Tag: reflection

  • Tricky August

    Two more weeks until the month ends. It has been a great one for me, yet still so many things to get done – I start to feel out of balance consistently.

    What’s great:

    • Did my DRP
    • Finally went out to visit an amazing place in Ranau – Taralamas River Canyon. I’ll write all about it in a post!
    • I am getting fitter and stronger
    • I am getting the hang of teaching BodyPump 3-4 times a week
    • Guess what, he’s back! – I am still undecided how to respond to this
    • Finally getting the company kit moving for MYJ Tau Systems SB
    • My PT client made a lot of progress in her fitness and training. So proud of her!
    • Settled MYJ Naturalle SB annual return stuff – almost missed it though
    • Made a lot of new friends from gym
    • Consistent early morning meditation before everything else daily since July

    What’s not great:

    • Pending work – the painting at the navy base
    • Nervous of the next milestone of my studies
    • I haven’t continued with MYJ Naturalle SB business plan yet
    • Web application for cinema tickets. Sigh!
    • Work still coming and piling up – I feel it is hard to catch up
    • I am still at the beck and call of my family – because I feel I gotta do it in return of their financial help
    • Added my financial commitment – I gotta work extra to make ends meet
    • Still unable to pay my study loan in full unlike before
    • My body needs more care – nutrition, stretching, sleep – I feel like it is never enough with rest
    • Eventhough he’s back, I still need to address how I feel and what I need – it unsettles me that I am ok with what he did
    • Still feeling something is off and despite of what I am doing; it still is not enough
    • I want to spend more time processing and healing my CEN trauma
    • I find it hard to sit down and relax and do the things I like such as painting

    I am especially anxious about my financial situation. Maybe I need to make the decision where I need to draw the line so that my time is used wisely that will add more value to my life. Maybe this is the process that I need to go through. To compare with last year at this time around, I am a lot better now. I have income, I think I am at my fittest and I am curious how much more and what else I can do. It’s like never ending quest to level up. I am not sure if this is healthy or not. And I am getting more aware of my triggers, the way I talk to myself. I rarely judge or put myself down anymore and it makes me so much peaceful and relaxed. The meditation practice that I do daily has helped me a lot in so many ways. I am feeling more myself and have better agency of what I want to do in line with my values. So yeah, for 2 weeks, those are a lot. I am proud of myself, I just need to slow down a bit and chill. I did enough.

  • Heaviness

    Today I’m feeling the heaviness and grief again. Woke up feeling really sluggish, even the meditation did not calm me down.

    I’m feeling overwhelm thinking of what’s gonna happen in a few days during event, and how I’m gonna need a week to recover my body so that I can be my best with my body in teaching.

    Then again, this might not be true. I tend to have this catastrophic thinking. I’ll do well out of this. There’s so much fear with events, the tiredness, the unproductivity, the crowd and people. Maybe I should just focus on what I needed to do and have faith that the other people will do their jobs.

    I worry on meeting my supervisors, I’m so tired dealing with them and with the load I needed to do for this study. I kind of sense their character flaws. Not that I’m better than them, but I feel that they are putting inconsiderately and unnecessary perfectionistic expectations on something that is less important than the whole process of research itself. I can negotiate with them and tell them how I feel tomorrow.

    I’m thinking how much I do miss him and the absurdity of my brain still looking for good justification why he did what he did. Then I stopped myself, to not think about it, but just feel my emotions fleeting. We did have good times, so my body is craving for it. Just observe, the intensity will fade. He still is the asshole that he is, for treating me with disrespect; remember that.

    My whole body is aching too. I didn’t know I have a weak back and upper body until I did CrossFit and powerlifting. Maybe I’ll feel better after stretching, shower and have a good breakfast.

    Everything I need to deal today, it’s gonna be fine and okay.

  • DBA – 3rd Semester, In!

    This weekend I spent a lot of my time for activities involving my DBA studies.

    Had my 4th presentation on my DBA research proposal, that I do not have any fear to talk about it to anyone (hopefully) at all. The more I present and received feedback from lecturers, the clearer I get on what are the challenges to do it; and how can I improve the research. My confidence also grew a lot. The lecturers and my peers had warned me that the actual defense session is going to be brutal. I do not yet feel threatened or stressed out by it, but I have still to prepare myself for what can happen.

    Explaining my literature review leading to research framework

    I did the presentation in the midst of class learning about PLS-SEM, but glad that I managed to catch up what was it all about after missing about one and a half hours of lecture and demonstration.

    I feel the time is just right. Had I presented my proposal before I have the slightest idea what PLS is all about, I might be fried and burnt down to ashes, if methodology is asked out of me. The more I just let things flow and not stressing over it, the more convinced I am that Allah has everything laid out for me. I just need to do my best in my capacity and with the help of others around me.

    All of us DBA classmates minus one, with Dr Chua and her husband

    We also had a nice dinner last night at a native cuisine restaurant at Hotel No. 5. It was a nice and chill hang out with my classmates and the lecturer. I don’t really know what was nice about it. The whole experience, the company, our dynamic conversations that really made the night, I guess. We spent for a whole 2 hours there, but it felt longer that time.

    At this point of time, I really am feeling that I am together with my tribe – people who are more like me; and less like the people who I tried so hard to belong to. I feel like I have really grown and upgraded; and I am so pleased with myself. Thank you Allah for all the experiences you sent my way. And for my mom, for being there for me in the toughest of times.

  • Serotonin

    I was scrolling through my Instagram just lying on my couch having millions of thoughts on things that I should be doing right now.

    Then there’s one post by Derric Chan I guess, I’ll check back what’s the handle, sharing on feel good hormones. There are 4, and based on my lifestyle, I’m pretty much ok with most of the hormones except serotonin.

    No wonder meditation appeals to me a lot these days, and that I’m consistently trying to reduce my stress as I have been living under chronic stress these days and I avoid stressful people and situations. It seems to me that my body is protecting me by telling me that this is good for me cause I lack of it.

    Coping up with today’s lifestyle and my expectations and others, often I find that I am consistently stressed because I put myself as a high performing person at work. I gotta unravel this needs to be high performer. I am now ok being the last person among others. I don’t compete with people anymore. I only compete with myself. And maybe cause I still attach myself to the idea of success as according to my parents – that I gotta be a good child and not disappoint them; that made me feel less than who I actually am.

    I don’t want to blame my family anymore it’s unfair to them. Maybe I haven’t confronted myself enough. True, I gotta set my standard, but not to the extent of torturing myself. I guess everyone at some point has this. Like my PT client, she always wants to do more. It kind of triggered me. Maybe I am upset cause I used to, and sometimes, be like that. She sounded disappointed when I said that she should take it easy with her training. I just want to be kind and for her to not torture her body. Maybe I have crossed her belief. Whatever it is, I have found her obstacle to become better with training. This is also a huge reminder to always be kind to myself; body, mind and spirit.

  • Generational Trauma

    It’s Raya Haji once again, I joined the family for our raya visits to my parents’ kampung. The first trip was really something to me, where we went to visit my Dad’s oldest cousin (only one alive, all of his siblings passed away) to return a copy of a big – I mean it’s really enormous in depth tracing back to the link to the origin of Islamic rulers ages ago. There were 2 things that I got out of this: my lineage and heritage; and the origin of my Dad’s character or may I say trauma.

    From what the elderly told us, this was the story that had been passed down, is that, we had our ancestors from other country in Sabah due to siblings rivalry and to escape execution from the ruler. That really was a survival move back then. People could not know the lineage, or risked being killed.

    My ancestors were directly related to a certain royalty family, and they often found themselves being sent to places as enforcer (one could say that they were stationed there to kill/execute people that was ordered by the ruler). So a lot of feuds and injustices happened, resulting them to flee and settled down here in Sabah.

    I knew this story before but it slipped my memory. My ancestors were literally the seafarers of the Borneo island also like maritime enforcement during their time. I guess that is why I am so feisty and adventurous (I know my Dad is like this too). Being fed with these adventures since I was little really planted some ideas in me!

    I remembered my Dad was proudly telling us a story, whenever we visited the kampung where it happened, that, our great great great grandfather scooped out the eyeballs of pirates in captivity at a jetty where he pointed. I guess from there he had this scavenger mentality and always on the lookout of harm and danger. My grandfather was a policeman and a lot of his relatives work or worked as an enforcer themselves. The cousin of my Dad’s whom we visited also managed to slip in how our ancestors were killing other people caused of racial war, and how they needed to bury their possessions that showed their original identities to survive. For their generation, this was what masculinity is all about, savagely protecting their turf, being ruthlessly brave, be an explorer – on a positive side, they were patriotic and dutiful to their rulers until there were the need to rebel and flee. I am still processing all of this, and on how it shaped my environment and upbringing growing up.

    I believe, my late grandfather who was in service as a policeman kind of feeling undeserving of his role knowing his lineage. From what I know from my interaction with him, he was a gentle man, not much words and loved gardening. I would not know he was a policeman back then because he was so kind and so proud of us. He taught my Dad on humility – he said, “Ular menyusur akar, tidak akan hilang biasanya.” (A poisonous snake won’t lose it’s poison even if it had to slither on the lowest ground in between of tree roots). Basically, your worth, talent, lineage – what ever good things about you will not lose even if you have to endure hardest times or circumstances. Another way to look at it, no need to brag to get people’s validation based on worldly views of status, we know our own worth and abilities and it will always be with us that no one can take away from. So that was a piece of wisdom from him.

    I realised how survival was really central and it was a serious deal – do or die kind of thing back then. Without their struggle, I would not be here today writing my blog entry from the comfort of my couch all provided by my parents. And to acknowledge that my lineage traced back to very respectable people who made histories made me realise how valuable I am. I must treat myself like a treasure and fight for myself like how my ancestors fight for their family.

    My Dad did not share much on his interactions with his siblings or his late mom (other than often being scolded, pinched and punished – tough love). So I figured, that was the identity that he relates to himself the most and that was what that had shaped him today. Knowing this I feel sorry for him, but also seek to explore how I should navigate my interaction with him. We may not be aligned, but he is still my Dad who worked hard to provide for me and I just prayed one day we could figure out how to be at peace with each other before it’s too late.

    Yeah, that was a lot coming out from a raya visit. I’m glad I had joined my family and ate good food, rather than staying at home miserable with piles of work waiting to get done.