Virtually Nurul – { Research | Fitness | Designs } by Nurul

Category: Transcendence

  • Lifestyle Polarity

    Halfway in Week 2 of my data collection processes. It has been so draining mentally and physically (and financially), but oddly enough so fulfilling to my soul.

    I mingled with farmers and all from various districts, and like, so jealous of them. They don’t earn much, but they looked as if they’re pretty fulfilled with their life. Maybe from the outside. But I could feel and see how great the power of community in front of my eyes. It was something my late grandpa lived for. Live in kampung and be together with his community. Unlike me, it’s like always looking out for something, for what? Maybe I’m looking for validation that I’m a valuable person.

    I feel like a fake person, so engrossed with social media and my little bubble of self-preservation against I don’t know what real threats I could be facing. I am so connected to many people in such a short time. Almost all of the respondents earn just slightly more or less than I am, yet they survive, built a family and work in the farm as usual. I wonder what makes them so strong. Why am I so different than they are?

    I thought to myself, maybe cause I have lived abroad and experienced the best of both worlds. I have an overall idea how to get ahead in life. Why do I need to be ‘ahead’ though. What’s wrong with me right NOW? I am so thankful for my parents hard work to raise my siblings and I, but to me, they didn’t emphasis so much on what it means to be human and be a part of a community.

    This whole experience is so humbling to me and make me want to reassess how I live my life, my values and priorities. I already have what I need to lead a meaningful life. I don’t need much. I just need to do what is right for me and what makes me happy with the people or my community around me.

    I am just so grateful of this journey. It just has opened up my eyes to so many things about life. My worries are too small (but need to address) compared to the farmers that I have met. Despite of all the lackings in their lives, they still survive and are doing well. I would be OK too. Thank you Allah.

  • Unmet Needs

    So, had a disagreement again. It is really stressing me out whenever I reach out to him without being reciprocated. When I call his behaviour out, he threw tantrums and then finally proceeded to explain himself. He also said that I am stressing him out. For real?!!! What am I supposed to do, I am not a mind reader. He then proceeded to mention how different we are, I don’t know it is a bad thing or he is just stating a fact. So I stated again, that I have needs and they are not being met right now. I’ve got to explain why I do things and what I needed from him. This, for many times already. I was close to calling it off but decided to think and process why this happens and what he was telling me about.

    My initial response was, OK, I am stressing him out, and he obviously sees us as two individuals running different lives. I don’t know what that means and it hurts a little. Maybe I am in denial too. Again, I took my time and told him how was I supposed to understand his actions if he was not communicating well with me and that I truly don’t know him very well. I stated that I have my needs with him and gave him space to sort himself out. I don’t know the outcome of my actions but at least I don’t stay silent of things that I am not OK with. If it’s meant to be, it will. If it’s not, I will meet someone else – leave it to God.

    In between my anger and tears, I read about anxiety in relationships and came upon a podcast by Dr Sharon Martin and on awareness of highly sensitive person (lol another diagnosis) which I can resonate well. I have always been expressive when I feel things. I just can’t keep it down to myself. I have to share my experience or feelings with someone – ideally someone I care about and accept me as I am. The problem happens when I translate it out with asking for what I need – I am not used to it and those around me often disregard or feel uncomfortable with my requests. So the podcast talks about setting boundaries and be okay with who I am; and that there are many more people just like me. Even with varying degrees of compatibility, things can work out between 2 people. If he read my words with an open mind to understand, we may have another shot. I think I am progressing well with this and managed to better communicate if I don’t want to participate in anything.

    There is also a post on anxiety and relationship which has a lot of good points too. Another post that helps me to understand my feelings and response is this one – 12 Things Highly Sensitive People Love in a Partner (highlysensitiverefuge.com). And this one, too – Blog-Happy Highly Sensitive Life. I obviously have a lot to learn about myself, my wounds and triggers. I mean if I take him out of the equation it is going to be a lot easier and just find someone that is compatible with me. But it is not as easy as it sounds, especially when dealing with the agony of a heartbreak. I am just going to take my time to process what has happened and discern of what to do next, rather than hurting him and saying things that I might regret later.

  • Al-fatihah to Arwah Mama – Hjh Saadiah Johari

    I was so shocked to receive the news about mama’s passing. I just met her yesterday warded in hospital with family. In her frail condition, she was all well and looked happy. She was one of my favourite aunt. I feel sad but it does not do anything inside me for now. I rarely met her, the last time was during raya a few months back. Even then, she already was bedridden. Didn’t know her condition was gonna escalate further. Lots of fond memories with her as though she was old, she was one of the coolest aunt. I used to sleep over at her house to play with my cousins when I was a kid. And then, during transition after graduating in my 20s when we were taking care for my late grandmother. Afterwards, when I used to sleepover to finish my clothes orders borrowing their sewing machines.

    My dad sure is so sad of her demise after the passing of his mother and brother a few years earlier. It just kind of pulled me to my senses that I should not take the elderly for granted. My parents, my grandmother, siblings and family. Family is everything, regardless of they play a significant role or not in my life. The memories, of my existence, all were surrounded with family in different phase of life. At some point, they were caretakers, comforters, nurturers, protectors and a lot more that made the past so beautiful, though temporary.

    Mama was a strong woman, cheerful, great and loving grandmother loved by many. When she was younger, I thought, she was so smart and pretty because she worked in a bank. All my prayers to her soul and the family she left behind. May Allah bless her soul. It is humbling me – as I am so busy chasing to live up to my ideal worldly life. Life is so fragile. We don’t know what is going to happen to us next. Death is certain. I pray that Allah guide me so that I am all well-prepared to leave this world when it is time. Not only to make sure that I live my life to its fullest meaning, but also leaving a legacy, continued blessings to others; as well as fulfilling my duty as a servant of Allah. From Allah we come, and to Allah will we return.

  • Be the Person That I Needed the Most

    I am so tempted to pick a fight (confront misbehaviour) again! The last time we fought was in October last year. Being in a relationship with someone who is really basic at relating could be frustrating most of the times. Ultimatums will not change someone, it only showed my fickleness and that I did not really meant what I said. It is not an ideal relationship, it is not so bad but I would say it is so bland and lacking in emotional support and consistency like a healthy relationship, at least like the one that I am expecting.

    I have the tendency to lash out at someone when the person (especially that I am so comfortable with, like a boyfriend), when things are not going my way, or when the person’s responses towards me made me feel anxious; especially after I have told explicitly so many times by words and actions on the consequences. It is partly my responsibility, too, as I have chosen to be with someone that is totally inept at relating and only absorbed by his own thoughts and problems most of the times. Seeing that this behaviour is so consistent for years, I have to make a choice whether to stay or leave. Truthfully, I don’t have the energy to leave yet because I would likely have to deal with his rationale (I am just being positive here, it could be his manipulative tactics) to show that he is not at fault. He is not changing his behaviour either. He is a decent man, but so traumatised with his past experiences that it is hard to discern if he is acting out of his intention, or out of looking good to please people. Very rarely has he shown his authentic side with me. So that really makes me feel 50/50 about the relationship. It could and it could not, even after all these years.

    What lacks in this relationship is that communication consistency. Like, I share things a lot, like other women in love. I want him to know what is going on in my world, my feelings, my concerns, like how I am interested in his. When we are apart, everything just disconnects – not even a single acknowledgement of my attempt to connect. That really makes me disappointed and rejected at times. I feel like that is so inconsiderate of him for treating me that way. He does not remember dates nor wishes me on important days. It makes me wonder, does he want something real or not?

    Last week I texted him twice with no response. I don’t want to text a word more to protect my mental health. At this age, I feel like that was really stupid and lazy. Yes, he is a lazy and emotionless partner. Enough bantering and blaming him, I thought to myself, what would I do now? I decided to soak in the vulnerable feelings – feel all the feels, but quickly switch the attention back to myself, on how can I meet my own needs. My brain is full of stuff. I have to let it out or express them so that it is not cluttered in there. Talking to him makes me feel good. So when he is not around, I feel upset because I could not talk it out with my favourite person. Many times I have asked him why he do what he does. His explanation was so unsatisfactory. It is either he has not dig deep within or he is hiding something from me. I just have to find an alternate outlet. From now on, I am just going to dump everything here to empty out my mind and soothe my own emotions. I wonder if other people in a healthy or happy relationship does this as well – self-regulating themselves. It is like, for me, in a relationship, I would want to be able to share everything that makes me feel happy, upset, sad whatever, my experience of life to my partner. I want him to be my source of comfort when I worry or anxious or upset; so that I can face the hard truths of life knowing someone got my back. When these are consistently taken away from me, I feel like, staying together is pointless really as my needs have not been met when he is not around.

    Sometimes, when I am less triggered and got my logical thinking on, I thought, he is just human, as messed up as I am. He is also dealing with his own mess without involving and burdening me. If he lies to me, that is on him and has got nothing to do with me. I always have the choice. If he is being cold, I have the power to disengage. It is not about me. My life is not affected, I still am an awesome, beautiful and capable woman. My ego is bruised big time when he ignores me. I am not less worthy or unlovable deserving of a partner who treats me well with kindness and consideration and love consistently. My life still goes on as usual. I feel things, only the message is unclear as for now – maybe I am also in denial. I will not try to solve this, it is all already planned for me on Allah’s will. If we are destined to be together, we will be. For now, I will let it go, sit in with some uncomfortable feelings and surrender everything to Allah and focus with what I needed to do (which are aplenty! That is why I am so upset when I cannot talk to someone to untangle this mess.).

    Today, other than training, I really did not do anything else except eat and rest (these are necessary too). My mind told me today that maybe I don’t like myself that much today, I am unhappy about a lot of things. I fear that I might not finish my studies as things stall way too much. I missed deadlines, nobody cares on my efforts, my body hurts so much (super slow recovery) and I am short on cash again this month (another story and it is exhausting). Instead of reflecting and dealing with it, I choose to find external validation or stimulation to distract myself from my issues. On another context too, I need comfort and reassurance that things will be okay. Which I feel is kind of true. I often find myself want to punch him in the face when I am in trouble or in challenging situations and that he is not around to soothe and protect me. Instead of obsessing about his lack of presence in my life, just feel the uneasiness and unhappiness, I am on the right track. Things are moving forward, only at unexpectedly slower pace and with a lot of difficulties. Stay calm and be at peace with uncertainties. I will be okay. I am my own person, not my boyfriend’s, my parents, my siblings or anybody else. Allah got my back.

  • Healing with Cory Muscara

    Happy Friday! I am feeling so sluggish and a bit of anxious today. Some stuffs are bothering me right now. Mainly financial, and then I worry for my safety caused by car issue and another thing is about how I am not eating and sleeping enough to sustain my lifestyle training and working in fitness. Other than that, things are pretty rosy (and challenging). Today, I came across a post by Cory Muscara on Instagram (@corymuscara) on his lessons after 6-months meditating and living like monks. I am so glad I have found it, convinced me a lot that I have healed a lot and I am just getting better. Here are the things that he shared:

    1. Find your true self is an act of love. Expressing it is an act of rebellion.
    2. A sign of growth is having more tolerance for discomfort. But it’s also having less tolerance for bullshit.
    3. Who you are is not your fault, but it is your responsibility.
    4. Desires that arise in agitation are more aligned with your ego. Desires that arise in stillness are more aligned with your soul.
    5. Procrastination is the refusal or inability to be with difficult emotions.
    6. The moment before letting go is often when we grip the hardest.
    7. You don’t find your ground by looking for stability. You find your ground by relaxing into instability.
    8. What you hate most in others is usually what you hate most in yourself.
    9. The biggest life hack is becoming your own best friend. Everything is easier when you do.
    10. The more comfortable you become in your own skin, the less you need to manufacture the world around you for comfort.
    11. An interesting thing happens when you start to like yourself. You no longer need all the things you thought you needed to be happy.
    12. If you don’t train your mind to appreciate what is good, you’ll continue to look for something better in the future, even when things are great.
    13. The belief that there is some future moment more worth our presence than the one we’re in right now is why we miss our lives.
    14. There is no set conditions that leads to lasting happiness. Lasting happiness doesn’t come from conditions, but from learning to flow with conditions.
    15. We often need to get out of alignment with the rest of the world to get back into alignment with ourselves.
    16. Real confidence looks like humility. You no longer need to advertise your value because it comes from a place that does not require the validation of others.
    17. Negative thoughts will not manifest a negative life. But unconscious negative thoughts will.
    18. Bullying yourself into enlightenment does not work. You must befriend yourself to transcend yourself.
    19. There are 3 layers to a moment: Your experience, your awareness of the experience, and your story about the experience. Be mindful of the story.
    20. Your mind doesn’t wander. It moves toward what it finds most interesting. To improve focus, become curious about what’s in front of you.
    21. Life continues whether you pay attention to it or not. I think it’s why the passage of time is so scary.
    22. High pain tolerance is a double-edged sword. It’s key for self-control, but can cause us to override the pain of being out of alignment.
    23. Peak experiences are fun, but you always have to come back. Learning to appreciate ordinary moments is the key to a fulfilling life.
    24. You cannot practice non-attachment. You can only show your mind the suffering attachment creates. When the mind sees this clearly, it will let go.
    25. Meditation can easily become suppression. Don’t use concentration to avoid what is uncomfortable.
    26. Meditation is not about feeling good. It’s about feeling what you’re feeling with good awareness. Plot twist: Eventually that makes you feel good.
    27. Some of the deepest peace we can experience is living in integrity. You can lie to other people about who you are, but you can’t lie to your heart.
    28. Be careful not to let the noise of your mind overpower the whispers of your heart.
    29. Life is always happening in just one moment. That’s all you’re responsible for.
    30. Monks love to fart while they meditate. The wisdom of letting go is expressed in many forms.
    31. You can’t life-hack wisdom. Do the work.

    Can relate to most of it. Hope his work is not a scam. Looking forward to more of his sharings.

  • Be Still

    I am just feeling so overwhelmed lately especially due to the excruciatingly hot weather and that I can’t eat or drink to at least give some motivation to keep doing what I needed to get done.

    Came across an Instagram post yesterday talking about trauma in women causing them to mess up in their feminine side believing that being feminine is harmful and being more masculine will help them survive. Well that’s exactly me! Only that I realise that I’m more leaning towards my feminine side this time around.

    I have always been feminine with my joy in expressing creativity in my work. I love perfumes, nice smells and pampering myself. It’s just that being this way is deemed as lazy and unproductive by my parents and mostly by the environment around me. So, it’s me who needs to enjoy and validate the feminine side of me.

    Today, I’m feeling messy because I am so exhausted I think my health is giving way because I didn’t rest, drink and eat enough. I already undereat during non-fasting month. So by eating less (not intentionally) during fasting month of course is going to set me back. It’s one of the things I need to seriously take care of.

    So much things to do, I want to make a new pair of baju raya for me also, study-wise, a lot of catching up to do. It feels so out of hand for me already. Things for book publisher, for my supervisor, for my data collection. My work is fine and I’m so grateful for it. Only that I have so much pending projects to do which I have no clue yet how am I gonna finish them. My mom expects me to help her so does my grandma. I was also a bit anxious cause my man is not responding to my call for connection. So that agitated me a bit. Good grief that we have delivered the new BodyPump release at the gym, so that lighten the load for myself a little bit.

    I realised that though what I’ve been doing is for my future (hopefully!), I feel that I’m not doing enough for me, to make time doing what makes me feel good, what makes me feel alive and happy – to express myself. So despite of pressure to move things forward, I just decided not to do anything and relax, focus on myself.

    What I like about me this year is that I stuck with my financial system that I managed to control my spending and actually saved some money for myself. Though I still have a long way to go, I feel optimistic with the way I handled it. I want to learn more about money and relate better with it.

    I also becoming better at caring and standing up for myself, doing what I want to do versus doing what people expect me to do. For that, I wanna thank and pat myself at the back for such good work. Omg, this was so not me just 4 years ago!

    You are doing great Nurul. You are not behind, you are exactly where you want to be. Now let’s get ready to spend the day for myself that is to make baju raya instead of just doing study work and worrying about them!

  • Dealing with Shame and Disappointment

    I missed a deadline that I had promised to meet! It is an opportunity, a shot to be published in Taylor & Francis. I tried so hard to write and finish a book chapter manuscript eventhough I was given only about a month to get it done. It is so important to me as an aspiring tech consultant to get my ideas and views get across. Last night, I was planning to continue writing and get it done – the deadline already past in Malaysian timezone, but not in UK. I don’t think I am the only one who have thought of pushing it like that using the timezone as buffer. By 12.30 am, I was so exhausted and I felt that I am going to stress my body further if I did not go to bed and rest. I wrote an email asking for deadline extension – knowing full well how UK people work and just hoping for a little window of time to complete my paper.

    This morning I got up as usual, the time I got up for work. I felt a deep sense of shame and disappointment on myself. This felt too familiar. I looked up on Google if it’s common for writers to ask for extension. Turned out a lot of people do! I felt better. Then, to my instinct, I searched on how much does it cost to publish a book chapter – I was shocked to find out the answer (from as little as USD800 to thousands). I felt so much better. Maybe God is protecting me and showing me how to prepare better for a book project.

    It got me into deep thinking why did I feel shame so much. My feelings of fear, the desperation to finish, the anxiety and mind-racing structuring what I would write in the midst of idle times were all too intense and real. There I was again, in fight mode. I was not in grave danger, but my body and responses felt like it. Then, I told myself, I had never been taught how to deal with shame and disappointment when I was little. I had a conversation with my nephew on winning and losing on how to deal with it. It was so funny when I listen to my own compassionate advice to others, the disappointment for not ‘winning’ did not feel so bad. I broke my routine and did uncomfortable things to make it work, that made me upset too. What’s worse that can happen if I didn’t publish my journal? Partly it was ego – I am not used to ‘losing’, secondly, I wanted to publish so bad – it is fine, I am human with feelings.

    The feeling of shame and disappointment were so intense early in the morning. I was so tired and did not enjoy teaching today. I feel like I am unknowingly going to autopilot again, except that what I had trained to adapt, becoming routine – as in I don’t struggle anymore. Isn’t that great that I am progressing with my supertiring days. Intense feeling is there to feel and to process what did not work with me. It is up to me to receive the signal and feel all the emotions. My strong emotion is my strength.

    Recently I was driving to work feeling so anxious that I was swearing to any car that drove slower than 50kmph in front of me. I don’t know, rush hour traffic drives me mad and the people here are not the best of drivers (me included) – but yeah driving with anxiety and feeling pissed off never are a good combo. It felt too real, I wonder sometimes how come I feel that strongly to the point of hyperventilating and I can feel the reactions of my body if I feel something. Most of the times, I need time to ground myself and recompose. Sometimes I can, sometimes I can’t and just stayed pissed off and moody. Maybe I am good at expressing my emotions (not verbally), that people can feel it without me saying anything. During the drive, I asked myself why was I so pissed off and anxious – the answer to that was I was late and did not prepared enough for class or I had other stuff pending to do. I actually arrived gym on time as usual, not a single minute late – only a few minutes later than what I am comfortable to. Things led to another, I came to conclusion that I was mostly disappointed with myself because I held myself highly accountable to my own high expectations. It’s good to have and maintain standards, but I have trouble accepting if things don’t go my way – as in life, it rarely does which I often get if I stay obsessed (maybe I need to challenge this so that I can relax and not hold on to some idea so tightly.)

  • DBA – 3rd Semester, In!

    This weekend I spent a lot of my time for activities involving my DBA studies.

    Had my 4th presentation on my DBA research proposal, that I do not have any fear to talk about it to anyone (hopefully) at all. The more I present and received feedback from lecturers, the clearer I get on what are the challenges to do it; and how can I improve the research. My confidence also grew a lot. The lecturers and my peers had warned me that the actual defense session is going to be brutal. I do not yet feel threatened or stressed out by it, but I have still to prepare myself for what can happen.

    Explaining my literature review leading to research framework

    I did the presentation in the midst of class learning about PLS-SEM, but glad that I managed to catch up what was it all about after missing about one and a half hours of lecture and demonstration.

    I feel the time is just right. Had I presented my proposal before I have the slightest idea what PLS is all about, I might be fried and burnt down to ashes, if methodology is asked out of me. The more I just let things flow and not stressing over it, the more convinced I am that Allah has everything laid out for me. I just need to do my best in my capacity and with the help of others around me.

    All of us DBA classmates minus one, with Dr Chua and her husband

    We also had a nice dinner last night at a native cuisine restaurant at Hotel No. 5. It was a nice and chill hang out with my classmates and the lecturer. I don’t really know what was nice about it. The whole experience, the company, our dynamic conversations that really made the night, I guess. We spent for a whole 2 hours there, but it felt longer that time.

    At this point of time, I really am feeling that I am together with my tribe – people who are more like me; and less like the people who I tried so hard to belong to. I feel like I have really grown and upgraded; and I am so pleased with myself. Thank you Allah for all the experiences you sent my way. And for my mom, for being there for me in the toughest of times.

  • You are the By-product of the People You Surround Yourself with

    Taken by my friend, when I saw this photo, I saw myself as a different woman!

    One of the things I appreciate the most these days is having close friends who see me in the best lights despite of my flaws.

    Growing up consistently feeling not good enough despite of being raised in a socially well and respected family, attended one of the best schools in the country, receiving the best education, done this and that at national and international level, I often question what am I doing with my life even though things are quite smooth and steady at that moment. Imagine, if everything is stripped off of you, the wealth, the fitness, the youth and beauty, your careers, your family or spouse – everything that signifies status in today’s society – what is left for you as a dignified human being? For years, I was feeling worthless because I cling to these things to validate my existence and self-worth.

    My confidence and self-appreciation grew when I received positive validation like feedback from my peers at the gym as instructor, my friends who value me, like how is it possible that they see me like that. The only person that did not see how awesome I was, was myself. I am my worst critique due to how my parents taught me growing up, and because of the competitive nature at school – I never was the best in any category, and people abandoned me, so I figured I didn’t have anything special to have people sticking around by my side.

    As I focused inwardly, I started to understand more what really mattered for me. Having friends or surrounding myself with the people that see my light and the value I bring to the world, makes me value and respect myself more; and that all of us, our path, each of us is special, regardless of what the society or the ‘norms’ tells us. Thank you, my dear friends, for showing me who I am, and to myself, for believing that I am worthy and that I am good enough.

  • Manifesto of the Brave & Brokenhearted by Brene Brown

    There is no greater threat to the critics and cynics and fearmongers
    Than those of us who are willing to fall
    Because we have learned how to rise

    With skinned knees and bruised hearts;
    We choose owning our stories of struggle,
    Over hiding, over hustling, over pretending.

    When we deny our stories, they define us.
    When we run from the struggle, we are never free.
    So we turn toward truth and look it in the eye.

    We will not be characters in our stories.
    Not villains, not victims, not even heroes.

    We are the authors of our lives,
    We write our own daring endings.

    We craft love from heartbreak,
    Compassion from shame,
    Grace from disappointment,
    Courage from failure.

    Showing up is our power.
    Story is our way home.
    Truth is our song.
    We are the brave and brokenhearted.
    We are rising strong.