Virtually Nurul – { Research | Fitness | Designs } by Nurul

Category: Personal Growth

  • What It Means to be A Woman

    Relating back to my discovery about woman archetype in my previous post, I thought, “Wow, this is something new!”. Out of curiosity, naturally, I did one of the quizzes and the report showed that my archetype is mostly the Wild Woman, followed by Lover and Mother (both because same score). I did several other quizzes, the archetypes kept changing, but still revolve around Wild Woman, Mother, Lover and another one – Mystic Woman.

    Woman or feminine archetype originates from Jungian archetypes theory, and further expanded by a psychiatrist, Jean Shinoda Bolen. Screenwriters and writers alike used these archetypes to develop their fictional female characters in their stories. It is likely that, at a certain point, women radiate an archetype depending on their situations and what they are facing in their lives at the moment. A woman might have all the archetypes, but there would be a few dominant ones that would reflect on how she responds to the environment, and she lives her life. More about it is greatly summarised here in this post on Mindvalley, and an extensive list of archetypes also defined here. Some writers, or feminine coaches might term the archetypes differently, but essentially, they are consistent. There are typically 7 main archetypes and its essence (some expands to 12), which are:

    • The Lover – sensual
    • The Mother – nurturing
    • The Huntress – courageous
    • The Maiden – innocence
    • The Queen – charismatic leader
    • The Mystic – peacefulness
    • The Sage – wise

    You could try quizzes online. The one that I recently tried is this one. And this is what it says about me as the Wild Woman. It appalls me that my Queen archetype percentage is one of the lowest! The Queen energy is so much applauded and women everywhere are inspired to be one. What does it say about me as a woman? Maybe there is no right or wrong about it. Each and every archetype has its own strengths and weaknesses. The benefit of having the awareness I think is that I tend to be more understanding and have less judgement of why other women rarely think or behave like me. Each woman is unique which is why we need to be more curious of what drives a person or a woman to behave the way she does. It also could be useful to observe my dynamics in relationship with people, platonic or romantic. What my feminine energy says about a situation? How do I deal with it?

    Because of living and fighting in surviving mode, added up with demands from people around me, I might have repressed and lost touch with my feminine energy. I never thought myself as a feminine one. The more I untangle the emotional messiness and the effects of childhood trauma, the more I realised that most of my actions and judgements were reactions and responses caused by trauma. I know how to survive, but I did not know how to be myself, as a feminine woman. I also got to know that I am and have always been so feminine, only I did not know and did not acknowledge the softness and creative side of me (lack of validation). It is sad to think of it, but I am also grateful to discover it now at this age of 40. Now I understand, why I need to have my specific rest routines after work – I am exhausted being masculine, and need the space and time to tune back towards my feminine energy. I know now how to be in my power and be my most authentic and feminine self that I have neglected many years ago. Nevermind the Queen, I am fine being the Huntress for now.

  • Relationship

    I was scrolling through Instagram and chanced upon a reel with a man giving relationship advice. My initial response was, not another game-playing advice please – but continued to watch. There I saw a man who was talking through a perspective of trauma – of someone who lost it all and finally found happiness. So, other than finding recommendations that after break up to abstain from dating for a duration (3 months times year of dating) to heal, I also chance upon a discussion on female archetype.

    I did one of the quizzes, and it said I am mostly a “Wild Woman”! Followed by “Mother” and “Lover” (same second highest score) archetypes. I will research more and write about it in a different post. I feel that there’s so much about being a woman when I understand the different archetypes every woman embody.

    Something about work got on my nerve, too, today. My initial reaction was to give ultimatum (yes, I am tired of my boundaries being broken). But I am giving it another chance, and try to solve it as wise as I can.

    Relationships are hard, especially when dealing with dysfunctional people. By the way, the Instagram account that I was talking about is Danny Morel’s. So good contents, very wise, very authentic. Ok, I will not be dating anyone for a year until June 2024.

  • Desire for Control – Emotional Flashback/Overwhelm Relapse!

    I was so looking forward for today cause it’s my first ortho review and I was excited cause I get to change the band for my braces. Today I chose blue!

    As the day progressed, so many negative things happened, like, water cut for a few hours at my apartment caused by pipe repair, therefore I ran late for review (oh my gosh! I hate being late gave me so much rush!), did not manage to send parcel I planned to today, my kuih plan did not turn out as I plan, and my PT session got cancelled again. And by the end of the day, I was so exhausted and seemed like occupied my day so much – but nothing gets done!

    Been feeling this way for a few days already. Being exhausted and overwhelmed when nothing goes my way triggered my anxiety a lot and the feeling that I am never good enough. At times, I can’t help feeling hopeless as I kept having flashbacks on that feeling when my efforts gone unappreciated by my dad. He’s not a bad man, I just know something within him is just wrong cause he cannot seem to show his appreciation to me no matter how great I did. I stopped caring about being validated, but today the feeling is all over the place which makes me sad and agitated.

    So, again, I must remember to ground myself, check of my good traits and strengths regardless of whether people notice or not.

    Secondly, where am I at on my hormonal cycle. Yes, this affects a lot!

    Third, check with my schedule and what I had been doing all week. My body is just exhausted. This week, I had 4 BodyPump classes (2 teaching full class, 1 team teach, 1 as participant), 2 CrossFit foundation classes and 1 powerlifting foundation class. And I did not sleep and eat enough. Added up with cooking errands for my mom. That’s quite a week already! Maybe both cancellations of my PT sessions were a blessing, if not I would be more exhausted I guess. I may have breached my own boundaries here.

    Last one, I would normally gave my body a good stretch especially for my back, and put on the essential oil diffuser to loosen up.

    I still have errands to do the next day, what with back to back weekend classes. Seriously exhausted and overwhelmed, I gotta help myself. Apart from overwhelm, I know I am feeling insecure right now with all the uncertainty of events.

    My pace is accelerating, which is good for the momentum. I gotta know and find a way to be more balanced but still get things done. For this, must be more efficient when doing things and delegate what others can help do for me.

    Badly need a good cry.

  • My ‘Perfect’ Life

    What has been up with me? I have gone through a profound excruciatingly painful phase of life these few years. My life was great, rosy and full of hopes and dreams up to the year 2007 (I was turning 26 years old) – my first ever heartbreak that made me move away from the city I was living and working at that time. And also, I was escaping from a commitment that I had mistakenly submitted to (more about it later). Moreover, the fuel price was starting to shoot up and the beginning of recession by credit crunch worldwide. I felt really vulnerable living on my own with all the emotional breakdown I was experiencing at that time. Beyond that I felt that my world was consistently crushing down (I said, I “felt” because apparently that was not the reality), until I came to the realisation that something was really up with me.

    Not at first, without the help of a few toxic relationships I developed with a few people – these happened since 2009. This guy pursued me relentlessly, and I was like OK, my world is over anyway, what possibly could happen worse? I did not like him at first, but he grew on me. Anyways, it was on and off thing so we finally separated for good in 2017. Wow! That was 6 years of time wasted. Second one I was in a very manipulative mentor-student relationship. Good thing out of it was, I realised my life was unhealthy mentally, emotionally and physically – something was wrong with me. I was even called the narcissist – I believed it for a while. I started to learn more on psychology and relationship dynamics. It happened for a good 2 years. The final straw was when I, again, in sort of a relationship with an emotionally unavailable man out of deception. I did not know better. He behaved like my dream man for a while then things started to change; and I was in consistent pain and agony; confused and in doubt if this man actually cared for me. Because of this, I read so many books on relationships, trauma and the most important part is I came to realisation that I urgently need to come back to being my true self to have the courage to straighten my life out. OH MY GOD! From there on I was in an emotional rollercoaster for a while, amplified by COVID-19 outbreak, and I was again back in an extremely vulnerable position – I lost my career and source of income. Wow, what a time to get depressed. I cried a lot, felt worthless, unable to get out of bed as a functional human being for months. I went through life as usual, but inside I was dead. Then, another event happened where I thought I was sidelined by my own family members. It was really shocking to experience that, and I hope nobody has to go through it. I still was in the toxic relationship at the same time dealing with the drama.

    Not all that happened were bad, in between all the drama and heartbreak, I managed to earn MSc degree from UK, lived in UK for 2 years – that was the best experience. Helped someone to get his dream job, started running long distance, scaled a few mountains in Sabah and Sarawak, did my 7th climb on Mount Kinabalu, trekked in epic Sarawak highland trails, lots of adventures in nature, discovered that I could really paint – that I managed to get a few commisioned jobs, filmed for commercials and recorded for media interviews, full-fledged ran a company from the ground up, fulfilled my dream to become a teaching fitness instructor, certified BodyPump(!) instructor, enrolled in doctorate program; and gained a lot more! I appreciate myself to be able to function and achieve so much despite of my dysfunctional mental health. As I healed more, the more I realised my dysfunctional patterns, the source of it; and that I also played my part in enabling my previous relationships to be toxic. I did allow them to happen. Nobody forced me, it was my choice at that point of time. So, if any of you are reading this, please know that I don’t hate you and blame you for anything! It was partly my fault. Good it was all over, I can focus all my energy on myself again. When unfortunate things happen to you, it is so easy to blame others and find excuses why it could not work out. Often, I asked God, why me? Do you hate me? Why did you let me meet these people? And a lot more questionings in frustration. It took more or less 3-4 years to really heal upon meeting my own shadow. Then, I understand now, it is not like a linear thing and there is no fixed destination as we also gradually grow in constant with renewed knowledge and evolve to become a new person – stretching that illusion of the finishing line to become a fully healed individual. I will write in another post on my healing journey and strategy to be better.

  • Manifesto of the Brave & Brokenhearted by Brene Brown

    There is no greater threat to the critics and cynics and fearmongers
    Than those of us who are willing to fall
    Because we have learned how to rise

    With skinned knees and bruised hearts;
    We choose owning our stories of struggle,
    Over hiding, over hustling, over pretending.

    When we deny our stories, they define us.
    When we run from the struggle, we are never free.
    So we turn toward truth and look it in the eye.

    We will not be characters in our stories.
    Not villains, not victims, not even heroes.

    We are the authors of our lives,
    We write our own daring endings.

    We craft love from heartbreak,
    Compassion from shame,
    Grace from disappointment,
    Courage from failure.

    Showing up is our power.
    Story is our way home.
    Truth is our song.
    We are the brave and brokenhearted.
    We are rising strong.