My presentation slides are done, I considered previous feedbacks and kind of just wing it for my mock presentation today. My supervisors don’t know who are going to be my examiners so we tried to be as prepared as we could.
At first go, my presentation was 30 minutes which was so over the top from 20 minutes time cap. I thought I had plenty of time. Each three of us has our own concerns and on what to be prepared, what to do and what not to do. I was at first annoyed at my supervisor, I don’t know maybe she already was busy or concerned about something that I felt some of her suggestions were unnecessary and out of line. I respectfully counter (maybe next I would thank her first, not only her, but anyone for offering feedback) and defended why I did certain things and why some stuffs are necessary, and stated what kind of suggestions that would be helpful for me. But yeah, these happen a lot between us, but eventually we all settled down and things worked out between us. I like that my supervisors and myself can be truthful to one another without judgement, and that they gave me the freedom to stick to my style but with necessary adjustments.
After I finished my presentation, we hanged for a bit chitchat and they started to ask how I was, how’s my work and all. I just told them straight how exhausted I am and my nervous system starts to get dysregulated again. But I guess they didn’t understand how dire it was for me. Nevermind, at least they were concerned enough to ask. My supervisors were so kind and supportive as how a lecturer would normally would be.
One of them expressed her observation that I am happy with my job. Happy, maybe, contentment no. I feel like I have not actualised what I have to offer the world and for myself. I have not reached my full potential yet. I guess that’s what my dad is feeling about me as well. Most times, he’s not belittling me nor looking at me as an incompetent person. He just sees so much potential in me. Maybe he’s upset that I keep wasting them away. Maybe he wasn’t controlling me back then, he just wanted to steer me towards the direction that he felt a much safer route. I will reach my full potential, as that’s my aspiration as well, but this time, on my own terms. So yeah, don’t you worry Dad!
Back to viva, there are still plenty of things to do. Redo some sections of the slides, make it looks more professional, find a little bit of evidence, and practice my timing. I am just so mentally exhausted after this morning’s session. I am going to have lunch, have my nap and set my new course of actions. Thankful for today’s time with my supervisors. May Allah ease my next journey.