Tag: reflection

  • I Am Exactly Where I Need to Be

    Been wanting to write for a while. Have gone through some nice weeks prior and things are moving so fast that I need to process things for a bit. Took a break from training post-competition to reset my body and nervous system – seriously I was struck with one after another, thesis, training, classes, travelling on survival mode; and to unexpectedly received surprise messages – the usual hi and gone stuff; on the eve of my birthday, seriously? When I wanted to just be friendly and show that I feel happy for you for starting class, suddenly I got blocked again. Do you see your communication pattern? That drives me mad, but I am not gonna be affected by those anymore. Everything from you doesn’t have any clear context on me, as the recipient of your interaction.

    Now, that’s out of my system, I want to process on how sweet my brother has been for repairing my old little car on his own (it’s already 19 years old this year). He has been trying to fix it for weeks and spent so many to buy the tools and parts to help me. Funny thing too, my dad starts to join him outside at the porch with a cup of coffee in his hands, watching my brother fixing the car. Earlier, weeks way before, my brother told me he was ushered on wheelchair to the ICU, paralysed, as his blood pressure sky-rocketed to 250. As a fitness trainer, I know how urgently he needs intervention to care for himself. I told him to take things slow and don’t stress too much. He has done so much already. And then, I began to talk about our shared childhood trauma and how it affected us as adults interfering with our lives and causes unnecessary stress and hypervigilance. He didn’t want to listen to me at first, but I kept talking anyways – deep inside I know he felt shame and anger, or something else, as he kept asking me questions about our childhood and how it affects us. I told him to go do some searching on “childhood neglect” and “childhood trauma”; and that if he has the budget to go see therapist. I have been wanting to see one, but for now books and alternative means have helped me a lot so far. The pain of being in relationships with wounded/dysfunctional/abusive people have really forced me to think and find what’s wrong with me for choosing to be with them and to finally find ways to heal my trauma.

    So, back to my brother, I worry so much for him. I hope he could come and train with me to improve his health. A few days back, we were having lunch outside while waiting for my car tire replacement to finish at a workshop, and he brought up the topic about childhood trauma again. I am happy that he finally understands that there’s nothing wrong with him and that it’s the trauma responses that made us respond to things the way we do. I am glad that he gets the understanding that it’s not our parents’ fault either as they, too, at that time, wouldn’t have known better. Having that conversation, I hope he understands the pain that I have gone through upon knowing that everything I knew about myself was wrong for the past 38 years and that I have to isolate myself and rebuild a life and identity that is true to me at my core. After that conversation, I feel like I wanted to hug my brother (but I didn’t), it feels like he was that small little boy again who I need to protect as a big sister. I want him to know, that he can come to me and talk to me about anything that bothers him – same goes to my other siblings.

    Other than the stuff about my brother, I sort of feel that I am getting better at delivering a good class. My endurance has gone down a bit due to long rest, but being able to teach engaging 5 BodyPump classes in a week, on top of my regular Putatan classes is such a win for me this week. The new release is so hard. So this time, my focus is for my participants to gradually build in their strength injury free, find which area that is challenging to them and focus on diverting their fatigue to their technique and to feel the load as stimulator, not as something to avoid. I am just so grateful with this job and the crowd there, these guys have helped me in believing in my own strength and power as a person. Also, had a nice mamak dinner after gym cleaning with the ladies I teach in Putatan. I feel that it’s scary that we all are getting along better and getting closer, that my reaction was to immediately put boundaries and put up a wall so that they don’t know me that much despite of me telling hefty things about myself to them. Maybe it’s the reaction from being used to people taking advantage of me. I preached a lot about the nervous system, to avoid being in an overdrive – I hope someday they would get what I mean. I am also happy that I see a lot of progress for each of them, proving that their trainings start to trigger changes towards their body. I have just started to build my strength to getting back to CrossFit training, hopefully I would have enough to pay for gym fees and start training again by next week. The drills that my coaches gave me have helped me a lot and I see a lot of improvements on my technique and that my physique has changed a bit (I think my abs muscles, those forming six packs have grown a bit; and my shoulders width – the lats area, is a bit broader than before). My focus this time would be more on skills and actually finish all the prescribed conditioning workouts.

    My thesis has gone to the backseat a bit as I focus on finishing the last module that I have to attend and redo. Today’s class was the last one. I really enjoyed the sessions – it’s more like a study group environment rather than a full-blown lecture. The lecturer was so good and encouraging to everyone – even towards those who made outright mistakes in their presentations (but as a trainer, I am so used to correcting people real time, that I had to point out what could be done to improve their work – not apologising, I am just a direct person). I have been having this imposter syndrome, keep questioning myself if I am doing the right thing with my research, my framework and all – having interacted with her, and receving her feedback after presenting my work, I am now more confident with what I am doing. She explicitly tells everyone this – “Now I believe that she does her own work for her thesis, she really knows what she’s doing and she’s a very hardworking person.” Hearing that from someone I admire and respect, is so validating. Half of the postgraduate lecturers there know who I am and who my parents are, they might expect something lesser of me. I believe I do my best whenever I can with whatever resources I have to make it happen with the help and support of people around me. I am a person of effort; I am capable and I can do this! At the end of our class, the lecturer asked for feedback, and when its my turn, I just started saying how thankful I am for the class and the lecturer and my voice began to crack! I just almost cried but I kept myself composed, paused and talked slowly. I was surprised because it happened a lot when I talk about my research or anything to do with my studies. That’s how deep my feelings and attachment are to my research after all the things I have gone through to come this far. I still don’t know what that means.

    Overall, I really did have a nice weekend that temporary water disruption did not water down my contentment! I am not as fatigue this week, I take care of regulating my nervous systems, I get things done, I nurture my relationship with my family, secured a few new clients to train with me and made new friends. Today I realised, everything is already lined up for me. I just need to prepare myself to face them and follow through what is in store for me in the near future. I don’t have to worry if I would make it in each area of my life – everything will happen when it’s time. I just need to focus, keep building to be the best version of me that I can be and be ready to hit the gas for what’s to come in time. I feel that I have grown and healed so much from my old self. Thank you Allah for helping me.

  • Noisy September

    It’s the final week of September already. So much went on this month. I’m just feeling overwhelmed day in day out. In dire need of a long break but I need to hold on until my thesis is submitted and after Hopper Warrior finishes.

    What went on this month:

    Data collection and data analysis consumed so much of my time and energy. And then, to actually write and compile my thesis altogether. Today I am finalising the structure and contents of Chapter 4 before actually write the whole thing. Anxiety level up to the roof and I think I’m experiencing shutdowns as my brain refuse to think and focus without donuts and iced coffee. Last time, I used to smoke a lot to defuse my emotion. But I’m not going to do that again.

    Physically used up after Borneo Pangazou’s event mid September, 1 week recovery and training again. It’s week 1 out of 3 weeks plan. I’m beyond exhausted already. 2 weeks to go. More expenses on fuel and food. Must do daily stretch and massages for quick recovery measures. It’s Saturday, good thing class was cancelled this morning so I had plenty of rest at home but still need to catch up on sleep. My relationship with the people at the gyms I go to also has gotten closer. They really are my emotional support system these days.

    The gym in Putatan is slowly gaining traction. For that, I’m so grateful. We got new equipments (so much drama on how they were under my responsibilities, good thing a good soul helped me out). I managed to code a simple apps to record class attendance which helped a lot in my communications with instructors and gym members. Dealing with people, though I’m good at it, is so mentally exhausting. The late drive home 3-4 times a week is tiring too. More stuff to do to improve with newbies orientation and marketing stuffs. Hope I could still use the place for a long time.

    Other than that, I think I’m also exhausted at monitoring my investments as last few weeks my stocks were not performing well. But I learnt a lot about investing. I thought to myself, had I known about it years earlier, I would be in a much better place financially today. Also, managed to restructure my study loan repayment. At last, I’m able to continue paying the loan again. Must be careful with how I spend my money. I’m looking forward to get a new car loan probably end of this year or next year. My car is causing so much stress to me already. Been down for a few weeks already and I’m using my mom’s car which costs me RM100 a week on fuel. Also, it is because I have spent forward a lot of money for my data collection that I don’t have enough for the following months. By January, I’m hoping that things are back to the usuals so that I don’t struggle so much. Hope no more drama in my life at least spare me for a couple of months. Let me breathe.

    Overall I still feel I’m not in control of my life. My relationship is still in standoff-ish mode. My house is a mess. My roses died. At least I manage to sort the most important stuffs out. To think of it, today is the only weekend that I have to myself this month. Just need time to make sense of stuffs and not doing too much in a month. My challenge for the next few weeks would be to consistently write and train at this intensity I have started this month. Focus, meditate, regroup and realign quick (and don’t forget things!) I might be doing just fine.

  • Don’t Look Back

    Triggered by a few events today. The day started out quite okay, then I started to feel gloomy. I had a quick nap after class, and then received a text from my brother asking for a document I may have from our past dealings. I started to feel heavy, but looked for it anyway and didn’t find one. One thought to another, I felt how much a failure I am on fulfilling my duty towards my family. I felt like I let my family down, especially towards my dad who sacrificed and spent so much for me. He was once my hero, but over time I just feel like he’s so full of himself. And I am feeling guilty because it is as if I am taking advantage of my mom’s unconditional love to help me whenever I am in trouble.

    I looked the document up on my old laptop (which was loaned by mom). It is full of files and my saved articles from the days before I met him; and during the earlier times we were together. Suddenly, the feeling of failure and remorse just rushed within me. My heart feels heavy, and I am just feeling shame and hopeless. Looking back, I am so doing way better now than I was; but I feel unsettled because it is as though me leaving and standing up for myself causes others to suffer.

    It is like, everything that I started feel like they are going to fail and that I am going nowhere – which is my biggest fear. Like, I am back to square one. Maybe my beginning is now – things fell apart, things and people who are not serving me are no longer with me. I raised my standard. I am not where I was before – and moving forward is scary. But I am not going to let this thought to hinder my progress away. I am supposed to finish writing my data analysis part. I was just full of it – the shame and the feeling like I was not good enough. I am good enough. I will complete my studies. I will run my own consultancy and IT business. I will make it as an athlete and as a fitness instructor. I will thrive financially. I will have a loving and fulfilling relationship with the man of my dream. I deserve the best that life has to offer. I deserve to live up to my full potential. Don’t look back, the time is now.

  • Hypersensitivity

    I can’t remember what inspired me to look it up, just out of the blue, this morning, I was curious if I am a hypersensitive person. When I looked up some articles, it somewhat rang true. It’s not a defect, it is just a trait. It, then, made sense why I feel so much. Why I don’t like being rushed. Why I need alone time to decompress and a lot more.

    Then, it occurred to me, he might be a hypersensitive person as well. That’s why we understand each other. But I suspect he is more sensitive than I am. If that is the case, that really sucks from his end. I mean, I feel deeply. It already feels like there is a storm inside me. I don’t know how it likes with him. Seriously, if we ever get in touch again, I would like to talk about this with him. I know he is a sensitive man. But it was like, “Oh he gets the little details”. Being hypersensitive is more than that.

    It’s a new potential answer on why am I feeling so unsettled all the time except when I sleep. In silence, there is so much noise inside. Like there are 10 people meeting and discussing whatever. Now that I am used to sit down and processing my feelings, the noise has reduced a lot. I knew deep inside that I am built differently than others. It is not I am special or gifted or something. It’s how I feel things, how I think and how I processed what’s going on outside or inside of me. This also explains why I am so easily worked up when inconvenience presents itself. I don’t remember much how I was when I was a kid. From what I remember, I have quite a tantrum last time and my mom never say ‘No’ to me. It’s quite a surprise really, of how I managed to learn taming that intensity away. But the drawback is that, though I appear calm outside, I really felt turbulent inside.

    In a way, I feel blessed with this sensitivity. I feel things. I am irreplaceable. No one can relate the way I relate with people if I really open myself up. But I am also worried if it’s going to be no good for me. Good news is, if I ever want to experience deep fulfilling love again, the sensitive type (but emotionally mature) is the kind of person that I would want to be with.

  • Vulnerable

    This track accompanied me at my most vulnerable moment where I needed to be strong and courageous. Mixed emotions. In the midst of dealing with pain from heartbreak, soldier through with the need to rest and work and feeling fear of my safety travelling alone. It’s like, survival mode 100% – no time to feel my feelings, due to the tight schedule with me dealing with my data collection work, coordinating with agencies and with enumerators. I didn’t feel like a human being at that time. On the night bus to Kunak, I feel especially weak and sad, finally feeling through my feelings in the dark. I cried only a little, but that’s okay. This song helped me to feel my humanness and the meaning of existing in this world.

    Just watched the videoclip. I don’t remember having seen it before. Kind of creepy, but really tells us we can’t turn back time. Only way is forward, and before we know it, we are leaving this planet; and that death is the only way to return. There really is no time that should be wasted.

    Return to Innocence

    Love
    Devotion
    Feeling
    Emotion

    Don’t be afraid to be weak
    Don’t be too proud to be strong
    Just look into your heart my friend
    That will be the return to yourself
    The return to innocence

    The return to innocence

    And if you want, then start to laugh
    If you must, then start to cry
    Be yourself don’t hide
    Just believe in destiny

    Don’t care what people say
    Just follow your own way
    Don’t give up and use the chance
    To return to innocence

    That’s not the beginning of the end
    That’s the return to yourself
    The return to innocence

    That’s return to innocence

  • Hello, What’s on My Mind?

    I’m feeling rather anxious right now. So many thoughts that I am processing? Maybe it’s time to stay away from social media and being so connected for awhile.

    Thoughts that trigger me from social media today:

    • I almost accidentally Liked a post of someone I didn’t follow (like sudden huge rush settling in). I didn’t check if I did though. But, I just want to think like this, if it happened, it was meant to!
    • And then, I was checking out a story from a therapist account saying that she needs to meditate more today cause so many things to get done and she wanted to sort her ‘anxies’ out. What a cute term for anxiety. So I thought, huh, anxieties are normal – I am not unwell, I was just around the wrong people and made wrong choices that generated my anxieties. Seriously, that was kind of a wake up call to me and the strategies to reduce anxieties are actually commonly practiced. It is just uncommon in my social circle.
    • I saw a post by someone I don’t know at all – not my acquaintance, like the way she presented herself was exactly like someone I knew (me!). I started to judge on how fake she was being and wrote a series of Stories on my Instagram to address how I feel about people like her. I still can’t figure out why it triggers me so much. Maybe because my ‘Fixer’ instinct is triggered to correct her and the rest of the world.
    • Things led to another, I wrote how I was working on learning self-awareness and on what are the things that nurture and hurt me, I began to think, maybe I should list that out. Yes, I definitely will.
    • Loneliness crept in, these few weeks I was noticing loud and clear on why whenever I feel vulnerable and need rescuing from my feelings, I will be reminded of him. If it’s wrong wanting my man to be my hero – I think that’s natural as a woman. I am still confused if my needs are too much or is there any method to balance this out. I definitely could sort my stuff out, but if I am coupled, I want my man to soothe me and make me feel everything is going to be fine.
    • Another post on relationship – on instead of thinking how I have lost on a good thing, I could reframe my thinking into – I dodged a bullet. Maybe he was right, though my gut is saying something else. Will I be able to fully trust my intuition? Only God knows.
    • I actually Googled how to not be jealous with married people. I want to be married when I found the right man. None of the advises or recommendations made me feel better. It’s not my time yet.
    • So the anxieties stem largely from financial insecurity – I wanted to participate in a competition in KL in October to celebrate my birthday. I think I could figure out on how to pay for those. Then again, I just remembered that I planned to go to Imbak Canyon with a friend also in October. Financially, I definitely can’t. I had to pick one of those. I really want to go compete though. I will reschedule Imbak trip, I hope my friend would be OK with it. And then, the stocks I bought aren’t performing well and I’m making a bit of loss. Maybe I should organise my investment and financial goals now that I know more tools available to grow my money.
    • Another thing that stresses me out today is on the data analysis work that I should be doing today. I have plenty of time, I’ll do it after dumping all of it here.
    • My Reyllen gears whereabout updates are not changing from the post tracker. So I have no idea when will I get them.
    • I have to cook my lunch today because I am really craving to each proper meal with rice today. But I am really lazy to wash and keep everything away.

    Out of 10, 7 of the list can be avoided if I don’t spend too much time on Internet and social media. I don’t know, I just need a break from work and training and studies. God, I want to pamper myself so much today because Tuesdays are chill days. I will spend some time for work for 2 hours and for myself for the rest of it.

    Good things that I did today:

    • During my free HPV injection today, a girl asked about what we were queueing for, and I explained to her that it’s a free HPV injection drive. She left after that. But came back to queue and got her injection after mine.
    • I managed to hang dry clean laundry that was done two days ago.
    • Did the whole athletes WOD after training today. Nice to have someone to train with me till finish. I lifted 46kg for split jerk today. I think my PR has increased from 50kg.
    • Foam roll my back, it hurt so much. So it was great that I did that.
    • The post I did on Instagram was good I think. I am going to rewrite them in a post on this website.
    • Realising that I have so much to be grateful for. My siblings, got to see my dad after a few days, received help from my brother. Cute nieces and nephews. Grateful that my grandmother is still alive and healthy. I have a place to go to if I need to sleep or eat in between work and appointments. My car, though sometimes being unknowingly crazy, is still up and running. And I still have money to spend for fuel or for food. I have all the tools to make things happen.

    So I think of my insecurities a lot. It’s hard for me to focus on what I need to do sometimes. I am on the right track and I will not mess things up. I have everything within me to make it happen. I have to trust it and trust that Allah has the best interest in me all the time. Let go of the control. Let go of uncertainties. Be fluid and focus on moving forward with grace, not by force and by doing things that hurt myself.

  • Nothing is Wrong with Wanting the Best for Myself

    It’s almost midnight. I have almost finished my chores for today except for continuing my data analysis. I’m feeling a bit tired and sleepy for that. Plus I haven’t showered, and I wanted to have a good clean hair wash today.

    The day started quite okay, then at noon bumped into familiar people and everyone’s like so nice today. I am a bit anxious by midday after calculating my finances, how much should I invest, spend and use to pay debts. I am left with just enough to pay for my fuel.

    Prepped what I needed for my meals next week, made my yogurt, roasted chicken breasts, cut a whole papaya fruit for my snacks and dinners. And managed to clean up all the mess. My goal now is to avoid delaying doing things. So it’s kind of tiring at times cause I would like to relax a bit and not getting worked up with unwashed dishes unprocessed bills and stuff. Had nice meals overall today and I’m ready to face the week!

    Sorted my balcony garden, and ordered some orchids and fertilisers pesticides stuffs for repotting later. My orchids have grown double their sizes now. I can’t wait to see spikes coming out and for them to keep growing.

    One idea I have been toying around with is to cultivate my food garden indoor because I don’t want my plants to be destroyed by the rats outside. Probably I should get some grow lights first and think of how to improve airflow inside the house. Totally need to write it down. I also next need to redo the flooring at the main room. Probably best if I move there to sleep and stuff and use my current bedroom for gardening as it has better lighting (but can be really hot too). And then I would like to add another layer of curtains like 2 feet inwards from the main window so that I can let some sunlight in without getting too much sun (double protection). So much to do, the house is still in much clutter but it’s still organised.

    Doing the whole thing is really non-stimulating, I started to get bored and in need to escape. I played some games, updated my Instagram account. Oh yeah, I have yet to write about my data collection journey. And then looking at one post I did a while a go when I did my data collection in Kudat – that was the last post when we were still talking. Mixed feeling came rushing in. I missed him so much. The last time we met was in June. He blocked me dead for a month plus already. Sometimes I feel guilty for being such a confronting bitch, but I have the right to express myself and asking for what I want and what I need. I don’t know how he’s doing. Deep inside, I feel that this might be it. Maybe it’s the best time, it’s gonna end anyway so might as well I feel all the hurt and detach now rather than later. Yeah, almost 5 years of friendship and love gone down the drain.

    I will meet the man of my dreams, and live a fulfilling life with the love of my life. I am proud of the woman that I am now and I will achieve what I needed to function at my best for me and for my purpose whatever that is in the future. I will get a new car to drive next year, and my income will reach within what I have targeted. Allah will help me if my intention is pure. I just need to stay calm and stay on my lane. It’s gonna work out.

    There is nothing wrong with me. I just stepped out of my old programming and just happens some people are not okay with it. Just look forward with my head held high and get on with life like I always do. I am going to be good.

  • End of Data Collection

    Today I have started to update my thesis draft on sampling and really articulating my method. I panicked a little when I found some references using 385 as minimum sample (by Cochran’s formula). Then again, after looking elsewhere, if I have 350 sample, that would be enough. If referring to cultivation land areas, I have just enough data but that’s ok. I am happy where I am at now.

    So relieved and I am actually looking forward to do random sampling and do my actual analysis. Other than structural model analysis, I gotta find out how to calculate the technological readiness index (TRI) as well as reporting cluster by cluster.

    I feel slightly sad that my data collection is over now. I actually enjoyed doing it and met with so many people out of my usual social circle. It’s a mixed feeling but in my gut I feel that I’m going to be here for a while. It’s like there’s unfinished business for me and the community. I feel like my life has more purpose now.

    I hope the data analysis reveals a lot more than what I initially found. I am just feeling content. Would like to write more later about my data collection adventure!

  • Learning about the East Coast People

    Having mingled with different cultures from different districts within the east coast side of Sabah since last week has opened my eyes to the livelihood and the ways of the society here. I learnt new things about the borders, the mix of ethnicities of each district, the way they built their houses and their passion for their community. I thought I have had it figured out already, then again, after today’s experience on the bus I took travelling from Tawau and Sandakan has somewhat given me more clues on what entails the people at the east coast at large.

    During my trip today, I sat next to an aunt, she’s like so restless and unsettled. At first, I didn’t want to bother talking to her. Just exchanged short remarks when she needed my response or asking for something. Then, after lunch time, we began to chat. We chatted all the way from Silam Lahad Datu up until we both arrived at the bus terminal in Sandakan. That was like 3 hours and more of conversation. I have never talked with someone that long before. I guess, we were kind of stuck next to each other and just talk. The guy next to me, on the other aisle of seat, I suspect, was eavesdropping on us.

    The aunt came back to Sabah to visit her sick mother after 13 years of being away. Midway through our conversation, she mentioned about having moved different districts and talked about base camp, I was like, “Were you in the army?”. I tried so hard not to laugh. And then, she began to recall on her youth and childhood growing up in the east, about her family, her family home, her sibling – it was so similar to him. I was like, what are the odds, right? I was supposed to board on a different bus, but decided against and was seated next to her. God must be telling me something. What I noticed about these guys in the army, they are great conversationalist. They are very bright, easygoing and dedicated people – maybe they have to be like that since they meet and work with so many people within their organisation. I don’t know yet what this is all about if I want to be paranoid and overthink – maybe because I dreamt of him last night and we were ok in my dream, and I missed him so much.

    Anyways, it was so interesting – it’s like having a guided tour on a bus while we pass by the road from Lahad Datu to Kinabatangan up to Sandakan. Then she proceeded to show me the houses of the relatives of her ex-husband. She earlier showed the old routes leading to mechanical towing bridge that were used in the 80s and some up to the 90s. Development came to east coast quite very much later than the west. It’s like, we are a generation apart in terms of modernisation and change of lifestyle. Looking at all the palm oil estates, I couldn’t help but wonder how it felt for him to stay and work in one of those. One information that really caught my attention was about how the Madai Cave bird’s nest can only be harvested by Idahan people, and the characters of an Idahan man. I searched about it on Google, I was so mindblown how interconnected they are with the caves along the east coast. I must go some time to visit these caves and find out more. Idahan people are one of the earliest civilised tribe in Sabah. I have never known any one of them. I would be interested to date one of them in the future.

    It just felt so different today, I felt like I was so interconnected with the aunt, we talked as if we have known each other for a long time. Just the same vibe I had with him, and some other men I’ve known from the navy base. It could be because we all left our homes from a very young age. We missed out on growing up like other people in the comfort of our homes and community – while us, we had to fend for ourselves and ignore what’s true to us until the struggle is over and it’s time to go home. Maybe Allah wants to show me that we were both traumatised beings and what we had, me and himself, while it’s healing to both of us, was just a typical dynamics if I have met other people with similar trauma and that it was not that special at all. Don’t know if that’s the case, but to have written this long about the conversation on the bus with that aunty, it truly was a significant moment for me. Thank you Allah for this feeling and for today’s discovery.

  • Lifestyle Polarity

    Halfway in Week 2 of my data collection processes. It has been so draining mentally and physically (and financially), but oddly enough so fulfilling to my soul.

    I mingled with farmers and all from various districts, and like, so jealous of them. They don’t earn much, but they looked as if they’re pretty fulfilled with their life. Maybe from the outside. But I could feel and see how great the power of community in front of my eyes. It was something my late grandpa lived for. Live in kampung and be together with his community. Unlike me, it’s like always looking out for something, for what? Maybe I’m looking for validation that I’m a valuable person.

    I feel like a fake person, so engrossed with social media and my little bubble of self-preservation against I don’t know what real threats I could be facing. I am so connected to many people in such a short time. Almost all of the respondents earn just slightly more or less than I am, yet they survive, built a family and work in the farm as usual. I wonder what makes them so strong. Why am I so different than they are?

    I thought to myself, maybe cause I have lived abroad and experienced the best of both worlds. I have an overall idea how to get ahead in life. Why do I need to be ‘ahead’ though. What’s wrong with me right NOW? I am so thankful for my parents hard work to raise my siblings and I, but to me, they didn’t emphasis so much on what it means to be human and be a part of a community.

    This whole experience is so humbling to me and make me want to reassess how I live my life, my values and priorities. I already have what I need to lead a meaningful life. I don’t need much. I just need to do what is right for me and what makes me happy with the people or my community around me.

    I am just so grateful of this journey. It just has opened up my eyes to so many things about life. My worries are too small (but need to address) compared to the farmers that I have met. Despite of all the lackings in their lives, they still survive and are doing well. I would be OK too. Thank you Allah.