Tag: life journal

  • Tricky August

    Two more weeks until the month ends. It has been a great one for me, yet still so many things to get done – I start to feel out of balance consistently.

    What’s great:

    • Did my DRP
    • Finally went out to visit an amazing place in Ranau – Taralamas River Canyon. I’ll write all about it in a post!
    • I am getting fitter and stronger
    • I am getting the hang of teaching BodyPump 3-4 times a week
    • Guess what, he’s back! – I am still undecided how to respond to this
    • Finally getting the company kit moving for MYJ Tau Systems SB
    • My PT client made a lot of progress in her fitness and training. So proud of her!
    • Settled MYJ Naturalle SB annual return stuff – almost missed it though
    • Made a lot of new friends from gym
    • Consistent early morning meditation before everything else daily since July

    What’s not great:

    • Pending work – the painting at the navy base
    • Nervous of the next milestone of my studies
    • I haven’t continued with MYJ Naturalle SB business plan yet
    • Web application for cinema tickets. Sigh!
    • Work still coming and piling up – I feel it is hard to catch up
    • I am still at the beck and call of my family – because I feel I gotta do it in return of their financial help
    • Added my financial commitment – I gotta work extra to make ends meet
    • Still unable to pay my study loan in full unlike before
    • My body needs more care – nutrition, stretching, sleep – I feel like it is never enough with rest
    • Eventhough he’s back, I still need to address how I feel and what I need – it unsettles me that I am ok with what he did
    • Still feeling something is off and despite of what I am doing; it still is not enough
    • I want to spend more time processing and healing my CEN trauma
    • I find it hard to sit down and relax and do the things I like such as painting

    I am especially anxious about my financial situation. Maybe I need to make the decision where I need to draw the line so that my time is used wisely that will add more value to my life. Maybe this is the process that I need to go through. To compare with last year at this time around, I am a lot better now. I have income, I think I am at my fittest and I am curious how much more and what else I can do. It’s like never ending quest to level up. I am not sure if this is healthy or not. And I am getting more aware of my triggers, the way I talk to myself. I rarely judge or put myself down anymore and it makes me so much peaceful and relaxed. The meditation practice that I do daily has helped me a lot in so many ways. I am feeling more myself and have better agency of what I want to do in line with my values. So yeah, for 2 weeks, those are a lot. I am proud of myself, I just need to slow down a bit and chill. I did enough.

  • It’s DRP day!

    Finally the dreaded day has come! Most of my preparations were ready with the help of my supervisors. It was not 100%, but I felt that what I did was good enough.

    I was late probably 30 minutes later than what I originally planned. Managed to tweak a bit my presentation slides in the morning, where I deemed appropriate. My wardrobe planning were done yesterday and I had everything ready the night before. Wardrobe planning is so important to me, that I would not risk it for the last minute throw as it could end up not right the first time, and I would waste times to find what will fit; then I would be late and other disasters would follow. Talking about neuroticism, but I accept myself this way.

    I was happy with how I looked and my makeup was alright! My car took a bit more time to warm up, but I just waited patiently knowing I will arrive on time (30 minutes later than what I had planned).

    I tried to stay calm throughout my journey to the uni, reassuring myself that I had done enough preparation for it. Whatever happens, I’ll just need to catch up and do my corrections. It’s all in God’s hand.

    I arrived 15 minutes early. Set up my laptop, presentation slides with the projector and basically got myself ready and made sure that I was within the right mindset.

    The presentation went smoothly as per my usual practice mock DRP. It was a lot better and smoother than what I had expected. Got a lot of feedbacks and questions from the examiners and everyone present. After I finished answering and clarified what was asked, I was asked to stay outside with my supervisors as the panel were discussing among themselves on my results.

    Had a little chat with my supervisors while waiting for the results. When we were called in I was calm, maybe because I fought and waited so long for this day. The chairperson explained to me all the passing ranks and the justifications. Finally, he announced that I passed with rank 2! Hooray!! Very minimal correction and only my supervisors will endorse the corrections after that. We were all so pleased with the results. We were then given the opportunity to speak a few words and I was so happy and expressed my gratitude and appreciation for everyone involved especially towards my supervisors.

    What I took from the session was, I did a good job together with my supervisors at research. According to the panels, my research is in line or at par with PhD level, for it’s prospective contribution not only for the industry, but also for the body of knowledge. Secondly, practice and hard work seldom come irreciprocated. Third, when I disagree with something, often I just need to express it and ask for help on how win win situation could be created with related parties. Finally, I was just so pleased because all of this was the fruition of my authentic intention and beliefs. I also could not do it without the support and understanding of my parents.

    I would also like to stress that understanding my interests and my awareness of my behaviours my motivators, though it’s hard work and resulting from years of exploration – doing something that is aligned with myself will never feel like a burden; but rather something that I would be gladly and willingly fight for.

  • August is here!

    It’s past half a year now. Interesting past few weeks. The highlight of last week was I felt that I felt so aligned with everything, the crowd I’m with, my activities. Though there were things that were upsetting but they were okay.

    What’s good last week – my trainings were on point. My fitness had tremendously improved, I loved how I looked. I love how the people around me were so supportive with my journey – basically had been receiving kindness from other people. That meant a lot to me. I felt that I was in the right time all in my alignment. Everything that I had worked for had finally came into fruition. But of course, stability is still far from my reach – again, someone said security is an illusion – however, I am still looking for that peace that could potentially come from stability and doing what I like in life.

    This week started out okay. Still feeling a lot of clouds – maybe it’s the extremely hot weather that sets me off. Gotta do a bit of tweaking for my DRP presentation and proposal. I just find it really hard to focus in this weather. Something needs to be done about it! A lot of exciting things are happening this week. I am living my life – it’s not as extravagant but this is my story and I love it!

  • Backdate – Emotional Housekeeping

    Where do I start? A lot has happened last week. Mixed emotions and experiences that almost triggered me into that survival mode again. Five major adjustments from my usual routines:

    1. Coordinating expo and working with my mother
    2. School friends came over for a visit and wanted to hang out
    3. A session of strength training that sent my body feeling weird
    4. Defending my stand and negotiate to undergo my DRP with my supervisors
    5. Going through my already full routines in addition to above event – I had exam, class and teaching group exercises as usual

    Discussing on event 1, it was okay at first. The folks who are supposed to be working with my plan just decided to do their own thing. And I felt that my time is not respected. It might seem that I can come up with a plan as quick as a snap of fingers, but actually all the scenarios have been thought up for days or even weeks in my head. And I know my mom was tired and she sacrificed a lot, but I am also upset that she did not stand up to her needs – and took it on us when she was overwhelmed. To some degree, I did that too when things are out of my control. It is our dynamics that concern me a lot. How do we address differences. How to communicate all these things. My brother did not seem to want to help or cooperate until my mother stepped in, and maybe manipulated him to help. So really, after all this, I really need to reconsider how I would want to be involved with my family again especially in helping them with business. A lot of reframing and boundary setting need to be outlined, so as to not exhaust myself. I am tired of putting on the self that I automatically project whenever I am with my family members. They are puppets of their insecurities without feelings, not human. If I choose to follow their flow, I will succumb to their insecurities, and be like them too. So, I need to be careful.

    Internally, I feel that I should not feel guilty, because I already communicated my availability and the stuffs I needed to deal during the event. I am not a superhuman, and I already did my best. What I am disappointed about is, all these chaos distracted me from concentrating for my exam. Partly it is also my fault, because I want to control everyone’s time to fit in mine. And turns out it was not for the best too. I also feel that I spent my time meeting my friends more than I can afford to spend. My rationale is that they are here for a short time, and I should take the opportunity to meet and catch up. Maybe situations like this triggered my critical perfectionism or I call it Rebecca that guided me to make this judgement. It really weren’t my friends’ fault. It is mine for not drawing the line.

    I am also so stressed out because of conflicts with my supervisors, it was an intense session meeting them last week. But it turned out so well after we all communicated our concerns, and we left as a team again. My supervisors really are my people. I love them so much for helping me. I pray that we could all work together well to finish my studies. That really was something positive or progress I made, because I dare to stand up for myself and voice out my needs. My DBA circles are the best people I have been with, except a few – I so can detect now who have dysfunctional tendencies and who are healthy, and who are in between.

    Other than that, I am just already physically exhausted from training. But I know this is good for my future longevity in fitness career. I am only started here, there are lots of adjustments I need to make for optimum growth for my work and my training in fitness. I got to restructure my time and recovery to fit in group fitness instructing, powerlifting training and CrossFit. Fitting in exercise, training, proper nutrition prep and recovery are really hard and takes a lot of discipline. So far, the best things and moments that are rewarding and positive to me are from fitness and my DBA studies. These are the things that I would like to keep for a long time.

    Seriously, it is the family dynamics that bother me the most. Because I am still depending on them financially. I am looking forward to severe ties with them professionally. I still can spend time with them, but I no longer can participate in all their insecurities about money and power; especially money. This is where I learn from them, that I could not live off like how I want to with financial stability. I have long unsubscribed to their definition of life and success. I will do a life audit to structure my life better.

    All for a better emotional and physical fitness. I got this!