Today is Sunday. Typically, every morning after I train clients I will visit my parents and spend some time with my family. My parents and my sister and her family are not around. Therefore I decided to visit my grandma who was warded since yesterday. Since the hospital she’s in is on the same way I drive home, I did drive there despite of the scarcity of car park around there. Visiting hours are around 12.30-7pm, so I thought I wanna go early and eat something at the food court before seeing my grandma.
As I arrived hospital and proceeded to enter the food court, I met my uncle, cousin and my sister there. They just hang around after seeing my grandma. My sister left with my cousin. Left just me and my uncle having our meals together. My uncle is of the same age as me. We used to be so close when we were kids until I was so caught in the rat race of life and we drifted apart after that. Though, we still can talk like we used to sometimes. I just could not bare when he just drag his conversation talking about something that I have no interest in and not agree with. We talked about grandma. I asked how she was. He gave me full account of what happened to grandma. I asked him how he was with the whole thing. Is there anyone helping him out. My default thinking is – everything would work out. Despite of my reassurance, he was pessimistic about my grandma’s condition. I was taken aback a bit but prayed that she’s going to be okay.
Afterwards, we went up to the emergency wards to see my grandma. She looked different without her false tooth sets. I greeted her and my uncle put on her sets to feed her. She looked like usual again. My grandma has shrunk in size, she was a very lively and healthy woman. I chit chatted with her finding out how she was. I hope my visit could cheer her up a bit. She recognised me and talked non-stop – quite a chatter this one! My uncle already warned me that she might experience ‘sundowning’ – the first time I heard about this term. It’s one of the symptoms of dementia. She kept repeating the same story, on her frustration towards his brother on an incident. It is a funny one. There were a lot of occurrences when she couldn’t continue with her conversation cause she couldn’t name or recall what she wanted to talk about. And she kept saying how silly of her for not remembering what she wanted to talk about. Like, “This aging thing is silly”, of course in Brunei. I just entertained her and kept her in good mood. Funny thing when there’s a nurse who is of a healthy size and my grandma mistook her for my brother. She kept shouting my brother’s name to seek attention of the nurse. I was like giggling telling her that’s not him. My grandma was confused she thought she’s at home. I took turn with my uncle to feed her and when she couldn’t eat anymore I finish her meal on her behalf. She loves it when we feast ourselves whenever we are at her home.
While I was there, her brother’s family came to visit. I listened to their interactions and they were shocked too when they learnt about my grandma. My grandma is the eldest of her siblings – I think there are 12 of them. She is an important figure amongst her siblings. Her brother couldn’t make sense of what my grandma was talking about with him, I think he was hurting inside and only attended her for like 5 minutes and went outside afterwards. The brother’s family then met her one by one. She was talking about how my mom loves ambuyat, how all of us, my mom’s children love it and mentioned that my dad also learnt how to eat the dish. It’s like her mind goes all over the place.
After everyone was gone, my grandma moved around a lot cause she didn’t feel comfortable with how her body was positioned. I tried to shift her with the help of my uncle. She complained how uncomfortable she felt and wanted to discard all the supplement needles attached to her wrists. We insisted that she couldn’t. Then she talked to me as if I was one of the visitors in the ward. I was standing beside her that time. She didn’t recognise me. Then I moved so that she could see me in front of her. And in disbelief she’s like, “Oh it’s you. Oh my God, silly me!”. I can sense she was so upset about it. How could she not remember me, her first grandchild! I watched the monitor and her heart rate suddenly spiked up and down. I tried to calm her down. Telling her its okay, don’t worry about it. Don’t be upset. Her side vision is damaged by cataract that’s why she couldn’t see me clearly. Her chest was heaving up and down trying to breathe. I stood beside her and asked her to recite al-Fatihah and some other easy verses to distract her. Her pulse went crazy for a bit that it shot down to almost 40 bpm. I was so worried but encouraged her to focus and finish her recitation and lie down to rest. Then, the ward security announced that visiting time is over. I had to go. I gave a quick glance on her stats, they looked ok. My grandma hold my hand didn’t want to let me go and wanted to stand and walk with me. I assured her that I will be back to see her. Told her to recover fast and I’ll see her at home. She calmed down and I walked out of the ward with my uncle.
The moment we exited that area I broke into tears. My uncle hugged me by the shoulders soothing me, and told me to just be prepared for the worse. I just cried my heart out for a bit. It’s the first time I think he sees me cried or second time haha! Then I calmed down and just tried to digest everything. I told him to give me a call if he needs anything and that I will see grandma tomorrow after I finish class. As I drove home I felt numb. When I arrived home my soul had left me. It just felt weird, all the memories with my grandma came flashing back – all the good and bad. I ask Allah for forgiveness and told myself to forgive my grandma on how she raised me, on how her upbringing made me vulnerable to abusive people. She just did it out of love so that I can be the best woman to those who need me. I am an adult – I still am the one who steers my boat regardless of the past. I pray that my grandma’s health will be back restored and may Allah lend us more time to be with her with all her loved ones till her last breath.