I am feeling horrible these past few weeks, despite of new positive changes I am making. I don’t know how to make the sense out of it. Emotional regulation is hard, moreover when I have to do it alone. I love myself, but there seem to be a lot of insecurities felt. What happened the last few weeks and this week?
- I made a decision to discontinue powerlifting training – it’s just now working for me for the time being. So maybe I am feeling negative because I am letting people down, and there may be potential for me to be good at this and the recognition and validation that may come out of this. I love how the training gave me strength and focus. But the time it takes to recover and potential injuries just don’t work with me right now. I am already suffocating from balancing my body with current schedule of teaching, working and training.
- I teach more classes – 2 HIIT class and 1 intermediate intensity class. So this might trigger something in my body because I have to do more preparation work and part of my resting hours is used for further exercise. I might say I feel that I only add extra 30% load on my body with this new schedule.
- I am not OK that I am ‘gaining weight’. This is really unnecessary, but can’t help feeling that cause I like to look lean and proper. It is gonna be ok. I will easily shed them off when I start training again.
- Hard to me to sleep well at night due to weather and not wanting to skyrocket the electricity bills up. Without proper sleep and rest of course, one can go crazy.
- I need better nutrition planning and preparation. So tired to cook these days. Good thing that my body works well with oatmeals and coffee, just basic things to function well. What I need to plan further is for big meals like lunch and dinner. Meat might work for me and its cheaper options for protein intake – maybe I need to include more fiber based protein. And eat more fruits and greens.
- Family relationship, I think we all are getting along better now. But still I must not give up my identity to fulfill especially what my mother wants. If she’s confused of her roles, that’s on her. Only relate when necessary and don’t overextend myself. Now she wants me to help on the little shop. It’s not hard work for me, but it’s not what I want to do and if I run it successfully, it’s likely that I will not be so much prouder of myself than what I have built now for myself.
- Closure of old stuffs from MYJN and Navy painting work. OMG still a lot to handle. Yes, I totally forgot about them.
- Maybe I need to detox from social media – just triggers my anxiety. But I need to do promotional work also. What could work is to limit my access to them.
- Love relationship is not doing well again. I am just so done to make things right for now. What is it with men. I am so confident that I don’t rely on them to make me happy. I just want to relate with the person I love so bad, maybe like I do relate with myself? Might be our depth of awareness is different? I don’t know what is happening and he is not willing to clarify himself either. Sod it. Suck it up.
- Financially insecure but I already took actions for this. It’s the unforeseen things that makes me stressed out. Like car maintenance, food cravings, also I need to upgrade my wardrobe and the things at the house.
- Technically the weather and consistent water supply disruption also bound to make me feel unsettled.
Most important thing is, what I listed are all external. I gotta respond and manage myself to them accordingly. Above all, I truly believe God is looking after me. Nothing will go wrong. I am safe. Take the plunge.