I haven’t posted anything since May. My life has been moving so fast, it feels like I am always racing against time. And I can’t seem to recall what have happened that drained me so much. Exhausted and overwhelmed every single week. The weather is not helping too as the temperature has been extremely hot these days even at night. There were great days, horrible days, lovely days and just so-so days. Proves that I am going through my days like every other human beings. I just want to slow down and recall what I did last month.
So, I just started playing volleyball again with the help of another volleyball-crazy mate – we accidentally found a group of young men to play with (like they are fresh graduates in their 20s, so saying that they are boys are totally contextually incorrect). My first game with them was horrible as I was already exhausted from training and just started building my fitness back post-raya. We played for 2 hours straight, and I swear I felt that my legs almost fell off of my joints. I was still recovering from previous injury, I guess it had to do with my hip rotator. What’s great was that, I managed to train consistently 4 days a week and did my mobility after each class. I finally could kick up into handstand hold on my own which is a huge progress for me. I haven’t started with athletic capacity training yet as I don’t want to add further stress and injury to my body. The next few games were kind of good as we were getting along and were able to communicate our play. My thesis was still moving in slow motion but I just kept going bit by bit. Momentum has not been keeping up but deep within, I just knew that I am going to make it. I was terribly under fatigue with covering classes and focusing on events at the gym with random celebrations here and there. I actually enjoyed teaching in May and the package purchase at the Putatan gym surged post festive season.
Training and work aside, my brother is finally married to his fiance. I knew about his love life drama, so I hope he is happy with his decision and that their marriage be blessed, become a loving and nurturing one towards each other. I had a lot of nice bonding moments with my brother. We kind of tracked back what had happened in our lives and shared vulnerable moments together. He kept recollecting memories on how I was out there hitting people if anyone dared to bully him when we were kids. And the time when I took my brother out to hang out at the mall to watch movies, for meals and buy him Coffee Bean frappucinos after payday. Deep inside, I feel like he needs courage and reassurance from me more than ever in this current phase of his life. It’s as if he wants his ‘functional’ big sister back. I pray that Allah will always protect him from any harm and danger coming his way. I will try to be more available to him and my family. Essentially, my weekends and a few days before his wedding were spent for my family.
Towards the end of May, I was so dysregulated and overwhelmed and finally resorted to fix my nutrition intake, especially vitamins as I experience brain fog like most of the time which makes it hard for me to focus when I need to do introspective work. It was so frustrating. I have no energy left to deal with the most important thing right now – my thesis. I, then, discovered that I might be experiencing gastric acid reflux after experiencing bouts of scary headaches especially at night while driving to class or going home after class. My blood sugar level is going haywire. I tried to eat more frequently, like every 4 hours (the longest time without food). I was eating and preparing food the whole time. My meal schedule is like 5.30am breakfast, 9.00am post-training snack, 12pm lunch, 3.00pm second lunch and coffee, 5.00pm snack, 7.00pm snack, 9.00-10.00pm dinner. If I miss the timing, I start to feel all the weird reactions in my body. Buying snacks post-class all the time definitely not an economic option. At this point, I was feeling helpless and frustrated. I told myself repeatedly that I will get out of this situation and never have to be calculative about buying food to nourish my body again. Till then, I probably should look for easy energy bars recipe to make some post-class/training fuels.
I had a small disagreement with a gym member at the place I am training in. We initially had nice interactions – like friendly banters and jokes. Over time, I think he began to feel more comfortable with me and like showing his true nature with me, being annoying and sometimes I felt offended like he tried to dominate situations at times. I was there dead serious to train and he was like playing around not even caring to follow workout instructions. I mean, I don’t really care if he wants to train or not, or on what his purpose of going to gym and stuff. But the way he joked around with me really was off-putting and distracting me out of my focus. I have been bottling up my annoyance for quite a while. Then one day before the start of our training, I was carrying a heavy dumbbell to perform a movement and he was standing next to me with really light weight. While waiting to start, he was looking at my weight and jokingly offered to switch mine with his. It was condescending and I was so annoyed that I snapped and called it out on him. I said things like why he was so nosy with what I’m doing, how he felt insecure watching me with heavier load than him and told him straight I was there to train not to fool around. If that was his purpose, to come to gym to just fool around, please don’t interfere with what I am doing. I think he had the shock of his life being called out like that. I don’t care if he wants to be an insecure condescending boy his entire life, but at least be respectful of others. After that, things were a bit awkward between us for like a week plus, though I still talk to him but not as friendly and aimless as usual. Things with immature men, a lot of them see women in limited lense of their expectations or ideals – either a woman is brash masculine or ultra feminine – submissive and demure. Women can be soft and nurturing but with strong opinions. I might be soft-spoken, polite and decent; but I am not one to be pushed around and be silenced when confronted. The incident made me so uncomfortable to go to train again but I just take my time to digest and reflect what has happened. It has nothing to do with me, I did nothing wrong, all I need to do is just focus with my training.
Also, a lot of women are sending me inquiries about training in Putatan gym and its really distracting. I am surprised how so many of them are not familiar with gym trainings and costs incurred like they need to invest a bit. Trainers have to live also. I feel like this is the most tiring job ever, with little financial rewards, running a fitness business and at the same time teaching classes and train. I, for sure, am not going to do this forever. The amount of ridiculous questions and responses I received are so overwhelming. How little respect and importance people have for those working in fitness and towards their own health and wellbeing. I decided to just suck it up and entertain them at first, but most of the interactions ended quite good and I managed to secure many new clients for the gym. But those who get it, really appreciate my effort and services. I guess its a good sign that people are starting to notice our fitness training group. I am more emotionally drained because I have to repeatedly demonstrate my boundaries when interacting with them as I tend to normally people-please previously, and that is the norm of many people – expecting people to always be nice and compliant even when asked for things against their will. It’s okay, I will figure out how to protect myself at the same time providing great service to these ladies. In practical terms, I need to improve or automate customer-related functions of the business so that I do little interactions regarding administration stuffs.
Great things that happen in May – I bought mom a huge phalaenopsis orchid plant for Mother’s Day, brother got married, catch up with family and extended ones, like all of them, new social circle, PR’ed my handstand holds, finally got a huge water tank for water disruption backup, more gym members coming in Putatan, grateful for my man’s presence in my life. Not so great things (cummulative May and June) – dealing with a lot of emotional discomforts from my interactions with gym members, dealing with the hormonal and chemical imbalances in my body, crazy weather, more money spent on nutrition and buying water tanks and fixing it at my house, still battling with fatigue to write my thesis.
So, by the way, last night, I was at my parents doing laundry as usual after my Saturday class. Everyone was out attending a relative engagement do. While waiting for my laundry, I brought some snacks with me and picked a movie from Netflix to watch. A Filipino movie entitled “And the Bread Winner is..” about working abroad caught my interest and decided to watch it. I relate so much with the main character Bambi, who is an eldest sibling working day and night to provide for her family. Bambi, a gay transgender, works tirelessly but deep inside she is so exhausted to the point of giving up on life. I love her character, so kind and helpful, like everyone owes her so much for her kindness in her community and among her friends. She’s also unapologetically herself, you can see the way she carries herself and how she expresses her feelings. Though, she never does show her vulnerability to others – always strong and dependable – just like me. I relate to her character so much, as I lived abroad, provided assistance, sacrificed so much for my siblings and family and enduring the toxic productivity that comes with it, all that was me before. I cried so much watching the movie because I could feel her pain sacrificing for others and doing what she does especially during a scene when she vented in frustration towards her siblings on why she has to be the strong one, when does she get to rest, to whom she should turn to when she needs help and nurturing? Though the storyline and some characters are a bit sketchy, I felt so seen watching the movie and it healed me so much that my experience and emotional pain are validated and acknowledged from the movie. If you are a sole provider of your family or a parentified eldest sibling, please watch the movie. I really see myself in Bambi.
My laundry wasn’t done after the movie, I had time left so I watched a couple of Indonesian movies adapted from Korean movies, “My Annoying Brother” and “2nd Miracle in Cell No. 7”. The movies are well shot and I think Vino Bastian’s acting is very fresh. What I noticed about the movies are they captured and tell stories on the feelings and emotions of men as friends, siblings and fathers. I feel like men are more authentic when they are around their family and friends. Men in my life, like all of them are secretive on how they feel; so, naturally watching the movie kind of changed my perspective of what men values and on how their emotion works when confronted on certain situations. Indonesian movies have evolved a lot, an as usual they managed to maintain their identities while integrating with modern values and not as Westernised as many Asian countries of which makes them so unique. I miss Jakarta after watching the movie. I hope to travel soon and see the world again.
Watching the movies made me realised that I need to get out of my daily routines sometimes to take a break and look into the outside world, and the lives of others. I am a ticking time bomb stuck inside my own bubble. But I can’t let things go just yet. I want to be responsible for what I did to myself previously and make amends to myself first, then towards my family and others. It is okay to struggle a little. Life is still beautiful and I want to make it count while I am still alive in this world. Do my best, create as many good moments as I can, live life to the fullest and have no regrets left behind, InshaAllah.
