Virtually Nurul – { Research | Fitness | Designs } by Nurul

Tag: reflection

  • Hypersensitivity

    I can’t remember what inspired me to look it up, just out of the blue, this morning, I was curious if I am a hypersensitive person. When I looked up some articles, it somewhat rang true. It’s not a defect, it is just a trait. It, then, made sense why I feel so much. Why I don’t like being rushed. Why I need alone time to decompress and a lot more.

    Then, it occurred to me, he might be a hypersensitive person as well. That’s why we understand each other. But I suspect he is more sensitive than I am. If that is the case, that really sucks from his end. I mean, I feel deeply. It already feels like there is a storm inside me. I don’t know how it likes with him. Seriously, if we ever get in touch again, I would like to talk about this with him. I know he is a sensitive man. But it was like, “Oh he gets the little details”. Being hypersensitive is more than that.

    It’s a new potential answer on why am I feeling so unsettled all the time except when I sleep. In silence, there is so much noise inside. Like there are 10 people meeting and discussing whatever. Now that I am used to sit down and processing my feelings, the noise has reduced a lot. I knew deep inside that I am built differently than others. It is not I am special or gifted or something. It’s how I feel things, how I think and how I processed what’s going on outside or inside of me. This also explains why I am so easily worked up when inconvenience presents itself. I don’t remember much how I was when I was a kid. From what I remember, I have quite a tantrum last time and my mom never say ‘No’ to me. It’s quite a surprise really, of how I managed to learn taming that intensity away. But the drawback is that, though I appear calm outside, I really felt turbulent inside.

    In a way, I feel blessed with this sensitivity. I feel things. I am irreplaceable. No one can relate the way I relate with people if I really open myself up. But I am also worried if it’s going to be no good for me. Good news is, if I ever want to experience deep fulfilling love again, the sensitive type (but emotionally mature) is the kind of person that I would want to be with.

  • Vulnerable

    This track accompanied me at my most vulnerable moment where I needed to be strong and courageous. Mixed emotions. In the midst of dealing with pain from heartbreak, soldier through with the need to rest and work and feeling fear of my safety travelling alone. It’s like, survival mode 100% – no time to feel my feelings, due to the tight schedule with me dealing with my data collection work, coordinating with agencies and with enumerators. I didn’t feel like a human being at that time. On the night bus to Kunak, I feel especially weak and sad, finally feeling through my feelings in the dark. I cried only a little, but that’s okay. This song helped me to feel my humanness and the meaning of existing in this world.

    Just watched the videoclip. I don’t remember having seen it before. Kind of creepy, but really tells us we can’t turn back time. Only way is forward, and before we know it, we are leaving this planet; and that death is the only way to return. There really is no time that should be wasted.

    Return to Innocence

    Love
    Devotion
    Feeling
    Emotion

    Don’t be afraid to be weak
    Don’t be too proud to be strong
    Just look into your heart my friend
    That will be the return to yourself
    The return to innocence

    The return to innocence

    And if you want, then start to laugh
    If you must, then start to cry
    Be yourself don’t hide
    Just believe in destiny

    Don’t care what people say
    Just follow your own way
    Don’t give up and use the chance
    To return to innocence

    That’s not the beginning of the end
    That’s the return to yourself
    The return to innocence

    That’s return to innocence

  • Hello, What’s on My Mind?

    I’m feeling rather anxious right now. So many thoughts that I am processing? Maybe it’s time to stay away from social media and being so connected for awhile.

    Thoughts that trigger me from social media today:

    • I almost accidentally Liked a post of someone I didn’t follow (like sudden huge rush settling in). I didn’t check if I did though. But, I just want to think like this, if it happened, it was meant to!
    • And then, I was checking out a story from a therapist account saying that she needs to meditate more today cause so many things to get done and she wanted to sort her ‘anxies’ out. What a cute term for anxiety. So I thought, huh, anxieties are normal – I am not unwell, I was just around the wrong people and made wrong choices that generated my anxieties. Seriously, that was kind of a wake up call to me and the strategies to reduce anxieties are actually commonly practiced. It is just uncommon in my social circle.
    • I saw a post by someone I don’t know at all – not my acquaintance, like the way she presented herself was exactly like someone I knew (me!). I started to judge on how fake she was being and wrote a series of Stories on my Instagram to address how I feel about people like her. I still can’t figure out why it triggers me so much. Maybe because my ‘Fixer’ instinct is triggered to correct her and the rest of the world.
    • Things led to another, I wrote how I was working on learning self-awareness and on what are the things that nurture and hurt me, I began to think, maybe I should list that out. Yes, I definitely will.
    • Loneliness crept in, these few weeks I was noticing loud and clear on why whenever I feel vulnerable and need rescuing from my feelings, I will be reminded of him. If it’s wrong wanting my man to be my hero – I think that’s natural as a woman. I am still confused if my needs are too much or is there any method to balance this out. I definitely could sort my stuff out, but if I am coupled, I want my man to soothe me and make me feel everything is going to be fine.
    • Another post on relationship – on instead of thinking how I have lost on a good thing, I could reframe my thinking into – I dodged a bullet. Maybe he was right, though my gut is saying something else. Will I be able to fully trust my intuition? Only God knows.
    • I actually Googled how to not be jealous with married people. I want to be married when I found the right man. None of the advises or recommendations made me feel better. It’s not my time yet.
    • So the anxieties stem largely from financial insecurity – I wanted to participate in a competition in KL in October to celebrate my birthday. I think I could figure out on how to pay for those. Then again, I just remembered that I planned to go to Imbak Canyon with a friend also in October. Financially, I definitely can’t. I had to pick one of those. I really want to go compete though. I will reschedule Imbak trip, I hope my friend would be OK with it. And then, the stocks I bought aren’t performing well and I’m making a bit of loss. Maybe I should organise my investment and financial goals now that I know more tools available to grow my money.
    • Another thing that stresses me out today is on the data analysis work that I should be doing today. I have plenty of time, I’ll do it after dumping all of it here.
    • My Reyllen gears whereabout updates are not changing from the post tracker. So I have no idea when will I get them.
    • I have to cook my lunch today because I am really craving to each proper meal with rice today. But I am really lazy to wash and keep everything away.

    Out of 10, 7 of the list can be avoided if I don’t spend too much time on Internet and social media. I don’t know, I just need a break from work and training and studies. God, I want to pamper myself so much today because Tuesdays are chill days. I will spend some time for work for 2 hours and for myself for the rest of it.

    Good things that I did today:

    • During my free HPV injection today, a girl asked about what we were queueing for, and I explained to her that it’s a free HPV injection drive. She left after that. But came back to queue and got her injection after mine.
    • I managed to hang dry clean laundry that was done two days ago.
    • Did the whole athletes WOD after training today. Nice to have someone to train with me till finish. I lifted 46kg for split jerk today. I think my PR has increased from 50kg.
    • Foam roll my back, it hurt so much. So it was great that I did that.
    • The post I did on Instagram was good I think. I am going to rewrite them in a post on this website.
    • Realising that I have so much to be grateful for. My siblings, got to see my dad after a few days, received help from my brother. Cute nieces and nephews. Grateful that my grandmother is still alive and healthy. I have a place to go to if I need to sleep or eat in between work and appointments. My car, though sometimes being unknowingly crazy, is still up and running. And I still have money to spend for fuel or for food. I have all the tools to make things happen.

    So I think of my insecurities a lot. It’s hard for me to focus on what I need to do sometimes. I am on the right track and I will not mess things up. I have everything within me to make it happen. I have to trust it and trust that Allah has the best interest in me all the time. Let go of the control. Let go of uncertainties. Be fluid and focus on moving forward with grace, not by force and by doing things that hurt myself.

  • Nothing is Wrong with Wanting the Best for Myself

    It’s almost midnight. I have almost finished my chores for today except for continuing my data analysis. I’m feeling a bit tired and sleepy for that. Plus I haven’t showered, and I wanted to have a good clean hair wash today.

    The day started quite okay, then at noon bumped into familiar people and everyone’s like so nice today. I am a bit anxious by midday after calculating my finances, how much should I invest, spend and use to pay debts. I am left with just enough to pay for my fuel.

    Prepped what I needed for my meals next week, made my yogurt, roasted chicken breasts, cut a whole papaya fruit for my snacks and dinners. And managed to clean up all the mess. My goal now is to avoid delaying doing things. So it’s kind of tiring at times cause I would like to relax a bit and not getting worked up with unwashed dishes unprocessed bills and stuff. Had nice meals overall today and I’m ready to face the week!

    Sorted my balcony garden, and ordered some orchids and fertilisers pesticides stuffs for repotting later. My orchids have grown double their sizes now. I can’t wait to see spikes coming out and for them to keep growing.

    One idea I have been toying around with is to cultivate my food garden indoor because I don’t want my plants to be destroyed by the rats outside. Probably I should get some grow lights first and think of how to improve airflow inside the house. Totally need to write it down. I also next need to redo the flooring at the main room. Probably best if I move there to sleep and stuff and use my current bedroom for gardening as it has better lighting (but can be really hot too). And then I would like to add another layer of curtains like 2 feet inwards from the main window so that I can let some sunlight in without getting too much sun (double protection). So much to do, the house is still in much clutter but it’s still organised.

    Doing the whole thing is really non-stimulating, I started to get bored and in need to escape. I played some games, updated my Instagram account. Oh yeah, I have yet to write about my data collection journey. And then looking at one post I did a while a go when I did my data collection in Kudat – that was the last post when we were still talking. Mixed feeling came rushing in. I missed him so much. The last time we met was in June. He blocked me dead for a month plus already. Sometimes I feel guilty for being such a confronting bitch, but I have the right to express myself and asking for what I want and what I need. I don’t know how he’s doing. Deep inside, I feel that this might be it. Maybe it’s the best time, it’s gonna end anyway so might as well I feel all the hurt and detach now rather than later. Yeah, almost 5 years of friendship and love gone down the drain.

    I will meet the man of my dreams, and live a fulfilling life with the love of my life. I am proud of the woman that I am now and I will achieve what I needed to function at my best for me and for my purpose whatever that is in the future. I will get a new car to drive next year, and my income will reach within what I have targeted. Allah will help me if my intention is pure. I just need to stay calm and stay on my lane. It’s gonna work out.

    There is nothing wrong with me. I just stepped out of my old programming and just happens some people are not okay with it. Just look forward with my head held high and get on with life like I always do. I am going to be good.

  • End of Data Collection

    Today I have started to update my thesis draft on sampling and really articulating my method. I panicked a little when I found some references using 385 as minimum sample (by Cochran’s formula). Then again, after looking elsewhere, if I have 350 sample, that would be enough. If referring to cultivation land areas, I have just enough data but that’s ok. I am happy where I am at now.

    So relieved and I am actually looking forward to do random sampling and do my actual analysis. Other than structural model analysis, I gotta find out how to calculate the technological readiness index (TRI) as well as reporting cluster by cluster.

    I feel slightly sad that my data collection is over now. I actually enjoyed doing it and met with so many people out of my usual social circle. It’s a mixed feeling but in my gut I feel that I’m going to be here for a while. It’s like there’s unfinished business for me and the community. I feel like my life has more purpose now.

    I hope the data analysis reveals a lot more than what I initially found. I am just feeling content. Would like to write more later about my data collection adventure!

  • Learning about the East Coast People

    Having mingled with different cultures from different districts within the east coast side of Sabah since last week has opened my eyes to the livelihood and the ways of the society here. I learnt new things about the borders, the mix of ethnicities of each district, the way they built their houses and their passion for their community. I thought I have had it figured out already, then again, after today’s experience on the bus I took travelling from Tawau and Sandakan has somewhat given me more clues on what entails the people at the east coast at large.

    During my trip today, I sat next to an aunt, she’s like so restless and unsettled. At first, I didn’t want to bother talking to her. Just exchanged short remarks when she needed my response or asking for something. Then, after lunch time, we began to chat. We chatted all the way from Silam Lahad Datu up until we both arrived at the bus terminal in Sandakan. That was like 3 hours and more of conversation. I have never talked with someone that long before. I guess, we were kind of stuck next to each other and just talk. The guy next to me, on the other aisle of seat, I suspect, was eavesdropping on us.

    The aunt came back to Sabah to visit her sick mother after 13 years of being away. Midway through our conversation, she mentioned about having moved different districts and talked about base camp, I was like, “Were you in the army?”. I tried so hard not to laugh. And then, she began to recall on her youth and childhood growing up in the east, about her family, her family home, her sibling – it was so similar to him. I was like, what are the odds, right? I was supposed to board on a different bus, but decided against and was seated next to her. God must be telling me something. What I noticed about these guys in the army, they are great conversationalist. They are very bright, easygoing and dedicated people – maybe they have to be like that since they meet and work with so many people within their organisation. I don’t know yet what this is all about if I want to be paranoid and overthink – maybe because I dreamt of him last night and we were ok in my dream, and I missed him so much.

    Anyways, it was so interesting – it’s like having a guided tour on a bus while we pass by the road from Lahad Datu to Kinabatangan up to Sandakan. Then she proceeded to show me the houses of the relatives of her ex-husband. She earlier showed the old routes leading to mechanical towing bridge that were used in the 80s and some up to the 90s. Development came to east coast quite very much later than the west. It’s like, we are a generation apart in terms of modernisation and change of lifestyle. Looking at all the palm oil estates, I couldn’t help but wonder how it felt for him to stay and work in one of those. One information that really caught my attention was about how the Madai Cave bird’s nest can only be harvested by Idahan people, and the characters of an Idahan man. I searched about it on Google, I was so mindblown how interconnected they are with the caves along the east coast. I must go some time to visit these caves and find out more. Idahan people are one of the earliest civilised tribe in Sabah. I have never known any one of them. I would be interested to date one of them in the future.

    It just felt so different today, I felt like I was so interconnected with the aunt, we talked as if we have known each other for a long time. Just the same vibe I had with him, and some other men I’ve known from the navy base. It could be because we all left our homes from a very young age. We missed out on growing up like other people in the comfort of our homes and community – while us, we had to fend for ourselves and ignore what’s true to us until the struggle is over and it’s time to go home. Maybe Allah wants to show me that we were both traumatised beings and what we had, me and himself, while it’s healing to both of us, was just a typical dynamics if I have met other people with similar trauma and that it was not that special at all. Don’t know if that’s the case, but to have written this long about the conversation on the bus with that aunty, it truly was a significant moment for me. Thank you Allah for this feeling and for today’s discovery.

  • Lifestyle Polarity

    Halfway in Week 2 of my data collection processes. It has been so draining mentally and physically (and financially), but oddly enough so fulfilling to my soul.

    I mingled with farmers and all from various districts, and like, so jealous of them. They don’t earn much, but they looked as if they’re pretty fulfilled with their life. Maybe from the outside. But I could feel and see how great the power of community in front of my eyes. It was something my late grandpa lived for. Live in kampung and be together with his community. Unlike me, it’s like always looking out for something, for what? Maybe I’m looking for validation that I’m a valuable person.

    I feel like a fake person, so engrossed with social media and my little bubble of self-preservation against I don’t know what real threats I could be facing. I am so connected to many people in such a short time. Almost all of the respondents earn just slightly more or less than I am, yet they survive, built a family and work in the farm as usual. I wonder what makes them so strong. Why am I so different than they are?

    I thought to myself, maybe cause I have lived abroad and experienced the best of both worlds. I have an overall idea how to get ahead in life. Why do I need to be ‘ahead’ though. What’s wrong with me right NOW? I am so thankful for my parents hard work to raise my siblings and I, but to me, they didn’t emphasis so much on what it means to be human and be a part of a community.

    This whole experience is so humbling to me and make me want to reassess how I live my life, my values and priorities. I already have what I need to lead a meaningful life. I don’t need much. I just need to do what is right for me and what makes me happy with the people or my community around me.

    I am just so grateful of this journey. It just has opened up my eyes to so many things about life. My worries are too small (but need to address) compared to the farmers that I have met. Despite of all the lackings in their lives, they still survive and are doing well. I would be OK too. Thank you Allah.

  • Sometimes I Forgot to Draw or Find the Line

    Recently I have been asked to help with the family business to build on my dad’s vision again and with my sister-in-law’s business.

    I liked the idea and decided to help out. As we went along with the plan and I brought things to speed up, suddenly I got sabotaged again. My reputation on the line.

    Brought my brother to view on some stuffs on a gym which I knew the owners agreed to things – and then these two are playing games with me or us. The gym owner seemed so desperate to get the cash in despite of my assurance. I, for one hand felt as if my words and integrity have no value. And when I communicate to my brother, he has now changed his mind. This of course jeopardises my credibility with other people that I have promised stuffs. Relating to past event, I felt triggered that it’s gonna be like that all over again.

    I decided to do nothing until I have my thinking right. But it is clear now, the way my brother or my dad sees my role is the same as it was. I must draw the line and not fall into the same scenario again. My life is going so well now. Don’t sacrifice everything for them. Don’t give them the power to hold my lifeline again.

    I must communicate with them. I am just going to consult but if this is the way they are, not following the plan that I worked hard for – I am just not going to waste my time executing it. You want to do it your way, it’s your call, but I’m not gonna be involved.

    Damn it – I really should withdraw my name from all the companies. They don’t bring me happiness and I don’t in any way want to be involved in it.

    Main lesson here, always trust my gut feeling about a person. If they make me feel desperate – they are outright manipulative and just move on find someone else to work with. People don’t really change and don’t torture yourself working with people who are not compatible with you. There is always a choice.

    May Allah guides and provides me with sufficient wealth to live happily and meaningfully for as long as He permits.

  • Some More Real Life Update As At June 2024

    So April had been a real stressful month for me. So was May. Everything just went real fast that I rarely had time to breathe and reflect on my progress as far. So many incidents in between, really, both good and bad.

    • Relationship-wise I am feeling more secure, but the future remains unclear
    • Work-wise, I am getting better and more confident with my path here in fitness
    • Data collection had been a mess, it went out of hand and I got super stressed on this one
    • Issues with my student status and tuition fees, and stressed out with the possibility that I may need to extend my studies for a bit. This was resolved and I have accepted my limit.
    • I improved a lot at CrossFit, nailed RX wall walk, rope climb, did my first kipping pull up for real and got the courage to lift real heavy – 100kg deadlift, close to 60kg power cleans. My relationship with the community improved as well.
    • I had a hard long look at my finances and taken an interest in stock trading. Wish I had done it sooner, but still not too late. It’s time for me to slowly upgrade my life.
    • Car issues a couple of times, mechanic negligence! I really had enough and will not go see the mechanic again. Enough of paying for BS service!
    • Finally had a haircut!
    • Finally organised and resumed my painting
    • Reorganise my garden! And cleaned the main room which I had put off to do for months.
    • I had my first panic attack (the scariest thing ever) and been diagnosed with anxiety. Went to see therapist for a bit, it was nice.
    • I just held on to my boundaries with people (except with the boyfriend) which makes me feel powerful and relaxed – issues at the gym sorted!
    • Entrusted to run a group training service which is close to running my own gym
    • Had the best Teacher’s Day surprise celebration ever. Didn’t know I am valued that much. So much love!
    • Taken up new challenge to run my own gym with the family business. May Allah ease.
    • I feel that my relationship with my family has improved as well which relieves the heavy weights that I have been feeling. Though, they still trigger me, I am learning to challenge my catastrophic thinking whenever they ask of something from me.

    After the tumultuous months of uncertainties, I feel that June is when I had more control with my path and life. May it be time for me to thrive – and stay steadfast and be prepared enough for whatever that may come.

  • Al-fatihah to Arwah Mama – Hjh Saadiah Johari

    I was so shocked to receive the news about mama’s passing. I just met her yesterday warded in hospital with family. In her frail condition, she was all well and looked happy. She was one of my favourite aunt. I feel sad but it does not do anything inside me for now. I rarely met her, the last time was during raya a few months back. Even then, she already was bedridden. Didn’t know her condition was gonna escalate further. Lots of fond memories with her as though she was old, she was one of the coolest aunt. I used to sleep over at her house to play with my cousins when I was a kid. And then, during transition after graduating in my 20s when we were taking care for my late grandmother. Afterwards, when I used to sleepover to finish my clothes orders borrowing their sewing machines.

    My dad sure is so sad of her demise after the passing of his mother and brother a few years earlier. It just kind of pulled me to my senses that I should not take the elderly for granted. My parents, my grandmother, siblings and family. Family is everything, regardless of they play a significant role or not in my life. The memories, of my existence, all were surrounded with family in different phase of life. At some point, they were caretakers, comforters, nurturers, protectors and a lot more that made the past so beautiful, though temporary.

    Mama was a strong woman, cheerful, great and loving grandmother loved by many. When she was younger, I thought, she was so smart and pretty because she worked in a bank. All my prayers to her soul and the family she left behind. May Allah bless her soul. It is humbling me – as I am so busy chasing to live up to my ideal worldly life. Life is so fragile. We don’t know what is going to happen to us next. Death is certain. I pray that Allah guide me so that I am all well-prepared to leave this world when it is time. Not only to make sure that I live my life to its fullest meaning, but also leaving a legacy, continued blessings to others; as well as fulfilling my duty as a servant of Allah. From Allah we come, and to Allah will we return.