Day 8 – 28/10/2023
Woke up today and noticed that I started to dream about him. This is the most dreaded phase of breaking up with him. Still ruminating and tried to justify and find out what I did – how would it look like to him. Well it did not matter anyways. I was being true to myself and he also had demonstrated how incapable he was in loving me the way I need – or probably his lack of interests in doing so.
Many times, I assure myself that my mind and body is adjusting to new norms where I don’t have to think are be prepared for his contacts all the time. It is going to be ok. I have to try rewire and replace them with something else. I also was quite in a funk since yesterday. But did some exercise to ease my stress and anxiety. It is going to be ok.
Day 7 – 27/10/2023
A little less sad today, just feeling of guilt for not being sensitive of his feelings when I pushed him away. It is what it is, and thinking about it would not help me to move forward. I don’t want to reach out as well, it might be overturned like before.
The Instagram is full of contents about relationships and coupledom, it stresses me out sometimes. My upper body is just sore, my classes are not performing well which will affect my income. I just don’t feel like working on myself at the moment. But things need to get done, my studies, my work and all. I am just overall feel a bit disappointed with life, and with myself.
Just be patient. Be alive and do my best to support and help myself. I am so tired. I just want to cry and sleep today.
Day 6 – 26/10/2023
Yesterday I woke up panicked again. Don’t know why am I like this. Anyway, yesterday I was curious if he still follows my friend. I was hurt to figure out that I was blocked too and he unfollowed my friend. He didn’t delete all the posts about me though. Well thank you for making it easier for me. I love him so much, that’s why I am so hurt and affected by this. But I can’t continue endure being treated like I don’t matter. I was emotionally tired and heartbroken yesterday.
Today I just want to be, I don’t want to fix or ponder about anything. Life goes on.
Day 4 – 24/10/2023
Woke up feeling good. I actually got up early before my alarm clock set off. I realised that I panicked less in the morning now. OMG such was the effect of the relationship to me. Cause I was consistently waiting.
However, later near afternoon I was feeling vulnerable and cried for a while. Yeah let it go! Feeling a lot better today.
Day 3 – 23/10/2023
Feeling bumped that my front headlamp for the car is not working again. Saw some rat bounced off of my car last night. I hope the wiring wasn’t messed by it. The weather is crazy hot today.
This morning I woke up feeling better. By afternoon I am feeling empty. That’s just the void for being so used to worrying and waiting for his contacts that’s just gonna happen once or twice a month. I was feeling guilty for cutting things off with him like that after all we’ve been through. But realising what I wasted my time on, I am more convinced that I did the right thing.
Day 2 – 22/10/2023
Woke up super early and felt so fresh. It’s just a nice feeling and light. Received updates from my PT client and got a potential new client. Morning started great.
Still processing my feelings out of all this. Wondering if I was being mean. But I still stand that I needed to do that to protect myself. I need to move on and never get back to the mean and hurtful cycle. Why was he so mean to me, I don’t know the answer. And I don’t care anymore. I just want to set myself free. No doubt, still, I am feeling scared of loneliness. Like, will I ever meet and fall in love and be in a relationship again. It’s a phase, I need to be patient.
Scrolled my phone checking for notifications. I got so used to checking out if I got messages from him and then checked his profile out for signs if he’s doing anything. Now it feels weird that I don’t have to anymore. And just now I sang love songs and I used to think of him, now I need to replace that memory. It’s a bit sad, but life has to go on. I’m not mean, I’m just standing up for myself.
I used to loathe all the couples posts on Instagram because I am jealous and I wanted what they had. Now, I should change my perspective and see them as inspiration for how my next relationship would be. It’s like learning and informative post. But not gonna deny that some posts are just cringe.
And a random thought just came through, like, what if cutting ties with him is the final step for me to get that breakthrough. Cause everything else is aligned with what I wanted, except for my love relationship. I’m looking forward what’s coming up next.
Day 1 – 21/10/2023
Writing this to remind myself why I should not respond to any more advances from him and to document and journal how am I dealing and coping with all this mess. No dating for a whole year – that is the contract. Not sure yet how often would I write in this log. It is okay. I’ll write as necessary.
How I feel today? Utter sadness, anger and betrayal, cried for hours in the afternoon. Now is just feeling emotionally exhausted and numb.
What did I do? Meditate, block all social media. Have not blocked his number yet. Probably, I should just to be safe. Just act on my paper. Later I’ll do the folding for my clean laundry.