Tag: life journal

  • Thesis Submitted for Viva-voce!

    Finally managed to submit my thesis on 30th November 2024, a day late from supposed deadline, but I am so happy and thrilled that I have managed to finish it with all the contents exactly as how I planned it to be.

    My babies ready to be sent bound for AAGBS

    Feeling so much freedom this week. Finally feeling like human again. Then again, it is not over yet, I still have to go through Viva Voce, thesis correction and a lot more procedures prior to graduation. I hope everything will go well from here on. A lot to reflect on how this means so much to me I could cry.

    Anyways, I am already planning with this much idle time, what I am going to do next. First, I will finish all my pending projects, the painting at HATWKK, I can do this, just a little bit more. And then, the project at Shell kiosk. Once these are done, I am going to focus on how to setup my research and consultancy firm and introduce myself to industry players. At the same time, planning on how to improve my service with KBS and the ladies that I am training there.

    Though at first, I am feeling void and it triggers some painful memories. However, I don’t stress or worry so much over it. I will process them and get better in time. I am loving my life now and am so grateful for so much people who are rooting for me and supporting my endeavours. The scary part is going to come, I just need to enjoy my time now and be present with what’s coming up. I am doing OK and I am going to be fine.

  • Sudden Wave of Grief

    Today, it hits hard. Like a 3-storey wave hits the shore. That’s okay, just like waves, this feeling will come and go. I have been sick and am dealing with insecurities and losses at the moment, and it just doesn’t help that I have been having odd dreams and just some reminders of him now and then after a long while. I looked for answers why it’s so hard to detach. What does it says about me? What does the losing of the relationship subconsciously symbolise? My best guess is stability and probably happiness. But more of stability. Maybe if I work hard to achieve that I would be slightly better.

    Life has been really testing lately but also I have good people around me, so that helps a lot. The usual ups and downs. I really am growing and moving forward now, so it’s up to me to get myself ready and rise to the occasion. That aside, I seriously want to process this grief I am feeling today. I was checking my thesis draft just now, and just chilling listening to a really catchy cheerful happy love song, and surprise, my heart twitched and felt hard, just as a flash of him coming to my mind. My face warmed up and I cried. These few days I really went hard to stay focused and only listened to black metal songs. When I decided to take it easy, this happened. Funny thing is I play that cheerful song all the time at the gym. It’s when I need to hang on and I feel like I’m about to hit rock bottom, I would be reminded of him a lot. Instead of rationalising, today, I decided to feel and surrender. Probably it will always be a part of me, and the feelings won’t probably go away. Like how my anxiety and neuroticism will always be a part of me. Once I acknowledge that, I will be able to manage my emotions better.

    It is okay. I am human with deep feelings. At least I don’t run away anymore. Everything is going to turn out just fine. Feel all the feels and let them free.

  • I Am Exactly Where I Need to Be

    Been wanting to write for a while. Have gone through some nice weeks prior and things are moving so fast that I need to process things for a bit. Took a break from training post-competition to reset my body and nervous system – seriously I was struck with one after another, thesis, training, classes, travelling on survival mode; and to unexpectedly received surprise messages – the usual hi and gone stuff; on the eve of my birthday, seriously? When I wanted to just be friendly and show that I feel happy for you for starting class, suddenly I got blocked again. Do you see your communication pattern? That drives me mad, but I am not gonna be affected by those anymore. Everything from you doesn’t have any clear context on me, as the recipient of your interaction.

    Now, that’s out of my system, I want to process on how sweet my brother has been for repairing my old little car on his own (it’s already 19 years old this year). He has been trying to fix it for weeks and spent so many to buy the tools and parts to help me. Funny thing too, my dad starts to join him outside at the porch with a cup of coffee in his hands, watching my brother fixing the car. Earlier, weeks way before, my brother told me he was ushered on wheelchair to the ICU, paralysed, as his blood pressure sky-rocketed to 250. As a fitness trainer, I know how urgently he needs intervention to care for himself. I told him to take things slow and don’t stress too much. He has done so much already. And then, I began to talk about our shared childhood trauma and how it affected us as adults interfering with our lives and causes unnecessary stress and hypervigilance. He didn’t want to listen to me at first, but I kept talking anyways – deep inside I know he felt shame and anger, or something else, as he kept asking me questions about our childhood and how it affects us. I told him to go do some searching on “childhood neglect” and “childhood trauma”; and that if he has the budget to go see therapist. I have been wanting to see one, but for now books and alternative means have helped me a lot so far. The pain of being in relationships with wounded/dysfunctional/abusive people have really forced me to think and find what’s wrong with me for choosing to be with them and to finally find ways to heal my trauma.

    So, back to my brother, I worry so much for him. I hope he could come and train with me to improve his health. A few days back, we were having lunch outside while waiting for my car tire replacement to finish at a workshop, and he brought up the topic about childhood trauma again. I am happy that he finally understands that there’s nothing wrong with him and that it’s the trauma responses that made us respond to things the way we do. I am glad that he gets the understanding that it’s not our parents’ fault either as they, too, at that time, wouldn’t have known better. Having that conversation, I hope he understands the pain that I have gone through upon knowing that everything I knew about myself was wrong for the past 38 years and that I have to isolate myself and rebuild a life and identity that is true to me at my core. After that conversation, I feel like I wanted to hug my brother (but I didn’t), it feels like he was that small little boy again who I need to protect as a big sister. I want him to know, that he can come to me and talk to me about anything that bothers him – same goes to my other siblings.

    Other than the stuff about my brother, I sort of feel that I am getting better at delivering a good class. My endurance has gone down a bit due to long rest, but being able to teach engaging 5 BodyPump classes in a week, on top of my regular Putatan classes is such a win for me this week. The new release is so hard. So this time, my focus is for my participants to gradually build in their strength injury free, find which area that is challenging to them and focus on diverting their fatigue to their technique and to feel the load as stimulator, not as something to avoid. I am just so grateful with this job and the crowd there, these guys have helped me in believing in my own strength and power as a person. Also, had a nice mamak dinner after gym cleaning with the ladies I teach in Putatan. I feel that it’s scary that we all are getting along better and getting closer, that my reaction was to immediately put boundaries and put up a wall so that they don’t know me that much despite of me telling hefty things about myself to them. Maybe it’s the reaction from being used to people taking advantage of me. I preached a lot about the nervous system, to avoid being in an overdrive – I hope someday they would get what I mean. I am also happy that I see a lot of progress for each of them, proving that their trainings start to trigger changes towards their body. I have just started to build my strength to getting back to CrossFit training, hopefully I would have enough to pay for gym fees and start training again by next week. The drills that my coaches gave me have helped me a lot and I see a lot of improvements on my technique and that my physique has changed a bit (I think my abs muscles, those forming six packs have grown a bit; and my shoulders width – the lats area, is a bit broader than before). My focus this time would be more on skills and actually finish all the prescribed conditioning workouts.

    My thesis has gone to the backseat a bit as I focus on finishing the last module that I have to attend and redo. Today’s class was the last one. I really enjoyed the sessions – it’s more like a study group environment rather than a full-blown lecture. The lecturer was so good and encouraging to everyone – even towards those who made outright mistakes in their presentations (but as a trainer, I am so used to correcting people real time, that I had to point out what could be done to improve their work – not apologising, I am just a direct person). I have been having this imposter syndrome, keep questioning myself if I am doing the right thing with my research, my framework and all – having interacted with her, and receving her feedback after presenting my work, I am now more confident with what I am doing. She explicitly tells everyone this – “Now I believe that she does her own work for her thesis, she really knows what she’s doing and she’s a very hardworking person.” Hearing that from someone I admire and respect, is so validating. Half of the postgraduate lecturers there know who I am and who my parents are, they might expect something lesser of me. I believe I do my best whenever I can with whatever resources I have to make it happen with the help and support of people around me. I am a person of effort; I am capable and I can do this! At the end of our class, the lecturer asked for feedback, and when its my turn, I just started saying how thankful I am for the class and the lecturer and my voice began to crack! I just almost cried but I kept myself composed, paused and talked slowly. I was surprised because it happened a lot when I talk about my research or anything to do with my studies. That’s how deep my feelings and attachment are to my research after all the things I have gone through to come this far. I still don’t know what that means.

    Overall, I really did have a nice weekend that temporary water disruption did not water down my contentment! I am not as fatigue this week, I take care of regulating my nervous systems, I get things done, I nurture my relationship with my family, secured a few new clients to train with me and made new friends. Today I realised, everything is already lined up for me. I just need to prepare myself to face them and follow through what is in store for me in the near future. I don’t have to worry if I would make it in each area of my life – everything will happen when it’s time. I just need to focus, keep building to be the best version of me that I can be and be ready to hit the gas for what’s to come in time. I feel that I have grown and healed so much from my old self. Thank you Allah for helping me.

  • Bliss Sunday

    Spent the whole day indoor with writing my thesis today. Today’s writing mode is different, I didn’t feel anxious or suffocated or overwhelmed like yesterday. What did I do differently today?

    I didn’t force myself to come up with what to write. I just let things flow freely. Whenever I finished a few paragraphs, I immediately took a break doing dishes, cooking, washing, cleaning, laundry etc, basically the stuffs I have neglected and long to do for weeks already. My house is clean, and my thesis progressing – what’s better than that! I feel like human again. Checked out on my plants, my orchids are growing bigger. Still no signs of flowers, but at least the jasmine tree starts to grow some flower buds.

    My Chapter 6 hasn’t finished as planned. Imagine getting asked by my supervisors on why it’s not yet done, and me replying with “because I take care of my mental health first”. Only in dreams. Just a little bit more. I’m gonna ask the DBA coordinator when exactly is the due date. I’m due to submit next week. I’m rooting to finalise everything by Wednesday.

    I was craving on pizza so bad today. I looked for strategies to delay my craving. I just drank water and ate lots of guavas. Still feeling the crave for pizza. So I decided to make some baked pasta (using yellow noodles cause I’m out of pasta) with roasted chicken I’ve prepared last week with shredded cheese on top. It was heavenly! Maybe my body needs vitamin B or fat or more protein. I managed to not succumb to my craving and this was huge highlight of my day.

    Finished the day with taking out the trash and preparing for tomorrow’s class choreo. My teaching and training shoes are still wet from afternoon wash. So I’m gonna skip morning training tomorrow and catch up in the evening later. Mondays are normally the busiest day of the week for me. Hope I manage to catch some time for my thesis. Gotta rest now and wake up early later. May things go well and peaceful tomorrow.

  • Thesis – Writing Anxiety Part Unknown

    It’s another Saturday. As usual, I’m caving in my house to write. This morning was different. It’s public holiday so I have no class, but I went to train with one of the ladies I train with at the gym just the two of us. It was calming as both of us are kind of introvert people and don’t talk a lot. We just focused on our own trainings, listen to music and chitchat for a bit. Managed to train for a good 2 hours, working on my techniques and did some athlete WOD prepared by our coach. It was a nice training/me time for me.

    While training, out of nowhere I received a text and some missed calls from one of the members that I teach at the gym. I did not give out my phone numbers to everyone, but somehow she managed to reach me. She must be so desperate that time that she tried to connect with anyone at all working at the gym! As it happened, there’s no staff working at LUF gym today and she was having issues with the locker – it won’t open up. I know how devastating that feels. I did my best to help her out. One of the staffs managed to get in touch with her. Problem solved, I hope the incident didn’t ruin her day. I feel like a star and a reliable worker for a bit (though I only work there part time) that someone I barely know and taught only about 3 classes reached out to me for help.

    Reached home, I was so hungry I immediately ordered food. I ate so much, then slept, and ate again. I tried to rest and calm my body a bit in preparation to write. It took about 4 hours for my body and mind to settle down (managed to roll into writing after meditation). Apparently, my coffee and donuts strategy isn’t working anymore. Which is a relief as I can’t do it to myself anymore loading on excessive sugar just to keep writing. Can’t be too hungry because of training. I had enough sleep and my training was kind of light today. Maybe it’s the aftermath of yesterday’s training. My upper body still is a bit tender from all the pull up drills. Point is I ate just too much and I don’t know why.

    Nothing new about writing, still suck to my core but at least I managed to write a few paragraphs and added 1000+ words today. 15,000 to go. For real. I did a quick look up, at least everything is in place except for Chapter 6. I’m going to focus on this moving forward. I’ve got 1 more week to refine my thesis before sending my draft for panels screening. Deep in my core, I feel so calm, like there’s nothing to worry about, like it believes in my ability. But at the same time, my logical mind says, look at the reality, there’s more to write! I’m getting obsessed already. I’m going to meditate one last time today, shower and plan for tomorrow’s write.

  • Noisy September

    It’s the final week of September already. So much went on this month. I’m just feeling overwhelmed day in day out. In dire need of a long break but I need to hold on until my thesis is submitted and after Hopper Warrior finishes.

    What went on this month:

    Data collection and data analysis consumed so much of my time and energy. And then, to actually write and compile my thesis altogether. Today I am finalising the structure and contents of Chapter 4 before actually write the whole thing. Anxiety level up to the roof and I think I’m experiencing shutdowns as my brain refuse to think and focus without donuts and iced coffee. Last time, I used to smoke a lot to defuse my emotion. But I’m not going to do that again.

    Physically used up after Borneo Pangazou’s event mid September, 1 week recovery and training again. It’s week 1 out of 3 weeks plan. I’m beyond exhausted already. 2 weeks to go. More expenses on fuel and food. Must do daily stretch and massages for quick recovery measures. It’s Saturday, good thing class was cancelled this morning so I had plenty of rest at home but still need to catch up on sleep. My relationship with the people at the gyms I go to also has gotten closer. They really are my emotional support system these days.

    The gym in Putatan is slowly gaining traction. For that, I’m so grateful. We got new equipments (so much drama on how they were under my responsibilities, good thing a good soul helped me out). I managed to code a simple apps to record class attendance which helped a lot in my communications with instructors and gym members. Dealing with people, though I’m good at it, is so mentally exhausting. The late drive home 3-4 times a week is tiring too. More stuff to do to improve with newbies orientation and marketing stuffs. Hope I could still use the place for a long time.

    Other than that, I think I’m also exhausted at monitoring my investments as last few weeks my stocks were not performing well. But I learnt a lot about investing. I thought to myself, had I known about it years earlier, I would be in a much better place financially today. Also, managed to restructure my study loan repayment. At last, I’m able to continue paying the loan again. Must be careful with how I spend my money. I’m looking forward to get a new car loan probably end of this year or next year. My car is causing so much stress to me already. Been down for a few weeks already and I’m using my mom’s car which costs me RM100 a week on fuel. Also, it is because I have spent forward a lot of money for my data collection that I don’t have enough for the following months. By January, I’m hoping that things are back to the usuals so that I don’t struggle so much. Hope no more drama in my life at least spare me for a couple of months. Let me breathe.

    Overall I still feel I’m not in control of my life. My relationship is still in standoff-ish mode. My house is a mess. My roses died. At least I manage to sort the most important stuffs out. To think of it, today is the only weekend that I have to myself this month. Just need time to make sense of stuffs and not doing too much in a month. My challenge for the next few weeks would be to consistently write and train at this intensity I have started this month. Focus, meditate, regroup and realign quick (and don’t forget things!) I might be doing just fine.

  • Dysregulated

    I don’t know if I will ever feel calm again (yes, I will). Feeling so unsettled after drafting my thesis first round today. It’s like I have got too much stuff to write. My mom said it’s normal. Just keep going. Maybe I’m having decision fatigue. So much things to decide for my research and it’s giving me anxieties. And my body is starting to go into shutdown/freeze mode. OMG!

    I started to feel overwhelmed. Yes, my week is tiring. I am mentally, emotionally and physically drained. And thanks for your sudden appearance. It was a nice surprise, for whatever purpose that was. Talk to you soon ya! I will continue writing whatever I want here, it’s my sanctuary (except that it’s public).

    I don’t feel like meeting people this weekend, but I have a family engagement to go. I am just so low in energy and I just want to recharge and recover before Monday comes. Maybe it’s hormonal and lack of sleep from previous nights. Freaking tired.

    Just going to do my best with thesis. I have to fight for it otherwise I’ll face much bigger regret if I don’t submit it on time. So many things on the line. Come on Alam, you’ve got this!

  • Final Week to Write

    Overdue for a week to hand over my draft to my supervisors already. I am just keeping calm knowing my coursemates haven’t handed theirs as well. What a week has it been!

    I’m beyond exhausted, my car hasn’t been working since last week. I broke up into tears in front of my mom and my siblings due to how helpless I was feeling that time. I wasn’t fishing for their sympathy. They all helped me maybe because I was always has been the strong one. My mom offered to send me to work and lent me her car at last. My brother helped me to check on what’s wrong with my car. At one point, I unknowingly left the sidelamp of my mom’s car on that the car battery went flat – again I was without vehicle.

    After travelling via Grab car (thank God for this service) for a few days, my brother gave instructions on how to mount/dismount the car battery and charge it upstairs in my unit. It was so heavy, I felt grateful that I weight train. To my surprise, I managed to get my mom’s car up and running after that. So much worry and agitation before I knew what to do. It was an accomplishment for me to be able to do that. Now I can replace my own car battery. I told my brother, this thing, on how to repair and maintain a car should be taught at school. We both laughed. I love talking to my brother, I just hope he takes care of his health better.

    My upper body was so sore from last weekend’s competition (I’ll write about it), it was so hard getting up from bed. My body was under so much stress. But I still went to work to do some cleaning at Putatan gym. On the next day, I got my therapist friend to massage my arms, chest and back due to tightness (first time doing this), boy it was so painful and took me 2 days to fully recover. I learnt that I have left forearm issue and a bit in my tricep same side. They were old injuries, good thing it can be fixed with consistent treatment procedures. I’m so glad that I met her during the competition.

    I couldn’t relax yet, this week I covered classes for 2 instructors. So it was 4 out of 5 BodyPump classes, and the other 3 days in Putatan gym. Wednesday to Friday, 2 classes back to back. When I finished my last class of the week this afternoon, I was like, OMG I deserve a treat for myself! Got some groceries, donuts and coffee, got home and unwind. Best feeling ever! Saturdays are my favourite. Unpacking my groceries, I was feeling so grateful that I still can afford to buy quality food. I’m going to cook a nice meal for myself today.

    I’m going to use this weekend to finish whatever left on my thesis. It’s all coming together, I just have to persevere and hang in there till it’s submitted. I’ve got about slightly less than 200 pages to go, so I really need to be purposeful with my time.

    Things left to do:

    Chapter 2 – Include info on agencies in charge of agriculture industry in Sabah / Malaysia

    Chapter 3 – All points included, so just add on the writeups and references

    Chapter 4 – Include PLS parameters, streamline writeup

    Chapter 5 – Decide on VAF, writeup on analysis. Divisional analysis

    Chapter 6 – This one so much to write, maybe dedicate 1-2 days for this

    Finish all these, I’m good for submission already. Coffee and donuts ready, all the best to me!

  • Thesis is Coming to Fruition!

    I have been spending all day indoors analysing and writing my thesis. I thought I have done most of it. Turns out there are loads more to do! I have more or less 5 days to detail everything out before I submit my thesis draft to my supervisor. However, I am happy with my results and it seems that all the components needed for my thesis are there. I am so grateful for that. Only thing is, time is almost not on my side. I am already anticipating this hecticness, with my preparation for competition this weekend. So that’s officially 3 days off! Maybe I can bring along my laptop to write while waiting during the competition.

    I have been progressing so well. I can’t let myself be disorganised or distracted. I feel that I need to pace myself tenfold but that only means not sleeping, eating, working or going out at all. I hope I’m not gonna be too tired to write after work tomorrow.

    Checklist for my thesis:

    • Chapter 3 – Polish on my literature review – evidence and details on confounding Conceptual framework
    • Chapter 4 – Methodology – elaborate on my processes from questionnaire, applications, how I conduct everything – tell them! And then write the parameters I use for all the analyses
    • Chapter 5-Decide on VAF, competitive or complimentary mediation, analyse open ended questions, write my analysis – tables all done!
    • Chapter 6 – Detail out my contribution

    More effort needed for Chapter 4 & 5. Really now for the next 2 days, I will only focus on these two.

    I will get it done, no matter what! (but still not neglecting my own needs). I’m really excited about the thesis. I wish I could write faster.

  • Don’t Look Back

    Triggered by a few events today. The day started out quite okay, then I started to feel gloomy. I had a quick nap after class, and then received a text from my brother asking for a document I may have from our past dealings. I started to feel heavy, but looked for it anyway and didn’t find one. One thought to another, I felt how much a failure I am on fulfilling my duty towards my family. I felt like I let my family down, especially towards my dad who sacrificed and spent so much for me. He was once my hero, but over time I just feel like he’s so full of himself. And I am feeling guilty because it is as if I am taking advantage of my mom’s unconditional love to help me whenever I am in trouble.

    I looked the document up on my old laptop (which was loaned by mom). It is full of files and my saved articles from the days before I met him; and during the earlier times we were together. Suddenly, the feeling of failure and remorse just rushed within me. My heart feels heavy, and I am just feeling shame and hopeless. Looking back, I am so doing way better now than I was; but I feel unsettled because it is as though me leaving and standing up for myself causes others to suffer.

    It is like, everything that I started feel like they are going to fail and that I am going nowhere – which is my biggest fear. Like, I am back to square one. Maybe my beginning is now – things fell apart, things and people who are not serving me are no longer with me. I raised my standard. I am not where I was before – and moving forward is scary. But I am not going to let this thought to hinder my progress away. I am supposed to finish writing my data analysis part. I was just full of it – the shame and the feeling like I was not good enough. I am good enough. I will complete my studies. I will run my own consultancy and IT business. I will make it as an athlete and as a fitness instructor. I will thrive financially. I will have a loving and fulfilling relationship with the man of my dream. I deserve the best that life has to offer. I deserve to live up to my full potential. Don’t look back, the time is now.