Virtually Nurul – { Research | Fitness | Designs } by Nurul

Author: Nurul

  • Dating Emotionally Unavailable People

    Damn frustrated these few days towards a certain guy. It’s getting messy, and I don’t like messy. Enough with trying to fight for myself at work and other things. I don’t want to waste my energy on a relationship that is supposed to be my source of peace, security and comfort; but instead contributed to stress, anxiety and agony. Here’s a few initial thoughts on relationship dynamics with unavailable people and why I am with this kind of person:

    • I choose this because I don’t have a great relationship with myself
    • It’s the anxious and avoidance relationship dance – push pull till it ends
    • It’s a reflection of my childhood trauma – cause my parents don’t love me enough
    • Codependency – again from childhood trauma
    • Fear of abandonment – that I want this to work out so that it proves that I’m lovable, and people won’t leave me, like my first boyfriend did
    • I just did not know any better

    So these were my initial thoughts on this in relation to myself and my experiences. I judged myself brutally and wanted to change immediately. Because I feel that it might be me that is problematic, not the other person. So I started to sort this out internally, discovering who I am, facing my shadows and etcetera. I tried to make things right by expressing my needs, but also aware of his limitations. I minimise myself to make him comfortable. Often, being me, I can tolerate for a while, and as I discover myself more and what I deserved and liked, I asked for what I need. What frustrates me is that, he is not putting sufficient effort into it, while I am trying like crazy to contain my frustration so as to not trigger him. It is my fault also for not showing how I feel inside authentically – another kind of manipulation. I understand that he is having a hard time right now, but hey, is it too much to ask for being heard for just a minute and for him to acknowledge my existence or this relationship? It’s just so unbelievable and hard for me to accept that, someone who claims that he ‘loves’ me would ignore and neglect me like that. Because, I, for sure won’t do that. Even if I’m busy, I would communicate about it and follow through within a few hours.

    I blamed myself for a long time, and wasted so much energy holding my emotions back and trying to make things grow. The initial thoughts that I listed earlier, I challenged every single one of them and have somewhat addressed and acknowledged. What I know now for sure, it definitely is not me. There is something seriously wrong with this man. No matter what I do, he will always be like this. Do I want to spend more years in agony like this? While I can use this time and energy to meet more people, to at least have an opportunity to find a man that is really into me and could offer the world to me. I deserve a satisfying and fulfilling love – that is my source of comfort, security, peace and happiness. It is hard sometimes because when I am not frustrated, I tend to be carried away and not being sensitive with all the red flags of unavailable man. I know I still have so much inner work to do. One step at a time. For now, appreciate life, keep focusing on getting to know myself and create my own story of a meaningful life.

    Oh Allah, I seek your help, as always, to please guide me and protect me from those who are there to take advantage of me, not to care and value me.

  • I am 41!

    It is my birthday today! A different celebration from when I was 40. Because I don’t have Facebook anymore that notifies everyone of my birthday, not many wished me one (not even my man!). Only my family members and some close friends who happen to interact with me often. I taught BodyPump as usual as it’s Thursday, and got announced by my instructor mate who team teached with me today to the whole class that it’s my birthday today. It was a nice feeling being appreciated like that. Afterwards, we had cake and some meal downstairs at Secret Recipe and I headed towards my parents’ to meet and celebrate with my family.

    Did the usual drills, small celebration with them. Had cake, kids singing birthday and fought to blow the candles, them gifts giving and them asked me to unwrap the presents. We ate a bit, and chit chatted with my sisters and mom. Dad, as usual, I don’t know what to talk about with him. He just went to bed early.

    I got some presents like freebies from expos – functional stuffs, mom gave me telekung and dad gave me a watch. It was so modest I was actually was not that excited. Then when I unwrapped the gift from my dad, I was half disappointed cause he gave me a men’s watch. In my mind, I was like, “Are you kidding me, don’t you realise how stylish I am, and you want me to wear this?”. Well, of course I didn’t voice out my disappointment and thanked him anyway with glee. I also asked my mom where I can have the strap adjusted, cause its too large on my wrist. She just answered me but like unsure of it. If they bought it together, she would have known. I packed some food and drove back to my house after everyone settled to their bedrooms.

    As I drove home, I became suspicious. Like, how could he do that to me, then I thought, he must have bought it for himself but didn’t want it and gave it to me instead – like, everything hand-me-downs, they’ll give it to me. As I arrived, showered and settled at home, I charged the smartwatch my dad gave me, changed the straps – the black leather straps look a lot better on my wrist than the steel one and checked what’s inside the box.

    I found the manual and some sort of warranty documents, then I saw the date of purchase. It was in 2020! And then I remembered my brother gave a Fossil watch to my dad for his birthday. Could this be the same watch? The settings of the phone, too, were configured for an iPhone and with my dad’s email address.

    I was heartbroken, like not angry heartbroken. It’s a sad feeling. My dad is not as he was years back. He’s in a fragile and vulnerable position right now. Maybe he is feeling powerless to help me, that’s why he’s like avoiding, even talking with me. Despite of that, he still wants to give his best to me. That’s my dad’s love to me. He has given me everything he could, even when in times he could not afford to. I feel that he’s really in big crisis right now and really need our help. On the bright side, I kind of glad that he didn’t spend so much money for a gift that I don’t really in favour of (like the almost 3 grands Tumi backpack they gave me last year).

    It is a huge awakening for me. I, too, am feeling so vulnerable and don’t know how I could turn my life around. But so far, things are kind of on track. I want to help my family and not be too financially dependent on them. I am not messing around anymore. Inside, I know I can do this. Just still figuring out what works. Allah will guide me, as long as I do it for the right reason with all my heart.

    May Allah protect my parents from their worries and insecurities; and teach them to be at peace and surrender to Him; and bless my parents with good health and meaningful life. I love my parents, and thank you Allah for blessing me with wonderful mom and dad who love me unconditionally with all their hearts.

  • October updates!

    Life has been moving so fast these past 4 weeks. It’s mid-October already. I’m trying to get back to slower pace of life. Recently bagged myself new clients and new job, connected with new people. Coping with the ‘new’-ness of my man’s behaviour. It’s all too much for me without processing and without much support. There were good things and maybe not bad but these things trigger my insecurity a lot especially in the financial aspects of which I am seriously building on. I am also feeling so ill today, my body is giving way and there’s no one here to comfort me (well I can always go home to my parents, but it’s my recharge day!).

    Feeling so vulnerable and the fact that I can’t spend time and share it with my man makes me feel hopeless. Also, makes me question the whole ‘us’ thing. I wonder if he’s thinking about me as often as I do of him. This guy really makes me crazy sometimes, but yeah I just need to be myself and tell him how I feel eventhough it might drive him away. I don’t know if his act of keep coming back to me is because he genuinely loves me or just caused by something superficial. I am just generally anxious because I don’t know how to address it.

    Anyways, today I planned to go see my painting to resume and have a look at them. But my body is just so exhausted, thank God I don’t feel sore a lot because I went to train. I’m just feeling inflamed and undernourished. I don’t know what else to do other than eat, lying in bed and watch movie. I watched the movie ‘Eternal Sunshine of A Spotless Mind’ in the afternoon. It was a great movie and so moving. I think most men in my life have mother issue. It’s also funny that inside, I feel so dark, and yet people see me as a ‘lively’ and ‘bubbly’ character. I related the relationships in that movie with mine, it’s like everyone has conflicts – it’s how they resolve and communicate their differences. I don’t know what to make of mine. It’s just a floating thing, sometimes okay, sometimes not. I don’t want to mother my partner, maybe deep down I just want someone else who can be a better father for me. I also learn that with wounded and introverted men, they don’t have space in their head to think about other people. It’s just their survival, sometimes, I catch myself behaving like that with things that don’t matter to me. I don’t understand this, maybe just live and do my best to make it meaningful.

    Yesterday was so ‘dark’ for me, I was listening to “Kingdom of Rust” again and it’s just so beautiful about someone who’s unable to feel. When it sang “I long to feel the beauty in my heart..” I just cried. I just let it go, I wasn’t sad for any reason. Maybe its a repressed feeling. When I feel good, it’s 100% great. When I’m not it’s 100% too. Maybe living is like that. Feel it and ask myself why do I feel that way and move on. I mean, when I’m already feeling tired and ill and the weather is just crazy, it’s just hard to feel good these days. I just don’t have the strength to deal with everything right now. I’m turning 41 years old in a few days, would I stay like this till I die? I am yet to find my breakthrough. It’s hard. Small progress with finance but not stable yet, relationship-wise also small progress. I just want routine, stability and peace. Nothing else matters much to me. I thought also beforehand that I am not normal, turns out when I get to know more people, the more I see that we are all in the same boat. I am ahead if I have more awareness and initiatives than other people. So, I really am not broken. I can make things happen for me. I just need to keep trying and make mistakes until I find it.

    Gosh it’s really hot in here. I have so many things to fix like my nutrition and energy level, my studies, my pending work, the things I promised my parents. How do people do it? My car is making me crazy too with all the loud noise. I am just could not see right now how I could make all these things right for me. I already put a timeline for the things I needed to do but still it’s not moving at all. I am still as sick and hungry and tired as before. Is it my work that’s making me crazy? Or is it that I am not feeling much support from the man I love? Oh Allah, please teach me how this works. I am clueless as ever. I don’t know what I can do right anymore.

    I know what my mind and body is trying to tell me, it thinks that I am in danger. Only in danger of what I am not sure. Sometimes I can stay calm and just surrender to Allah, because Allah knows best, and he always helps me and be there for me. Yeah, no point feeling threatened by someone who is not capable of loving and protecting the way I want to because of his wounds himself. There’s so much frustration in me right now. Here are some of the things that made me crazy these past few days:

    • Loud noise from car and recent sound system problem made my ear rang several times. I’m scared that I might turn deaf because of that.
    • Got a new job teaching for a new centre, but I am not feeling myself with this job – plus it just doesn’t feel right sometimes cause I am at different wavelength with my participants and the place – I don’t know what make them feel excited in exercising – to them it is still torture, and not challenges – so maybe this one makes me stress out a bit. I am worried this gig does not last as long as I’d like it to. But lets not worry about it now.
    • And the place that I currently work at is so mean, like not caring of us who work for them.
    • My group exercise clients are a pain at the moment. OMG why people are so disrespectful like this. I am not gonna sugarcoat anything with them, just gonna be myself and act professional.
    • I am just tired of dealing with people right now be it my clients, my employees, my family and my own partner.
    • I am tired of people hitting on me when I let loose and be myself, can you all just chill and act normal.
    • Stress and anxiety from pending jobs. I just feel like, if I don’t feel good about myself, if I don’t get my affairs sorted, I can’t do things for other people.
    • I sensed some changes with my man, I don’t know if its good or not. He’s less defensive with me which is good. I also feel uncomfortable that he changed his style which I’m not a fan of. I like my man clean not scruffy. I don’t know yet what he is going through, only some details and it sounded like he is exhausted himself, but really nothing I can do if he would not let me.
    • I hate that I still depend on my parents, like how can I let go of this dependence already. I can do this, just a little bit more.
    • My research is stalling for a bit now, but this one is the least of my concern cause I know how to handle this, and I have my support.
    • Classes keep cancelling, people are not showing up. I mean people have things to do, right. I am worried that my schedule got changed or reduced because of no show. This will affect my income and my ability to pay for bills.

    Above all, I also don’t want to factor out that all these crazy feelings also were intensified by PMS. I dealt with so many things in a short time. I was in full on hustle and fight mode. That’s why I am so exhausted emotionally now. Many good things happened too, such as:

    • I found a mechanic who could solve my car problems for now. And my mom is ok to help me with fixing costs – maybe I feel stressed because it’s as if I need to do a big favour for her if she helps me
    • My income exceed RM1,000 per month now, which means I have enough bullet to add my values in teaching in fitness or even indulge a bit on nice things.
    • Again, my man is less defensive so it’s really a nice progress.
    • My sister, niece and nephew paid a visit to my house. It was short and so special because I get to show them my safe sanctuary.
    • I get to train again. It feels so good!!! I want to get paid to train. I am going to do that for a year, and maybe sign up to become a CrossFit coach.
    • I got new ear-piercings on my left ear together with my niece. It was so special and my niece was so cute with her new piercing. I just realise how big is my love for her. Made me wonder, maybe that was how my aunties were with me. I am so sorry if I appear disimissive or cold towards them. Also to my mom and my grandma who love me so much. I think my dad too, but he just could not put his guard down (like my man!).
    • My dad keeps a couple of selfies I took in my younger years wearing makeup – that was so corny and sweet at the same time!
    • Relaunch at the gym was nice, and some of the members like finally accepting of myself as a person, not like a perfect celebrity coach.
    • I got myself checked for breast cancer and I was cleared and good. Funny experience doing mammogram and ultrasound. Kind a like, one milestone achieved as a healthy woman.
    • I can sense now the validation that I am working in fitness and that I am knowledgeable about it.

    I am just burnt out and not managing myself well. Things happened and just focus on what I can control. Everything I listed out is a lot for a 4 weeks occasion. At least I am alive to experience this all. I am safe, I am OK and I am taken care of. Don’t worry.

  • Offbeat

    I am feeling horrible these past few weeks, despite of new positive changes I am making. I don’t know how to make the sense out of it. Emotional regulation is hard, moreover when I have to do it alone. I love myself, but there seem to be a lot of insecurities felt. What happened the last few weeks and this week?

    • I made a decision to discontinue powerlifting training – it’s just now working for me for the time being. So maybe I am feeling negative because I am letting people down, and there may be potential for me to be good at this and the recognition and validation that may come out of this. I love how the training gave me strength and focus. But the time it takes to recover and potential injuries just don’t work with me right now. I am already suffocating from balancing my body with current schedule of teaching, working and training.
    • I teach more classes – 2 HIIT class and 1 intermediate intensity class. So this might trigger something in my body because I have to do more preparation work and part of my resting hours is used for further exercise. I might say I feel that I only add extra 30% load on my body with this new schedule.
    • I am not OK that I am ‘gaining weight’. This is really unnecessary, but can’t help feeling that cause I like to look lean and proper. It is gonna be ok. I will easily shed them off when I start training again.
    • Hard to me to sleep well at night due to weather and not wanting to skyrocket the electricity bills up. Without proper sleep and rest of course, one can go crazy.
    • I need better nutrition planning and preparation. So tired to cook these days. Good thing that my body works well with oatmeals and coffee, just basic things to function well. What I need to plan further is for big meals like lunch and dinner. Meat might work for me and its cheaper options for protein intake – maybe I need to include more fiber based protein. And eat more fruits and greens.
    • Family relationship, I think we all are getting along better now. But still I must not give up my identity to fulfill especially what my mother wants. If she’s confused of her roles, that’s on her. Only relate when necessary and don’t overextend myself. Now she wants me to help on the little shop. It’s not hard work for me, but it’s not what I want to do and if I run it successfully, it’s likely that I will not be so much prouder of myself than what I have built now for myself.
    • Closure of old stuffs from MYJN and Navy painting work. OMG still a lot to handle. Yes, I totally forgot about them.
    • Maybe I need to detox from social media – just triggers my anxiety. But I need to do promotional work also. What could work is to limit my access to them.
    • Love relationship is not doing well again. I am just so done to make things right for now. What is it with men. I am so confident that I don’t rely on them to make me happy. I just want to relate with the person I love so bad, maybe like I do relate with myself? Might be our depth of awareness is different? I don’t know what is happening and he is not willing to clarify himself either. Sod it. Suck it up.
    • Financially insecure but I already took actions for this. It’s the unforeseen things that makes me stressed out. Like car maintenance, food cravings, also I need to upgrade my wardrobe and the things at the house.
    • Technically the weather and consistent water supply disruption also bound to make me feel unsettled.

    Most important thing is, what I listed are all external. I gotta respond and manage myself to them accordingly. Above all, I truly believe God is looking after me. Nothing will go wrong. I am safe. Take the plunge.

  • Agitation

    Ever been through Sunday not feeling ready to start the new week?

    That’s exactly how am I feeling tonight. Wide awake at 2am feeling agitated that I would screw up Monday.

    Everything felt wrong. I dislike it when my routine get disrupted. Yes, I helped my family. But what about me?

    I’m also nervous about the future. Making changes here and there, getting used to new routine – and my man is just not putting effort as much as before which makes me feel anxious.

    And seriously our water supply is disrupted again. Still figuring out what to do about it. Just overall feeling insecure. I don’t like this feeling – it’s so uncomfortable. Meditated for 10 minutes, almost fell asleep but my body just wouldn’t let me. I’m just in fight mode right now. Will sit with it and try to observe it as my monkey mind and like a long train passing by.

  • Watching ‘Love Is Blind’ from A Different Lense

    Last night, I binged watched the TV series ‘Love Is Blind’. I turned it on because that’s a comfortable series to turn on while I do my chores and not to miss much of the plots.

    Soon enough I found out that I was rooting for a couple Brett and Tiffany. They have solid relationship, and they are both two amazing people.

    As I watched along the series, nearing towards their wedding, I see many kinds of relationships. The dynamics between a couple and how they relate with each other. It’s so much an eye opener to me when I understand the underlying reasons behind each behaviour and approach towards relationship.

    I even notice my unhealthy pattern in some relationships – it was really ugly when I came to realise it. I love how Chelsea always brave enough to come up with tough conversation and speaks her mind. Tiffany and Brett are 100% top notch. Bliss, putting aside her ego for the man she loves. It’s just made it so much clearer for me on what kind of relationship I am looking for. I was also actively looking for my man’s pattern and dynamics. Sometimes I feel like we are the same person, with same temperament; only that I have more courage to pursue what I want and to be myself. Mine would be a bit like Chelsea and Kwame – and Marshall and Jackie. At times, I found myself behaving like Jackie. I want to change that.

    Brett is like my dream guy. I was also looking out on clues on what it takes to meet and be with a man like Brett – like what characters in Tiffany that I could learn from. It made me sad, too, cause she is so bubbly and warm, just expressive and lively – while I believe my authentic self is more reserved and dark. I just enjoy things, express myself and have fun in a different way. Despite of that, I can feel Tiffany is a fighter. Maybe I am more of Chelsea, more reserved kind.

    Watching the ladies picking up their wedding dresses made me wonder, will I ever gonna experience that in my life. I shook it away, I will have the opportunity when the time comes. I will have a partner to come home to and to build with when the time comes. Now I understand why having fulfilling relationship really is a skill.

  • Unsettled again

    How sad it is when the only person you are comfortable updating on yourself and your day is your 6 years old niece. She is the most amazing girl in the world that I have known. I hope she continues to be that way even after the world breaks her heart – I pray that she is strong and resilient in navigating her life in the future.

    Feeling so messed up and upset today. Because I am trying to finish a website update today, but found it so stressful and time-consuming. At first, I resent my brother for asking me and rushing me to do it for free. When I dug deeper, firstly, he never said it’s for free, secondly, they have been asking for a while already. So yeah I should be responsible for this, and not to do the same mistake again. I am so out of touch for doing all this design things. It’s so frustrating.

    The other thing that bothers me is that I really dislike it when I’m not treated as if I have a choice. So this lecturer I sense that he is manipulative in his ways to get what he wants. I’m so not gonna be part of his agenda. When I declined to do what he wanted, he had the audacity to text my mom about it. So frustrating. It triggered me a lot, I felt so much hatred for my mom. Like, I don’t feel safe with her anymore. It’s like, I need help but knowing my parents it felt like I need to exchange that help with something towards their favour. The feeling of shame and guilt for receiving their help is still there. I just don’t trust my parents and my family.

    And then, I have financial issues, I mean I created them too. My wages from teaching now is exactly the amount that I had wanted, actually given more. It’s the additional commitments to pay for trainings that made me overspent, as well as impulsive eating. I’m tired of having limited choice, but I need to choose and cut back to live peacefully. If I love myself, I gotta cut back until I can earn more. Food and fuel is more important than fancy training.

    The thing about the lecturer, I chose to toughen it up, it’s not my mom’s fault. I am an adult and I have the choice to do what I want – as long as I’m still doing what’s necessary for my studies. And as for my brother’s request, I’m so gonna send him an invoice later.

    Stand up for yourself, Nurul. You got this!

  • DBA Milestone: Conceptual Paper

    As I write, it’s almost 2 am, just submitted my set of questionnaire for my research to my supervisors and had to power through to prepare for tomorrow’s BodyPump class. Yet to apply for ethical committee approval to collect data, but I’m hoping to get it done in a week from now.

    Next up is to write couple of journal articles, starting with conceptual paper. I’m so excited to start on this one. I hope I can manage to get it done on time. Honestly so struggled to do it all, but compared with my condition last year, I’m at better odds to get things going.

    Be grateful for what I have and had done and focus on facing the present while preparing for the future. Now, time to sleep. I hope I can remember my chorey for tomorrow’s class.

  • How to Get Started to Working Out Consistently

    The first step is the hardest for most people. But once you get the ball rolling, you will be in it for life with less effort.

    These are a few strategies that you could use to start exercising consistently. The key word here is CONSISTENT, everyone can start, but sticking to it is another story.

    1. Set the INTENTION, you need to exercise because you love yourself and you want to get healthy.
    2. Try any exercise type or setting that is accessible to you. Be it kickboxing, dance class, yoga, running or hiking clubs, powerlift, crossfit or any group class. PICK SOMETHING that you enjoy doing and have the means to do so.
    3. Adjust your daily schedule, you need to MAKE TIME for exercise 3-5 days a week – from as little as 20 minutes to 60 minutes, your call. Relying on free time to workout won’t do it.
    4. Set SMALL MANAGEABLE GOAL or intention every week or month to achieve with your workout. Example, this week, I want to run extra 1km or I want to do extra 10 burpees today. A trainer can help you with setting your weekly or monthly goals.
    5. BE ACCOUNTABLE with your weekly workout by tracking them and regular scheduling. Find someone credible, like personal trainer or coaches, to help you with this.
    6. COMMIT. Stick to your schedule as best as you can. It’s sometimes a trial and error thing as you figure out what’s best for you. Adjust accordingly as you go along. Sometimes unavoidable things come your way that could stop your track, just slowly get back to your plan. Don’t give it up altogether!

    It’s the simplest breakdown. Try it out!

  • Lessons from Dr Jonice Webb’s 10 Days Awareness Challenge

    I subscribed to Dr Jonice Webb’s work in Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) which I came across in the early stages of my realisation that there was something wrong with me, sometime in 2018. I related to it instantly and bought 2 of her books. The emails she sent weekly at first triggered my past hurt. But over time I don’t know when, I stopped taking it personally and started to read them with an open heart and mind.

    So, recently, she created this 10 Days Awareness Challenge for free. I immediately signed up without hesitation, and followed through along with my own time. If any of you are interested to find out what it is all about, you can enroll yourself by going to this link here.

    My main learning out of this are the 10 affirmations that I could use to reparent myself (these are my favourites) and three steps that I can do to begin my CEN healing. The video of the affirmations is available on YouTube, here on this link. Such an important link. I would like to write to her one day on how much burden she had lifted from me, from all the feeling of unworthiness and consistent gloom and doom feeling.

    Back to the affirmations, the 10 main affirmations to reparent myself that I could use are:

    • No feelings are bad, it’s what I do with them
    • It’s only a feeling, I can handle this
    • Pay attention to this feeling, it matters
    • My parents can’t give me what they don’t have
    • I can do this
    • Stop with the self-doubt – it is not helpful
    • I’ve proven myself before, and Icould definitely prove myself again
    • It’s just a skill, and I could learn it
    • Asking for help is a sign of strength
    • I am not responsible for the things I cannot control – I’m not in charge of the whole world, let it go!

    The good thing is, it affirms me that I have already started healing because I use some the affirmations myself consistently. I wish I could cut and paste these affirmations somewhere in my brain for quick access whenever I am feeling inadequate.

    Another thing that I learnt from this awareness challenge is to practice these three things to heal my CEN. Those are (as in my notes):

    • Learn everything I can about CEN
    • Change my relationship with my emotions and feelings – it is valuable, tells me something about myself, holding good or bad memory about something, warning, information, message of something that I need – be curious about my feelings
    • Start paying attentions to my feelings – do this drill 3 times a day. Close my eyes – turn inwards, ask myself what am I feeling right now? – feel the feelings in my belly, chest, throat or in my head.

    It feels so good that I can now see another move forward in healing my childhood trauma. Please have a go at the challenge, who knows it might change your view about yourself and ultimately your life.