So, it has been almost a month since I passed my viva. From the comments I received from the examiners, I knew it was not gonna get easier from then on. Things I struggled with were the feeling of remorse that what I had prepared so hard for was not enough, despite knowing full well that there definitely would be corrections to my thesis; as well as the discomfort of my hard work being criticised. I was already full of it – couldn’t stand to read my thesis anymore. My supervisors suggested that I digest the comments given and start making a list. I didn’t start right away, until I received the results email sent from the uni.
Finally today, I managed to compile the list and its a 12-page document. The first corrections I made were 8 days ago. Compiling the list itself is already an emotional one, but hey, I finally got it done today. Now that the CrossFit Open is over, I can focus back on my thesis again. From the compilations, a lot of attention needs to be addressed to Chapter 1, 2 and 5. Moderate detailings on Chapter 3 and 4.
Major topics that I might struggle with are proving the connection between TRAM and Entrepreneurial Ambidexterity as a mediator. Though I could explain and talk about them logically and sensibly, there is little evidence, though they are there and it’s an important one. I also need to revisit and read a bit on research philosophy and reorganise my details in Chapter 3. I will do my Chapter 1 last. It is the hardest one. Maybe I could find a few theses and learn how they write with continuity and consistency.
I have done the easy editing part. Next, I gotta categorise and break down the things that I want to do based on the feedback.
Theoretical stance – LR references, ambidexterity as mediator – find papers that include ambidexterity with acceptance model
Evidence – mediation concept that supports my study, results on TAM and TRI based on previous studies
Paragraphing and composing – refer correction list
Context – methods – online or offline? find reference and justify which method or is it mixed, first order and second order; synthesise LR made and relate with my studies
Reread and check flow and continuity
Check minor errors – spelling etc, refer on jotted notes from thesis hardcopy
Reformatting, word count and page check
AI generator check, grammar check
A lot of heavy reading here on my literature reviews. Maybe I have to write a list and page of what topic I gotta find and search here. This task is easier but I have to put on a deadline so that I won’t keep searching and reading but not doing anything for my thesis. I will start looking for them today and produce the required list until next Monday. Hopefully I would be able to write something by next week. April will be full-blown time to focus on Chapter 2. May the force be with me!
Reflecting back, it’s crazy that I did all the 3 workout while fasting, and straight away went to teach classes afterwards. I’m not trying to be a tough nut, reality was that, I spent lying in bed sleeping or just lazed on the couch the entire day after class until it’s time for iftar. I had a choice to not do, but typical me, I like to learn things the hard way. Drawbacks of doing Open while fasting – slower muscle recovery, and dehydration causes fatigue and muscle tightness, among others. Maybe there are other strategies to work around it. I didn’t manage to train consistently beforehand as well to prioritise on recovery from teaching so many classes for months and for my viva preparation.
25.1, I did well to my best ability; as well as 25.2 – in terms of doing my best, not that I completed the workout. My pull-up still sucks (help me!), probably just slightly better. 25.3, my target was to at least finish the deadlift part, but that didn’t happen as well, as I wasn’t very well and already affected by dehydration. I was gutted as I had approximately 3 more minutes to deadlift, but my hamstring told me no! But at least I know now how to consistently nail the RX wall walk range.
By 25.2, already stressed out cause a lot of no reps, but I told myself though I only managed to do 12 reps, at least they’re good reps by CrossFit standard. 25.3 my goal was just to get it done and dusted. The leftovers of my competitive and overachiever self felt a bit frustrated that my rank dropped this year (9th of 15 in my category) but that is okay, at least my wall walks technique got better.
Thanks to the coach for the tough judging as according to standard, providing cues on how to move better, and to all the gym mates who were there for the Open and to support as well! I’m happy for all your achievements and on your new records. Looking forward to do it again next year!
It’s 3pm at noon and a scorching hot one. Weather app says it’s 33 degree Celsius out there but feels like 39 Celsius. Feeling extra sluggish this afternoon with fasting and all. I am supposed to start with my thesis correction but still hasn’t gotten around to work on that yet. I feel that I am so unbalanced in many ways to do that. My body aches so much from teaching classes, doing CrossFit Open while fasting and my brain is just not cooperating to perform deep focused work. That, with a faucet problem that I gotta fix, hopefully later this week.
Also, I was served with a notice asking to pay for taxes which threw off my financial balance for a bit. Good thing that I have managed to save some money, which would be enough to pay that off. Ramadan is normally when the gym in Putatan has low turnouts; therefore, less income for me. I have saved for this occasion, however, the unforeseen tax thing just blew things up. I have dealt with the tax thing, now just pray that attendance will catch up so that I can pay my instructors early next month. The stock market is also not doing great because of Trump’s policies, but I am holding on. It’s only temporary, it’s going to recover. I don’t have any more backups for the months April forward, so I’ve gotta strategise how to earn more.
Adding to that, I have to forego an iftar invitation to celebrate with my DBA batchmates due to reasons, one of them being not wanting to splurge on meals. I would love to meet them if it’s not organised anywhere fancy and doesn’t involve our supervisors. My initial feeling of these was shame and guilt – like, how inadequate I am for struggling and not getting my stuff all lined up together. Then again, I am one of the most resilient people I know, I did it before and I can do it again. And also, I feel guilty for letting my batchmates down, but at least I have stated my reason and proposed how and when we could meet in the future. It’s boundary setting and I am just protecting myself from further damage on my finances, adding more shame, remorse, and resentment towards my batchmates who don’t have anything to do with it.
Earlier, I joined my family for iftar at my grandma’s place. I really had a nice time (but it was way nicer when I was younger); however, I don’t fancy the feeling of guilt when I have to decline my grandma’s request for me to sleep over for the night. I would oblige last time, though doing so will inconvenience me so much – like I have to abandon my chores and preparation for work, wondering who is going to drop me home, what time will I arrive home, and things like that. Even then, after everything had settled down, my family and I arrived home at midnight. I dislike how disorganised everyone was, indulging themselves with food and mindless chatter up until late at night. I don’t know, it’s just not for me. Maybe I don’t enjoy late evening events. It could be different if it’s an afternoon event. My grandma looked great though and she definitely was happy that everyone was around to be with her. She asked about my braces of all things! Maybe trying to figure out how I was without being too intrusive.
Today was supposed to be my off day, but I went to replace another instructor’s class this morning. I was so distracted by a member who just did her own thing and not even putting efforts into her workout. As I finished the class, I didn’t feel great or fulfilled like I normally do. And I felt like I just did a mediocre work this morning for not getting everyone engaged and all worked up. After all it was an easy low intensity class, what did I expect. Afterwards, I joined Yoga which was scheduled after my class. It was a nice stretch and rest for my already pained and tight muscles. As the class concluded, there was like a short relaxation period where we all were required to lie down and close our eyes. I was so into it that I briefly fell asleep and dreamt that I was inside a clear water and saw a red fish hovering facing towards me. I had a flashback of the beach that I went in Kunak, so calming and relaxing. I, so badly need to briefly get away from all these routines and the nonsense of other people.
However, just to be fair, I did have a nice weekend and a good rest at home. I managed to spend time with my family and went back to visit my grandma, iftar together, ate delicious foods with the rest of the clan, and perform tarawih prayers together. I managed to do some repairs on my work pants so that I don’t have to buy new ones. I managed to dismantle and sell the double-decker bed frames that have been collecting dust in my room. I didn’t overspend and my planning for this month was on track – except when the taxes bill arrived. I also managed to repot my growing orchids and did some decluttering. I survived teaching classes and doing CrossFit Open while fasting for the second week already without much complication.
Struggle is not shameful and is not making me an incomplete nor an unworthy person. It is a part and parcel of life and my life won’t be free of them. However, how I approach them while getting on with life matters and on how to switch my perspectives – that I don’t know everything, especially regarding on what’s gonna happen in the future. Struggle is there to make me learn, adapt and redirect my approach to resolve issues. When I am feeling shame, guilt and fear, it does not necessarily mean that I am struggling – so I gotta be aware to differentiate between uncomfortable feelings and actually being in the state of struggle. It’s when I am experiencing both, I tend to focus and amplify the struggles, giving me the feeling that I am not worthy and not good enough as who I aspire to be. So really, while the external world is so chaotic and unstable, the enemy is mostly my mind and my constant comparison on what’s ideal. I am good enough, just be with the present moment and do things, or not, one at a time. That’s it! I am going to shower and try again with the thesis correction thing.
The orchid seedlings I bought last year are under my care for 9 months already. They’ve grown so big now. I bought 4 of them initially, but only left with 3, 2 are thriving, 1 needs to be handled carefully as it also looks almost dead. I am gonna wait for a few months to see them bloom, hopefully not too long from now.
I just recycle stuffs from my house, using plastic bottle, used string, parquet pieces, stapler and zip ties.
I used staples and zip ties to hold the structure together. For the repotting mix, I had charcoal land sphagnum moss mixed together. Been wanting to get pine bark and some more charcoals, but that can wait. I hope the orchids love them!
I have been meaning to write about this on the day itself, but I was a bit disoriented and emotional that day. Despite of massive congratulations I received from everyone, I didn’t feel a lot, like excitement or something. People asked how I felt, I said, “Not a lot actually. I am still figuring out what it means.” I know right, despite of all the struggles I endured, it felt the same, and it concerns me a bit. Should I see a therapist now? Anyways, that aside, I did feel truly happy and relieved. It’s just that I still have a lot of work to do. So here’s the account of what happened on the day I passed my viva voce – 24th February 2025, like finally!!!
My viva day, was exactly like I had planned out to be. I prepared my outfit that would make me feel my best, played on a song that would set my spirit up for it – check the song Bad Boy by Megisto out! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EYZ9IjgVnxc). Looked my best that I felt confident with (wasn’t happy with the shoes that I borrowed, but all my shoes are all broken. Minor thing, that’s okay). My nerves were like crazy as I had difficulties to sleep days prior. I told myself, “I am gonna be okay and that I have prepared for this for a long time, I know my work, I did my best – the rest is up to Allah. I am not the smartest person in the world, and it’s okay if I do not get what I had expected.” My mindset that time, is to give my best to explain my research, educate and give clear information of what I did; rather than defending anything. I guess I had the confidence I needed because I prepared well, and everything was in line. Like I read my thesis again back-to-back; aligned my presentation with the story on my thesis, practised my timing and focus on what to explain on a given slide, how much time to spend, made the adjustments needed as suggested by my supervisors.
I arrived 30 minutes early from my viva presentation slot scheduled time, met my supervisor and she’s like, “Cantiknya Nurul!” I smiled at her and settled myself with all the technical preparation for my online presentation. Good thing I learnt from therapists on how to ease my anxieties so I just did the breathing technique taught and told myself it’s going to be okay. I looked good on the camera, I screenshot it but caught by everyone looking on the big screen and I was so self-conscious about it and didn’t manage to save it! Anyways, my viva went no longer than 2 hours, just about 1 and half maybe?
My viva voce setup with panels and my supervisors
Before my presentation, we, my supervisors and I were asked to leave the presentation room first for panel meeting. When we were called in, I straight away presented when we were all ready. My presentation on my screen was 17 minutes but the chairperson noted that it was 15 minutes. The examiners did not ask much on the presentation and we quickly proceeded to my thesis where we went through and discuss the chapters one by one. I liked how the examiners pointed out the details on my thesis, they were both very considerate and constructive with their remarks. Everyone present said I was lucky because I had good and thorough examiners. I was just being myself, and focused on enlightening the examiners, rather than defending my stuffs when asked questions. I admitted where I did wrong and when I didn’t know my stuffs. Looking at the expressions of my supervisors they were all like worried when an examiner pointed out a mistake. I was just taking notes and looking at them as a point to consider to improve my thesis. As we ended, my supervisors and I were asked to wait outside to give room for second panel meeting to discuss on my results.
When we were called in, the chairperson gave her remarks, on how the moment was the moment every student has waited for. The examiners gave their results – that I passed with major correction. I could see my supervisors were so thrilled and did a small clap. I, on the other hand, was already assuming that I for sure gonna get a pass. I was thrilled, but probably less thrilled than everyone in the room. According to them, the major correction doesn’t matter anyway as they thought I needed more time to rewrite my thesis which I do. Thank you very much to examiners! The chairperson then called for everyone to say something on the results. My supervisors turn first, I couldn’t remember what they had said. Then it’s my turn. I thought, I owe this for myself and all the hardships flashed back to me. My speech went more or less like this. “First and foremost, I would like to thank for the examiners for the results. I would like to use this moment to acknowledge on my efforts on how hard I worked for this research.” I paused and tears welled up. Then I continued, “So, I want to thank myself for holding on. And of course, it is not just me making this possible, my supervisors, everyone in the postgraduate administration team for making sure I pay my dues as a student and so many more.” That’s all I could think of that time. The chairperson concluded the meeting with saying things like to stay humble, and acknowledge other people’s effort and stuff. When I first heard of her speech, it’s like she’s judging me and I was like, maybe she has never met someone who considers and values self as much as I do, and claim it out loud. I just let that go. Before we adjourned, I hugged my supervisors and thanked them. My main supervisors said she fasted that day to ask Allah for blessings for me. My supervisors are angels.
As I stepped out of that room, everyone congratulated me, and we chitchatted for a bit. The panels remarked that I was very good at presentation and suggested I could be the right candidate to be a lecturer there. I politely declined, however, I am open for a research or part-time lecturing jobs. Everyone was so pleased in the end. As I got into my car, the happiness and feeling of relief is indescribable. The first person I wanted to break the news to was him (yes, you!); after all I’ve been through, you are still among my favourite persons to talk to. Then, I texted my mom to break the news. She has done a lot for me. Anyways, I spent a few minutes basking in the feeling and thought what I wanted to treat myself for a bit to celebrate. I thought, maybe I could celebrate with a couple of donuts and iced coffee, have lunch by the beach. I proceeded with the donuts and coffee, didn’t do the beach part as it was scorching hot. I really felt that I emerged as a different person as I stepped out of the room!
Group photo with panels sans examiners and with my supervisorsSupervisors and I, thank you so much! Postgraduate administration officer, she had helped me a lot and gave so much encouragement throughout! Minutes after I passed viva voce!Celebration!The unfortunate shoe I wore during viva, not sure it’s mom’s or my sister’s. Sorry didn’t know the heels had rotten and they broke scattered into pieces as I wore them during viva!
I find it hard to go back to my routine life, somewhat it felt like, why am I still doing this, then I remembered the chairperson remarks on staying humble. I guess she did have a point there and actually wasn’t there to criticise my personality. I did feel empty a few hours later. I went home to meet my family and they were all like the usual gloomy vibe, and I was like, I gotta get out of here! Probably it’s Monday’s blues for everyone and my niece started to ask weird questions towards me. I spent a few hours there talking with my niece and nephew. It was so weird but I just let it go.
The feelings after my viva. I definitely felt happy, excited and thrilled, but these feelings – sadness, loss, disoriented; they were all there and felt too. I did a quick search if anyone else felt the same. So relieved to find this thread (End of my PhD and I cannot feel relieved : r/AskAcademia) and that I am not alone.
I am now yet to redefine my existence. What does this degree mean to me? How would I utilise all of these, reconfigure my life towards my goals? I think this is it. Finally the death of the old depressed, directionless version of me. I have shed my old skin. With greater power, comes greater responsibility. Things are going to get more exciting and expansive after this. So I have to declutter and prepare myself for what’s to come. That starts with my home and let go of the responsibilities that are not aligned with my goals. Doing a Doctorate degree and completing one is one hell of a journey. Thank you so much to everyone who has and had been with me throughout the journey; whether you are directly or indirectly involved, doesn’t matter, you all do count. Here is to the new chapter of my life!
Feeling melancholic and gloomy for a bit. Today finally I get to wake up early before my alarm rang. Had a nice training session, went to my parents and did some stuff and head home. Had the best nap ever! My nervous system has regulated for a bit but I still need to take it easy. Open and Ramadan is coming next week, I don’t know how I’ll do but just pray for the best. At least I have gone through my viva. I have the funniest feeling about it but I’ll write about it later. The void feeling that I’m scared of is here, faster than I thought. I don’t know how to balance this, with being overwhelmed everyday, and do nothing and eat and sleep all day. And I slowly accept my reality today. Let go of the past. I’m going to be okay.
Ok last entry for processing today! The month has been moving so fast, as I was replacing classes for colleague instructor 2 weeks in a row, with the new release 131 some more. I think I not only injure my arms and shoulders a little bit, but also dysregulated my nervous system that I consistently feeling dizzy and suffocating despite of trying to get as much sleep as possible and taking care of my nutrition. Anyhow, sister found a letter last weekend.
It is a notice letter addressed to my Dad from YS Foundation on my departure to KL for my 1999 academic session. It’s the final semester of my secondary school and the year when I took SPM examination. And my Dad didn’t use his title to be addressed with from the letter.
I cried inside noticing how long ago it was. Like 26 years apart. Man, I really have lived that long. I remember that time we were already discussing which course or university to go after SPM and what degree we all are pursuing. My top choice was engineering, and second one was architecture (as I can draw very well and I loved our Art subject). Though, I didn’t pursue engineering as it was against my Dad’s will. Moving forward, I did somewhat become an engineer, only that I engineered software and I didn’t like that job. Never in my younger years would I have thought that I would become really fit and healthy in my 40s.
Boarding school experience were bittersweet for me. It’s where I learn about friendships, belongings and confidence. I think a lot of my relationship wounds were also originated here. My parents tried to be as helpful as they can and we kept in touch once a week via hacked payphones.
It’s a really sad experience whenever I feel vulnerable and in need of help and comfort, but my family is so far away, especially on weekends when families were flocking the school compounds to visit their daughters. I was quite fortunate to have some friends whose parents were kind enough to invite me to sleepover at their houses during short break so that I won’t have to sleep inside empty dorms. That again has another set of unexplainable stories. I kind of developed a survival skill to put shame aside and blend in with the families that I had stayed with. I was fortunate enough to have been linked to a distant relative (can’t remember how we met). We weren’t very close and have the most disconnected relationship ever. It was pure transactional I think and we’re just bonded over the fact that we have blood ties. However, I am so grateful now for them for taking me in with the family, picked me up from train stations, fed me and sometimes gave me money to spend. We don’t talk to each other now. May Allah continue to bless the family.
A few distinct memories, I was corresponding with a boy from KL of whom I’d been writing to since I was 10 years old I guess. He was really cute and he was my first crush. We never met though I have tried once. He didn’t show up and only a friend of his was there, it was supposed to be a double date. From there I thought I wasn’t attractive enough for him and I’m not as pretty as other girls. We connected on Facebook once. He still looked good and already married that time. Wonder how he is now.
On friendship, I became best friends with a girl from a wealthy family. Stories went around that she was flewn in to the school in a helicopter. The school was surrounded with girls from many wealthy family which made me feel so unworthy and insecure that time. I didn’t know my Dad was a big shot this time. So in my head, I was just this kampung girl from Sabah and I am not as good as others. My friend, she had many favourites and I thought I was one of them too until she discarded me for a better more rich and fashionable crowd (this was what I had thought back then which might not be true. The girls she hanged around with were her dorm mates and on some degree related to her from previous schools or same social circle outside of school). I remember she was trying to hook me up with some guy once but I was too shy and made an excuse to not join them as I needed to study. Now I think of it, maybe me not being transparent and honest with her about how I feel caused us to drift apart over the years. I dressed like her, adopted her love for fashion and perfumes but our friendship didn’t last and my thought at that time, she was only friends with me cause she wants me to help her with studies. I did develop friendship with other girls but can barely remember our bonds. Many times I wanted to quit and talked to my Dad and he often had some nice things to say to keep me motivated and be brave facing my challenges at school. I vividly remember talking about how I struggled with History classes and complaining about being bullied by seniors. Eventually I realised how talented and smart I was. Though my parents lied a bit about my caretaker background for my scholarship screening, I think I really deserved to be there.
I developed a tough persona after being friends with my marching band group. We were the percussionist team who were supposed to be the strongest and toughest of the entire marching band team. I have developed more confidence by this time having performed in an international arena and winning many band competitions. Though I had the chance, I still sucked at relating with boys and communicating with the boy I had crush with. Last time I stalked his Facebook, he has gotten fat. The only time I felt comfortable hanging out with them was when we just casually hanged and exchanging banters in between rest sessions during our practice for the SUKOM event in 1998.
And then, within the band group, I experienced sort of a weird dynamics again with a friend I was close with. It’s like within the group, when a certain loud person wasn’t around, she would hang with me, like be my bedmates and seatmates during our tours. Sometimes I was discarded, and I felt annoyed maybe? I didn’t say anything about it but acted passive aggressive instead. I don’t know if it’s common with other girls friendship. She wasn’t being loyal to me. It’s like there’s a hierarchy of people in the band you had to please or be friends with. I, then, concluded that I wasn’t a great girlfriend and I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t a good model of a woman, not feminine and etcetera.
To be honest, I didn’t like the school and the thought of my experiences there could make me cry. However, my batchmates remembered a lot of fond memories about me. It wasn’t just a good experience for me growing up to be a healthy human being. We all were stuck being who’s the richest, who’s the most popular, who’s the loudest, who’s the prettiest, who’s the smartest, who’s the most liked by teachers and so many more. Despite of all that, I would like to acknowledge the experience as a part of formation of my unique personality, intelligence, courage and confidence. I should definitely write more about my teenage experience at school to process all of my existence. By writing more, I hope I could unravel all my wounds during this time and change the story about who I was and who I am now.
As per my development plan this year, I am going to do some minor change on my bathroom appearance as the original tiles were so badly stained and getting hard to clean. I mean, I scrubbed the floor and all and the tiles especially the floor still look dirty. And then, the other day, the original bulb which is in dim yellow colour blew off. After I replaced it (yeah I change my own light bulbs) into a new one I found lying inside the house which is in day white colour, the overall look of the bathroom is so horrifying that I find it hard to use the bathroom and sleep thinking about it’s condition. Even after I gave it a good scrub, I still find it so dirty.
So after doing some research since last year, I decided to just go for it and get it all done at once. I face a bit of hiccup here when my expenses is again out of range, I have not tracked down yet how much and where I spent my money this month. But for the bathroom itself, roughly I spent about RM250 and going to be less than RM350 I hope.
I just relocated all the stuff inside temporarily and gave it a fresh paint. Even managed to detach the yellowing plastic toilet seat cover.
First round of painting, the original tilings as in the middle – these after I scrubbed the wall and floor like crazy, and the ceiling repainted. I am so gonna replace the bucket or just not use one and fix the shower instead. Reflecting back, I did so much to fix the bathroom already. First, I fixed the leaky flush tank; then I proofed the tiles and the edges of the bathroom floor so that no water leaking down to the unit below me. I changed the tap from the original one with one with bidet sprayer attached to it.
Funny thing happened when I realised that I gotta buy tape before I proceeded to paint with the blue paint to ensure no messy lines. I was automatically in my head went, okay I’ll buy it tomorrow on my way to my parents and other planning stuffs. Then I had to reassure myself, for God’s sake it only takes less than 30 minutes to walk to the shop to get them. Like now or never. I just quickly changed into a proper attire and get the tapes. It wonders me how my mind works sometimes. Ruminating over easy tasks. Anyways, I’m sure I’m not the only one like this. I often batch tasks, more efficient way of doing many things at once.
So I head home with a couple of masking tapes. I have used them before for walls. Did the usual painting deeds covering areas I didn’t want to get stained with the blue paint. After I was satisfied with the coatings, I went out and just let the paint dry. As I got home, like seriously, I immediately checked on the paint condition and started to peel off the tapes out of impatience. The white paint at the bottom peeled off together with the tape. I told myself, ok next time find proper tape don’t use masking tape again. So the ruined part I immediately covered with the blue paint. Now I have to do another round of white paint touch up again. I just want to do it proper and right and get it over and out of my head.
After! Picture at the top with tape, and picture at the bottom without tape. Still waiting for the paint to dry entirely before I start putting stuff back in. Majority of the work is done. I am feeling a bit misaligned not being able to use my bathroom as usual but it’s only temporary. It’s gonna get way better. Will follow up with other adjustments that I made with this bathroom. Now waiting for another tub of paint to arrive and some other accessories.
My presentation slides are done, I considered previous feedbacks and kind of just wing it for my mock presentation today. My supervisors don’t know who are going to be my examiners so we tried to be as prepared as we could.
At first go, my presentation was 30 minutes which was so over the top from 20 minutes time cap. I thought I had plenty of time. Each three of us has our own concerns and on what to be prepared, what to do and what not to do. I was at first annoyed at my supervisor, I don’t know maybe she already was busy or concerned about something that I felt some of her suggestions were unnecessary and out of line. I respectfully counter (maybe next I would thank her first, not only her, but anyone for offering feedback) and defended why I did certain things and why some stuffs are necessary, and stated what kind of suggestions that would be helpful for me. But yeah, these happen a lot between us, but eventually we all settled down and things worked out between us. I like that my supervisors and myself can be truthful to one another without judgement, and that they gave me the freedom to stick to my style but with necessary adjustments.
After I finished my presentation, we hanged for a bit chitchat and they started to ask how I was, how’s my work and all. I just told them straight how exhausted I am and my nervous system starts to get dysregulated again. But I guess they didn’t understand how dire it was for me. Nevermind, at least they were concerned enough to ask. My supervisors were so kind and supportive as how a lecturer would normally would be.
One of them expressed her observation that I am happy with my job. Happy, maybe, contentment no. I feel like I have not actualised what I have to offer the world and for myself. I have not reached my full potential yet. I guess that’s what my dad is feeling about me as well. Most times, he’s not belittling me nor looking at me as an incompetent person. He just sees so much potential in me. Maybe he’s upset that I keep wasting them away. Maybe he wasn’t controlling me back then, he just wanted to steer me towards the direction that he felt a much safer route. I will reach my full potential, as that’s my aspiration as well, but this time, on my own terms. So yeah, don’t you worry Dad!
Back to viva, there are still plenty of things to do. Redo some sections of the slides, make it looks more professional, find a little bit of evidence, and practice my timing. I am just so mentally exhausted after this morning’s session. I am going to have lunch, have my nap and set my new course of actions. Thankful for today’s time with my supervisors. May Allah ease my next journey.
