Virtually Nurul – { Research | Fitness | Designs } by Nurul

Author: Nurul

  • Be the Person That I Needed the Most

    I am so tempted to pick a fight (confront misbehaviour) again! The last time we fought was in October last year. Being in a relationship with someone who is really basic at relating could be frustrating most of the times. Ultimatums will not change someone, it only showed my fickleness and that I did not really meant what I said. It is not an ideal relationship, it is not so bad but I would say it is so bland and lacking in emotional support and consistency like a healthy relationship, at least like the one that I am expecting.

    I have the tendency to lash out at someone when the person (especially that I am so comfortable with, like a boyfriend), when things are not going my way, or when the person’s responses towards me made me feel anxious; especially after I have told explicitly so many times by words and actions on the consequences. It is partly my responsibility, too, as I have chosen to be with someone that is totally inept at relating and only absorbed by his own thoughts and problems most of the times. Seeing that this behaviour is so consistent for years, I have to make a choice whether to stay or leave. Truthfully, I don’t have the energy to leave yet because I would likely have to deal with his rationale (I am just being positive here, it could be his manipulative tactics) to show that he is not at fault. He is not changing his behaviour either. He is a decent man, but so traumatised with his past experiences that it is hard to discern if he is acting out of his intention, or out of looking good to please people. Very rarely has he shown his authentic side with me. So that really makes me feel 50/50 about the relationship. It could and it could not, even after all these years.

    What lacks in this relationship is that communication consistency. Like, I share things a lot, like other women in love. I want him to know what is going on in my world, my feelings, my concerns, like how I am interested in his. When we are apart, everything just disconnects – not even a single acknowledgement of my attempt to connect. That really makes me disappointed and rejected at times. I feel like that is so inconsiderate of him for treating me that way. He does not remember dates nor wishes me on important days. It makes me wonder, does he want something real or not?

    Last week I texted him twice with no response. I don’t want to text a word more to protect my mental health. At this age, I feel like that was really stupid and lazy. Yes, he is a lazy and emotionless partner. Enough bantering and blaming him, I thought to myself, what would I do now? I decided to soak in the vulnerable feelings – feel all the feels, but quickly switch the attention back to myself, on how can I meet my own needs. My brain is full of stuff. I have to let it out or express them so that it is not cluttered in there. Talking to him makes me feel good. So when he is not around, I feel upset because I could not talk it out with my favourite person. Many times I have asked him why he do what he does. His explanation was so unsatisfactory. It is either he has not dig deep within or he is hiding something from me. I just have to find an alternate outlet. From now on, I am just going to dump everything here to empty out my mind and soothe my own emotions. I wonder if other people in a healthy or happy relationship does this as well – self-regulating themselves. It is like, for me, in a relationship, I would want to be able to share everything that makes me feel happy, upset, sad whatever, my experience of life to my partner. I want him to be my source of comfort when I worry or anxious or upset; so that I can face the hard truths of life knowing someone got my back. When these are consistently taken away from me, I feel like, staying together is pointless really as my needs have not been met when he is not around.

    Sometimes, when I am less triggered and got my logical thinking on, I thought, he is just human, as messed up as I am. He is also dealing with his own mess without involving and burdening me. If he lies to me, that is on him and has got nothing to do with me. I always have the choice. If he is being cold, I have the power to disengage. It is not about me. My life is not affected, I still am an awesome, beautiful and capable woman. My ego is bruised big time when he ignores me. I am not less worthy or unlovable deserving of a partner who treats me well with kindness and consideration and love consistently. My life still goes on as usual. I feel things, only the message is unclear as for now – maybe I am also in denial. I will not try to solve this, it is all already planned for me on Allah’s will. If we are destined to be together, we will be. For now, I will let it go, sit in with some uncomfortable feelings and surrender everything to Allah and focus with what I needed to do (which are aplenty! That is why I am so upset when I cannot talk to someone to untangle this mess.).

    Today, other than training, I really did not do anything else except eat and rest (these are necessary too). My mind told me today that maybe I don’t like myself that much today, I am unhappy about a lot of things. I fear that I might not finish my studies as things stall way too much. I missed deadlines, nobody cares on my efforts, my body hurts so much (super slow recovery) and I am short on cash again this month (another story and it is exhausting). Instead of reflecting and dealing with it, I choose to find external validation or stimulation to distract myself from my issues. On another context too, I need comfort and reassurance that things will be okay. Which I feel is kind of true. I often find myself want to punch him in the face when I am in trouble or in challenging situations and that he is not around to soothe and protect me. Instead of obsessing about his lack of presence in my life, just feel the uneasiness and unhappiness, I am on the right track. Things are moving forward, only at unexpectedly slower pace and with a lot of difficulties. Stay calm and be at peace with uncertainties. I will be okay. I am my own person, not my boyfriend’s, my parents, my siblings or anybody else. Allah got my back.

  • How Did I Go After 1 Year Working in Fitness Industry as Fulltime Fitness Professional

    This week is the second week that I work and teach almost full schedule again after fasting month – and first week in with full CrossFit training on. My body is adjusting to it. The feeling is so messy and uncomfortable. I feel stressed all the time coupled with feeling fatigue, anxiety on ongoing data collection tasks as well as the hot weather condition. Next month, I am adding another class on top of my existing ones. All these classes need reviewing sooner or later. Sometimes, I feel that I could not sustain this kind of intensity day in day out for a long time. Then again, there are more instructors doing way more classes than me. I got to figure out how to take care of myself better.

    I am so grateful for being able to teach fitness classes. It is one of the times that I do feel like myself and I could share my full authenticity with those who attended mine. It has not been so rewarding financially yet, but experiencing things like witnessing a fitness transformation of someone that I play a part of is so satisfying. I have never been happier at my work than ever before. I have progressed from teaching 2-3 classes a week into potentially up to 11 classes a week if I don’t have to cover for anyone else. I also look different, way better, more defined and muscular (the weight has not changed much). It is safe to say, I really like the way I am physically and never have felt better before. However, the fatigue that comes with it is so real, it really affects my life and overall daily functioning. I need more time for self-care like doing nothing, be alone and away from people (I meet people everyday), sleep and do self-audit like right now. It is the first week that I have been able to do this. I am not frustrated, just feeling a tad bit out of alignment.

    My daily routine starts with getting up early at 5.00am if I am going to train or 6.45am to get ready for morning class. If there is no class, I would usually be at home by 9.00am, recover and get extra sleep for 2 hours. If there is class, I would be at home by 12pm earliest. I would do whatever to recover, whether eat or sleep before 2.30pm. Normally, my body would settle down and is OK to function at 3pm onwards. This is when I do other things that require thinking and calling people – those that are not fitness related. Then, by 4.30pm I would get ready to get to 5.30pm class, and usually stays out until 9.30pm earliest to reach home. I got a wee bit hours after that to relax and get in tune with myself before going to bed usually by 11.30pm or 12am-ish. My typical sleep would be 3-4 hours maximum. So, this is me with this non-optimal, consistently in pain and fatigue body. Something has to be done, otherwise, I would not progress and just stay in this cycle of agony.

    Today, I actually was researching about my nutrition for hours, almost half of the day – looking for the most cost-effective way to stay nourished and hit my micronutrients so that I could function better. It was really crazy, I have never worry about what I eat before. Now it’s like, how could I hit 165g of protein daily? What are my options? Real food? Whey? BCAAs? What are the costs involved? At first I thought to myself, why was I spending so much time trying to solve this. Now it occurred to me, if I don’t change the way I eat, it will affect my job and my ability to function according to my values. It is the core, if I am not healthy and fit to teach and role model, there goes my salary. And I might not be able to progress at my CrossFit training as my body is almost always in pain after training. Creating balance with planning my nutrition intake with real food and supplement with restrained budget can be really frustrating. Maybe it is that hard, I need detailed planning and survey my options. I, for sure, am not alone facing this kind of issue.

    Currently I am taking whey proteins as supplements. However, I feel that it affects my mood so much and I am consistently feeling inflamed and hot inside. That really bothers me, and my body, too, does not recover as quickly as I have expected it to. Probably I need more BCAAs (recommended intake 4-20g daily) and could use real food to fulfill my protein intake. So that is about 130-150g of protein spread out throughout the day – probably I could do something like 25g, 30g, 30g, 45g, 20g. What is left now, is to determine what menu to have depending on budget and my choice of food. Option 2, should I continue with whey protein (the hormonal effect I really diss, but let’s see for another month if it is going to become better); I could opt for 2 daily servings (50g), and then the 110g spread out in 4 meals so it could look like this – 20g, 30g, 30g, 30g. Looks achievable. My daily caloric intake could be around 2400-2600kcal, so there’s a lot of room for variety.

    Next strategy, is to research potential high protein sources from food that is available to me and within my budget. I am looking for chicken, black beans, eggs, cheese, yogurt and tuna as my source of protein. What meals that could come out of this, I am still figuring out. My monthly expense for food normally goes around RM200-350 (this was before whey protein, and I was still undernourished). Good whey protein costs about RM250 a month, BCAAs around RM60-RM90 depending on the amount gram per tablet. I am really skewing towards BCAA for the cost and also for functionality as it is the speedy and effective muscle recovery that I am looking for. Whey protein has BCAAs too and I could potentially consume up to 20g of them daily. I can’t know for sure how my body feels until I go through and feel it. Cost-wise, with BCAA, I have got to buy more quality food. With whey, less food and I have to be selective with what I am going to buy. I have just ordered another month supply of whey protein. In June, I would start with this BCAA strategy. The most important thing now, what should I buy for groceries to cater for 110g of protein daily while not neglecting other nutrition needs like vitamins and minerals.

    Getting in tune with my body and ensuring that I take care of it is definitely a process. My body is just so strained and stressed as I teach and train for about 4-5 hours daily. Theoretically, I know what had to be done. Practicing it is another struggle. I am determined to nail this and be good at it so that I will feel more confident when offering general meal suggestions towards my clients; and ultimately for my own well-being.

  • Healing with Cory Muscara

    Happy Friday! I am feeling so sluggish and a bit of anxious today. Some stuffs are bothering me right now. Mainly financial, and then I worry for my safety caused by car issue and another thing is about how I am not eating and sleeping enough to sustain my lifestyle training and working in fitness. Other than that, things are pretty rosy (and challenging). Today, I came across a post by Cory Muscara on Instagram (@corymuscara) on his lessons after 6-months meditating and living like monks. I am so glad I have found it, convinced me a lot that I have healed a lot and I am just getting better. Here are the things that he shared:

    1. Find your true self is an act of love. Expressing it is an act of rebellion.
    2. A sign of growth is having more tolerance for discomfort. But it’s also having less tolerance for bullshit.
    3. Who you are is not your fault, but it is your responsibility.
    4. Desires that arise in agitation are more aligned with your ego. Desires that arise in stillness are more aligned with your soul.
    5. Procrastination is the refusal or inability to be with difficult emotions.
    6. The moment before letting go is often when we grip the hardest.
    7. You don’t find your ground by looking for stability. You find your ground by relaxing into instability.
    8. What you hate most in others is usually what you hate most in yourself.
    9. The biggest life hack is becoming your own best friend. Everything is easier when you do.
    10. The more comfortable you become in your own skin, the less you need to manufacture the world around you for comfort.
    11. An interesting thing happens when you start to like yourself. You no longer need all the things you thought you needed to be happy.
    12. If you don’t train your mind to appreciate what is good, you’ll continue to look for something better in the future, even when things are great.
    13. The belief that there is some future moment more worth our presence than the one we’re in right now is why we miss our lives.
    14. There is no set conditions that leads to lasting happiness. Lasting happiness doesn’t come from conditions, but from learning to flow with conditions.
    15. We often need to get out of alignment with the rest of the world to get back into alignment with ourselves.
    16. Real confidence looks like humility. You no longer need to advertise your value because it comes from a place that does not require the validation of others.
    17. Negative thoughts will not manifest a negative life. But unconscious negative thoughts will.
    18. Bullying yourself into enlightenment does not work. You must befriend yourself to transcend yourself.
    19. There are 3 layers to a moment: Your experience, your awareness of the experience, and your story about the experience. Be mindful of the story.
    20. Your mind doesn’t wander. It moves toward what it finds most interesting. To improve focus, become curious about what’s in front of you.
    21. Life continues whether you pay attention to it or not. I think it’s why the passage of time is so scary.
    22. High pain tolerance is a double-edged sword. It’s key for self-control, but can cause us to override the pain of being out of alignment.
    23. Peak experiences are fun, but you always have to come back. Learning to appreciate ordinary moments is the key to a fulfilling life.
    24. You cannot practice non-attachment. You can only show your mind the suffering attachment creates. When the mind sees this clearly, it will let go.
    25. Meditation can easily become suppression. Don’t use concentration to avoid what is uncomfortable.
    26. Meditation is not about feeling good. It’s about feeling what you’re feeling with good awareness. Plot twist: Eventually that makes you feel good.
    27. Some of the deepest peace we can experience is living in integrity. You can lie to other people about who you are, but you can’t lie to your heart.
    28. Be careful not to let the noise of your mind overpower the whispers of your heart.
    29. Life is always happening in just one moment. That’s all you’re responsible for.
    30. Monks love to fart while they meditate. The wisdom of letting go is expressed in many forms.
    31. You can’t life-hack wisdom. Do the work.

    Can relate to most of it. Hope his work is not a scam. Looking forward to more of his sharings.

  • Be Still

    I am just feeling so overwhelmed lately especially due to the excruciatingly hot weather and that I can’t eat or drink to at least give some motivation to keep doing what I needed to get done.

    Came across an Instagram post yesterday talking about trauma in women causing them to mess up in their feminine side believing that being feminine is harmful and being more masculine will help them survive. Well that’s exactly me! Only that I realise that I’m more leaning towards my feminine side this time around.

    I have always been feminine with my joy in expressing creativity in my work. I love perfumes, nice smells and pampering myself. It’s just that being this way is deemed as lazy and unproductive by my parents and mostly by the environment around me. So, it’s me who needs to enjoy and validate the feminine side of me.

    Today, I’m feeling messy because I am so exhausted I think my health is giving way because I didn’t rest, drink and eat enough. I already undereat during non-fasting month. So by eating less (not intentionally) during fasting month of course is going to set me back. It’s one of the things I need to seriously take care of.

    So much things to do, I want to make a new pair of baju raya for me also, study-wise, a lot of catching up to do. It feels so out of hand for me already. Things for book publisher, for my supervisor, for my data collection. My work is fine and I’m so grateful for it. Only that I have so much pending projects to do which I have no clue yet how am I gonna finish them. My mom expects me to help her so does my grandma. I was also a bit anxious cause my man is not responding to my call for connection. So that agitated me a bit. Good grief that we have delivered the new BodyPump release at the gym, so that lighten the load for myself a little bit.

    I realised that though what I’ve been doing is for my future (hopefully!), I feel that I’m not doing enough for me, to make time doing what makes me feel good, what makes me feel alive and happy – to express myself. So despite of pressure to move things forward, I just decided not to do anything and relax, focus on myself.

    What I like about me this year is that I stuck with my financial system that I managed to control my spending and actually saved some money for myself. Though I still have a long way to go, I feel optimistic with the way I handled it. I want to learn more about money and relate better with it.

    I also becoming better at caring and standing up for myself, doing what I want to do versus doing what people expect me to do. For that, I wanna thank and pat myself at the back for such good work. Omg, this was so not me just 4 years ago!

    You are doing great Nurul. You are not behind, you are exactly where you want to be. Now let’s get ready to spend the day for myself that is to make baju raya instead of just doing study work and worrying about them!

  • DBA Milestone: Beginning of Semester 5!

    Time flies so fast, I can’t remember what I did during Semester 4. Our requirements were to present our progress in colloquium and present and publish an article which I did them both. I drafted my Chapter 4 and Chapter 5 but have not gotten around to complete them. I initiated data collection preparation as well while waiting for my REC application to come through. Now is to follow up my data collection process which I need to execute and collect the actual data. So many parties and people involved. First I needed a system to track my progress and record all the contact details and the status of contact with relevant parties and agencies.

    On data collection, what I did so far:

    • Find an application and demonstration site
    • Get IoT application supplier and actual farmer to get involved
    • Enhanced the BM translations of my questionnaires, though not checked yet
    • Getting contacts of RISDA officers statewide and Jabatan Pertanian Sabah

    What needs to be done:

    • Finalised my BM translations
    • Create educational and awareness video for the survey
    • Compile the survey presentations to be distributed towards respondents
    • Follow up with agencies
    • Plan my data collection trips

    On writing, I gotta start writing templates of my reports and read more on methodology. For instance, get better understanding on the statistical sense why I choose my sampling method and how I came about with the quantity of the respondents. I also need to get ready my PLS-SEM model as according to my proposed framework.

    To be honest, it felt a lot for one person to do all this in just a few months. But I am so excited already and really looking forward to collect all my data. I can do this. Lets begin the semester with better systems and more clarity!

  • Dealing with Shame and Disappointment

    I missed a deadline that I had promised to meet! It is an opportunity, a shot to be published in Taylor & Francis. I tried so hard to write and finish a book chapter manuscript eventhough I was given only about a month to get it done. It is so important to me as an aspiring tech consultant to get my ideas and views get across. Last night, I was planning to continue writing and get it done – the deadline already past in Malaysian timezone, but not in UK. I don’t think I am the only one who have thought of pushing it like that using the timezone as buffer. By 12.30 am, I was so exhausted and I felt that I am going to stress my body further if I did not go to bed and rest. I wrote an email asking for deadline extension – knowing full well how UK people work and just hoping for a little window of time to complete my paper.

    This morning I got up as usual, the time I got up for work. I felt a deep sense of shame and disappointment on myself. This felt too familiar. I looked up on Google if it’s common for writers to ask for extension. Turned out a lot of people do! I felt better. Then, to my instinct, I searched on how much does it cost to publish a book chapter – I was shocked to find out the answer (from as little as USD800 to thousands). I felt so much better. Maybe God is protecting me and showing me how to prepare better for a book project.

    It got me into deep thinking why did I feel shame so much. My feelings of fear, the desperation to finish, the anxiety and mind-racing structuring what I would write in the midst of idle times were all too intense and real. There I was again, in fight mode. I was not in grave danger, but my body and responses felt like it. Then, I told myself, I had never been taught how to deal with shame and disappointment when I was little. I had a conversation with my nephew on winning and losing on how to deal with it. It was so funny when I listen to my own compassionate advice to others, the disappointment for not ‘winning’ did not feel so bad. I broke my routine and did uncomfortable things to make it work, that made me upset too. What’s worse that can happen if I didn’t publish my journal? Partly it was ego – I am not used to ‘losing’, secondly, I wanted to publish so bad – it is fine, I am human with feelings.

    The feeling of shame and disappointment were so intense early in the morning. I was so tired and did not enjoy teaching today. I feel like I am unknowingly going to autopilot again, except that what I had trained to adapt, becoming routine – as in I don’t struggle anymore. Isn’t that great that I am progressing with my supertiring days. Intense feeling is there to feel and to process what did not work with me. It is up to me to receive the signal and feel all the emotions. My strong emotion is my strength.

    Recently I was driving to work feeling so anxious that I was swearing to any car that drove slower than 50kmph in front of me. I don’t know, rush hour traffic drives me mad and the people here are not the best of drivers (me included) – but yeah driving with anxiety and feeling pissed off never are a good combo. It felt too real, I wonder sometimes how come I feel that strongly to the point of hyperventilating and I can feel the reactions of my body if I feel something. Most of the times, I need time to ground myself and recompose. Sometimes I can, sometimes I can’t and just stayed pissed off and moody. Maybe I am good at expressing my emotions (not verbally), that people can feel it without me saying anything. During the drive, I asked myself why was I so pissed off and anxious – the answer to that was I was late and did not prepared enough for class or I had other stuff pending to do. I actually arrived gym on time as usual, not a single minute late – only a few minutes later than what I am comfortable to. Things led to another, I came to conclusion that I was mostly disappointed with myself because I held myself highly accountable to my own high expectations. It’s good to have and maintain standards, but I have trouble accepting if things don’t go my way – as in life, it rarely does which I often get if I stay obsessed (maybe I need to challenge this so that I can relax and not hold on to some idea so tightly.)

  • Generally Worried – Jan 2024

    Feeling off today, generally worried and anxious. Things that made me feel all stressed out today are:

    • Having to get up early to train
    • Uncertain if my car gonna behave well tomorrow morning
    • Data collection stuff
    • Deadlines for paper
    • Finance
    • He’s being mute again

    It’s the attachment again, like I couldn’t relax and I feel the need to hold strong on being on alert mode which is so exhausting. I forgot how to work on this. Detach? And I really need help right now, seems like no one’s willing to help me the way that I need.

    Most of the things I am worried about can be changed. Only about him, there’s nothing I can do right now. It’s just so frustrating communicating with him. I don’t know how much longer I could stand this guy’s treatment.

    Relax, whatever that is destined for me will be mine.

  • Data Collection Timeline

    I am getting agitated with the whole deadlines needed to meet early this year. Thank God I have fulfilled everything needed for Semester 4. I have got 2 more semesters, that is more or less 6-8 months left to complete everything on my research. Still I feel I am not doing enough and had to accelerate a bit. So stressful! I have got to strategy on completing my painting jobs as well. I will probably visit navy base on the next CNY public holidays 10&11 Feb.

    Video production (3&4/2)

    • Outline of script – info to share
    • Filming and script for Owan’s Farm – content include their operation and a bit of testimonial
    • Manual guide on how to use the system

    Pre-test

    • Set deadline (push until 10/2)
    • List of people to respond
    • Prepare PLS-SEM
    • Pretest analysis and find preliminary results by mid-Feb (15/2)

    First distribution

    • Email/Contact and get database from PIC – call and contact Jabatan Pertanian Sabah (29/1)
    • Distribute according to cluster
    • Finalise BM language version before 4/2

  • DBA Milestone: Data Collection

    So thrilled that my REC application for data collection has already been approved! I have everything ready and found a working IoT application to supply with my questionnaire. It’s just a blessing and a coincidence that it came upon me to check on my cousin who is doing a fertigation chillies farm. I knew he mentioned something about creating a new IoT application. When I came and paid a visit to have a look at his farm and the system, it was exactly what I was looking for!

    Showed and explained to my supervisors about the plan, they were all so thrilled about it. I also called and coordinated with RedTONE the supplier for the system. They seemed OK with it. Everything is just ready for me to launch.

    A few things I need to prepare for data collection include:

    • Check BM translation for the questionnaire – get Bobby to check the language
    • Send English questionnaires for pre-test
    • Set timeline for data collection (Gantt chart)
    • Video productions for 1) IoT awareness what it is and benefits, 2) application of IoT system with Adek’s farm and the system, on how to use
    • Beware of the need to translate to Chinese language
    • Get RISDA to be involved and RedTONE
    • Send email with details to RedTONE
    • Get estimated revenue per cycle and costs from Adek after using the IoT
    • Join workshops organised by Jabatan Pertanian to gather data (strategy)

    Out of data collection, I am so thrilled that my proposal to write a chapter for a book under Taylor & Francis got accepted. I also have to ask Dr Jain if I can join courses that I failed under other UiTM campus. May God help me. I am so grateful for this progress.

  • Happy New Year 2024!

    OMG it’s the 2nd week into the year 2024. So much things going on, and there are so many I want to write about but couldn’t get around to.

    Among the things that I wanted to write are on:
    – My first CrossFit competition
    – A lot on teaching reflections
    – My progress in DBA
    – Tips on delivering a good research proposal defense presentation
    – New package for PT 2024

    I’m just so excited, but afraid that I’m just pacing myself too fast. On relationship front, I’m getting more stable and I got triggered less now. Finally feeling safe and secure, but at times I just got annoyed with my man – I’m seeing he’s making effort as well so, not complaining now.

    My goal this year is to strengthen my financial stand, I have developed a system (so proud of myself). Now I need to remain steadfast and stick to it for a year. May God bless! Till next time!