Damn frustrated these few days towards a certain guy. It’s getting messy, and I don’t like messy. Enough with trying to fight for myself at work and other things. I don’t want to waste my energy on a relationship that is supposed to be my source of peace, security and comfort; but instead contributed to stress, anxiety and agony. Here’s a few initial thoughts on relationship dynamics with unavailable people and why I am with this kind of person:
- I choose this because I don’t have a great relationship with myself
- It’s the anxious and avoidance relationship dance – push pull till it ends
- It’s a reflection of my childhood trauma – cause my parents don’t love me enough
- Codependency – again from childhood trauma
- Fear of abandonment – that I want this to work out so that it proves that I’m lovable, and people won’t leave me, like my first boyfriend did
- I just did not know any better
So these were my initial thoughts on this in relation to myself and my experiences. I judged myself brutally and wanted to change immediately. Because I feel that it might be me that is problematic, not the other person. So I started to sort this out internally, discovering who I am, facing my shadows and etcetera. I tried to make things right by expressing my needs, but also aware of his limitations. I minimise myself to make him comfortable. Often, being me, I can tolerate for a while, and as I discover myself more and what I deserved and liked, I asked for what I need. What frustrates me is that, he is not putting sufficient effort into it, while I am trying like crazy to contain my frustration so as to not trigger him. It is my fault also for not showing how I feel inside authentically – another kind of manipulation. I understand that he is having a hard time right now, but hey, is it too much to ask for being heard for just a minute and for him to acknowledge my existence or this relationship? It’s just so unbelievable and hard for me to accept that, someone who claims that he ‘loves’ me would ignore and neglect me like that. Because, I, for sure won’t do that. Even if I’m busy, I would communicate about it and follow through within a few hours.
I blamed myself for a long time, and wasted so much energy holding my emotions back and trying to make things grow. The initial thoughts that I listed earlier, I challenged every single one of them and have somewhat addressed and acknowledged. What I know now for sure, it definitely is not me. There is something seriously wrong with this man. No matter what I do, he will always be like this. Do I want to spend more years in agony like this? While I can use this time and energy to meet more people, to at least have an opportunity to find a man that is really into me and could offer the world to me. I deserve a satisfying and fulfilling love – that is my source of comfort, security, peace and happiness. It is hard sometimes because when I am not frustrated, I tend to be carried away and not being sensitive with all the red flags of unavailable man. I know I still have so much inner work to do. One step at a time. For now, appreciate life, keep focusing on getting to know myself and create my own story of a meaningful life.
Oh Allah, I seek your help, as always, to please guide me and protect me from those who are there to take advantage of me, not to care and value me.