It’s Raya Haji once again, I joined the family for our raya visits to my parents’ kampung. The first trip was really something to me, where we went to visit my Dad’s oldest cousin (only one alive, all of his siblings passed away) to return a copy of a big – I mean it’s really enormous in depth tracing back to the link to the origin of Islamic rulers ages ago. There were 2 things that I got out of this: my lineage and heritage; and the origin of my Dad’s character or may I say trauma.
From what the elderly told us, this was the story that had been passed down, is that, we had our ancestors from other country in Sabah due to siblings rivalry and to escape execution from the ruler. That really was a survival move back then. People could not know the lineage, or risked being killed.
My ancestors were directly related to a certain royalty family, and they often found themselves being sent to places as enforcer (one could say that they were stationed there to kill/execute people that was ordered by the ruler). So a lot of feuds and injustices happened, resulting them to flee and settled down here in Sabah.
I knew this story before but it slipped my memory. My ancestors were literally the seafarers of the Borneo island also like maritime enforcement during their time. I guess that is why I am so feisty and adventurous (I know my Dad is like this too). Being fed with these adventures since I was little really planted some ideas in me!
I remembered my Dad was proudly telling us a story, whenever we visited the kampung where it happened, that, our great great great grandfather scooped out the eyeballs of pirates in captivity at a jetty where he pointed. I guess from there he had this scavenger mentality and always on the lookout of harm and danger. My grandfather was a policeman and a lot of his relatives work or worked as an enforcer themselves. The cousin of my Dad’s whom we visited also managed to slip in how our ancestors were killing other people caused of racial war, and how they needed to bury their possessions that showed their original identities to survive. For their generation, this was what masculinity is all about, savagely protecting their turf, being ruthlessly brave, be an explorer – on a positive side, they were patriotic and dutiful to their rulers until there were the need to rebel and flee. I am still processing all of this, and on how it shaped my environment and upbringing growing up.
I believe, my late grandfather who was in service as a policeman kind of feeling undeserving of his role knowing his lineage. From what I know from my interaction with him, he was a gentle man, not much words and loved gardening. I would not know he was a policeman back then because he was so kind and so proud of us. He taught my Dad on humility – he said, “Ular menyusur akar, tidak akan hilang biasanya.” (A poisonous snake won’t lose it’s poison even if it had to slither on the lowest ground in between of tree roots). Basically, your worth, talent, lineage – what ever good things about you will not lose even if you have to endure hardest times or circumstances. Another way to look at it, no need to brag to get people’s validation based on worldly views of status, we know our own worth and abilities and it will always be with us that no one can take away from. So that was a piece of wisdom from him.
I realised how survival was really central and it was a serious deal – do or die kind of thing back then. Without their struggle, I would not be here today writing my blog entry from the comfort of my couch all provided by my parents. And to acknowledge that my lineage traced back to very respectable people who made histories made me realise how valuable I am. I must treat myself like a treasure and fight for myself like how my ancestors fight for their family.
My Dad did not share much on his interactions with his siblings or his late mom (other than often being scolded, pinched and punished – tough love). So I figured, that was the identity that he relates to himself the most and that was what that had shaped him today. Knowing this I feel sorry for him, but also seek to explore how I should navigate my interaction with him. We may not be aligned, but he is still my Dad who worked hard to provide for me and I just prayed one day we could figure out how to be at peace with each other before it’s too late.
Yeah, that was a lot coming out from a raya visit. I’m glad I had joined my family and ate good food, rather than staying at home miserable with piles of work waiting to get done.
