Category: Personal Growth

  • I Passed My Viva Voce!

    I have been meaning to write about this on the day itself, but I was a bit disoriented and emotional that day. Despite of massive congratulations I received from everyone, I didn’t feel a lot, like excitement or something. People asked how I felt, I said, “Not a lot actually. I am still figuring out what it means.” I know right, despite of all the struggles I endured, it felt the same, and it concerns me a bit. Should I see a therapist now? Anyways, that aside, I did feel truly happy and relieved. It’s just that I still have a lot of work to do. So here’s the account of what happened on the day I passed my viva voce – 24th February 2025, like finally!!!

    My viva day, was exactly like I had planned out to be. I prepared my outfit that would make me feel my best, played on a song that would set my spirit up for it – check the song Bad Boy by Megisto out! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EYZ9IjgVnxc). Looked my best that I felt confident with (wasn’t happy with the shoes that I borrowed, but all my shoes are all broken. Minor thing, that’s okay). My nerves were like crazy as I had difficulties to sleep days prior. I told myself, “I am gonna be okay and that I have prepared for this for a long time, I know my work, I did my best – the rest is up to Allah. I am not the smartest person in the world, and it’s okay if I do not get what I had expected.” My mindset that time, is to give my best to explain my research, educate and give clear information of what I did; rather than defending anything. I guess I had the confidence I needed because I prepared well, and everything was in line. Like I read my thesis again back-to-back; aligned my presentation with the story on my thesis, practised my timing and focus on what to explain on a given slide, how much time to spend, made the adjustments needed as suggested by my supervisors.

    I arrived 30 minutes early from my viva presentation slot scheduled time, met my supervisor and she’s like, “Cantiknya Nurul!” I smiled at her and settled myself with all the technical preparation for my online presentation. Good thing I learnt from therapists on how to ease my anxieties so I just did the breathing technique taught and told myself it’s going to be okay. I looked good on the camera, I screenshot it but caught by everyone looking on the big screen and I was so self-conscious about it and didn’t manage to save it! Anyways, my viva went no longer than 2 hours, just about 1 and half maybe?

    My viva voce setup with panels and my supervisors

    Before my presentation, we, my supervisors and I were asked to leave the presentation room first for panel meeting. When we were called in, I straight away presented when we were all ready. My presentation on my screen was 17 minutes but the chairperson noted that it was 15 minutes. The examiners did not ask much on the presentation and we quickly proceeded to my thesis where we went through and discuss the chapters one by one. I liked how the examiners pointed out the details on my thesis, they were both very considerate and constructive with their remarks. Everyone present said I was lucky because I had good and thorough examiners. I was just being myself, and focused on enlightening the examiners, rather than defending my stuffs when asked questions. I admitted where I did wrong and when I didn’t know my stuffs. Looking at the expressions of my supervisors they were all like worried when an examiner pointed out a mistake. I was just taking notes and looking at them as a point to consider to improve my thesis. As we ended, my supervisors and I were asked to wait outside to give room for second panel meeting to discuss on my results.

    When we were called in, the chairperson gave her remarks, on how the moment was the moment every student has waited for. The examiners gave their results – that I passed with major correction. I could see my supervisors were so thrilled and did a small clap. I, on the other hand, was already assuming that I for sure gonna get a pass. I was thrilled, but probably less thrilled than everyone in the room. According to them, the major correction doesn’t matter anyway as they thought I needed more time to rewrite my thesis which I do. Thank you very much to examiners! The chairperson then called for everyone to say something on the results. My supervisors turn first, I couldn’t remember what they had said. Then it’s my turn. I thought, I owe this for myself and all the hardships flashed back to me. My speech went more or less like this. “First and foremost, I would like to thank for the examiners for the results. I would like to use this moment to acknowledge on my efforts on how hard I worked for this research.” I paused and tears welled up. Then I continued, “So, I want to thank myself for holding on. And of course, it is not just me making this possible, my supervisors, everyone in the postgraduate administration team for making sure I pay my dues as a student and so many more.” That’s all I could think of that time. The chairperson concluded the meeting with saying things like to stay humble, and acknowledge other people’s effort and stuff. When I first heard of her speech, it’s like she’s judging me and I was like, maybe she has never met someone who considers and values self as much as I do, and claim it out loud. I just let that go. Before we adjourned, I hugged my supervisors and thanked them. My main supervisors said she fasted that day to ask Allah for blessings for me. My supervisors are angels.

    As I stepped out of that room, everyone congratulated me, and we chitchatted for a bit. The panels remarked that I was very good at presentation and suggested I could be the right candidate to be a lecturer there. I politely declined, however, I am open for a research or part-time lecturing jobs. Everyone was so pleased in the end. As I got into my car, the happiness and feeling of relief is indescribable. The first person I wanted to break the news to was him (yes, you!); after all I’ve been through, you are still among my favourite persons to talk to. Then, I texted my mom to break the news. She has done a lot for me. Anyways, I spent a few minutes basking in the feeling and thought what I wanted to treat myself for a bit to celebrate. I thought, maybe I could celebrate with a couple of donuts and iced coffee, have lunch by the beach. I proceeded with the donuts and coffee, didn’t do the beach part as it was scorching hot. I really felt that I emerged as a different person as I stepped out of the room!

    Group photo with panels sans examiners and with my supervisors
    Supervisors and I, thank you so much!
    Postgraduate administration officer, she had helped me a lot and gave so much encouragement throughout!
    Minutes after I passed viva voce!
    Celebration!
    The unfortunate shoe I wore during viva, not sure it’s mom’s or my sister’s. Sorry didn’t know the heels had rotten and they broke scattered into pieces as I wore them during viva!

    I find it hard to go back to my routine life, somewhat it felt like, why am I still doing this, then I remembered the chairperson remarks on staying humble. I guess she did have a point there and actually wasn’t there to criticise my personality. I did feel empty a few hours later. I went home to meet my family and they were all like the usual gloomy vibe, and I was like, I gotta get out of here! Probably it’s Monday’s blues for everyone and my niece started to ask weird questions towards me. I spent a few hours there talking with my niece and nephew. It was so weird but I just let it go.

    The feelings after my viva. I definitely felt happy, excited and thrilled, but these feelings – sadness, loss, disoriented; they were all there and felt too. I did a quick search if anyone else felt the same. So relieved to find this thread (End of my PhD and I cannot feel relieved : r/AskAcademia) and that I am not alone.

    I am now yet to redefine my existence. What does this degree mean to me? How would I utilise all of these, reconfigure my life towards my goals? I think this is it. Finally the death of the old depressed, directionless version of me. I have shed my old skin. With greater power, comes greater responsibility. Things are going to get more exciting and expansive after this. So I have to declutter and prepare myself for what’s to come. That starts with my home and let go of the responsibilities that are not aligned with my goals. Doing a Doctorate degree and completing one is one hell of a journey. Thank you so much to everyone who has and had been with me throughout the journey; whether you are directly or indirectly involved, doesn’t matter, you all do count. Here is to the new chapter of my life!

  • Bathroom Makeover

    As per my development plan this year, I am going to do some minor change on my bathroom appearance as the original tiles were so badly stained and getting hard to clean. I mean, I scrubbed the floor and all and the tiles especially the floor still look dirty. And then, the other day, the original bulb which is in dim yellow colour blew off. After I replaced it (yeah I change my own light bulbs) into a new one I found lying inside the house which is in day white colour, the overall look of the bathroom is so horrifying that I find it hard to use the bathroom and sleep thinking about it’s condition. Even after I gave it a good scrub, I still find it so dirty.

    So after doing some research since last year, I decided to just go for it and get it all done at once. I face a bit of hiccup here when my expenses is again out of range, I have not tracked down yet how much and where I spent my money this month. But for the bathroom itself, roughly I spent about RM250 and going to be less than RM350 I hope.

    I just relocated all the stuff inside temporarily and gave it a fresh paint. Even managed to detach the yellowing plastic toilet seat cover.

    First round of painting, the original tilings as in the middle – these after I scrubbed the wall and floor like crazy, and the ceiling repainted. I am so gonna replace the bucket or just not use one and fix the shower instead. Reflecting back, I did so much to fix the bathroom already. First, I fixed the leaky flush tank; then I proofed the tiles and the edges of the bathroom floor so that no water leaking down to the unit below me. I changed the tap from the original one with one with bidet sprayer attached to it.

    Funny thing happened when I realised that I gotta buy tape before I proceeded to paint with the blue paint to ensure no messy lines. I was automatically in my head went, okay I’ll buy it tomorrow on my way to my parents and other planning stuffs. Then I had to reassure myself, for God’s sake it only takes less than 30 minutes to walk to the shop to get them. Like now or never. I just quickly changed into a proper attire and get the tapes. It wonders me how my mind works sometimes. Ruminating over easy tasks. Anyways, I’m sure I’m not the only one like this. I often batch tasks, more efficient way of doing many things at once.

    So I head home with a couple of masking tapes. I have used them before for walls. Did the usual painting deeds covering areas I didn’t want to get stained with the blue paint. After I was satisfied with the coatings, I went out and just let the paint dry. As I got home, like seriously, I immediately checked on the paint condition and started to peel off the tapes out of impatience. The white paint at the bottom peeled off together with the tape. I told myself, ok next time find proper tape don’t use masking tape again. So the ruined part I immediately covered with the blue paint. Now I have to do another round of white paint touch up again. I just want to do it proper and right and get it over and out of my head.

    After! Picture at the top with tape, and picture at the bottom without tape. Still waiting for the paint to dry entirely before I start putting stuff back in. Majority of the work is done. I am feeling a bit misaligned not being able to use my bathroom as usual but it’s only temporary. It’s gonna get way better. Will follow up with other adjustments that I made with this bathroom. Now waiting for another tub of paint to arrive and some other accessories.

  • Valentine’s Day

    I am a sucker for Valentine’s Day. If I am in a relationship, and we are not celebrating – that’s like not celebrating love. So, I had everything all planned out what to do on Valentine’s Day. It fell on Friday and I taught double classes that day. I wore all pink to class. After class, I dropped by the usual shop I go to, to get a Valentine rose for me. It was nice also that the ladies from gym treated me with Dunkin Donuts, I didn’t need to buy chocolates or desserts for myself.

    This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is IMG_20250214_232439-576x1024.jpg

    Beforehand, I just came across with really wise relationship content by Lewis Howes which I am going to share here. First one it talks about 5 wounds from childhood trauma that need to be addressed to be in a healthy relationship. To cut short, these wounds are:

    1. Rejection wound
    2. Abandonment wound
    3. Shame/humiliation wound
    4. Treason/betrayal wound
    5. Injustice/unfairness wound

    Martha happens to be an eldest sister and pretty much had same wounds with me, especially the fixer helper stuff. I can totally relate to what she had faced. So seeing her ending up with a very healthy man in relating with others, made me feel so happy and hopeful. The next video, she talks about the key elements from her perspective, to have a great relationship.

    What I took the most from this conversation is that we all often have distorted view on what romantic relationship should look, be and feel like based on movies and the feel good happily-ever-after stuffs. But yeah, I definitely want to be with someone I have good friendship, passion and chemistry with and also someone that I am madly attracted to; however, it’s not enough to build a lasting healthy relationship. She talked about her relationship acronyms BALANCCCED:

    • Be your authentic self. Be yourself. Get to know yourself. Get to know how you do like to be loved and how do you like to love.
    • Acceptance. Accept the other person for who they are. Take time to know the other person. See if values, vision and lifestyle match with yours.
    • Laughter. Have lots of them. Joy, play, appreciation of one another.
    • Allowance. Flexibility in allowing another person to make mistakes and living their own human experience, freedom to choose how one lives his life. Make the other person feel safe by allowing the person be his own authentic being and not trying to change him to make you feeling safe and secure.
    • Nurture. Have a nurturing life separate from partner’s
    • Commitment to the vision of the relationship
    • Compassion. When somebody is being vulnerable, see them as the wounded inner child and have some compassion for them.
    • Curiosity. Approach conversation with curiosity. Avoid inclination to assume the worst or that someone is out to get you.
    • Education. Educate yourself on who your partner is. Their inner child wounds, incidents when they were hurt in the past, their past lives, struggles, and compassion to understand. Care to know the specific things the other person needs. Personal growth.
    • Dios. Or God. Solidifies and binds all the things together.

    And the last one with Jillian, so much sense in this one. The key points I take from here are:

    • Your relationship reflects the relationship you have with yourself
    • Relationship killer – 1) not knowing how to manage chronic stress (so guilty of this!), 2) taking relationship for granted, 3) not knowing how to have difficult conversation on boundaries, expressing needs, vision, mistakes etc
    • Take time to get to know someone before deciding to commit – am I feeling safe, seen, free to express myself as I am, respected, accepted and appreciated?
    • Women do not need to be rescued. We can save ourselves by having confidents and self-worth – having the strength and courage to face own problems
    • Don’t fixate yourself to change the other person – no one likes being asked to change. It has to come from the other person. Give them the opportunity to work on their own struggles. Demands are like building a cage to the other person to make you feel safe. Sense of safety should come from within, not from other person or circumstances.

    I learn a lot in one day. Most of all to believe the information you are seeing and receiving from the other person as it is, not seeing from a place of potential from your perspective. Don’t add, don’t subtract.

    The right person will know how to hold your love. The right person will choose you just as deeply you choose them. You will not have to quiet the way you care. You will never feel like you are too much. You will not have to beg for the love you deserve. One day, you will be met where you are. One day, you will be someone’s favourite person and you will not feel confused. You will not feel like fighting for someone who is not fighting for you. One day, you will understand that it never mattered, how tightly you held on to the wrong people, or how intensely you tried. The right people were always going to stay.

    @rainbowsalt

    What’s for me, will be with me. Cheers to that, just focus on what I want to develop at the moment and enjoy my solitary life. Happy Valentine’s Day to me. I love you.

  • 2025-2028 Plan

    So, I just roughly (and some meticulously) thought about what I want to focus on in 2025. My issues now include:

    • Recurring burnouts from evening classes – not enough time to resettle for the following day
    • Not enough focus on building my skills in CrossFit
    • Nutrition consistency, but getting there
    • Variable monthly expenses – hard to control where my money is going
    • Lack of focus and clarity when doing deep thinking work
    • As much as I want financial stability, and know how to get there, I also want the balance and the ability to maximise my time for crucial work to think and strategise stuffs that would set me up for better financial return
    • Budget for self-care stuffs

    Nonetheless,I feel that I want to do a lot of self-care stuffs this year. I have neglected myself too much already. I am so done with taking care of other people’s needs over mine. To do this, I need some budget and have to work less hours than what I am doing now. One way of maximising my skill is by offering online training services. I gotta figure out (again!) what is the best way of doing this. My barrier now is so many things to do, so little time. I practically am spending most of my free times recovering at home. I feel like I am losing touch of myself – the person who loves to be out and enjoy the sun, beach, afternoon breeze, whatever. These small changes I am making are for the longer-term and period. I might not get what I want this year, so the goal is really to pave the way to make my life better.

    This was my ideal state to achieve in 2 years (target August 2025) I wrote in 2023:

    Financially stable, potentially earning at least RM3k and above, with savings on car maintenance and emergency events, manageable debt repayments. Steady stream of income and balance working on passion projects, family business and my role as a consultant after graduated from DBA program. Calm and happy.

    The area I wanted to work on previously were, Marketing & Branding, Sales Opportunity, Time Management, Fitness & Well-being, Finance, Business Development, Preliminary Action. By end of timeframe, I would already have graduated and achieved at least 60% of my ideal state – especially the finance part where I am able to pay my monthly debts and secure some money for my savings.

    Looking back, I am 90% there, only business left is to graduate my DBA degree. The new development plan is adjusted adding on my specific focus for the next 3 years (25 January 2025 – 25 January 2028) which are Work Delegation, Pending Job, Home Making, Hobbies, Self-care & Wellbeing, Devotion, Education, Fitness & Nutrition, Preliminary Action, Finance.

    Self-care & Wellbeing

    ActionHowTimeframe
    Skincare routineGet COSRX set, snail mucin, propolis toner, peptide moisturiser, cleaner and sunblock

    Assess longevity of stocks and budget    		28 February 2025






    31 December 2025
    Hair maintenanceGet hair oil

    Haircut every 6 months    		28 February 2025

    25 January 2028
    DeclutterSell all sister’s used items at home

    Get rid of unused clothes

    Get rid of old under wears

    Develop system to recycle

    Develop system to house clean    		31 December 2025


    28 February 2025


    31 March 2025


    31 March 2025


    31 March 2025
    Update my wardrobeBuy 2 outdoor working pants
    Get more socks
    Buy new under wears

    Buy 1 or 2 jeans
    Buy 2 dress shirts
    Buy 1 pair of flats
    Buy 1 pair of dressy slippers

    Buy 1 leather court shoes    		31 March 2025





    31 December 2025






    31 December 2026
    Sleep hygieneGet extra set of beddings

    Get heavy blanket

    Sleep at least 5 hours a day

    8 hours sleep on weekends

    Change sheets twice a month    		31 December 2025


    31 December 2026


    25 January 2028





    Balance self-healing with enjoying lifeVisit parents every week

    Visit grandma once a month

    Wear makeup for errands

    Take myself out to nice places once a month – cafe, library, museum, city walks, beach, nature, arts, events, window-shopping

    Buy flowers for myself every 2 weeks    		25 January 2028
    Self-awareness and behaviour changeVision board

    Fixer behaviour awareness

    Perfectionism awareness

    Attention

    Abundance mindset

    Money psychology

    Inner child work    		31 January 2025

    25 January 2028












    Devotion

    ActionHowTimeframe
    Memorise QunutWrite and practice31 December 2025
    Write in my Dua JournalWrite before sleep daily25 January 2028
    Audit my fasts and pay fidhyahTrack from the earliest I can find

    Record in apps    		28 February 2025


    25 January 2028
    Improve my prayersWork around activities with prayer times25 January 2028
    Finish reading the Quran annuallyFinish reading in average 10 surahs a month25 January 2028

    Finance

    ActionHowTimeframe
    DebtsPay RM5000 off study loan

    Pay off RM1600 membership fees    		25 January 2028
    Investment (40%)USD MMF
    ASNB Fixed Fund
    ASNB Equity
    Principal
    Insurance
    ETF & Stocks    		25 January 2028
    Savings (60%)Emergency RM6,000 (HYSA 70%, ASB 30%)

    Gym Operation RM3,000 (HYSA)

    Competition Fund – 1,000 (HYSA)

    Travelling Fund – 2,000 (HYSA)    		25 January 2028
    IncomeEarn at least RM2,500 monthly from fitness

    Earn at least RM45,000 from Consulting    		25 January 2028



    25 January 2028
    ExpensesLive under RM1,500 every month (monthly commitments, fuel, utilities and groceries)25 January 2028

    Pending Jobs

    ActionHow Timeframe
    Mural at HATWKKRunning group photo section

    Helicopter section
    Logo section
    Diving chamber section    		30 April 2025


    25 August 2025


    Preliminary Action

    ActionHow Timeframe
    Produce report and send to each branchWrite general report on state level & personalise on branch level

    Submit reports    		30 April 2025
    ServiceBrainstorm quick entry service offering into the industry

    Develop service

    Launch    		31 May 2025




    31 December 2025

    1 January 2026
    Maintain contacts with key peopleCheck on agency activities25 January 2028

    Work Delegation

    ActionHowTimeframe
    Find instructors to replace HIIT, Tabata and Strength Circuit classesContact instructor and agree on pay, classes and schedule – to start on April 202531 March 2025
    Security feature on current gym appsSecure login for admin page31 March 2025

    Home Making

    ActionHowTimeframe
    Bathroom makeoverClean and paint ceiling

    Fill holes on wall tiles area

    Paint wall tiles

    Paint floor tiles area    		28 February 2025

    Main room cleaningWet mop and remove debris

    Source materials to level the floor

    Get flooring (vinyl or epoxy)    		31 December 2025
    Bathroom sink repairSource tools and pipes31 December 2026
    Beautify gardenGet 2 rose plants

    Get 2-3 other flower plants

    Orchid care and repotting    		31 December 2026
    Dismantle double decker bedDismantle and store away28 February 2025

    Hobbies

    ActionHowTimeframe
    UOB Art CompetitionCome up with themes and materials

    Work up on costs and items resourcing

    Start painting    		31 May 2025



    31 May 2025



    1 July 2025

    Education

    ActionHowTimeframe
    Pilates ISSA cert

    CF L1 cert

    NASM / ACE cert    		Save on at least RM5,000 for each certificate31 December 2025

    31 December 2026

    25 January 2028

    Fitness & Nutrition

    ActionHowTimeframe
    Nutrition systemGet information on what I buy and eat in a month

    Build a macro plan and budgets needed

    Eat 4 meals, 100-170g of proteins, less carbs daily    		28 February 2025








    25 January 2028
    TrainingBuild on existing skillset & volume

    Learn handstand

    Increase training intensity 4x a week

    More engine training

    Annual PR weights increase at 5kg each year

    Body fat % +- 22%
    Target weight 70kg    		25 January 2028

    It took me almost a month to deliberate what I want to focus for the development plan, and actually 2 days in completing writing all of this. Let’s start working towards my ideal self and focus!

  • Imago Relationship Theory

    I spent the past few days to rest and do nothing (despite of deadlines of my studies tasks but I know I could get it done real fast when I’m more regulated). Just started to feel the panic attack symptoms again. Good thing though I am more prepared this time to not focus so much on it and calm myself down. I finished 2 books and 1 that really create more awareness in me on how I relate with people. The book is an old-school relationship therapy one, Getting the Love You Want by Dr Harville Hendrix and his wife Dr Helen Hunt. So many have recommended on the book, I just finally managed to get and read it.

    It started with how childhood upbringing affects how we react or relate to others – this one is not so foreign to me as it’s gaining more popularity now. First, I was mostly affected by a mythical story on how a character (I forgot the name) who has 4 limbs (arms/legs) as a whole creature was split into two and thrown into earth. Then, it spent its life looking for its other half. The author described a good analogy on how an individual who was whole when he or she was born, but slowly losing wholeness due to events that represses the other half of an individual that touched around taboo issues, socialisation to be accepted in a community or a group that do not accept a person’s authentic individuality. The repressed or lost self then is the other half that we all keep searching for – mostly in a form of another person that we keep mistaken as ‘soul mate’, because essentially our soul that we are born with are lost and we want to be healed and be whole again. Using the story of mythical creature made me see and understand all clear and vivid on why I unconsciously am attracted to only a certain type of people.

    The Imago Relationship Theory talks about the phenomenon that we normally unconsciously pick a partner that closely resembles our parents – with all their good and bad traits. When we are mistreated by a partner, our pain caused by bad memories with our parents is activated and the body sends distressed feelings for fear of safety or death. That is why it feels so painful when I sense mistreatment from someone closest to me. I knew that I really need to dissect what really has happened and went on with me in my childhood. I used to think that I had an awesome one because I had plenty of time to play and were always surrounded with my cousins. I think what really screwed our upbringing stability, my siblings and I, was that mom had to go abroad to study and left us for a few years being taken care of by our maid and grandparents. And then after she got home, we moved to a new place which was much less nicer than our previous home (I think my parents were mostly stressed out during these times, economic bubbles and crash; while taking care of 6 growing children who need more resources and attention for school and education, teenage rebellious hormones etc), and I was sent to boarding school. I had many lovely memories with my parents, they really are not bad at all at parenting and providing – as they are also humans struggling with their own issues, a few crucial things were overlooked. Just to be more aware on my wound and triggers (by no mean I am being disrespectful, hurtful or petty towards my parents, I am so grateful that they have raised me so well), I am listing down what I liked and what I disliked about my parents and my childhood.

    Like list:

    • I like that my dad spent time to play with all of us – some incidents that I remember, he built a makeshift tent at our lawn, made paper kites for us to play on windy days, took us out to the beach on weekends, taught us to catch small fish from the stream
    • Dad is a nostalgic person – he recorded each of our memories going out, our achievements at school etc
    • He bought a bike and sent me to school every morning when I was 7
    • He cared about nurturing my intelligence and academic talents – he made wooden blackboard and dedicated to teach me maths in the evening whenever he could
    • He was really open and didn’t really shove gender roles expectations towards me, like pressuring me to be all demure and nice. I never had those dolls or other girly toys when I was a kid – not that I remember of. He gave me books, piggy banks, the ‘H’ building block sets that I really loved. He just let me play with my boy cousins doing whatever around his parents’ house whenever we had gatherings.
    • He is meticulous on cleanliness, his environment or who he associates with
    • He overall is a great provider financially
    • About mom, she is the nicer parent in my eyes
    • She acknowledged my presence and responded whenever I needed her
    • I thought she was the most gentle and beautiful woman in my eyes when I was a kid (well, mom is pretty and still look youthful for her age)
    • She collected stamps from all over the world when she was abroad cause she knew I loved collecting stamps (but the collection was ruined cause my brother threw it into swamp in one of our disagreements)
    • She rarely declines my requests or need for help
    • One of the memories that I would never forget is when one afternoon we were in my parents’ room and she scribbled a picture of me with pencil on paper.
    • She appreciates beautiful things and loves pampering me with girly beautiful stuffs like clothes, shoes, bags whatever.
    • She is creative with so many hobbies and crafts

    Dislike list:

    • Dad can be self-centered and insensitive to my feelings
    • He often dismissed what I had to say when trying to join in his conversation which left me feeling stupid and not making sense or feeling like I don’t have conversational skills
    • He does not know how to treat me like a daughter, does not show love, respect nor appreciation of my individuality
    • He often changes his mind on something making me feel confused at times
    • Fragile ego
    • Angry, lashed out on others, hypervigilant and short-fused – later acted normal as if he did not do anything outrageous that hurt us
    • Think he is the only one who is right
    • Mom doesn’t deal with things or difficult issues – rather let things solve itself (or other people jumping in to help)
    • She represses her authentic self – very different person at home, with friends and with her family
    • She does not really fight for what she wants and needs
    • She is not consistent – easily swayed by the mass or external circumstances
    • She does not see herself as a person capable of agency, often does not know what she wants and relies on others to influence her actions or decisions
    • She is chronically stressed and hides it
    • She can be disorganised
    • She can be petty and manipulative
    • She just hides herself as a person behind her role as a mother, wife, daughter, sister or whatever role she acknowledges herself as.
    • She can be overly critical of me and on how I do things
    • She can be persistent and tactical to get what she wants. Sometimes I don’t know her acting like a helpless person is because she really feels helpless or just an act to get us involved

    Often when I was little, I got frustrated with my parents and wanted to run away either to my mom’s parents house or my dad’s sister house who lives nearby with her family. I don’t recall my dad being close to his siblings due to him himself, often was away from his childhood home, except with one or two elder sisters. I think I have to add 4 more guardians that forms my childhood experience as well which 3 of them have passed away.

    • My aunt, who had worked in a bank that time. I view her as a smart career woman. She was chatty, funny and outgoing. We maintained relationship until the time she passed away this year.
    • Her husband, very nice man so different than my dad. He was lively, expressive and put his heart on his sleeves. I totally felt love and joy interacting with him as a kid. He loved us girls but could be critical to his sons.
    • My mom’s mother – she is the ultimate housewife and caregiver, model eldest daughter. Very disciplined and organised with chores and also has a lot of hobbies and skills. She is a very talented woman. She loves to cook us food but can be a bit dictatorial with us when we girls are not doing our functions as a lady, who cooks and serves men food and drinks – all the traditional role of a woman as nurturer and childbearer. I remember when I stayed with my grandparents, I had joined her everyday to the mosque for Maghrib prayers; went for all the weddings, gatherings whatever functions in the village. I spent a lot of time alongside her when I was not at school as I was the good helpful obedient smart first granddaughter. I learnt about how to earn money from her. She could be a bit prideful, as I remembered she scolded me when a teacher lent me a clothing item for a performance, saying to return it back and that we can afford to buy those for ourselves. I didn’t understand her sentiment that time but I felt that my grandmother has endured so much to become that way. Nonetheless, I often feel her love and warmth whenever I visited her.
    • My mom’s father – a retired teacher; he was a popular, artsy and charming man. Literally everyone who is a retired teacher or in their 50s and above in Sabah knows him or had been his student. He was a good storyteller and often so interested in what happened around him. I love that he was so fun to be around with and easy to talk to. His life was simple, tend to his farm in the morning till afternoon, home by lunch hour to eat and nap, out again and be back by dusk for prayers. He taught us on how to read the Quran when I was little. He was very comfortable being around us and his daughters, often teasing us; but sometimes I didn’t appreciate when he compared me with my mom cause my mom, according to him, was the most beautiful girl in the village before she got married. I didn’t really understand his character but he was fun to be with and often were up for some adventures for us kids. As I got older into adulthood, I feel that he became a bit critical of me for not leading a traditional life, not being married at a certain age and do not have a stable career (like working 9-5 or in government sectors). Both him and my grandmother had this scarcity mindset when it comes to money – probably because they have to raise 9 children together that time.

    I do not know yet what can I do with these information as I have not yet finished reading the book. At least I am aware what my triggers are now. As I reflected on my teenager and undergraduate student phase, I felt so odd and outcast, normally hid myself towards what I am good at – getting good grades. I remember feeling so much shame and guilt for not studying on a movie night at school that I skipped movie and decided to study. The thought in my head was, my mom deceived the scholarship provider by altering my guardian details, I didn’t deserve the scholarship and I must do well in studies so that I will not abuse the taxpayer’s money to fund my studies. This was when I was 14 years old. I was so angsty and rebellious during this phase – hormonal and not understanding myself and upset that people did not understand me. I think the school had aggravated my already self-conscious overwhelmed with unworthiness self a lot more. I found solace with a small group of friends in marching band and a teacher who had helped me a lot at school. I wasn’t at peace. In addition to the stressors of blending in with students with competitive and high performing mindset, I was deceived to sacrifice my appreciation of my beauty (my aunt told me it’s mandatory to cover my hair, when that was not the truth). I know this might sound funny and trivial, but I was not happy looking like an aunt who didn’t know how to style her hijab that time.

    Looking back, I think I should not punish my parents harshly for what happened to me. They pretty much accepted my anger, fashion sense and all. They provided me the best they could and still does when I need it. They just don’t know how to connect to my soul on a deeper level – like acknowledge my struggles, actually putting in more effort to show support in everything I do – not only on those that they agree with, being less critical of my choices, not putting so much pressure towards me to earn high income and respectable society status; as what they had projected towards my siblings. Among contributing factors are the boarding school system which is supposed to be the best and elite in the country, immature adults, distorted religious beliefs, temporary neglect when my parents were in tough times that I have dealt with that had scarred and changed the way I was. No one was present to be with me and teach me how to deal with my vulnerabilities facing my challenges and struggles. I was left with myself to make sense of things and learn how to survive – at least this is how I see my story. Probably in many years to come, I might see it differently, hopefully for the better.

  • Year End Review 2024

    It’s a week away before 2025 comes and I have not yet come up with my plan for next year. It’s just that my mind still has so much clutters and I can’t really point out what really is keeping me busy or unproductive (the magic word – I can’t really live without being productive). Maybe I should quickly sort out what’s going on recently.

    Last week was busy, like back to back preparations and attendance for Christmas parties and meetups, like from 14 Dec till 20 Dec, I attended 6 events, including dinner and my Christmas party classes. I think most of my energy went for the preparation, being socially present and I rest very little that week. Despite that, I really had a great time and the things that I prepared for went really well. I am so proud of myself for the courage to go out there and enjoy festivities with people I am not really close with. One thing that I noticed is that people really appreciate me and my presence. I don’t feel alone anymore. Best thing ever, a class participant told me, she said something like this, “Nurul, you are one of the best instructors that we’ve had.” I am so thankful with the opportunity to be around with such quality women.

    I am also worried that I spent so much on food these days. Like I ate a lot! I mean I really need food more than I used to have, but I don’t know if I am overdoing it or not. I also feel that I am heavier and have grown bigger – my waistline expands a bit cause my abs and obliques have grown a lot, but my body fat has reduced only a little. My lats are bigger as well as my arms and shoulders. My chest pecs are more visible now. I have not checked my measurement for a while. So, it’s pretty confusing to me. To be fair, I did a lot of gymnastics drills last week, maybe I need to recover and nourish myself a lot more. I also covered a lot more classes last week and this week. What makes me unsettled is that I now have to buy new sports bra as the ones that I have feels tighter than usual and at times I feel it’s hard to breathe. I can barely fit into my weightlifting belt – still can manage if I squeeze hard into my torso. Sometimes I look bloated from my side profile, the muscles just make my belly fat more apparent.

    I still have not finished my assignment and done with my viva presentation slides. I must do it latest within 1st week of 2025, otherwise, things are going to be so chaotic. Also, I got to pay my semester fees by then, and claim from EPF at least I can reinvest the money.

    The minor ones, my kitchen drain is stuck for a few weeks already. I thought I had it sorted out but the blockage just reduced a little bit after a few interventions. Options would be to ask my brother, ask the management or buy a temporary portable sink so that I can do my dishes outside. My plants are not doing well, some died and I killed my mom’s dying orchid. I feel so sad. Though it’s not my fault, I just want to do something nice for my mom cause according to her, my grandma had the orchid since my mom was a kid. Imagine how long had it been alive! I’ll buy her a new one with flowers. My car air conditioner is being erratic, still bearable but I got to sort this out because it’s dangerous to drive when it rains heavily outside.

    These are all my worries for now (that I can think of now). I feel that my body is inflamed and dysregulated with all these functions and worries. On top of that, I am also upset that my siblings do not acknowledge that we have to step away from the dysfunctional family dynamics that I am seeing and are accusing me of trying to break the family apart. That is the least of my intention. Of course I love my parents and all, but I don’t appreciate being treated the way everyone does – lacking in empathy, care, kindness and respect. They never take me seriously anyways, so might just focus on myself. What matters is I tried. I have to set my boundary and limit my interactions with them.

    Okay, that is a whole lot of stuffs to process and feel within a week. On towards what I want to work on in 2025. The focus is in generating wealth and creating stability; also building meaningful connections and relationships. So, areas that I am going to think about financially is on the targets and goals for my earnings, investments (set aside RM500 for year-end shopping), savings (at least RM2,000 ready) and debt management. Keep tracking my expenses so that I know how to configure my resources optimally. And then come up with figures and my plans on how to achieve my financial goals. Next one, strategies to manage AFC more efficiently – how can I use tools to simplify my processes while building more numbers. And then, start to think on my consultancy firm – core service, team and stuff, just about setting up, not even talking about earnings yet. I want to sharpen up my technical knowledge and find time to build a simple cloud solution for sale and subscribe. To manage my time and energy wisely, with teaching, training and recovery – pair with adequate nutrition, hydration and rest. My fitness goal would be to reduce my body fat percentage and progressing on skills. Finally, I have to set the timeline to finish pending projects.

    On personal level, I would like to treat myself a bit better and be more in control with my time and energy. Find time for creative hobbies, improve my living conditions, declutter and invest in skincare, haircare and quality clothings. Schedule and prep my nutritional needs ahead, and a lot more. Be mindful with my expenses, home and car maintenance; as well as get ahead of bills. Anything at all that will help myself to heal and become better. I want to be that person who enjoys fashion and the finer things in life again.

    Reflecting back, I have achieved so much this year. My income increased, and I actually hit my target set earlier. My competence and fitness level has grown a lot. I am a lot fitter and stronger than I was in January this year. I actually managed to finish my thesis – all the difficult stuffs; data collection (I still can’t believe I was so shameless with the whole thing, asked for help, travelled all over the place for this, like not overthinking if its logical or not – like just wing it!), data analysis, thesis writing – I managed to overcome. I pushed my limits. I stood up for myself a lot and had the courage to have difficult conversations. I practiced my set boundaries. Less of people-pleasing. I created a community of people who are loyal and value fitness. I was comfortable being and showing my true self. On love relationship and family front, not progressing so well but there were efforts made, and I did my best, which mattered. Best thing I could do is just let go and accept people as they are. Be at peace with it and just remain respectful and kind.

    I believed in myself more and trusted my abilities to overcome adversities. I can say that I have had a fulfilling year so far; and I have only God to thank for.

  • Good to Great by Jim Collins

    Finally finished the book after reading for more than 3 months. I am a bit agitated today trying to solve the kitchen drain problem to no avail. I decided to let it go and try again another day. Aimed to finish reading the book, at least I did something value-adding activities and just cross one of the pending stuffs today. Anyways, drain problem aside, my day is kind of productive in food-prep department so I am not worried if I am going to be malnourished for the next few weeks.

    Back to the book, it is about strategies or roadmap on how companies could be good from great. It has exhaustive illustrative examples on companies that succeeded and failed – very balanced and practical analysis, in my opinion. To sum up, to become good, there are 5 components that need to be present:

    • Level 5 leadership – leaders who are humble, visionary and authentic, realistic, brave to face harsh truth but remain faithful to goals.
    • Have the right people on the bus and discard the wrong people
    • Hedgehog concept – what we are good at, what we can be the best at, what are our economic engine (very nuanced and interesting concept)
    • Discipline culture – having disciplined people on the bus reduce the need to micromanage and can focus on strategies (again relate back with second point)
    • Technology as enabler (expand operation, simplify processes, increases productivity and profit)

    To build a great company, following the roadmap is not enough. The company must consistently build up what they are doing good at, that propels them towards their goals. The book introduces ‘Flywheel’ concept. That each momentum of buildup has to be iterated consistently like a pendulum, or a flywheel. Key thing is, there has to be momentum to keep improving, perfecting and progressing. Great companies don’t suddenly transform via flashy gimmicks or outrageous strategy overnight. It takes years of continuous improvement to arrive at where they are. As the book depicts, imagine an egg incubating before it hatches. People only notice when the egg cracks. No one can see the whole growing process within the egg during incubation. That concept appeals so much to me.

    Having read the book made me briefly think of what I am doing now. Do I want to make my fitness career or my IT consultancy thrive? How am I going to do both side by side? I must think hard and ask myself what I really need right now to get where I want to be. Fitness is all fun and great, but for now I don’t see stability and much growth in it for me; but it’s great to build a healthier community. Consultancy needs crazy networks and resources to even start up. I really want to do both but slowly adding more focus on consultancy. I know how to do both, I just need people and reflect back on the Hedgehog concept. What’s next, I got to create structure on the fitness side, simplify processes and redefine what are my goals for it to become a great enterprise to build what it has been doing; for consultancy, I am going to research my products and offerings for easy kickstart.

  • I Am Exactly Where I Need to Be

    Been wanting to write for a while. Have gone through some nice weeks prior and things are moving so fast that I need to process things for a bit. Took a break from training post-competition to reset my body and nervous system – seriously I was struck with one after another, thesis, training, classes, travelling on survival mode; and to unexpectedly received surprise messages – the usual hi and gone stuff; on the eve of my birthday, seriously? When I wanted to just be friendly and show that I feel happy for you for starting class, suddenly I got blocked again. Do you see your communication pattern? That drives me mad, but I am not gonna be affected by those anymore. Everything from you doesn’t have any clear context on me, as the recipient of your interaction.

    Now, that’s out of my system, I want to process on how sweet my brother has been for repairing my old little car on his own (it’s already 19 years old this year). He has been trying to fix it for weeks and spent so many to buy the tools and parts to help me. Funny thing too, my dad starts to join him outside at the porch with a cup of coffee in his hands, watching my brother fixing the car. Earlier, weeks way before, my brother told me he was ushered on wheelchair to the ICU, paralysed, as his blood pressure sky-rocketed to 250. As a fitness trainer, I know how urgently he needs intervention to care for himself. I told him to take things slow and don’t stress too much. He has done so much already. And then, I began to talk about our shared childhood trauma and how it affected us as adults interfering with our lives and causes unnecessary stress and hypervigilance. He didn’t want to listen to me at first, but I kept talking anyways – deep inside I know he felt shame and anger, or something else, as he kept asking me questions about our childhood and how it affects us. I told him to go do some searching on “childhood neglect” and “childhood trauma”; and that if he has the budget to go see therapist. I have been wanting to see one, but for now books and alternative means have helped me a lot so far. The pain of being in relationships with wounded/dysfunctional/abusive people have really forced me to think and find what’s wrong with me for choosing to be with them and to finally find ways to heal my trauma.

    So, back to my brother, I worry so much for him. I hope he could come and train with me to improve his health. A few days back, we were having lunch outside while waiting for my car tire replacement to finish at a workshop, and he brought up the topic about childhood trauma again. I am happy that he finally understands that there’s nothing wrong with him and that it’s the trauma responses that made us respond to things the way we do. I am glad that he gets the understanding that it’s not our parents’ fault either as they, too, at that time, wouldn’t have known better. Having that conversation, I hope he understands the pain that I have gone through upon knowing that everything I knew about myself was wrong for the past 38 years and that I have to isolate myself and rebuild a life and identity that is true to me at my core. After that conversation, I feel like I wanted to hug my brother (but I didn’t), it feels like he was that small little boy again who I need to protect as a big sister. I want him to know, that he can come to me and talk to me about anything that bothers him – same goes to my other siblings.

    Other than the stuff about my brother, I sort of feel that I am getting better at delivering a good class. My endurance has gone down a bit due to long rest, but being able to teach engaging 5 BodyPump classes in a week, on top of my regular Putatan classes is such a win for me this week. The new release is so hard. So this time, my focus is for my participants to gradually build in their strength injury free, find which area that is challenging to them and focus on diverting their fatigue to their technique and to feel the load as stimulator, not as something to avoid. I am just so grateful with this job and the crowd there, these guys have helped me in believing in my own strength and power as a person. Also, had a nice mamak dinner after gym cleaning with the ladies I teach in Putatan. I feel that it’s scary that we all are getting along better and getting closer, that my reaction was to immediately put boundaries and put up a wall so that they don’t know me that much despite of me telling hefty things about myself to them. Maybe it’s the reaction from being used to people taking advantage of me. I preached a lot about the nervous system, to avoid being in an overdrive – I hope someday they would get what I mean. I am also happy that I see a lot of progress for each of them, proving that their trainings start to trigger changes towards their body. I have just started to build my strength to getting back to CrossFit training, hopefully I would have enough to pay for gym fees and start training again by next week. The drills that my coaches gave me have helped me a lot and I see a lot of improvements on my technique and that my physique has changed a bit (I think my abs muscles, those forming six packs have grown a bit; and my shoulders width – the lats area, is a bit broader than before). My focus this time would be more on skills and actually finish all the prescribed conditioning workouts.

    My thesis has gone to the backseat a bit as I focus on finishing the last module that I have to attend and redo. Today’s class was the last one. I really enjoyed the sessions – it’s more like a study group environment rather than a full-blown lecture. The lecturer was so good and encouraging to everyone – even towards those who made outright mistakes in their presentations (but as a trainer, I am so used to correcting people real time, that I had to point out what could be done to improve their work – not apologising, I am just a direct person). I have been having this imposter syndrome, keep questioning myself if I am doing the right thing with my research, my framework and all – having interacted with her, and receving her feedback after presenting my work, I am now more confident with what I am doing. She explicitly tells everyone this – “Now I believe that she does her own work for her thesis, she really knows what she’s doing and she’s a very hardworking person.” Hearing that from someone I admire and respect, is so validating. Half of the postgraduate lecturers there know who I am and who my parents are, they might expect something lesser of me. I believe I do my best whenever I can with whatever resources I have to make it happen with the help and support of people around me. I am a person of effort; I am capable and I can do this! At the end of our class, the lecturer asked for feedback, and when its my turn, I just started saying how thankful I am for the class and the lecturer and my voice began to crack! I just almost cried but I kept myself composed, paused and talked slowly. I was surprised because it happened a lot when I talk about my research or anything to do with my studies. That’s how deep my feelings and attachment are to my research after all the things I have gone through to come this far. I still don’t know what that means.

    Overall, I really did have a nice weekend that temporary water disruption did not water down my contentment! I am not as fatigue this week, I take care of regulating my nervous systems, I get things done, I nurture my relationship with my family, secured a few new clients to train with me and made new friends. Today I realised, everything is already lined up for me. I just need to prepare myself to face them and follow through what is in store for me in the near future. I don’t have to worry if I would make it in each area of my life – everything will happen when it’s time. I just need to focus, keep building to be the best version of me that I can be and be ready to hit the gas for what’s to come in time. I feel that I have grown and healed so much from my old self. Thank you Allah for helping me.

  • DBT Emotion Regulation Skill

    Printed this out a while back. Again, I want to throw the sheets away so need to put them up here. Might be useful for others. Please email me at n.alam@alamyaakub.com if credits are needed (I don’t have the source details as of now), thanks.

    Skillsets:

    • Coping thoughts
    • Recognise your emotions
    • Cutting and self-mutilation exercise
    • Manipulation behaviours exercise
    • Addictive behaviours exercise
    • Thoughts and emotion defusion
    • Balancing thoughts and emotions
    • Positive activities log

    Coping Thoughts

    • “Nobody’s perfect. I can make mistakes.”
    • “This situation will not last forever.”
    • “I’ve also survived other painful experiences. I can survive this one too.”
    • “This too, shall pass.”
    • “My feelings come and go, just like waves.”
    • “I had experienced overwhelming emotions before and survived.”
    • “I am feeling uncomfortable right now, but I can accept it.”
    • “I can accept my feelings, and this way decreases their intensity.”
    • “I can feel sad and still deal with the situation.”
    • “I am strong enough to deal with what is happening right now.”
    • “This won’t get to me. I can ride this out.”
    • “I can step back, give it a rest, relax, and come back to it later.”
    • “I have survived similar situations and did well.”
    • “It is hard to feel at peace now, but this feeling is only temporary”.
    • “As difficult, the situation may be. I am going to survive it.”
    • “The current situation sucks, but it is only temporary.”
    • “I can feel stressed and still deal with the situation.”
    • “My emotions and thoughts don’t control my life. I do.”
    • “Feelings and thoughts are temporary. They will go away.”
    • “This is a chance for me to learn how to cope with my fear.”
    • “If I want to, I can think different thougts.”
    • “I can use proven methods to help me through this.”
    • “I feel this way because of my past. I am not in danger now.”
    • “I have overcome difficulties before. This will not be different.”
    • “I am going to ride out my feelings as if I were on a wave.”

    Recognise Your Emotions

    Ask yourself:

    • What just happened? (Give date and time)
    • How do I think and feel about what happened? (Be specific)
    • Ok, it happened, but why? (What caused it to happen?)
    • When it happened. What did your emotions tell you what to do? (What did you feel like doing?)
    • How did you react as a result of how you felt? (What exactly did you say or do?)
    • How did the things you said and did affect you later? (What were results of your action? Short and long term consequences?)

    Cutting and Self-mutilation Exercise

    • The cutting and self-mutilating that I engage in are:
    • The temporary rewards for my behaviour are:
    • The long-term costs and dangers of my behaviours are:
    • What are some things I can substitute self-mutilating with?

    Manipulation Behaviours Exercise

    • The manipulation behaviours that I engage in are:
    • The temporary rewards for my behaviours are:
    • The long-term costs and dangers of my behaviours are:
    • Without manipulating, what can I say or do to get what I want?
    • If somebody would manipulate me, how would I feel?

    Addictive Behaviours Exercise (Example alcohol and drugs)

    • I display these alcohol or drug-using behaviours
    • The short-term rewards for my behaviours are:
    • The long-term consequences of my behaviours are:
    • My drug and alcohol habits affect how I feel because:
    • I can improve my substance (alcohol, drugs, cigarettes) use by: (list down items)

    Thoughts and Emotion Defusion

    Use visualisation exercise to remove or feel changing thoughts and emotions. Example:

    1. Imagine you are on a beach by yourself. You are sitting by the sea. In front of you on the sand is written an emotion or thought. As you stare at it, the waves simply wash it away.
    2. It is a beautiful summer day. You are sitting near a stream. As you sit there, you watch leaves with your thoughts and emotions written on the pass you by.

    Balancing Thoughts and Emotions

    • What just happened?
    • How do I think and feel about what happened (be expressive)?
    • What evidence supports how I think and feel?
    • What evidence contradicts how I think and feel?
    • Considering all the evidence. What is a better way to think and feel about the situation?
    • What can I do to cope with the situation in a healthy way?

    Positive Activities Log

    List in a day or week in the following format:

    When?What?How did you feel?What did you think?

  • Don’t Look Back

    Triggered by a few events today. The day started out quite okay, then I started to feel gloomy. I had a quick nap after class, and then received a text from my brother asking for a document I may have from our past dealings. I started to feel heavy, but looked for it anyway and didn’t find one. One thought to another, I felt how much a failure I am on fulfilling my duty towards my family. I felt like I let my family down, especially towards my dad who sacrificed and spent so much for me. He was once my hero, but over time I just feel like he’s so full of himself. And I am feeling guilty because it is as if I am taking advantage of my mom’s unconditional love to help me whenever I am in trouble.

    I looked the document up on my old laptop (which was loaned by mom). It is full of files and my saved articles from the days before I met him; and during the earlier times we were together. Suddenly, the feeling of failure and remorse just rushed within me. My heart feels heavy, and I am just feeling shame and hopeless. Looking back, I am so doing way better now than I was; but I feel unsettled because it is as though me leaving and standing up for myself causes others to suffer.

    It is like, everything that I started feel like they are going to fail and that I am going nowhere – which is my biggest fear. Like, I am back to square one. Maybe my beginning is now – things fell apart, things and people who are not serving me are no longer with me. I raised my standard. I am not where I was before – and moving forward is scary. But I am not going to let this thought to hinder my progress away. I am supposed to finish writing my data analysis part. I was just full of it – the shame and the feeling like I was not good enough. I am good enough. I will complete my studies. I will run my own consultancy and IT business. I will make it as an athlete and as a fitness instructor. I will thrive financially. I will have a loving and fulfilling relationship with the man of my dream. I deserve the best that life has to offer. I deserve to live up to my full potential. Don’t look back, the time is now.