So low energy and my anxiety and overwhelm level just shoot up. I am generally upset and feeling so disappointed with life. Like, it is really hard to help myself. I am just frustrated and feeling overwhelmed at the moment. Don’t know what else to do to make myself feel good again. My power is just out of me. Internally, I feel shit. But other people look at me with awe on all the amazing things that I did and potentially had helped them. Part of the things that contribute to it is triggered by people:
- family stuff – attending meetings on things I don’t care about
- other people’s indecision
- having to reach out to someone and not knowing what to request
- i feel like my soul is out of my body – is this fatigue or what? but still I need to function and communicate with people
- feeling down and helpless because I can’t have nice meals
- anger and sadness from break up despite of knowing I did the right thing for myself
- guilt on pending stuffs – painting work, and one at shell station – conference paper to publish
- overwhelming shame to settle what I need to do
Today’s negativity might be caused by my fear of letting other people down and/or making other people feel uncomfortable. When will I be comfortable in putting myself first, I don’t know. Why life is so busy and complicated? I just want to live in peace and I don’t care if I become someone important or not. I am so tired of doing and working. Today’s world is so stupid, reliance on money for sustainability, stupid family system and stupid men unfit to become a reliable committed partner. Today, I feel so helpless, like there’s no point of trying anymore. I just don’t have the energy. I just want to sit down and cry. Despite of all the good and courageous things I did, why am I unable to appreciate and be happy with myself? What is the meaning of my existence? What am I good for? I am just gonna bawl my eyes out crying and get ready to work later. So tired and I’m just angry at everything and myself.