At long last, I submitted my finalised thesis draft, a month after my corrected thesis was returned to me from examiner. That was pretty decent time to correct everything for me. I wasn’t aware of the need for format checking by UiTM committees and it might require once or twice of amendments. The thesis coordinator accepted my final draft – she clearly was upset as it was sent at the last minute. I felt bad for her, but I also did my best with everything going on around me. So here’s the screenshot of the whole thing, I can’t wait to hear the good news from AAGBS. I really am hoping to graduate soon together with my batchmates.
After grueling weeks, I finally got it done!! I can officially write my reports to Peladang managers now. There are so many of them, therefore I have got to plan how am I going to do it. Another great news is that my previous conference proceeding article is finally featured on Google Scholar! It might not be a Q1 or Q2 article, but it’s out there. I really want to pioneer into this topic. Though I hate writing, I really enjoy sharing my piece on this. Don’t want to mix with a lot of stuff in this entry. So yeah, cheers to me for finishing it! Thank you Allah!
Received my thesis correction last Friday. I was nervous as heck waiting for examiner’s feedback. Was so relieved to that the examiner okay-ed most of the correction I did except 1 or 2 subsections (I gotta check back) and only need my supervisors to approve the correction. Breaking the tasks, I will focus on these items:
Citations check
Formatting
Subsections amendment
Ask for supervisors feedback
Timeline will be in 2 weeks (due 10th August). I have more free time this week, so I am going to do as much as I can. No more donuts and endless coffee this time. I am trying to get my nerves under control without consuming food that would inflame my body. Let’s start now!
So, I managed to submit my thesis 2 days ago. It was among the most intense days in my life. Prior, I just numb myself with coffee I think it has been for months – I actually bought the 1 litre Zus coffee so that I can stay awake during the day to work on my thesis. I really hated doing that, because I had to sacrifice my well-being to this thing. It was the hardest thing ever. I didn’t really procrastinate – my body and brain just did not cooperate because I was consistently under fatigue, and on weekends I have got other commitments. Covering classes, too, did take a toll on my body. I just couldn’t do it anymore.
My deadline was on Tueday, 24 June. I already put on my emergency survival mode a week before like day to day looking at the thesis and busting my brains out how to think and write. I really felt stupid like, questioning am I even doing the right thing. I was really under so much pressure. I didn’t want to skip training as it’s the only thing that keeps me positive and sane these days. However, my body couldn’t cope doing both if I have so much work to do. I wonder how it would be once I have started doing projects for others. I want to keep my life soft and calm, as it should be. It kind of amazes me how my brain works so well under so much pressure – I was like finding solutions how to make my writing faster all the time, during shower, driving to work and all in betweens. It is so exhausting and frustrating at the same time that I don’t have anyone to lean on during these times.
After submitting my thesis, I fell sick and still am today. It would be nice if my man was around or at least check on me if I am okay. At times like these, I really wish it would have been someone else who could care, be around and love me the way I want to be loved and cared for. Deep inside, I feel that he will never be that man, until he has healed himself and have the courage to be honest with himself and do the right thing. However, I am just human and I don’t know what’s the future is going to bring – so I still am holding on some hope here. I know it’s not beyond me, and I deserve that kind of love. Only time and fate will tell. It hurts and I feel sad because I have been all alone in sickness and in health – always caring for others, but no one cares for me. Please God, if it’s not him, send me someone who can and want to love me right.
Nothing feels good today. The world is getting crazier, economy sucks, and I still have to deal with idiots and ignorant people. This is how it feels like when my body crashes after putting on my survival gear for weeks. I so am not going to do it again. Now, I have to really be deliberate how I spend my time and who get to have my energy. Don’t get too attached with anyone. People only appreciate me when I am beneficial to them, and when I match their ideals. I pray that I would find someone who appreciate me with all my good and bad traits – even if they found that I am not someone that they thought I would be. I am feeling so sick. I should go make a cup of chamomile tea and watch sappy movies to calm down and release my emotions.
Pg 18 – Research background – include Sabah background earlier on – general 1-2 pages to focus on Sabah issues
Relate with Sabah scenario at the end of paragraph – highlight empirical needs
Pg 25 – 1.2 Problem Statement – justify why EA become mediator – straight away involve and relate to Sabah case
Pg 26 – Provide evidence – not enough data supporting claims
Pg 27 – Insert evidence saying Sabah adoption low, last paragraph of 1.2 approach objectively farmers as entrepreneurs – why study as mediation justify with evidence
1.3 Research objective – theory or construct? – check cohesiveness of problem statement with RO and RQ
Add construct definition – small-scale farmers
Chapter 2
Synthesis literature- how the construct relates back to my study in regard with smallholders
2.2.2 agriculture development in sabah – how it is related to constructs
pg 47 – rearrange agriculture story
pg 47-49 – add evidence and support
pg 49 – add more references – add subsection on entrepreneurial ambidexterity
pg 51-52 – explain how the review is related to my study and why i adopt suggestion from the studies
pg 53 – connectivity and references
pg 57 – 2.5.2 justify final development
2.6.1 references
Chapter 3
3.2 research paradigm and design – ontology & epistomology
3.3.1.4 attach appendix of clearance and permission
Chapter 4
References and support why choose second order modelling
4.5.2 Sabah Divisional analysis extract from thesis
Chapter 5
Support statements or findings benchmark with previous studies or reference from other places
Suggest workable strategies so that they are able to adopt – how it can be done
Rephrase title 5.2.1
5.2.2 refer Chapter 4
5.3.1 First order and second order analysis
5.6 Conclusion – what it could solve, can it yield high output?, what support is needed?
As I continue to drag myself to continue my DBA thesis correction, I have been battling internally why it is so hard to do and doubts have started to creep in, questioning whether I could do it or not. I have little motivation to do it. I procrastinated, did other productive things like cooking, gardening or cleaning, online shopping or every other stuffs that I could do just to fill time avoiding thinking about and working on my thesis. Then, I was curious why did I need to do all these things before I can roll up for writing. I might be getting low in dopamine and needed the rush to finally get up and running. A little bit of research, all the strategies I did were all dopamine seeking, only I did it in different ways over time. I am glad that I chose a better dopamine source (but still far from healthy). I needed to achieve something to boost up my morale like winning in games, completing easy tasks or submerge in the delicacies of food to feel satisfied and ready. To improve my dopamine level, I gotta eat more protein, iron, vitamin B6, meditate and manage my chronic stress (like, how it is possible to reduce the sources of stress!)
Things in my life are getting a bit steady, though there were slight hiccups financially, of which, thankfully, have recovered. I didn’t get overtly overwhelmed as usual. I think I have started to understand myself more and just work with my current condition, let go of what I cannot control and focus on my development goals. I started seeing my man again, which is so soothing and regulating knowing that he is still around, hopefully for the better. My relationship with my siblings too has improved a lot. Had small bits of precious moments with each of them. Like, my brother showed me how to change bulb for my car indicators; and my youngest brother shared his supper meal with me and we ate together just the two of us; and a lot more. Things are a bit lighter between us. My parents are still the same, I guess I cannot do anything much about it.
First quarter of 2025 in, a lot of things overlapped, like Raya celebrations, thesis correction deadline, training, taxes and expenses to take care of. Raya is quite a stressful season for me as it’s time to meet and visit families we rarely have seen throughout the year. I just don’t like being in a crowded area full of people who barely know me and care enough about what I do. Maybe if I had put an effort to ask people how they are, what they are up to, the visits could be more engaging. I have reduced my attendance (yup!) severely, and I still feel exhausted by the thought of it. The foods are great though. It’s just the whole thing, the Raya costume, makeups, travelling, weather, greasy and complicated food, bloated guts and indigestion, the whole pretentious things I have got to do while tagging along with my family, which really deplete my energy. It’s only once a year, so I might just suck it up and be nice. And also, the rush to finish my corrected thesis draft made it feel hard to relax, like I am in a constant anxiety to keep progressing. It is challenging to enjoy the festivities while at the same time trying to set my body and mind up to be more productive.
My left hamstring, glutes and SI joints area are still tight and inflexible after my last injury. It bothers me a bit. Fortunately, I can still work. It is getting better but the recovery is slower than what I have expected. Mixed feelings to come back to training CrossFit again, but I guess, I will just start again next week and start small with lighter weights and intensity. Also, I have to remind myself to stretch and foam roll affected areas as frequently as I can to get back to my range of motions. So, yeah, no more competition until I am fully healed. Physically, I am feeling less fatigue as I have experienced before after I changed my diet plan. So now I know that my body needs plenty like 50% plenty more protein than what I am used to, monitor my room humidity before I sleep, seriously hydrate, coffee only once in the morning, reduce my carbohydrate intake and supplement myself with essential vitamins especially B6, C and minerals.
Actually, now that I have processed everything, I am kind of blessed and privileged to have the life that I have now. Eventhough it’s not as beautiful as the life I have aspired to live, I am still blessed with all the freedom to act, work, spend, eat, decorate and clean my house the way that I want to. My body is already conditioned for survival from my upbringings and early life experiences. I am okay, I am safe and I am on the right track. Focus on what aligns with me despite of all the small or big turbulences that are happening around me. Be as calm as the eye of a hurricane. Be aware, but don’t react foolishly. The thesis correction is just another phase. It is going to be difficult, but I will nail it. I got this!
It has been a few days since I made small corrections/adjustments to my thesis. I finally have found the small pieces that can make my thesis made more sense which just kind of popped up in my head minutes before I dozed off for my afternoon nap. Then, I had to remind myself that I am the only one who stand between myself and my next action. Only I could save myself now. Just being reminded of this song on how valuable I am. And I listened to it a lot during my undergraduate years for studying, relaxing, whatever. I know it’s a love song, but I love how intense and passionate it is, just as how I should love and help myself.
Today, I just had to take actions, I’ll gradually build my momentum going forward. Just do it.
I read a few chapters on this book 1000+ Little Things Happy Successful People Do Differently. These few headlines are enough to get me going again.
6 Ways to Find Gratitude When Everything Goes Wrong
Find gratitude around difficult people
Find gratitude when you catch yourself complaining
Find gratitude when you are overwhelmed (trick is, add the sentence “..andI love it”, after each complaint. Like, for real.)
Find gratitude after job loss
Find gratitude amid health problems
Find gratitude when someone you love dies
10 Habits You Must Quit to be Happy
Quit procrastinating on your goals
Quit blaming others and making excuses
Quit trying to avoid change
Quit trying to control the uncontrollable
Quit talking down to yourself
Quit criticising others
Quit running from your problems and fears
Quit living in another time and place (live for here and now)
So, it has been almost a month since I passed my viva. From the comments I received from the examiners, I knew it was not gonna get easier from then on. Things I struggled with were the feeling of remorse that what I had prepared so hard for was not enough, despite knowing full well that there definitely would be corrections to my thesis; as well as the discomfort of my hard work being criticised. I was already full of it – couldn’t stand to read my thesis anymore. My supervisors suggested that I digest the comments given and start making a list. I didn’t start right away, until I received the results email sent from the uni.
Finally today, I managed to compile the list and its a 12-page document. The first corrections I made were 8 days ago. Compiling the list itself is already an emotional one, but hey, I finally got it done today. Now that the CrossFit Open is over, I can focus back on my thesis again. From the compilations, a lot of attention needs to be addressed to Chapter 1, 2 and 5. Moderate detailings on Chapter 3 and 4.
Major topics that I might struggle with are proving the connection between TRAM and Entrepreneurial Ambidexterity as a mediator. Though I could explain and talk about them logically and sensibly, there is little evidence, though they are there and it’s an important one. I also need to revisit and read a bit on research philosophy and reorganise my details in Chapter 3. I will do my Chapter 1 last. It is the hardest one. Maybe I could find a few theses and learn how they write with continuity and consistency.
I have done the easy editing part. Next, I gotta categorise and break down the things that I want to do based on the feedback.
Theoretical stance – LR references, ambidexterity as mediator – find papers that include ambidexterity with acceptance model
Evidence – mediation concept that supports my study, results on TAM and TRI based on previous studies
Paragraphing and composing – refer correction list
Context – methods – online or offline? find reference and justify which method or is it mixed, first order and second order; synthesise LR made and relate with my studies
Reread and check flow and continuity
Check minor errors – spelling etc, refer on jotted notes from thesis hardcopy
Reformatting, word count and page check
AI generator check, grammar check
A lot of heavy reading here on my literature reviews. Maybe I have to write a list and page of what topic I gotta find and search here. This task is easier but I have to put on a deadline so that I won’t keep searching and reading but not doing anything for my thesis. I will start looking for them today and produce the required list until next Monday. Hopefully I would be able to write something by next week. April will be full-blown time to focus on Chapter 2. May the force be with me!
I have been meaning to write about this on the day itself, but I was a bit disoriented and emotional that day. Despite of massive congratulations I received from everyone, I didn’t feel a lot, like excitement or something. People asked how I felt, I said, “Not a lot actually. I am still figuring out what it means.” I know right, despite of all the struggles I endured, it felt the same, and it concerns me a bit. Should I see a therapist now? Anyways, that aside, I did feel truly happy and relieved. It’s just that I still have a lot of work to do. So here’s the account of what happened on the day I passed my viva voce – 24th February 2025, like finally!!!
My viva day, was exactly like I had planned out to be. I prepared my outfit that would make me feel my best, played on a song that would set my spirit up for it – check the song Bad Boy by Megisto out! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EYZ9IjgVnxc). Looked my best that I felt confident with (wasn’t happy with the shoes that I borrowed, but all my shoes are all broken. Minor thing, that’s okay). My nerves were like crazy as I had difficulties to sleep days prior. I told myself, “I am gonna be okay and that I have prepared for this for a long time, I know my work, I did my best – the rest is up to Allah. I am not the smartest person in the world, and it’s okay if I do not get what I had expected.” My mindset that time, is to give my best to explain my research, educate and give clear information of what I did; rather than defending anything. I guess I had the confidence I needed because I prepared well, and everything was in line. Like I read my thesis again back-to-back; aligned my presentation with the story on my thesis, practised my timing and focus on what to explain on a given slide, how much time to spend, made the adjustments needed as suggested by my supervisors.
I arrived 30 minutes early from my viva presentation slot scheduled time, met my supervisor and she’s like, “Cantiknya Nurul!” I smiled at her and settled myself with all the technical preparation for my online presentation. Good thing I learnt from therapists on how to ease my anxieties so I just did the breathing technique taught and told myself it’s going to be okay. I looked good on the camera, I screenshot it but caught by everyone looking on the big screen and I was so self-conscious about it and didn’t manage to save it! Anyways, my viva went no longer than 2 hours, just about 1 and half maybe?
My viva voce setup with panels and my supervisors
Before my presentation, we, my supervisors and I were asked to leave the presentation room first for panel meeting. When we were called in, I straight away presented when we were all ready. My presentation on my screen was 17 minutes but the chairperson noted that it was 15 minutes. The examiners did not ask much on the presentation and we quickly proceeded to my thesis where we went through and discuss the chapters one by one. I liked how the examiners pointed out the details on my thesis, they were both very considerate and constructive with their remarks. Everyone present said I was lucky because I had good and thorough examiners. I was just being myself, and focused on enlightening the examiners, rather than defending my stuffs when asked questions. I admitted where I did wrong and when I didn’t know my stuffs. Looking at the expressions of my supervisors they were all like worried when an examiner pointed out a mistake. I was just taking notes and looking at them as a point to consider to improve my thesis. As we ended, my supervisors and I were asked to wait outside to give room for second panel meeting to discuss on my results.
When we were called in, the chairperson gave her remarks, on how the moment was the moment every student has waited for. The examiners gave their results – that I passed with major correction. I could see my supervisors were so thrilled and did a small clap. I, on the other hand, was already assuming that I for sure gonna get a pass. I was thrilled, but probably less thrilled than everyone in the room. According to them, the major correction doesn’t matter anyway as they thought I needed more time to rewrite my thesis which I do. Thank you very much to examiners! The chairperson then called for everyone to say something on the results. My supervisors turn first, I couldn’t remember what they had said. Then it’s my turn. I thought, I owe this for myself and all the hardships flashed back to me. My speech went more or less like this. “First and foremost, I would like to thank for the examiners for the results. I would like to use this moment to acknowledge on my efforts on how hard I worked for this research.” I paused and tears welled up. Then I continued, “So, I want to thank myself for holding on. And of course, it is not just me making this possible, my supervisors, everyone in the postgraduate administration team for making sure I pay my dues as a student and so many more.” That’s all I could think of that time. The chairperson concluded the meeting with saying things like to stay humble, and acknowledge other people’s effort and stuff. When I first heard of her speech, it’s like she’s judging me and I was like, maybe she has never met someone who considers and values self as much as I do, and claim it out loud. I just let that go. Before we adjourned, I hugged my supervisors and thanked them. My main supervisors said she fasted that day to ask Allah for blessings for me. My supervisors are angels.
As I stepped out of that room, everyone congratulated me, and we chitchatted for a bit. The panels remarked that I was very good at presentation and suggested I could be the right candidate to be a lecturer there. I politely declined, however, I am open for a research or part-time lecturing jobs. Everyone was so pleased in the end. As I got into my car, the happiness and feeling of relief is indescribable. The first person I wanted to break the news to was him (yes, you!); after all I’ve been through, you are still among my favourite persons to talk to. Then, I texted my mom to break the news. She has done a lot for me. Anyways, I spent a few minutes basking in the feeling and thought what I wanted to treat myself for a bit to celebrate. I thought, maybe I could celebrate with a couple of donuts and iced coffee, have lunch by the beach. I proceeded with the donuts and coffee, didn’t do the beach part as it was scorching hot. I really felt that I emerged as a different person as I stepped out of the room!
Group photo with panels sans examiners and with my supervisorsSupervisors and I, thank you so much! Postgraduate administration officer, she had helped me a lot and gave so much encouragement throughout! Minutes after I passed viva voce!Celebration!The unfortunate shoe I wore during viva, not sure it’s mom’s or my sister’s. Sorry didn’t know the heels had rotten and they broke scattered into pieces as I wore them during viva!
I find it hard to go back to my routine life, somewhat it felt like, why am I still doing this, then I remembered the chairperson remarks on staying humble. I guess she did have a point there and actually wasn’t there to criticise my personality. I did feel empty a few hours later. I went home to meet my family and they were all like the usual gloomy vibe, and I was like, I gotta get out of here! Probably it’s Monday’s blues for everyone and my niece started to ask weird questions towards me. I spent a few hours there talking with my niece and nephew. It was so weird but I just let it go.
The feelings after my viva. I definitely felt happy, excited and thrilled, but these feelings – sadness, loss, disoriented; they were all there and felt too. I did a quick search if anyone else felt the same. So relieved to find this thread (End of my PhD and I cannot feel relieved : r/AskAcademia) and that I am not alone.
I am now yet to redefine my existence. What does this degree mean to me? How would I utilise all of these, reconfigure my life towards my goals? I think this is it. Finally the death of the old depressed, directionless version of me. I have shed my old skin. With greater power, comes greater responsibility. Things are going to get more exciting and expansive after this. So I have to declutter and prepare myself for what’s to come. That starts with my home and let go of the responsibilities that are not aligned with my goals. Doing a Doctorate degree and completing one is one hell of a journey. Thank you so much to everyone who has and had been with me throughout the journey; whether you are directly or indirectly involved, doesn’t matter, you all do count. Here is to the new chapter of my life!
My presentation slides are done, I considered previous feedbacks and kind of just wing it for my mock presentation today. My supervisors don’t know who are going to be my examiners so we tried to be as prepared as we could.
At first go, my presentation was 30 minutes which was so over the top from 20 minutes time cap. I thought I had plenty of time. Each three of us has our own concerns and on what to be prepared, what to do and what not to do. I was at first annoyed at my supervisor, I don’t know maybe she already was busy or concerned about something that I felt some of her suggestions were unnecessary and out of line. I respectfully counter (maybe next I would thank her first, not only her, but anyone for offering feedback) and defended why I did certain things and why some stuffs are necessary, and stated what kind of suggestions that would be helpful for me. But yeah, these happen a lot between us, but eventually we all settled down and things worked out between us. I like that my supervisors and myself can be truthful to one another without judgement, and that they gave me the freedom to stick to my style but with necessary adjustments.
After I finished my presentation, we hanged for a bit chitchat and they started to ask how I was, how’s my work and all. I just told them straight how exhausted I am and my nervous system starts to get dysregulated again. But I guess they didn’t understand how dire it was for me. Nevermind, at least they were concerned enough to ask. My supervisors were so kind and supportive as how a lecturer would normally would be.
One of them expressed her observation that I am happy with my job. Happy, maybe, contentment no. I feel like I have not actualised what I have to offer the world and for myself. I have not reached my full potential yet. I guess that’s what my dad is feeling about me as well. Most times, he’s not belittling me nor looking at me as an incompetent person. He just sees so much potential in me. Maybe he’s upset that I keep wasting them away. Maybe he wasn’t controlling me back then, he just wanted to steer me towards the direction that he felt a much safer route. I will reach my full potential, as that’s my aspiration as well, but this time, on my own terms. So yeah, don’t you worry Dad!
Back to viva, there are still plenty of things to do. Redo some sections of the slides, make it looks more professional, find a little bit of evidence, and practice my timing. I am just so mentally exhausted after this morning’s session. I am going to have lunch, have my nap and set my new course of actions. Thankful for today’s time with my supervisors. May Allah ease my next journey.
