I don’t know where to start. My heart is heavy, my body is aching all over – I outdid myself with trainings, things did not go my way, financial insecurity, overdue of tasks to get done. Today is one of those days that I really feel I want to give up. It does not help that at the same time I am still grieving for the past one month.
I want to peel the layers of grieving to move forward. This feeling, it seemed to be of no end. If I suck into it, I will be paralysed. I read somewhere, that, grief comes and go like waves on the beach. Sometimes it’s soft and mild, other times it comes crashing to the shore. Today it feels like almost 7/10. Thank God that I am older and with more experience, I am more level-headed in facing grief.
Grief, for me today, is caused by my own expectations and optimism that people are looking out for me in good faith. I know in real world, people let other people down. People breach trusts, similarly like I breach other people’s trust at times. People hurt other people. I should have let it go at the first sight of red flags, but I have the faith that people have no intention to hurt me – and there could be some justification why someone do that. I can’t do anything about what other people intentions are. Other people have the rights to be themselves too. Instead of trying to repair, I should have trusted my gut feeling. As I am more in tune with myself, how my body is feeling about a situation, the more I can discern who are harmful for me. Still working on it and enforcing my boundaries at the slight deed of disrespect towards me.
Today the feeling is amplified by me not taking care of myself well and what with hormones. I almost passed out after teaching this morning, only slept for 2 hours last night, and did not fed myself wholesomely. My upper back and shoulders are feeling tight. My chest is heavy. I don’t know how much more rest and food that I need. I am just so overwhelmed with what’s going on around me. Trainings, work, study, personal maintenance, emotional work and stuff. I don’t know how long can I last, though I know this setting is temporary. I just have to keep taking actions to move forward and out of it.
What can I do with this grief? Observe, feel it, feel the sadness, feel the pain. It will go away. I grief for the loss of potentials – so much I was hoping for, growth, happiness, union, connection, generosity, kindness, lasting love and togetherness, security, protection, support, being cared and provided for. I can’t expect to get it from anyone, I must learn to give it to myself. If I see it objectively, the potentials that I hoped for, I could also get from other people who are there for me. These potentials – I might not be able to get from a single person, if I could, that would be sweeter and be the best. There could be a whole group of people that could provide me with what I long for in life.
The pain of being abandoned without explanation cuts deep. Ego. I have none of it left. Come what may, I surrender myself to God. I know I will be in good hands sooner or later. I am where I need to be. Things are happening for me. God will take care of me. Till then, let’s do the best to feel the suffering in silence. Tomorrow will be a better day.