Where do I start? A lot has happened last week. Mixed emotions and experiences that almost triggered me into that survival mode again. Five major adjustments from my usual routines:
- Coordinating expo and working with my mother
- School friends came over for a visit and wanted to hang out
- A session of strength training that sent my body feeling weird
- Defending my stand and negotiate to undergo my DRP with my supervisors
- Going through my already full routines in addition to above event – I had exam, class and teaching group exercises as usual
Discussing on event 1, it was okay at first. The folks who are supposed to be working with my plan just decided to do their own thing. And I felt that my time is not respected. It might seem that I can come up with a plan as quick as a snap of fingers, but actually all the scenarios have been thought up for days or even weeks in my head. And I know my mom was tired and she sacrificed a lot, but I am also upset that she did not stand up to her needs – and took it on us when she was overwhelmed. To some degree, I did that too when things are out of my control. It is our dynamics that concern me a lot. How do we address differences. How to communicate all these things. My brother did not seem to want to help or cooperate until my mother stepped in, and maybe manipulated him to help. So really, after all this, I really need to reconsider how I would want to be involved with my family again especially in helping them with business. A lot of reframing and boundary setting need to be outlined, so as to not exhaust myself. I am tired of putting on the self that I automatically project whenever I am with my family members. They are puppets of their insecurities without feelings, not human. If I choose to follow their flow, I will succumb to their insecurities, and be like them too. So, I need to be careful.
Internally, I feel that I should not feel guilty, because I already communicated my availability and the stuffs I needed to deal during the event. I am not a superhuman, and I already did my best. What I am disappointed about is, all these chaos distracted me from concentrating for my exam. Partly it is also my fault, because I want to control everyone’s time to fit in mine. And turns out it was not for the best too. I also feel that I spent my time meeting my friends more than I can afford to spend. My rationale is that they are here for a short time, and I should take the opportunity to meet and catch up. Maybe situations like this triggered my critical perfectionism or I call it Rebecca that guided me to make this judgement. It really weren’t my friends’ fault. It is mine for not drawing the line.
I am also so stressed out because of conflicts with my supervisors, it was an intense session meeting them last week. But it turned out so well after we all communicated our concerns, and we left as a team again. My supervisors really are my people. I love them so much for helping me. I pray that we could all work together well to finish my studies. That really was something positive or progress I made, because I dare to stand up for myself and voice out my needs. My DBA circles are the best people I have been with, except a few – I so can detect now who have dysfunctional tendencies and who are healthy, and who are in between.
Other than that, I am just already physically exhausted from training. But I know this is good for my future longevity in fitness career. I am only started here, there are lots of adjustments I need to make for optimum growth for my work and my training in fitness. I got to restructure my time and recovery to fit in group fitness instructing, powerlifting training and CrossFit. Fitting in exercise, training, proper nutrition prep and recovery are really hard and takes a lot of discipline. So far, the best things and moments that are rewarding and positive to me are from fitness and my DBA studies. These are the things that I would like to keep for a long time.
Seriously, it is the family dynamics that bother me the most. Because I am still depending on them financially. I am looking forward to severe ties with them professionally. I still can spend time with them, but I no longer can participate in all their insecurities about money and power; especially money. This is where I learn from them, that I could not live off like how I want to with financial stability. I have long unsubscribed to their definition of life and success. I will do a life audit to structure my life better.
All for a better emotional and physical fitness. I got this!
