Virtually Nurul – { Research | Fitness | Designs } by Nurul

Author: Nurul

  • Thesis is Coming to Fruition!

    I have been spending all day indoors analysing and writing my thesis. I thought I have done most of it. Turns out there are loads more to do! I have more or less 5 days to detail everything out before I submit my thesis draft to my supervisor. However, I am happy with my results and it seems that all the components needed for my thesis are there. I am so grateful for that. Only thing is, time is almost not on my side. I am already anticipating this hecticness, with my preparation for competition this weekend. So that’s officially 3 days off! Maybe I can bring along my laptop to write while waiting during the competition.

    I have been progressing so well. I can’t let myself be disorganised or distracted. I feel that I need to pace myself tenfold but that only means not sleeping, eating, working or going out at all. I hope I’m not gonna be too tired to write after work tomorrow.

    Checklist for my thesis:

    • Chapter 3 – Polish on my literature review – evidence and details on confounding Conceptual framework
    • Chapter 4 – Methodology – elaborate on my processes from questionnaire, applications, how I conduct everything – tell them! And then write the parameters I use for all the analyses
    • Chapter 5-Decide on VAF, competitive or complimentary mediation, analyse open ended questions, write my analysis – tables all done!
    • Chapter 6 – Detail out my contribution

    More effort needed for Chapter 4 & 5. Really now for the next 2 days, I will only focus on these two.

    I will get it done, no matter what! (but still not neglecting my own needs). I’m really excited about the thesis. I wish I could write faster.

  • Data Analysis – Deep Focus Work

    Crammed in at home and wrote my data analysis for more than 12 hours yesterday! Crazy longest hours I’ve spent on desk work. The more I analyse all the data that I took (that costed me almost 5 grand!), the more I discover on other stuff to check and detailed out.

    The findings drove me wild! I can’t wait to finish them all and do a proper write up. In my data analysis part, I have included:

    • Descriptive analysis of each item
    • Analysis per construct for each cluster/division
    • TRI, EA analysis for Sabah and each cluster
    • Demographic profile
    • Knowledge and awareness profiles
    • PLS-SEM analysis – measurement, structural and median analysis

    I was stuck for a bit due to questions regarding analysing reflective formative higher order construct. After almost a week researching, turned out I couldn’t do it because of defect in questionnaire design. I couldn’t do redundancy analysis / convergence test cause there’s no global item or formative response to compare my data against. It’s also refreshing to know that I wasn’t alone. Some authors skip it altogether, but I couldn’t find very good references on this, so I decided to do direct reflective lower order analysis instead. After I have made that decision, things are just flowing moving forward. Thank God, like finally! Should I have another opportunity to conduct this kind of studies, I will carefully design my instrument.

    Earlier on, I was stuck at detailing my sampling method. If I am looking for Sabah agriculture demography, I almost didn’t have enough numbers. A week over reading and researching, I have settled on how to structure my writeup and finalise my data for analysis accordingly with the cluster portion.

    At this stage, I can see clearly now the stuff I learn theoretically. All the research process that I’m going through is so important and have to be conducted ethically for it to be meaningful. There’s a certain level of responsibility involved when I think of who am I delivering my research reports for. After checking out the preliminary results, I have just found a new drive to finish my thesis the soonest I can. It’s too important for others to see especially the policy makers. One week to go, I will finish it on time! May Allah ease.

  • Don’t Look Back

    Triggered by a few events today. The day started out quite okay, then I started to feel gloomy. I had a quick nap after class, and then received a text from my brother asking for a document I may have from our past dealings. I started to feel heavy, but looked for it anyway and didn’t find one. One thought to another, I felt how much a failure I am on fulfilling my duty towards my family. I felt like I let my family down, especially towards my dad who sacrificed and spent so much for me. He was once my hero, but over time I just feel like he’s so full of himself. And I am feeling guilty because it is as if I am taking advantage of my mom’s unconditional love to help me whenever I am in trouble.

    I looked the document up on my old laptop (which was loaned by mom). It is full of files and my saved articles from the days before I met him; and during the earlier times we were together. Suddenly, the feeling of failure and remorse just rushed within me. My heart feels heavy, and I am just feeling shame and hopeless. Looking back, I am so doing way better now than I was; but I feel unsettled because it is as though me leaving and standing up for myself causes others to suffer.

    It is like, everything that I started feel like they are going to fail and that I am going nowhere – which is my biggest fear. Like, I am back to square one. Maybe my beginning is now – things fell apart, things and people who are not serving me are no longer with me. I raised my standard. I am not where I was before – and moving forward is scary. But I am not going to let this thought to hinder my progress away. I am supposed to finish writing my data analysis part. I was just full of it – the shame and the feeling like I was not good enough. I am good enough. I will complete my studies. I will run my own consultancy and IT business. I will make it as an athlete and as a fitness instructor. I will thrive financially. I will have a loving and fulfilling relationship with the man of my dream. I deserve the best that life has to offer. I deserve to live up to my full potential. Don’t look back, the time is now.

  • Hypersensitivity

    I can’t remember what inspired me to look it up, just out of the blue, this morning, I was curious if I am a hypersensitive person. When I looked up some articles, it somewhat rang true. It’s not a defect, it is just a trait. It, then, made sense why I feel so much. Why I don’t like being rushed. Why I need alone time to decompress and a lot more.

    Then, it occurred to me, he might be a hypersensitive person as well. That’s why we understand each other. But I suspect he is more sensitive than I am. If that is the case, that really sucks from his end. I mean, I feel deeply. It already feels like there is a storm inside me. I don’t know how it likes with him. Seriously, if we ever get in touch again, I would like to talk about this with him. I know he is a sensitive man. But it was like, “Oh he gets the little details”. Being hypersensitive is more than that.

    It’s a new potential answer on why am I feeling so unsettled all the time except when I sleep. In silence, there is so much noise inside. Like there are 10 people meeting and discussing whatever. Now that I am used to sit down and processing my feelings, the noise has reduced a lot. I knew deep inside that I am built differently than others. It is not I am special or gifted or something. It’s how I feel things, how I think and how I processed what’s going on outside or inside of me. This also explains why I am so easily worked up when inconvenience presents itself. I don’t remember much how I was when I was a kid. From what I remember, I have quite a tantrum last time and my mom never say ‘No’ to me. It’s quite a surprise really, of how I managed to learn taming that intensity away. But the drawback is that, though I appear calm outside, I really felt turbulent inside.

    In a way, I feel blessed with this sensitivity. I feel things. I am irreplaceable. No one can relate the way I relate with people if I really open myself up. But I am also worried if it’s going to be no good for me. Good news is, if I ever want to experience deep fulfilling love again, the sensitive type (but emotionally mature) is the kind of person that I would want to be with.

  • Vulnerable

    This track accompanied me at my most vulnerable moment where I needed to be strong and courageous. Mixed emotions. In the midst of dealing with pain from heartbreak, soldier through with the need to rest and work and feeling fear of my safety travelling alone. It’s like, survival mode 100% – no time to feel my feelings, due to the tight schedule with me dealing with my data collection work, coordinating with agencies and with enumerators. I didn’t feel like a human being at that time. On the night bus to Kunak, I feel especially weak and sad, finally feeling through my feelings in the dark. I cried only a little, but that’s okay. This song helped me to feel my humanness and the meaning of existing in this world.

    Just watched the videoclip. I don’t remember having seen it before. Kind of creepy, but really tells us we can’t turn back time. Only way is forward, and before we know it, we are leaving this planet; and that death is the only way to return. There really is no time that should be wasted.

    Return to Innocence

    Love
    Devotion
    Feeling
    Emotion

    Don’t be afraid to be weak
    Don’t be too proud to be strong
    Just look into your heart my friend
    That will be the return to yourself
    The return to innocence

    The return to innocence

    And if you want, then start to laugh
    If you must, then start to cry
    Be yourself don’t hide
    Just believe in destiny

    Don’t care what people say
    Just follow your own way
    Don’t give up and use the chance
    To return to innocence

    That’s not the beginning of the end
    That’s the return to yourself
    The return to innocence

    That’s return to innocence

  • Hello, What’s on My Mind?

    I’m feeling rather anxious right now. So many thoughts that I am processing? Maybe it’s time to stay away from social media and being so connected for awhile.

    Thoughts that trigger me from social media today:

    • I almost accidentally Liked a post of someone I didn’t follow (like sudden huge rush settling in). I didn’t check if I did though. But, I just want to think like this, if it happened, it was meant to!
    • And then, I was checking out a story from a therapist account saying that she needs to meditate more today cause so many things to get done and she wanted to sort her ‘anxies’ out. What a cute term for anxiety. So I thought, huh, anxieties are normal – I am not unwell, I was just around the wrong people and made wrong choices that generated my anxieties. Seriously, that was kind of a wake up call to me and the strategies to reduce anxieties are actually commonly practiced. It is just uncommon in my social circle.
    • I saw a post by someone I don’t know at all – not my acquaintance, like the way she presented herself was exactly like someone I knew (me!). I started to judge on how fake she was being and wrote a series of Stories on my Instagram to address how I feel about people like her. I still can’t figure out why it triggers me so much. Maybe because my ‘Fixer’ instinct is triggered to correct her and the rest of the world.
    • Things led to another, I wrote how I was working on learning self-awareness and on what are the things that nurture and hurt me, I began to think, maybe I should list that out. Yes, I definitely will.
    • Loneliness crept in, these few weeks I was noticing loud and clear on why whenever I feel vulnerable and need rescuing from my feelings, I will be reminded of him. If it’s wrong wanting my man to be my hero – I think that’s natural as a woman. I am still confused if my needs are too much or is there any method to balance this out. I definitely could sort my stuff out, but if I am coupled, I want my man to soothe me and make me feel everything is going to be fine.
    • Another post on relationship – on instead of thinking how I have lost on a good thing, I could reframe my thinking into – I dodged a bullet. Maybe he was right, though my gut is saying something else. Will I be able to fully trust my intuition? Only God knows.
    • I actually Googled how to not be jealous with married people. I want to be married when I found the right man. None of the advises or recommendations made me feel better. It’s not my time yet.
    • So the anxieties stem largely from financial insecurity – I wanted to participate in a competition in KL in October to celebrate my birthday. I think I could figure out on how to pay for those. Then again, I just remembered that I planned to go to Imbak Canyon with a friend also in October. Financially, I definitely can’t. I had to pick one of those. I really want to go compete though. I will reschedule Imbak trip, I hope my friend would be OK with it. And then, the stocks I bought aren’t performing well and I’m making a bit of loss. Maybe I should organise my investment and financial goals now that I know more tools available to grow my money.
    • Another thing that stresses me out today is on the data analysis work that I should be doing today. I have plenty of time, I’ll do it after dumping all of it here.
    • My Reyllen gears whereabout updates are not changing from the post tracker. So I have no idea when will I get them.
    • I have to cook my lunch today because I am really craving to each proper meal with rice today. But I am really lazy to wash and keep everything away.

    Out of 10, 7 of the list can be avoided if I don’t spend too much time on Internet and social media. I don’t know, I just need a break from work and training and studies. God, I want to pamper myself so much today because Tuesdays are chill days. I will spend some time for work for 2 hours and for myself for the rest of it.

    Good things that I did today:

    • During my free HPV injection today, a girl asked about what we were queueing for, and I explained to her that it’s a free HPV injection drive. She left after that. But came back to queue and got her injection after mine.
    • I managed to hang dry clean laundry that was done two days ago.
    • Did the whole athletes WOD after training today. Nice to have someone to train with me till finish. I lifted 46kg for split jerk today. I think my PR has increased from 50kg.
    • Foam roll my back, it hurt so much. So it was great that I did that.
    • The post I did on Instagram was good I think. I am going to rewrite them in a post on this website.
    • Realising that I have so much to be grateful for. My siblings, got to see my dad after a few days, received help from my brother. Cute nieces and nephews. Grateful that my grandmother is still alive and healthy. I have a place to go to if I need to sleep or eat in between work and appointments. My car, though sometimes being unknowingly crazy, is still up and running. And I still have money to spend for fuel or for food. I have all the tools to make things happen.

    So I think of my insecurities a lot. It’s hard for me to focus on what I need to do sometimes. I am on the right track and I will not mess things up. I have everything within me to make it happen. I have to trust it and trust that Allah has the best interest in me all the time. Let go of the control. Let go of uncertainties. Be fluid and focus on moving forward with grace, not by force and by doing things that hurt myself.

  • Nothing is Wrong with Wanting the Best for Myself

    It’s almost midnight. I have almost finished my chores for today except for continuing my data analysis. I’m feeling a bit tired and sleepy for that. Plus I haven’t showered, and I wanted to have a good clean hair wash today.

    The day started quite okay, then at noon bumped into familiar people and everyone’s like so nice today. I am a bit anxious by midday after calculating my finances, how much should I invest, spend and use to pay debts. I am left with just enough to pay for my fuel.

    Prepped what I needed for my meals next week, made my yogurt, roasted chicken breasts, cut a whole papaya fruit for my snacks and dinners. And managed to clean up all the mess. My goal now is to avoid delaying doing things. So it’s kind of tiring at times cause I would like to relax a bit and not getting worked up with unwashed dishes unprocessed bills and stuff. Had nice meals overall today and I’m ready to face the week!

    Sorted my balcony garden, and ordered some orchids and fertilisers pesticides stuffs for repotting later. My orchids have grown double their sizes now. I can’t wait to see spikes coming out and for them to keep growing.

    One idea I have been toying around with is to cultivate my food garden indoor because I don’t want my plants to be destroyed by the rats outside. Probably I should get some grow lights first and think of how to improve airflow inside the house. Totally need to write it down. I also next need to redo the flooring at the main room. Probably best if I move there to sleep and stuff and use my current bedroom for gardening as it has better lighting (but can be really hot too). And then I would like to add another layer of curtains like 2 feet inwards from the main window so that I can let some sunlight in without getting too much sun (double protection). So much to do, the house is still in much clutter but it’s still organised.

    Doing the whole thing is really non-stimulating, I started to get bored and in need to escape. I played some games, updated my Instagram account. Oh yeah, I have yet to write about my data collection journey. And then looking at one post I did a while a go when I did my data collection in Kudat – that was the last post when we were still talking. Mixed feeling came rushing in. I missed him so much. The last time we met was in June. He blocked me dead for a month plus already. Sometimes I feel guilty for being such a confronting bitch, but I have the right to express myself and asking for what I want and what I need. I don’t know how he’s doing. Deep inside, I feel that this might be it. Maybe it’s the best time, it’s gonna end anyway so might as well I feel all the hurt and detach now rather than later. Yeah, almost 5 years of friendship and love gone down the drain.

    I will meet the man of my dreams, and live a fulfilling life with the love of my life. I am proud of the woman that I am now and I will achieve what I needed to function at my best for me and for my purpose whatever that is in the future. I will get a new car to drive next year, and my income will reach within what I have targeted. Allah will help me if my intention is pure. I just need to stay calm and stay on my lane. It’s gonna work out.

    There is nothing wrong with me. I just stepped out of my old programming and just happens some people are not okay with it. Just look forward with my head held high and get on with life like I always do. I am going to be good.

  • To You Who Ran Away

    Thank you for showing me your true colour.

    Though it’s hard for me to accept after all the things we shared, I am letting you go.

    Thanks for wasting my love away, but also thank you for showing me how much love I can feel for others and that I must believe that I am capable of doing it again with someone who deserves it.

    Thank you for all your mistreatment, on your attempts in keeping me small. I have finally found my way, to seek the light and courage to stand up for myself, be unapologetically myself and speak my absolute truth. Due to your games, I seek knowledge to learn what kind of a woman I was, and unlearn my traumatic responses. I can finally be comfortable with secure people and have very clear instincts if insecure unaware people are around me. Those who normally I admired, I stay away from them like a plague. This was a huge contribution from your end!

    Not everything was bad, after all I have grown to be a way better person than I was when we first met. Thank you very much for that!

    To put it bluntly – you are a chameleon, if you don’t know it already. I pray that you would eventually find who you truly are, have the courage to face yourself and not run away from your authentic true self, and from what you really want in life.

    Though I thought I missed you dearly, I guess it didn’t mean much as what we had was only authentic from my side and not shared by you. Safe journey in life, and I hope to never see this hurtful version of you again.

    Signing off.

  • Monthly and Yearly Finance Audit

    Cleaning and decluttering my house and I was about to throw these papers out. They have got useful financial advice stuffs there. So, before I get rid of them, I am going to write what they are all about

    The papers

    Ok the first one is about how to split my monthly earnings – there’s no percentage there, I guess it depends on what you prioritise. Each month, do:

    Split earnings into:

    • house bills
    • my bills
    • spending account
    • emergency
    • dream savings

    Revise and review:

    • spending
    • earning
    • debt
    • investment

      Managing money is not all about saving and earning money only. From another source (which I forgot from where), money is used to create the story of my life, to build the life that I am content and happy with. The rule for spending and saving is to align them according to 4 matrices – Need, Love, Like and Want. Everytime I want to spend or plan to use money, consider factors like, do I NEED it? Do I spend it towards something that I LOVE? So it is Need and Love all the time.

      Another tips is to save for ‘5 year from now’ goal. Ideally, save up to 25x monthly living expenses, the rest invest in shares and index funds. Saving up to 1 month expenses is already so hard, I don’t know how can I build up to 6 months, what more 25 months. I should sit down and strategise how to slowly build my wealth. Now that I am more aware of money-making tools and skills, it is now up to me how to use them. Slowly and surely, I can!

    • End of Data Collection

      Today I have started to update my thesis draft on sampling and really articulating my method. I panicked a little when I found some references using 385 as minimum sample (by Cochran’s formula). Then again, after looking elsewhere, if I have 350 sample, that would be enough. If referring to cultivation land areas, I have just enough data but that’s ok. I am happy where I am at now.

      So relieved and I am actually looking forward to do random sampling and do my actual analysis. Other than structural model analysis, I gotta find out how to calculate the technological readiness index (TRI) as well as reporting cluster by cluster.

      I feel slightly sad that my data collection is over now. I actually enjoyed doing it and met with so many people out of my usual social circle. It’s a mixed feeling but in my gut I feel that I’m going to be here for a while. It’s like there’s unfinished business for me and the community. I feel like my life has more purpose now.

      I hope the data analysis reveals a lot more than what I initially found. I am just feeling content. Would like to write more later about my data collection adventure!