Tag: relationship

  • Valentine’s Day

    I am a sucker for Valentine’s Day. If I am in a relationship, and we are not celebrating – that’s like not celebrating love. So, I had everything all planned out what to do on Valentine’s Day. It fell on Friday and I taught double classes that day. I wore all pink to class. After class, I dropped by the usual shop I go to, to get a Valentine rose for me. It was nice also that the ladies from gym treated me with Dunkin Donuts, I didn’t need to buy chocolates or desserts for myself.

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    Beforehand, I just came across with really wise relationship content by Lewis Howes which I am going to share here. First one it talks about 5 wounds from childhood trauma that need to be addressed to be in a healthy relationship. To cut short, these wounds are:

    1. Rejection wound
    2. Abandonment wound
    3. Shame/humiliation wound
    4. Treason/betrayal wound
    5. Injustice/unfairness wound

    Martha happens to be an eldest sister and pretty much had same wounds with me, especially the fixer helper stuff. I can totally relate to what she had faced. So seeing her ending up with a very healthy man in relating with others, made me feel so happy and hopeful. The next video, she talks about the key elements from her perspective, to have a great relationship.

    What I took the most from this conversation is that we all often have distorted view on what romantic relationship should look, be and feel like based on movies and the feel good happily-ever-after stuffs. But yeah, I definitely want to be with someone I have good friendship, passion and chemistry with and also someone that I am madly attracted to; however, it’s not enough to build a lasting healthy relationship. She talked about her relationship acronyms BALANCCCED:

    • Be your authentic self. Be yourself. Get to know yourself. Get to know how you do like to be loved and how do you like to love.
    • Acceptance. Accept the other person for who they are. Take time to know the other person. See if values, vision and lifestyle match with yours.
    • Laughter. Have lots of them. Joy, play, appreciation of one another.
    • Allowance. Flexibility in allowing another person to make mistakes and living their own human experience, freedom to choose how one lives his life. Make the other person feel safe by allowing the person be his own authentic being and not trying to change him to make you feeling safe and secure.
    • Nurture. Have a nurturing life separate from partner’s
    • Commitment to the vision of the relationship
    • Compassion. When somebody is being vulnerable, see them as the wounded inner child and have some compassion for them.
    • Curiosity. Approach conversation with curiosity. Avoid inclination to assume the worst or that someone is out to get you.
    • Education. Educate yourself on who your partner is. Their inner child wounds, incidents when they were hurt in the past, their past lives, struggles, and compassion to understand. Care to know the specific things the other person needs. Personal growth.
    • Dios. Or God. Solidifies and binds all the things together.

    And the last one with Jillian, so much sense in this one. The key points I take from here are:

    • Your relationship reflects the relationship you have with yourself
    • Relationship killer – 1) not knowing how to manage chronic stress (so guilty of this!), 2) taking relationship for granted, 3) not knowing how to have difficult conversation on boundaries, expressing needs, vision, mistakes etc
    • Take time to get to know someone before deciding to commit – am I feeling safe, seen, free to express myself as I am, respected, accepted and appreciated?
    • Women do not need to be rescued. We can save ourselves by having confidents and self-worth – having the strength and courage to face own problems
    • Don’t fixate yourself to change the other person – no one likes being asked to change. It has to come from the other person. Give them the opportunity to work on their own struggles. Demands are like building a cage to the other person to make you feel safe. Sense of safety should come from within, not from other person or circumstances.

    I learn a lot in one day. Most of all to believe the information you are seeing and receiving from the other person as it is, not seeing from a place of potential from your perspective. Don’t add, don’t subtract.

    The right person will know how to hold your love. The right person will choose you just as deeply you choose them. You will not have to quiet the way you care. You will never feel like you are too much. You will not have to beg for the love you deserve. One day, you will be met where you are. One day, you will be someone’s favourite person and you will not feel confused. You will not feel like fighting for someone who is not fighting for you. One day, you will understand that it never mattered, how tightly you held on to the wrong people, or how intensely you tried. The right people were always going to stay.

    @rainbowsalt

    What’s for me, will be with me. Cheers to that, just focus on what I want to develop at the moment and enjoy my solitary life. Happy Valentine’s Day to me. I love you.

  • Imago Relationship Theory

    I spent the past few days to rest and do nothing (despite of deadlines of my studies tasks but I know I could get it done real fast when I’m more regulated). Just started to feel the panic attack symptoms again. Good thing though I am more prepared this time to not focus so much on it and calm myself down. I finished 2 books and 1 that really create more awareness in me on how I relate with people. The book is an old-school relationship therapy one, Getting the Love You Want by Dr Harville Hendrix and his wife Dr Helen Hunt. So many have recommended on the book, I just finally managed to get and read it.

    It started with how childhood upbringing affects how we react or relate to others – this one is not so foreign to me as it’s gaining more popularity now. First, I was mostly affected by a mythical story on how a character (I forgot the name) who has 4 limbs (arms/legs) as a whole creature was split into two and thrown into earth. Then, it spent its life looking for its other half. The author described a good analogy on how an individual who was whole when he or she was born, but slowly losing wholeness due to events that represses the other half of an individual that touched around taboo issues, socialisation to be accepted in a community or a group that do not accept a person’s authentic individuality. The repressed or lost self then is the other half that we all keep searching for – mostly in a form of another person that we keep mistaken as ‘soul mate’, because essentially our soul that we are born with are lost and we want to be healed and be whole again. Using the story of mythical creature made me see and understand all clear and vivid on why I unconsciously am attracted to only a certain type of people.

    The Imago Relationship Theory talks about the phenomenon that we normally unconsciously pick a partner that closely resembles our parents – with all their good and bad traits. When we are mistreated by a partner, our pain caused by bad memories with our parents is activated and the body sends distressed feelings for fear of safety or death. That is why it feels so painful when I sense mistreatment from someone closest to me. I knew that I really need to dissect what really has happened and went on with me in my childhood. I used to think that I had an awesome one because I had plenty of time to play and were always surrounded with my cousins. I think what really screwed our upbringing stability, my siblings and I, was that mom had to go abroad to study and left us for a few years being taken care of by our maid and grandparents. And then after she got home, we moved to a new place which was much less nicer than our previous home (I think my parents were mostly stressed out during these times, economic bubbles and crash; while taking care of 6 growing children who need more resources and attention for school and education, teenage rebellious hormones etc), and I was sent to boarding school. I had many lovely memories with my parents, they really are not bad at all at parenting and providing – as they are also humans struggling with their own issues, a few crucial things were overlooked. Just to be more aware on my wound and triggers (by no mean I am being disrespectful, hurtful or petty towards my parents, I am so grateful that they have raised me so well), I am listing down what I liked and what I disliked about my parents and my childhood.

    Like list:

    • I like that my dad spent time to play with all of us – some incidents that I remember, he built a makeshift tent at our lawn, made paper kites for us to play on windy days, took us out to the beach on weekends, taught us to catch small fish from the stream
    • Dad is a nostalgic person – he recorded each of our memories going out, our achievements at school etc
    • He bought a bike and sent me to school every morning when I was 7
    • He cared about nurturing my intelligence and academic talents – he made wooden blackboard and dedicated to teach me maths in the evening whenever he could
    • He was really open and didn’t really shove gender roles expectations towards me, like pressuring me to be all demure and nice. I never had those dolls or other girly toys when I was a kid – not that I remember of. He gave me books, piggy banks, the ‘H’ building block sets that I really loved. He just let me play with my boy cousins doing whatever around his parents’ house whenever we had gatherings.
    • He is meticulous on cleanliness, his environment or who he associates with
    • He overall is a great provider financially
    • About mom, she is the nicer parent in my eyes
    • She acknowledged my presence and responded whenever I needed her
    • I thought she was the most gentle and beautiful woman in my eyes when I was a kid (well, mom is pretty and still look youthful for her age)
    • She collected stamps from all over the world when she was abroad cause she knew I loved collecting stamps (but the collection was ruined cause my brother threw it into swamp in one of our disagreements)
    • She rarely declines my requests or need for help
    • One of the memories that I would never forget is when one afternoon we were in my parents’ room and she scribbled a picture of me with pencil on paper.
    • She appreciates beautiful things and loves pampering me with girly beautiful stuffs like clothes, shoes, bags whatever.
    • She is creative with so many hobbies and crafts

    Dislike list:

    • Dad can be self-centered and insensitive to my feelings
    • He often dismissed what I had to say when trying to join in his conversation which left me feeling stupid and not making sense or feeling like I don’t have conversational skills
    • He does not know how to treat me like a daughter, does not show love, respect nor appreciation of my individuality
    • He often changes his mind on something making me feel confused at times
    • Fragile ego
    • Angry, lashed out on others, hypervigilant and short-fused – later acted normal as if he did not do anything outrageous that hurt us
    • Think he is the only one who is right
    • Mom doesn’t deal with things or difficult issues – rather let things solve itself (or other people jumping in to help)
    • She represses her authentic self – very different person at home, with friends and with her family
    • She does not really fight for what she wants and needs
    • She is not consistent – easily swayed by the mass or external circumstances
    • She does not see herself as a person capable of agency, often does not know what she wants and relies on others to influence her actions or decisions
    • She is chronically stressed and hides it
    • She can be disorganised
    • She can be petty and manipulative
    • She just hides herself as a person behind her role as a mother, wife, daughter, sister or whatever role she acknowledges herself as.
    • She can be overly critical of me and on how I do things
    • She can be persistent and tactical to get what she wants. Sometimes I don’t know her acting like a helpless person is because she really feels helpless or just an act to get us involved

    Often when I was little, I got frustrated with my parents and wanted to run away either to my mom’s parents house or my dad’s sister house who lives nearby with her family. I don’t recall my dad being close to his siblings due to him himself, often was away from his childhood home, except with one or two elder sisters. I think I have to add 4 more guardians that forms my childhood experience as well which 3 of them have passed away.

    • My aunt, who had worked in a bank that time. I view her as a smart career woman. She was chatty, funny and outgoing. We maintained relationship until the time she passed away this year.
    • Her husband, very nice man so different than my dad. He was lively, expressive and put his heart on his sleeves. I totally felt love and joy interacting with him as a kid. He loved us girls but could be critical to his sons.
    • My mom’s mother – she is the ultimate housewife and caregiver, model eldest daughter. Very disciplined and organised with chores and also has a lot of hobbies and skills. She is a very talented woman. She loves to cook us food but can be a bit dictatorial with us when we girls are not doing our functions as a lady, who cooks and serves men food and drinks – all the traditional role of a woman as nurturer and childbearer. I remember when I stayed with my grandparents, I had joined her everyday to the mosque for Maghrib prayers; went for all the weddings, gatherings whatever functions in the village. I spent a lot of time alongside her when I was not at school as I was the good helpful obedient smart first granddaughter. I learnt about how to earn money from her. She could be a bit prideful, as I remembered she scolded me when a teacher lent me a clothing item for a performance, saying to return it back and that we can afford to buy those for ourselves. I didn’t understand her sentiment that time but I felt that my grandmother has endured so much to become that way. Nonetheless, I often feel her love and warmth whenever I visited her.
    • My mom’s father – a retired teacher; he was a popular, artsy and charming man. Literally everyone who is a retired teacher or in their 50s and above in Sabah knows him or had been his student. He was a good storyteller and often so interested in what happened around him. I love that he was so fun to be around with and easy to talk to. His life was simple, tend to his farm in the morning till afternoon, home by lunch hour to eat and nap, out again and be back by dusk for prayers. He taught us on how to read the Quran when I was little. He was very comfortable being around us and his daughters, often teasing us; but sometimes I didn’t appreciate when he compared me with my mom cause my mom, according to him, was the most beautiful girl in the village before she got married. I didn’t really understand his character but he was fun to be with and often were up for some adventures for us kids. As I got older into adulthood, I feel that he became a bit critical of me for not leading a traditional life, not being married at a certain age and do not have a stable career (like working 9-5 or in government sectors). Both him and my grandmother had this scarcity mindset when it comes to money – probably because they have to raise 9 children together that time.

    I do not know yet what can I do with these information as I have not yet finished reading the book. At least I am aware what my triggers are now. As I reflected on my teenager and undergraduate student phase, I felt so odd and outcast, normally hid myself towards what I am good at – getting good grades. I remember feeling so much shame and guilt for not studying on a movie night at school that I skipped movie and decided to study. The thought in my head was, my mom deceived the scholarship provider by altering my guardian details, I didn’t deserve the scholarship and I must do well in studies so that I will not abuse the taxpayer’s money to fund my studies. This was when I was 14 years old. I was so angsty and rebellious during this phase – hormonal and not understanding myself and upset that people did not understand me. I think the school had aggravated my already self-conscious overwhelmed with unworthiness self a lot more. I found solace with a small group of friends in marching band and a teacher who had helped me a lot at school. I wasn’t at peace. In addition to the stressors of blending in with students with competitive and high performing mindset, I was deceived to sacrifice my appreciation of my beauty (my aunt told me it’s mandatory to cover my hair, when that was not the truth). I know this might sound funny and trivial, but I was not happy looking like an aunt who didn’t know how to style her hijab that time.

    Looking back, I think I should not punish my parents harshly for what happened to me. They pretty much accepted my anger, fashion sense and all. They provided me the best they could and still does when I need it. They just don’t know how to connect to my soul on a deeper level – like acknowledge my struggles, actually putting in more effort to show support in everything I do – not only on those that they agree with, being less critical of my choices, not putting so much pressure towards me to earn high income and respectable society status; as what they had projected towards my siblings. Among contributing factors are the boarding school system which is supposed to be the best and elite in the country, immature adults, distorted religious beliefs, temporary neglect when my parents were in tough times that I have dealt with that had scarred and changed the way I was. No one was present to be with me and teach me how to deal with my vulnerabilities facing my challenges and struggles. I was left with myself to make sense of things and learn how to survive – at least this is how I see my story. Probably in many years to come, I might see it differently, hopefully for the better.

  • Sudden Wave of Grief

    Today, it hits hard. Like a 3-storey wave hits the shore. That’s okay, just like waves, this feeling will come and go. I have been sick and am dealing with insecurities and losses at the moment, and it just doesn’t help that I have been having odd dreams and just some reminders of him now and then after a long while. I looked for answers why it’s so hard to detach. What does it says about me? What does the losing of the relationship subconsciously symbolise? My best guess is stability and probably happiness. But more of stability. Maybe if I work hard to achieve that I would be slightly better.

    Life has been really testing lately but also I have good people around me, so that helps a lot. The usual ups and downs. I really am growing and moving forward now, so it’s up to me to get myself ready and rise to the occasion. That aside, I seriously want to process this grief I am feeling today. I was checking my thesis draft just now, and just chilling listening to a really catchy cheerful happy love song, and surprise, my heart twitched and felt hard, just as a flash of him coming to my mind. My face warmed up and I cried. These few days I really went hard to stay focused and only listened to black metal songs. When I decided to take it easy, this happened. Funny thing is I play that cheerful song all the time at the gym. It’s when I need to hang on and I feel like I’m about to hit rock bottom, I would be reminded of him a lot. Instead of rationalising, today, I decided to feel and surrender. Probably it will always be a part of me, and the feelings won’t probably go away. Like how my anxiety and neuroticism will always be a part of me. Once I acknowledge that, I will be able to manage my emotions better.

    It is okay. I am human with deep feelings. At least I don’t run away anymore. Everything is going to turn out just fine. Feel all the feels and let them free.

  • Hypersensitivity

    I can’t remember what inspired me to look it up, just out of the blue, this morning, I was curious if I am a hypersensitive person. When I looked up some articles, it somewhat rang true. It’s not a defect, it is just a trait. It, then, made sense why I feel so much. Why I don’t like being rushed. Why I need alone time to decompress and a lot more.

    Then, it occurred to me, he might be a hypersensitive person as well. That’s why we understand each other. But I suspect he is more sensitive than I am. If that is the case, that really sucks from his end. I mean, I feel deeply. It already feels like there is a storm inside me. I don’t know how it likes with him. Seriously, if we ever get in touch again, I would like to talk about this with him. I know he is a sensitive man. But it was like, “Oh he gets the little details”. Being hypersensitive is more than that.

    It’s a new potential answer on why am I feeling so unsettled all the time except when I sleep. In silence, there is so much noise inside. Like there are 10 people meeting and discussing whatever. Now that I am used to sit down and processing my feelings, the noise has reduced a lot. I knew deep inside that I am built differently than others. It is not I am special or gifted or something. It’s how I feel things, how I think and how I processed what’s going on outside or inside of me. This also explains why I am so easily worked up when inconvenience presents itself. I don’t remember much how I was when I was a kid. From what I remember, I have quite a tantrum last time and my mom never say ‘No’ to me. It’s quite a surprise really, of how I managed to learn taming that intensity away. But the drawback is that, though I appear calm outside, I really felt turbulent inside.

    In a way, I feel blessed with this sensitivity. I feel things. I am irreplaceable. No one can relate the way I relate with people if I really open myself up. But I am also worried if it’s going to be no good for me. Good news is, if I ever want to experience deep fulfilling love again, the sensitive type (but emotionally mature) is the kind of person that I would want to be with.

  • Vulnerable

    This track accompanied me at my most vulnerable moment where I needed to be strong and courageous. Mixed emotions. In the midst of dealing with pain from heartbreak, soldier through with the need to rest and work and feeling fear of my safety travelling alone. It’s like, survival mode 100% – no time to feel my feelings, due to the tight schedule with me dealing with my data collection work, coordinating with agencies and with enumerators. I didn’t feel like a human being at that time. On the night bus to Kunak, I feel especially weak and sad, finally feeling through my feelings in the dark. I cried only a little, but that’s okay. This song helped me to feel my humanness and the meaning of existing in this world.

    Just watched the videoclip. I don’t remember having seen it before. Kind of creepy, but really tells us we can’t turn back time. Only way is forward, and before we know it, we are leaving this planet; and that death is the only way to return. There really is no time that should be wasted.

    Return to Innocence

    Love
    Devotion
    Feeling
    Emotion

    Don’t be afraid to be weak
    Don’t be too proud to be strong
    Just look into your heart my friend
    That will be the return to yourself
    The return to innocence

    The return to innocence

    And if you want, then start to laugh
    If you must, then start to cry
    Be yourself don’t hide
    Just believe in destiny

    Don’t care what people say
    Just follow your own way
    Don’t give up and use the chance
    To return to innocence

    That’s not the beginning of the end
    That’s the return to yourself
    The return to innocence

    That’s return to innocence

  • To You Who Ran Away

    Thank you for showing me your true colour.

    Though it’s hard for me to accept after all the things we shared, I am letting you go.

    Thanks for wasting my love away, but also thank you for showing me how much love I can feel for others and that I must believe that I am capable of doing it again with someone who deserves it.

    Thank you for all your mistreatment, on your attempts in keeping me small. I have finally found my way, to seek the light and courage to stand up for myself, be unapologetically myself and speak my absolute truth. Due to your games, I seek knowledge to learn what kind of a woman I was, and unlearn my traumatic responses. I can finally be comfortable with secure people and have very clear instincts if insecure unaware people are around me. Those who normally I admired, I stay away from them like a plague. This was a huge contribution from your end!

    Not everything was bad, after all I have grown to be a way better person than I was when we first met. Thank you very much for that!

    To put it bluntly – you are a chameleon, if you don’t know it already. I pray that you would eventually find who you truly are, have the courage to face yourself and not run away from your authentic true self, and from what you really want in life.

    Though I thought I missed you dearly, I guess it didn’t mean much as what we had was only authentic from my side and not shared by you. Safe journey in life, and I hope to never see this hurtful version of you again.

    Signing off.

  • Processing My Feelings

    So this morning, I woke up feeling blue and lost. I guess this is the phase when I would be dreaming of him in my sleep a lot. It is not sadness, it is like apprehension for loneliness I think. And my brain reacts with scenarios to protect myself in the event that he might come back in the future. Part of me want to let go, another want to give it a chance as long as I see effort to change his behaviour towards me (this one too risky).

    Overall from the outside, we are so incompatible and too different to make it work. Spiritually and emotionally, we were so close when we were together. Sometimes I think he overreacted to my request as every other woman would voice out the same, maybe even worse, if they are treated the way he treated me. Too many flaws that I see in him, like, he doesn’t remember nor wish my birthday. He doesn’t celebrate me and be around with me as when I need him (probably once or twice he did throughout our relationship). On the other hand, I love how sensitive he is and how he feels deeply towards the people or things that he cares about. So when he didn’t show how he felt and cared for me, it really upset me. If things don’t change, it would be hard for me to be happy with him, as I am not accepted fully as I am and I would always be at the background of his life. Our lives would never merge. It would be so tiring and there is nothing fun with that.

    Then, I told myself, I don’t have to solve this right now. I don’t know what might happen. I don’t know for how long this time that I would be able to lose my feelings for him. I don’t know what to do if I miss him and feeling sad of the loss and resuming life without him after all the busyness that I am now in is over. I don’t know if I could and would meet someone way better than he is. Maybe this feeling too is exacerbated by the fact that I am not certain how to move around to carry out my work here in Tawau. I feel like wanting to escape. But it has to be done. I am going to face it.

    I also thought of maybe I need to learn how to better regulate my emotions when I am triggered/overwhelmed with feeling wanting to be saved by someone. Maybe he is tired of being my ‘dad’ as I am being his ‘mom’. I don’t know if my emotions that need to be regulated, or is it a valid and appropriate reaction to how he has treated me. Am I using my emotions to manipulate him? Do I not get to be upset when my man doesn’t care about my needs? I did communicate wanting to talk about it and did not indicate in any way of wanting to leave him. To me, I did my best to approach this, the healthiest way possible (except the earlier part where I lashed out). I did apologise though and stating that I want to sort it out. I feel I did enough to make myself heard. I just don’t want him to take it the wrong way. Maybe he does, or not. He is an adult, he knows what he is doing. I did my part and he showed me what he wants. And I should respect that. I feel that there is no point analysing or ruminating about it any further. It is what it is. Move on with my life and focus on helping myself.

  • He blocked me

    Wow! All I did was honestly stating what I feel. I thought we were good today. I sent my schedule, suddenly I’m blocked!

    I am confused, shocked, how dare he! But I did so myself last time because of anger. Now I don’t know if it’s just anger or he’s really over it.

    I’ll assume it’s over and get on with my life. Who needs a childish emotionless man anyway. Maybe he also lied about the hospital thing and made things up to get mad at me. I said what I needed and truly felt. No remorse.

    Updated:

    Texted him again after 5 days asking how he is and if he is still angry. He didn’t say anything and just blocked me on WhatsApp as well. So this might be it, then.

    I may be so hurt and in pain, but I can deal with it and heal again. I got this!

  • Unmet Needs

    So, had a disagreement again. It is really stressing me out whenever I reach out to him without being reciprocated. When I call his behaviour out, he threw tantrums and then finally proceeded to explain himself. He also said that I am stressing him out. For real?!!! What am I supposed to do, I am not a mind reader. He then proceeded to mention how different we are, I don’t know it is a bad thing or he is just stating a fact. So I stated again, that I have needs and they are not being met right now. I’ve got to explain why I do things and what I needed from him. This, for many times already. I was close to calling it off but decided to think and process why this happens and what he was telling me about.

    My initial response was, OK, I am stressing him out, and he obviously sees us as two individuals running different lives. I don’t know what that means and it hurts a little. Maybe I am in denial too. Again, I took my time and told him how was I supposed to understand his actions if he was not communicating well with me and that I truly don’t know him very well. I stated that I have my needs with him and gave him space to sort himself out. I don’t know the outcome of my actions but at least I don’t stay silent of things that I am not OK with. If it’s meant to be, it will. If it’s not, I will meet someone else – leave it to God.

    In between my anger and tears, I read about anxiety in relationships and came upon a podcast by Dr Sharon Martin and on awareness of highly sensitive person (lol another diagnosis) which I can resonate well. I have always been expressive when I feel things. I just can’t keep it down to myself. I have to share my experience or feelings with someone – ideally someone I care about and accept me as I am. The problem happens when I translate it out with asking for what I need – I am not used to it and those around me often disregard or feel uncomfortable with my requests. So the podcast talks about setting boundaries and be okay with who I am; and that there are many more people just like me. Even with varying degrees of compatibility, things can work out between 2 people. If he read my words with an open mind to understand, we may have another shot. I think I am progressing well with this and managed to better communicate if I don’t want to participate in anything.

    There is also a post on anxiety and relationship which has a lot of good points too. Another post that helps me to understand my feelings and response is this one – 12 Things Highly Sensitive People Love in a Partner (highlysensitiverefuge.com). And this one, too – Blog-Happy Highly Sensitive Life. I obviously have a lot to learn about myself, my wounds and triggers. I mean if I take him out of the equation it is going to be a lot easier and just find someone that is compatible with me. But it is not as easy as it sounds, especially when dealing with the agony of a heartbreak. I am just going to take my time to process what has happened and discern of what to do next, rather than hurting him and saying things that I might regret later.

  • Sometimes I Forgot to Draw or Find the Line

    Recently I have been asked to help with the family business to build on my dad’s vision again and with my sister-in-law’s business.

    I liked the idea and decided to help out. As we went along with the plan and I brought things to speed up, suddenly I got sabotaged again. My reputation on the line.

    Brought my brother to view on some stuffs on a gym which I knew the owners agreed to things – and then these two are playing games with me or us. The gym owner seemed so desperate to get the cash in despite of my assurance. I, for one hand felt as if my words and integrity have no value. And when I communicate to my brother, he has now changed his mind. This of course jeopardises my credibility with other people that I have promised stuffs. Relating to past event, I felt triggered that it’s gonna be like that all over again.

    I decided to do nothing until I have my thinking right. But it is clear now, the way my brother or my dad sees my role is the same as it was. I must draw the line and not fall into the same scenario again. My life is going so well now. Don’t sacrifice everything for them. Don’t give them the power to hold my lifeline again.

    I must communicate with them. I am just going to consult but if this is the way they are, not following the plan that I worked hard for – I am just not going to waste my time executing it. You want to do it your way, it’s your call, but I’m not gonna be involved.

    Damn it – I really should withdraw my name from all the companies. They don’t bring me happiness and I don’t in any way want to be involved in it.

    Main lesson here, always trust my gut feeling about a person. If they make me feel desperate – they are outright manipulative and just move on find someone else to work with. People don’t really change and don’t torture yourself working with people who are not compatible with you. There is always a choice.

    May Allah guides and provides me with sufficient wealth to live happily and meaningfully for as long as He permits.