. Handling a gym on my own requires so much energy and when I fall sick, I just teach and show up with reluctance – luckily not resentment towards others, knowing full well that I should stay in and recover. I want to do so much for people and that stresses me out so much more.

    My finance is slowly recovering this month, I managed to pay some debts and my bills and still have enough for the next 2 weeks for my next pay. Unexpectedly yesterday I received red letter, the notice to cut supply if I don’t settle my outstanding amount. It’s not much but now I know that my bills need to get cleared monthly. Very well noted. I just paid without hesitation and left with a few bucks to survive on. It’s OK, I am still learning. I will get better at this.

    What I need to do is to sit down, and review and update my list. Now it’s all over my head, I don’t have facts of everything. Still I gotta focus and prioritise. What’s happening now, is I begin to grow, and I need to be more efficient as I am handling more tasks at the moment. I need to sort out my finances record so that I can see where I can limit and where spending should grow.

    This weekend is all about reflection, recovery and preparation. Yesterday, I really had a nice time going out for movies with the ladies from gym and their kids. It’s so heartwarming when one of the ladies who invited us said that we are all part of her family. We watched a Christmas movie, Red One, it was very nice and entertaining, though I feel it’s really not for teenagers viewers, but whatever. I was naturally drawn to the main character (cause it’s Chris Evans) – adventurous laid back but genius dude, anddd unavailable man as well. Funny it got me thinking, why am I attracted to these guys a lot. Those I have met so far just like ones and zeros – ranging from too normal, predictable, keen and too flighty, flaky, directionless. Should I resort to normal boring men, no freaking way, I would not be able to live with myself that way. That’s okay, I have not meet my person yet. Just don’t settle okay. Anyways, towards the end of the movie, it shows that behind every prick, there’s an unhealed child inside them (Chris Evans character as a small boy shown talking to his kid in that movie). It was a touching moment, and I caught the lady next to me wiped her tears. I don’t know if she’s reminded of her youth, or her son. When I reflect back onto myself, I picture myself as a small little girl who is alone at a yard doing her own thing after school, building makeshift stuffs out of wood, sand and soil and sticks minding her own business on her own. I want to know this girl. I think I haven’t healed her. Thinking of this makes me feel sad, but that’s okay, I’m going to deal with it.

    So yeah, gutted that I’m sick, while having to figure out tricky people handling stuff is exhausting. I got to hang on for a few more months and focus on one thing at a time. I don’t know if I could actualise the life that I want in this lifetime, but I will keep trying till my last breath. That’s the promise I make to myself. So yeah, focus on one thing at a time.