So this morning, I woke up feeling blue and lost. I guess this is the phase when I would be dreaming of him in my sleep a lot. It is not sadness, it is like apprehension for loneliness I think. And my brain reacts with scenarios to protect myself in the event that he might come back in the future. Part of me want to let go, another want to give it a chance as long as I see effort to change his behaviour towards me (this one too risky).
Overall from the outside, we are so incompatible and too different to make it work. Spiritually and emotionally, we were so close when we were together. Sometimes I think he overreacted to my request as every other woman would voice out the same, maybe even worse, if they are treated the way he treated me. Too many flaws that I see in him, like, he doesn’t remember nor wish my birthday. He doesn’t celebrate me and be around with me as when I need him (probably once or twice he did throughout our relationship). On the other hand, I love how sensitive he is and how he feels deeply towards the people or things that he cares about. So when he didn’t show how he felt and cared for me, it really upset me. If things don’t change, it would be hard for me to be happy with him, as I am not accepted fully as I am and I would always be at the background of his life. Our lives would never merge. It would be so tiring and there is nothing fun with that.
Then, I told myself, I don’t have to solve this right now. I don’t know what might happen. I don’t know for how long this time that I would be able to lose my feelings for him. I don’t know what to do if I miss him and feeling sad of the loss and resuming life without him after all the busyness that I am now in is over. I don’t know if I could and would meet someone way better than he is. Maybe this feeling too is exacerbated by the fact that I am not certain how to move around to carry out my work here in Tawau. I feel like wanting to escape. But it has to be done. I am going to face it.
I also thought of maybe I need to learn how to better regulate my emotions when I am triggered/overwhelmed with feeling wanting to be saved by someone. Maybe he is tired of being my ‘dad’ as I am being his ‘mom’. I don’t know if my emotions that need to be regulated, or is it a valid and appropriate reaction to how he has treated me. Am I using my emotions to manipulate him? Do I not get to be upset when my man doesn’t care about my needs? I did communicate wanting to talk about it and did not indicate in any way of wanting to leave him. To me, I did my best to approach this, the healthiest way possible (except the earlier part where I lashed out). I did apologise though and stating that I want to sort it out. I feel I did enough to make myself heard. I just don’t want him to take it the wrong way. Maybe he does, or not. He is an adult, he knows what he is doing. I did my part and he showed me what he wants. And I should respect that. I feel that there is no point analysing or ruminating about it any further. It is what it is. Move on with my life and focus on helping myself.