Tag: reflection

  • What’s My Issue? New Year Check

    I was having a temporary misalignment last night. I have been containing my suffering from feeling burnout mentally and physically this month. I am grateful that I have people to talk to about my problems especially working as a fitness professional. Essentially, anything big or small that triggers or inconveniences me made it felt like a huge deal. Some of the things that trigger me these days are when I come upon any writing on something that made me question my decision that is against my will, but is the right thing to do. I don’t want to minimise my feelings, just at time, I am double-checking the root cause of why I am feeling off in a moment (emotion = energy in motion).

    About a few weeks ago, I have been trying to rest like really have quality rest to recover my body and my mind afresh. Managed to do that, despite of that, however, I still managed to have that off feeling. Upon reflecting and after doing some reading, I was actually facing emotional void. For the first time I could actually relate to and like meet it face to face, and recognising that this is it. I have read about it years ago when I had that cloudy and overwhelmed feelings – but these I thought are the results of my burnouts and nervous system dysregulation as I was consistently on the go and being in survival mode. Now that I have got it sorted, almost, it’s the void that I have to deal with now. It is confusing and an uncharted territory to me to feel this void – I kept going outwards to give my attention to – to keep me busy, from what I am going to reveal next.

    It occurs to me today, after some reflection, I was like, why am I still getting myself bothered on other people’s business that has nothing to do with me? So, I was intentionally not making myself a victim like thinking about why certain people could not change, of how people don’t appreciate me enough, on how certain people need to fix themselves. Instead, I switch the focus on myself – what is it about me that care so much about what other people are doing, that has nothing to do with me and out of my control? This is not foreign to me, but it just shows I am not used to and comfortable with fixing my own problems. It is easier to look at other people’s flaws and insecurities and try to ‘help’ and ‘fix’ them, than doing that for myself. Again, whenever I am feeling vulnerable, I look outwards rather than inwards to regulate my feelings and emotions. When I don’t get anything externally, I am feeling sad and frustrated.

    It is so apparent that I am that ‘fixer’ and that is why, combined with my hypersensitivity, I am very good at listening and help people where they need it the most. Like I can really read them well and come up with SWOT analysis mentally in my head. At first, I didn’t identify myself as having this character. The more I think of my dynamics with other people that I relate with on day-to-day basis, the more apparent that I might relate with people by unconsciously trying to fix them as well. Like, the thing with my sister, my family, my role as a trainer, software engineer (like hello, we do problem-solving and fixing as a living) and troublesome men. On the good side, it is needed to help those who are lost and need some perspectives to solve their problems; and great for nurturing careers. And this strengthens my choice on focusing on becoming a consultant! On the other hand, doing that excessively, is kind of disrespectful on limiting other people’s ability and learning processes to be accountable and responsible for themselves and their actions. Just that I need to practice and set my boundaries of what to care on and what is not my business.

    Now, I have all the time in the world for me, it’s my time, and I have my own issues and challenges that I have got to face. The month of January is really hectic and I have not done yet with writing my plans for the next 3 years (I have got to, time is running out.). Probably, this is also the reason I am feeling like I am not going anywhere – still lack of focus and direction. The other day, I dreamt that my mom told me I have a baby daughter which I didn’t get to meet in that dream (and probably out of wedlock cause my mom was horrified when I broke the news out of excitement to my grandmother, too funny!). As I searched on the internet on what my subconscious was trying to tell me, it could be that I am beginning to grow as a new person and that what I have been building is slowly coming into fruition. My gut is telling me that I am on the right track. My vision is clear. The things to work on now are mostly on finishing what I have started, removing distractions, making my days more efficient and to stay disciplined and healthy for years to come.

  • Imago Relationship Theory

    I spent the past few days to rest and do nothing (despite of deadlines of my studies tasks but I know I could get it done real fast when I’m more regulated). Just started to feel the panic attack symptoms again. Good thing though I am more prepared this time to not focus so much on it and calm myself down. I finished 2 books and 1 that really create more awareness in me on how I relate with people. The book is an old-school relationship therapy one, Getting the Love You Want by Dr Harville Hendrix and his wife Dr Helen Hunt. So many have recommended on the book, I just finally managed to get and read it.

    It started with how childhood upbringing affects how we react or relate to others – this one is not so foreign to me as it’s gaining more popularity now. First, I was mostly affected by a mythical story on how a character (I forgot the name) who has 4 limbs (arms/legs) as a whole creature was split into two and thrown into earth. Then, it spent its life looking for its other half. The author described a good analogy on how an individual who was whole when he or she was born, but slowly losing wholeness due to events that represses the other half of an individual that touched around taboo issues, socialisation to be accepted in a community or a group that do not accept a person’s authentic individuality. The repressed or lost self then is the other half that we all keep searching for – mostly in a form of another person that we keep mistaken as ‘soul mate’, because essentially our soul that we are born with are lost and we want to be healed and be whole again. Using the story of mythical creature made me see and understand all clear and vivid on why I unconsciously am attracted to only a certain type of people.

    The Imago Relationship Theory talks about the phenomenon that we normally unconsciously pick a partner that closely resembles our parents – with all their good and bad traits. When we are mistreated by a partner, our pain caused by bad memories with our parents is activated and the body sends distressed feelings for fear of safety or death. That is why it feels so painful when I sense mistreatment from someone closest to me. I knew that I really need to dissect what really has happened and went on with me in my childhood. I used to think that I had an awesome one because I had plenty of time to play and were always surrounded with my cousins. I think what really screwed our upbringing stability, my siblings and I, was that mom had to go abroad to study and left us for a few years being taken care of by our maid and grandparents. And then after she got home, we moved to a new place which was much less nicer than our previous home (I think my parents were mostly stressed out during these times, economic bubbles and crash; while taking care of 6 growing children who need more resources and attention for school and education, teenage rebellious hormones etc), and I was sent to boarding school. I had many lovely memories with my parents, they really are not bad at all at parenting and providing – as they are also humans struggling with their own issues, a few crucial things were overlooked. Just to be more aware on my wound and triggers (by no mean I am being disrespectful, hurtful or petty towards my parents, I am so grateful that they have raised me so well), I am listing down what I liked and what I disliked about my parents and my childhood.

    Like list:

    • I like that my dad spent time to play with all of us – some incidents that I remember, he built a makeshift tent at our lawn, made paper kites for us to play on windy days, took us out to the beach on weekends, taught us to catch small fish from the stream
    • Dad is a nostalgic person – he recorded each of our memories going out, our achievements at school etc
    • He bought a bike and sent me to school every morning when I was 7
    • He cared about nurturing my intelligence and academic talents – he made wooden blackboard and dedicated to teach me maths in the evening whenever he could
    • He was really open and didn’t really shove gender roles expectations towards me, like pressuring me to be all demure and nice. I never had those dolls or other girly toys when I was a kid – not that I remember of. He gave me books, piggy banks, the ‘H’ building block sets that I really loved. He just let me play with my boy cousins doing whatever around his parents’ house whenever we had gatherings.
    • He is meticulous on cleanliness, his environment or who he associates with
    • He overall is a great provider financially
    • About mom, she is the nicer parent in my eyes
    • She acknowledged my presence and responded whenever I needed her
    • I thought she was the most gentle and beautiful woman in my eyes when I was a kid (well, mom is pretty and still look youthful for her age)
    • She collected stamps from all over the world when she was abroad cause she knew I loved collecting stamps (but the collection was ruined cause my brother threw it into swamp in one of our disagreements)
    • She rarely declines my requests or need for help
    • One of the memories that I would never forget is when one afternoon we were in my parents’ room and she scribbled a picture of me with pencil on paper.
    • She appreciates beautiful things and loves pampering me with girly beautiful stuffs like clothes, shoes, bags whatever.
    • She is creative with so many hobbies and crafts

    Dislike list:

    • Dad can be self-centered and insensitive to my feelings
    • He often dismissed what I had to say when trying to join in his conversation which left me feeling stupid and not making sense or feeling like I don’t have conversational skills
    • He does not know how to treat me like a daughter, does not show love, respect nor appreciation of my individuality
    • He often changes his mind on something making me feel confused at times
    • Fragile ego
    • Angry, lashed out on others, hypervigilant and short-fused – later acted normal as if he did not do anything outrageous that hurt us
    • Think he is the only one who is right
    • Mom doesn’t deal with things or difficult issues – rather let things solve itself (or other people jumping in to help)
    • She represses her authentic self – very different person at home, with friends and with her family
    • She does not really fight for what she wants and needs
    • She is not consistent – easily swayed by the mass or external circumstances
    • She does not see herself as a person capable of agency, often does not know what she wants and relies on others to influence her actions or decisions
    • She is chronically stressed and hides it
    • She can be disorganised
    • She can be petty and manipulative
    • She just hides herself as a person behind her role as a mother, wife, daughter, sister or whatever role she acknowledges herself as.
    • She can be overly critical of me and on how I do things
    • She can be persistent and tactical to get what she wants. Sometimes I don’t know her acting like a helpless person is because she really feels helpless or just an act to get us involved

    Often when I was little, I got frustrated with my parents and wanted to run away either to my mom’s parents house or my dad’s sister house who lives nearby with her family. I don’t recall my dad being close to his siblings due to him himself, often was away from his childhood home, except with one or two elder sisters. I think I have to add 4 more guardians that forms my childhood experience as well which 3 of them have passed away.

    • My aunt, who had worked in a bank that time. I view her as a smart career woman. She was chatty, funny and outgoing. We maintained relationship until the time she passed away this year.
    • Her husband, very nice man so different than my dad. He was lively, expressive and put his heart on his sleeves. I totally felt love and joy interacting with him as a kid. He loved us girls but could be critical to his sons.
    • My mom’s mother – she is the ultimate housewife and caregiver, model eldest daughter. Very disciplined and organised with chores and also has a lot of hobbies and skills. She is a very talented woman. She loves to cook us food but can be a bit dictatorial with us when we girls are not doing our functions as a lady, who cooks and serves men food and drinks – all the traditional role of a woman as nurturer and childbearer. I remember when I stayed with my grandparents, I had joined her everyday to the mosque for Maghrib prayers; went for all the weddings, gatherings whatever functions in the village. I spent a lot of time alongside her when I was not at school as I was the good helpful obedient smart first granddaughter. I learnt about how to earn money from her. She could be a bit prideful, as I remembered she scolded me when a teacher lent me a clothing item for a performance, saying to return it back and that we can afford to buy those for ourselves. I didn’t understand her sentiment that time but I felt that my grandmother has endured so much to become that way. Nonetheless, I often feel her love and warmth whenever I visited her.
    • My mom’s father – a retired teacher; he was a popular, artsy and charming man. Literally everyone who is a retired teacher or in their 50s and above in Sabah knows him or had been his student. He was a good storyteller and often so interested in what happened around him. I love that he was so fun to be around with and easy to talk to. His life was simple, tend to his farm in the morning till afternoon, home by lunch hour to eat and nap, out again and be back by dusk for prayers. He taught us on how to read the Quran when I was little. He was very comfortable being around us and his daughters, often teasing us; but sometimes I didn’t appreciate when he compared me with my mom cause my mom, according to him, was the most beautiful girl in the village before she got married. I didn’t really understand his character but he was fun to be with and often were up for some adventures for us kids. As I got older into adulthood, I feel that he became a bit critical of me for not leading a traditional life, not being married at a certain age and do not have a stable career (like working 9-5 or in government sectors). Both him and my grandmother had this scarcity mindset when it comes to money – probably because they have to raise 9 children together that time.

    I do not know yet what can I do with these information as I have not yet finished reading the book. At least I am aware what my triggers are now. As I reflected on my teenager and undergraduate student phase, I felt so odd and outcast, normally hid myself towards what I am good at – getting good grades. I remember feeling so much shame and guilt for not studying on a movie night at school that I skipped movie and decided to study. The thought in my head was, my mom deceived the scholarship provider by altering my guardian details, I didn’t deserve the scholarship and I must do well in studies so that I will not abuse the taxpayer’s money to fund my studies. This was when I was 14 years old. I was so angsty and rebellious during this phase – hormonal and not understanding myself and upset that people did not understand me. I think the school had aggravated my already self-conscious overwhelmed with unworthiness self a lot more. I found solace with a small group of friends in marching band and a teacher who had helped me a lot at school. I wasn’t at peace. In addition to the stressors of blending in with students with competitive and high performing mindset, I was deceived to sacrifice my appreciation of my beauty (my aunt told me it’s mandatory to cover my hair, when that was not the truth). I know this might sound funny and trivial, but I was not happy looking like an aunt who didn’t know how to style her hijab that time.

    Looking back, I think I should not punish my parents harshly for what happened to me. They pretty much accepted my anger, fashion sense and all. They provided me the best they could and still does when I need it. They just don’t know how to connect to my soul on a deeper level – like acknowledge my struggles, actually putting in more effort to show support in everything I do – not only on those that they agree with, being less critical of my choices, not putting so much pressure towards me to earn high income and respectable society status; as what they had projected towards my siblings. Among contributing factors are the boarding school system which is supposed to be the best and elite in the country, immature adults, distorted religious beliefs, temporary neglect when my parents were in tough times that I have dealt with that had scarred and changed the way I was. No one was present to be with me and teach me how to deal with my vulnerabilities facing my challenges and struggles. I was left with myself to make sense of things and learn how to survive – at least this is how I see my story. Probably in many years to come, I might see it differently, hopefully for the better.

  • Good to Great by Jim Collins

    Finally finished the book after reading for more than 3 months. I am a bit agitated today trying to solve the kitchen drain problem to no avail. I decided to let it go and try again another day. Aimed to finish reading the book, at least I did something value-adding activities and just cross one of the pending stuffs today. Anyways, drain problem aside, my day is kind of productive in food-prep department so I am not worried if I am going to be malnourished for the next few weeks.

    Back to the book, it is about strategies or roadmap on how companies could be good from great. It has exhaustive illustrative examples on companies that succeeded and failed – very balanced and practical analysis, in my opinion. To sum up, to become good, there are 5 components that need to be present:

    • Level 5 leadership – leaders who are humble, visionary and authentic, realistic, brave to face harsh truth but remain faithful to goals.
    • Have the right people on the bus and discard the wrong people
    • Hedgehog concept – what we are good at, what we can be the best at, what are our economic engine (very nuanced and interesting concept)
    • Discipline culture – having disciplined people on the bus reduce the need to micromanage and can focus on strategies (again relate back with second point)
    • Technology as enabler (expand operation, simplify processes, increases productivity and profit)

    To build a great company, following the roadmap is not enough. The company must consistently build up what they are doing good at, that propels them towards their goals. The book introduces ‘Flywheel’ concept. That each momentum of buildup has to be iterated consistently like a pendulum, or a flywheel. Key thing is, there has to be momentum to keep improving, perfecting and progressing. Great companies don’t suddenly transform via flashy gimmicks or outrageous strategy overnight. It takes years of continuous improvement to arrive at where they are. As the book depicts, imagine an egg incubating before it hatches. People only notice when the egg cracks. No one can see the whole growing process within the egg during incubation. That concept appeals so much to me.

    Having read the book made me briefly think of what I am doing now. Do I want to make my fitness career or my IT consultancy thrive? How am I going to do both side by side? I must think hard and ask myself what I really need right now to get where I want to be. Fitness is all fun and great, but for now I don’t see stability and much growth in it for me; but it’s great to build a healthier community. Consultancy needs crazy networks and resources to even start up. I really want to do both but slowly adding more focus on consultancy. I know how to do both, I just need people and reflect back on the Hedgehog concept. What’s next, I got to create structure on the fitness side, simplify processes and redefine what are my goals for it to become a great enterprise to build what it has been doing; for consultancy, I am going to research my products and offerings for easy kickstart.

  • Mid December Dumps

    Typical stay-in on Sunday. Initially wanted to go out to my parents after I’m done with my chores today, I decided not to because I didn’t feel like going out anymore. What has been up? For the past few weeks, I was just trying to reconfigure my life again so that I am not all over the place. Life is still overwhelming as usual, but I guess I am feeling happier – apprehensive for what’s to come next year; and most of the difficult stuffs that I struggled with had all been done and dusted. Mixed feelings and experiences, I don’t have to write it down in a structured way – though I criticise myself a bit for still wanting to be organised, even with writing this simple post; I guess I have to accept that this is just the way I am. So, let’s just keep it structured.

    What’s great:

    • Paid my viva voce fees
    • Had a nice evening yesterday at Christmas carolling with the ladies that I teach at the gym
    • My body composition is going more towards my goals – gained loads muscles and lose body fat. I think my nutrition strategy worked. Will test again for the next few months.
    • My body is adjusting to my more intense training and physical activities now – and I kind of have a routine to reset and recover so that my body remains resilient
    • Broke my 2k income target for the 2nd month
    • Spent more time with my family; however, haven’t seen my grandma and other relatives for months
    • I stood up for myself and that felt great
    • My relationships with the people I meet from my fitness circle are getting better
    • Organised and clean my house today, all the stuff I want to do all done

    What’s not great:

    • Pending 1 more assignment which is already due
    • Still have viva voce to face, create my presentation slides and practice. After all the troubles to get this far, it still is so overwhelming – I just don’t want to deal with this at the moment
    • Just feeling anxious to face the week – it’s gonna be a busy one and I’m not ready to get busy
    • I am feeling not fully recharged and ready yet to face the week – mainly because I haven’t finished my assignment and presentation slides that I want to get done by this week
    • Despite of my life getting much simpler and slower, I am still feeling overwhelmed.
    • I have yet to write my 2025 plan and review my 2024 progress
    • Again, yes, so much things to do, but little time and energy to do them all
    • And so much stuffs to buy but not enough cash for now to get them

    I was thinking about who am I right now – how far have I grown. This was triggered as I watched a socks brand advertisement punishing people they label as ‘Normies’ and approving people with outrageous aesthetics. Normal people are not necessarily bland, every individual is unique and has own quirks. I so disagreed with the ads, and it really irritated me for being so judgmental. Then I asked myself, have I become a boring person as I don’t fancy being weird and upbeat anymore (like, serious questions). My conclusion on this now, there are 2 types of people, traditional and weird people. I’d like to think that I am more into the traditional type, then again, I definitely am not a boring person. I just prefer more structure and stability, rather than drama and uncertainty. I am extremely creative, still open to learning new things, new experiences and some adventure.

    I thought about what’s my goal for next year. My main objective is definitely on creating stability. I think for my development plan for next year is developing strategies on how to transition my life from surviving towards growth, improving my life standards for a bit. Like the food I eat, which area of my life should I prioritise, making my house more homely and comfortable, investment and saving goals, my wardrobe, my appearance. I feel like I am ready to be that Nurul who enjoys life, going out and about; and always dress well again. I can’t imagine how I got the time to apply make up on all the time even just for going to class last time. I want to wear nice clothes and shoes; and hanging out with my friends again. I am letting go that survival phase Nurul that I have to pull through to get by. Thank you for that version of me for hanging on. It’s time to move forward and thrive. I believe in you (myself!).

  • Sudden Wave of Grief

    Today, it hits hard. Like a 3-storey wave hits the shore. That’s okay, just like waves, this feeling will come and go. I have been sick and am dealing with insecurities and losses at the moment, and it just doesn’t help that I have been having odd dreams and just some reminders of him now and then after a long while. I looked for answers why it’s so hard to detach. What does it says about me? What does the losing of the relationship subconsciously symbolise? My best guess is stability and probably happiness. But more of stability. Maybe if I work hard to achieve that I would be slightly better.

    Life has been really testing lately but also I have good people around me, so that helps a lot. The usual ups and downs. I really am growing and moving forward now, so it’s up to me to get myself ready and rise to the occasion. That aside, I seriously want to process this grief I am feeling today. I was checking my thesis draft just now, and just chilling listening to a really catchy cheerful happy love song, and surprise, my heart twitched and felt hard, just as a flash of him coming to my mind. My face warmed up and I cried. These few days I really went hard to stay focused and only listened to black metal songs. When I decided to take it easy, this happened. Funny thing is I play that cheerful song all the time at the gym. It’s when I need to hang on and I feel like I’m about to hit rock bottom, I would be reminded of him a lot. Instead of rationalising, today, I decided to feel and surrender. Probably it will always be a part of me, and the feelings won’t probably go away. Like how my anxiety and neuroticism will always be a part of me. Once I acknowledge that, I will be able to manage my emotions better.

    It is okay. I am human with deep feelings. At least I don’t run away anymore. Everything is going to turn out just fine. Feel all the feels and let them free.

  • Mid-November Things

    This month so many things to deal with. I feel like I pretty much autopilot things one at a time. And a lot of things to prepare, like I start to think on my transition as a consultant after I graduated from my studies. Yes, it is beginning to get so real! I am so excited and looking forward to hand in my completed thesis. Just 2 more easy assignments need to hand in as soon as I can.

    I have been not well these few days due to late rests at night and the weather is just crazy. Just that this month, I have been receiving new customers at the gym and people querying about personal training. I am just observing the trend, not concluding anything yet. And I am feeling anxious a bit because I am handling quite a number of new people at the moment. As a coach, I learn new things for myself as well, like reminding myself as my role to guide, not to force people when making choices for themselves; and secondly, to not project my limitations onto others. Like, I have energy and sensitivity limitations – and it’s different from others especially those younger than me. So I must also consider that when making recommendations. Dealing with people is tiring but manageable for me right now.

    Largely, I want to grow, but I am feeling insecure right now with a lot of things. But I guess, no one is perfect. As long as I’m doing my best, that’s good enough. Handling a gym on my own requires so much energy and when I fall sick, I just teach and show up with reluctance – luckily not resentment towards others, knowing full well that I should stay in and recover. I want to do so much for people and that stresses me out so much more.

    My finance is slowly recovering this month, I managed to pay some debts and my bills and still have enough for the next 2 weeks for my next pay. Unexpectedly yesterday I received red letter, the notice to cut supply if I don’t settle my outstanding amount. It’s not much but now I know that my bills need to get cleared monthly. Very well noted. I just paid without hesitation and left with a few bucks to survive on. It’s OK, I am still learning. I will get better at this.

    What I need to do is to sit down, and review and update my list. Now it’s all over my head, I don’t have facts of everything. Still I gotta focus and prioritise. What’s happening now, is I begin to grow, and I need to be more efficient as I am handling more tasks at the moment. I need to sort out my finances record so that I can see where I can limit and where spending should grow.

    This weekend is all about reflection, recovery and preparation. Yesterday, I really had a nice time going out for movies with the ladies from gym and their kids. It’s so heartwarming when one of the ladies who invited us said that we are all part of her family. We watched a Christmas movie, Red One, it was very nice and entertaining, though I feel it’s really not for teenagers viewers, but whatever. I was naturally drawn to the main character (cause it’s Chris Evans) – adventurous laid back but genius dude, anddd unavailable man as well. Funny it got me thinking, why am I attracted to these guys a lot. Those I have met so far just like ones and zeros – ranging from too normal, predictable, keen and too flighty, flaky, directionless. Should I resort to normal boring men, no freaking way, I would not be able to live with myself that way. That’s okay, I have not meet my person yet. Just don’t settle okay. Anyways, towards the end of the movie, it shows that behind every prick, there’s an unhealed child inside them (Chris Evans character as a small boy shown talking to his kid in that movie). It was a touching moment, and I caught the lady next to me wiped her tears. I don’t know if she’s reminded of her youth, or her son. When I reflect back onto myself, I picture myself as a small little girl who is alone at a yard doing her own thing after school, building makeshift stuffs out of wood, sand and soil and sticks minding her own business on her own. I want to know this girl. I think I haven’t healed her. Thinking of this makes me feel sad, but that’s okay, I’m going to deal with it.

    So yeah, gutted that I’m sick, while having to figure out tricky people handling stuff is exhausting. I got to hang on for a few more months and focus on one thing at a time. I don’t know if I could actualise the life that I want in this lifetime, but I will keep trying till my last breath. That’s the promise I make to myself. So yeah, focus on one thing at a time.

  • I Am Exactly Where I Need to Be

    Been wanting to write for a while. Have gone through some nice weeks prior and things are moving so fast that I need to process things for a bit. Took a break from training post-competition to reset my body and nervous system – seriously I was struck with one after another, thesis, training, classes, travelling on survival mode; and to unexpectedly received surprise messages – the usual hi and gone stuff; on the eve of my birthday, seriously? When I wanted to just be friendly and show that I feel happy for you for starting class, suddenly I got blocked again. Do you see your communication pattern? That drives me mad, but I am not gonna be affected by those anymore. Everything from you doesn’t have any clear context on me, as the recipient of your interaction.

    Now, that’s out of my system, I want to process on how sweet my brother has been for repairing my old little car on his own (it’s already 19 years old this year). He has been trying to fix it for weeks and spent so many to buy the tools and parts to help me. Funny thing too, my dad starts to join him outside at the porch with a cup of coffee in his hands, watching my brother fixing the car. Earlier, weeks way before, my brother told me he was ushered on wheelchair to the ICU, paralysed, as his blood pressure sky-rocketed to 250. As a fitness trainer, I know how urgently he needs intervention to care for himself. I told him to take things slow and don’t stress too much. He has done so much already. And then, I began to talk about our shared childhood trauma and how it affected us as adults interfering with our lives and causes unnecessary stress and hypervigilance. He didn’t want to listen to me at first, but I kept talking anyways – deep inside I know he felt shame and anger, or something else, as he kept asking me questions about our childhood and how it affects us. I told him to go do some searching on “childhood neglect” and “childhood trauma”; and that if he has the budget to go see therapist. I have been wanting to see one, but for now books and alternative means have helped me a lot so far. The pain of being in relationships with wounded/dysfunctional/abusive people have really forced me to think and find what’s wrong with me for choosing to be with them and to finally find ways to heal my trauma.

    So, back to my brother, I worry so much for him. I hope he could come and train with me to improve his health. A few days back, we were having lunch outside while waiting for my car tire replacement to finish at a workshop, and he brought up the topic about childhood trauma again. I am happy that he finally understands that there’s nothing wrong with him and that it’s the trauma responses that made us respond to things the way we do. I am glad that he gets the understanding that it’s not our parents’ fault either as they, too, at that time, wouldn’t have known better. Having that conversation, I hope he understands the pain that I have gone through upon knowing that everything I knew about myself was wrong for the past 38 years and that I have to isolate myself and rebuild a life and identity that is true to me at my core. After that conversation, I feel like I wanted to hug my brother (but I didn’t), it feels like he was that small little boy again who I need to protect as a big sister. I want him to know, that he can come to me and talk to me about anything that bothers him – same goes to my other siblings.

    Other than the stuff about my brother, I sort of feel that I am getting better at delivering a good class. My endurance has gone down a bit due to long rest, but being able to teach engaging 5 BodyPump classes in a week, on top of my regular Putatan classes is such a win for me this week. The new release is so hard. So this time, my focus is for my participants to gradually build in their strength injury free, find which area that is challenging to them and focus on diverting their fatigue to their technique and to feel the load as stimulator, not as something to avoid. I am just so grateful with this job and the crowd there, these guys have helped me in believing in my own strength and power as a person. Also, had a nice mamak dinner after gym cleaning with the ladies I teach in Putatan. I feel that it’s scary that we all are getting along better and getting closer, that my reaction was to immediately put boundaries and put up a wall so that they don’t know me that much despite of me telling hefty things about myself to them. Maybe it’s the reaction from being used to people taking advantage of me. I preached a lot about the nervous system, to avoid being in an overdrive – I hope someday they would get what I mean. I am also happy that I see a lot of progress for each of them, proving that their trainings start to trigger changes towards their body. I have just started to build my strength to getting back to CrossFit training, hopefully I would have enough to pay for gym fees and start training again by next week. The drills that my coaches gave me have helped me a lot and I see a lot of improvements on my technique and that my physique has changed a bit (I think my abs muscles, those forming six packs have grown a bit; and my shoulders width – the lats area, is a bit broader than before). My focus this time would be more on skills and actually finish all the prescribed conditioning workouts.

    My thesis has gone to the backseat a bit as I focus on finishing the last module that I have to attend and redo. Today’s class was the last one. I really enjoyed the sessions – it’s more like a study group environment rather than a full-blown lecture. The lecturer was so good and encouraging to everyone – even towards those who made outright mistakes in their presentations (but as a trainer, I am so used to correcting people real time, that I had to point out what could be done to improve their work – not apologising, I am just a direct person). I have been having this imposter syndrome, keep questioning myself if I am doing the right thing with my research, my framework and all – having interacted with her, and receving her feedback after presenting my work, I am now more confident with what I am doing. She explicitly tells everyone this – “Now I believe that she does her own work for her thesis, she really knows what she’s doing and she’s a very hardworking person.” Hearing that from someone I admire and respect, is so validating. Half of the postgraduate lecturers there know who I am and who my parents are, they might expect something lesser of me. I believe I do my best whenever I can with whatever resources I have to make it happen with the help and support of people around me. I am a person of effort; I am capable and I can do this! At the end of our class, the lecturer asked for feedback, and when its my turn, I just started saying how thankful I am for the class and the lecturer and my voice began to crack! I just almost cried but I kept myself composed, paused and talked slowly. I was surprised because it happened a lot when I talk about my research or anything to do with my studies. That’s how deep my feelings and attachment are to my research after all the things I have gone through to come this far. I still don’t know what that means.

    Overall, I really did have a nice weekend that temporary water disruption did not water down my contentment! I am not as fatigue this week, I take care of regulating my nervous systems, I get things done, I nurture my relationship with my family, secured a few new clients to train with me and made new friends. Today I realised, everything is already lined up for me. I just need to prepare myself to face them and follow through what is in store for me in the near future. I don’t have to worry if I would make it in each area of my life – everything will happen when it’s time. I just need to focus, keep building to be the best version of me that I can be and be ready to hit the gas for what’s to come in time. I feel that I have grown and healed so much from my old self. Thank you Allah for helping me.

  • Noisy September

    It’s the final week of September already. So much went on this month. I’m just feeling overwhelmed day in day out. In dire need of a long break but I need to hold on until my thesis is submitted and after Hopper Warrior finishes.

    What went on this month:

    Data collection and data analysis consumed so much of my time and energy. And then, to actually write and compile my thesis altogether. Today I am finalising the structure and contents of Chapter 4 before actually write the whole thing. Anxiety level up to the roof and I think I’m experiencing shutdowns as my brain refuse to think and focus without donuts and iced coffee. Last time, I used to smoke a lot to defuse my emotion. But I’m not going to do that again.

    Physically used up after Borneo Pangazou’s event mid September, 1 week recovery and training again. It’s week 1 out of 3 weeks plan. I’m beyond exhausted already. 2 weeks to go. More expenses on fuel and food. Must do daily stretch and massages for quick recovery measures. It’s Saturday, good thing class was cancelled this morning so I had plenty of rest at home but still need to catch up on sleep. My relationship with the people at the gyms I go to also has gotten closer. They really are my emotional support system these days.

    The gym in Putatan is slowly gaining traction. For that, I’m so grateful. We got new equipments (so much drama on how they were under my responsibilities, good thing a good soul helped me out). I managed to code a simple apps to record class attendance which helped a lot in my communications with instructors and gym members. Dealing with people, though I’m good at it, is so mentally exhausting. The late drive home 3-4 times a week is tiring too. More stuff to do to improve with newbies orientation and marketing stuffs. Hope I could still use the place for a long time.

    Other than that, I think I’m also exhausted at monitoring my investments as last few weeks my stocks were not performing well. But I learnt a lot about investing. I thought to myself, had I known about it years earlier, I would be in a much better place financially today. Also, managed to restructure my study loan repayment. At last, I’m able to continue paying the loan again. Must be careful with how I spend my money. I’m looking forward to get a new car loan probably end of this year or next year. My car is causing so much stress to me already. Been down for a few weeks already and I’m using my mom’s car which costs me RM100 a week on fuel. Also, it is because I have spent forward a lot of money for my data collection that I don’t have enough for the following months. By January, I’m hoping that things are back to the usuals so that I don’t struggle so much. Hope no more drama in my life at least spare me for a couple of months. Let me breathe.

    Overall I still feel I’m not in control of my life. My relationship is still in standoff-ish mode. My house is a mess. My roses died. At least I manage to sort the most important stuffs out. To think of it, today is the only weekend that I have to myself this month. Just need time to make sense of stuffs and not doing too much in a month. My challenge for the next few weeks would be to consistently write and train at this intensity I have started this month. Focus, meditate, regroup and realign quick (and don’t forget things!) I might be doing just fine.

  • Don’t Look Back

    Triggered by a few events today. The day started out quite okay, then I started to feel gloomy. I had a quick nap after class, and then received a text from my brother asking for a document I may have from our past dealings. I started to feel heavy, but looked for it anyway and didn’t find one. One thought to another, I felt how much a failure I am on fulfilling my duty towards my family. I felt like I let my family down, especially towards my dad who sacrificed and spent so much for me. He was once my hero, but over time I just feel like he’s so full of himself. And I am feeling guilty because it is as if I am taking advantage of my mom’s unconditional love to help me whenever I am in trouble.

    I looked the document up on my old laptop (which was loaned by mom). It is full of files and my saved articles from the days before I met him; and during the earlier times we were together. Suddenly, the feeling of failure and remorse just rushed within me. My heart feels heavy, and I am just feeling shame and hopeless. Looking back, I am so doing way better now than I was; but I feel unsettled because it is as though me leaving and standing up for myself causes others to suffer.

    It is like, everything that I started feel like they are going to fail and that I am going nowhere – which is my biggest fear. Like, I am back to square one. Maybe my beginning is now – things fell apart, things and people who are not serving me are no longer with me. I raised my standard. I am not where I was before – and moving forward is scary. But I am not going to let this thought to hinder my progress away. I am supposed to finish writing my data analysis part. I was just full of it – the shame and the feeling like I was not good enough. I am good enough. I will complete my studies. I will run my own consultancy and IT business. I will make it as an athlete and as a fitness instructor. I will thrive financially. I will have a loving and fulfilling relationship with the man of my dream. I deserve the best that life has to offer. I deserve to live up to my full potential. Don’t look back, the time is now.

  • Hypersensitivity

    I can’t remember what inspired me to look it up, just out of the blue, this morning, I was curious if I am a hypersensitive person. When I looked up some articles, it somewhat rang true. It’s not a defect, it is just a trait. It, then, made sense why I feel so much. Why I don’t like being rushed. Why I need alone time to decompress and a lot more.

    Then, it occurred to me, he might be a hypersensitive person as well. That’s why we understand each other. But I suspect he is more sensitive than I am. If that is the case, that really sucks from his end. I mean, I feel deeply. It already feels like there is a storm inside me. I don’t know how it likes with him. Seriously, if we ever get in touch again, I would like to talk about this with him. I know he is a sensitive man. But it was like, “Oh he gets the little details”. Being hypersensitive is more than that.

    It’s a new potential answer on why am I feeling so unsettled all the time except when I sleep. In silence, there is so much noise inside. Like there are 10 people meeting and discussing whatever. Now that I am used to sit down and processing my feelings, the noise has reduced a lot. I knew deep inside that I am built differently than others. It is not I am special or gifted or something. It’s how I feel things, how I think and how I processed what’s going on outside or inside of me. This also explains why I am so easily worked up when inconvenience presents itself. I don’t remember much how I was when I was a kid. From what I remember, I have quite a tantrum last time and my mom never say ‘No’ to me. It’s quite a surprise really, of how I managed to learn taming that intensity away. But the drawback is that, though I appear calm outside, I really felt turbulent inside.

    In a way, I feel blessed with this sensitivity. I feel things. I am irreplaceable. No one can relate the way I relate with people if I really open myself up. But I am also worried if it’s going to be no good for me. Good news is, if I ever want to experience deep fulfilling love again, the sensitive type (but emotionally mature) is the kind of person that I would want to be with.