Virtually Nurul – { Research | Fitness | Designs } by Nurul

Tag: relationship

  • Unmet Needs

    So, had a disagreement again. It is really stressing me out whenever I reach out to him without being reciprocated. When I call his behaviour out, he threw tantrums and then finally proceeded to explain himself. He also said that I am stressing him out. For real?!!! What am I supposed to do, I am not a mind reader. He then proceeded to mention how different we are, I don’t know it is a bad thing or he is just stating a fact. So I stated again, that I have needs and they are not being met right now. I’ve got to explain why I do things and what I needed from him. This, for many times already. I was close to calling it off but decided to think and process why this happens and what he was telling me about.

    My initial response was, OK, I am stressing him out, and he obviously sees us as two individuals running different lives. I don’t know what that means and it hurts a little. Maybe I am in denial too. Again, I took my time and told him how was I supposed to understand his actions if he was not communicating well with me and that I truly don’t know him very well. I stated that I have my needs with him and gave him space to sort himself out. I don’t know the outcome of my actions but at least I don’t stay silent of things that I am not OK with. If it’s meant to be, it will. If it’s not, I will meet someone else – leave it to God.

    In between my anger and tears, I read about anxiety in relationships and came upon a podcast by Dr Sharon Martin and on awareness of highly sensitive person (lol another diagnosis) which I can resonate well. I have always been expressive when I feel things. I just can’t keep it down to myself. I have to share my experience or feelings with someone – ideally someone I care about and accept me as I am. The problem happens when I translate it out with asking for what I need – I am not used to it and those around me often disregard or feel uncomfortable with my requests. So the podcast talks about setting boundaries and be okay with who I am; and that there are many more people just like me. Even with varying degrees of compatibility, things can work out between 2 people. If he read my words with an open mind to understand, we may have another shot. I think I am progressing well with this and managed to better communicate if I don’t want to participate in anything.

    There is also a post on anxiety and relationship which has a lot of good points too. Another post that helps me to understand my feelings and response is this one – 12 Things Highly Sensitive People Love in a Partner (highlysensitiverefuge.com). And this one, too – Blog-Happy Highly Sensitive Life. I obviously have a lot to learn about myself, my wounds and triggers. I mean if I take him out of the equation it is going to be a lot easier and just find someone that is compatible with me. But it is not as easy as it sounds, especially when dealing with the agony of a heartbreak. I am just going to take my time to process what has happened and discern of what to do next, rather than hurting him and saying things that I might regret later.

  • Sometimes I Forgot to Draw or Find the Line

    Recently I have been asked to help with the family business to build on my dad’s vision again and with my sister-in-law’s business.

    I liked the idea and decided to help out. As we went along with the plan and I brought things to speed up, suddenly I got sabotaged again. My reputation on the line.

    Brought my brother to view on some stuffs on a gym which I knew the owners agreed to things – and then these two are playing games with me or us. The gym owner seemed so desperate to get the cash in despite of my assurance. I, for one hand felt as if my words and integrity have no value. And when I communicate to my brother, he has now changed his mind. This of course jeopardises my credibility with other people that I have promised stuffs. Relating to past event, I felt triggered that it’s gonna be like that all over again.

    I decided to do nothing until I have my thinking right. But it is clear now, the way my brother or my dad sees my role is the same as it was. I must draw the line and not fall into the same scenario again. My life is going so well now. Don’t sacrifice everything for them. Don’t give them the power to hold my lifeline again.

    I must communicate with them. I am just going to consult but if this is the way they are, not following the plan that I worked hard for – I am just not going to waste my time executing it. You want to do it your way, it’s your call, but I’m not gonna be involved.

    Damn it – I really should withdraw my name from all the companies. They don’t bring me happiness and I don’t in any way want to be involved in it.

    Main lesson here, always trust my gut feeling about a person. If they make me feel desperate – they are outright manipulative and just move on find someone else to work with. People don’t really change and don’t torture yourself working with people who are not compatible with you. There is always a choice.

    May Allah guides and provides me with sufficient wealth to live happily and meaningfully for as long as He permits.

  • Some More Real Life Update As At June 2024

    So April had been a real stressful month for me. So was May. Everything just went real fast that I rarely had time to breathe and reflect on my progress as far. So many incidents in between, really, both good and bad.

    • Relationship-wise I am feeling more secure, but the future remains unclear
    • Work-wise, I am getting better and more confident with my path here in fitness
    • Data collection had been a mess, it went out of hand and I got super stressed on this one
    • Issues with my student status and tuition fees, and stressed out with the possibility that I may need to extend my studies for a bit. This was resolved and I have accepted my limit.
    • I improved a lot at CrossFit, nailed RX wall walk, rope climb, did my first kipping pull up for real and got the courage to lift real heavy – 100kg deadlift, close to 60kg power cleans. My relationship with the community improved as well.
    • I had a hard long look at my finances and taken an interest in stock trading. Wish I had done it sooner, but still not too late. It’s time for me to slowly upgrade my life.
    • Car issues a couple of times, mechanic negligence! I really had enough and will not go see the mechanic again. Enough of paying for BS service!
    • Finally had a haircut!
    • Finally organised and resumed my painting
    • Reorganise my garden! And cleaned the main room which I had put off to do for months.
    • I had my first panic attack (the scariest thing ever) and been diagnosed with anxiety. Went to see therapist for a bit, it was nice.
    • I just held on to my boundaries with people (except with the boyfriend) which makes me feel powerful and relaxed – issues at the gym sorted!
    • Entrusted to run a group training service which is close to running my own gym
    • Had the best Teacher’s Day surprise celebration ever. Didn’t know I am valued that much. So much love!
    • Taken up new challenge to run my own gym with the family business. May Allah ease.
    • I feel that my relationship with my family has improved as well which relieves the heavy weights that I have been feeling. Though, they still trigger me, I am learning to challenge my catastrophic thinking whenever they ask of something from me.

    After the tumultuous months of uncertainties, I feel that June is when I had more control with my path and life. May it be time for me to thrive – and stay steadfast and be prepared enough for whatever that may come.

  • Be the Person That I Needed the Most

    I am so tempted to pick a fight (confront misbehaviour) again! The last time we fought was in October last year. Being in a relationship with someone who is really basic at relating could be frustrating most of the times. Ultimatums will not change someone, it only showed my fickleness and that I did not really meant what I said. It is not an ideal relationship, it is not so bad but I would say it is so bland and lacking in emotional support and consistency like a healthy relationship, at least like the one that I am expecting.

    I have the tendency to lash out at someone when the person (especially that I am so comfortable with, like a boyfriend), when things are not going my way, or when the person’s responses towards me made me feel anxious; especially after I have told explicitly so many times by words and actions on the consequences. It is partly my responsibility, too, as I have chosen to be with someone that is totally inept at relating and only absorbed by his own thoughts and problems most of the times. Seeing that this behaviour is so consistent for years, I have to make a choice whether to stay or leave. Truthfully, I don’t have the energy to leave yet because I would likely have to deal with his rationale (I am just being positive here, it could be his manipulative tactics) to show that he is not at fault. He is not changing his behaviour either. He is a decent man, but so traumatised with his past experiences that it is hard to discern if he is acting out of his intention, or out of looking good to please people. Very rarely has he shown his authentic side with me. So that really makes me feel 50/50 about the relationship. It could and it could not, even after all these years.

    What lacks in this relationship is that communication consistency. Like, I share things a lot, like other women in love. I want him to know what is going on in my world, my feelings, my concerns, like how I am interested in his. When we are apart, everything just disconnects – not even a single acknowledgement of my attempt to connect. That really makes me disappointed and rejected at times. I feel like that is so inconsiderate of him for treating me that way. He does not remember dates nor wishes me on important days. It makes me wonder, does he want something real or not?

    Last week I texted him twice with no response. I don’t want to text a word more to protect my mental health. At this age, I feel like that was really stupid and lazy. Yes, he is a lazy and emotionless partner. Enough bantering and blaming him, I thought to myself, what would I do now? I decided to soak in the vulnerable feelings – feel all the feels, but quickly switch the attention back to myself, on how can I meet my own needs. My brain is full of stuff. I have to let it out or express them so that it is not cluttered in there. Talking to him makes me feel good. So when he is not around, I feel upset because I could not talk it out with my favourite person. Many times I have asked him why he do what he does. His explanation was so unsatisfactory. It is either he has not dig deep within or he is hiding something from me. I just have to find an alternate outlet. From now on, I am just going to dump everything here to empty out my mind and soothe my own emotions. I wonder if other people in a healthy or happy relationship does this as well – self-regulating themselves. It is like, for me, in a relationship, I would want to be able to share everything that makes me feel happy, upset, sad whatever, my experience of life to my partner. I want him to be my source of comfort when I worry or anxious or upset; so that I can face the hard truths of life knowing someone got my back. When these are consistently taken away from me, I feel like, staying together is pointless really as my needs have not been met when he is not around.

    Sometimes, when I am less triggered and got my logical thinking on, I thought, he is just human, as messed up as I am. He is also dealing with his own mess without involving and burdening me. If he lies to me, that is on him and has got nothing to do with me. I always have the choice. If he is being cold, I have the power to disengage. It is not about me. My life is not affected, I still am an awesome, beautiful and capable woman. My ego is bruised big time when he ignores me. I am not less worthy or unlovable deserving of a partner who treats me well with kindness and consideration and love consistently. My life still goes on as usual. I feel things, only the message is unclear as for now – maybe I am also in denial. I will not try to solve this, it is all already planned for me on Allah’s will. If we are destined to be together, we will be. For now, I will let it go, sit in with some uncomfortable feelings and surrender everything to Allah and focus with what I needed to do (which are aplenty! That is why I am so upset when I cannot talk to someone to untangle this mess.).

    Today, other than training, I really did not do anything else except eat and rest (these are necessary too). My mind told me today that maybe I don’t like myself that much today, I am unhappy about a lot of things. I fear that I might not finish my studies as things stall way too much. I missed deadlines, nobody cares on my efforts, my body hurts so much (super slow recovery) and I am short on cash again this month (another story and it is exhausting). Instead of reflecting and dealing with it, I choose to find external validation or stimulation to distract myself from my issues. On another context too, I need comfort and reassurance that things will be okay. Which I feel is kind of true. I often find myself want to punch him in the face when I am in trouble or in challenging situations and that he is not around to soothe and protect me. Instead of obsessing about his lack of presence in my life, just feel the uneasiness and unhappiness, I am on the right track. Things are moving forward, only at unexpectedly slower pace and with a lot of difficulties. Stay calm and be at peace with uncertainties. I will be okay. I am my own person, not my boyfriend’s, my parents, my siblings or anybody else. Allah got my back.

  • NC Log

    Day 8 – 28/10/2023

    Woke up today and noticed that I started to dream about him. This is the most dreaded phase of breaking up with him. Still ruminating and tried to justify and find out what I did – how would it look like to him. Well it did not matter anyways. I was being true to myself and he also had demonstrated how incapable he was in loving me the way I need – or probably his lack of interests in doing so.

    Many times, I assure myself that my mind and body is adjusting to new norms where I don’t have to think are be prepared for his contacts all the time. It is going to be ok. I have to try rewire and replace them with something else. I also was quite in a funk since yesterday. But did some exercise to ease my stress and anxiety. It is going to be ok.

    Day 7 – 27/10/2023

    A little less sad today, just feeling of guilt for not being sensitive of his feelings when I pushed him away. It is what it is, and thinking about it would not help me to move forward. I don’t want to reach out as well, it might be overturned like before.

    The Instagram is full of contents about relationships and coupledom, it stresses me out sometimes. My upper body is just sore, my classes are not performing well which will affect my income. I just don’t feel like working on myself at the moment. But things need to get done, my studies, my work and all. I am just overall feel a bit disappointed with life, and with myself.

    Just be patient. Be alive and do my best to support and help myself. I am so tired. I just want to cry and sleep today.

    Day 6 – 26/10/2023

    Yesterday I woke up panicked again. Don’t know why am I like this. Anyway, yesterday I was curious if he still follows my friend. I was hurt to figure out that I was blocked too and he unfollowed my friend. He didn’t delete all the posts about me though. Well thank you for making it easier for me. I love him so much, that’s why I am so hurt and affected by this. But I can’t continue endure being treated like I don’t matter. I was emotionally tired and heartbroken yesterday.

    Today I just want to be, I don’t want to fix or ponder about anything. Life goes on.

    Day 4 – 24/10/2023

    Woke up feeling good. I actually got up early before my alarm clock set off. I realised that I panicked less in the morning now. OMG such was the effect of the relationship to me. Cause I was consistently waiting.

    However, later near afternoon I was feeling vulnerable and cried for a while. Yeah let it go! Feeling a lot better today.

    Day 3 – 23/10/2023

    Feeling bumped that my front headlamp for the car is not working again. Saw some rat bounced off of my car last night. I hope the wiring wasn’t messed by it. The weather is crazy hot today.

    This morning I woke up feeling better. By afternoon I am feeling empty. That’s just the void for being so used to worrying and waiting for his contacts that’s just gonna happen once or twice a month. I was feeling guilty for cutting things off with him like that after all we’ve been through. But realising what I wasted my time on, I am more convinced that I did the right thing.

    Day 2 – 22/10/2023

    Woke up super early and felt so fresh. It’s just a nice feeling and light. Received updates from my PT client and got a potential new client. Morning started great.

    Still processing my feelings out of all this. Wondering if I was being mean. But I still stand that I needed to do that to protect myself. I need to move on and never get back to the mean and hurtful cycle. Why was he so mean to me, I don’t know the answer. And I don’t care anymore. I just want to set myself free. No doubt, still, I am feeling scared of loneliness. Like, will I ever meet and fall in love and be in a relationship again. It’s a phase, I need to be patient.

    Scrolled my phone checking for notifications. I got so used to checking out if I got messages from him and then checked his profile out for signs if he’s doing anything. Now it feels weird that I don’t have to anymore. And just now I sang love songs and I used to think of him, now I need to replace that memory. It’s a bit sad, but life has to go on. I’m not mean, I’m just standing up for myself.

    I used to loathe all the couples posts on Instagram because I am jealous and I wanted what they had. Now, I should change my perspective and see them as inspiration for how my next relationship would be. It’s like learning and informative post. But not gonna deny that some posts are just cringe.

    And a random thought just came through, like, what if cutting ties with him is the final step for me to get that breakthrough. Cause everything else is aligned with what I wanted, except for my love relationship. I’m looking forward what’s coming up next.

    Day 1 – 21/10/2023

    Writing this to remind myself why I should not respond to any more advances from him and to document and journal how am I dealing and coping with all this mess. No dating for a whole year – that is the contract. Not sure yet how often would I write in this log. It is okay. I’ll write as necessary.

    How I feel today? Utter sadness, anger and betrayal, cried for hours in the afternoon. Now is just feeling emotionally exhausted and numb.

    What did I do? Meditate, block all social media. Have not blocked his number yet. Probably, I should just to be safe. Just act on my paper. Later I’ll do the folding for my clean laundry.

  • Dating Emotionally Unavailable People

    Damn frustrated these few days towards a certain guy. It’s getting messy, and I don’t like messy. Enough with trying to fight for myself at work and other things. I don’t want to waste my energy on a relationship that is supposed to be my source of peace, security and comfort; but instead contributed to stress, anxiety and agony. Here’s a few initial thoughts on relationship dynamics with unavailable people and why I am with this kind of person:

    • I choose this because I don’t have a great relationship with myself
    • It’s the anxious and avoidance relationship dance – push pull till it ends
    • It’s a reflection of my childhood trauma – cause my parents don’t love me enough
    • Codependency – again from childhood trauma
    • Fear of abandonment – that I want this to work out so that it proves that I’m lovable, and people won’t leave me, like my first boyfriend did
    • I just did not know any better

    So these were my initial thoughts on this in relation to myself and my experiences. I judged myself brutally and wanted to change immediately. Because I feel that it might be me that is problematic, not the other person. So I started to sort this out internally, discovering who I am, facing my shadows and etcetera. I tried to make things right by expressing my needs, but also aware of his limitations. I minimise myself to make him comfortable. Often, being me, I can tolerate for a while, and as I discover myself more and what I deserved and liked, I asked for what I need. What frustrates me is that, he is not putting sufficient effort into it, while I am trying like crazy to contain my frustration so as to not trigger him. It is my fault also for not showing how I feel inside authentically – another kind of manipulation. I understand that he is having a hard time right now, but hey, is it too much to ask for being heard for just a minute and for him to acknowledge my existence or this relationship? It’s just so unbelievable and hard for me to accept that, someone who claims that he ‘loves’ me would ignore and neglect me like that. Because, I, for sure won’t do that. Even if I’m busy, I would communicate about it and follow through within a few hours.

    I blamed myself for a long time, and wasted so much energy holding my emotions back and trying to make things grow. The initial thoughts that I listed earlier, I challenged every single one of them and have somewhat addressed and acknowledged. What I know now for sure, it definitely is not me. There is something seriously wrong with this man. No matter what I do, he will always be like this. Do I want to spend more years in agony like this? While I can use this time and energy to meet more people, to at least have an opportunity to find a man that is really into me and could offer the world to me. I deserve a satisfying and fulfilling love – that is my source of comfort, security, peace and happiness. It is hard sometimes because when I am not frustrated, I tend to be carried away and not being sensitive with all the red flags of unavailable man. I know I still have so much inner work to do. One step at a time. For now, appreciate life, keep focusing on getting to know myself and create my own story of a meaningful life.

    Oh Allah, I seek your help, as always, to please guide me and protect me from those who are there to take advantage of me, not to care and value me.

  • Watching ‘Love Is Blind’ from A Different Lense

    Last night, I binged watched the TV series ‘Love Is Blind’. I turned it on because that’s a comfortable series to turn on while I do my chores and not to miss much of the plots.

    Soon enough I found out that I was rooting for a couple Brett and Tiffany. They have solid relationship, and they are both two amazing people.

    As I watched along the series, nearing towards their wedding, I see many kinds of relationships. The dynamics between a couple and how they relate with each other. It’s so much an eye opener to me when I understand the underlying reasons behind each behaviour and approach towards relationship.

    I even notice my unhealthy pattern in some relationships – it was really ugly when I came to realise it. I love how Chelsea always brave enough to come up with tough conversation and speaks her mind. Tiffany and Brett are 100% top notch. Bliss, putting aside her ego for the man she loves. It’s just made it so much clearer for me on what kind of relationship I am looking for. I was also actively looking for my man’s pattern and dynamics. Sometimes I feel like we are the same person, with same temperament; only that I have more courage to pursue what I want and to be myself. Mine would be a bit like Chelsea and Kwame – and Marshall and Jackie. At times, I found myself behaving like Jackie. I want to change that.

    Brett is like my dream guy. I was also looking out on clues on what it takes to meet and be with a man like Brett – like what characters in Tiffany that I could learn from. It made me sad, too, cause she is so bubbly and warm, just expressive and lively – while I believe my authentic self is more reserved and dark. I just enjoy things, express myself and have fun in a different way. Despite of that, I can feel Tiffany is a fighter. Maybe I am more of Chelsea, more reserved kind.

    Watching the ladies picking up their wedding dresses made me wonder, will I ever gonna experience that in my life. I shook it away, I will have the opportunity when the time comes. I will have a partner to come home to and to build with when the time comes. Now I understand why having fulfilling relationship really is a skill.

  • Lessons from Dr Jonice Webb’s 10 Days Awareness Challenge

    I subscribed to Dr Jonice Webb’s work in Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) which I came across in the early stages of my realisation that there was something wrong with me, sometime in 2018. I related to it instantly and bought 2 of her books. The emails she sent weekly at first triggered my past hurt. But over time I don’t know when, I stopped taking it personally and started to read them with an open heart and mind.

    So, recently, she created this 10 Days Awareness Challenge for free. I immediately signed up without hesitation, and followed through along with my own time. If any of you are interested to find out what it is all about, you can enroll yourself by going to this link here.

    My main learning out of this are the 10 affirmations that I could use to reparent myself (these are my favourites) and three steps that I can do to begin my CEN healing. The video of the affirmations is available on YouTube, here on this link. Such an important link. I would like to write to her one day on how much burden she had lifted from me, from all the feeling of unworthiness and consistent gloom and doom feeling.

    Back to the affirmations, the 10 main affirmations to reparent myself that I could use are:

    • No feelings are bad, it’s what I do with them
    • It’s only a feeling, I can handle this
    • Pay attention to this feeling, it matters
    • My parents can’t give me what they don’t have
    • I can do this
    • Stop with the self-doubt – it is not helpful
    • I’ve proven myself before, and Icould definitely prove myself again
    • It’s just a skill, and I could learn it
    • Asking for help is a sign of strength
    • I am not responsible for the things I cannot control – I’m not in charge of the whole world, let it go!

    The good thing is, it affirms me that I have already started healing because I use some the affirmations myself consistently. I wish I could cut and paste these affirmations somewhere in my brain for quick access whenever I am feeling inadequate.

    Another thing that I learnt from this awareness challenge is to practice these three things to heal my CEN. Those are (as in my notes):

    • Learn everything I can about CEN
    • Change my relationship with my emotions and feelings – it is valuable, tells me something about myself, holding good or bad memory about something, warning, information, message of something that I need – be curious about my feelings
    • Start paying attentions to my feelings – do this drill 3 times a day. Close my eyes – turn inwards, ask myself what am I feeling right now? – feel the feelings in my belly, chest, throat or in my head.

    It feels so good that I can now see another move forward in healing my childhood trauma. Please have a go at the challenge, who knows it might change your view about yourself and ultimately your life.

  • You are the By-product of the People You Surround Yourself with

    Taken by my friend, when I saw this photo, I saw myself as a different woman!

    One of the things I appreciate the most these days is having close friends who see me in the best lights despite of my flaws.

    Growing up consistently feeling not good enough despite of being raised in a socially well and respected family, attended one of the best schools in the country, receiving the best education, done this and that at national and international level, I often question what am I doing with my life even though things are quite smooth and steady at that moment. Imagine, if everything is stripped off of you, the wealth, the fitness, the youth and beauty, your careers, your family or spouse – everything that signifies status in today’s society – what is left for you as a dignified human being? For years, I was feeling worthless because I cling to these things to validate my existence and self-worth.

    My confidence and self-appreciation grew when I received positive validation like feedback from my peers at the gym as instructor, my friends who value me, like how is it possible that they see me like that. The only person that did not see how awesome I was, was myself. I am my worst critique due to how my parents taught me growing up, and because of the competitive nature at school – I never was the best in any category, and people abandoned me, so I figured I didn’t have anything special to have people sticking around by my side.

    As I focused inwardly, I started to understand more what really mattered for me. Having friends or surrounding myself with the people that see my light and the value I bring to the world, makes me value and respect myself more; and that all of us, our path, each of us is special, regardless of what the society or the ‘norms’ tells us. Thank you, my dear friends, for showing me who I am, and to myself, for believing that I am worthy and that I am good enough.

  • What I Want in A Man

    Secret is out – I actually have a list and story of my ideal dream man that I would like to settle down with. The list is exhaustive with the characteristics and behavioural traits, his interests, physique, financial and career choice, as well as our ideal activities, communication and interaction as a couple.

    I might not find him in this lifetime, but I’m all set and dreaming about it makes me feel excited and wanting to improve myself so that I could be at par and be compatible with and desirable to this man.

    Today, while looking at the list, I thought something was missing. I thought to myself, should I meet this man, but if he has the immaturity and not in tune with himself as a person; all of these might not matter. Everyone can be interesting if he or she invests in any activity, adventurous or not. Beauty and physique can be altered and shaped over time.

    The essence of my dream man, additionally, is that, to me, it is important that he knows who he is at his core, has his own purpose in life, unswayed by what happens around him, does not have the herd mentality. Courageous and brave to get what he wants and protect what is his. And if he decides to be my partner, I expect openness, vulnerability and compassion to accept and love me as I am. I really could not find the word to express this part of a man yet – but I want someone who did his work, know how to separate his actions, is it trauma response, or is it what he wants because it aligns with his value. I guess this is really what I need to be a free being in my full essence as a woman.

    I remember telling a friend, that I feel that I have not figure out what I want from a man or what I want in a relationship. I don’t 100% know yet, but I feel I’m getting there, and I’m ready to receive when I finally meet him. OK, gotta rewrite my list!