Virtually Nurul – { Research | Fitness | Designs } by Nurul

Category: Whatevs

  • Agitation

    Ever been through Sunday not feeling ready to start the new week?

    That’s exactly how am I feeling tonight. Wide awake at 2am feeling agitated that I would screw up Monday.

    Everything felt wrong. I dislike it when my routine get disrupted. Yes, I helped my family. But what about me?

    I’m also nervous about the future. Making changes here and there, getting used to new routine – and my man is just not putting effort as much as before which makes me feel anxious.

    And seriously our water supply is disrupted again. Still figuring out what to do about it. Just overall feeling insecure. I don’t like this feeling – it’s so uncomfortable. Meditated for 10 minutes, almost fell asleep but my body just wouldn’t let me. I’m just in fight mode right now. Will sit with it and try to observe it as my monkey mind and like a long train passing by.

  • Watching ‘Love Is Blind’ from A Different Lense

    Last night, I binged watched the TV series ‘Love Is Blind’. I turned it on because that’s a comfortable series to turn on while I do my chores and not to miss much of the plots.

    Soon enough I found out that I was rooting for a couple Brett and Tiffany. They have solid relationship, and they are both two amazing people.

    As I watched along the series, nearing towards their wedding, I see many kinds of relationships. The dynamics between a couple and how they relate with each other. It’s so much an eye opener to me when I understand the underlying reasons behind each behaviour and approach towards relationship.

    I even notice my unhealthy pattern in some relationships – it was really ugly when I came to realise it. I love how Chelsea always brave enough to come up with tough conversation and speaks her mind. Tiffany and Brett are 100% top notch. Bliss, putting aside her ego for the man she loves. It’s just made it so much clearer for me on what kind of relationship I am looking for. I was also actively looking for my man’s pattern and dynamics. Sometimes I feel like we are the same person, with same temperament; only that I have more courage to pursue what I want and to be myself. Mine would be a bit like Chelsea and Kwame – and Marshall and Jackie. At times, I found myself behaving like Jackie. I want to change that.

    Brett is like my dream guy. I was also looking out on clues on what it takes to meet and be with a man like Brett – like what characters in Tiffany that I could learn from. It made me sad, too, cause she is so bubbly and warm, just expressive and lively – while I believe my authentic self is more reserved and dark. I just enjoy things, express myself and have fun in a different way. Despite of that, I can feel Tiffany is a fighter. Maybe I am more of Chelsea, more reserved kind.

    Watching the ladies picking up their wedding dresses made me wonder, will I ever gonna experience that in my life. I shook it away, I will have the opportunity when the time comes. I will have a partner to come home to and to build with when the time comes. Now I understand why having fulfilling relationship really is a skill.

  • Unsettled again

    How sad it is when the only person you are comfortable updating on yourself and your day is your 6 years old niece. She is the most amazing girl in the world that I have known. I hope she continues to be that way even after the world breaks her heart – I pray that she is strong and resilient in navigating her life in the future.

    Feeling so messed up and upset today. Because I am trying to finish a website update today, but found it so stressful and time-consuming. At first, I resent my brother for asking me and rushing me to do it for free. When I dug deeper, firstly, he never said it’s for free, secondly, they have been asking for a while already. So yeah I should be responsible for this, and not to do the same mistake again. I am so out of touch for doing all this design things. It’s so frustrating.

    The other thing that bothers me is that I really dislike it when I’m not treated as if I have a choice. So this lecturer I sense that he is manipulative in his ways to get what he wants. I’m so not gonna be part of his agenda. When I declined to do what he wanted, he had the audacity to text my mom about it. So frustrating. It triggered me a lot, I felt so much hatred for my mom. Like, I don’t feel safe with her anymore. It’s like, I need help but knowing my parents it felt like I need to exchange that help with something towards their favour. The feeling of shame and guilt for receiving their help is still there. I just don’t trust my parents and my family.

    And then, I have financial issues, I mean I created them too. My wages from teaching now is exactly the amount that I had wanted, actually given more. It’s the additional commitments to pay for trainings that made me overspent, as well as impulsive eating. I’m tired of having limited choice, but I need to choose and cut back to live peacefully. If I love myself, I gotta cut back until I can earn more. Food and fuel is more important than fancy training.

    The thing about the lecturer, I chose to toughen it up, it’s not my mom’s fault. I am an adult and I have the choice to do what I want – as long as I’m still doing what’s necessary for my studies. And as for my brother’s request, I’m so gonna send him an invoice later.

    Stand up for yourself, Nurul. You got this!

  • Long Overdue Life Audit – Direction for 2023/2024

    FFA Nurul

    Ideal state: Financially stable, potentially earning at least RM3k and above, with savings on car maintenance and emergency events, manageable debt repayments. Steady stream of income and balance working on passion projects, family business and my role as a consultant after graduated from DBA program. Calm and happy.

    Driving FactorRestraining Factor
    • financially independent, not relying on my parents money (5)
    • freedom to do what I want and to be myself- peace of mind, not to worry about unpaid bills (5)
    • opportunity to contribute to my family (4)
    • realising my need to be self-sufficient (5)
    • not worrying about my car and disrupt my travels (4)
    • security when emergency happens or when I need extra money (4)
    • some resource for knowledge and skills upgrading (3)
    • I can be more available to those who matters (5)
    • I can buy more quality food to nourish my body (5)
    • life upgrades – wardrobes, home, self-care (5)
    • experience and knowledge in IT and fitness; competence in industry (3)
    • no need to invest so much to start rolling (4)
    • vast methods and opportunity to share my insights online (3)
    • access to gyms to promote my services (4)
    • physically fitter and look better than I was before (4)
    • enjoy life (5)
    • competitive (3)
    • market demands unmatched with my service and offered rate (3)
    • juggling for time (5)
    • demotivated sometimes when unable to fulfill customer needs (3)
    • limited local opportunities (4)
    • physically tired to push in getting more done (5)
    • unclear who are my target market that would value my service (5)
    • many commitments that consume time and money (4)
    • how to market my service online with just using Instagram, WhatsApp, YouTube and my website (5)
    • sometimes too overwhelmed to do anything (4)
    • basic commitments almost RM700 per month without adding on fuels and food (5)
    • no more savings (5)
    • sometimes giving in to unnecessary costs (3)
    • debts almost RM30k (4)
    • need to solve financial issue on family business (5)
    • pending work from previous years (5)
    Total: 68Total: 68

    Same tally. Ok from here, my area to develop on would be – Marketing & Branding, Sales Opportunity, Time Management, Fitness & Well-being, Finance, Business Development, Preliminary Action. Timeframe is 2 years, that is from now August 2023 to August 2025. By this time, I must already have graduated and achieved at least 60% of my ideal state – especially the finance part where I am able to pay my monthly debts and secure some money for my savings.

    Development plan for Nurul to achieve ideal state in 2 years

    Primary focus is to finish pending jobs before 2023 ends. Start earning RM900-1,000 per month first to sustain the year. If I finish all these actions by year 2024, I could potentially generate RM30,000-40,000 more by then.

    AreaActionHowTimeframe
    Marketing & BrandingFind my superpowerRead articles on authenticity, finding niche, superpower14 Aug – 1 Nov 2023
    Structure packagesOutline fitness service packages – price, options, points of contacts14 Aug – 31 Aug 2023
    Social mediaInstagram, YouTube, WhatsApp31 Aug 2023
    ChannelsWebsite, Emails 31 Aug 2023
    Determine frequency31 Aug 2023
    ContentsDetermine what kind of contents that would:
    – create awareness on fitness
    – create awareness on BodyPump
    – motivate people to improve habits to like fitness
    – introduce different kinds or trends of training
    -demonstrate knowledge and competence
    – own experience and journey    		31 Aug 2023
    Online course/PT
    Hosting and website packages marketingSEO work
    Update Tau Systems website
    Sort visibility and coverage
    PortfolioDigital kit
    Printed kit
    Structured contents
    Sales OpportunityScan consumers profile
    Perform PESTEL
    Market research
    Target people – individual, corporate, new gym members
    Approach contractors SMEs on website and email hosting services
    Create awareness – story and social media and website contents
    Time ManagementPending job at HATWKKHeli section
    Running section – face, touchup details, banner
    Chamber section – details baju, face
    Logo – left and right
    Smoothen out background    		1 Mar 2024
    Kiosk apps GrowballInterface prototype
    Workable prototype
    Presentation
    Install
    Test    		1 Mar 2024
    Business plan MYJNFramework to study profits, SWOT, business plan, recommendations, PESTLE, market research, current condition – strategy – Data pertanian DOA – food delivery
    Business kit MYJTSLogo
    Update portfolio
    Update website info
    DBA researchCorrection – ongoing
    REC approval
    Writing article journal
    Book chapter
    Data collection    		Feb 2024
    PT classes and sessionsSpecify free interchangeable slots with classes and training19 Aug 2023
    Hobby & creativesSlot one day just for myself to engage in hobbies

    UOB Art Comp     		31 Dec 2024
    31 July 2024
    Personal choresHome repairs
    Main room cleaning
    Bathroom repair
    Sink repairs
    Garden
    Dismantle double decker bed
    Relationships – family, friends and loveSchedule time to be at parents, dates and friends
    Meet family once a week    		19 Aug 2023
    31 Dec 2024
    Fitness & WellbeingTraining schedule and focusSpecify days of training and expected costs

    Schedule daily stretching to release tension    		20 Aug 2023
    Nutrition planDetermine groceries sets required and monthly costs31 Aug 2023
    CEN workFinish 10 days awareness challenge
    Do 3x a day – ask myself how am I feeling? Why am I feeling?
    Learn everything about CEN    		13-19 Aug 2023
    31 Dec 2024
    BooksFinish pending book titles
    Read list of book titles
    MindfulnessMeditation 10-20 mins daily31 Dec 2024
    FinanceStudy loanOutstanding RM14,00031 Dec 2024
    Membership debtOutstanding RM2,00031 Dec 2024
    MYJN outstanding and cashflowPlan on how to generate RM2000 – RM5000 per month15 Sept 2023
    Find extra income/jobLimit on arts, web and coding and fitness
    Accumulate savingsCar maintenance saving RM1,500 per year
    		31 Dec 2024
    Business DevelopmentMYJN new offers
    New products TS
    Create on-demand online services
    Web-apps pay per month/year
    Fitness classes
    Online PT
    Progress monitoring package
    Preliminary ActionExpand network
    Create visibilityEnhance website contents
    Use YouTube and Instagram
    SEO on website
    Prepare catalog/ deliverablesCatalog and materials for TS
    Catalog for PT
    Offer classes, purchasable printsDetermine concept and products to sell
    Find out how others do it
    Present all services to people, no reservation

    Updated 23 Jan 2024

  • Tricky August

    Two more weeks until the month ends. It has been a great one for me, yet still so many things to get done – I start to feel out of balance consistently.

    What’s great:

    • Did my DRP
    • Finally went out to visit an amazing place in Ranau – Taralamas River Canyon. I’ll write all about it in a post!
    • I am getting fitter and stronger
    • I am getting the hang of teaching BodyPump 3-4 times a week
    • Guess what, he’s back! – I am still undecided how to respond to this
    • Finally getting the company kit moving for MYJ Tau Systems SB
    • My PT client made a lot of progress in her fitness and training. So proud of her!
    • Settled MYJ Naturalle SB annual return stuff – almost missed it though
    • Made a lot of new friends from gym
    • Consistent early morning meditation before everything else daily since July

    What’s not great:

    • Pending work – the painting at the navy base
    • Nervous of the next milestone of my studies
    • I haven’t continued with MYJ Naturalle SB business plan yet
    • Web application for cinema tickets. Sigh!
    • Work still coming and piling up – I feel it is hard to catch up
    • I am still at the beck and call of my family – because I feel I gotta do it in return of their financial help
    • Added my financial commitment – I gotta work extra to make ends meet
    • Still unable to pay my study loan in full unlike before
    • My body needs more care – nutrition, stretching, sleep – I feel like it is never enough with rest
    • Eventhough he’s back, I still need to address how I feel and what I need – it unsettles me that I am ok with what he did
    • Still feeling something is off and despite of what I am doing; it still is not enough
    • I want to spend more time processing and healing my CEN trauma
    • I find it hard to sit down and relax and do the things I like such as painting

    I am especially anxious about my financial situation. Maybe I need to make the decision where I need to draw the line so that my time is used wisely that will add more value to my life. Maybe this is the process that I need to go through. To compare with last year at this time around, I am a lot better now. I have income, I think I am at my fittest and I am curious how much more and what else I can do. It’s like never ending quest to level up. I am not sure if this is healthy or not. And I am getting more aware of my triggers, the way I talk to myself. I rarely judge or put myself down anymore and it makes me so much peaceful and relaxed. The meditation practice that I do daily has helped me a lot in so many ways. I am feeling more myself and have better agency of what I want to do in line with my values. So yeah, for 2 weeks, those are a lot. I am proud of myself, I just need to slow down a bit and chill. I did enough.

  • August is here!

    It’s past half a year now. Interesting past few weeks. The highlight of last week was I felt that I felt so aligned with everything, the crowd I’m with, my activities. Though there were things that were upsetting but they were okay.

    What’s good last week – my trainings were on point. My fitness had tremendously improved, I loved how I looked. I love how the people around me were so supportive with my journey – basically had been receiving kindness from other people. That meant a lot to me. I felt that I was in the right time all in my alignment. Everything that I had worked for had finally came into fruition. But of course, stability is still far from my reach – again, someone said security is an illusion – however, I am still looking for that peace that could potentially come from stability and doing what I like in life.

    This week started out okay. Still feeling a lot of clouds – maybe it’s the extremely hot weather that sets me off. Gotta do a bit of tweaking for my DRP presentation and proposal. I just find it really hard to focus in this weather. Something needs to be done about it! A lot of exciting things are happening this week. I am living my life – it’s not as extravagant but this is my story and I love it!

  • Backdate – Emotional Housekeeping

    Where do I start? A lot has happened last week. Mixed emotions and experiences that almost triggered me into that survival mode again. Five major adjustments from my usual routines:

    1. Coordinating expo and working with my mother
    2. School friends came over for a visit and wanted to hang out
    3. A session of strength training that sent my body feeling weird
    4. Defending my stand and negotiate to undergo my DRP with my supervisors
    5. Going through my already full routines in addition to above event – I had exam, class and teaching group exercises as usual

    Discussing on event 1, it was okay at first. The folks who are supposed to be working with my plan just decided to do their own thing. And I felt that my time is not respected. It might seem that I can come up with a plan as quick as a snap of fingers, but actually all the scenarios have been thought up for days or even weeks in my head. And I know my mom was tired and she sacrificed a lot, but I am also upset that she did not stand up to her needs – and took it on us when she was overwhelmed. To some degree, I did that too when things are out of my control. It is our dynamics that concern me a lot. How do we address differences. How to communicate all these things. My brother did not seem to want to help or cooperate until my mother stepped in, and maybe manipulated him to help. So really, after all this, I really need to reconsider how I would want to be involved with my family again especially in helping them with business. A lot of reframing and boundary setting need to be outlined, so as to not exhaust myself. I am tired of putting on the self that I automatically project whenever I am with my family members. They are puppets of their insecurities without feelings, not human. If I choose to follow their flow, I will succumb to their insecurities, and be like them too. So, I need to be careful.

    Internally, I feel that I should not feel guilty, because I already communicated my availability and the stuffs I needed to deal during the event. I am not a superhuman, and I already did my best. What I am disappointed about is, all these chaos distracted me from concentrating for my exam. Partly it is also my fault, because I want to control everyone’s time to fit in mine. And turns out it was not for the best too. I also feel that I spent my time meeting my friends more than I can afford to spend. My rationale is that they are here for a short time, and I should take the opportunity to meet and catch up. Maybe situations like this triggered my critical perfectionism or I call it Rebecca that guided me to make this judgement. It really weren’t my friends’ fault. It is mine for not drawing the line.

    I am also so stressed out because of conflicts with my supervisors, it was an intense session meeting them last week. But it turned out so well after we all communicated our concerns, and we left as a team again. My supervisors really are my people. I love them so much for helping me. I pray that we could all work together well to finish my studies. That really was something positive or progress I made, because I dare to stand up for myself and voice out my needs. My DBA circles are the best people I have been with, except a few – I so can detect now who have dysfunctional tendencies and who are healthy, and who are in between.

    Other than that, I am just already physically exhausted from training. But I know this is good for my future longevity in fitness career. I am only started here, there are lots of adjustments I need to make for optimum growth for my work and my training in fitness. I got to restructure my time and recovery to fit in group fitness instructing, powerlifting training and CrossFit. Fitting in exercise, training, proper nutrition prep and recovery are really hard and takes a lot of discipline. So far, the best things and moments that are rewarding and positive to me are from fitness and my DBA studies. These are the things that I would like to keep for a long time.

    Seriously, it is the family dynamics that bother me the most. Because I am still depending on them financially. I am looking forward to severe ties with them professionally. I still can spend time with them, but I no longer can participate in all their insecurities about money and power; especially money. This is where I learn from them, that I could not live off like how I want to with financial stability. I have long unsubscribed to their definition of life and success. I will do a life audit to structure my life better.

    All for a better emotional and physical fitness. I got this!

  • Heaviness

    Today I’m feeling the heaviness and grief again. Woke up feeling really sluggish, even the meditation did not calm me down.

    I’m feeling overwhelm thinking of what’s gonna happen in a few days during event, and how I’m gonna need a week to recover my body so that I can be my best with my body in teaching.

    Then again, this might not be true. I tend to have this catastrophic thinking. I’ll do well out of this. There’s so much fear with events, the tiredness, the unproductivity, the crowd and people. Maybe I should just focus on what I needed to do and have faith that the other people will do their jobs.

    I worry on meeting my supervisors, I’m so tired dealing with them and with the load I needed to do for this study. I kind of sense their character flaws. Not that I’m better than them, but I feel that they are putting inconsiderately and unnecessary perfectionistic expectations on something that is less important than the whole process of research itself. I can negotiate with them and tell them how I feel tomorrow.

    I’m thinking how much I do miss him and the absurdity of my brain still looking for good justification why he did what he did. Then I stopped myself, to not think about it, but just feel my emotions fleeting. We did have good times, so my body is craving for it. Just observe, the intensity will fade. He still is the asshole that he is, for treating me with disrespect; remember that.

    My whole body is aching too. I didn’t know I have a weak back and upper body until I did CrossFit and powerlifting. Maybe I’ll feel better after stretching, shower and have a good breakfast.

    Everything I need to deal today, it’s gonna be fine and okay.

  • Missed Deadline

    Oh my God! I’m supposed to submit a draft early morning today. Not tomorrow.

    Well I really do my best, if only people know how hard I am trying. I feel guilty though, but I’m not gonna beat myself up cause I really did everything I needed to prepare myself to write today.

    Now I need to meditate it out.

  • You are the By-product of the People You Surround Yourself with

    Taken by my friend, when I saw this photo, I saw myself as a different woman!

    One of the things I appreciate the most these days is having close friends who see me in the best lights despite of my flaws.

    Growing up consistently feeling not good enough despite of being raised in a socially well and respected family, attended one of the best schools in the country, receiving the best education, done this and that at national and international level, I often question what am I doing with my life even though things are quite smooth and steady at that moment. Imagine, if everything is stripped off of you, the wealth, the fitness, the youth and beauty, your careers, your family or spouse – everything that signifies status in today’s society – what is left for you as a dignified human being? For years, I was feeling worthless because I cling to these things to validate my existence and self-worth.

    My confidence and self-appreciation grew when I received positive validation like feedback from my peers at the gym as instructor, my friends who value me, like how is it possible that they see me like that. The only person that did not see how awesome I was, was myself. I am my worst critique due to how my parents taught me growing up, and because of the competitive nature at school – I never was the best in any category, and people abandoned me, so I figured I didn’t have anything special to have people sticking around by my side.

    As I focused inwardly, I started to understand more what really mattered for me. Having friends or surrounding myself with the people that see my light and the value I bring to the world, makes me value and respect myself more; and that all of us, our path, each of us is special, regardless of what the society or the ‘norms’ tells us. Thank you, my dear friends, for showing me who I am, and to myself, for believing that I am worthy and that I am good enough.