Tag: reflection

  • Sometimes I Forgot to Draw or Find the Line

    Recently I have been asked to help with the family business to build on my dad’s vision again and with my sister-in-law’s business.

    I liked the idea and decided to help out. As we went along with the plan and I brought things to speed up, suddenly I got sabotaged again. My reputation on the line.

    Brought my brother to view on some stuffs on a gym which I knew the owners agreed to things – and then these two are playing games with me or us. The gym owner seemed so desperate to get the cash in despite of my assurance. I, for one hand felt as if my words and integrity have no value. And when I communicate to my brother, he has now changed his mind. This of course jeopardises my credibility with other people that I have promised stuffs. Relating to past event, I felt triggered that it’s gonna be like that all over again.

    I decided to do nothing until I have my thinking right. But it is clear now, the way my brother or my dad sees my role is the same as it was. I must draw the line and not fall into the same scenario again. My life is going so well now. Don’t sacrifice everything for them. Don’t give them the power to hold my lifeline again.

    I must communicate with them. I am just going to consult but if this is the way they are, not following the plan that I worked hard for – I am just not going to waste my time executing it. You want to do it your way, it’s your call, but I’m not gonna be involved.

    Damn it – I really should withdraw my name from all the companies. They don’t bring me happiness and I don’t in any way want to be involved in it.

    Main lesson here, always trust my gut feeling about a person. If they make me feel desperate – they are outright manipulative and just move on find someone else to work with. People don’t really change and don’t torture yourself working with people who are not compatible with you. There is always a choice.

    May Allah guides and provides me with sufficient wealth to live happily and meaningfully for as long as He permits.

  • Some More Real Life Update As At June 2024

    So April had been a real stressful month for me. So was May. Everything just went real fast that I rarely had time to breathe and reflect on my progress as far. So many incidents in between, really, both good and bad.

    • Relationship-wise I am feeling more secure, but the future remains unclear
    • Work-wise, I am getting better and more confident with my path here in fitness
    • Data collection had been a mess, it went out of hand and I got super stressed on this one
    • Issues with my student status and tuition fees, and stressed out with the possibility that I may need to extend my studies for a bit. This was resolved and I have accepted my limit.
    • I improved a lot at CrossFit, nailed RX wall walk, rope climb, did my first kipping pull up for real and got the courage to lift real heavy – 100kg deadlift, close to 60kg power cleans. My relationship with the community improved as well.
    • I had a hard long look at my finances and taken an interest in stock trading. Wish I had done it sooner, but still not too late. It’s time for me to slowly upgrade my life.
    • Car issues a couple of times, mechanic negligence! I really had enough and will not go see the mechanic again. Enough of paying for BS service!
    • Finally had a haircut!
    • Finally organised and resumed my painting
    • Reorganise my garden! And cleaned the main room which I had put off to do for months.
    • I had my first panic attack (the scariest thing ever) and been diagnosed with anxiety. Went to see therapist for a bit, it was nice.
    • I just held on to my boundaries with people (except with the boyfriend) which makes me feel powerful and relaxed – issues at the gym sorted!
    • Entrusted to run a group training service which is close to running my own gym
    • Had the best Teacher’s Day surprise celebration ever. Didn’t know I am valued that much. So much love!
    • Taken up new challenge to run my own gym with the family business. May Allah ease.
    • I feel that my relationship with my family has improved as well which relieves the heavy weights that I have been feeling. Though, they still trigger me, I am learning to challenge my catastrophic thinking whenever they ask of something from me.

    After the tumultuous months of uncertainties, I feel that June is when I had more control with my path and life. May it be time for me to thrive – and stay steadfast and be prepared enough for whatever that may come.

  • Al-fatihah to Arwah Mama – Hjh Saadiah Johari

    I was so shocked to receive the news about mama’s passing. I just met her yesterday warded in hospital with family. In her frail condition, she was all well and looked happy. She was one of my favourite aunt. I feel sad but it does not do anything inside me for now. I rarely met her, the last time was during raya a few months back. Even then, she already was bedridden. Didn’t know her condition was gonna escalate further. Lots of fond memories with her as though she was old, she was one of the coolest aunt. I used to sleep over at her house to play with my cousins when I was a kid. And then, during transition after graduating in my 20s when we were taking care for my late grandmother. Afterwards, when I used to sleepover to finish my clothes orders borrowing their sewing machines.

    My dad sure is so sad of her demise after the passing of his mother and brother a few years earlier. It just kind of pulled me to my senses that I should not take the elderly for granted. My parents, my grandmother, siblings and family. Family is everything, regardless of they play a significant role or not in my life. The memories, of my existence, all were surrounded with family in different phase of life. At some point, they were caretakers, comforters, nurturers, protectors and a lot more that made the past so beautiful, though temporary.

    Mama was a strong woman, cheerful, great and loving grandmother loved by many. When she was younger, I thought, she was so smart and pretty because she worked in a bank. All my prayers to her soul and the family she left behind. May Allah bless her soul. It is humbling me – as I am so busy chasing to live up to my ideal worldly life. Life is so fragile. We don’t know what is going to happen to us next. Death is certain. I pray that Allah guide me so that I am all well-prepared to leave this world when it is time. Not only to make sure that I live my life to its fullest meaning, but also leaving a legacy, continued blessings to others; as well as fulfilling my duty as a servant of Allah. From Allah we come, and to Allah will we return.

  • How Did I Go After 1 Year Working in Fitness Industry as Fulltime Fitness Professional

    This week is the second week that I work and teach almost full schedule again after fasting month – and first week in with full CrossFit training on. My body is adjusting to it. The feeling is so messy and uncomfortable. I feel stressed all the time coupled with feeling fatigue, anxiety on ongoing data collection tasks as well as the hot weather condition. Next month, I am adding another class on top of my existing ones. All these classes need reviewing sooner or later. Sometimes, I feel that I could not sustain this kind of intensity day in day out for a long time. Then again, there are more instructors doing way more classes than me. I got to figure out how to take care of myself better.

    I am so grateful for being able to teach fitness classes. It is one of the times that I do feel like myself and I could share my full authenticity with those who attended mine. It has not been so rewarding financially yet, but experiencing things like witnessing a fitness transformation of someone that I play a part of is so satisfying. I have never been happier at my work than ever before. I have progressed from teaching 2-3 classes a week into potentially up to 11 classes a week if I don’t have to cover for anyone else. I also look different, way better, more defined and muscular (the weight has not changed much). It is safe to say, I really like the way I am physically and never have felt better before. However, the fatigue that comes with it is so real, it really affects my life and overall daily functioning. I need more time for self-care like doing nothing, be alone and away from people (I meet people everyday), sleep and do self-audit like right now. It is the first week that I have been able to do this. I am not frustrated, just feeling a tad bit out of alignment.

    My daily routine starts with getting up early at 5.00am if I am going to train or 6.45am to get ready for morning class. If there is no class, I would usually be at home by 9.00am, recover and get extra sleep for 2 hours. If there is class, I would be at home by 12pm earliest. I would do whatever to recover, whether eat or sleep before 2.30pm. Normally, my body would settle down and is OK to function at 3pm onwards. This is when I do other things that require thinking and calling people – those that are not fitness related. Then, by 4.30pm I would get ready to get to 5.30pm class, and usually stays out until 9.30pm earliest to reach home. I got a wee bit hours after that to relax and get in tune with myself before going to bed usually by 11.30pm or 12am-ish. My typical sleep would be 3-4 hours maximum. So, this is me with this non-optimal, consistently in pain and fatigue body. Something has to be done, otherwise, I would not progress and just stay in this cycle of agony.

    Today, I actually was researching about my nutrition for hours, almost half of the day – looking for the most cost-effective way to stay nourished and hit my micronutrients so that I could function better. It was really crazy, I have never worry about what I eat before. Now it’s like, how could I hit 165g of protein daily? What are my options? Real food? Whey? BCAAs? What are the costs involved? At first I thought to myself, why was I spending so much time trying to solve this. Now it occurred to me, if I don’t change the way I eat, it will affect my job and my ability to function according to my values. It is the core, if I am not healthy and fit to teach and role model, there goes my salary. And I might not be able to progress at my CrossFit training as my body is almost always in pain after training. Creating balance with planning my nutrition intake with real food and supplement with restrained budget can be really frustrating. Maybe it is that hard, I need detailed planning and survey my options. I, for sure, am not alone facing this kind of issue.

    Currently I am taking whey proteins as supplements. However, I feel that it affects my mood so much and I am consistently feeling inflamed and hot inside. That really bothers me, and my body, too, does not recover as quickly as I have expected it to. Probably I need more BCAAs (recommended intake 4-20g daily) and could use real food to fulfill my protein intake. So that is about 130-150g of protein spread out throughout the day – probably I could do something like 25g, 30g, 30g, 45g, 20g. What is left now, is to determine what menu to have depending on budget and my choice of food. Option 2, should I continue with whey protein (the hormonal effect I really diss, but let’s see for another month if it is going to become better); I could opt for 2 daily servings (50g), and then the 110g spread out in 4 meals so it could look like this – 20g, 30g, 30g, 30g. Looks achievable. My daily caloric intake could be around 2400-2600kcal, so there’s a lot of room for variety.

    Next strategy, is to research potential high protein sources from food that is available to me and within my budget. I am looking for chicken, black beans, eggs, cheese, yogurt and tuna as my source of protein. What meals that could come out of this, I am still figuring out. My monthly expense for food normally goes around RM200-350 (this was before whey protein, and I was still undernourished). Good whey protein costs about RM250 a month, BCAAs around RM60-RM90 depending on the amount gram per tablet. I am really skewing towards BCAA for the cost and also for functionality as it is the speedy and effective muscle recovery that I am looking for. Whey protein has BCAAs too and I could potentially consume up to 20g of them daily. I can’t know for sure how my body feels until I go through and feel it. Cost-wise, with BCAA, I have got to buy more quality food. With whey, less food and I have to be selective with what I am going to buy. I have just ordered another month supply of whey protein. In June, I would start with this BCAA strategy. The most important thing now, what should I buy for groceries to cater for 110g of protein daily while not neglecting other nutrition needs like vitamins and minerals.

    Getting in tune with my body and ensuring that I take care of it is definitely a process. My body is just so strained and stressed as I teach and train for about 4-5 hours daily. Theoretically, I know what had to be done. Practicing it is another struggle. I am determined to nail this and be good at it so that I will feel more confident when offering general meal suggestions towards my clients; and ultimately for my own well-being.

  • Healing with Cory Muscara

    Happy Friday! I am feeling so sluggish and a bit of anxious today. Some stuffs are bothering me right now. Mainly financial, and then I worry for my safety caused by car issue and another thing is about how I am not eating and sleeping enough to sustain my lifestyle training and working in fitness. Other than that, things are pretty rosy (and challenging). Today, I came across a post by Cory Muscara on Instagram (@corymuscara) on his lessons after 6-months meditating and living like monks. I am so glad I have found it, convinced me a lot that I have healed a lot and I am just getting better. Here are the things that he shared:

    1. Find your true self is an act of love. Expressing it is an act of rebellion.
    2. A sign of growth is having more tolerance for discomfort. But it’s also having less tolerance for bullshit.
    3. Who you are is not your fault, but it is your responsibility.
    4. Desires that arise in agitation are more aligned with your ego. Desires that arise in stillness are more aligned with your soul.
    5. Procrastination is the refusal or inability to be with difficult emotions.
    6. The moment before letting go is often when we grip the hardest.
    7. You don’t find your ground by looking for stability. You find your ground by relaxing into instability.
    8. What you hate most in others is usually what you hate most in yourself.
    9. The biggest life hack is becoming your own best friend. Everything is easier when you do.
    10. The more comfortable you become in your own skin, the less you need to manufacture the world around you for comfort.
    11. An interesting thing happens when you start to like yourself. You no longer need all the things you thought you needed to be happy.
    12. If you don’t train your mind to appreciate what is good, you’ll continue to look for something better in the future, even when things are great.
    13. The belief that there is some future moment more worth our presence than the one we’re in right now is why we miss our lives.
    14. There is no set conditions that leads to lasting happiness. Lasting happiness doesn’t come from conditions, but from learning to flow with conditions.
    15. We often need to get out of alignment with the rest of the world to get back into alignment with ourselves.
    16. Real confidence looks like humility. You no longer need to advertise your value because it comes from a place that does not require the validation of others.
    17. Negative thoughts will not manifest a negative life. But unconscious negative thoughts will.
    18. Bullying yourself into enlightenment does not work. You must befriend yourself to transcend yourself.
    19. There are 3 layers to a moment: Your experience, your awareness of the experience, and your story about the experience. Be mindful of the story.
    20. Your mind doesn’t wander. It moves toward what it finds most interesting. To improve focus, become curious about what’s in front of you.
    21. Life continues whether you pay attention to it or not. I think it’s why the passage of time is so scary.
    22. High pain tolerance is a double-edged sword. It’s key for self-control, but can cause us to override the pain of being out of alignment.
    23. Peak experiences are fun, but you always have to come back. Learning to appreciate ordinary moments is the key to a fulfilling life.
    24. You cannot practice non-attachment. You can only show your mind the suffering attachment creates. When the mind sees this clearly, it will let go.
    25. Meditation can easily become suppression. Don’t use concentration to avoid what is uncomfortable.
    26. Meditation is not about feeling good. It’s about feeling what you’re feeling with good awareness. Plot twist: Eventually that makes you feel good.
    27. Some of the deepest peace we can experience is living in integrity. You can lie to other people about who you are, but you can’t lie to your heart.
    28. Be careful not to let the noise of your mind overpower the whispers of your heart.
    29. Life is always happening in just one moment. That’s all you’re responsible for.
    30. Monks love to fart while they meditate. The wisdom of letting go is expressed in many forms.
    31. You can’t life-hack wisdom. Do the work.

    Can relate to most of it. Hope his work is not a scam. Looking forward to more of his sharings.

  • Be Still

    I am just feeling so overwhelmed lately especially due to the excruciatingly hot weather and that I can’t eat or drink to at least give some motivation to keep doing what I needed to get done.

    Came across an Instagram post yesterday talking about trauma in women causing them to mess up in their feminine side believing that being feminine is harmful and being more masculine will help them survive. Well that’s exactly me! Only that I realise that I’m more leaning towards my feminine side this time around.

    I have always been feminine with my joy in expressing creativity in my work. I love perfumes, nice smells and pampering myself. It’s just that being this way is deemed as lazy and unproductive by my parents and mostly by the environment around me. So, it’s me who needs to enjoy and validate the feminine side of me.

    Today, I’m feeling messy because I am so exhausted I think my health is giving way because I didn’t rest, drink and eat enough. I already undereat during non-fasting month. So by eating less (not intentionally) during fasting month of course is going to set me back. It’s one of the things I need to seriously take care of.

    So much things to do, I want to make a new pair of baju raya for me also, study-wise, a lot of catching up to do. It feels so out of hand for me already. Things for book publisher, for my supervisor, for my data collection. My work is fine and I’m so grateful for it. Only that I have so much pending projects to do which I have no clue yet how am I gonna finish them. My mom expects me to help her so does my grandma. I was also a bit anxious cause my man is not responding to my call for connection. So that agitated me a bit. Good grief that we have delivered the new BodyPump release at the gym, so that lighten the load for myself a little bit.

    I realised that though what I’ve been doing is for my future (hopefully!), I feel that I’m not doing enough for me, to make time doing what makes me feel good, what makes me feel alive and happy – to express myself. So despite of pressure to move things forward, I just decided not to do anything and relax, focus on myself.

    What I like about me this year is that I stuck with my financial system that I managed to control my spending and actually saved some money for myself. Though I still have a long way to go, I feel optimistic with the way I handled it. I want to learn more about money and relate better with it.

    I also becoming better at caring and standing up for myself, doing what I want to do versus doing what people expect me to do. For that, I wanna thank and pat myself at the back for such good work. Omg, this was so not me just 4 years ago!

    You are doing great Nurul. You are not behind, you are exactly where you want to be. Now let’s get ready to spend the day for myself that is to make baju raya instead of just doing study work and worrying about them!

  • October updates!

    Life has been moving so fast these past 4 weeks. It’s mid-October already. I’m trying to get back to slower pace of life. Recently bagged myself new clients and new job, connected with new people. Coping with the ‘new’-ness of my man’s behaviour. It’s all too much for me without processing and without much support. There were good things and maybe not bad but these things trigger my insecurity a lot especially in the financial aspects of which I am seriously building on. I am also feeling so ill today, my body is giving way and there’s no one here to comfort me (well I can always go home to my parents, but it’s my recharge day!).

    Feeling so vulnerable and the fact that I can’t spend time and share it with my man makes me feel hopeless. Also, makes me question the whole ‘us’ thing. I wonder if he’s thinking about me as often as I do of him. This guy really makes me crazy sometimes, but yeah I just need to be myself and tell him how I feel eventhough it might drive him away. I don’t know if his act of keep coming back to me is because he genuinely loves me or just caused by something superficial. I am just generally anxious because I don’t know how to address it.

    Anyways, today I planned to go see my painting to resume and have a look at them. But my body is just so exhausted, thank God I don’t feel sore a lot because I went to train. I’m just feeling inflamed and undernourished. I don’t know what else to do other than eat, lying in bed and watch movie. I watched the movie ‘Eternal Sunshine of A Spotless Mind’ in the afternoon. It was a great movie and so moving. I think most men in my life have mother issue. It’s also funny that inside, I feel so dark, and yet people see me as a ‘lively’ and ‘bubbly’ character. I related the relationships in that movie with mine, it’s like everyone has conflicts – it’s how they resolve and communicate their differences. I don’t know what to make of mine. It’s just a floating thing, sometimes okay, sometimes not. I don’t want to mother my partner, maybe deep down I just want someone else who can be a better father for me. I also learn that with wounded and introverted men, they don’t have space in their head to think about other people. It’s just their survival, sometimes, I catch myself behaving like that with things that don’t matter to me. I don’t understand this, maybe just live and do my best to make it meaningful.

    Yesterday was so ‘dark’ for me, I was listening to “Kingdom of Rust” again and it’s just so beautiful about someone who’s unable to feel. When it sang “I long to feel the beauty in my heart..” I just cried. I just let it go, I wasn’t sad for any reason. Maybe its a repressed feeling. When I feel good, it’s 100% great. When I’m not it’s 100% too. Maybe living is like that. Feel it and ask myself why do I feel that way and move on. I mean, when I’m already feeling tired and ill and the weather is just crazy, it’s just hard to feel good these days. I just don’t have the strength to deal with everything right now. I’m turning 41 years old in a few days, would I stay like this till I die? I am yet to find my breakthrough. It’s hard. Small progress with finance but not stable yet, relationship-wise also small progress. I just want routine, stability and peace. Nothing else matters much to me. I thought also beforehand that I am not normal, turns out when I get to know more people, the more I see that we are all in the same boat. I am ahead if I have more awareness and initiatives than other people. So, I really am not broken. I can make things happen for me. I just need to keep trying and make mistakes until I find it.

    Gosh it’s really hot in here. I have so many things to fix like my nutrition and energy level, my studies, my pending work, the things I promised my parents. How do people do it? My car is making me crazy too with all the loud noise. I am just could not see right now how I could make all these things right for me. I already put a timeline for the things I needed to do but still it’s not moving at all. I am still as sick and hungry and tired as before. Is it my work that’s making me crazy? Or is it that I am not feeling much support from the man I love? Oh Allah, please teach me how this works. I am clueless as ever. I don’t know what I can do right anymore.

    I know what my mind and body is trying to tell me, it thinks that I am in danger. Only in danger of what I am not sure. Sometimes I can stay calm and just surrender to Allah, because Allah knows best, and he always helps me and be there for me. Yeah, no point feeling threatened by someone who is not capable of loving and protecting the way I want to because of his wounds himself. There’s so much frustration in me right now. Here are some of the things that made me crazy these past few days:

    • Loud noise from car and recent sound system problem made my ear rang several times. I’m scared that I might turn deaf because of that.
    • Got a new job teaching for a new centre, but I am not feeling myself with this job – plus it just doesn’t feel right sometimes cause I am at different wavelength with my participants and the place – I don’t know what make them feel excited in exercising – to them it is still torture, and not challenges – so maybe this one makes me stress out a bit. I am worried this gig does not last as long as I’d like it to. But lets not worry about it now.
    • And the place that I currently work at is so mean, like not caring of us who work for them.
    • My group exercise clients are a pain at the moment. OMG why people are so disrespectful like this. I am not gonna sugarcoat anything with them, just gonna be myself and act professional.
    • I am just tired of dealing with people right now be it my clients, my employees, my family and my own partner.
    • I am tired of people hitting on me when I let loose and be myself, can you all just chill and act normal.
    • Stress and anxiety from pending jobs. I just feel like, if I don’t feel good about myself, if I don’t get my affairs sorted, I can’t do things for other people.
    • I sensed some changes with my man, I don’t know if its good or not. He’s less defensive with me which is good. I also feel uncomfortable that he changed his style which I’m not a fan of. I like my man clean not scruffy. I don’t know yet what he is going through, only some details and it sounded like he is exhausted himself, but really nothing I can do if he would not let me.
    • I hate that I still depend on my parents, like how can I let go of this dependence already. I can do this, just a little bit more.
    • My research is stalling for a bit now, but this one is the least of my concern cause I know how to handle this, and I have my support.
    • Classes keep cancelling, people are not showing up. I mean people have things to do, right. I am worried that my schedule got changed or reduced because of no show. This will affect my income and my ability to pay for bills.

    Above all, I also don’t want to factor out that all these crazy feelings also were intensified by PMS. I dealt with so many things in a short time. I was in full on hustle and fight mode. That’s why I am so exhausted emotionally now. Many good things happened too, such as:

    • I found a mechanic who could solve my car problems for now. And my mom is ok to help me with fixing costs – maybe I feel stressed because it’s as if I need to do a big favour for her if she helps me
    • My income exceed RM1,000 per month now, which means I have enough bullet to add my values in teaching in fitness or even indulge a bit on nice things.
    • Again, my man is less defensive so it’s really a nice progress.
    • My sister, niece and nephew paid a visit to my house. It was short and so special because I get to show them my safe sanctuary.
    • I get to train again. It feels so good!!! I want to get paid to train. I am going to do that for a year, and maybe sign up to become a CrossFit coach.
    • I got new ear-piercings on my left ear together with my niece. It was so special and my niece was so cute with her new piercing. I just realise how big is my love for her. Made me wonder, maybe that was how my aunties were with me. I am so sorry if I appear disimissive or cold towards them. Also to my mom and my grandma who love me so much. I think my dad too, but he just could not put his guard down (like my man!).
    • My dad keeps a couple of selfies I took in my younger years wearing makeup – that was so corny and sweet at the same time!
    • Relaunch at the gym was nice, and some of the members like finally accepting of myself as a person, not like a perfect celebrity coach.
    • I got myself checked for breast cancer and I was cleared and good. Funny experience doing mammogram and ultrasound. Kind a like, one milestone achieved as a healthy woman.
    • I can sense now the validation that I am working in fitness and that I am knowledgeable about it.

    I am just burnt out and not managing myself well. Things happened and just focus on what I can control. Everything I listed out is a lot for a 4 weeks occasion. At least I am alive to experience this all. I am safe, I am OK and I am taken care of. Don’t worry.

  • Watching ‘Love Is Blind’ from A Different Lense

    Last night, I binged watched the TV series ‘Love Is Blind’. I turned it on because that’s a comfortable series to turn on while I do my chores and not to miss much of the plots.

    Soon enough I found out that I was rooting for a couple Brett and Tiffany. They have solid relationship, and they are both two amazing people.

    As I watched along the series, nearing towards their wedding, I see many kinds of relationships. The dynamics between a couple and how they relate with each other. It’s so much an eye opener to me when I understand the underlying reasons behind each behaviour and approach towards relationship.

    I even notice my unhealthy pattern in some relationships – it was really ugly when I came to realise it. I love how Chelsea always brave enough to come up with tough conversation and speaks her mind. Tiffany and Brett are 100% top notch. Bliss, putting aside her ego for the man she loves. It’s just made it so much clearer for me on what kind of relationship I am looking for. I was also actively looking for my man’s pattern and dynamics. Sometimes I feel like we are the same person, with same temperament; only that I have more courage to pursue what I want and to be myself. Mine would be a bit like Chelsea and Kwame – and Marshall and Jackie. At times, I found myself behaving like Jackie. I want to change that.

    Brett is like my dream guy. I was also looking out on clues on what it takes to meet and be with a man like Brett – like what characters in Tiffany that I could learn from. It made me sad, too, cause she is so bubbly and warm, just expressive and lively – while I believe my authentic self is more reserved and dark. I just enjoy things, express myself and have fun in a different way. Despite of that, I can feel Tiffany is a fighter. Maybe I am more of Chelsea, more reserved kind.

    Watching the ladies picking up their wedding dresses made me wonder, will I ever gonna experience that in my life. I shook it away, I will have the opportunity when the time comes. I will have a partner to come home to and to build with when the time comes. Now I understand why having fulfilling relationship really is a skill.

  • Unsettled again

    How sad it is when the only person you are comfortable updating on yourself and your day is your 6 years old niece. She is the most amazing girl in the world that I have known. I hope she continues to be that way even after the world breaks her heart – I pray that she is strong and resilient in navigating her life in the future.

    Feeling so messed up and upset today. Because I am trying to finish a website update today, but found it so stressful and time-consuming. At first, I resent my brother for asking me and rushing me to do it for free. When I dug deeper, firstly, he never said it’s for free, secondly, they have been asking for a while already. So yeah I should be responsible for this, and not to do the same mistake again. I am so out of touch for doing all this design things. It’s so frustrating.

    The other thing that bothers me is that I really dislike it when I’m not treated as if I have a choice. So this lecturer I sense that he is manipulative in his ways to get what he wants. I’m so not gonna be part of his agenda. When I declined to do what he wanted, he had the audacity to text my mom about it. So frustrating. It triggered me a lot, I felt so much hatred for my mom. Like, I don’t feel safe with her anymore. It’s like, I need help but knowing my parents it felt like I need to exchange that help with something towards their favour. The feeling of shame and guilt for receiving their help is still there. I just don’t trust my parents and my family.

    And then, I have financial issues, I mean I created them too. My wages from teaching now is exactly the amount that I had wanted, actually given more. It’s the additional commitments to pay for trainings that made me overspent, as well as impulsive eating. I’m tired of having limited choice, but I need to choose and cut back to live peacefully. If I love myself, I gotta cut back until I can earn more. Food and fuel is more important than fancy training.

    The thing about the lecturer, I chose to toughen it up, it’s not my mom’s fault. I am an adult and I have the choice to do what I want – as long as I’m still doing what’s necessary for my studies. And as for my brother’s request, I’m so gonna send him an invoice later.

    Stand up for yourself, Nurul. You got this!

  • Long Overdue Life Audit – Direction for 2023/2024

    FFA Nurul

    Ideal state: Financially stable, potentially earning at least RM3k and above, with savings on car maintenance and emergency events, manageable debt repayments. Steady stream of income and balance working on passion projects, family business and my role as a consultant after graduated from DBA program. Calm and happy.

    Driving FactorRestraining Factor
    • financially independent, not relying on my parents money (5)
    • freedom to do what I want and to be myself- peace of mind, not to worry about unpaid bills (5)
    • opportunity to contribute to my family (4)
    • realising my need to be self-sufficient (5)
    • not worrying about my car and disrupt my travels (4)
    • security when emergency happens or when I need extra money (4)
    • some resource for knowledge and skills upgrading (3)
    • I can be more available to those who matters (5)
    • I can buy more quality food to nourish my body (5)
    • life upgrades – wardrobes, home, self-care (5)
    • experience and knowledge in IT and fitness; competence in industry (3)
    • no need to invest so much to start rolling (4)
    • vast methods and opportunity to share my insights online (3)
    • access to gyms to promote my services (4)
    • physically fitter and look better than I was before (4)
    • enjoy life (5)
    • competitive (3)
    • market demands unmatched with my service and offered rate (3)
    • juggling for time (5)
    • demotivated sometimes when unable to fulfill customer needs (3)
    • limited local opportunities (4)
    • physically tired to push in getting more done (5)
    • unclear who are my target market that would value my service (5)
    • many commitments that consume time and money (4)
    • how to market my service online with just using Instagram, WhatsApp, YouTube and my website (5)
    • sometimes too overwhelmed to do anything (4)
    • basic commitments almost RM700 per month without adding on fuels and food (5)
    • no more savings (5)
    • sometimes giving in to unnecessary costs (3)
    • debts almost RM30k (4)
    • need to solve financial issue on family business (5)
    • pending work from previous years (5)
    Total: 68Total: 68

    Same tally. Ok from here, my area to develop on would be – Marketing & Branding, Sales Opportunity, Time Management, Fitness & Well-being, Finance, Business Development, Preliminary Action. Timeframe is 2 years, that is from now August 2023 to August 2025. By this time, I must already have graduated and achieved at least 60% of my ideal state – especially the finance part where I am able to pay my monthly debts and secure some money for my savings.

    Development plan for Nurul to achieve ideal state in 2 years

    Primary focus is to finish pending jobs before 2023 ends. Start earning RM900-1,000 per month first to sustain the year. If I finish all these actions by year 2024, I could potentially generate RM30,000-40,000 more by then.

    AreaActionHowTimeframe
    Marketing & BrandingFind my superpowerRead articles on authenticity, finding niche, superpower14 Aug – 1 Nov 2023
    Structure packagesOutline fitness service packages – price, options, points of contacts14 Aug – 31 Aug 2023
    Social mediaInstagram, YouTube, WhatsApp31 Aug 2023
    ChannelsWebsite, Emails 31 Aug 2023
    Determine frequency31 Aug 2023
    ContentsDetermine what kind of contents that would:
    – create awareness on fitness
    – create awareness on BodyPump
    – motivate people to improve habits to like fitness
    – introduce different kinds or trends of training
    -demonstrate knowledge and competence
    – own experience and journey    		31 Aug 2023
    Online course/PT
    Hosting and website packages marketingSEO work
    Update Tau Systems website
    Sort visibility and coverage
    PortfolioDigital kit
    Printed kit
    Structured contents
    Sales OpportunityScan consumers profile
    Perform PESTEL
    Market research
    Target people – individual, corporate, new gym members
    Approach contractors SMEs on website and email hosting services
    Create awareness – story and social media and website contents
    Time ManagementPending job at HATWKKHeli section
    Running section – face, touchup details, banner
    Chamber section – details baju, face
    Logo – left and right
    Smoothen out background    		1 Mar 2024
    Kiosk apps GrowballInterface prototype
    Workable prototype
    Presentation
    Install
    Test    		1 Mar 2024
    Business plan MYJNFramework to study profits, SWOT, business plan, recommendations, PESTLE, market research, current condition – strategy – Data pertanian DOA – food delivery
    Business kit MYJTSLogo
    Update portfolio
    Update website info
    DBA researchCorrection – ongoing
    REC approval
    Writing article journal
    Book chapter
    Data collection    		Feb 2024
    PT classes and sessionsSpecify free interchangeable slots with classes and training19 Aug 2023
    Hobby & creativesSlot one day just for myself to engage in hobbies

    UOB Art Comp     		31 Dec 2024
    31 July 2024
    Personal choresHome repairs
    Main room cleaning
    Bathroom repair
    Sink repairs
    Garden
    Dismantle double decker bed
    Relationships – family, friends and loveSchedule time to be at parents, dates and friends
    Meet family once a week    		19 Aug 2023
    31 Dec 2024
    Fitness & WellbeingTraining schedule and focusSpecify days of training and expected costs

    Schedule daily stretching to release tension    		20 Aug 2023
    Nutrition planDetermine groceries sets required and monthly costs31 Aug 2023
    CEN workFinish 10 days awareness challenge
    Do 3x a day – ask myself how am I feeling? Why am I feeling?
    Learn everything about CEN    		13-19 Aug 2023
    31 Dec 2024
    BooksFinish pending book titles
    Read list of book titles
    MindfulnessMeditation 10-20 mins daily31 Dec 2024
    FinanceStudy loanOutstanding RM14,00031 Dec 2024
    Membership debtOutstanding RM2,00031 Dec 2024
    MYJN outstanding and cashflowPlan on how to generate RM2000 – RM5000 per month15 Sept 2023
    Find extra income/jobLimit on arts, web and coding and fitness
    Accumulate savingsCar maintenance saving RM1,500 per year
    		31 Dec 2024
    Business DevelopmentMYJN new offers
    New products TS
    Create on-demand online services
    Web-apps pay per month/year
    Fitness classes
    Online PT
    Progress monitoring package
    Preliminary ActionExpand network
    Create visibilityEnhance website contents
    Use YouTube and Instagram
    SEO on website
    Prepare catalog/ deliverablesCatalog and materials for TS
    Catalog for PT
    Offer classes, purchasable printsDetermine concept and products to sell
    Find out how others do it
    Present all services to people, no reservation

    Updated 23 Jan 2024