Virtually Nurul – { Research | Fitness | Designs } by Nurul

Author: Nurul

  • Thesis Contents Checklist – Updates – 17/10/2024

    Abstract

    Table of Contents

    List of Figures

    List of Tables

    Chapter 1

    • Check references writeup and citations
    • Chapter summary

    Chapter 2

    • Technology Acceptance towards Intention to Adopt IoT – hypothesis development
    • Writeup and references
    • Fill agencies functions (12/10)
    • Check references and citations

    Chapter 3

    • Research paradigm and design
    • Instrument (14/10)
    • Writeups on applications selected
    • Writeups on awareness delivery
    • Multi-mediation analysis method, VAF calculation, types of mediation
    • Testing predictive relevance/power writeups (16/10)
    • Cochran’s formula, Hair et al reference on sample size above 400 accuracy
    • Include data of farmers or land size from DAN 2.0 (17/10)
    • References and citations

    Chapter 4

    • Response rate
    • Data preparation – data screening & cleaning, data normality test
    • Writeups on descriptive statistics – survey on knowledge and backgrounds, thematic analysis barriers in adopting IoT, constructs descriptive analysis
    • Writeups on empirical analysis
    • Assessment of Measurement Model
    • Assessment of Structural model
    • Assessment of Mediating Effect
    • Assessment of Predictive Power
    • Summary of Model and Hypothesis Testing Results
    • Discussions(15/10)
    • Chapter summary

    Chapter 5

    • Introduction
    • Discussion on findings:
    • Relationship between Technological Readiness with Technological Acceptance towards Intention to Adopt IoT
    • Relationship between Perception of Usefulness and Perception of Ease of Use towards Intention to Adopt IoT
    • The Mediating Role of Entrepreneurial Ambidexterity towards Intention to Adopt IoT
    • Sabah Divisional Analysis Findings
    • Contribution and Implications (6/10)
    • Theoretical Contribution (13/10)
    • Empirical Contribution
    • Practical Contribution
    • Limitation of Study
    • Recommendation for Future Research
    • Conclusion (11/10)

    References

    Appendix // later after draft submission

    • Divisional analysis and backgrounds // later after draft submission
    • Questionnaire set
    • Letters from UiTM
    • REC letter

  • ChatGPT Help – Putting Things into Perspective

    Writing a thesis can be stressful and depressing for many reasons, stemming from both the academic and personal challenges involved in the process. Below are some common factors that contribute to these feelings:

    1. High Expectations and Pressure

    • Academic Pressure: A thesis is often the most important and challenging project in a graduate program, carrying significant weight toward obtaining a degree. The pressure to meet academic standards, demonstrate originality, and contribute to the field can be overwhelming.
    • Self-imposed Expectations: Many students place high expectations on themselves, wanting their work to be perfect, innovative, and impactful. This creates a heavy mental burden, especially when progress feels slow or insufficient.

    2. Time Management and Procrastination

    • Lengthy Process: A thesis can take months or even years to complete, and managing time effectively across such a long timeline can be challenging. Students often juggle thesis writing with other responsibilities like coursework, jobs, or family obligations, making it difficult to maintain consistent progress.
    • Procrastination: The complexity of the task and fear of not meeting expectations often lead to procrastination. This, in turn, leads to stress as deadlines loom closer, and feelings of guilt or failure may develop.

    3. Isolation

    • Working Alone: Thesis writing is often a solitary activity, with long hours spent researching, writing, and revising. This isolation can lead to feelings of loneliness, particularly if students aren’t engaging in regular social or academic interactions.
    • Lack of Support: While advisors and peers can provide support, students often feel that they’re working alone or that others don’t fully understand the struggles they’re going through.

    4. Complexity and Uncertainty

    • Unstructured Nature: Unlike regular coursework or exams, a thesis requires self-direction. There’s no clear “right” answer, and this open-ended nature can cause uncertainty about whether the research is progressing in the right direction.
    • Scope Creep: Students may struggle with defining and sticking to a manageable scope for their research. It’s easy to feel overwhelmed when new ideas, data, or challenges arise, leading to a sense of never-ending work.

    5. Fear of Failure and Imposter Syndrome

    • Fear of Rejection: The idea that the thesis could be criticized or rejected after so much effort is a major source of anxiety. The stakes feel high, and students may fear that their work will not be seen as valuable by their advisor, committee, or the broader academic community.
    • Imposter Syndrome: Many students experience imposter syndrome, where they feel like they aren’t competent enough or don’t belong in academia. This can lead to self-doubt and a belief that they aren’t capable of completing their thesis, even if they’ve been successful in previous academic work.

    6. Perfectionism and Revision Fatigue

    • Perfectionism: Many students feel the need to produce a flawless thesis, which can paralyze progress. Every word, argument, and section may be scrutinized, leading to frequent revisions and second-guessing.
    • Endless Revisions: The thesis writing process often involves multiple rounds of feedback from advisors, with numerous revisions required. This can lead to burnout and frustration, particularly if the student feels that progress is slow or stagnant.

    7. Emotional and Physical Strain

    • Emotional Toll: The stress, isolation, and self-doubt involved in thesis writing can take a significant emotional toll. Feelings of frustration, anxiety, and depression are common, especially when students feel stuck or encounter setbacks.
    • Physical Strain: The long hours of writing and research, often accompanied by poor self-care habits (e.g., lack of sleep, poor diet, or minimal exercise), can lead to physical exhaustion, further contributing to feelings of burnout and stress.

    8. Balancing Other Responsibilities

    • Life Commitments: Many students are balancing their thesis with other life commitments, such as part-time or full-time work, family responsibilities, or personal relationships. Trying to manage all these demands can increase stress levels, particularly when progress on the thesis feels slow.
    • Financial Pressure: For some students, financial stress adds to the burden. The pressure to finish quickly to secure a job or complete the degree before funding runs out is a common source of anxiety.

    How to Alleviate Stress and Depression during Thesis Writing

    While thesis writing is inherently challenging, there are ways to reduce stress and maintain mental well-being throughout the process:

    1. Break Down Tasks: Divide the thesis into smaller, manageable tasks with clear deadlines. Celebrate small victories along the way to maintain motivation.
    2. Seek Support: Engage with your advisor, peers, or a thesis support group for feedback, motivation, and encouragement. Don’t hesitate to ask for help when you feel stuck.
    3. Practice Self-Care: Prioritize your well-being by maintaining healthy habits, such as regular exercise, proper sleep, and taking breaks. This helps combat burnout and keeps your mind fresh.
    4. Manage Expectations: Accept that your thesis doesn’t have to be perfect; it just needs to meet the necessary academic standards. Striving for progress, not perfection, is key.
    5. Keep Perspective: Remind yourself that the thesis is a learning process and not the culmination of your entire academic or professional worth. Focus on growth rather than fear of failure.

    Here are several practical strategies for overcoming specific challenges related to thesis writing, organized by the key areas that often cause stress:

    1. Time Management and Procrastination

    • Create a Schedule: Set a realistic timeline with specific goals and deadlines for each section of your thesis. Breaking the work into smaller tasks, such as writing 500 words a day or finishing a chapter draft by a certain date, makes the process feel more manageable. Use tools like calendars, to-do lists, or project management apps (e.g., Trello, Notion) to stay organized.
    • The Pomodoro Technique: Work in focused intervals (e.g., 25 minutes of writing, followed by a 5-minute break). This method can help you stay productive without feeling overwhelmed by long writing sessions. The frequent breaks also prevent burnout.
    • Set Priorities: Prioritize tasks based on importance and deadlines. Sometimes, tackling the most challenging or pressing task first (like data analysis or structuring your argument) can relieve the pressure for the rest of the day.
    • Overcome Perfectionism: If you struggle with procrastination due to perfectionism, remind yourself that first drafts don’t have to be perfect. Aim for progress rather than perfection, and allow yourself to revise and improve your work later. The key is to get your ideas down on paper first.

    2. Managing Isolation

    • Join a Writing Group: Find or create a thesis writing group, either online or in-person. These groups can offer accountability, feedback, and social support. Regular meetings provide a sense of community and can reduce the feeling of isolation.
    • Check-in with Peers or Advisors: Schedule regular check-ins with your thesis advisor or peers to discuss your progress, even if it’s just to share what you’re working on. These conversations can offer new insights, motivate you, and keep you connected.
    • Create a Support Network: Lean on friends, family, or fellow students for emotional support. Talking about your struggles, even if they’re not directly related to your thesis, can relieve stress and make the experience feel less solitary.

    3. Dealing with Uncertainty and Scope Creep

    • Clarify Expectations with Your Advisor: If you feel uncertain about your research direction or progress, have a clear conversation with your advisor. Discuss your ideas, get feedback on your scope, and seek advice on how to manage your project’s boundaries. Knowing exactly what’s expected of you can reduce anxiety and help you focus on the right tasks.
    • Define a Clear Research Question: Having a well-defined research question is crucial to avoiding scope creep. Once your research question is clear, regularly check whether the work you’re doing aligns with it. If new ideas come up, evaluate whether they contribute directly to answering your question or if they can be left for future research.
    • Set Milestones for Each Section: Define specific milestones for each part of the thesis—literature review, methodology, data analysis, etc. Focus on completing each section one at a time to avoid feeling overwhelmed by the thesis as a whole.

    4. Overcoming Imposter Syndrome and Self-Doubt

    • Acknowledge Your Progress: It’s easy to get caught up in what you haven’t done, but it’s important to recognize your achievements. Keep track of your progress—whether it’s writing a paragraph, gathering data, or analyzing results—and celebrate these milestones. Reflecting on what you’ve accomplished can boost confidence and motivation.
    • Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself when things don’t go as planned. If you encounter setbacks or if progress is slower than expected, remind yourself that challenges are a normal part of the process. Self-compassion helps combat the feelings of inadequacy that contribute to imposter syndrome.
    • Visualize the End Result: Picture yourself finishing the thesis and how it will feel to submit it. Visualization can reduce anxiety and help you stay focused on the end goal, rather than getting bogged down by doubts during the process.

    5. Avoiding Burnout

    • Set Realistic Daily Goals: Avoid burnout by setting achievable daily goals. Working for 8-10 hours straight may seem productive, but it often leads to exhaustion. Instead, aim for 4-5 hours of focused writing or research each day and make time for breaks, exercise, and relaxation.
    • Incorporate Physical Activity: Exercise is an excellent stress reliever and helps keep your mind sharp. Incorporating even short physical activity (like walking, yoga, or stretching) into your daily routine can improve both mental and physical well-being.
    • Take Mental Health Breaks: Give yourself permission to take breaks when you need them, whether it’s for an hour or even a full day. Taking time off helps to clear your mind, avoid burnout, and come back with renewed focus.

    6. Getting Through Writer’s Block

    • Start Anywhere: If you’re struggling with writer’s block, don’t worry about writing in order. Start with the section you feel most comfortable with, whether it’s the methodology, results, or a part of the literature review. Once you get some momentum, it’s easier to tackle the more difficult parts.
    • Freewriting: Spend 10-15 minutes doing a freewriting exercise on any section of your thesis. Don’t worry about structure, grammar, or perfection—just write whatever comes to mind. This can help get past mental blocks and generate ideas.
    • Change Your Environment: Sometimes, working in the same place every day can stifle creativity. Try switching your environment—work in a café, library, or even a different room at home. A change of scenery can spark fresh ideas and help you get unstuck.

    7. Coping with Endless Revisions

    • Set Boundaries for Revisions: Once you receive feedback, set specific goals for each revision phase. For example, decide to spend one week revising your methodology based on feedback, rather than continuously revisiting it. Having a set timeline for revisions helps prevent endless tweaking.
    • Prioritize Feedback: If you’re receiving feedback from multiple people (e.g., your advisor and committee members), prioritize the feedback that aligns most with the objectives of your thesis. If some suggestions conflict, clarify with your advisor which points are most important to address.
    • Know When to Stop: At some point, you’ll need to submit your thesis, even if it’s not perfect. Recognize when your revisions are making significant improvements versus when you’re just fine-tuning minor details. Aim for completion, not perfection.

    8. Balancing Life and Thesis Writing

    • Establish Boundaries: Set clear boundaries between work and personal life. For example, commit to working on your thesis during certain hours and give yourself permission to stop working after that time. Balancing thesis writing with downtime is crucial to avoid burnout and maintain mental health.
    • Create a Flexible Routine: A routine can help maintain productivity while giving you flexibility. For example, dedicate the mornings to focused writing and leave afternoons open for lighter tasks (e.g., reading, editing) or personal activities. This balance allows you to stay productive without feeling overwhelmed.

    9. Seeking Professional Help

    • Academic Writing Support: If you struggle with writing, consider seeking help from your institution’s writing center or hiring a professional editor. A second pair of eyes can make a big difference, especially when you’re too close to the material to see issues clearly.
    • Counseling or Therapy: If the stress and anxiety become too much, talking to a counselor or therapist can help. Many universities offer mental health services specifically for graduate students, which can provide a safe space to manage thesis-related stress.

    By adopting some of these strategies and adjusting them to your personal situation, you can make the thesis writing process more manageable and less stressful. Keep in mind that progress is a process—it’s normal to face challenges, but small, consistent steps will eventually lead you to completion.

  • Bliss Sunday

    Spent the whole day indoor with writing my thesis today. Today’s writing mode is different, I didn’t feel anxious or suffocated or overwhelmed like yesterday. What did I do differently today?

    I didn’t force myself to come up with what to write. I just let things flow freely. Whenever I finished a few paragraphs, I immediately took a break doing dishes, cooking, washing, cleaning, laundry etc, basically the stuffs I have neglected and long to do for weeks already. My house is clean, and my thesis progressing – what’s better than that! I feel like human again. Checked out on my plants, my orchids are growing bigger. Still no signs of flowers, but at least the jasmine tree starts to grow some flower buds.

    My Chapter 6 hasn’t finished as planned. Imagine getting asked by my supervisors on why it’s not yet done, and me replying with “because I take care of my mental health first”. Only in dreams. Just a little bit more. I’m gonna ask the DBA coordinator when exactly is the due date. I’m due to submit next week. I’m rooting to finalise everything by Wednesday.

    I was craving on pizza so bad today. I looked for strategies to delay my craving. I just drank water and ate lots of guavas. Still feeling the crave for pizza. So I decided to make some baked pasta (using yellow noodles cause I’m out of pasta) with roasted chicken I’ve prepared last week with shredded cheese on top. It was heavenly! Maybe my body needs vitamin B or fat or more protein. I managed to not succumb to my craving and this was huge highlight of my day.

    Finished the day with taking out the trash and preparing for tomorrow’s class choreo. My teaching and training shoes are still wet from afternoon wash. So I’m gonna skip morning training tomorrow and catch up in the evening later. Mondays are normally the busiest day of the week for me. Hope I manage to catch some time for my thesis. Gotta rest now and wake up early later. May things go well and peaceful tomorrow.

  • Thesis – Writing Anxiety Part Unknown

    It’s another Saturday. As usual, I’m caving in my house to write. This morning was different. It’s public holiday so I have no class, but I went to train with one of the ladies I train with at the gym just the two of us. It was calming as both of us are kind of introvert people and don’t talk a lot. We just focused on our own trainings, listen to music and chitchat for a bit. Managed to train for a good 2 hours, working on my techniques and did some athlete WOD prepared by our coach. It was a nice training/me time for me.

    While training, out of nowhere I received a text and some missed calls from one of the members that I teach at the gym. I did not give out my phone numbers to everyone, but somehow she managed to reach me. She must be so desperate that time that she tried to connect with anyone at all working at the gym! As it happened, there’s no staff working at LUF gym today and she was having issues with the locker – it won’t open up. I know how devastating that feels. I did my best to help her out. One of the staffs managed to get in touch with her. Problem solved, I hope the incident didn’t ruin her day. I feel like a star and a reliable worker for a bit (though I only work there part time) that someone I barely know and taught only about 3 classes reached out to me for help.

    Reached home, I was so hungry I immediately ordered food. I ate so much, then slept, and ate again. I tried to rest and calm my body a bit in preparation to write. It took about 4 hours for my body and mind to settle down (managed to roll into writing after meditation). Apparently, my coffee and donuts strategy isn’t working anymore. Which is a relief as I can’t do it to myself anymore loading on excessive sugar just to keep writing. Can’t be too hungry because of training. I had enough sleep and my training was kind of light today. Maybe it’s the aftermath of yesterday’s training. My upper body still is a bit tender from all the pull up drills. Point is I ate just too much and I don’t know why.

    Nothing new about writing, still suck to my core but at least I managed to write a few paragraphs and added 1000+ words today. 15,000 to go. For real. I did a quick look up, at least everything is in place except for Chapter 6. I’m going to focus on this moving forward. I’ve got 1 more week to refine my thesis before sending my draft for panels screening. Deep in my core, I feel so calm, like there’s nothing to worry about, like it believes in my ability. But at the same time, my logical mind says, look at the reality, there’s more to write! I’m getting obsessed already. I’m going to meditate one last time today, shower and plan for tomorrow’s write.

  • Noisy September

    It’s the final week of September already. So much went on this month. I’m just feeling overwhelmed day in day out. In dire need of a long break but I need to hold on until my thesis is submitted and after Hopper Warrior finishes.

    What went on this month:

    Data collection and data analysis consumed so much of my time and energy. And then, to actually write and compile my thesis altogether. Today I am finalising the structure and contents of Chapter 4 before actually write the whole thing. Anxiety level up to the roof and I think I’m experiencing shutdowns as my brain refuse to think and focus without donuts and iced coffee. Last time, I used to smoke a lot to defuse my emotion. But I’m not going to do that again.

    Physically used up after Borneo Pangazou’s event mid September, 1 week recovery and training again. It’s week 1 out of 3 weeks plan. I’m beyond exhausted already. 2 weeks to go. More expenses on fuel and food. Must do daily stretch and massages for quick recovery measures. It’s Saturday, good thing class was cancelled this morning so I had plenty of rest at home but still need to catch up on sleep. My relationship with the people at the gyms I go to also has gotten closer. They really are my emotional support system these days.

    The gym in Putatan is slowly gaining traction. For that, I’m so grateful. We got new equipments (so much drama on how they were under my responsibilities, good thing a good soul helped me out). I managed to code a simple apps to record class attendance which helped a lot in my communications with instructors and gym members. Dealing with people, though I’m good at it, is so mentally exhausting. The late drive home 3-4 times a week is tiring too. More stuff to do to improve with newbies orientation and marketing stuffs. Hope I could still use the place for a long time.

    Other than that, I think I’m also exhausted at monitoring my investments as last few weeks my stocks were not performing well. But I learnt a lot about investing. I thought to myself, had I known about it years earlier, I would be in a much better place financially today. Also, managed to restructure my study loan repayment. At last, I’m able to continue paying the loan again. Must be careful with how I spend my money. I’m looking forward to get a new car loan probably end of this year or next year. My car is causing so much stress to me already. Been down for a few weeks already and I’m using my mom’s car which costs me RM100 a week on fuel. Also, it is because I have spent forward a lot of money for my data collection that I don’t have enough for the following months. By January, I’m hoping that things are back to the usuals so that I don’t struggle so much. Hope no more drama in my life at least spare me for a couple of months. Let me breathe.

    Overall I still feel I’m not in control of my life. My relationship is still in standoff-ish mode. My house is a mess. My roses died. At least I manage to sort the most important stuffs out. To think of it, today is the only weekend that I have to myself this month. Just need time to make sense of stuffs and not doing too much in a month. My challenge for the next few weeks would be to consistently write and train at this intensity I have started this month. Focus, meditate, regroup and realign quick (and don’t forget things!) I might be doing just fine.

  • DBT Emotion Regulation Skill

    Printed this out a while back. Again, I want to throw the sheets away so need to put them up here. Might be useful for others. Please email me at n.alam@alamyaakub.com if credits are needed (I don’t have the source details as of now), thanks.

    Skillsets:

    • Coping thoughts
    • Recognise your emotions
    • Cutting and self-mutilation exercise
    • Manipulation behaviours exercise
    • Addictive behaviours exercise
    • Thoughts and emotion defusion
    • Balancing thoughts and emotions
    • Positive activities log

    Coping Thoughts

    • “Nobody’s perfect. I can make mistakes.”
    • “This situation will not last forever.”
    • “I’ve also survived other painful experiences. I can survive this one too.”
    • “This too, shall pass.”
    • “My feelings come and go, just like waves.”
    • “I had experienced overwhelming emotions before and survived.”
    • “I am feeling uncomfortable right now, but I can accept it.”
    • “I can accept my feelings, and this way decreases their intensity.”
    • “I can feel sad and still deal with the situation.”
    • “I am strong enough to deal with what is happening right now.”
    • “This won’t get to me. I can ride this out.”
    • “I can step back, give it a rest, relax, and come back to it later.”
    • “I have survived similar situations and did well.”
    • “It is hard to feel at peace now, but this feeling is only temporary”.
    • “As difficult, the situation may be. I am going to survive it.”
    • “The current situation sucks, but it is only temporary.”
    • “I can feel stressed and still deal with the situation.”
    • “My emotions and thoughts don’t control my life. I do.”
    • “Feelings and thoughts are temporary. They will go away.”
    • “This is a chance for me to learn how to cope with my fear.”
    • “If I want to, I can think different thougts.”
    • “I can use proven methods to help me through this.”
    • “I feel this way because of my past. I am not in danger now.”
    • “I have overcome difficulties before. This will not be different.”
    • “I am going to ride out my feelings as if I were on a wave.”

    Recognise Your Emotions

    Ask yourself:

    • What just happened? (Give date and time)
    • How do I think and feel about what happened? (Be specific)
    • Ok, it happened, but why? (What caused it to happen?)
    • When it happened. What did your emotions tell you what to do? (What did you feel like doing?)
    • How did you react as a result of how you felt? (What exactly did you say or do?)
    • How did the things you said and did affect you later? (What were results of your action? Short and long term consequences?)

    Cutting and Self-mutilation Exercise

    • The cutting and self-mutilating that I engage in are:
    • The temporary rewards for my behaviour are:
    • The long-term costs and dangers of my behaviours are:
    • What are some things I can substitute self-mutilating with?

    Manipulation Behaviours Exercise

    • The manipulation behaviours that I engage in are:
    • The temporary rewards for my behaviours are:
    • The long-term costs and dangers of my behaviours are:
    • Without manipulating, what can I say or do to get what I want?
    • If somebody would manipulate me, how would I feel?

    Addictive Behaviours Exercise (Example alcohol and drugs)

    • I display these alcohol or drug-using behaviours
    • The short-term rewards for my behaviours are:
    • The long-term consequences of my behaviours are:
    • My drug and alcohol habits affect how I feel because:
    • I can improve my substance (alcohol, drugs, cigarettes) use by: (list down items)

    Thoughts and Emotion Defusion

    Use visualisation exercise to remove or feel changing thoughts and emotions. Example:

    1. Imagine you are on a beach by yourself. You are sitting by the sea. In front of you on the sand is written an emotion or thought. As you stare at it, the waves simply wash it away.
    2. It is a beautiful summer day. You are sitting near a stream. As you sit there, you watch leaves with your thoughts and emotions written on the pass you by.

    Balancing Thoughts and Emotions

    • What just happened?
    • How do I think and feel about what happened (be expressive)?
    • What evidence supports how I think and feel?
    • What evidence contradicts how I think and feel?
    • Considering all the evidence. What is a better way to think and feel about the situation?
    • What can I do to cope with the situation in a healthy way?

    Positive Activities Log

    List in a day or week in the following format:

    When?What?How did you feel?What did you think?

  • Training for Hopper Warrior

    I thought I’ve got 3 weeks to practice. After 1 week of recovery from Borneo Pangazou, finally went to gym to start training yesterday. My upper body has gotten weaker and I was still traumatised by the rope climb fails during the Pangazou event. The more senior ladies there at the gym freaked out because I don’t train enough. Everyone tried to help me with the rope climb technique which I find so endearing. I told them, okay, if I don’t show up to train at the gym you all can make a fuss and hold me accountable. They’re lovely.

    Then I trained in the morning today and chit chatted with the guys there after a week of not training together, one proceeded to remind me that we’ve only got 2 weeks to prepare and suggested me what I could do. Love these guys, they’re like older brothers I never had. My coach also insists that I do all the planned workout for athletes.

    At first, I was doing it to challenge my limit and the experience and feeling inside the arena is just undescribable especially when there are people I’ve never met who were rooting out for me. I guess I just love the adrenaline of challenging myself and the excitement from the crowds. Now, I’ve got to really train and master my skills, fairer fights for me and be respectful of others whom have trained so hard.

    So the stuff I need to learn and practice for the competition:

    • Pull up skills and endurance
    • Toes to bars
    • Rope climbs
    • Double unders
    • 5km run

    Other than these moves, my strategy is to just skip or just attempt the moves that I could partially do. And then, I gotta lose more weights. I already lost about 2kgs from my usual 75-73kg range. Maybe I could do 70kg by next month. That or I gotta increase my upper body and core strength.

    I’m afraid my body would become dysregulated and so stressed out again. For the next 2 weeks, really need to intensely train 2 sessions a day, watch my nutrition and sleep. At the same time working on my thesis. Let’s see how it goes with this strategy. Just got to stay disciplined. May Allah ease.

  • Thesis – Chapter 5 Checklist

    30,000 words to go! Off-duty day, working on maximising my time to write and to start training again for next competition. Drake’s Massive song blasting on repeat! I like Drake, not sure what is so appealing about him. Heard that he’s some kind of a jerk too. But let’s not go there!

    Ok back to the checklist:

    • Response rate summary
    • Data normality test
    • Descriptive statistics – SPSS
    • Assessment of measurement model – PLS
    • Assessment of structural model – PLS
    • Assessment of mediation effect
    • Discussion – empirical analysis
    • Discussion – industrial analysis

    Writing this chapter is so exhausting, with drawing diagrams, tables (I despise making graphics using Office tools) and I think my eyesight is getting worse with squinting a lot looking for figures and significant ones to analyse on. It’s not going to get easier. If it’s easy, everyone would do it. I am also stressed out (stressing myself out with no valid proof) that my supervisors are going to criticise hard this chapter that I worked so hard thinking, analysing and writing on. They really are not kind with their comments, nothing is spared – good thing I’m a trained thick-skin (thanks Mom and Dad). If only they knew how hard it is for me to come up to this level. Let’s just sort this out. I think I am at the last diagram already, and next is to write up on empirical and mediation analysis. Was close to be overwhelmed, I quickly did some guided meditation and feel a bit okay and could think more rationally afterwards.

  • Dysregulated

    I don’t know if I will ever feel calm again (yes, I will). Feeling so unsettled after drafting my thesis first round today. It’s like I have got too much stuff to write. My mom said it’s normal. Just keep going. Maybe I’m having decision fatigue. So much things to decide for my research and it’s giving me anxieties. And my body is starting to go into shutdown/freeze mode. OMG!

    I started to feel overwhelmed. Yes, my week is tiring. I am mentally, emotionally and physically drained. And thanks for your sudden appearance. It was a nice surprise, for whatever purpose that was. Talk to you soon ya! I will continue writing whatever I want here, it’s my sanctuary (except that it’s public).

    I don’t feel like meeting people this weekend, but I have a family engagement to go. I am just so low in energy and I just want to recharge and recover before Monday comes. Maybe it’s hormonal and lack of sleep from previous nights. Freaking tired.

    Just going to do my best with thesis. I have to fight for it otherwise I’ll face much bigger regret if I don’t submit it on time. So many things on the line. Come on Alam, you’ve got this!

  • Final Week to Write

    Overdue for a week to hand over my draft to my supervisors already. I am just keeping calm knowing my coursemates haven’t handed theirs as well. What a week has it been!

    I’m beyond exhausted, my car hasn’t been working since last week. I broke up into tears in front of my mom and my siblings due to how helpless I was feeling that time. I wasn’t fishing for their sympathy. They all helped me maybe because I was always has been the strong one. My mom offered to send me to work and lent me her car at last. My brother helped me to check on what’s wrong with my car. At one point, I unknowingly left the sidelamp of my mom’s car on that the car battery went flat – again I was without vehicle.

    After travelling via Grab car (thank God for this service) for a few days, my brother gave instructions on how to mount/dismount the car battery and charge it upstairs in my unit. It was so heavy, I felt grateful that I weight train. To my surprise, I managed to get my mom’s car up and running after that. So much worry and agitation before I knew what to do. It was an accomplishment for me to be able to do that. Now I can replace my own car battery. I told my brother, this thing, on how to repair and maintain a car should be taught at school. We both laughed. I love talking to my brother, I just hope he takes care of his health better.

    My upper body was so sore from last weekend’s competition (I’ll write about it), it was so hard getting up from bed. My body was under so much stress. But I still went to work to do some cleaning at Putatan gym. On the next day, I got my therapist friend to massage my arms, chest and back due to tightness (first time doing this), boy it was so painful and took me 2 days to fully recover. I learnt that I have left forearm issue and a bit in my tricep same side. They were old injuries, good thing it can be fixed with consistent treatment procedures. I’m so glad that I met her during the competition.

    I couldn’t relax yet, this week I covered classes for 2 instructors. So it was 4 out of 5 BodyPump classes, and the other 3 days in Putatan gym. Wednesday to Friday, 2 classes back to back. When I finished my last class of the week this afternoon, I was like, OMG I deserve a treat for myself! Got some groceries, donuts and coffee, got home and unwind. Best feeling ever! Saturdays are my favourite. Unpacking my groceries, I was feeling so grateful that I still can afford to buy quality food. I’m going to cook a nice meal for myself today.

    I’m going to use this weekend to finish whatever left on my thesis. It’s all coming together, I just have to persevere and hang in there till it’s submitted. I’ve got about slightly less than 200 pages to go, so I really need to be purposeful with my time.

    Things left to do:

    Chapter 2 – Include info on agencies in charge of agriculture industry in Sabah / Malaysia

    Chapter 3 – All points included, so just add on the writeups and references

    Chapter 4 – Include PLS parameters, streamline writeup

    Chapter 5 – Decide on VAF, writeup on analysis. Divisional analysis

    Chapter 6 – This one so much to write, maybe dedicate 1-2 days for this

    Finish all these, I’m good for submission already. Coffee and donuts ready, all the best to me!