Virtually Nurul – { Research | Fitness | Designs } by Nurul

Author: Nurul

  • Offbeat

    I am feeling horrible these past few weeks, despite of new positive changes I am making. I don’t know how to make the sense out of it. Emotional regulation is hard, moreover when I have to do it alone. I love myself, but there seem to be a lot of insecurities felt. What happened the last few weeks and this week?

    • I made a decision to discontinue powerlifting training – it’s just now working for me for the time being. So maybe I am feeling negative because I am letting people down, and there may be potential for me to be good at this and the recognition and validation that may come out of this. I love how the training gave me strength and focus. But the time it takes to recover and potential injuries just don’t work with me right now. I am already suffocating from balancing my body with current schedule of teaching, working and training.
    • I teach more classes – 2 HIIT class and 1 intermediate intensity class. So this might trigger something in my body because I have to do more preparation work and part of my resting hours is used for further exercise. I might say I feel that I only add extra 30% load on my body with this new schedule.
    • I am not OK that I am ‘gaining weight’. This is really unnecessary, but can’t help feeling that cause I like to look lean and proper. It is gonna be ok. I will easily shed them off when I start training again.
    • Hard to me to sleep well at night due to weather and not wanting to skyrocket the electricity bills up. Without proper sleep and rest of course, one can go crazy.
    • I need better nutrition planning and preparation. So tired to cook these days. Good thing that my body works well with oatmeals and coffee, just basic things to function well. What I need to plan further is for big meals like lunch and dinner. Meat might work for me and its cheaper options for protein intake – maybe I need to include more fiber based protein. And eat more fruits and greens.
    • Family relationship, I think we all are getting along better now. But still I must not give up my identity to fulfill especially what my mother wants. If she’s confused of her roles, that’s on her. Only relate when necessary and don’t overextend myself. Now she wants me to help on the little shop. It’s not hard work for me, but it’s not what I want to do and if I run it successfully, it’s likely that I will not be so much prouder of myself than what I have built now for myself.
    • Closure of old stuffs from MYJN and Navy painting work. OMG still a lot to handle. Yes, I totally forgot about them.
    • Maybe I need to detox from social media – just triggers my anxiety. But I need to do promotional work also. What could work is to limit my access to them.
    • Love relationship is not doing well again. I am just so done to make things right for now. What is it with men. I am so confident that I don’t rely on them to make me happy. I just want to relate with the person I love so bad, maybe like I do relate with myself? Might be our depth of awareness is different? I don’t know what is happening and he is not willing to clarify himself either. Sod it. Suck it up.
    • Financially insecure but I already took actions for this. It’s the unforeseen things that makes me stressed out. Like car maintenance, food cravings, also I need to upgrade my wardrobe and the things at the house.
    • Technically the weather and consistent water supply disruption also bound to make me feel unsettled.

    Most important thing is, what I listed are all external. I gotta respond and manage myself to them accordingly. Above all, I truly believe God is looking after me. Nothing will go wrong. I am safe. Take the plunge.

  • Agitation

    Ever been through Sunday not feeling ready to start the new week?

    That’s exactly how am I feeling tonight. Wide awake at 2am feeling agitated that I would screw up Monday.

    Everything felt wrong. I dislike it when my routine get disrupted. Yes, I helped my family. But what about me?

    I’m also nervous about the future. Making changes here and there, getting used to new routine – and my man is just not putting effort as much as before which makes me feel anxious.

    And seriously our water supply is disrupted again. Still figuring out what to do about it. Just overall feeling insecure. I don’t like this feeling – it’s so uncomfortable. Meditated for 10 minutes, almost fell asleep but my body just wouldn’t let me. I’m just in fight mode right now. Will sit with it and try to observe it as my monkey mind and like a long train passing by.

  • Watching ‘Love Is Blind’ from A Different Lense

    Last night, I binged watched the TV series ‘Love Is Blind’. I turned it on because that’s a comfortable series to turn on while I do my chores and not to miss much of the plots.

    Soon enough I found out that I was rooting for a couple Brett and Tiffany. They have solid relationship, and they are both two amazing people.

    As I watched along the series, nearing towards their wedding, I see many kinds of relationships. The dynamics between a couple and how they relate with each other. It’s so much an eye opener to me when I understand the underlying reasons behind each behaviour and approach towards relationship.

    I even notice my unhealthy pattern in some relationships – it was really ugly when I came to realise it. I love how Chelsea always brave enough to come up with tough conversation and speaks her mind. Tiffany and Brett are 100% top notch. Bliss, putting aside her ego for the man she loves. It’s just made it so much clearer for me on what kind of relationship I am looking for. I was also actively looking for my man’s pattern and dynamics. Sometimes I feel like we are the same person, with same temperament; only that I have more courage to pursue what I want and to be myself. Mine would be a bit like Chelsea and Kwame – and Marshall and Jackie. At times, I found myself behaving like Jackie. I want to change that.

    Brett is like my dream guy. I was also looking out on clues on what it takes to meet and be with a man like Brett – like what characters in Tiffany that I could learn from. It made me sad, too, cause she is so bubbly and warm, just expressive and lively – while I believe my authentic self is more reserved and dark. I just enjoy things, express myself and have fun in a different way. Despite of that, I can feel Tiffany is a fighter. Maybe I am more of Chelsea, more reserved kind.

    Watching the ladies picking up their wedding dresses made me wonder, will I ever gonna experience that in my life. I shook it away, I will have the opportunity when the time comes. I will have a partner to come home to and to build with when the time comes. Now I understand why having fulfilling relationship really is a skill.

  • Unsettled again

    How sad it is when the only person you are comfortable updating on yourself and your day is your 6 years old niece. She is the most amazing girl in the world that I have known. I hope she continues to be that way even after the world breaks her heart – I pray that she is strong and resilient in navigating her life in the future.

    Feeling so messed up and upset today. Because I am trying to finish a website update today, but found it so stressful and time-consuming. At first, I resent my brother for asking me and rushing me to do it for free. When I dug deeper, firstly, he never said it’s for free, secondly, they have been asking for a while already. So yeah I should be responsible for this, and not to do the same mistake again. I am so out of touch for doing all this design things. It’s so frustrating.

    The other thing that bothers me is that I really dislike it when I’m not treated as if I have a choice. So this lecturer I sense that he is manipulative in his ways to get what he wants. I’m so not gonna be part of his agenda. When I declined to do what he wanted, he had the audacity to text my mom about it. So frustrating. It triggered me a lot, I felt so much hatred for my mom. Like, I don’t feel safe with her anymore. It’s like, I need help but knowing my parents it felt like I need to exchange that help with something towards their favour. The feeling of shame and guilt for receiving their help is still there. I just don’t trust my parents and my family.

    And then, I have financial issues, I mean I created them too. My wages from teaching now is exactly the amount that I had wanted, actually given more. It’s the additional commitments to pay for trainings that made me overspent, as well as impulsive eating. I’m tired of having limited choice, but I need to choose and cut back to live peacefully. If I love myself, I gotta cut back until I can earn more. Food and fuel is more important than fancy training.

    The thing about the lecturer, I chose to toughen it up, it’s not my mom’s fault. I am an adult and I have the choice to do what I want – as long as I’m still doing what’s necessary for my studies. And as for my brother’s request, I’m so gonna send him an invoice later.

    Stand up for yourself, Nurul. You got this!

  • DBA Milestone: Conceptual Paper

    As I write, it’s almost 2 am, just submitted my set of questionnaire for my research to my supervisors and had to power through to prepare for tomorrow’s BodyPump class. Yet to apply for ethical committee approval to collect data, but I’m hoping to get it done in a week from now.

    Next up is to write couple of journal articles, starting with conceptual paper. I’m so excited to start on this one. I hope I can manage to get it done on time. Honestly so struggled to do it all, but compared with my condition last year, I’m at better odds to get things going.

    Be grateful for what I have and had done and focus on facing the present while preparing for the future. Now, time to sleep. I hope I can remember my chorey for tomorrow’s class.

  • How to Get Started to Working Out Consistently

    The first step is the hardest for most people. But once you get the ball rolling, you will be in it for life with less effort.

    These are a few strategies that you could use to start exercising consistently. The key word here is CONSISTENT, everyone can start, but sticking to it is another story.

    1. Set the INTENTION, you need to exercise because you love yourself and you want to get healthy.
    2. Try any exercise type or setting that is accessible to you. Be it kickboxing, dance class, yoga, running or hiking clubs, powerlift, crossfit or any group class. PICK SOMETHING that you enjoy doing and have the means to do so.
    3. Adjust your daily schedule, you need to MAKE TIME for exercise 3-5 days a week – from as little as 20 minutes to 60 minutes, your call. Relying on free time to workout won’t do it.
    4. Set SMALL MANAGEABLE GOAL or intention every week or month to achieve with your workout. Example, this week, I want to run extra 1km or I want to do extra 10 burpees today. A trainer can help you with setting your weekly or monthly goals.
    5. BE ACCOUNTABLE with your weekly workout by tracking them and regular scheduling. Find someone credible, like personal trainer or coaches, to help you with this.
    6. COMMIT. Stick to your schedule as best as you can. It’s sometimes a trial and error thing as you figure out what’s best for you. Adjust accordingly as you go along. Sometimes unavoidable things come your way that could stop your track, just slowly get back to your plan. Don’t give it up altogether!

    It’s the simplest breakdown. Try it out!

  • Lessons from Dr Jonice Webb’s 10 Days Awareness Challenge

    I subscribed to Dr Jonice Webb’s work in Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) which I came across in the early stages of my realisation that there was something wrong with me, sometime in 2018. I related to it instantly and bought 2 of her books. The emails she sent weekly at first triggered my past hurt. But over time I don’t know when, I stopped taking it personally and started to read them with an open heart and mind.

    So, recently, she created this 10 Days Awareness Challenge for free. I immediately signed up without hesitation, and followed through along with my own time. If any of you are interested to find out what it is all about, you can enroll yourself by going to this link here.

    My main learning out of this are the 10 affirmations that I could use to reparent myself (these are my favourites) and three steps that I can do to begin my CEN healing. The video of the affirmations is available on YouTube, here on this link. Such an important link. I would like to write to her one day on how much burden she had lifted from me, from all the feeling of unworthiness and consistent gloom and doom feeling.

    Back to the affirmations, the 10 main affirmations to reparent myself that I could use are:

    • No feelings are bad, it’s what I do with them
    • It’s only a feeling, I can handle this
    • Pay attention to this feeling, it matters
    • My parents can’t give me what they don’t have
    • I can do this
    • Stop with the self-doubt – it is not helpful
    • I’ve proven myself before, and Icould definitely prove myself again
    • It’s just a skill, and I could learn it
    • Asking for help is a sign of strength
    • I am not responsible for the things I cannot control – I’m not in charge of the whole world, let it go!

    The good thing is, it affirms me that I have already started healing because I use some the affirmations myself consistently. I wish I could cut and paste these affirmations somewhere in my brain for quick access whenever I am feeling inadequate.

    Another thing that I learnt from this awareness challenge is to practice these three things to heal my CEN. Those are (as in my notes):

    • Learn everything I can about CEN
    • Change my relationship with my emotions and feelings – it is valuable, tells me something about myself, holding good or bad memory about something, warning, information, message of something that I need – be curious about my feelings
    • Start paying attentions to my feelings – do this drill 3 times a day. Close my eyes – turn inwards, ask myself what am I feeling right now? – feel the feelings in my belly, chest, throat or in my head.

    It feels so good that I can now see another move forward in healing my childhood trauma. Please have a go at the challenge, who knows it might change your view about yourself and ultimately your life.

  • Long Overdue Life Audit – Direction for 2023/2024

    FFA Nurul

    Ideal state: Financially stable, potentially earning at least RM3k and above, with savings on car maintenance and emergency events, manageable debt repayments. Steady stream of income and balance working on passion projects, family business and my role as a consultant after graduated from DBA program. Calm and happy.

    Driving FactorRestraining Factor
    • financially independent, not relying on my parents money (5)
    • freedom to do what I want and to be myself- peace of mind, not to worry about unpaid bills (5)
    • opportunity to contribute to my family (4)
    • realising my need to be self-sufficient (5)
    • not worrying about my car and disrupt my travels (4)
    • security when emergency happens or when I need extra money (4)
    • some resource for knowledge and skills upgrading (3)
    • I can be more available to those who matters (5)
    • I can buy more quality food to nourish my body (5)
    • life upgrades – wardrobes, home, self-care (5)
    • experience and knowledge in IT and fitness; competence in industry (3)
    • no need to invest so much to start rolling (4)
    • vast methods and opportunity to share my insights online (3)
    • access to gyms to promote my services (4)
    • physically fitter and look better than I was before (4)
    • enjoy life (5)
    • competitive (3)
    • market demands unmatched with my service and offered rate (3)
    • juggling for time (5)
    • demotivated sometimes when unable to fulfill customer needs (3)
    • limited local opportunities (4)
    • physically tired to push in getting more done (5)
    • unclear who are my target market that would value my service (5)
    • many commitments that consume time and money (4)
    • how to market my service online with just using Instagram, WhatsApp, YouTube and my website (5)
    • sometimes too overwhelmed to do anything (4)
    • basic commitments almost RM700 per month without adding on fuels and food (5)
    • no more savings (5)
    • sometimes giving in to unnecessary costs (3)
    • debts almost RM30k (4)
    • need to solve financial issue on family business (5)
    • pending work from previous years (5)
    Total: 68Total: 68

    Same tally. Ok from here, my area to develop on would be – Marketing & Branding, Sales Opportunity, Time Management, Fitness & Well-being, Finance, Business Development, Preliminary Action. Timeframe is 2 years, that is from now August 2023 to August 2025. By this time, I must already have graduated and achieved at least 60% of my ideal state – especially the finance part where I am able to pay my monthly debts and secure some money for my savings.

    Development plan for Nurul to achieve ideal state in 2 years

    Primary focus is to finish pending jobs before 2023 ends. Start earning RM900-1,000 per month first to sustain the year. If I finish all these actions by year 2024, I could potentially generate RM30,000-40,000 more by then.

    AreaActionHowTimeframe
    Marketing & BrandingFind my superpowerRead articles on authenticity, finding niche, superpower14 Aug – 1 Nov 2023
    Structure packagesOutline fitness service packages – price, options, points of contacts14 Aug – 31 Aug 2023
    Social mediaInstagram, YouTube, WhatsApp31 Aug 2023
    ChannelsWebsite, Emails 31 Aug 2023
    Determine frequency31 Aug 2023
    ContentsDetermine what kind of contents that would:
    – create awareness on fitness
    – create awareness on BodyPump
    – motivate people to improve habits to like fitness
    – introduce different kinds or trends of training
    -demonstrate knowledge and competence
    – own experience and journey    		31 Aug 2023
    Online course/PT
    Hosting and website packages marketingSEO work
    Update Tau Systems website
    Sort visibility and coverage
    PortfolioDigital kit
    Printed kit
    Structured contents
    Sales OpportunityScan consumers profile
    Perform PESTEL
    Market research
    Target people – individual, corporate, new gym members
    Approach contractors SMEs on website and email hosting services
    Create awareness – story and social media and website contents
    Time ManagementPending job at HATWKKHeli section
    Running section – face, touchup details, banner
    Chamber section – details baju, face
    Logo – left and right
    Smoothen out background    		1 Mar 2024
    Kiosk apps GrowballInterface prototype
    Workable prototype
    Presentation
    Install
    Test    		1 Mar 2024
    Business plan MYJNFramework to study profits, SWOT, business plan, recommendations, PESTLE, market research, current condition – strategy – Data pertanian DOA – food delivery
    Business kit MYJTSLogo
    Update portfolio
    Update website info
    DBA researchCorrection – ongoing
    REC approval
    Writing article journal
    Book chapter
    Data collection    		Feb 2024
    PT classes and sessionsSpecify free interchangeable slots with classes and training19 Aug 2023
    Hobby & creativesSlot one day just for myself to engage in hobbies

    UOB Art Comp     		31 Dec 2024
    31 July 2024
    Personal choresHome repairs
    Main room cleaning
    Bathroom repair
    Sink repairs
    Garden
    Dismantle double decker bed
    Relationships – family, friends and loveSchedule time to be at parents, dates and friends
    Meet family once a week    		19 Aug 2023
    31 Dec 2024
    Fitness & WellbeingTraining schedule and focusSpecify days of training and expected costs

    Schedule daily stretching to release tension    		20 Aug 2023
    Nutrition planDetermine groceries sets required and monthly costs31 Aug 2023
    CEN workFinish 10 days awareness challenge
    Do 3x a day – ask myself how am I feeling? Why am I feeling?
    Learn everything about CEN    		13-19 Aug 2023
    31 Dec 2024
    BooksFinish pending book titles
    Read list of book titles
    MindfulnessMeditation 10-20 mins daily31 Dec 2024
    FinanceStudy loanOutstanding RM14,00031 Dec 2024
    Membership debtOutstanding RM2,00031 Dec 2024
    MYJN outstanding and cashflowPlan on how to generate RM2000 – RM5000 per month15 Sept 2023
    Find extra income/jobLimit on arts, web and coding and fitness
    Accumulate savingsCar maintenance saving RM1,500 per year
    		31 Dec 2024
    Business DevelopmentMYJN new offers
    New products TS
    Create on-demand online services
    Web-apps pay per month/year
    Fitness classes
    Online PT
    Progress monitoring package
    Preliminary ActionExpand network
    Create visibilityEnhance website contents
    Use YouTube and Instagram
    SEO on website
    Prepare catalog/ deliverablesCatalog and materials for TS
    Catalog for PT
    Offer classes, purchasable printsDetermine concept and products to sell
    Find out how others do it
    Present all services to people, no reservation

    Updated 23 Jan 2024

  • Tricky August

    Two more weeks until the month ends. It has been a great one for me, yet still so many things to get done – I start to feel out of balance consistently.

    What’s great:

    • Did my DRP
    • Finally went out to visit an amazing place in Ranau – Taralamas River Canyon. I’ll write all about it in a post!
    • I am getting fitter and stronger
    • I am getting the hang of teaching BodyPump 3-4 times a week
    • Guess what, he’s back! – I am still undecided how to respond to this
    • Finally getting the company kit moving for MYJ Tau Systems SB
    • My PT client made a lot of progress in her fitness and training. So proud of her!
    • Settled MYJ Naturalle SB annual return stuff – almost missed it though
    • Made a lot of new friends from gym
    • Consistent early morning meditation before everything else daily since July

    What’s not great:

    • Pending work – the painting at the navy base
    • Nervous of the next milestone of my studies
    • I haven’t continued with MYJ Naturalle SB business plan yet
    • Web application for cinema tickets. Sigh!
    • Work still coming and piling up – I feel it is hard to catch up
    • I am still at the beck and call of my family – because I feel I gotta do it in return of their financial help
    • Added my financial commitment – I gotta work extra to make ends meet
    • Still unable to pay my study loan in full unlike before
    • My body needs more care – nutrition, stretching, sleep – I feel like it is never enough with rest
    • Eventhough he’s back, I still need to address how I feel and what I need – it unsettles me that I am ok with what he did
    • Still feeling something is off and despite of what I am doing; it still is not enough
    • I want to spend more time processing and healing my CEN trauma
    • I find it hard to sit down and relax and do the things I like such as painting

    I am especially anxious about my financial situation. Maybe I need to make the decision where I need to draw the line so that my time is used wisely that will add more value to my life. Maybe this is the process that I need to go through. To compare with last year at this time around, I am a lot better now. I have income, I think I am at my fittest and I am curious how much more and what else I can do. It’s like never ending quest to level up. I am not sure if this is healthy or not. And I am getting more aware of my triggers, the way I talk to myself. I rarely judge or put myself down anymore and it makes me so much peaceful and relaxed. The meditation practice that I do daily has helped me a lot in so many ways. I am feeling more myself and have better agency of what I want to do in line with my values. So yeah, for 2 weeks, those are a lot. I am proud of myself, I just need to slow down a bit and chill. I did enough.

  • It’s DRP day!

    Finally the dreaded day has come! Most of my preparations were ready with the help of my supervisors. It was not 100%, but I felt that what I did was good enough.

    I was late probably 30 minutes later than what I originally planned. Managed to tweak a bit my presentation slides in the morning, where I deemed appropriate. My wardrobe planning were done yesterday and I had everything ready the night before. Wardrobe planning is so important to me, that I would not risk it for the last minute throw as it could end up not right the first time, and I would waste times to find what will fit; then I would be late and other disasters would follow. Talking about neuroticism, but I accept myself this way.

    I was happy with how I looked and my makeup was alright! My car took a bit more time to warm up, but I just waited patiently knowing I will arrive on time (30 minutes later than what I had planned).

    I tried to stay calm throughout my journey to the uni, reassuring myself that I had done enough preparation for it. Whatever happens, I’ll just need to catch up and do my corrections. It’s all in God’s hand.

    I arrived 15 minutes early. Set up my laptop, presentation slides with the projector and basically got myself ready and made sure that I was within the right mindset.

    The presentation went smoothly as per my usual practice mock DRP. It was a lot better and smoother than what I had expected. Got a lot of feedbacks and questions from the examiners and everyone present. After I finished answering and clarified what was asked, I was asked to stay outside with my supervisors as the panel were discussing among themselves on my results.

    Had a little chat with my supervisors while waiting for the results. When we were called in I was calm, maybe because I fought and waited so long for this day. The chairperson explained to me all the passing ranks and the justifications. Finally, he announced that I passed with rank 2! Hooray!! Very minimal correction and only my supervisors will endorse the corrections after that. We were all so pleased with the results. We were then given the opportunity to speak a few words and I was so happy and expressed my gratitude and appreciation for everyone involved especially towards my supervisors.

    What I took from the session was, I did a good job together with my supervisors at research. According to the panels, my research is in line or at par with PhD level, for it’s prospective contribution not only for the industry, but also for the body of knowledge. Secondly, practice and hard work seldom come irreciprocated. Third, when I disagree with something, often I just need to express it and ask for help on how win win situation could be created with related parties. Finally, I was just so pleased because all of this was the fruition of my authentic intention and beliefs. I also could not do it without the support and understanding of my parents.

    I would also like to stress that understanding my interests and my awareness of my behaviours my motivators, though it’s hard work and resulting from years of exploration – doing something that is aligned with myself will never feel like a burden; but rather something that I would be gladly and willingly fight for.