Virtually Nurul – { Research | Fitness | Designs } by Nurul

Category: Whatevs

  • Family Values and Spiritual Dilemma

    I just want to write this out on something that I still don’t know how to deal with. I really am happy with my life, though it’s not quite can be sustainable for the long run – I positively believe I could thrive if I just stay on my track and be consistent. However, this current version of me, is not the version of myself that my family know of. I don’t know what happened to my family – they are so enmeshed and can’t see that it’s really not helping in personal growth of their own. I don’t care if that’s what they want for themselves; you, do you – certainly, those really are not my values. I sensed that my family noticed the growing gap between us, thus, trying to pull myself back in – sometimes forcefully.

    I am triggered when I have been asked to perform umrah with my family members, like, for more than three times already despite of me declining to go. I mean, it’s a good thing – but I am not spiritually there yet. Maybe I am scared that my family would want me to change myself again to be more like them. My family has never been respectful of one’s individuality. I honestly really hate them for this. Maybe I am scared too that some things in my life have to change after. I know how manipulative my mother can be. It still upsets me when I think of what she did and the rest of the family that caused me to lose my identity and myself growing up. I never knew a different version of myself except to be an obedient and subservient daughter, granddaughter and sister. I really don’t want to be that person again.

    Anyways, I just agreed to them that I would go. Probably there would be something good that would come out of it. I have never been to Saudi too. I don’t have the whole picture yet on how it is going to turn out for me. See how our dynamics are, if they want to push me around again like they used to – I gotta straighten them up. My best strategy now, is to leave everything up to Allah – Allah knows what’s in my heart and what’s best for me. Trust that everything will be okay and that I can block and handle my family’s manipulation. Allah will protect me as always.

  • Oct Check-In!

    It’s first day working after long break – thanks for long weekend! I am so burnt out. How did I know? I spent 2 whole days sleeping and relaxing, but I still feel so tired and lazy; like total dysfunction. However, today I managed to do some home organisation – so at least things are moving.

    Post-DBA submission, so many things has happened real fast – couldn’t barely sit down and process my feelings. I thought I have slowed down a lot but things still feel too much for me. What recently has happened:

    August – Taught for an event organised by KBS for over 20 participants, went to Nuluh Lapai Hill for a hike with the ladies, bought a new phone – yes, I’ve got 2 now, got sponsored to attend a conference, quite a major one – acquainted with 1 person in industry, upgraded some equipment at the gym, used TikTok – my video went viral so I used up a lot of energy with communicating with inquiries back and forth (still am today – tired but thankful), submitted my final DBA thesis draft

    Early September – kind of blur, not sure what has happened – I probably just trained my ass out and got a few minor injuries. Started to teach Saturday classes. Dealing with new gym members. Oh yeah, I think I was trying to recover so much as I just discovered on my intolerance on rich chocolate brownies – probably due to so much caffeine. This really took up my energy. My sister (5th sibling) gave birth to a boy! Towards the end, I was racing against time writing paper for a conference to submit by end of September. Along the timeline in the month, I went to visit my client’s office to check on their server and got treated with pizzas and coffee!

    October – Finishing that paper for submission and presentation – quite disoriented a bit cause overlapped with Bodypump new release launch and catching up with training. Presented for a conference and awarded best presentation and best paper overall for the conference. Attended physical thesis delivery ceremony with my friends. My sister opened up to me that the siblings are under some mystical attack – you guys, I was so freaked out – but I believed that Allah is always protecting us. I seriously am not sure why I am drained so much this month. And then of course my birthday came, and I had amazing celebration before and during my actual birthdays. I think I have finally solidify my circle of people. We went hiking at Aura Montoria. And then, I celebrated my birthday at my parents’ with my nieces and nephews – I treated them doughnuts and sushi. They are so cute! Now, I am trying to track back and setup the development environment to complete my clients’ system. Learning and planning all the way from zero.

    So yeah, so many important occasions have happened that’s worthy of a post. Am I going to be stressed out by this? Probably. I’ll prioritise what I need to do first – rebalance my energy level. I even dug deep assisted by ChatGPT and laid out my schedule together with my suggested nutrition plan. My day-to-day schedule is based on discipline – like I am always running around to meet deadlines and scheduled class times that by the time I need to do important work, I am already depleted to do anything else. I have to balance deep focus work with recovery, training and my physically demanding work.

    Also, I shouldn’t be taking so much extra classes – my body is going to crash. It’s good to know that my body goals are on track – however, I still want to lose more fat mass. My muscle mass is reaching 29.7kg now, reaching 30kg. I am doing better with supplements now – just have to watch out my finances so that I won’t overdo it. My body has changed a lot now that I gained so much upper body mass – my sports bra can no longer fit. My coach pointed out to me that my lats are so tight and joked about my clothings – then again, I too sensed that something need to change. I couldn’t fit into my weightlifting belt anymore and it annoys me so much as it’s expensive to buy a new one. Probably I should sell mine should I get another one – remember to buy a size M this time Nurul!

    So yeah, that’s to quickly summarise my months. There are so much that I wanted to write and got off my chest and my mind – it’s getting messy and cluttered in there. I’ll revisit and write more when I have the time. Just focus and hang in there!

  • Post-DBA Directions

    So I was feeling a bit lost after finishing my DBA. I am so thankful to UiTM staffs who had been so helpful in ensuring I submitted my work on time. It’s like I am losing focus after transfixed on completing my DBA for so long. So, upon completion, I gotta find my direction again as there are so many things that I want to do.

    Just listing things down here so that I can refer back whenever I am lost in the future.

    • Report and presentation to agriculture authority on my research – report and slides preparation (by end of 2025)
    • Online movie ticket purchase and system for client – target launch next year (by end of 2025)
    • Artwork from my questionnaire papers – 2 artwork – 1 big one (rectangular) to place on top of couch, the other one (circle) next to window (by October 2025)
    • Document on my DBA journeys – especially data collection stuffs
    • HATWKK mural
    • AFC operation consolidation – accounts, licenses details (change premise)
    • CrossFit training for next year – halt on building strength, focus on building engine for the next 3 months.
    • RM5k total investment and saving values by end of year.

    After finishing all these, I think I can move forward already. So I got 3 more months to complete the main ones. Next step is to breakdown what are the processes needed to complete all those. Hope everything is going to be fine.

  • That One Who Got Away

    I was in the midst of deleting old emails from my Google Mail to empty out my Google Drive storage. I kept deleting until the year 2014 when I was in UK, there was an email forwarding me photos of my parents visit in UK with a message saying “here are your photos. Kirim salam sama family”. It was from someone I have let down over some guy I had a crush on.

    It’s not that I didn’t like him. He’s 11 years younger than me. I didn’t think he liked me, like seriously that much.He’s always around when I needed him. He liked my cooking. Whenever I had extra food at home, I’d call him and asked if he’d like some. He would gladly come over to pick them up and never failed to compliment my cooking. When I needed company to ride the train to town, he would gladly do so with me. I wasn’t sure and wasn’t thinking of anything cause there were only a number of us Malaysians there in Wales and it’s very common to be helpful towards one another.

    He caught me alone with the guy I liked at my backyard in the middle of a conversation. I confessed to that guy that I liked him, and I thought he might have heard our conversation. Afterwards, he became cold to me – as if he knows what’s going on. He’s not that bad, he’s quite attractive, athletic, well-dressed, polite and he’s protective of me. Only issue was he was way too young. And I thought he’s a bit conservative that he might not like my guts and limits my freedom. He backed of and I have never heard of him again. Last time I was on Twitter, he might have mentioned on him getting married or something. I don’t know his other social media accounts, he completely stopped posting afterwards. Turns out, the guy I liked, wbile he’s so charismatic, he’s just a fake and I was so heartbroken. We met last time he was here but yeah I just can’t with his fakeness.

    Thinking back, it was so unfair to him. But love is never fair. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. Maybe it’s a redirection. But should I have the chance again, I would definitely give us a shot. I hope he’s happy somewhere in the universe and I would like to apologise for being such a bitch last time and for taking him for granted. By chance, we might see each other again,hopefully in better circumstances.

  • August 2025 Check-Ins

    Nothing much going on for me lately except that I am moving like a clockwork day-in day-out (or it just feels that way). Just feeling so overwhelmed last night, I think I need a week break to organise myself. I am feeling so out of alignment these days.

    Just to put things out of my head, these are upcoming things I am completing soon-ish as in within 48 hours:

    • My fitness coaching info flyer design
    • Fixing client’s server
    • Finishing my last thesis correction
    • Finish editing all the post-class group photos and update
    • Social media structure and planning – define my content pillars and frequency of posting – maybe I am already adding a whole new career other than teaching fitness and my IT business – new source of stress
    • Still contemplating on TikTok
    • Laundry, wash my shoes, clean the house
    • Volleyball friendly match 24th August
    • Stretching and fixing my injured arm
    • Food prep – yoghurt and flat breads
    • MYJ websites
    • AFC link on website
    • My brother needs my help and involvement in the family companies

    Things are so cluttered inside my head which blurs my focus. Opportunities coming in, but I am just so overwhelmed with current workload. However, I need these new opportunities to grow my income. How do I optimise my time and energy? Here are a few options:

    • Reduce hours of teaching. I would not reduce my training as it’s important for my mental and physical health
    • Remove clutters in the house – cabinets, shelves or drawers to organise my stuffs – keep the house pleasing, cosy, calming and cool
    • Simplify house chores, not dump everything to do over weekends when I am supposed to rest
    • Limit my social media consumption – when I view contents on social media, it triggers many different emotions in a short span, therefore, making me feel emotionally overwhelmed
    • Build an investment strategy and track my spending again – I overspent on food these past few months
    • Schedule time for projects outside of fitness
    • Write my daily affirmation list for daily boost
    • List down all the items I need to purchase for the house, and plan when to make the purchase and budget, so that I won’t be bothered keep thinking of them inside my head
    • Optimise customer experience so that I don’t have to reply on texts so much
    • Be reminded that I am not my clutter, my relationships, my job and projects. I deserve to live and enjoy what’s good around me and within me.

    So yeah, not writing more. This is the checklist that I need for the month. Stay focused. I can do this!

  • Submitted My Thesis and I Don’t Feel Good About It

    So, I managed to submit my thesis 2 days ago. It was among the most intense days in my life. Prior, I just numb myself with coffee I think it has been for months – I actually bought the 1 litre Zus coffee so that I can stay awake during the day to work on my thesis. I really hated doing that, because I had to sacrifice my well-being to this thing. It was the hardest thing ever. I didn’t really procrastinate – my body and brain just did not cooperate because I was consistently under fatigue, and on weekends I have got other commitments. Covering classes, too, did take a toll on my body. I just couldn’t do it anymore.

    My deadline was on Tueday, 24 June. I already put on my emergency survival mode a week before like day to day looking at the thesis and busting my brains out how to think and write. I really felt stupid like, questioning am I even doing the right thing. I was really under so much pressure. I didn’t want to skip training as it’s the only thing that keeps me positive and sane these days. However, my body couldn’t cope doing both if I have so much work to do. I wonder how it would be once I have started doing projects for others. I want to keep my life soft and calm, as it should be. It kind of amazes me how my brain works so well under so much pressure – I was like finding solutions how to make my writing faster all the time, during shower, driving to work and all in betweens. It is so exhausting and frustrating at the same time that I don’t have anyone to lean on during these times.

    After submitting my thesis, I fell sick and still am today. It would be nice if my man was around or at least check on me if I am okay. At times like these, I really wish it would have been someone else who could care, be around and love me the way I want to be loved and cared for. Deep inside, I feel that he will never be that man, until he has healed himself and have the courage to be honest with himself and do the right thing. However, I am just human and I don’t know what’s the future is going to bring – so I still am holding on some hope here. I know it’s not beyond me, and I deserve that kind of love. Only time and fate will tell. It hurts and I feel sad because I have been all alone in sickness and in health – always caring for others, but no one cares for me. Please God, if it’s not him, send me someone who can and want to love me right.

    Nothing feels good today. The world is getting crazier, economy sucks, and I still have to deal with idiots and ignorant people. This is how it feels like when my body crashes after putting on my survival gear for weeks. I so am not going to do it again. Now, I have to really be deliberate how I spend my time and who get to have my energy. Don’t get too attached with anyone. People only appreciate me when I am beneficial to them, and when I match their ideals. I pray that I would find someone who appreciate me with all my good and bad traits – even if they found that I am not someone that they thought I would be. I am feeling so sick. I should go make a cup of chamomile tea and watch sappy movies to calm down and release my emotions.

  • Low Dopamine Stuff, Eye of the Hurricane and A Lot of Processing

    As I continue to drag myself to continue my DBA thesis correction, I have been battling internally why it is so hard to do and doubts have started to creep in, questioning whether I could do it or not. I have little motivation to do it. I procrastinated, did other productive things like cooking, gardening or cleaning, online shopping or every other stuffs that I could do just to fill time avoiding thinking about and working on my thesis. Then, I was curious why did I need to do all these things before I can roll up for writing. I might be getting low in dopamine and needed the rush to finally get up and running. A little bit of research, all the strategies I did were all dopamine seeking, only I did it in different ways over time. I am glad that I chose a better dopamine source (but still far from healthy). I needed to achieve something to boost up my morale like winning in games, completing easy tasks or submerge in the delicacies of food to feel satisfied and ready. To improve my dopamine level, I gotta eat more protein, iron, vitamin B6, meditate and manage my chronic stress (like, how it is possible to reduce the sources of stress!)

    Things in my life are getting a bit steady, though there were slight hiccups financially, of which, thankfully, have recovered. I didn’t get overtly overwhelmed as usual. I think I have started to understand myself more and just work with my current condition, let go of what I cannot control and focus on my development goals. I started seeing my man again, which is so soothing and regulating knowing that he is still around, hopefully for the better. My relationship with my siblings too has improved a lot. Had small bits of precious moments with each of them. Like, my brother showed me how to change bulb for my car indicators; and my youngest brother shared his supper meal with me and we ate together just the two of us; and a lot more. Things are a bit lighter between us. My parents are still the same, I guess I cannot do anything much about it.

    First quarter of 2025 in, a lot of things overlapped, like Raya celebrations, thesis correction deadline, training, taxes and expenses to take care of. Raya is quite a stressful season for me as it’s time to meet and visit families we rarely have seen throughout the year. I just don’t like being in a crowded area full of people who barely know me and care enough about what I do. Maybe if I had put an effort to ask people how they are, what they are up to, the visits could be more engaging. I have reduced my attendance (yup!) severely, and I still feel exhausted by the thought of it. The foods are great though. It’s just the whole thing, the Raya costume, makeups, travelling, weather, greasy and complicated food, bloated guts and indigestion, the whole pretentious things I have got to do while tagging along with my family, which really deplete my energy. It’s only once a year, so I might just suck it up and be nice. And also, the rush to finish my corrected thesis draft made it feel hard to relax, like I am in a constant anxiety to keep progressing. It is challenging to enjoy the festivities while at the same time trying to set my body and mind up to be more productive.

    My left hamstring, glutes and SI joints area are still tight and inflexible after my last injury. It bothers me a bit. Fortunately, I can still work. It is getting better but the recovery is slower than what I have expected. Mixed feelings to come back to training CrossFit again, but I guess, I will just start again next week and start small with lighter weights and intensity. Also, I have to remind myself to stretch and foam roll affected areas as frequently as I can to get back to my range of motions. So, yeah, no more competition until I am fully healed. Physically, I am feeling less fatigue as I have experienced before after I changed my diet plan. So now I know that my body needs plenty like 50% plenty more protein than what I am used to, monitor my room humidity before I sleep, seriously hydrate, coffee only once in the morning, reduce my carbohydrate intake and supplement myself with essential vitamins especially B6, C and minerals.

    Actually, now that I have processed everything, I am kind of blessed and privileged to have the life that I have now. Eventhough it’s not as beautiful as the life I have aspired to live, I am still blessed with all the freedom to act, work, spend, eat, decorate and clean my house the way that I want to. My body is already conditioned for survival from my upbringings and early life experiences. I am okay, I am safe and I am on the right track. Focus on what aligns with me despite of all the small or big turbulences that are happening around me. Be as calm as the eye of a hurricane. Be aware, but don’t react foolishly. The thesis correction is just another phase. It is going to be difficult, but I will nail it. I got this!

  • Today’s Check In – Struggles and Uncomfortable Feelings

    It’s 3pm at noon and a scorching hot one. Weather app says it’s 33 degree Celsius out there but feels like 39 Celsius. Feeling extra sluggish this afternoon with fasting and all. I am supposed to start with my thesis correction but still hasn’t gotten around to work on that yet. I feel that I am so unbalanced in many ways to do that. My body aches so much from teaching classes, doing CrossFit Open while fasting and my brain is just not cooperating to perform deep focused work. That, with a faucet problem that I gotta fix, hopefully later this week.

    Also, I was served with a notice asking to pay for taxes which threw off my financial balance for a bit. Good thing that I have managed to save some money, which would be enough to pay that off. Ramadan is normally when the gym in Putatan has low turnouts; therefore, less income for me. I have saved for this occasion, however, the unforeseen tax thing just blew things up. I have dealt with the tax thing, now just pray that attendance will catch up so that I can pay my instructors early next month. The stock market is also not doing great because of Trump’s policies, but I am holding on. It’s only temporary, it’s going to recover. I don’t have any more backups for the months April forward, so I’ve gotta strategise how to earn more.

    Adding to that, I have to forego an iftar invitation to celebrate with my DBA batchmates due to reasons, one of them being not wanting to splurge on meals. I would love to meet them if it’s not organised anywhere fancy and doesn’t involve our supervisors. My initial feeling of these was shame and guilt – like, how inadequate I am for struggling and not getting my stuff all lined up together. Then again, I am one of the most resilient people I know, I did it before and I can do it again. And also, I feel guilty for letting my batchmates down, but at least I have stated my reason and proposed how and when we could meet in the future. It’s boundary setting and I am just protecting myself from further damage on my finances, adding more shame, remorse, and resentment towards my batchmates who don’t have anything to do with it.

    Earlier, I joined my family for iftar at my grandma’s place. I really had a nice time (but it was way nicer when I was younger); however, I don’t fancy the feeling of guilt when I have to decline my grandma’s request for me to sleep over for the night. I would oblige last time, though doing so will inconvenience me so much – like I have to abandon my chores and preparation for work, wondering who is going to drop me home, what time will I arrive home, and things like that. Even then, after everything had settled down, my family and I arrived home at midnight. I dislike how disorganised everyone was, indulging themselves with food and mindless chatter up until late at night. I don’t know, it’s just not for me. Maybe I don’t enjoy late evening events. It could be different if it’s an afternoon event. My grandma looked great though and she definitely was happy that everyone was around to be with her. She asked about my braces of all things! Maybe trying to figure out how I was without being too intrusive.

    Today was supposed to be my off day, but I went to replace another instructor’s class this morning. I was so distracted by a member who just did her own thing and not even putting efforts into her workout. As I finished the class, I didn’t feel great or fulfilled like I normally do. And I felt like I just did a mediocre work this morning for not getting everyone engaged and all worked up. After all it was an easy low intensity class, what did I expect. Afterwards, I joined Yoga which was scheduled after my class. It was a nice stretch and rest for my already pained and tight muscles. As the class concluded, there was like a short relaxation period where we all were required to lie down and close our eyes. I was so into it that I briefly fell asleep and dreamt that I was inside a clear water and saw a red fish hovering facing towards me. I had a flashback of the beach that I went in Kunak, so calming and relaxing. I, so badly need to briefly get away from all these routines and the nonsense of other people.

    However, just to be fair, I did have a nice weekend and a good rest at home. I managed to spend time with my family and went back to visit my grandma, iftar together, ate delicious foods with the rest of the clan, and perform tarawih prayers together. I managed to do some repairs on my work pants so that I don’t have to buy new ones. I managed to dismantle and sell the double-decker bed frames that have been collecting dust in my room. I didn’t overspend and my planning for this month was on track – except when the taxes bill arrived. I also managed to repot my growing orchids and did some decluttering. I survived teaching classes and doing CrossFit Open while fasting for the second week already without much complication.

    Struggle is not shameful and is not making me an incomplete nor an unworthy person. It is a part and parcel of life and my life won’t be free of them. However, how I approach them while getting on with life matters and on how to switch my perspectives – that I don’t know everything, especially regarding on what’s gonna happen in the future. Struggle is there to make me learn, adapt and redirect my approach to resolve issues. When I am feeling shame, guilt and fear, it does not necessarily mean that I am struggling – so I gotta be aware to differentiate between uncomfortable feelings and actually being in the state of struggle. It’s when I am experiencing both, I tend to focus and amplify the struggles, giving me the feeling that I am not worthy and not good enough as who I aspire to be. So really, while the external world is so chaotic and unstable, the enemy is mostly my mind and my constant comparison on what’s ideal. I am good enough, just be with the present moment and do things, or not, one at a time. That’s it! I am going to shower and try again with the thesis correction thing.

  • Orchids Repotted

    The orchid seedlings I bought last year are under my care for 9 months already. They’ve grown so big now. I bought 4 of them initially, but only left with 3, 2 are thriving, 1 needs to be handled carefully as it also looks almost dead. I am gonna wait for a few months to see them bloom, hopefully not too long from now.

    I just recycle stuffs from my house, using plastic bottle, used string, parquet pieces, stapler and zip ties.

    I used staples and zip ties to hold the structure together. For the repotting mix, I had charcoal land sphagnum moss mixed together. Been wanting to get pine bark and some more charcoals, but that can wait. I hope the orchids love them!

    So gorgeous! Be healthy and thrive my babies!

  • I Still Can Make A Beautiful Life for Myself

    Feeling melancholic and gloomy for a bit. Today finally I get to wake up early before my alarm rang. Had a nice training session, went to my parents and did some stuff and head home. Had the best nap ever! My nervous system has regulated for a bit but I still need to take it easy. Open and Ramadan is coming next week, I don’t know how I’ll do but just pray for the best. At least I have gone through my viva. I have the funniest feeling about it but I’ll write about it later. The void feeling that I’m scared of is here, faster than I thought. I don’t know how to balance this, with being overwhelmed everyday, and do nothing and eat and sleep all day. And I slowly accept my reality today. Let go of the past. I’m going to be okay.