Life has been moving so fast these past 4 weeks. It’s mid-October already. I’m trying to get back to slower pace of life. Recently bagged myself new clients and new job, connected with new people. Coping with the ‘new’-ness of my man’s behaviour. It’s all too much for me without processing and without much support. There were good things and maybe not bad but these things trigger my insecurity a lot especially in the financial aspects of which I am seriously building on. I am also feeling so ill today, my body is giving way and there’s no one here to comfort me (well I can always go home to my parents, but it’s my recharge day!).
Feeling so vulnerable and the fact that I can’t spend time and share it with my man makes me feel hopeless. Also, makes me question the whole ‘us’ thing. I wonder if he’s thinking about me as often as I do of him. This guy really makes me crazy sometimes, but yeah I just need to be myself and tell him how I feel eventhough it might drive him away. I don’t know if his act of keep coming back to me is because he genuinely loves me or just caused by something superficial. I am just generally anxious because I don’t know how to address it.
Anyways, today I planned to go see my painting to resume and have a look at them. But my body is just so exhausted, thank God I don’t feel sore a lot because I went to train. I’m just feeling inflamed and undernourished. I don’t know what else to do other than eat, lying in bed and watch movie. I watched the movie ‘Eternal Sunshine of A Spotless Mind’ in the afternoon. It was a great movie and so moving. I think most men in my life have mother issue. It’s also funny that inside, I feel so dark, and yet people see me as a ‘lively’ and ‘bubbly’ character. I related the relationships in that movie with mine, it’s like everyone has conflicts – it’s how they resolve and communicate their differences. I don’t know what to make of mine. It’s just a floating thing, sometimes okay, sometimes not. I don’t want to mother my partner, maybe deep down I just want someone else who can be a better father for me. I also learn that with wounded and introverted men, they don’t have space in their head to think about other people. It’s just their survival, sometimes, I catch myself behaving like that with things that don’t matter to me. I don’t understand this, maybe just live and do my best to make it meaningful.
Yesterday was so ‘dark’ for me, I was listening to “Kingdom of Rust” again and it’s just so beautiful about someone who’s unable to feel. When it sang “I long to feel the beauty in my heart..” I just cried. I just let it go, I wasn’t sad for any reason. Maybe its a repressed feeling. When I feel good, it’s 100% great. When I’m not it’s 100% too. Maybe living is like that. Feel it and ask myself why do I feel that way and move on. I mean, when I’m already feeling tired and ill and the weather is just crazy, it’s just hard to feel good these days. I just don’t have the strength to deal with everything right now. I’m turning 41 years old in a few days, would I stay like this till I die? I am yet to find my breakthrough. It’s hard. Small progress with finance but not stable yet, relationship-wise also small progress. I just want routine, stability and peace. Nothing else matters much to me. I thought also beforehand that I am not normal, turns out when I get to know more people, the more I see that we are all in the same boat. I am ahead if I have more awareness and initiatives than other people. So, I really am not broken. I can make things happen for me. I just need to keep trying and make mistakes until I find it.
Gosh it’s really hot in here. I have so many things to fix like my nutrition and energy level, my studies, my pending work, the things I promised my parents. How do people do it? My car is making me crazy too with all the loud noise. I am just could not see right now how I could make all these things right for me. I already put a timeline for the things I needed to do but still it’s not moving at all. I am still as sick and hungry and tired as before. Is it my work that’s making me crazy? Or is it that I am not feeling much support from the man I love? Oh Allah, please teach me how this works. I am clueless as ever. I don’t know what I can do right anymore.
I know what my mind and body is trying to tell me, it thinks that I am in danger. Only in danger of what I am not sure. Sometimes I can stay calm and just surrender to Allah, because Allah knows best, and he always helps me and be there for me. Yeah, no point feeling threatened by someone who is not capable of loving and protecting the way I want to because of his wounds himself. There’s so much frustration in me right now. Here are some of the things that made me crazy these past few days:
- Loud noise from car and recent sound system problem made my ear rang several times. I’m scared that I might turn deaf because of that.
- Got a new job teaching for a new centre, but I am not feeling myself with this job – plus it just doesn’t feel right sometimes cause I am at different wavelength with my participants and the place – I don’t know what make them feel excited in exercising – to them it is still torture, and not challenges – so maybe this one makes me stress out a bit. I am worried this gig does not last as long as I’d like it to. But lets not worry about it now.
- And the place that I currently work at is so mean, like not caring of us who work for them.
- My group exercise clients are a pain at the moment. OMG why people are so disrespectful like this. I am not gonna sugarcoat anything with them, just gonna be myself and act professional.
- I am just tired of dealing with people right now be it my clients, my employees, my family and my own partner.
- I am tired of people hitting on me when I let loose and be myself, can you all just chill and act normal.
- Stress and anxiety from pending jobs. I just feel like, if I don’t feel good about myself, if I don’t get my affairs sorted, I can’t do things for other people.
- I sensed some changes with my man, I don’t know if its good or not. He’s less defensive with me which is good. I also feel uncomfortable that he changed his style which I’m not a fan of. I like my man clean not scruffy. I don’t know yet what he is going through, only some details and it sounded like he is exhausted himself, but really nothing I can do if he would not let me.
- I hate that I still depend on my parents, like how can I let go of this dependence already. I can do this, just a little bit more.
- My research is stalling for a bit now, but this one is the least of my concern cause I know how to handle this, and I have my support.
- Classes keep cancelling, people are not showing up. I mean people have things to do, right. I am worried that my schedule got changed or reduced because of no show. This will affect my income and my ability to pay for bills.
Above all, I also don’t want to factor out that all these crazy feelings also were intensified by PMS. I dealt with so many things in a short time. I was in full on hustle and fight mode. That’s why I am so exhausted emotionally now. Many good things happened too, such as:
- I found a mechanic who could solve my car problems for now. And my mom is ok to help me with fixing costs – maybe I feel stressed because it’s as if I need to do a big favour for her if she helps me
- My income exceed RM1,000 per month now, which means I have enough bullet to add my values in teaching in fitness or even indulge a bit on nice things.
- Again, my man is less defensive so it’s really a nice progress.
- My sister, niece and nephew paid a visit to my house. It was short and so special because I get to show them my safe sanctuary.
- I get to train again. It feels so good!!! I want to get paid to train. I am going to do that for a year, and maybe sign up to become a CrossFit coach.
- I got new ear-piercings on my left ear together with my niece. It was so special and my niece was so cute with her new piercing. I just realise how big is my love for her. Made me wonder, maybe that was how my aunties were with me. I am so sorry if I appear disimissive or cold towards them. Also to my mom and my grandma who love me so much. I think my dad too, but he just could not put his guard down (like my man!).
- My dad keeps a couple of selfies I took in my younger years wearing makeup – that was so corny and sweet at the same time!
- Relaunch at the gym was nice, and some of the members like finally accepting of myself as a person, not like a perfect celebrity coach.
- I got myself checked for breast cancer and I was cleared and good. Funny experience doing mammogram and ultrasound. Kind a like, one milestone achieved as a healthy woman.
- I can sense now the validation that I am working in fitness and that I am knowledgeable about it.
I am just burnt out and not managing myself well. Things happened and just focus on what I can control. Everything I listed out is a lot for a 4 weeks occasion. At least I am alive to experience this all. I am safe, I am OK and I am taken care of. Don’t worry.