Virtually Nurul – { Research | Fitness | Designs } by Nurul

Author: Nurul

  • Exploring IoT applications for agriculture

    Next phase of my research is determining which application I could use as base for my respondents to answer questions. While looking for it, I might as well, at the same time build the Google Form questionnaire as planned before. We’re close to get approval from the ethical body, so I expect by January 2024, I could ask for data already.

    Challenges in finding appropriate application include finding a cheap or open source solution that could fulfill the basic needs in terms of operation, technical complexity (as cited being one of the problems) and cost that is affordable. My course of action would be, to vet softwares from:

    1. Google search
    2. Google Scholar
    3. Academic research database

    I need to get one and analyse before releasing my questionnaire and probably have to host the software on my server and create a video as demonstration. My supervisor also advised me to create a timeline for data collection. I have roughly six months to compile everything from here on. I will update on my findings after I have finished with the software analysis and vetting.

  • Learning to Code Again

    I had the first long break of the year, that is 4 days off in a row! – but alas, I still have another PT session later afternoon if that’s gonna happen today. So I took this opportunity to catch up on other things that are not related to fitness! Ironically, I had always wanted to have my own PT apps and wanted to develop one – so it’s still fitness related only on different components of running a PT or fitness business.

    I have been wanting to upgrade my coding and software development knowledge using what my younger peers would have been doing to develop apps and systems. I spent hours yesterday to understand and try out things. Turns out the fundamental server environment is still the same, looking at almost 80% of web apps and systems are still developed using PHP and MySQL combo.

    Next one in line, is to learn and develop Python apps. I am documenting what I did here so that I would know what to do next time when I am developing a new Laravel apps. I tried with Docker but still could not understand how the platform works. Next time buddy!

    What to prepare for a Laravel apps development:

    • PHP, MySQL, Apache server combo setup (and PhpMyAdmin) – alternatively can use XAMPP. Please refer to Laravel manual to enable the PHP extensions needed for development.
    • Composer
    • Git
    • Notepad++ (still is my preferred editor for coding until I find something better!)

    Basically this is it. I could not get it done yesterday despite of many attempts, because I was trying to create one from CPanel and the usual remote development that I normally do (I find it tedious to develop on local, and later upload them online). After a lot of trials and errors, I found that this tutorial accelerated my understanding of the framework (despite of not getting it the first time around).

    Important codes for development:

    1. Create Laravel project
    composer create-project --prefer-dist laravel/laravel AppsName

    2. Create and configure database – first, create a MySQL database for the project. And then find .env file and configure these settings:

    DB_CONNECTION=mysql
DB_HOST=127.0.0.1
DB_PORT=3306
DB_DATABASE=the_app_db_name
DB_USERNAME=db_username
DB_PASSWORD=db_password

    3. And then run this code to setup and connect with the database

    php artisan migrate

    4. In between, various configurations of views (interface layout) and controllers/parameters setup. This one, I need to develop more apps to understand how these works. Thanks for online tutorials!

    5. To run the developed apps or getting it online, use this code:

    php artisan serve

    This new way of coding for me really saves a lot of time coding then what I am used to doing, because we really went writing everything from scratch. Thank God there were already JS and CSS codes that were being shared that time for styling interfaces. Not sure yet of the security threats of the framework, but it felt pretty secure due to the complex framework structure. From this learning, I realised that I still really enjoyed coding (or maybe the accomplishment when finally getting an apps done) – building from idea into something usable. It’s the hours of sitting down and the roadblocks when I could not find the root cause of problems that’s putting me off. Slowly getting the hang of it!

  • DBA Milestone: Research & Conference

    So what is up with my DBA studies?

    In my 4th Semester already. For this semester, we are required to write and publish research paper for a conference proceeding, attend 1 colloquium and some other requirements like progress meeting with supervisors and completing our Chapter 4 & 5.

    My data collection procedures are halted for a bit due to waiting the long process of research ethical approval. In the mean time, I am still figuring out how to demonstrate the IoT application and select a simple one to be presented to my respondents.

    Good news, I have written a review paper and presented in a recent conference organised by Indonesian university, the University Negeri Jakarta (UNJ). It was a cool experience, and really, after all my experiences doing presentation and whatnots over the years, I had little nerves doing presentation and require less time for preparations compared to how I was years before. I enjoyed sharing my findings and on my field of studies to people that I am actually looking forward for more opportunities to write and present my research. I will share the paper once it’s ready and published by the organiser. In the mean time, this was my presentation during the event – here in PDF format.

    So next, I need to pay for my fees, figuring out where I am in my writing, and select and IoT application so that when my ethics were cleared, I am good to go and collect my data as fast as I can.

    I am going to be good!

  • Reminder of What I’ve Got to Do Whenever I’m Stuck in A Funk

    Feeling so bad earlier today. I know it’s partly of my back soreness too. I didn’t cry like crazy today, instead I tried these things and I felt a lot better and able to get up and do some cleaning and cooking. Oh my God, my body and mind is so messed up. I guess I did the work on rewiring my mind, the other thing I need to work on is adjusting my body. So I did these three things just now:

    • Meditation – a different one that focuses on breathing to release anxiety, stress, ptsd and panic.
    • Vagus nerve stretching exercise – very simple one but really reoriented my day as well
    • Fascia rolling – I’ve been doing this for awhile, but this time, the focus is on releasing trapped emotions where my body feels tight. My back and glutes really loved this one.

    Then I managed to cook, did laundry and clean my toilet. A little bit more to clean, but at least I’m not stuck anymore.

  • Is this life?

    So low energy and my anxiety and overwhelm level just shoot up. I am generally upset and feeling so disappointed with life. Like, it is really hard to help myself. I am just frustrated and feeling overwhelmed at the moment. Don’t know what else to do to make myself feel good again. My power is just out of me. Internally, I feel shit. But other people look at me with awe on all the amazing things that I did and potentially had helped them. Part of the things that contribute to it is triggered by people:

    • family stuff – attending meetings on things I don’t care about
    • other people’s indecision
    • having to reach out to someone and not knowing what to request
    • i feel like my soul is out of my body – is this fatigue or what? but still I need to function and communicate with people
    • feeling down and helpless because I can’t have nice meals
    • anger and sadness from break up despite of knowing I did the right thing for myself
    • guilt on pending stuffs – painting work, and one at shell station – conference paper to publish
    • overwhelming shame to settle what I need to do

    Today’s negativity might be caused by my fear of letting other people down and/or making other people feel uncomfortable. When will I be comfortable in putting myself first, I don’t know. Why life is so busy and complicated? I just want to live in peace and I don’t care if I become someone important or not. I am so tired of doing and working. Today’s world is so stupid, reliance on money for sustainability, stupid family system and stupid men unfit to become a reliable committed partner. Today, I feel so helpless, like there’s no point of trying anymore. I just don’t have the energy. I just want to sit down and cry. Despite of all the good and courageous things I did, why am I unable to appreciate and be happy with myself? What is the meaning of my existence? What am I good for? I am just gonna bawl my eyes out crying and get ready to work later. So tired and I’m just angry at everything and myself.

  • NC Log

    Day 8 – 28/10/2023

    Woke up today and noticed that I started to dream about him. This is the most dreaded phase of breaking up with him. Still ruminating and tried to justify and find out what I did – how would it look like to him. Well it did not matter anyways. I was being true to myself and he also had demonstrated how incapable he was in loving me the way I need – or probably his lack of interests in doing so.

    Many times, I assure myself that my mind and body is adjusting to new norms where I don’t have to think are be prepared for his contacts all the time. It is going to be ok. I have to try rewire and replace them with something else. I also was quite in a funk since yesterday. But did some exercise to ease my stress and anxiety. It is going to be ok.

    Day 7 – 27/10/2023

    A little less sad today, just feeling of guilt for not being sensitive of his feelings when I pushed him away. It is what it is, and thinking about it would not help me to move forward. I don’t want to reach out as well, it might be overturned like before.

    The Instagram is full of contents about relationships and coupledom, it stresses me out sometimes. My upper body is just sore, my classes are not performing well which will affect my income. I just don’t feel like working on myself at the moment. But things need to get done, my studies, my work and all. I am just overall feel a bit disappointed with life, and with myself.

    Just be patient. Be alive and do my best to support and help myself. I am so tired. I just want to cry and sleep today.

    Day 6 – 26/10/2023

    Yesterday I woke up panicked again. Don’t know why am I like this. Anyway, yesterday I was curious if he still follows my friend. I was hurt to figure out that I was blocked too and he unfollowed my friend. He didn’t delete all the posts about me though. Well thank you for making it easier for me. I love him so much, that’s why I am so hurt and affected by this. But I can’t continue endure being treated like I don’t matter. I was emotionally tired and heartbroken yesterday.

    Today I just want to be, I don’t want to fix or ponder about anything. Life goes on.

    Day 4 – 24/10/2023

    Woke up feeling good. I actually got up early before my alarm clock set off. I realised that I panicked less in the morning now. OMG such was the effect of the relationship to me. Cause I was consistently waiting.

    However, later near afternoon I was feeling vulnerable and cried for a while. Yeah let it go! Feeling a lot better today.

    Day 3 – 23/10/2023

    Feeling bumped that my front headlamp for the car is not working again. Saw some rat bounced off of my car last night. I hope the wiring wasn’t messed by it. The weather is crazy hot today.

    This morning I woke up feeling better. By afternoon I am feeling empty. That’s just the void for being so used to worrying and waiting for his contacts that’s just gonna happen once or twice a month. I was feeling guilty for cutting things off with him like that after all we’ve been through. But realising what I wasted my time on, I am more convinced that I did the right thing.

    Day 2 – 22/10/2023

    Woke up super early and felt so fresh. It’s just a nice feeling and light. Received updates from my PT client and got a potential new client. Morning started great.

    Still processing my feelings out of all this. Wondering if I was being mean. But I still stand that I needed to do that to protect myself. I need to move on and never get back to the mean and hurtful cycle. Why was he so mean to me, I don’t know the answer. And I don’t care anymore. I just want to set myself free. No doubt, still, I am feeling scared of loneliness. Like, will I ever meet and fall in love and be in a relationship again. It’s a phase, I need to be patient.

    Scrolled my phone checking for notifications. I got so used to checking out if I got messages from him and then checked his profile out for signs if he’s doing anything. Now it feels weird that I don’t have to anymore. And just now I sang love songs and I used to think of him, now I need to replace that memory. It’s a bit sad, but life has to go on. I’m not mean, I’m just standing up for myself.

    I used to loathe all the couples posts on Instagram because I am jealous and I wanted what they had. Now, I should change my perspective and see them as inspiration for how my next relationship would be. It’s like learning and informative post. But not gonna deny that some posts are just cringe.

    And a random thought just came through, like, what if cutting ties with him is the final step for me to get that breakthrough. Cause everything else is aligned with what I wanted, except for my love relationship. I’m looking forward what’s coming up next.

    Day 1 – 21/10/2023

    Writing this to remind myself why I should not respond to any more advances from him and to document and journal how am I dealing and coping with all this mess. No dating for a whole year – that is the contract. Not sure yet how often would I write in this log. It is okay. I’ll write as necessary.

    How I feel today? Utter sadness, anger and betrayal, cried for hours in the afternoon. Now is just feeling emotionally exhausted and numb.

    What did I do? Meditate, block all social media. Have not blocked his number yet. Probably, I should just to be safe. Just act on my paper. Later I’ll do the folding for my clean laundry.

  • Blocks and Obstacles of Writing

    I am in a week towards the end of submission for my journal article. It’s a few pages work. I am so anxious to start. I came up with a structure, but haven’t really start writing anything on it yet. People suggested me to use Quillbot. I never used one. Might check it out in a few minutes.

    I am so not ready to do anything today, but guess I need to start slowly. My house is in a mess, I haven’t eaten lunch, it’s almost dinner time. I don’t feel like eating, but I should. So what’s my strategy now?

    Normally, I would just write everything on my mind. Or I could summarise what I have written for my proposal. Copy and paste here and there and touch up later. I really need to work on a timeline for this.

    Saturday – Sunday: Rough draft, just keep some contents in. Target page count, check on format

    Monday: Refine and feedback from lecturers – iterate until Friday

    Friday: Formatting check and submission

    Ok, this could work. Now let’s have something to eat. I have got my coffee already. Screw him, let’s get back to work.

  • Dating Emotionally Unavailable People

    Damn frustrated these few days towards a certain guy. It’s getting messy, and I don’t like messy. Enough with trying to fight for myself at work and other things. I don’t want to waste my energy on a relationship that is supposed to be my source of peace, security and comfort; but instead contributed to stress, anxiety and agony. Here’s a few initial thoughts on relationship dynamics with unavailable people and why I am with this kind of person:

    • I choose this because I don’t have a great relationship with myself
    • It’s the anxious and avoidance relationship dance – push pull till it ends
    • It’s a reflection of my childhood trauma – cause my parents don’t love me enough
    • Codependency – again from childhood trauma
    • Fear of abandonment – that I want this to work out so that it proves that I’m lovable, and people won’t leave me, like my first boyfriend did
    • I just did not know any better

    So these were my initial thoughts on this in relation to myself and my experiences. I judged myself brutally and wanted to change immediately. Because I feel that it might be me that is problematic, not the other person. So I started to sort this out internally, discovering who I am, facing my shadows and etcetera. I tried to make things right by expressing my needs, but also aware of his limitations. I minimise myself to make him comfortable. Often, being me, I can tolerate for a while, and as I discover myself more and what I deserved and liked, I asked for what I need. What frustrates me is that, he is not putting sufficient effort into it, while I am trying like crazy to contain my frustration so as to not trigger him. It is my fault also for not showing how I feel inside authentically – another kind of manipulation. I understand that he is having a hard time right now, but hey, is it too much to ask for being heard for just a minute and for him to acknowledge my existence or this relationship? It’s just so unbelievable and hard for me to accept that, someone who claims that he ‘loves’ me would ignore and neglect me like that. Because, I, for sure won’t do that. Even if I’m busy, I would communicate about it and follow through within a few hours.

    I blamed myself for a long time, and wasted so much energy holding my emotions back and trying to make things grow. The initial thoughts that I listed earlier, I challenged every single one of them and have somewhat addressed and acknowledged. What I know now for sure, it definitely is not me. There is something seriously wrong with this man. No matter what I do, he will always be like this. Do I want to spend more years in agony like this? While I can use this time and energy to meet more people, to at least have an opportunity to find a man that is really into me and could offer the world to me. I deserve a satisfying and fulfilling love – that is my source of comfort, security, peace and happiness. It is hard sometimes because when I am not frustrated, I tend to be carried away and not being sensitive with all the red flags of unavailable man. I know I still have so much inner work to do. One step at a time. For now, appreciate life, keep focusing on getting to know myself and create my own story of a meaningful life.

    Oh Allah, I seek your help, as always, to please guide me and protect me from those who are there to take advantage of me, not to care and value me.

  • I am 41!

    It is my birthday today! A different celebration from when I was 40. Because I don’t have Facebook anymore that notifies everyone of my birthday, not many wished me one (not even my man!). Only my family members and some close friends who happen to interact with me often. I taught BodyPump as usual as it’s Thursday, and got announced by my instructor mate who team teached with me today to the whole class that it’s my birthday today. It was a nice feeling being appreciated like that. Afterwards, we had cake and some meal downstairs at Secret Recipe and I headed towards my parents’ to meet and celebrate with my family.

    Did the usual drills, small celebration with them. Had cake, kids singing birthday and fought to blow the candles, them gifts giving and them asked me to unwrap the presents. We ate a bit, and chit chatted with my sisters and mom. Dad, as usual, I don’t know what to talk about with him. He just went to bed early.

    I got some presents like freebies from expos – functional stuffs, mom gave me telekung and dad gave me a watch. It was so modest I was actually was not that excited. Then when I unwrapped the gift from my dad, I was half disappointed cause he gave me a men’s watch. In my mind, I was like, “Are you kidding me, don’t you realise how stylish I am, and you want me to wear this?”. Well, of course I didn’t voice out my disappointment and thanked him anyway with glee. I also asked my mom where I can have the strap adjusted, cause its too large on my wrist. She just answered me but like unsure of it. If they bought it together, she would have known. I packed some food and drove back to my house after everyone settled to their bedrooms.

    As I drove home, I became suspicious. Like, how could he do that to me, then I thought, he must have bought it for himself but didn’t want it and gave it to me instead – like, everything hand-me-downs, they’ll give it to me. As I arrived, showered and settled at home, I charged the smartwatch my dad gave me, changed the straps – the black leather straps look a lot better on my wrist than the steel one and checked what’s inside the box.

    I found the manual and some sort of warranty documents, then I saw the date of purchase. It was in 2020! And then I remembered my brother gave a Fossil watch to my dad for his birthday. Could this be the same watch? The settings of the phone, too, were configured for an iPhone and with my dad’s email address.

    I was heartbroken, like not angry heartbroken. It’s a sad feeling. My dad is not as he was years back. He’s in a fragile and vulnerable position right now. Maybe he is feeling powerless to help me, that’s why he’s like avoiding, even talking with me. Despite of that, he still wants to give his best to me. That’s my dad’s love to me. He has given me everything he could, even when in times he could not afford to. I feel that he’s really in big crisis right now and really need our help. On the bright side, I kind of glad that he didn’t spend so much money for a gift that I don’t really in favour of (like the almost 3 grands Tumi backpack they gave me last year).

    It is a huge awakening for me. I, too, am feeling so vulnerable and don’t know how I could turn my life around. But so far, things are kind of on track. I want to help my family and not be too financially dependent on them. I am not messing around anymore. Inside, I know I can do this. Just still figuring out what works. Allah will guide me, as long as I do it for the right reason with all my heart.

    May Allah protect my parents from their worries and insecurities; and teach them to be at peace and surrender to Him; and bless my parents with good health and meaningful life. I love my parents, and thank you Allah for blessing me with wonderful mom and dad who love me unconditionally with all their hearts.

  • October updates!

    Life has been moving so fast these past 4 weeks. It’s mid-October already. I’m trying to get back to slower pace of life. Recently bagged myself new clients and new job, connected with new people. Coping with the ‘new’-ness of my man’s behaviour. It’s all too much for me without processing and without much support. There were good things and maybe not bad but these things trigger my insecurity a lot especially in the financial aspects of which I am seriously building on. I am also feeling so ill today, my body is giving way and there’s no one here to comfort me (well I can always go home to my parents, but it’s my recharge day!).

    Feeling so vulnerable and the fact that I can’t spend time and share it with my man makes me feel hopeless. Also, makes me question the whole ‘us’ thing. I wonder if he’s thinking about me as often as I do of him. This guy really makes me crazy sometimes, but yeah I just need to be myself and tell him how I feel eventhough it might drive him away. I don’t know if his act of keep coming back to me is because he genuinely loves me or just caused by something superficial. I am just generally anxious because I don’t know how to address it.

    Anyways, today I planned to go see my painting to resume and have a look at them. But my body is just so exhausted, thank God I don’t feel sore a lot because I went to train. I’m just feeling inflamed and undernourished. I don’t know what else to do other than eat, lying in bed and watch movie. I watched the movie ‘Eternal Sunshine of A Spotless Mind’ in the afternoon. It was a great movie and so moving. I think most men in my life have mother issue. It’s also funny that inside, I feel so dark, and yet people see me as a ‘lively’ and ‘bubbly’ character. I related the relationships in that movie with mine, it’s like everyone has conflicts – it’s how they resolve and communicate their differences. I don’t know what to make of mine. It’s just a floating thing, sometimes okay, sometimes not. I don’t want to mother my partner, maybe deep down I just want someone else who can be a better father for me. I also learn that with wounded and introverted men, they don’t have space in their head to think about other people. It’s just their survival, sometimes, I catch myself behaving like that with things that don’t matter to me. I don’t understand this, maybe just live and do my best to make it meaningful.

    Yesterday was so ‘dark’ for me, I was listening to “Kingdom of Rust” again and it’s just so beautiful about someone who’s unable to feel. When it sang “I long to feel the beauty in my heart..” I just cried. I just let it go, I wasn’t sad for any reason. Maybe its a repressed feeling. When I feel good, it’s 100% great. When I’m not it’s 100% too. Maybe living is like that. Feel it and ask myself why do I feel that way and move on. I mean, when I’m already feeling tired and ill and the weather is just crazy, it’s just hard to feel good these days. I just don’t have the strength to deal with everything right now. I’m turning 41 years old in a few days, would I stay like this till I die? I am yet to find my breakthrough. It’s hard. Small progress with finance but not stable yet, relationship-wise also small progress. I just want routine, stability and peace. Nothing else matters much to me. I thought also beforehand that I am not normal, turns out when I get to know more people, the more I see that we are all in the same boat. I am ahead if I have more awareness and initiatives than other people. So, I really am not broken. I can make things happen for me. I just need to keep trying and make mistakes until I find it.

    Gosh it’s really hot in here. I have so many things to fix like my nutrition and energy level, my studies, my pending work, the things I promised my parents. How do people do it? My car is making me crazy too with all the loud noise. I am just could not see right now how I could make all these things right for me. I already put a timeline for the things I needed to do but still it’s not moving at all. I am still as sick and hungry and tired as before. Is it my work that’s making me crazy? Or is it that I am not feeling much support from the man I love? Oh Allah, please teach me how this works. I am clueless as ever. I don’t know what I can do right anymore.

    I know what my mind and body is trying to tell me, it thinks that I am in danger. Only in danger of what I am not sure. Sometimes I can stay calm and just surrender to Allah, because Allah knows best, and he always helps me and be there for me. Yeah, no point feeling threatened by someone who is not capable of loving and protecting the way I want to because of his wounds himself. There’s so much frustration in me right now. Here are some of the things that made me crazy these past few days:

    • Loud noise from car and recent sound system problem made my ear rang several times. I’m scared that I might turn deaf because of that.
    • Got a new job teaching for a new centre, but I am not feeling myself with this job – plus it just doesn’t feel right sometimes cause I am at different wavelength with my participants and the place – I don’t know what make them feel excited in exercising – to them it is still torture, and not challenges – so maybe this one makes me stress out a bit. I am worried this gig does not last as long as I’d like it to. But lets not worry about it now.
    • And the place that I currently work at is so mean, like not caring of us who work for them.
    • My group exercise clients are a pain at the moment. OMG why people are so disrespectful like this. I am not gonna sugarcoat anything with them, just gonna be myself and act professional.
    • I am just tired of dealing with people right now be it my clients, my employees, my family and my own partner.
    • I am tired of people hitting on me when I let loose and be myself, can you all just chill and act normal.
    • Stress and anxiety from pending jobs. I just feel like, if I don’t feel good about myself, if I don’t get my affairs sorted, I can’t do things for other people.
    • I sensed some changes with my man, I don’t know if its good or not. He’s less defensive with me which is good. I also feel uncomfortable that he changed his style which I’m not a fan of. I like my man clean not scruffy. I don’t know yet what he is going through, only some details and it sounded like he is exhausted himself, but really nothing I can do if he would not let me.
    • I hate that I still depend on my parents, like how can I let go of this dependence already. I can do this, just a little bit more.
    • My research is stalling for a bit now, but this one is the least of my concern cause I know how to handle this, and I have my support.
    • Classes keep cancelling, people are not showing up. I mean people have things to do, right. I am worried that my schedule got changed or reduced because of no show. This will affect my income and my ability to pay for bills.

    Above all, I also don’t want to factor out that all these crazy feelings also were intensified by PMS. I dealt with so many things in a short time. I was in full on hustle and fight mode. That’s why I am so exhausted emotionally now. Many good things happened too, such as:

    • I found a mechanic who could solve my car problems for now. And my mom is ok to help me with fixing costs – maybe I feel stressed because it’s as if I need to do a big favour for her if she helps me
    • My income exceed RM1,000 per month now, which means I have enough bullet to add my values in teaching in fitness or even indulge a bit on nice things.
    • Again, my man is less defensive so it’s really a nice progress.
    • My sister, niece and nephew paid a visit to my house. It was short and so special because I get to show them my safe sanctuary.
    • I get to train again. It feels so good!!! I want to get paid to train. I am going to do that for a year, and maybe sign up to become a CrossFit coach.
    • I got new ear-piercings on my left ear together with my niece. It was so special and my niece was so cute with her new piercing. I just realise how big is my love for her. Made me wonder, maybe that was how my aunties were with me. I am so sorry if I appear disimissive or cold towards them. Also to my mom and my grandma who love me so much. I think my dad too, but he just could not put his guard down (like my man!).
    • My dad keeps a couple of selfies I took in my younger years wearing makeup – that was so corny and sweet at the same time!
    • Relaunch at the gym was nice, and some of the members like finally accepting of myself as a person, not like a perfect celebrity coach.
    • I got myself checked for breast cancer and I was cleared and good. Funny experience doing mammogram and ultrasound. Kind a like, one milestone achieved as a healthy woman.
    • I can sense now the validation that I am working in fitness and that I am knowledgeable about it.

    I am just burnt out and not managing myself well. Things happened and just focus on what I can control. Everything I listed out is a lot for a 4 weeks occasion. At least I am alive to experience this all. I am safe, I am OK and I am taken care of. Don’t worry.