Virtually Nurul – { Research | Fitness | Designs } by Nurul

Author: Nurul

  • Family Values and Spiritual Dilemma

    I just want to write this out on something that I still don’t know how to deal with. I really am happy with my life, though it’s not quite can be sustainable for the long run – I positively believe I could thrive if I just stay on my track and be consistent. However, this current version of me, is not the version of myself that my family know of. I don’t know what happened to my family – they are so enmeshed and can’t see that it’s really not helping in personal growth of their own. I don’t care if that’s what they want for themselves; you, do you – certainly, those really are not my values. I sensed that my family noticed the growing gap between us, thus, trying to pull myself back in – sometimes forcefully.

    I am triggered when I have been asked to perform umrah with my family members, like, for more than three times already despite of me declining to go. I mean, it’s a good thing – but I am not spiritually there yet. Maybe I am scared that my family would want me to change myself again to be more like them. My family has never been respectful of one’s individuality. I honestly really hate them for this. Maybe I am scared too that some things in my life have to change after. I know how manipulative my mother can be. It still upsets me when I think of what she did and the rest of the family that caused me to lose my identity and myself growing up. I never knew a different version of myself except to be an obedient and subservient daughter, granddaughter and sister. I really don’t want to be that person again.

    Anyways, I just agreed to them that I would go. Probably there would be something good that would come out of it. I have never been to Saudi too. I don’t have the whole picture yet on how it is going to turn out for me. See how our dynamics are, if they want to push me around again like they used to – I gotta straighten them up. My best strategy now, is to leave everything up to Allah – Allah knows what’s in my heart and what’s best for me. Trust that everything will be okay and that I can block and handle my family’s manipulation. Allah will protect me as always.

  • Oct Check-In!

    It’s first day working after long break – thanks for long weekend! I am so burnt out. How did I know? I spent 2 whole days sleeping and relaxing, but I still feel so tired and lazy; like total dysfunction. However, today I managed to do some home organisation – so at least things are moving.

    Post-DBA submission, so many things has happened real fast – couldn’t barely sit down and process my feelings. I thought I have slowed down a lot but things still feel too much for me. What recently has happened:

    August – Taught for an event organised by KBS for over 20 participants, went to Nuluh Lapai Hill for a hike with the ladies, bought a new phone – yes, I’ve got 2 now, got sponsored to attend a conference, quite a major one – acquainted with 1 person in industry, upgraded some equipment at the gym, used TikTok – my video went viral so I used up a lot of energy with communicating with inquiries back and forth (still am today – tired but thankful), submitted my final DBA thesis draft

    Early September – kind of blur, not sure what has happened – I probably just trained my ass out and got a few minor injuries. Started to teach Saturday classes. Dealing with new gym members. Oh yeah, I think I was trying to recover so much as I just discovered on my intolerance on rich chocolate brownies – probably due to so much caffeine. This really took up my energy. My sister (5th sibling) gave birth to a boy! Towards the end, I was racing against time writing paper for a conference to submit by end of September. Along the timeline in the month, I went to visit my client’s office to check on their server and got treated with pizzas and coffee!

    October – Finishing that paper for submission and presentation – quite disoriented a bit cause overlapped with Bodypump new release launch and catching up with training. Presented for a conference and awarded best presentation and best paper overall for the conference. Attended physical thesis delivery ceremony with my friends. My sister opened up to me that the siblings are under some mystical attack – you guys, I was so freaked out – but I believed that Allah is always protecting us. I seriously am not sure why I am drained so much this month. And then of course my birthday came, and I had amazing celebration before and during my actual birthdays. I think I have finally solidify my circle of people. We went hiking at Aura Montoria. And then, I celebrated my birthday at my parents’ with my nieces and nephews – I treated them doughnuts and sushi. They are so cute! Now, I am trying to track back and setup the development environment to complete my clients’ system. Learning and planning all the way from zero.

    So yeah, so many important occasions have happened that’s worthy of a post. Am I going to be stressed out by this? Probably. I’ll prioritise what I need to do first – rebalance my energy level. I even dug deep assisted by ChatGPT and laid out my schedule together with my suggested nutrition plan. My day-to-day schedule is based on discipline – like I am always running around to meet deadlines and scheduled class times that by the time I need to do important work, I am already depleted to do anything else. I have to balance deep focus work with recovery, training and my physically demanding work.

    Also, I shouldn’t be taking so much extra classes – my body is going to crash. It’s good to know that my body goals are on track – however, I still want to lose more fat mass. My muscle mass is reaching 29.7kg now, reaching 30kg. I am doing better with supplements now – just have to watch out my finances so that I won’t overdo it. My body has changed a lot now that I gained so much upper body mass – my sports bra can no longer fit. My coach pointed out to me that my lats are so tight and joked about my clothings – then again, I too sensed that something need to change. I couldn’t fit into my weightlifting belt anymore and it annoys me so much as it’s expensive to buy a new one. Probably I should sell mine should I get another one – remember to buy a size M this time Nurul!

    So yeah, that’s to quickly summarise my months. There are so much that I wanted to write and got off my chest and my mind – it’s getting messy and cluttered in there. I’ll revisit and write more when I have the time. Just focus and hang in there!

  • Post-DBA Directions

    So I was feeling a bit lost after finishing my DBA. I am so thankful to UiTM staffs who had been so helpful in ensuring I submitted my work on time. It’s like I am losing focus after transfixed on completing my DBA for so long. So, upon completion, I gotta find my direction again as there are so many things that I want to do.

    Just listing things down here so that I can refer back whenever I am lost in the future.

    • Report and presentation to agriculture authority on my research – report and slides preparation (by end of 2025)
    • Online movie ticket purchase and system for client – target launch next year (by end of 2025)
    • Artwork from my questionnaire papers – 2 artwork – 1 big one (rectangular) to place on top of couch, the other one (circle) next to window (by October 2025)
    • Document on my DBA journeys – especially data collection stuffs
    • HATWKK mural
    • AFC operation consolidation – accounts, licenses details (change premise)
    • CrossFit training for next year – halt on building strength, focus on building engine for the next 3 months.
    • RM5k total investment and saving values by end of year.

    After finishing all these, I think I can move forward already. So I got 3 more months to complete the main ones. Next step is to breakdown what are the processes needed to complete all those. Hope everything is going to be fine.

  • Final Thesis Draft Submitted!

    At long last, I submitted my finalised thesis draft, a month after my corrected thesis was returned to me from examiner. That was pretty decent time to correct everything for me. I wasn’t aware of the need for format checking by UiTM committees and it might require once or twice of amendments. The thesis coordinator accepted my final draft – she clearly was upset as it was sent at the last minute. I felt bad for her, but I also did my best with everything going on around me. So here’s the screenshot of the whole thing, I can’t wait to hear the good news from AAGBS. I really am hoping to graduate soon together with my batchmates.

    After grueling weeks, I finally got it done!! I can officially write my reports to Peladang managers now. There are so many of them, therefore I have got to plan how am I going to do it. Another great news is that my previous conference proceeding article is finally featured on Google Scholar! It might not be a Q1 or Q2 article, but it’s out there. I really want to pioneer into this topic. Though I hate writing, I really enjoy sharing my piece on this. Don’t want to mix with a lot of stuff in this entry. So yeah, cheers to me for finishing it! Thank you Allah!

  • That One Who Got Away

    I was in the midst of deleting old emails from my Google Mail to empty out my Google Drive storage. I kept deleting until the year 2014 when I was in UK, there was an email forwarding me photos of my parents visit in UK with a message saying “here are your photos. Kirim salam sama family”. It was from someone I have let down over some guy I had a crush on.

    It’s not that I didn’t like him. He’s 11 years younger than me. I didn’t think he liked me, like seriously that much.He’s always around when I needed him. He liked my cooking. Whenever I had extra food at home, I’d call him and asked if he’d like some. He would gladly come over to pick them up and never failed to compliment my cooking. When I needed company to ride the train to town, he would gladly do so with me. I wasn’t sure and wasn’t thinking of anything cause there were only a number of us Malaysians there in Wales and it’s very common to be helpful towards one another.

    He caught me alone with the guy I liked at my backyard in the middle of a conversation. I confessed to that guy that I liked him, and I thought he might have heard our conversation. Afterwards, he became cold to me – as if he knows what’s going on. He’s not that bad, he’s quite attractive, athletic, well-dressed, polite and he’s protective of me. Only issue was he was way too young. And I thought he’s a bit conservative that he might not like my guts and limits my freedom. He backed of and I have never heard of him again. Last time I was on Twitter, he might have mentioned on him getting married or something. I don’t know his other social media accounts, he completely stopped posting afterwards. Turns out, the guy I liked, wbile he’s so charismatic, he’s just a fake and I was so heartbroken. We met last time he was here but yeah I just can’t with his fakeness.

    Thinking back, it was so unfair to him. But love is never fair. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. Maybe it’s a redirection. But should I have the chance again, I would definitely give us a shot. I hope he’s happy somewhere in the universe and I would like to apologise for being such a bitch last time and for taking him for granted. By chance, we might see each other again,hopefully in better circumstances.

  • August 2025 Check-Ins

    Nothing much going on for me lately except that I am moving like a clockwork day-in day-out (or it just feels that way). Just feeling so overwhelmed last night, I think I need a week break to organise myself. I am feeling so out of alignment these days.

    Just to put things out of my head, these are upcoming things I am completing soon-ish as in within 48 hours:

    • My fitness coaching info flyer design
    • Fixing client’s server
    • Finishing my last thesis correction
    • Finish editing all the post-class group photos and update
    • Social media structure and planning – define my content pillars and frequency of posting – maybe I am already adding a whole new career other than teaching fitness and my IT business – new source of stress
    • Still contemplating on TikTok
    • Laundry, wash my shoes, clean the house
    • Volleyball friendly match 24th August
    • Stretching and fixing my injured arm
    • Food prep – yoghurt and flat breads
    • MYJ websites
    • AFC link on website
    • My brother needs my help and involvement in the family companies

    Things are so cluttered inside my head which blurs my focus. Opportunities coming in, but I am just so overwhelmed with current workload. However, I need these new opportunities to grow my income. How do I optimise my time and energy? Here are a few options:

    • Reduce hours of teaching. I would not reduce my training as it’s important for my mental and physical health
    • Remove clutters in the house – cabinets, shelves or drawers to organise my stuffs – keep the house pleasing, cosy, calming and cool
    • Simplify house chores, not dump everything to do over weekends when I am supposed to rest
    • Limit my social media consumption – when I view contents on social media, it triggers many different emotions in a short span, therefore, making me feel emotionally overwhelmed
    • Build an investment strategy and track my spending again – I overspent on food these past few months
    • Schedule time for projects outside of fitness
    • Write my daily affirmation list for daily boost
    • List down all the items I need to purchase for the house, and plan when to make the purchase and budget, so that I won’t be bothered keep thinking of them inside my head
    • Optimise customer experience so that I don’t have to reply on texts so much
    • Be reminded that I am not my clutter, my relationships, my job and projects. I deserve to live and enjoy what’s good around me and within me.

    So yeah, not writing more. This is the checklist that I need for the month. Stay focused. I can do this!

  • DBA Thesis Correction Feedback

    Received my thesis correction last Friday. I was nervous as heck waiting for examiner’s feedback. Was so relieved to that the examiner okay-ed most of the correction I did except 1 or 2 subsections (I gotta check back) and only need my supervisors to approve the correction. Breaking the tasks, I will focus on these items:

    • Citations check
    • Formatting
    • Subsections amendment
    • Ask for supervisors feedback

    Timeline will be in 2 weeks (due 10th August). I have more free time this week, so I am going to do as much as I can. No more donuts and endless coffee this time. I am trying to get my nerves under control without consuming food that would inflame my body. Let’s start now!

  • Mid-year Development Goals Review 2025

    It’s Sunday, today I am feeling a lot better. Feel a lot more myself compared to previous weeks. I guess it’s inflammation from the food and lack of nutrition that really set me back last time. Seriously, takeaways options have the most damaging dishes to the body and not fit for daily consumption. Yes, over here in Malaysia foods are cheap but quality is subpar. I’d rather cook than having them. I just wish I have more time and energy to prepare well-nourishing food consistently. My food-prep has been untimely lately due to lack of preparation in budget and time. Yeah, I need to reassess again how much food do I need a month with extra supplements on multivitamins and proteins.

    Just quick reviews from my goals as at July 2025:

    Self-care and wellbeing

    • Progressing – focus on decluttering, sleep hygiene first. Next on wardrobe upgrade and my hair maintenance

    Devotion

    • Still a lot to do – focus on memorising Qunut first

    Finance

    • Getting there – work on my actual income to reach RM2,500 and expenses below RM1,500 monthly. Fulfill my savings first, then fill in ASB

    Pending Jobs, Preliminary Action, UOB Painting Competition

    • Have to go at the back-burner this time – I’ll resume things by August 2025 after my thesis submission

    Home-making

    • Small progress but I am slowly getting there. Have to complete the bathroom first; then the living room paint job (which is not in the list but I want a different vibe this time)

    Education

    • Haven’t started saving yet – but I am eye-ing on the Pilates ISSA Cert

    Fitness & Nutrition

    • Still learning on what my body is lacking in and improve my nutrition. Training is going steady, though there are hiccups – I am getting the hang of it now. Did my handstand in May! Now progressing to bar muscle ups.

    I have underestimated the degree of difficulties involved in thesis correction. 2 more stages to go. I hope nothing major is required for the next stage. I have to prepare and care for my body so that I am fit to face whatever that is coming up for this dissertation. I am on track, focus and keep going.

  • Submitted My Thesis and I Don’t Feel Good About It

    So, I managed to submit my thesis 2 days ago. It was among the most intense days in my life. Prior, I just numb myself with coffee I think it has been for months – I actually bought the 1 litre Zus coffee so that I can stay awake during the day to work on my thesis. I really hated doing that, because I had to sacrifice my well-being to this thing. It was the hardest thing ever. I didn’t really procrastinate – my body and brain just did not cooperate because I was consistently under fatigue, and on weekends I have got other commitments. Covering classes, too, did take a toll on my body. I just couldn’t do it anymore.

    My deadline was on Tueday, 24 June. I already put on my emergency survival mode a week before like day to day looking at the thesis and busting my brains out how to think and write. I really felt stupid like, questioning am I even doing the right thing. I was really under so much pressure. I didn’t want to skip training as it’s the only thing that keeps me positive and sane these days. However, my body couldn’t cope doing both if I have so much work to do. I wonder how it would be once I have started doing projects for others. I want to keep my life soft and calm, as it should be. It kind of amazes me how my brain works so well under so much pressure – I was like finding solutions how to make my writing faster all the time, during shower, driving to work and all in betweens. It is so exhausting and frustrating at the same time that I don’t have anyone to lean on during these times.

    After submitting my thesis, I fell sick and still am today. It would be nice if my man was around or at least check on me if I am okay. At times like these, I really wish it would have been someone else who could care, be around and love me the way I want to be loved and cared for. Deep inside, I feel that he will never be that man, until he has healed himself and have the courage to be honest with himself and do the right thing. However, I am just human and I don’t know what’s the future is going to bring – so I still am holding on some hope here. I know it’s not beyond me, and I deserve that kind of love. Only time and fate will tell. It hurts and I feel sad because I have been all alone in sickness and in health – always caring for others, but no one cares for me. Please God, if it’s not him, send me someone who can and want to love me right.

    Nothing feels good today. The world is getting crazier, economy sucks, and I still have to deal with idiots and ignorant people. This is how it feels like when my body crashes after putting on my survival gear for weeks. I so am not going to do it again. Now, I have to really be deliberate how I spend my time and who get to have my energy. Don’t get too attached with anyone. People only appreciate me when I am beneficial to them, and when I match their ideals. I pray that I would find someone who appreciate me with all my good and bad traits – even if they found that I am not someone that they thought I would be. I am feeling so sick. I should go make a cup of chamomile tea and watch sappy movies to calm down and release my emotions.

  • Thesis Correction Checklist

    Chapter 1

    • Pg 18 – Research background – include Sabah background earlier on – general 1-2 pages to focus on Sabah issues
    • Relate with Sabah scenario at the end of paragraph – highlight empirical needs
    • Pg 25 – 1.2 Problem Statement – justify why EA become mediator – straight away involve and relate to Sabah case
    • Pg 26 – Provide evidence – not enough data supporting claims
    • Pg 27 – Insert evidence saying Sabah adoption low, last paragraph of 1.2 approach objectively farmers as entrepreneurs – why study as mediation justify with evidence
    • 1.3 Research objective – theory or construct? – check cohesiveness of problem statement with RO and RQ
    • Add construct definition – small-scale farmers

    Chapter 2

    • Synthesis literature- how the construct relates back to my study in regard with smallholders
    • 2.2.2 agriculture development in sabah – how it is related to constructs
    • pg 47 – rearrange agriculture story
    • pg 47-49 – add evidence and support
    • pg 49 – add more references – add subsection on entrepreneurial ambidexterity
    • pg 51-52 – explain how the review is related to my study and why i adopt suggestion from the studies
    • pg 53 – connectivity and references
    • pg 57 – 2.5.2 justify final development
    • 2.6.1 references

    Chapter 3

    • 3.2 research paradigm and design – ontology & epistomology
    • 3.3.1.4 attach appendix of clearance and permission

    Chapter 4

    • References and support why choose second order modelling
    • 4.5.2 Sabah Divisional analysis extract from thesis

    Chapter 5

    • Support statements or findings benchmark with previous studies or reference from other places
    • Suggest workable strategies so that they are able to adopt – how it can be done
    • Rephrase title 5.2.1
    • 5.2.2 refer Chapter 4
    • 5.3.1 First order and second order analysis
    • 5.6 Conclusion – what it could solve, can it yield high output?, what support is needed?

    Others:

    • Check for originality
    • Check English American or UK
    • Typos and figures
    • Turnitin
    • Student feedback form (Weekend)