I just want to write this out on something that I still don’t know how to deal with. I really am happy with my life, though it’s not quite can be sustainable for the long run – I positively believe I could thrive if I just stay on my track and be consistent. However, this current version of me, is not the version of myself that my family know of. I don’t know what happened to my family – they are so enmeshed and can’t see that it’s really not helping in personal growth of their own. I don’t care if that’s what they want for themselves; you, do you – certainly, those really are not my values. I sensed that my family noticed the growing gap between us, thus, trying to pull myself back in – sometimes forcefully.
I am triggered when I have been asked to perform umrah with my family members, like, for more than three times already despite of me declining to go. I mean, it’s a good thing – but I am not spiritually there yet. Maybe I am scared that my family would want me to change myself again to be more like them. My family has never been respectful of one’s individuality. I honestly really hate them for this. Maybe I am scared too that some things in my life have to change after. I know how manipulative my mother can be. It still upsets me when I think of what she did and the rest of the family that caused me to lose my identity and myself growing up. I never knew a different version of myself except to be an obedient and subservient daughter, granddaughter and sister. I really don’t want to be that person again.
Anyways, I just agreed to them that I would go. Probably there would be something good that would come out of it. I have never been to Saudi too. I don’t have the whole picture yet on how it is going to turn out for me. See how our dynamics are, if they want to push me around again like they used to – I gotta straighten them up. My best strategy now, is to leave everything up to Allah – Allah knows what’s in my heart and what’s best for me. Trust that everything will be okay and that I can block and handle my family’s manipulation. Allah will protect me as always.