What has been up with me? I have gone through a profound excruciatingly painful phase of life these few years. My life was great, rosy and full of hopes and dreams up to the year 2007 (I was turning 26 years old) – my first ever heartbreak that made me move away from the city I was living and working at that time. And also, I was escaping from a commitment that I had mistakenly submitted to (more about it later). Moreover, the fuel price was starting to shoot up and the beginning of recession by credit crunch worldwide. I felt really vulnerable living on my own with all the emotional breakdown I was experiencing at that time. Beyond that I felt that my world was consistently crushing down (I said, I “felt” because apparently that was not the reality), until I came to the realisation that something was really up with me.
Not at first, without the help of a few toxic relationships I developed with a few people – these happened since 2009. This guy pursued me relentlessly, and I was like OK, my world is over anyway, what possibly could happen worse? I did not like him at first, but he grew on me. Anyways, it was on and off thing so we finally separated for good in 2017. Wow! That was 6 years of time wasted. Second one I was in a very manipulative mentor-student relationship. Good thing out of it was, I realised my life was unhealthy mentally, emotionally and physically – something was wrong with me. I was even called the narcissist – I believed it for a while. I started to learn more on psychology and relationship dynamics. It happened for a good 2 years. The final straw was when I, again, in sort of a relationship with an emotionally unavailable man out of deception. I did not know better. He behaved like my dream man for a while then things started to change; and I was in consistent pain and agony; confused and in doubt if this man actually cared for me. Because of this, I read so many books on relationships, trauma and the most important part is I came to realisation that I urgently need to come back to being my true self to have the courage to straighten my life out. OH MY GOD! From there on I was in an emotional rollercoaster for a while, amplified by COVID-19 outbreak, and I was again back in an extremely vulnerable position – I lost my career and source of income. Wow, what a time to get depressed. I cried a lot, felt worthless, unable to get out of bed as a functional human being for months. I went through life as usual, but inside I was dead. Then, another event happened where I thought I was sidelined by my own family members. It was really shocking to experience that, and I hope nobody has to go through it. I still was in the toxic relationship at the same time dealing with the drama.
Not all that happened were bad, in between all the drama and heartbreak, I managed to earn MSc degree from UK, lived in UK for 2 years – that was the best experience. Helped someone to get his dream job, started running long distance, scaled a few mountains in Sabah and Sarawak, did my 7th climb on Mount Kinabalu, trekked in epic Sarawak highland trails, lots of adventures in nature, discovered that I could really paint – that I managed to get a few commisioned jobs, filmed for commercials and recorded for media interviews, full-fledged ran a company from the ground up, fulfilled my dream to become a teaching fitness instructor, certified BodyPump(!) instructor, enrolled in doctorate program; and gained a lot more! I appreciate myself to be able to function and achieve so much despite of my dysfunctional mental health. As I healed more, the more I realised my dysfunctional patterns, the source of it; and that I also played my part in enabling my previous relationships to be toxic. I did allow them to happen. Nobody forced me, it was my choice at that point of time. So, if any of you are reading this, please know that I don’t hate you and blame you for anything! It was partly my fault. Good it was all over, I can focus all my energy on myself again. When unfortunate things happen to you, it is so easy to blame others and find excuses why it could not work out. Often, I asked God, why me? Do you hate me? Why did you let me meet these people? And a lot more questionings in frustration. It took more or less 3-4 years to really heal upon meeting my own shadow. Then, I understand now, it is not like a linear thing and there is no fixed destination as we also gradually grow in constant with renewed knowledge and evolve to become a new person – stretching that illusion of the finishing line to become a fully healed individual. I will write in another post on my healing journey and strategy to be better.