Author: Nurul

Valentine’s Day
I am a sucker for Valentine’s Day. If I am in a relationship, and we are not celebrating – that’s like not celebrating love. So, I had everything all planned out what to do on Valentine’s Day. It fell on Friday and I taught double classes that day. I wore all pink to class. After class, I dropped by the usual shop I go to, to get a Valentine rose for me. It was nice also that the ladies from gym treated me with Dunkin Donuts, I didn’t need to buy chocolates or desserts for myself.

Beforehand, I just came across with really wise relationship content by Lewis Howes which I am going to share here. First one it talks about 5 wounds from childhood trauma that need to be addressed to be in a healthy relationship. To cut short, these wounds are:
1. Rejection wound
2. Abandonment wound
3. Shame/humiliation wound
4. Treason/betrayal wound
5. Injustice/unfairness wound
Martha happens to be an eldest sister and pretty much had same wounds with me, especially the fixer helper stuff. I can totally relate to what she had faced. So seeing her ending up with a very healthy man in relating with others, made me feel so happy and hopeful. The next video, she talks about the key elements from her perspective, to have a great relationship.

What I took the most from this conversation is that we all often have distorted view on what romantic relationship should look, be and feel like based on movies and the feel good happily-ever-after stuffs. But yeah, I definitely want to be with someone I have good friendship, passion and chemistry with and also someone that I am madly attracted to; however, it’s not enough to build a lasting healthy relationship. She talked about her relationship acronyms BALANCCCED:
- Be your authentic self. Be yourself. Get to know yourself. Get to know how you do like to be loved and how do you like to love.
- Acceptance. Accept the other person for who they are. Take time to know the other person. See if values, vision and lifestyle match with yours.
- Laughter. Have lots of them. Joy, play, appreciation of one another.
- Allowance. Flexibility in allowing another person to make mistakes and living their own human experience, freedom to choose how one lives his life. Make the other person feel safe by allowing the person be his own authentic being and not trying to change him to make you feeling safe and secure.
- Nurture. Have a nurturing life separate from partner’s
- Commitment to the vision of the relationship
- Compassion. When somebody is being vulnerable, see them as the wounded inner child and have some compassion for them.
- Curiosity. Approach conversation with curiosity. Avoid inclination to assume the worst or that someone is out to get you.
- Education. Educate yourself on who your partner is. Their inner child wounds, incidents when they were hurt in the past, their past lives, struggles, and compassion to understand. Care to know the specific things the other person needs. Personal growth.
- Dios. Or God. Solidifies and binds all the things together.
And the last one with Jillian, so much sense in this one. The key points I take from here are:
- Your relationship reflects the relationship you have with yourself
- Relationship killer – 1) not knowing how to manage chronic stress (so guilty of this!), 2) taking relationship for granted, 3) not knowing how to have difficult conversation on boundaries, expressing needs, vision, mistakes etc
- Take time to get to know someone before deciding to commit – am I feeling safe, seen, free to express myself as I am, respected, accepted and appreciated?
- Women do not need to be rescued. We can save ourselves by having confidents and self-worth – having the strength and courage to face own problems
- Don’t fixate yourself to change the other person – no one likes being asked to change. It has to come from the other person. Give them the opportunity to work on their own struggles. Demands are like building a cage to the other person to make you feel safe. Sense of safety should come from within, not from other person or circumstances.
I learn a lot in one day. Most of all to believe the information you are seeing and receiving from the other person as it is, not seeing from a place of potential from your perspective. Don’t add, don’t subtract.

The right person will know how to hold your love. The right person will choose you just as deeply you choose them. You will not have to quiet the way you care. You will never feel like you are too much. You will not have to beg for the love you deserve. One day, you will be met where you are. One day, you will be someone’s favourite person and you will not feel confused. You will not feel like fighting for someone who is not fighting for you. One day, you will understand that it never mattered, how tightly you held on to the wrong people, or how intensely you tried. The right people were always going to stay.

@rainbowsalt

What’s for me, will be with me. Cheers to that, just focus on what I want to develop at the moment and enjoy my solitary life. Happy Valentine’s Day to me. I love you.
February 18, 2025
Sisu

Just finished watching this movie minutes ago while waiting for my laundry to finish. Now my laundry has 7 minutes to go, so while still fresh in my mind, I want to write the experience I had and felt watching this movie. I was struck with a moment of coolness when Aatami just stroke a knife punctured an enemy’s skull dead straight from one side to another side! Like it’s so violent but the precision, strength and his strategies to fight and survive got me hooked.

First and foremost, anything Nazi history movie would naturally catch my attention and Finnish men are so good looking and well built. The costumes and setups are top notch. I have a thing with Nazi uniform they are so stylish. I remember I have read somewhere that Coco Chanel and/or Hugo Boss had designed some of those.

I mean look at these, everyone was talking about the leather jacket.

Aatami’s wasn’t so bad either. But not much close up photos. In motion, these costumes look really cool and complement their stoic expressions and possibly enhances their look of aggressiveness and brawn in the movie.

Secondly, the grit and resilience of the main character, Aatami, is so admirable and he barely spoken a sentence throughout except a couple of lines at the end of the movie. His courage and the will to live is just mind blowing. So I had to Google what Sisu means.

So yeah, definitely my theme. Seeing the main character’s courage and undertook his enemies on his own, and on an occasion, by a group of ladies is so refreshing. I watched the movie till it finishes with a renewed sense of courage to face my days. Actually, I learn so much about myself and my family today. Which I will write about soon.

Definitely a movie worth watching and I’m glad I picked this one out of the rest. One hour and a half well spent!

February 16, 2025
Viva Voce Slides Checklist
Chapter 1
- Background of Study – adjust design, alter Sabah & Kelantan maps
- Problem statement -adjust into infographics – cite evidence
- Research Questions & Objectives – organise & simplify
- Significance & scope of study
Chapter 2
- Literature Review – organise
- Research conceptual framework
- Hypothesis
Chapter 3
- Research Design
- Data Collection Flow
- Variables & definitions
- Data Analysis – PLS-SEM
Chapter 4
- Demography profile – infographics
- Descriptive statistics – diagrams
- Measurement analysis – improve presentation – find highlights
- Structural analysis – highlights
- Mediation analysis – organise
- Hypothesis test – copy graphics from Ch 2 Hypothesis
- Effect Size & Predictive Power – highlights
- Model summary – complete figures related
- Key findings – OK
Chapter 5
- Contribution & recommendation – organise
- Conclusion – organise and simplify
February 11, 2025
Viva Voce Preparation
My viva voce date is already set and I have 2 weeks to prepare now. I am not feeling the nerves yet as I rightly should but I am not waiting either. This is my last hurdle, I gotta persevere and keep my focus. AAGBS was kind enough providing support and tips on preparing and on what to expect for viva voce; which can be found here from this link: Twenty (20) Tips for Viva Voce

My presentation slides are far from ready, and I have not practised my presentations yet. That is okay, it is going to change within a few days from now. Writing the list to set my mental game up and ready for preparation.

What I needed to do next are:
- Produce a complete presentation draft for supervisors review and submit tomorrow
- Make corrections if recommended
- Re-read my thesis and take note of loopholes
- Re-read and organise my references for quick check when inquired
- Print my thesis copy for notes taking
- Practice 15-20 minutes presentation on my research
So today’s work is straightforward, which is to improve my presentation slides. This is going to be a drag, but I got this!
February 9, 2025
My Food Prep Routine
Weekends are normally the time I prepare my food, some for the whole months and some for the coming weeks. Every new month, I will get my groceries for the whole month or just half of it (depending on how much cash do I have at the moment) straight after work.

Things I will get first are my protein sources. I will buy:
- 1 big can of tuna chunks (which could last a whole week if I only eat this one)
- 6 chicken breasts (for a month supply)
- 1 big tray of eggs (supply for 2 weeks)
- 200-300g block cheese (2-3 weeks supply)
- 2 1 litre cartons of fresh milk (1 for yoghurt making, 1 for coffee)
- 1 bag of rolled oatmeal
For vegetables, since I barely have time and energy to cook, I will get those that are edible as it is and add with fruits for my fibre and vitamins intake. These would include:
- Tomatoes
- Carrot
- Cucumber or Japanese ones less water
- Any kind of leafy greens like lettuce
- Celery
- If papaya or honeydew melon is on sale, I’ll get those as well and grab a big one, or oranges and apples. I’ll sometimes add banana
For source of carbohydrates, I’ll just stock up wholemeal bread weekly and rice.

Additionally, I’ll add stuffs for my sweet tooth like chocolate malt drink powders, ingredients for baking and making chocolate chip cookies.

These could last me for a month, except that I might be replenishing my milk supplies about 1-2 cartons a week, block cheese or another bag of oatmeal. I also add 1 kg of soy powder for now to add in my protein intake which lasts for 2 weeks to add in with fruits and yoghurt.

Once I got home, the stuffs that I prepare are:
- Grilled chicken (the whole 6 chicken breasts)
- Tuna mayo sandwich fillings
- Yoghurt (1 big tub last for a week)
- Pre-cut fruits (papaya or honeydew melons)
- Choc chip cookies dough (1 batch could produce 15 ready to bake cookie dough balls)
- Cook a big pot of rice, occasionally
As I already know what I’d eat everyday (and these rarely deviate), it’s easy for me to get ready so that I’m good for the whole month.

My daily menu usually looks like this:

Breakfast:

1 bowl of savoury oatmeal (on non-working or non-training mornings, I’ll add 3 boiled eggs or shredded grillled chicken)

1 cup of coffee with milk

Lunch/Post-class or Post-training meal:

If I am outside and have got to eat out,

Mixed rice with 1 protein source, 1 vegetable source or 2 protein sources (1 animal, 1 plant-based)

If at home,

2 shredded grilled chicken with cheese and tomato toast, or tuna mayo toast, or 3 sunny side eggs with toast

At times, I’ll have rice with 3 sunny side eggs with fruits and salads as sides.

If craving for sweets, I’ll bake 2-3 of my cookie dough balls for 10-minutes.

Lunch 2 (normally late noon 2 hours before class or training):

1 cup of coffee with milk

1 toast (as in Lunch, refer above)

Late dinner:

1 bowl of yoghurt with fruits and soy powder

1 bowl of mixed vege salad with shredded chicken or tuna mayo or 3 boiled eggs

1 cup of chocolate malt drink

If still hungry, I’ll make 1 toast

Sometimes I cook fried rice but these are rare as I find it less fulfilling. During holidays or my off days, I’ll just eat whatever because I am often at my parents’ home. Once in a while I eat out or order takeouts. Once a fortnight or monthly, I’ll indulge myself with a couple of Big Apple donuts and Zus coffee. But on days that I need to be alert and perform my best, these are the menu that I stick to.

So this is how I manage my nutrition. Roughly at least I get 100g minimum protein daily. I just make gradual change according to my body’s needs if I need to tweak them.

If you are just starting out, here are the first few steps that could help you:
1. Find out a menu that you can stomach for breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks, day in day out.
2. Assess your source of protein, and how much you need daily.
3. Practice and stick to your list and menu for a month.
4. Have a routine to prepare and buy your food at specific time only.
5. Only add 5-10% gradual change on your diet if you need to change.
I find this very helpful for me, as it avoids decision fatigue on what to eat every single time, I don’t go too hungry for a long time as my meal preparation takes only 5-10 minutes each meal and I know how much to budget for my groceries.

You can try it out if you want and, yes, it takes practice to be disciplined and systematic with your meals choice and preparation to ensure that you have adequate nutrition.
February 1, 2025

2025-2028 Plan

So, I just roughly (and some meticulously) thought about what I want to focus on in 2025. My issues now include:

Recurring burnouts from evening classes – not enough time to resettle for the following day
Not enough focus on building my skills in CrossFit
Nutrition consistency, but getting there
Variable monthly expenses – hard to control where my money is going
Lack of focus and clarity when doing deep thinking work
As much as I want financial stability, and know how to get there, I also want the balance and the ability to maximise my time for crucial work to think and strategise stuffs that would set me up for better financial return
Budget for self-care stuffs

Nonetheless,I feel that I want to do a lot of self-care stuffs this year. I have neglected myself too much already. I am so done with taking care of other people’s needs over mine. To do this, I need some budget and have to work less hours than what I am doing now. One way of maximising my skill is by offering online training services. I gotta figure out (again!) what is the best way of doing this. My barrier now is so many things to do, so little time. I practically am spending most of my free times recovering at home. I feel like I am losing touch of myself – the person who loves to be out and enjoy the sun, beach, afternoon breeze, whatever. These small changes I am making are for the longer-term and period. I might not get what I want this year, so the goal is really to pave the way to make my life better.

This was my ideal state to achieve in 2 years (target August 2025) I wrote in 2023:

Financially stable, potentially earning at least RM3k and above, with savings on car maintenance and emergency events, manageable debt repayments. Steady stream of income and balance working on passion projects, family business and my role as a consultant after graduated from DBA program. Calm and happy.

The area I wanted to work on previously were, Marketing & Branding, Sales Opportunity, Time Management, Fitness & Well-being, Finance, Business Development, Preliminary Action. By end of timeframe, I would already have graduated and achieved at least 60% of my ideal state – especially the finance part where I am able to pay my monthly debts and secure some money for my savings.

Looking back, I am 90% there, only business left is to graduate my DBA degree. The new development plan is adjusted adding on my specific focus for the next 3 years (25 January 2025 – 25 January 2028) which are Work Delegation, Pending Job, Home Making, Hobbies, Self-care & Wellbeing, Devotion, Education, Fitness & Nutrition, Preliminary Action, Finance.

Self-care & Wellbeing

Action	How	Timeframe
Skincare routine	~~Get COSRX set, snail mucin, propolis toner, peptide moisturiser, cleaner and sunblock~~ Assess longevity of stocks and budget	28 February 2025 31 December 2025
Hair maintenance	~~Get hair oil~~ Haircut every 6 months	28 February 2025 25 January 2028
Declutter	Sell all sister’s used items at home ~~Get rid of unused clothes~~ Get rid of old under wears Develop system to recycle Develop system to house clean	31 December 2025 28 February 2025 31 March 2025 31 March 2025 31 March 2025
Update my wardrobe	Buy 2 outdoor working pants ~~Get more socks~~ ~~Buy new under wears~~ Buy 1 or 2 jeans Buy 2 dress shirts Buy 1 pair of flats Buy 1 pair of dressy slippers Buy 1 leather court shoes	31 March 2025 31 December 2025 31 December 2026
Sleep hygiene	Get extra set of beddings Get heavy blanket Sleep at least 5 hours a day 8 hours sleep on weekends Change sheets twice a month	31 December 2025 31 December 2026 25 January 2028
Balance self-healing with enjoying life	Visit parents every week Visit grandma once a month Wear makeup for errands Take myself out to nice places once a month – cafe, library, museum, city walks, beach, nature, arts, events, window-shopping Buy flowers for myself every 2 weeks	25 January 2028
Self-awareness and behaviour change	~~Vision board~~ Fixer behaviour awareness Perfectionism awareness Attention Abundance mindset Money psychology Inner child work	~~31 January 2025~~ 25 January 2028

Devotion

Action	How	Timeframe
Memorise Qunut	Write and practice	31 December 2025
Write in my Dua Journal	Write before sleep daily	25 January 2028
Audit my fasts and pay fidhyah	~~Track from the earliest I can find~~ Record in apps	~~28 February 2025~~ 25 January 2028
Improve my prayers	Work around activities with prayer times	25 January 2028
Finish reading the Quran annually	Finish reading in average 10 surahs a month	25 January 2028

Finance

Action	How	Timeframe
Debts	Pay RM5000 off study loan Pay off RM1600 membership fees	25 January 2028
Investment (40%)	USD MMF ASNB Fixed Fund ASNB Equity Principal Insurance ETF & Stocks	25 January 2028
Savings (60%)	Emergency RM6,000 (HYSA 70%, ASB 30%) Gym Operation RM3,000 (HYSA) Competition Fund – 1,000 (HYSA) Travelling Fund – 2,000 (HYSA)	25 January 2028
Income	Earn at least RM2,500 monthly from fitness Earn at least RM45,000 from Consulting	25 January 2028 25 January 2028
Expenses	Live under RM1,500 every month (monthly commitments, fuel, utilities and groceries)	25 January 2028

Pending Jobs

Action	How	Timeframe
Mural at HATWKK	Running group photo section Helicopter section Logo section Diving chamber section	30 April 2025 25 August 2025

Preliminary Action

Action	How	Timeframe
Produce report and send to each branch	Write general report on state level & personalise on branch level Submit reports	30 August 2025
Service	Brainstorm quick entry service offering into the industry Develop service Launch	31 August 2025 31 December 2025 1 January 2026
Maintain contacts with key people	Check on agency activities	25 January 2028

Work Delegation

Action	How	Timeframe
Find instructors to replace HIIT, Tabata and Strength Circuit classes	~~Contact instructor and agree on pay, classes and schedule – to start on April 2025~~	31 March 2025
Security feature on current gym apps	Secure login for admin page	31 August 2025

Home Making

Action	How	Timeframe
Bathroom makeover	Clean and paint ceiling ~~Fill holes on wall tiles area~~ ~~Paint wall tiles~~ ~~Paint floor tiles area~~	28 August 2025
Main room cleaning	Wet mop and remove debris Source materials to level the floor Get flooring (vinyl or epoxy)	31 December 2025
Bathroom sink repair	Source tools and pipes	31 December 2026
Beautify garden	Get 2 rose plants Get 2-3 other flower plants Orchid care and repotting	31 December 2026
Dismantle double decker bed	~~Dismantle and store away~~	28 February 2025

Hobbies

Action	How	Timeframe
UOB Art Competition	Come up with themes and materials Work up on costs and items resourcing Start painting	31 May 2026 31 May 2026 1 July 2026

Education

Action	How	Timeframe
Pilates ISSA cert CF L1 cert NASM / ACE cert	Save on at least RM5,000 for each certificate	31 December 2025 31 December 2026 25 January 2028

Fitness & Nutrition

Action	How	Timeframe
Nutrition system	~~Get information on what I buy and eat in a month~~ Build a macro plan and budgets needed Eat 4 meals, 100-170g of proteins, less carbs daily	28 February 2025 25 January 2028
Training	Build on existing skillset & volume ~~Learn handstand~~ Learn bar muscle ups ~~Increase training intensity 4x a week~~ More engine training Annual PR weights increase at 5kg each year Body fat % +- 22% Target weight 70kg	25 January 2028

It took me almost a month to deliberate what I want to focus for the development plan, and actually 2 days in completing writing all of this. Let’s start working towards my ideal self and focus!

January 26, 2025

What’s My Issue? New Year Check

I was having a temporary misalignment last night. I have been containing my suffering from feeling burnout mentally and physically this month. I am grateful that I have people to talk to about my problems especially working as a fitness professional. Essentially, anything big or small that triggers or inconveniences me made it felt like a huge deal. Some of the things that trigger me these days are when I come upon any writing on something that made me question my decision that is against my will, but is the right thing to do. I don’t want to minimise my feelings, just at time, I am double-checking the root cause of why I am feeling off in a moment (emotion = energy in motion).

About a few weeks ago, I have been trying to rest like really have quality rest to recover my body and my mind afresh. Managed to do that, despite of that, however, I still managed to have that off feeling. Upon reflecting and after doing some reading, I was actually facing emotional void. For the first time I could actually relate to and like meet it face to face, and recognising that this is it. I have read about it years ago when I had that cloudy and overwhelmed feelings – but these I thought are the results of my burnouts and nervous system dysregulation as I was consistently on the go and being in survival mode. Now that I have got it sorted, almost, it’s the void that I have to deal with now. It is confusing and an uncharted territory to me to feel this void – I kept going outwards to give my attention to – to keep me busy, from what I am going to reveal next.

It occurs to me today, after some reflection, I was like, why am I still getting myself bothered on other people’s business that has nothing to do with me? So, I was intentionally not making myself a victim like thinking about why certain people could not change, of how people don’t appreciate me enough, on how certain people need to fix themselves. Instead, I switch the focus on myself – what is it about me that care so much about what other people are doing, that has nothing to do with me and out of my control? This is not foreign to me, but it just shows I am not used to and comfortable with fixing my own problems. It is easier to look at other people’s flaws and insecurities and try to ‘help’ and ‘fix’ them, than doing that for myself. Again, whenever I am feeling vulnerable, I look outwards rather than inwards to regulate my feelings and emotions. When I don’t get anything externally, I am feeling sad and frustrated.

It is so apparent that I am that ‘fixer’ and that is why, combined with my hypersensitivity, I am very good at listening and help people where they need it the most. Like I can really read them well and come up with SWOT analysis mentally in my head. At first, I didn’t identify myself as having this character. The more I think of my dynamics with other people that I relate with on day-to-day basis, the more apparent that I might relate with people by unconsciously trying to fix them as well. Like, the thing with my sister, my family, my role as a trainer, software engineer (like hello, we do problem-solving and fixing as a living) and troublesome men. On the good side, it is needed to help those who are lost and need some perspectives to solve their problems; and great for nurturing careers. And this strengthens my choice on focusing on becoming a consultant! On the other hand, doing that excessively, is kind of disrespectful on limiting other people’s ability and learning processes to be accountable and responsible for themselves and their actions. Just that I need to practice and set my boundaries of what to care on and what is not my business.

Now, I have all the time in the world for me, it’s my time, and I have my own issues and challenges that I have got to face. The month of January is really hectic and I have not done yet with writing my plans for the next 3 years (I have got to, time is running out.). Probably, this is also the reason I am feeling like I am not going anywhere – still lack of focus and direction. The other day, I dreamt that my mom told me I have a baby daughter which I didn’t get to meet in that dream (and probably out of wedlock cause my mom was horrified when I broke the news out of excitement to my grandmother, too funny!). As I searched on the internet on what my subconscious was trying to tell me, it could be that I am beginning to grow as a new person and that what I have been building is slowly coming into fruition. My gut is telling me that I am on the right track. My vision is clear. The things to work on now are mostly on finishing what I have started, removing distractions, making my days more efficient and to stay disciplined and healthy for years to come.

January 25, 2025
Kitchen Drain Problem Solved!
Oh my God, I actually managed to unclog my kitchen sink drain! Have been trying to solve it for months already. At first I tried Mr Muscle Declogger solvent – bought 2 bottles of those, it only managed to declog the direct kitchen sink pipe but something was still staying stuck inside the drain. So, I figured it was the main kitchen drain to the sewage drain that was stuck. I poked the kitchen floor trap hole using the drain snake cable and found small fragment of dense fat and some small adhesive parts that might have gotten in without me realising. It was still blocked though.

I continued to look for solutions and upon watching YouTube videos, I found a solution by a local plumber suggesting to pump the water and drain with wet mop inside the floor trap hole. I kept digging in the comments, he then suggested to use small towel that could fit in for about a foot and more inside the floor trap hole. I tried that first time, I thought it didn’t work. I was already exhausted and decided to try again another time.

So today, I have another bout of dysregulation, just a mild one. I know because I couldn’t sit still, my mind was wandering around and I kept thinking about eating desserts. Did some stretching and went to the sink to put away dirty dishes. I was so distraught by the blocked sink again that it was getting worse. I couldn’t even wash a single stuff without having the water escaped from the kitchen floor trap drain.

I just boiled a jug and more of water first. Then I stuck a wet towel inside the floor trap, making sure it was secure and compact. I poured all the boiled water inside the sink. The water was stuck there for a bit, and I began pumping the floor trap drain with the wet towel – until I hear the sound of all stuck water moving out of the sink! It was a loud flush sound. Then I did a second round of pumping and boiled another jug of water. The boiled water immediately flowed very fast from the sink unlike the first time around. Then only I thought, hey, it worked!!!! I tested again by washing all the dishes on the sink and watch the floor trap drain. The water didn’t submerge from the drain hole! So that really confirmed it!

I am just so thrilled and so relieved. Didn’t know a clogged kitchen sink could affect my entire routine and being. It was so inconvenient. The thing that I learnt again about me, I was not being so attached to it, it was a normal thing, I wasn’t being too much. So many people are facing the same problem, and it drives them nuts!

For future reference, if this happens again, what I should do is to:
1. Boil a jug or more of water
2. Block the kitchen floor trap with wet towel all the way inside – use a screwdriver to push the towel in (my drain hole is small)
3. Pour the hot water inside the sink
4. Pump the drain with towel until all the water from the sink are flushed out
5. Repeat the process until the water moves seamlessly from the sink
I am so happy part of the stuff I am annoyed with is already solved. Now I can focus on other stuffs.
January 9, 2025
Imago Relationship Theory
I spent the past few days to rest and do nothing (despite of deadlines of my studies tasks but I know I could get it done real fast when I’m more regulated). Just started to feel the panic attack symptoms again. Good thing though I am more prepared this time to not focus so much on it and calm myself down. I finished 2 books and 1 that really create more awareness in me on how I relate with people. The book is an old-school relationship therapy one, Getting the Love You Want by Dr Harville Hendrix and his wife Dr Helen Hunt. So many have recommended on the book, I just finally managed to get and read it.

It started with how childhood upbringing affects how we react or relate to others – this one is not so foreign to me as it’s gaining more popularity now. First, I was mostly affected by a mythical story on how a character (I forgot the name) who has 4 limbs (arms/legs) as a whole creature was split into two and thrown into earth. Then, it spent its life looking for its other half. The author described a good analogy on how an individual who was whole when he or she was born, but slowly losing wholeness due to events that represses the other half of an individual that touched around taboo issues, socialisation to be accepted in a community or a group that do not accept a person’s authentic individuality. The repressed or lost self then is the other half that we all keep searching for – mostly in a form of another person that we keep mistaken as ‘soul mate’, because essentially our soul that we are born with are lost and we want to be healed and be whole again. Using the story of mythical creature made me see and understand all clear and vivid on why I unconsciously am attracted to only a certain type of people.

The Imago Relationship Theory talks about the phenomenon that we normally unconsciously pick a partner that closely resembles our parents – with all their good and bad traits. When we are mistreated by a partner, our pain caused by bad memories with our parents is activated and the body sends distressed feelings for fear of safety or death. That is why it feels so painful when I sense mistreatment from someone closest to me. I knew that I really need to dissect what really has happened and went on with me in my childhood. I used to think that I had an awesome one because I had plenty of time to play and were always surrounded with my cousins. I think what really screwed our upbringing stability, my siblings and I, was that mom had to go abroad to study and left us for a few years being taken care of by our maid and grandparents. And then after she got home, we moved to a new place which was much less nicer than our previous home (I think my parents were mostly stressed out during these times, economic bubbles and crash; while taking care of 6 growing children who need more resources and attention for school and education, teenage rebellious hormones etc), and I was sent to boarding school. I had many lovely memories with my parents, they really are not bad at all at parenting and providing – as they are also humans struggling with their own issues, a few crucial things were overlooked. Just to be more aware on my wound and triggers (by no mean I am being disrespectful, hurtful or petty towards my parents, I am so grateful that they have raised me so well), I am listing down what I liked and what I disliked about my parents and my childhood.

Like list:
- I like that my dad spent time to play with all of us – some incidents that I remember, he built a makeshift tent at our lawn, made paper kites for us to play on windy days, took us out to the beach on weekends, taught us to catch small fish from the stream
- Dad is a nostalgic person – he recorded each of our memories going out, our achievements at school etc
- He bought a bike and sent me to school every morning when I was 7
- He cared about nurturing my intelligence and academic talents – he made wooden blackboard and dedicated to teach me maths in the evening whenever he could
- He was really open and didn’t really shove gender roles expectations towards me, like pressuring me to be all demure and nice. I never had those dolls or other girly toys when I was a kid – not that I remember of. He gave me books, piggy banks, the ‘H’ building block sets that I really loved. He just let me play with my boy cousins doing whatever around his parents’ house whenever we had gatherings.
- He is meticulous on cleanliness, his environment or who he associates with
- He overall is a great provider financially
- About mom, she is the nicer parent in my eyes
- She acknowledged my presence and responded whenever I needed her
- I thought she was the most gentle and beautiful woman in my eyes when I was a kid (well, mom is pretty and still look youthful for her age)
- She collected stamps from all over the world when she was abroad cause she knew I loved collecting stamps (but the collection was ruined cause my brother threw it into swamp in one of our disagreements)
- She rarely declines my requests or need for help
- One of the memories that I would never forget is when one afternoon we were in my parents’ room and she scribbled a picture of me with pencil on paper.
- She appreciates beautiful things and loves pampering me with girly beautiful stuffs like clothes, shoes, bags whatever.
- She is creative with so many hobbies and crafts
Dislike list:
- Dad can be self-centered and insensitive to my feelings
- He often dismissed what I had to say when trying to join in his conversation which left me feeling stupid and not making sense or feeling like I don’t have conversational skills
- He does not know how to treat me like a daughter, does not show love, respect nor appreciation of my individuality
- He often changes his mind on something making me feel confused at times
- Fragile ego
- Angry, lashed out on others, hypervigilant and short-fused – later acted normal as if he did not do anything outrageous that hurt us
- Think he is the only one who is right
- Mom doesn’t deal with things or difficult issues – rather let things solve itself (or other people jumping in to help)
- She represses her authentic self – very different person at home, with friends and with her family
- She does not really fight for what she wants and needs
- She is not consistent – easily swayed by the mass or external circumstances
- She does not see herself as a person capable of agency, often does not know what she wants and relies on others to influence her actions or decisions
- She is chronically stressed and hides it
- She can be disorganised
- She can be petty and manipulative
- She just hides herself as a person behind her role as a mother, wife, daughter, sister or whatever role she acknowledges herself as.
- She can be overly critical of me and on how I do things
- She can be persistent and tactical to get what she wants. Sometimes I don’t know her acting like a helpless person is because she really feels helpless or just an act to get us involved
Often when I was little, I got frustrated with my parents and wanted to run away either to my mom’s parents house or my dad’s sister house who lives nearby with her family. I don’t recall my dad being close to his siblings due to him himself, often was away from his childhood home, except with one or two elder sisters. I think I have to add 4 more guardians that forms my childhood experience as well which 3 of them have passed away.
- My aunt, who had worked in a bank that time. I view her as a smart career woman. She was chatty, funny and outgoing. We maintained relationship until the time she passed away this year.
- Her husband, very nice man so different than my dad. He was lively, expressive and put his heart on his sleeves. I totally felt love and joy interacting with him as a kid. He loved us girls but could be critical to his sons.
- My mom’s mother – she is the ultimate housewife and caregiver, model eldest daughter. Very disciplined and organised with chores and also has a lot of hobbies and skills. She is a very talented woman. She loves to cook us food but can be a bit dictatorial with us when we girls are not doing our functions as a lady, who cooks and serves men food and drinks – all the traditional role of a woman as nurturer and childbearer. I remember when I stayed with my grandparents, I had joined her everyday to the mosque for Maghrib prayers; went for all the weddings, gatherings whatever functions in the village. I spent a lot of time alongside her when I was not at school as I was the good helpful obedient smart first granddaughter. I learnt about how to earn money from her. She could be a bit prideful, as I remembered she scolded me when a teacher lent me a clothing item for a performance, saying to return it back and that we can afford to buy those for ourselves. I didn’t understand her sentiment that time but I felt that my grandmother has endured so much to become that way. Nonetheless, I often feel her love and warmth whenever I visited her.
- My mom’s father – a retired teacher; he was a popular, artsy and charming man. Literally everyone who is a retired teacher or in their 50s and above in Sabah knows him or had been his student. He was a good storyteller and often so interested in what happened around him. I love that he was so fun to be around with and easy to talk to. His life was simple, tend to his farm in the morning till afternoon, home by lunch hour to eat and nap, out again and be back by dusk for prayers. He taught us on how to read the Quran when I was little. He was very comfortable being around us and his daughters, often teasing us; but sometimes I didn’t appreciate when he compared me with my mom cause my mom, according to him, was the most beautiful girl in the village before she got married. I didn’t really understand his character but he was fun to be with and often were up for some adventures for us kids. As I got older into adulthood, I feel that he became a bit critical of me for not leading a traditional life, not being married at a certain age and do not have a stable career (like working 9-5 or in government sectors). Both him and my grandmother had this scarcity mindset when it comes to money – probably because they have to raise 9 children together that time.
I do not know yet what can I do with these information as I have not yet finished reading the book. At least I am aware what my triggers are now. As I reflected on my teenager and undergraduate student phase, I felt so odd and outcast, normally hid myself towards what I am good at – getting good grades. I remember feeling so much shame and guilt for not studying on a movie night at school that I skipped movie and decided to study. The thought in my head was, my mom deceived the scholarship provider by altering my guardian details, I didn’t deserve the scholarship and I must do well in studies so that I will not abuse the taxpayer’s money to fund my studies. This was when I was 14 years old. I was so angsty and rebellious during this phase – hormonal and not understanding myself and upset that people did not understand me. I think the school had aggravated my already self-conscious overwhelmed with unworthiness self a lot more. I found solace with a small group of friends in marching band and a teacher who had helped me a lot at school. I wasn’t at peace. In addition to the stressors of blending in with students with competitive and high performing mindset, I was deceived to sacrifice my appreciation of my beauty (my aunt told me it’s mandatory to cover my hair, when that was not the truth). I know this might sound funny and trivial, but I was not happy looking like an aunt who didn’t know how to style her hijab that time.

Looking back, I think I should not punish my parents harshly for what happened to me. They pretty much accepted my anger, fashion sense and all. They provided me the best they could and still does when I need it. They just don’t know how to connect to my soul on a deeper level – like acknowledge my struggles, actually putting in more effort to show support in everything I do – not only on those that they agree with, being less critical of my choices, not putting so much pressure towards me to earn high income and respectable society status; as what they had projected towards my siblings. Among contributing factors are the boarding school system which is supposed to be the best and elite in the country, immature adults, distorted religious beliefs, temporary neglect when my parents were in tough times that I have dealt with that had scarred and changed the way I was. No one was present to be with me and teach me how to deal with my vulnerabilities facing my challenges and struggles. I was left with myself to make sense of things and learn how to survive – at least this is how I see my story. Probably in many years to come, I might see it differently, hopefully for the better.
December 29, 2024
Year End Review 2024

It’s a week away before 2025 comes and I have not yet come up with my plan for next year. It’s just that my mind still has so much clutters and I can’t really point out what really is keeping me busy or unproductive (the magic word – I can’t really live without being productive). Maybe I should quickly sort out what’s going on recently.

Last week was busy, like back to back preparations and attendance for Christmas parties and meetups, like from 14 Dec till 20 Dec, I attended 6 events, including dinner and my Christmas party classes. I think most of my energy went for the preparation, being socially present and I rest very little that week. Despite that, I really had a great time and the things that I prepared for went really well. I am so proud of myself for the courage to go out there and enjoy festivities with people I am not really close with. One thing that I noticed is that people really appreciate me and my presence. I don’t feel alone anymore. Best thing ever, a class participant told me, she said something like this, “Nurul, you are one of the best instructors that we’ve had.” I am so thankful with the opportunity to be around with such quality women.

I am also worried that I spent so much on food these days. Like I ate a lot! I mean I really need food more than I used to have, but I don’t know if I am overdoing it or not. I also feel that I am heavier and have grown bigger – my waistline expands a bit cause my abs and obliques have grown a lot, but my body fat has reduced only a little. My lats are bigger as well as my arms and shoulders. My chest pecs are more visible now. I have not checked my measurement for a while. So, it’s pretty confusing to me. To be fair, I did a lot of gymnastics drills last week, maybe I need to recover and nourish myself a lot more. I also covered a lot more classes last week and this week. What makes me unsettled is that I now have to buy new sports bra as the ones that I have feels tighter than usual and at times I feel it’s hard to breathe. I can barely fit into my weightlifting belt – still can manage if I squeeze hard into my torso. Sometimes I look bloated from my side profile, the muscles just make my belly fat more apparent.

I still have not finished my assignment and done with my viva presentation slides. I must do it latest within 1st week of 2025, otherwise, things are going to be so chaotic. Also, I got to pay my semester fees by then, and claim from EPF at least I can reinvest the money.

The minor ones, my kitchen drain is stuck for a few weeks already. I thought I had it sorted out but the blockage just reduced a little bit after a few interventions. Options would be to ask my brother, ask the management or buy a temporary portable sink so that I can do my dishes outside. My plants are not doing well, some died and I killed my mom’s dying orchid. I feel so sad. Though it’s not my fault, I just want to do something nice for my mom cause according to her, my grandma had the orchid since my mom was a kid. Imagine how long had it been alive! I’ll buy her a new one with flowers. My car air conditioner is being erratic, still bearable but I got to sort this out because it’s dangerous to drive when it rains heavily outside.

These are all my worries for now (that I can think of now). I feel that my body is inflamed and dysregulated with all these functions and worries. On top of that, I am also upset that my siblings do not acknowledge that we have to step away from the dysfunctional family dynamics that I am seeing and are accusing me of trying to break the family apart. That is the least of my intention. Of course I love my parents and all, but I don’t appreciate being treated the way everyone does – lacking in empathy, care, kindness and respect. They never take me seriously anyways, so might just focus on myself. What matters is I tried. I have to set my boundary and limit my interactions with them.

Okay, that is a whole lot of stuffs to process and feel within a week. On towards what I want to work on in 2025. The focus is in generating wealth and creating stability; also building meaningful connections and relationships. So, areas that I am going to think about financially is on the targets and goals for my earnings, investments (set aside RM500 for year-end shopping), savings (at least RM2,000 ready) and debt management. Keep tracking my expenses so that I know how to configure my resources optimally. And then come up with figures and my plans on how to achieve my financial goals. Next one, strategies to manage AFC more efficiently – how can I use tools to simplify my processes while building more numbers. And then, start to think on my consultancy firm – core service, team and stuff, just about setting up, not even talking about earnings yet. I want to sharpen up my technical knowledge and find time to build a simple cloud solution for sale and subscribe. To manage my time and energy wisely, with teaching, training and recovery – pair with adequate nutrition, hydration and rest. My fitness goal would be to reduce my body fat percentage and progressing on skills. Finally, I have to set the timeline to finish pending projects.

On personal level, I would like to treat myself a bit better and be more in control with my time and energy. Find time for creative hobbies, improve my living conditions, declutter and invest in skincare, haircare and quality clothings. Schedule and prep my nutritional needs ahead, and a lot more. Be mindful with my expenses, home and car maintenance; as well as get ahead of bills. Anything at all that will help myself to heal and become better. I want to be that person who enjoys fashion and the finer things in life again.

Reflecting back, I have achieved so much this year. My income increased, and I actually hit my target set earlier. My competence and fitness level has grown a lot. I am a lot fitter and stronger than I was in January this year. I actually managed to finish my thesis – all the difficult stuffs; data collection (I still can’t believe I was so shameless with the whole thing, asked for help, travelled all over the place for this, like not overthinking if its logical or not – like just wing it!), data analysis, thesis writing – I managed to overcome. I pushed my limits. I stood up for myself a lot and had the courage to have difficult conversations. I practiced my set boundaries. Less of people-pleasing. I created a community of people who are loyal and value fitness. I was comfortable being and showing my true self. On love relationship and family front, not progressing so well but there were efforts made, and I did my best, which mattered. Best thing I could do is just let go and accept people as they are. Be at peace with it and just remain respectful and kind.

I believed in myself more and trusted my abilities to overcome adversities. I can say that I have had a fulfilling year so far; and I have only God to thank for.

December 24, 2024