Tag: feminine woman

  • Submitted My Thesis and I Don’t Feel Good About It

    So, I managed to submit my thesis 2 days ago. It was among the most intense days in my life. Prior, I just numb myself with coffee I think it has been for months – I actually bought the 1 litre Zus coffee so that I can stay awake during the day to work on my thesis. I really hated doing that, because I had to sacrifice my well-being to this thing. It was the hardest thing ever. I didn’t really procrastinate – my body and brain just did not cooperate because I was consistently under fatigue, and on weekends I have got other commitments. Covering classes, too, did take a toll on my body. I just couldn’t do it anymore.

    My deadline was on Tueday, 24 June. I already put on my emergency survival mode a week before like day to day looking at the thesis and busting my brains out how to think and write. I really felt stupid like, questioning am I even doing the right thing. I was really under so much pressure. I didn’t want to skip training as it’s the only thing that keeps me positive and sane these days. However, my body couldn’t cope doing both if I have so much work to do. I wonder how it would be once I have started doing projects for others. I want to keep my life soft and calm, as it should be. It kind of amazes me how my brain works so well under so much pressure – I was like finding solutions how to make my writing faster all the time, during shower, driving to work and all in betweens. It is so exhausting and frustrating at the same time that I don’t have anyone to lean on during these times.

    After submitting my thesis, I fell sick and still am today. It would be nice if my man was around or at least check on me if I am okay. At times like these, I really wish it would have been someone else who could care, be around and love me the way I want to be loved and cared for. Deep inside, I feel that he will never be that man, until he has healed himself and have the courage to be honest with himself and do the right thing. However, I am just human and I don’t know what’s the future is going to bring – so I still am holding on some hope here. I know it’s not beyond me, and I deserve that kind of love. Only time and fate will tell. It hurts and I feel sad because I have been all alone in sickness and in health – always caring for others, but no one cares for me. Please God, if it’s not him, send me someone who can and want to love me right.

    Nothing feels good today. The world is getting crazier, economy sucks, and I still have to deal with idiots and ignorant people. This is how it feels like when my body crashes after putting on my survival gear for weeks. I so am not going to do it again. Now, I have to really be deliberate how I spend my time and who get to have my energy. Don’t get too attached with anyone. People only appreciate me when I am beneficial to them, and when I match their ideals. I pray that I would find someone who appreciate me with all my good and bad traits – even if they found that I am not someone that they thought I would be. I am feeling so sick. I should go make a cup of chamomile tea and watch sappy movies to calm down and release my emotions.

  • Valentine’s Day

    I am a sucker for Valentine’s Day. If I am in a relationship, and we are not celebrating – that’s like not celebrating love. So, I had everything all planned out what to do on Valentine’s Day. It fell on Friday and I taught double classes that day. I wore all pink to class. After class, I dropped by the usual shop I go to, to get a Valentine rose for me. It was nice also that the ladies from gym treated me with Dunkin Donuts, I didn’t need to buy chocolates or desserts for myself.

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    Beforehand, I just came across with really wise relationship content by Lewis Howes which I am going to share here. First one it talks about 5 wounds from childhood trauma that need to be addressed to be in a healthy relationship. To cut short, these wounds are:

    1. Rejection wound
    2. Abandonment wound
    3. Shame/humiliation wound
    4. Treason/betrayal wound
    5. Injustice/unfairness wound

    Martha happens to be an eldest sister and pretty much had same wounds with me, especially the fixer helper stuff. I can totally relate to what she had faced. So seeing her ending up with a very healthy man in relating with others, made me feel so happy and hopeful. The next video, she talks about the key elements from her perspective, to have a great relationship.

    What I took the most from this conversation is that we all often have distorted view on what romantic relationship should look, be and feel like based on movies and the feel good happily-ever-after stuffs. But yeah, I definitely want to be with someone I have good friendship, passion and chemistry with and also someone that I am madly attracted to; however, it’s not enough to build a lasting healthy relationship. She talked about her relationship acronyms BALANCCCED:

    • Be your authentic self. Be yourself. Get to know yourself. Get to know how you do like to be loved and how do you like to love.
    • Acceptance. Accept the other person for who they are. Take time to know the other person. See if values, vision and lifestyle match with yours.
    • Laughter. Have lots of them. Joy, play, appreciation of one another.
    • Allowance. Flexibility in allowing another person to make mistakes and living their own human experience, freedom to choose how one lives his life. Make the other person feel safe by allowing the person be his own authentic being and not trying to change him to make you feeling safe and secure.
    • Nurture. Have a nurturing life separate from partner’s
    • Commitment to the vision of the relationship
    • Compassion. When somebody is being vulnerable, see them as the wounded inner child and have some compassion for them.
    • Curiosity. Approach conversation with curiosity. Avoid inclination to assume the worst or that someone is out to get you.
    • Education. Educate yourself on who your partner is. Their inner child wounds, incidents when they were hurt in the past, their past lives, struggles, and compassion to understand. Care to know the specific things the other person needs. Personal growth.
    • Dios. Or God. Solidifies and binds all the things together.

    And the last one with Jillian, so much sense in this one. The key points I take from here are:

    • Your relationship reflects the relationship you have with yourself
    • Relationship killer – 1) not knowing how to manage chronic stress (so guilty of this!), 2) taking relationship for granted, 3) not knowing how to have difficult conversation on boundaries, expressing needs, vision, mistakes etc
    • Take time to get to know someone before deciding to commit – am I feeling safe, seen, free to express myself as I am, respected, accepted and appreciated?
    • Women do not need to be rescued. We can save ourselves by having confidents and self-worth – having the strength and courage to face own problems
    • Don’t fixate yourself to change the other person – no one likes being asked to change. It has to come from the other person. Give them the opportunity to work on their own struggles. Demands are like building a cage to the other person to make you feel safe. Sense of safety should come from within, not from other person or circumstances.

    I learn a lot in one day. Most of all to believe the information you are seeing and receiving from the other person as it is, not seeing from a place of potential from your perspective. Don’t add, don’t subtract.

    The right person will know how to hold your love. The right person will choose you just as deeply you choose them. You will not have to quiet the way you care. You will never feel like you are too much. You will not have to beg for the love you deserve. One day, you will be met where you are. One day, you will be someone’s favourite person and you will not feel confused. You will not feel like fighting for someone who is not fighting for you. One day, you will understand that it never mattered, how tightly you held on to the wrong people, or how intensely you tried. The right people were always going to stay.

    @rainbowsalt

    What’s for me, will be with me. Cheers to that, just focus on what I want to develop at the moment and enjoy my solitary life. Happy Valentine’s Day to me. I love you.

  • Vulnerable

    This track accompanied me at my most vulnerable moment where I needed to be strong and courageous. Mixed emotions. In the midst of dealing with pain from heartbreak, soldier through with the need to rest and work and feeling fear of my safety travelling alone. It’s like, survival mode 100% – no time to feel my feelings, due to the tight schedule with me dealing with my data collection work, coordinating with agencies and with enumerators. I didn’t feel like a human being at that time. On the night bus to Kunak, I feel especially weak and sad, finally feeling through my feelings in the dark. I cried only a little, but that’s okay. This song helped me to feel my humanness and the meaning of existing in this world.

    Just watched the videoclip. I don’t remember having seen it before. Kind of creepy, but really tells us we can’t turn back time. Only way is forward, and before we know it, we are leaving this planet; and that death is the only way to return. There really is no time that should be wasted.

    Return to Innocence

    Love
    Devotion
    Feeling
    Emotion

    Don’t be afraid to be weak
    Don’t be too proud to be strong
    Just look into your heart my friend
    That will be the return to yourself
    The return to innocence

    The return to innocence

    And if you want, then start to laugh
    If you must, then start to cry
    Be yourself don’t hide
    Just believe in destiny

    Don’t care what people say
    Just follow your own way
    Don’t give up and use the chance
    To return to innocence

    That’s not the beginning of the end
    That’s the return to yourself
    The return to innocence

    That’s return to innocence

  • Be the Person That I Needed the Most

    I am so tempted to pick a fight (confront misbehaviour) again! The last time we fought was in October last year. Being in a relationship with someone who is really basic at relating could be frustrating most of the times. Ultimatums will not change someone, it only showed my fickleness and that I did not really meant what I said. It is not an ideal relationship, it is not so bad but I would say it is so bland and lacking in emotional support and consistency like a healthy relationship, at least like the one that I am expecting.

    I have the tendency to lash out at someone when the person (especially that I am so comfortable with, like a boyfriend), when things are not going my way, or when the person’s responses towards me made me feel anxious; especially after I have told explicitly so many times by words and actions on the consequences. It is partly my responsibility, too, as I have chosen to be with someone that is totally inept at relating and only absorbed by his own thoughts and problems most of the times. Seeing that this behaviour is so consistent for years, I have to make a choice whether to stay or leave. Truthfully, I don’t have the energy to leave yet because I would likely have to deal with his rationale (I am just being positive here, it could be his manipulative tactics) to show that he is not at fault. He is not changing his behaviour either. He is a decent man, but so traumatised with his past experiences that it is hard to discern if he is acting out of his intention, or out of looking good to please people. Very rarely has he shown his authentic side with me. So that really makes me feel 50/50 about the relationship. It could and it could not, even after all these years.

    What lacks in this relationship is that communication consistency. Like, I share things a lot, like other women in love. I want him to know what is going on in my world, my feelings, my concerns, like how I am interested in his. When we are apart, everything just disconnects – not even a single acknowledgement of my attempt to connect. That really makes me disappointed and rejected at times. I feel like that is so inconsiderate of him for treating me that way. He does not remember dates nor wishes me on important days. It makes me wonder, does he want something real or not?

    Last week I texted him twice with no response. I don’t want to text a word more to protect my mental health. At this age, I feel like that was really stupid and lazy. Yes, he is a lazy and emotionless partner. Enough bantering and blaming him, I thought to myself, what would I do now? I decided to soak in the vulnerable feelings – feel all the feels, but quickly switch the attention back to myself, on how can I meet my own needs. My brain is full of stuff. I have to let it out or express them so that it is not cluttered in there. Talking to him makes me feel good. So when he is not around, I feel upset because I could not talk it out with my favourite person. Many times I have asked him why he do what he does. His explanation was so unsatisfactory. It is either he has not dig deep within or he is hiding something from me. I just have to find an alternate outlet. From now on, I am just going to dump everything here to empty out my mind and soothe my own emotions. I wonder if other people in a healthy or happy relationship does this as well – self-regulating themselves. It is like, for me, in a relationship, I would want to be able to share everything that makes me feel happy, upset, sad whatever, my experience of life to my partner. I want him to be my source of comfort when I worry or anxious or upset; so that I can face the hard truths of life knowing someone got my back. When these are consistently taken away from me, I feel like, staying together is pointless really as my needs have not been met when he is not around.

    Sometimes, when I am less triggered and got my logical thinking on, I thought, he is just human, as messed up as I am. He is also dealing with his own mess without involving and burdening me. If he lies to me, that is on him and has got nothing to do with me. I always have the choice. If he is being cold, I have the power to disengage. It is not about me. My life is not affected, I still am an awesome, beautiful and capable woman. My ego is bruised big time when he ignores me. I am not less worthy or unlovable deserving of a partner who treats me well with kindness and consideration and love consistently. My life still goes on as usual. I feel things, only the message is unclear as for now – maybe I am also in denial. I will not try to solve this, it is all already planned for me on Allah’s will. If we are destined to be together, we will be. For now, I will let it go, sit in with some uncomfortable feelings and surrender everything to Allah and focus with what I needed to do (which are aplenty! That is why I am so upset when I cannot talk to someone to untangle this mess.).

    Today, other than training, I really did not do anything else except eat and rest (these are necessary too). My mind told me today that maybe I don’t like myself that much today, I am unhappy about a lot of things. I fear that I might not finish my studies as things stall way too much. I missed deadlines, nobody cares on my efforts, my body hurts so much (super slow recovery) and I am short on cash again this month (another story and it is exhausting). Instead of reflecting and dealing with it, I choose to find external validation or stimulation to distract myself from my issues. On another context too, I need comfort and reassurance that things will be okay. Which I feel is kind of true. I often find myself want to punch him in the face when I am in trouble or in challenging situations and that he is not around to soothe and protect me. Instead of obsessing about his lack of presence in my life, just feel the uneasiness and unhappiness, I am on the right track. Things are moving forward, only at unexpectedly slower pace and with a lot of difficulties. Stay calm and be at peace with uncertainties. I will be okay. I am my own person, not my boyfriend’s, my parents, my siblings or anybody else. Allah got my back.

  • Be Still

    I am just feeling so overwhelmed lately especially due to the excruciatingly hot weather and that I can’t eat or drink to at least give some motivation to keep doing what I needed to get done.

    Came across an Instagram post yesterday talking about trauma in women causing them to mess up in their feminine side believing that being feminine is harmful and being more masculine will help them survive. Well that’s exactly me! Only that I realise that I’m more leaning towards my feminine side this time around.

    I have always been feminine with my joy in expressing creativity in my work. I love perfumes, nice smells and pampering myself. It’s just that being this way is deemed as lazy and unproductive by my parents and mostly by the environment around me. So, it’s me who needs to enjoy and validate the feminine side of me.

    Today, I’m feeling messy because I am so exhausted I think my health is giving way because I didn’t rest, drink and eat enough. I already undereat during non-fasting month. So by eating less (not intentionally) during fasting month of course is going to set me back. It’s one of the things I need to seriously take care of.

    So much things to do, I want to make a new pair of baju raya for me also, study-wise, a lot of catching up to do. It feels so out of hand for me already. Things for book publisher, for my supervisor, for my data collection. My work is fine and I’m so grateful for it. Only that I have so much pending projects to do which I have no clue yet how am I gonna finish them. My mom expects me to help her so does my grandma. I was also a bit anxious cause my man is not responding to my call for connection. So that agitated me a bit. Good grief that we have delivered the new BodyPump release at the gym, so that lighten the load for myself a little bit.

    I realised that though what I’ve been doing is for my future (hopefully!), I feel that I’m not doing enough for me, to make time doing what makes me feel good, what makes me feel alive and happy – to express myself. So despite of pressure to move things forward, I just decided not to do anything and relax, focus on myself.

    What I like about me this year is that I stuck with my financial system that I managed to control my spending and actually saved some money for myself. Though I still have a long way to go, I feel optimistic with the way I handled it. I want to learn more about money and relate better with it.

    I also becoming better at caring and standing up for myself, doing what I want to do versus doing what people expect me to do. For that, I wanna thank and pat myself at the back for such good work. Omg, this was so not me just 4 years ago!

    You are doing great Nurul. You are not behind, you are exactly where you want to be. Now let’s get ready to spend the day for myself that is to make baju raya instead of just doing study work and worrying about them!

  • Dating Emotionally Unavailable People

    Damn frustrated these few days towards a certain guy. It’s getting messy, and I don’t like messy. Enough with trying to fight for myself at work and other things. I don’t want to waste my energy on a relationship that is supposed to be my source of peace, security and comfort; but instead contributed to stress, anxiety and agony. Here’s a few initial thoughts on relationship dynamics with unavailable people and why I am with this kind of person:

    • I choose this because I don’t have a great relationship with myself
    • It’s the anxious and avoidance relationship dance – push pull till it ends
    • It’s a reflection of my childhood trauma – cause my parents don’t love me enough
    • Codependency – again from childhood trauma
    • Fear of abandonment – that I want this to work out so that it proves that I’m lovable, and people won’t leave me, like my first boyfriend did
    • I just did not know any better

    So these were my initial thoughts on this in relation to myself and my experiences. I judged myself brutally and wanted to change immediately. Because I feel that it might be me that is problematic, not the other person. So I started to sort this out internally, discovering who I am, facing my shadows and etcetera. I tried to make things right by expressing my needs, but also aware of his limitations. I minimise myself to make him comfortable. Often, being me, I can tolerate for a while, and as I discover myself more and what I deserved and liked, I asked for what I need. What frustrates me is that, he is not putting sufficient effort into it, while I am trying like crazy to contain my frustration so as to not trigger him. It is my fault also for not showing how I feel inside authentically – another kind of manipulation. I understand that he is having a hard time right now, but hey, is it too much to ask for being heard for just a minute and for him to acknowledge my existence or this relationship? It’s just so unbelievable and hard for me to accept that, someone who claims that he ‘loves’ me would ignore and neglect me like that. Because, I, for sure won’t do that. Even if I’m busy, I would communicate about it and follow through within a few hours.

    I blamed myself for a long time, and wasted so much energy holding my emotions back and trying to make things grow. The initial thoughts that I listed earlier, I challenged every single one of them and have somewhat addressed and acknowledged. What I know now for sure, it definitely is not me. There is something seriously wrong with this man. No matter what I do, he will always be like this. Do I want to spend more years in agony like this? While I can use this time and energy to meet more people, to at least have an opportunity to find a man that is really into me and could offer the world to me. I deserve a satisfying and fulfilling love – that is my source of comfort, security, peace and happiness. It is hard sometimes because when I am not frustrated, I tend to be carried away and not being sensitive with all the red flags of unavailable man. I know I still have so much inner work to do. One step at a time. For now, appreciate life, keep focusing on getting to know myself and create my own story of a meaningful life.

    Oh Allah, I seek your help, as always, to please guide me and protect me from those who are there to take advantage of me, not to care and value me.

  • Watching ‘Love Is Blind’ from A Different Lense

    Last night, I binged watched the TV series ‘Love Is Blind’. I turned it on because that’s a comfortable series to turn on while I do my chores and not to miss much of the plots.

    Soon enough I found out that I was rooting for a couple Brett and Tiffany. They have solid relationship, and they are both two amazing people.

    As I watched along the series, nearing towards their wedding, I see many kinds of relationships. The dynamics between a couple and how they relate with each other. It’s so much an eye opener to me when I understand the underlying reasons behind each behaviour and approach towards relationship.

    I even notice my unhealthy pattern in some relationships – it was really ugly when I came to realise it. I love how Chelsea always brave enough to come up with tough conversation and speaks her mind. Tiffany and Brett are 100% top notch. Bliss, putting aside her ego for the man she loves. It’s just made it so much clearer for me on what kind of relationship I am looking for. I was also actively looking for my man’s pattern and dynamics. Sometimes I feel like we are the same person, with same temperament; only that I have more courage to pursue what I want and to be myself. Mine would be a bit like Chelsea and Kwame – and Marshall and Jackie. At times, I found myself behaving like Jackie. I want to change that.

    Brett is like my dream guy. I was also looking out on clues on what it takes to meet and be with a man like Brett – like what characters in Tiffany that I could learn from. It made me sad, too, cause she is so bubbly and warm, just expressive and lively – while I believe my authentic self is more reserved and dark. I just enjoy things, express myself and have fun in a different way. Despite of that, I can feel Tiffany is a fighter. Maybe I am more of Chelsea, more reserved kind.

    Watching the ladies picking up their wedding dresses made me wonder, will I ever gonna experience that in my life. I shook it away, I will have the opportunity when the time comes. I will have a partner to come home to and to build with when the time comes. Now I understand why having fulfilling relationship really is a skill.

  • You are the By-product of the People You Surround Yourself with

    Taken by my friend, when I saw this photo, I saw myself as a different woman!

    One of the things I appreciate the most these days is having close friends who see me in the best lights despite of my flaws.

    Growing up consistently feeling not good enough despite of being raised in a socially well and respected family, attended one of the best schools in the country, receiving the best education, done this and that at national and international level, I often question what am I doing with my life even though things are quite smooth and steady at that moment. Imagine, if everything is stripped off of you, the wealth, the fitness, the youth and beauty, your careers, your family or spouse – everything that signifies status in today’s society – what is left for you as a dignified human being? For years, I was feeling worthless because I cling to these things to validate my existence and self-worth.

    My confidence and self-appreciation grew when I received positive validation like feedback from my peers at the gym as instructor, my friends who value me, like how is it possible that they see me like that. The only person that did not see how awesome I was, was myself. I am my worst critique due to how my parents taught me growing up, and because of the competitive nature at school – I never was the best in any category, and people abandoned me, so I figured I didn’t have anything special to have people sticking around by my side.

    As I focused inwardly, I started to understand more what really mattered for me. Having friends or surrounding myself with the people that see my light and the value I bring to the world, makes me value and respect myself more; and that all of us, our path, each of us is special, regardless of what the society or the ‘norms’ tells us. Thank you, my dear friends, for showing me who I am, and to myself, for believing that I am worthy and that I am good enough.

  • What I Want in A Man

    Secret is out – I actually have a list and story of my ideal dream man that I would like to settle down with. The list is exhaustive with the characteristics and behavioural traits, his interests, physique, financial and career choice, as well as our ideal activities, communication and interaction as a couple.

    I might not find him in this lifetime, but I’m all set and dreaming about it makes me feel excited and wanting to improve myself so that I could be at par and be compatible with and desirable to this man.

    Today, while looking at the list, I thought something was missing. I thought to myself, should I meet this man, but if he has the immaturity and not in tune with himself as a person; all of these might not matter. Everyone can be interesting if he or she invests in any activity, adventurous or not. Beauty and physique can be altered and shaped over time.

    The essence of my dream man, additionally, is that, to me, it is important that he knows who he is at his core, has his own purpose in life, unswayed by what happens around him, does not have the herd mentality. Courageous and brave to get what he wants and protect what is his. And if he decides to be my partner, I expect openness, vulnerability and compassion to accept and love me as I am. I really could not find the word to express this part of a man yet – but I want someone who did his work, know how to separate his actions, is it trauma response, or is it what he wants because it aligns with his value. I guess this is really what I need to be a free being in my full essence as a woman.

    I remember telling a friend, that I feel that I have not figure out what I want from a man or what I want in a relationship. I don’t 100% know yet, but I feel I’m getting there, and I’m ready to receive when I finally meet him. OK, gotta rewrite my list!

  • Generational Trauma

    It’s Raya Haji once again, I joined the family for our raya visits to my parents’ kampung. The first trip was really something to me, where we went to visit my Dad’s oldest cousin (only one alive, all of his siblings passed away) to return a copy of a big – I mean it’s really enormous in depth tracing back to the link to the origin of Islamic rulers ages ago. There were 2 things that I got out of this: my lineage and heritage; and the origin of my Dad’s character or may I say trauma.

    From what the elderly told us, this was the story that had been passed down, is that, we had our ancestors from other country in Sabah due to siblings rivalry and to escape execution from the ruler. That really was a survival move back then. People could not know the lineage, or risked being killed.

    My ancestors were directly related to a certain royalty family, and they often found themselves being sent to places as enforcer (one could say that they were stationed there to kill/execute people that was ordered by the ruler). So a lot of feuds and injustices happened, resulting them to flee and settled down here in Sabah.

    I knew this story before but it slipped my memory. My ancestors were literally the seafarers of the Borneo island also like maritime enforcement during their time. I guess that is why I am so feisty and adventurous (I know my Dad is like this too). Being fed with these adventures since I was little really planted some ideas in me!

    I remembered my Dad was proudly telling us a story, whenever we visited the kampung where it happened, that, our great great great grandfather scooped out the eyeballs of pirates in captivity at a jetty where he pointed. I guess from there he had this scavenger mentality and always on the lookout of harm and danger. My grandfather was a policeman and a lot of his relatives work or worked as an enforcer themselves. The cousin of my Dad’s whom we visited also managed to slip in how our ancestors were killing other people caused of racial war, and how they needed to bury their possessions that showed their original identities to survive. For their generation, this was what masculinity is all about, savagely protecting their turf, being ruthlessly brave, be an explorer – on a positive side, they were patriotic and dutiful to their rulers until there were the need to rebel and flee. I am still processing all of this, and on how it shaped my environment and upbringing growing up.

    I believe, my late grandfather who was in service as a policeman kind of feeling undeserving of his role knowing his lineage. From what I know from my interaction with him, he was a gentle man, not much words and loved gardening. I would not know he was a policeman back then because he was so kind and so proud of us. He taught my Dad on humility – he said, “Ular menyusur akar, tidak akan hilang biasanya.” (A poisonous snake won’t lose it’s poison even if it had to slither on the lowest ground in between of tree roots). Basically, your worth, talent, lineage – what ever good things about you will not lose even if you have to endure hardest times or circumstances. Another way to look at it, no need to brag to get people’s validation based on worldly views of status, we know our own worth and abilities and it will always be with us that no one can take away from. So that was a piece of wisdom from him.

    I realised how survival was really central and it was a serious deal – do or die kind of thing back then. Without their struggle, I would not be here today writing my blog entry from the comfort of my couch all provided by my parents. And to acknowledge that my lineage traced back to very respectable people who made histories made me realise how valuable I am. I must treat myself like a treasure and fight for myself like how my ancestors fight for their family.

    My Dad did not share much on his interactions with his siblings or his late mom (other than often being scolded, pinched and punished – tough love). So I figured, that was the identity that he relates to himself the most and that was what that had shaped him today. Knowing this I feel sorry for him, but also seek to explore how I should navigate my interaction with him. We may not be aligned, but he is still my Dad who worked hard to provide for me and I just prayed one day we could figure out how to be at peace with each other before it’s too late.

    Yeah, that was a lot coming out from a raya visit. I’m glad I had joined my family and ate good food, rather than staying at home miserable with piles of work waiting to get done.