Category: Healing

  • Mid Year 2025 Check-Ins

    I haven’t posted anything since May. My life has been moving so fast, it feels like I am always racing against time. And I can’t seem to recall what have happened that drained me so much. Exhausted and overwhelmed every single week. The weather is not helping too as the temperature has been extremely hot these days even at night. There were great days, horrible days, lovely days and just so-so days. Proves that I am going through my days like every other human beings. I just want to slow down and recall what I did last month.

    So, I just started playing volleyball again with the help of another volleyball-crazy mate – we accidentally found a group of young men to play with (like they are fresh graduates in their 20s, so saying that they are boys are totally contextually incorrect). My first game with them was horrible as I was already exhausted from training and just started building my fitness back post-raya. We played for 2 hours straight, and I swear I felt that my legs almost fell off of my joints. I was still recovering from previous injury, I guess it had to do with my hip rotator. What’s great was that, I managed to train consistently 4 days a week and did my mobility after each class. I finally could kick up into handstand hold on my own which is a huge progress for me. I haven’t started with athletic capacity training yet as I don’t want to add further stress and injury to my body. The next few games were kind of good as we were getting along and were able to communicate our play. My thesis was still moving in slow motion but I just kept going bit by bit. Momentum has not been keeping up but deep within, I just knew that I am going to make it. I was terribly under fatigue with covering classes and focusing on events at the gym with random celebrations here and there. I actually enjoyed teaching in May and the package purchase at the Putatan gym surged post festive season.

    Training and work aside, my brother is finally married to his fiance. I knew about his love life drama, so I hope he is happy with his decision and that their marriage be blessed, become a loving and nurturing one towards each other. I had a lot of nice bonding moments with my brother. We kind of tracked back what had happened in our lives and shared vulnerable moments together. He kept recollecting memories on how I was out there hitting people if anyone dared to bully him when we were kids. And the time when I took my brother out to hang out at the mall to watch movies, for meals and buy him Coffee Bean frappucinos after payday. Deep inside, I feel like he needs courage and reassurance from me more than ever in this current phase of his life. It’s as if he wants his ‘functional’ big sister back. I pray that Allah will always protect him from any harm and danger coming his way. I will try to be more available to him and my family. Essentially, my weekends and a few days before his wedding were spent for my family.

    Towards the end of May, I was so dysregulated and overwhelmed and finally resorted to fix my nutrition intake, especially vitamins as I experience brain fog like most of the time which makes it hard for me to focus when I need to do introspective work. It was so frustrating. I have no energy left to deal with the most important thing right now – my thesis. I, then, discovered that I might be experiencing gastric acid reflux after experiencing bouts of scary headaches especially at night while driving to class or going home after class. My blood sugar level is going haywire. I tried to eat more frequently, like every 4 hours (the longest time without food). I was eating and preparing food the whole time. My meal schedule is like 5.30am breakfast, 9.00am post-training snack, 12pm lunch, 3.00pm second lunch and coffee, 5.00pm snack, 7.00pm snack, 9.00-10.00pm dinner. If I miss the timing, I start to feel all the weird reactions in my body. Buying snacks post-class all the time definitely not an economic option. At this point, I was feeling helpless and frustrated. I told myself repeatedly that I will get out of this situation and never have to be calculative about buying food to nourish my body again. Till then, I probably should look for easy energy bars recipe to make some post-class/training fuels.

    I had a small disagreement with a gym member at the place I am training in. We initially had nice interactions – like friendly banters and jokes. Over time, I think he began to feel more comfortable with me and like showing his true nature with me, being annoying and sometimes I felt offended like he tried to dominate situations at times. I was there dead serious to train and he was like playing around not even caring to follow workout instructions. I mean, I don’t really care if he wants to train or not, or on what his purpose of going to gym and stuff. But the way he joked around with me really was off-putting and distracting me out of my focus. I have been bottling up my annoyance for quite a while. Then one day before the start of our training, I was carrying a heavy dumbbell to perform a movement and he was standing next to me with really light weight. While waiting to start, he was looking at my weight and jokingly offered to switch mine with his. It was condescending and I was so annoyed that I snapped and called it out on him. I said things like why he was so nosy with what I’m doing, how he felt insecure watching me with heavier load than him and told him straight I was there to train not to fool around. If that was his purpose, to come to gym to just fool around, please don’t interfere with what I am doing. I think he had the shock of his life being called out like that. I don’t care if he wants to be an insecure condescending boy his entire life, but at least be respectful of others. After that, things were a bit awkward between us for like a week plus, though I still talk to him but not as friendly and aimless as usual. Things with immature men, a lot of them see women in limited lense of their expectations or ideals – either a woman is brash masculine or ultra feminine – submissive and demure. Women can be soft and nurturing but with strong opinions. I might be soft-spoken, polite and decent; but I am not one to be pushed around and be silenced when confronted. The incident made me so uncomfortable to go to train again but I just take my time to digest and reflect what has happened. It has nothing to do with me, I did nothing wrong, all I need to do is just focus with my training.

    Also, a lot of women are sending me inquiries about training in Putatan gym and its really distracting. I am surprised how so many of them are not familiar with gym trainings and costs incurred like they need to invest a bit. Trainers have to live also. I feel like this is the most tiring job ever, with little financial rewards, running a fitness business and at the same time teaching classes and train. I, for sure, am not going to do this forever. The amount of ridiculous questions and responses I received are so overwhelming. How little respect and importance people have for those working in fitness and towards their own health and wellbeing. I decided to just suck it up and entertain them at first, but most of the interactions ended quite good and I managed to secure many new clients for the gym. But those who get it, really appreciate my effort and services. I guess its a good sign that people are starting to notice our fitness training group. I am more emotionally drained because I have to repeatedly demonstrate my boundaries when interacting with them as I tend to normally people-please previously, and that is the norm of many people – expecting people to always be nice and compliant even when asked for things against their will. It’s okay, I will figure out how to protect myself at the same time providing great service to these ladies. In practical terms, I need to improve or automate customer-related functions of the business so that I do little interactions regarding administration stuffs.

    Great things that happen in May – I bought mom a huge phalaenopsis orchid plant for Mother’s Day, brother got married, catch up with family and extended ones, like all of them, new social circle, PR’ed my handstand holds, finally got a huge water tank for water disruption backup, more gym members coming in Putatan, grateful for my man’s presence in my life. Not so great things (cummulative May and June) – dealing with a lot of emotional discomforts from my interactions with gym members, dealing with the hormonal and chemical imbalances in my body, crazy weather, more money spent on nutrition and buying water tanks and fixing it at my house, still battling with fatigue to write my thesis.

    So, by the way, last night, I was at my parents doing laundry as usual after my Saturday class. Everyone was out attending a relative engagement do. While waiting for my laundry, I brought some snacks with me and picked a movie from Netflix to watch. A Filipino movie entitled “And the Bread Winner is..” about working abroad caught my interest and decided to watch it. I relate so much with the main character Bambi, who is an eldest sibling working day and night to provide for her family. Bambi, a gay transgender, works tirelessly but deep inside she is so exhausted to the point of giving up on life. I love her character, so kind and helpful, like everyone owes her so much for her kindness in her community and among her friends. She’s also unapologetically herself, you can see the way she carries herself and how she expresses her feelings. Though, she never does show her vulnerability to others – always strong and dependable – just like me. I relate to her character so much, as I lived abroad, provided assistance, sacrificed so much for my siblings and family and enduring the toxic productivity that comes with it, all that was me before. I cried so much watching the movie because I could feel her pain sacrificing for others and doing what she does especially during a scene when she vented in frustration towards her siblings on why she has to be the strong one, when does she get to rest, to whom she should turn to when she needs help and nurturing? Though the storyline and some characters are a bit sketchy, I felt so seen watching the movie and it healed me so much that my experience and emotional pain are validated and acknowledged from the movie. If you are a sole provider of your family or a parentified eldest sibling, please watch the movie. I really see myself in Bambi.

    My laundry wasn’t done after the movie, I had time left so I watched a couple of Indonesian movies adapted from Korean movies, “My Annoying Brother” and “2nd Miracle in Cell No. 7”. The movies are well shot and I think Vino Bastian’s acting is very fresh. What I noticed about the movies are they captured and tell stories on the feelings and emotions of men as friends, siblings and fathers. I feel like men are more authentic when they are around their family and friends. Men in my life, like all of them are secretive on how they feel; so, naturally watching the movie kind of changed my perspective of what men values and on how their emotion works when confronted on certain situations. Indonesian movies have evolved a lot, an as usual they managed to maintain their identities while integrating with modern values and not as Westernised as many Asian countries of which makes them so unique. I miss Jakarta after watching the movie. I hope to travel soon and see the world again.

    Watching the movies made me realised that I need to get out of my daily routines sometimes to take a break and look into the outside world, and the lives of others. I am a ticking time bomb stuck inside my own bubble. But I can’t let things go just yet. I want to be responsible for what I did to myself previously and make amends to myself first, then towards my family and others. It is okay to struggle a little. Life is still beautiful and I want to make it count while I am still alive in this world. Do my best, create as many good moments as I can, live life to the fullest and have no regrets left behind, InshaAllah.

  • Low Dopamine Stuff, Eye of the Hurricane and A Lot of Processing

    As I continue to drag myself to continue my DBA thesis correction, I have been battling internally why it is so hard to do and doubts have started to creep in, questioning whether I could do it or not. I have little motivation to do it. I procrastinated, did other productive things like cooking, gardening or cleaning, online shopping or every other stuffs that I could do just to fill time avoiding thinking about and working on my thesis. Then, I was curious why did I need to do all these things before I can roll up for writing. I might be getting low in dopamine and needed the rush to finally get up and running. A little bit of research, all the strategies I did were all dopamine seeking, only I did it in different ways over time. I am glad that I chose a better dopamine source (but still far from healthy). I needed to achieve something to boost up my morale like winning in games, completing easy tasks or submerge in the delicacies of food to feel satisfied and ready. To improve my dopamine level, I gotta eat more protein, iron, vitamin B6, meditate and manage my chronic stress (like, how it is possible to reduce the sources of stress!)

    Things in my life are getting a bit steady, though there were slight hiccups financially, of which, thankfully, have recovered. I didn’t get overtly overwhelmed as usual. I think I have started to understand myself more and just work with my current condition, let go of what I cannot control and focus on my development goals. I started seeing my man again, which is so soothing and regulating knowing that he is still around, hopefully for the better. My relationship with my siblings too has improved a lot. Had small bits of precious moments with each of them. Like, my brother showed me how to change bulb for my car indicators; and my youngest brother shared his supper meal with me and we ate together just the two of us; and a lot more. Things are a bit lighter between us. My parents are still the same, I guess I cannot do anything much about it.

    First quarter of 2025 in, a lot of things overlapped, like Raya celebrations, thesis correction deadline, training, taxes and expenses to take care of. Raya is quite a stressful season for me as it’s time to meet and visit families we rarely have seen throughout the year. I just don’t like being in a crowded area full of people who barely know me and care enough about what I do. Maybe if I had put an effort to ask people how they are, what they are up to, the visits could be more engaging. I have reduced my attendance (yup!) severely, and I still feel exhausted by the thought of it. The foods are great though. It’s just the whole thing, the Raya costume, makeups, travelling, weather, greasy and complicated food, bloated guts and indigestion, the whole pretentious things I have got to do while tagging along with my family, which really deplete my energy. It’s only once a year, so I might just suck it up and be nice. And also, the rush to finish my corrected thesis draft made it feel hard to relax, like I am in a constant anxiety to keep progressing. It is challenging to enjoy the festivities while at the same time trying to set my body and mind up to be more productive.

    My left hamstring, glutes and SI joints area are still tight and inflexible after my last injury. It bothers me a bit. Fortunately, I can still work. It is getting better but the recovery is slower than what I have expected. Mixed feelings to come back to training CrossFit again, but I guess, I will just start again next week and start small with lighter weights and intensity. Also, I have to remind myself to stretch and foam roll affected areas as frequently as I can to get back to my range of motions. So, yeah, no more competition until I am fully healed. Physically, I am feeling less fatigue as I have experienced before after I changed my diet plan. So now I know that my body needs plenty like 50% plenty more protein than what I am used to, monitor my room humidity before I sleep, seriously hydrate, coffee only once in the morning, reduce my carbohydrate intake and supplement myself with essential vitamins especially B6, C and minerals.

    Actually, now that I have processed everything, I am kind of blessed and privileged to have the life that I have now. Eventhough it’s not as beautiful as the life I have aspired to live, I am still blessed with all the freedom to act, work, spend, eat, decorate and clean my house the way that I want to. My body is already conditioned for survival from my upbringings and early life experiences. I am okay, I am safe and I am on the right track. Focus on what aligns with me despite of all the small or big turbulences that are happening around me. Be as calm as the eye of a hurricane. Be aware, but don’t react foolishly. The thesis correction is just another phase. It is going to be difficult, but I will nail it. I got this!

  • Imago Relationship Theory

    I spent the past few days to rest and do nothing (despite of deadlines of my studies tasks but I know I could get it done real fast when I’m more regulated). Just started to feel the panic attack symptoms again. Good thing though I am more prepared this time to not focus so much on it and calm myself down. I finished 2 books and 1 that really create more awareness in me on how I relate with people. The book is an old-school relationship therapy one, Getting the Love You Want by Dr Harville Hendrix and his wife Dr Helen Hunt. So many have recommended on the book, I just finally managed to get and read it.

    It started with how childhood upbringing affects how we react or relate to others – this one is not so foreign to me as it’s gaining more popularity now. First, I was mostly affected by a mythical story on how a character (I forgot the name) who has 4 limbs (arms/legs) as a whole creature was split into two and thrown into earth. Then, it spent its life looking for its other half. The author described a good analogy on how an individual who was whole when he or she was born, but slowly losing wholeness due to events that represses the other half of an individual that touched around taboo issues, socialisation to be accepted in a community or a group that do not accept a person’s authentic individuality. The repressed or lost self then is the other half that we all keep searching for – mostly in a form of another person that we keep mistaken as ‘soul mate’, because essentially our soul that we are born with are lost and we want to be healed and be whole again. Using the story of mythical creature made me see and understand all clear and vivid on why I unconsciously am attracted to only a certain type of people.

    The Imago Relationship Theory talks about the phenomenon that we normally unconsciously pick a partner that closely resembles our parents – with all their good and bad traits. When we are mistreated by a partner, our pain caused by bad memories with our parents is activated and the body sends distressed feelings for fear of safety or death. That is why it feels so painful when I sense mistreatment from someone closest to me. I knew that I really need to dissect what really has happened and went on with me in my childhood. I used to think that I had an awesome one because I had plenty of time to play and were always surrounded with my cousins. I think what really screwed our upbringing stability, my siblings and I, was that mom had to go abroad to study and left us for a few years being taken care of by our maid and grandparents. And then after she got home, we moved to a new place which was much less nicer than our previous home (I think my parents were mostly stressed out during these times, economic bubbles and crash; while taking care of 6 growing children who need more resources and attention for school and education, teenage rebellious hormones etc), and I was sent to boarding school. I had many lovely memories with my parents, they really are not bad at all at parenting and providing – as they are also humans struggling with their own issues, a few crucial things were overlooked. Just to be more aware on my wound and triggers (by no mean I am being disrespectful, hurtful or petty towards my parents, I am so grateful that they have raised me so well), I am listing down what I liked and what I disliked about my parents and my childhood.

    Like list:

    • I like that my dad spent time to play with all of us – some incidents that I remember, he built a makeshift tent at our lawn, made paper kites for us to play on windy days, took us out to the beach on weekends, taught us to catch small fish from the stream
    • Dad is a nostalgic person – he recorded each of our memories going out, our achievements at school etc
    • He bought a bike and sent me to school every morning when I was 7
    • He cared about nurturing my intelligence and academic talents – he made wooden blackboard and dedicated to teach me maths in the evening whenever he could
    • He was really open and didn’t really shove gender roles expectations towards me, like pressuring me to be all demure and nice. I never had those dolls or other girly toys when I was a kid – not that I remember of. He gave me books, piggy banks, the ‘H’ building block sets that I really loved. He just let me play with my boy cousins doing whatever around his parents’ house whenever we had gatherings.
    • He is meticulous on cleanliness, his environment or who he associates with
    • He overall is a great provider financially
    • About mom, she is the nicer parent in my eyes
    • She acknowledged my presence and responded whenever I needed her
    • I thought she was the most gentle and beautiful woman in my eyes when I was a kid (well, mom is pretty and still look youthful for her age)
    • She collected stamps from all over the world when she was abroad cause she knew I loved collecting stamps (but the collection was ruined cause my brother threw it into swamp in one of our disagreements)
    • She rarely declines my requests or need for help
    • One of the memories that I would never forget is when one afternoon we were in my parents’ room and she scribbled a picture of me with pencil on paper.
    • She appreciates beautiful things and loves pampering me with girly beautiful stuffs like clothes, shoes, bags whatever.
    • She is creative with so many hobbies and crafts

    Dislike list:

    • Dad can be self-centered and insensitive to my feelings
    • He often dismissed what I had to say when trying to join in his conversation which left me feeling stupid and not making sense or feeling like I don’t have conversational skills
    • He does not know how to treat me like a daughter, does not show love, respect nor appreciation of my individuality
    • He often changes his mind on something making me feel confused at times
    • Fragile ego
    • Angry, lashed out on others, hypervigilant and short-fused – later acted normal as if he did not do anything outrageous that hurt us
    • Think he is the only one who is right
    • Mom doesn’t deal with things or difficult issues – rather let things solve itself (or other people jumping in to help)
    • She represses her authentic self – very different person at home, with friends and with her family
    • She does not really fight for what she wants and needs
    • She is not consistent – easily swayed by the mass or external circumstances
    • She does not see herself as a person capable of agency, often does not know what she wants and relies on others to influence her actions or decisions
    • She is chronically stressed and hides it
    • She can be disorganised
    • She can be petty and manipulative
    • She just hides herself as a person behind her role as a mother, wife, daughter, sister or whatever role she acknowledges herself as.
    • She can be overly critical of me and on how I do things
    • She can be persistent and tactical to get what she wants. Sometimes I don’t know her acting like a helpless person is because she really feels helpless or just an act to get us involved

    Often when I was little, I got frustrated with my parents and wanted to run away either to my mom’s parents house or my dad’s sister house who lives nearby with her family. I don’t recall my dad being close to his siblings due to him himself, often was away from his childhood home, except with one or two elder sisters. I think I have to add 4 more guardians that forms my childhood experience as well which 3 of them have passed away.

    • My aunt, who had worked in a bank that time. I view her as a smart career woman. She was chatty, funny and outgoing. We maintained relationship until the time she passed away this year.
    • Her husband, very nice man so different than my dad. He was lively, expressive and put his heart on his sleeves. I totally felt love and joy interacting with him as a kid. He loved us girls but could be critical to his sons.
    • My mom’s mother – she is the ultimate housewife and caregiver, model eldest daughter. Very disciplined and organised with chores and also has a lot of hobbies and skills. She is a very talented woman. She loves to cook us food but can be a bit dictatorial with us when we girls are not doing our functions as a lady, who cooks and serves men food and drinks – all the traditional role of a woman as nurturer and childbearer. I remember when I stayed with my grandparents, I had joined her everyday to the mosque for Maghrib prayers; went for all the weddings, gatherings whatever functions in the village. I spent a lot of time alongside her when I was not at school as I was the good helpful obedient smart first granddaughter. I learnt about how to earn money from her. She could be a bit prideful, as I remembered she scolded me when a teacher lent me a clothing item for a performance, saying to return it back and that we can afford to buy those for ourselves. I didn’t understand her sentiment that time but I felt that my grandmother has endured so much to become that way. Nonetheless, I often feel her love and warmth whenever I visited her.
    • My mom’s father – a retired teacher; he was a popular, artsy and charming man. Literally everyone who is a retired teacher or in their 50s and above in Sabah knows him or had been his student. He was a good storyteller and often so interested in what happened around him. I love that he was so fun to be around with and easy to talk to. His life was simple, tend to his farm in the morning till afternoon, home by lunch hour to eat and nap, out again and be back by dusk for prayers. He taught us on how to read the Quran when I was little. He was very comfortable being around us and his daughters, often teasing us; but sometimes I didn’t appreciate when he compared me with my mom cause my mom, according to him, was the most beautiful girl in the village before she got married. I didn’t really understand his character but he was fun to be with and often were up for some adventures for us kids. As I got older into adulthood, I feel that he became a bit critical of me for not leading a traditional life, not being married at a certain age and do not have a stable career (like working 9-5 or in government sectors). Both him and my grandmother had this scarcity mindset when it comes to money – probably because they have to raise 9 children together that time.

    I do not know yet what can I do with these information as I have not yet finished reading the book. At least I am aware what my triggers are now. As I reflected on my teenager and undergraduate student phase, I felt so odd and outcast, normally hid myself towards what I am good at – getting good grades. I remember feeling so much shame and guilt for not studying on a movie night at school that I skipped movie and decided to study. The thought in my head was, my mom deceived the scholarship provider by altering my guardian details, I didn’t deserve the scholarship and I must do well in studies so that I will not abuse the taxpayer’s money to fund my studies. This was when I was 14 years old. I was so angsty and rebellious during this phase – hormonal and not understanding myself and upset that people did not understand me. I think the school had aggravated my already self-conscious overwhelmed with unworthiness self a lot more. I found solace with a small group of friends in marching band and a teacher who had helped me a lot at school. I wasn’t at peace. In addition to the stressors of blending in with students with competitive and high performing mindset, I was deceived to sacrifice my appreciation of my beauty (my aunt told me it’s mandatory to cover my hair, when that was not the truth). I know this might sound funny and trivial, but I was not happy looking like an aunt who didn’t know how to style her hijab that time.

    Looking back, I think I should not punish my parents harshly for what happened to me. They pretty much accepted my anger, fashion sense and all. They provided me the best they could and still does when I need it. They just don’t know how to connect to my soul on a deeper level – like acknowledge my struggles, actually putting in more effort to show support in everything I do – not only on those that they agree with, being less critical of my choices, not putting so much pressure towards me to earn high income and respectable society status; as what they had projected towards my siblings. Among contributing factors are the boarding school system which is supposed to be the best and elite in the country, immature adults, distorted religious beliefs, temporary neglect when my parents were in tough times that I have dealt with that had scarred and changed the way I was. No one was present to be with me and teach me how to deal with my vulnerabilities facing my challenges and struggles. I was left with myself to make sense of things and learn how to survive – at least this is how I see my story. Probably in many years to come, I might see it differently, hopefully for the better.

  • I Am Exactly Where I Need to Be

    Been wanting to write for a while. Have gone through some nice weeks prior and things are moving so fast that I need to process things for a bit. Took a break from training post-competition to reset my body and nervous system – seriously I was struck with one after another, thesis, training, classes, travelling on survival mode; and to unexpectedly received surprise messages – the usual hi and gone stuff; on the eve of my birthday, seriously? When I wanted to just be friendly and show that I feel happy for you for starting class, suddenly I got blocked again. Do you see your communication pattern? That drives me mad, but I am not gonna be affected by those anymore. Everything from you doesn’t have any clear context on me, as the recipient of your interaction.

    Now, that’s out of my system, I want to process on how sweet my brother has been for repairing my old little car on his own (it’s already 19 years old this year). He has been trying to fix it for weeks and spent so many to buy the tools and parts to help me. Funny thing too, my dad starts to join him outside at the porch with a cup of coffee in his hands, watching my brother fixing the car. Earlier, weeks way before, my brother told me he was ushered on wheelchair to the ICU, paralysed, as his blood pressure sky-rocketed to 250. As a fitness trainer, I know how urgently he needs intervention to care for himself. I told him to take things slow and don’t stress too much. He has done so much already. And then, I began to talk about our shared childhood trauma and how it affected us as adults interfering with our lives and causes unnecessary stress and hypervigilance. He didn’t want to listen to me at first, but I kept talking anyways – deep inside I know he felt shame and anger, or something else, as he kept asking me questions about our childhood and how it affects us. I told him to go do some searching on “childhood neglect” and “childhood trauma”; and that if he has the budget to go see therapist. I have been wanting to see one, but for now books and alternative means have helped me a lot so far. The pain of being in relationships with wounded/dysfunctional/abusive people have really forced me to think and find what’s wrong with me for choosing to be with them and to finally find ways to heal my trauma.

    So, back to my brother, I worry so much for him. I hope he could come and train with me to improve his health. A few days back, we were having lunch outside while waiting for my car tire replacement to finish at a workshop, and he brought up the topic about childhood trauma again. I am happy that he finally understands that there’s nothing wrong with him and that it’s the trauma responses that made us respond to things the way we do. I am glad that he gets the understanding that it’s not our parents’ fault either as they, too, at that time, wouldn’t have known better. Having that conversation, I hope he understands the pain that I have gone through upon knowing that everything I knew about myself was wrong for the past 38 years and that I have to isolate myself and rebuild a life and identity that is true to me at my core. After that conversation, I feel like I wanted to hug my brother (but I didn’t), it feels like he was that small little boy again who I need to protect as a big sister. I want him to know, that he can come to me and talk to me about anything that bothers him – same goes to my other siblings.

    Other than the stuff about my brother, I sort of feel that I am getting better at delivering a good class. My endurance has gone down a bit due to long rest, but being able to teach engaging 5 BodyPump classes in a week, on top of my regular Putatan classes is such a win for me this week. The new release is so hard. So this time, my focus is for my participants to gradually build in their strength injury free, find which area that is challenging to them and focus on diverting their fatigue to their technique and to feel the load as stimulator, not as something to avoid. I am just so grateful with this job and the crowd there, these guys have helped me in believing in my own strength and power as a person. Also, had a nice mamak dinner after gym cleaning with the ladies I teach in Putatan. I feel that it’s scary that we all are getting along better and getting closer, that my reaction was to immediately put boundaries and put up a wall so that they don’t know me that much despite of me telling hefty things about myself to them. Maybe it’s the reaction from being used to people taking advantage of me. I preached a lot about the nervous system, to avoid being in an overdrive – I hope someday they would get what I mean. I am also happy that I see a lot of progress for each of them, proving that their trainings start to trigger changes towards their body. I have just started to build my strength to getting back to CrossFit training, hopefully I would have enough to pay for gym fees and start training again by next week. The drills that my coaches gave me have helped me a lot and I see a lot of improvements on my technique and that my physique has changed a bit (I think my abs muscles, those forming six packs have grown a bit; and my shoulders width – the lats area, is a bit broader than before). My focus this time would be more on skills and actually finish all the prescribed conditioning workouts.

    My thesis has gone to the backseat a bit as I focus on finishing the last module that I have to attend and redo. Today’s class was the last one. I really enjoyed the sessions – it’s more like a study group environment rather than a full-blown lecture. The lecturer was so good and encouraging to everyone – even towards those who made outright mistakes in their presentations (but as a trainer, I am so used to correcting people real time, that I had to point out what could be done to improve their work – not apologising, I am just a direct person). I have been having this imposter syndrome, keep questioning myself if I am doing the right thing with my research, my framework and all – having interacted with her, and receving her feedback after presenting my work, I am now more confident with what I am doing. She explicitly tells everyone this – “Now I believe that she does her own work for her thesis, she really knows what she’s doing and she’s a very hardworking person.” Hearing that from someone I admire and respect, is so validating. Half of the postgraduate lecturers there know who I am and who my parents are, they might expect something lesser of me. I believe I do my best whenever I can with whatever resources I have to make it happen with the help and support of people around me. I am a person of effort; I am capable and I can do this! At the end of our class, the lecturer asked for feedback, and when its my turn, I just started saying how thankful I am for the class and the lecturer and my voice began to crack! I just almost cried but I kept myself composed, paused and talked slowly. I was surprised because it happened a lot when I talk about my research or anything to do with my studies. That’s how deep my feelings and attachment are to my research after all the things I have gone through to come this far. I still don’t know what that means.

    Overall, I really did have a nice weekend that temporary water disruption did not water down my contentment! I am not as fatigue this week, I take care of regulating my nervous systems, I get things done, I nurture my relationship with my family, secured a few new clients to train with me and made new friends. Today I realised, everything is already lined up for me. I just need to prepare myself to face them and follow through what is in store for me in the near future. I don’t have to worry if I would make it in each area of my life – everything will happen when it’s time. I just need to focus, keep building to be the best version of me that I can be and be ready to hit the gas for what’s to come in time. I feel that I have grown and healed so much from my old self. Thank you Allah for helping me.

  • DBT Emotion Regulation Skill

    Printed this out a while back. Again, I want to throw the sheets away so need to put them up here. Might be useful for others. Please email me at n.alam@alamyaakub.com if credits are needed (I don’t have the source details as of now), thanks.

    Skillsets:

    • Coping thoughts
    • Recognise your emotions
    • Cutting and self-mutilation exercise
    • Manipulation behaviours exercise
    • Addictive behaviours exercise
    • Thoughts and emotion defusion
    • Balancing thoughts and emotions
    • Positive activities log

    Coping Thoughts

    • “Nobody’s perfect. I can make mistakes.”
    • “This situation will not last forever.”
    • “I’ve also survived other painful experiences. I can survive this one too.”
    • “This too, shall pass.”
    • “My feelings come and go, just like waves.”
    • “I had experienced overwhelming emotions before and survived.”
    • “I am feeling uncomfortable right now, but I can accept it.”
    • “I can accept my feelings, and this way decreases their intensity.”
    • “I can feel sad and still deal with the situation.”
    • “I am strong enough to deal with what is happening right now.”
    • “This won’t get to me. I can ride this out.”
    • “I can step back, give it a rest, relax, and come back to it later.”
    • “I have survived similar situations and did well.”
    • “It is hard to feel at peace now, but this feeling is only temporary”.
    • “As difficult, the situation may be. I am going to survive it.”
    • “The current situation sucks, but it is only temporary.”
    • “I can feel stressed and still deal with the situation.”
    • “My emotions and thoughts don’t control my life. I do.”
    • “Feelings and thoughts are temporary. They will go away.”
    • “This is a chance for me to learn how to cope with my fear.”
    • “If I want to, I can think different thougts.”
    • “I can use proven methods to help me through this.”
    • “I feel this way because of my past. I am not in danger now.”
    • “I have overcome difficulties before. This will not be different.”
    • “I am going to ride out my feelings as if I were on a wave.”

    Recognise Your Emotions

    Ask yourself:

    • What just happened? (Give date and time)
    • How do I think and feel about what happened? (Be specific)
    • Ok, it happened, but why? (What caused it to happen?)
    • When it happened. What did your emotions tell you what to do? (What did you feel like doing?)
    • How did you react as a result of how you felt? (What exactly did you say or do?)
    • How did the things you said and did affect you later? (What were results of your action? Short and long term consequences?)

    Cutting and Self-mutilation Exercise

    • The cutting and self-mutilating that I engage in are:
    • The temporary rewards for my behaviour are:
    • The long-term costs and dangers of my behaviours are:
    • What are some things I can substitute self-mutilating with?

    Manipulation Behaviours Exercise

    • The manipulation behaviours that I engage in are:
    • The temporary rewards for my behaviours are:
    • The long-term costs and dangers of my behaviours are:
    • Without manipulating, what can I say or do to get what I want?
    • If somebody would manipulate me, how would I feel?

    Addictive Behaviours Exercise (Example alcohol and drugs)

    • I display these alcohol or drug-using behaviours
    • The short-term rewards for my behaviours are:
    • The long-term consequences of my behaviours are:
    • My drug and alcohol habits affect how I feel because:
    • I can improve my substance (alcohol, drugs, cigarettes) use by: (list down items)

    Thoughts and Emotion Defusion

    Use visualisation exercise to remove or feel changing thoughts and emotions. Example:

    1. Imagine you are on a beach by yourself. You are sitting by the sea. In front of you on the sand is written an emotion or thought. As you stare at it, the waves simply wash it away.
    2. It is a beautiful summer day. You are sitting near a stream. As you sit there, you watch leaves with your thoughts and emotions written on the pass you by.

    Balancing Thoughts and Emotions

    • What just happened?
    • How do I think and feel about what happened (be expressive)?
    • What evidence supports how I think and feel?
    • What evidence contradicts how I think and feel?
    • Considering all the evidence. What is a better way to think and feel about the situation?
    • What can I do to cope with the situation in a healthy way?

    Positive Activities Log

    List in a day or week in the following format:

    When?What?How did you feel?What did you think?

  • Don’t Look Back

    Triggered by a few events today. The day started out quite okay, then I started to feel gloomy. I had a quick nap after class, and then received a text from my brother asking for a document I may have from our past dealings. I started to feel heavy, but looked for it anyway and didn’t find one. One thought to another, I felt how much a failure I am on fulfilling my duty towards my family. I felt like I let my family down, especially towards my dad who sacrificed and spent so much for me. He was once my hero, but over time I just feel like he’s so full of himself. And I am feeling guilty because it is as if I am taking advantage of my mom’s unconditional love to help me whenever I am in trouble.

    I looked the document up on my old laptop (which was loaned by mom). It is full of files and my saved articles from the days before I met him; and during the earlier times we were together. Suddenly, the feeling of failure and remorse just rushed within me. My heart feels heavy, and I am just feeling shame and hopeless. Looking back, I am so doing way better now than I was; but I feel unsettled because it is as though me leaving and standing up for myself causes others to suffer.

    It is like, everything that I started feel like they are going to fail and that I am going nowhere – which is my biggest fear. Like, I am back to square one. Maybe my beginning is now – things fell apart, things and people who are not serving me are no longer with me. I raised my standard. I am not where I was before – and moving forward is scary. But I am not going to let this thought to hinder my progress away. I am supposed to finish writing my data analysis part. I was just full of it – the shame and the feeling like I was not good enough. I am good enough. I will complete my studies. I will run my own consultancy and IT business. I will make it as an athlete and as a fitness instructor. I will thrive financially. I will have a loving and fulfilling relationship with the man of my dream. I deserve the best that life has to offer. I deserve to live up to my full potential. Don’t look back, the time is now.

  • Hypersensitivity

    I can’t remember what inspired me to look it up, just out of the blue, this morning, I was curious if I am a hypersensitive person. When I looked up some articles, it somewhat rang true. It’s not a defect, it is just a trait. It, then, made sense why I feel so much. Why I don’t like being rushed. Why I need alone time to decompress and a lot more.

    Then, it occurred to me, he might be a hypersensitive person as well. That’s why we understand each other. But I suspect he is more sensitive than I am. If that is the case, that really sucks from his end. I mean, I feel deeply. It already feels like there is a storm inside me. I don’t know how it likes with him. Seriously, if we ever get in touch again, I would like to talk about this with him. I know he is a sensitive man. But it was like, “Oh he gets the little details”. Being hypersensitive is more than that.

    It’s a new potential answer on why am I feeling so unsettled all the time except when I sleep. In silence, there is so much noise inside. Like there are 10 people meeting and discussing whatever. Now that I am used to sit down and processing my feelings, the noise has reduced a lot. I knew deep inside that I am built differently than others. It is not I am special or gifted or something. It’s how I feel things, how I think and how I processed what’s going on outside or inside of me. This also explains why I am so easily worked up when inconvenience presents itself. I don’t remember much how I was when I was a kid. From what I remember, I have quite a tantrum last time and my mom never say ‘No’ to me. It’s quite a surprise really, of how I managed to learn taming that intensity away. But the drawback is that, though I appear calm outside, I really felt turbulent inside.

    In a way, I feel blessed with this sensitivity. I feel things. I am irreplaceable. No one can relate the way I relate with people if I really open myself up. But I am also worried if it’s going to be no good for me. Good news is, if I ever want to experience deep fulfilling love again, the sensitive type (but emotionally mature) is the kind of person that I would want to be with.

  • To You Who Ran Away

    Thank you for showing me your true colour.

    Though it’s hard for me to accept after all the things we shared, I am letting you go.

    Thanks for wasting my love away, but also thank you for showing me how much love I can feel for others and that I must believe that I am capable of doing it again with someone who deserves it.

    Thank you for all your mistreatment, on your attempts in keeping me small. I have finally found my way, to seek the light and courage to stand up for myself, be unapologetically myself and speak my absolute truth. Due to your games, I seek knowledge to learn what kind of a woman I was, and unlearn my traumatic responses. I can finally be comfortable with secure people and have very clear instincts if insecure unaware people are around me. Those who normally I admired, I stay away from them like a plague. This was a huge contribution from your end!

    Not everything was bad, after all I have grown to be a way better person than I was when we first met. Thank you very much for that!

    To put it bluntly – you are a chameleon, if you don’t know it already. I pray that you would eventually find who you truly are, have the courage to face yourself and not run away from your authentic true self, and from what you really want in life.

    Though I thought I missed you dearly, I guess it didn’t mean much as what we had was only authentic from my side and not shared by you. Safe journey in life, and I hope to never see this hurtful version of you again.

    Signing off.

  • Processing My Feelings

    So this morning, I woke up feeling blue and lost. I guess this is the phase when I would be dreaming of him in my sleep a lot. It is not sadness, it is like apprehension for loneliness I think. And my brain reacts with scenarios to protect myself in the event that he might come back in the future. Part of me want to let go, another want to give it a chance as long as I see effort to change his behaviour towards me (this one too risky).

    Overall from the outside, we are so incompatible and too different to make it work. Spiritually and emotionally, we were so close when we were together. Sometimes I think he overreacted to my request as every other woman would voice out the same, maybe even worse, if they are treated the way he treated me. Too many flaws that I see in him, like, he doesn’t remember nor wish my birthday. He doesn’t celebrate me and be around with me as when I need him (probably once or twice he did throughout our relationship). On the other hand, I love how sensitive he is and how he feels deeply towards the people or things that he cares about. So when he didn’t show how he felt and cared for me, it really upset me. If things don’t change, it would be hard for me to be happy with him, as I am not accepted fully as I am and I would always be at the background of his life. Our lives would never merge. It would be so tiring and there is nothing fun with that.

    Then, I told myself, I don’t have to solve this right now. I don’t know what might happen. I don’t know for how long this time that I would be able to lose my feelings for him. I don’t know what to do if I miss him and feeling sad of the loss and resuming life without him after all the busyness that I am now in is over. I don’t know if I could and would meet someone way better than he is. Maybe this feeling too is exacerbated by the fact that I am not certain how to move around to carry out my work here in Tawau. I feel like wanting to escape. But it has to be done. I am going to face it.

    I also thought of maybe I need to learn how to better regulate my emotions when I am triggered/overwhelmed with feeling wanting to be saved by someone. Maybe he is tired of being my ‘dad’ as I am being his ‘mom’. I don’t know if my emotions that need to be regulated, or is it a valid and appropriate reaction to how he has treated me. Am I using my emotions to manipulate him? Do I not get to be upset when my man doesn’t care about my needs? I did communicate wanting to talk about it and did not indicate in any way of wanting to leave him. To me, I did my best to approach this, the healthiest way possible (except the earlier part where I lashed out). I did apologise though and stating that I want to sort it out. I feel I did enough to make myself heard. I just don’t want him to take it the wrong way. Maybe he does, or not. He is an adult, he knows what he is doing. I did my part and he showed me what he wants. And I should respect that. I feel that there is no point analysing or ruminating about it any further. It is what it is. Move on with my life and focus on helping myself.

  • Unmet Needs

    So, had a disagreement again. It is really stressing me out whenever I reach out to him without being reciprocated. When I call his behaviour out, he threw tantrums and then finally proceeded to explain himself. He also said that I am stressing him out. For real?!!! What am I supposed to do, I am not a mind reader. He then proceeded to mention how different we are, I don’t know it is a bad thing or he is just stating a fact. So I stated again, that I have needs and they are not being met right now. I’ve got to explain why I do things and what I needed from him. This, for many times already. I was close to calling it off but decided to think and process why this happens and what he was telling me about.

    My initial response was, OK, I am stressing him out, and he obviously sees us as two individuals running different lives. I don’t know what that means and it hurts a little. Maybe I am in denial too. Again, I took my time and told him how was I supposed to understand his actions if he was not communicating well with me and that I truly don’t know him very well. I stated that I have my needs with him and gave him space to sort himself out. I don’t know the outcome of my actions but at least I don’t stay silent of things that I am not OK with. If it’s meant to be, it will. If it’s not, I will meet someone else – leave it to God.

    In between my anger and tears, I read about anxiety in relationships and came upon a podcast by Dr Sharon Martin and on awareness of highly sensitive person (lol another diagnosis) which I can resonate well. I have always been expressive when I feel things. I just can’t keep it down to myself. I have to share my experience or feelings with someone – ideally someone I care about and accept me as I am. The problem happens when I translate it out with asking for what I need – I am not used to it and those around me often disregard or feel uncomfortable with my requests. So the podcast talks about setting boundaries and be okay with who I am; and that there are many more people just like me. Even with varying degrees of compatibility, things can work out between 2 people. If he read my words with an open mind to understand, we may have another shot. I think I am progressing well with this and managed to better communicate if I don’t want to participate in anything.

    There is also a post on anxiety and relationship which has a lot of good points too. Another post that helps me to understand my feelings and response is this one – 12 Things Highly Sensitive People Love in a Partner (highlysensitiverefuge.com). And this one, too – Blog-Happy Highly Sensitive Life. I obviously have a lot to learn about myself, my wounds and triggers. I mean if I take him out of the equation it is going to be a lot easier and just find someone that is compatible with me. But it is not as easy as it sounds, especially when dealing with the agony of a heartbreak. I am just going to take my time to process what has happened and discern of what to do next, rather than hurting him and saying things that I might regret later.