I’m feeling rather anxious right now. So many thoughts that I am processing? Maybe it’s time to stay away from social media and being so connected for awhile.
Thoughts that trigger me from social media today:
- I almost accidentally Liked a post of someone I didn’t follow (like sudden huge rush settling in). I didn’t check if I did though. But, I just want to think like this, if it happened, it was meant to!
- And then, I was checking out a story from a therapist account saying that she needs to meditate more today cause so many things to get done and she wanted to sort her ‘anxies’ out. What a cute term for anxiety. So I thought, huh, anxieties are normal – I am not unwell, I was just around the wrong people and made wrong choices that generated my anxieties. Seriously, that was kind of a wake up call to me and the strategies to reduce anxieties are actually commonly practiced. It is just uncommon in my social circle.
- I saw a post by someone I don’t know at all – not my acquaintance, like the way she presented herself was exactly like someone I knew (me!). I started to judge on how fake she was being and wrote a series of Stories on my Instagram to address how I feel about people like her. I still can’t figure out why it triggers me so much. Maybe because my ‘Fixer’ instinct is triggered to correct her and the rest of the world.
- Things led to another, I wrote how I was working on learning self-awareness and on what are the things that nurture and hurt me, I began to think, maybe I should list that out. Yes, I definitely will.
- Loneliness crept in, these few weeks I was noticing loud and clear on why whenever I feel vulnerable and need rescuing from my feelings, I will be reminded of him. If it’s wrong wanting my man to be my hero – I think that’s natural as a woman. I am still confused if my needs are too much or is there any method to balance this out. I definitely could sort my stuff out, but if I am coupled, I want my man to soothe me and make me feel everything is going to be fine.
- Another post on relationship – on instead of thinking how I have lost on a good thing, I could reframe my thinking into – I dodged a bullet. Maybe he was right, though my gut is saying something else. Will I be able to fully trust my intuition? Only God knows.
- I actually Googled how to not be jealous with married people. I want to be married when I found the right man. None of the advises or recommendations made me feel better. It’s not my time yet.
- So the anxieties stem largely from financial insecurity – I wanted to participate in a competition in KL in October to celebrate my birthday. I think I could figure out on how to pay for those. Then again, I just remembered that I planned to go to Imbak Canyon with a friend also in October. Financially, I definitely can’t. I had to pick one of those. I really want to go compete though. I will reschedule Imbak trip, I hope my friend would be OK with it. And then, the stocks I bought aren’t performing well and I’m making a bit of loss. Maybe I should organise my investment and financial goals now that I know more tools available to grow my money.
- Another thing that stresses me out today is on the data analysis work that I should be doing today. I have plenty of time, I’ll do it after dumping all of it here.
- My Reyllen gears whereabout updates are not changing from the post tracker. So I have no idea when will I get them.
- I have to cook my lunch today because I am really craving to each proper meal with rice today. But I am really lazy to wash and keep everything away.
Out of 10, 7 of the list can be avoided if I don’t spend too much time on Internet and social media. I don’t know, I just need a break from work and training and studies. God, I want to pamper myself so much today because Tuesdays are chill days. I will spend some time for work for 2 hours and for myself for the rest of it.
Good things that I did today:
- During my free HPV injection today, a girl asked about what we were queueing for, and I explained to her that it’s a free HPV injection drive. She left after that. But came back to queue and got her injection after mine.
- I managed to hang dry clean laundry that was done two days ago.
- Did the whole athletes WOD after training today. Nice to have someone to train with me till finish. I lifted 46kg for split jerk today. I think my PR has increased from 50kg.
- Foam roll my back, it hurt so much. So it was great that I did that.
- The post I did on Instagram was good I think. I am going to rewrite them in a post on this website.
- Realising that I have so much to be grateful for. My siblings, got to see my dad after a few days, received help from my brother. Cute nieces and nephews. Grateful that my grandmother is still alive and healthy. I have a place to go to if I need to sleep or eat in between work and appointments. My car, though sometimes being unknowingly crazy, is still up and running. And I still have money to spend for fuel or for food. I have all the tools to make things happen.
So I think of my insecurities a lot. It’s hard for me to focus on what I need to do sometimes. I am on the right track and I will not mess things up. I have everything within me to make it happen. I have to trust it and trust that Allah has the best interest in me all the time. Let go of the control. Let go of uncertainties. Be fluid and focus on moving forward with grace, not by force and by doing things that hurt myself.