As I continue to drag myself to continue my DBA thesis correction, I have been battling internally why it is so hard to do and doubts have started to creep in, questioning whether I could do it or not. I have little motivation to do it. I procrastinated, did other productive things like cooking, gardening or cleaning, online shopping or every other stuffs that I could do just to fill time avoiding thinking about and working on my thesis. Then, I was curious why did I need to do all these things before I can roll up for writing. I might be getting low in dopamine and needed the rush to finally get up and running. A little bit of research, all the strategies I did were all dopamine seeking, only I did it in different ways over time. I am glad that I chose a better dopamine source (but still far from healthy). I needed to achieve something to boost up my morale like winning in games, completing easy tasks or submerge in the delicacies of food to feel satisfied and ready. To improve my dopamine level, I gotta eat more protein, iron, vitamin B6, meditate and manage my chronic stress (like, how it is possible to reduce the sources of stress!)
Things in my life are getting a bit steady, though there were slight hiccups financially, of which, thankfully, have recovered. I didn’t get overtly overwhelmed as usual. I think I have started to understand myself more and just work with my current condition, let go of what I cannot control and focus on my development goals. I started seeing my man again, which is so soothing and regulating knowing that he is still around, hopefully for the better. My relationship with my siblings too has improved a lot. Had small bits of precious moments with each of them. Like, my brother showed me how to change bulb for my car indicators; and my youngest brother shared his supper meal with me and we ate together just the two of us; and a lot more. Things are a bit lighter between us. My parents are still the same, I guess I cannot do anything much about it.
First quarter of 2025 in, a lot of things overlapped, like Raya celebrations, thesis correction deadline, training, taxes and expenses to take care of. Raya is quite a stressful season for me as it’s time to meet and visit families we rarely have seen throughout the year. I just don’t like being in a crowded area full of people who barely know me and care enough about what I do. Maybe if I had put an effort to ask people how they are, what they are up to, the visits could be more engaging. I have reduced my attendance (yup!) severely, and I still feel exhausted by the thought of it. The foods are great though. It’s just the whole thing, the Raya costume, makeups, travelling, weather, greasy and complicated food, bloated guts and indigestion, the whole pretentious things I have got to do while tagging along with my family, which really deplete my energy. It’s only once a year, so I might just suck it up and be nice. And also, the rush to finish my corrected thesis draft made it feel hard to relax, like I am in a constant anxiety to keep progressing. It is challenging to enjoy the festivities while at the same time trying to set my body and mind up to be more productive.
My left hamstring, glutes and SI joints area are still tight and inflexible after my last injury. It bothers me a bit. Fortunately, I can still work. It is getting better but the recovery is slower than what I have expected. Mixed feelings to come back to training CrossFit again, but I guess, I will just start again next week and start small with lighter weights and intensity. Also, I have to remind myself to stretch and foam roll affected areas as frequently as I can to get back to my range of motions. So, yeah, no more competition until I am fully healed. Physically, I am feeling less fatigue as I have experienced before after I changed my diet plan. So now I know that my body needs plenty like 50% plenty more protein than what I am used to, monitor my room humidity before I sleep, seriously hydrate, coffee only once in the morning, reduce my carbohydrate intake and supplement myself with essential vitamins especially B6, C and minerals.
Actually, now that I have processed everything, I am kind of blessed and privileged to have the life that I have now. Eventhough it’s not as beautiful as the life I have aspired to live, I am still blessed with all the freedom to act, work, spend, eat, decorate and clean my house the way that I want to. My body is already conditioned for survival from my upbringings and early life experiences. I am okay, I am safe and I am on the right track. Focus on what aligns with me despite of all the small or big turbulences that are happening around me. Be as calm as the eye of a hurricane. Be aware, but don’t react foolishly. The thesis correction is just another phase. It is going to be difficult, but I will nail it. I got this!