Category: DBA Journey

  • Lifestyle Polarity

    Halfway in Week 2 of my data collection processes. It has been so draining mentally and physically (and financially), but oddly enough so fulfilling to my soul.

    I mingled with farmers and all from various districts, and like, so jealous of them. They don’t earn much, but they looked as if they’re pretty fulfilled with their life. Maybe from the outside. But I could feel and see how great the power of community in front of my eyes. It was something my late grandpa lived for. Live in kampung and be together with his community. Unlike me, it’s like always looking out for something, for what? Maybe I’m looking for validation that I’m a valuable person.

    I feel like a fake person, so engrossed with social media and my little bubble of self-preservation against I don’t know what real threats I could be facing. I am so connected to many people in such a short time. Almost all of the respondents earn just slightly more or less than I am, yet they survive, built a family and work in the farm as usual. I wonder what makes them so strong. Why am I so different than they are?

    I thought to myself, maybe cause I have lived abroad and experienced the best of both worlds. I have an overall idea how to get ahead in life. Why do I need to be ‘ahead’ though. What’s wrong with me right NOW? I am so thankful for my parents hard work to raise my siblings and I, but to me, they didn’t emphasis so much on what it means to be human and be a part of a community.

    This whole experience is so humbling to me and make me want to reassess how I live my life, my values and priorities. I already have what I need to lead a meaningful life. I don’t need much. I just need to do what is right for me and what makes me happy with the people or my community around me.

    I am just so grateful of this journey. It just has opened up my eyes to so many things about life. My worries are too small (but need to address) compared to the farmers that I have met. Despite of all the lackings in their lives, they still survive and are doing well. I would be OK too. Thank you Allah.

  • Data Collection Updates – 19/6/2024

    20/6/2024 – Ok I have had Smart PLS 4 installed. Next is to call RISDA Sipitang and Beaufort and engage with PKK representatives (3 districts). Also to build the model already for data analysis in PLS.

    19/6/2024 – Finally got things to move a tiny wee bit. I am planning to visit Kudat next week after much hassle and asking for help from others to coordinate and accommodate my movements going there. A few days beforehand, I was so stuck and caught in the difficulties. Then I remembered how I spent about 96 GBP for a trip to interview someone all the way from Wales towards north England, and that was only to fulfill one subject – not even a full course. I could do it again. And travelling all around Sabah should be the least of a problem for now. Just do it! So, it’s all action from now on. Next to do is to prepare printouts for 30 pax (if I got extra, I could use it for other districts later). Now Kudat almost sorted, I am moving on to Southwest Coast (Sipitang, Beaufort etc) and Ranau area. I notice that my main issue here is timing, as I am mostly feeling sane and OK after 3.30pm (after my tea break time). By this time, all the officers are packing up already. I will make a note to contact them earlier in the mornings around 8-12pm window.

    30/4/2024 – It’s May tomorrow, my data collection progress has been superslow. As far, I only have about 20 respondents from my expected 250 figure. People really are less likely to do it if there is no urgency for them to do it. I am a bit demotivated with this whole thing as I feel that I might not be able to make it within set time for the program and may need to extend my studies until I have all the data altogether. Worst case, I will only collect about 130 responses. I dislike cold-calling people and in my head, people mostly would not bother if I just call. They all prefer that I come and meet them in person. It is so frustrating but I had to get it done as it is a really important issue to cover. I gotta use May as efficient as I can, I don’t have much time now.

    My next milestones in May now are:

    • Call each representative from East Coast to inform my interest (Sandakan, Tawau, Semporna, Lahad Datu, Kunak, Kalabakan, Nabawan)
    • Get information on how much time do I need to be at the East Coast to collect data
    • Get information on costs and assistance possible to travel and for accommodations
    • Push for information from West Coast

    I mean if I have all the time, this would be so fun. However, I have other commitments and missing them might affect my income for June. And also, I might need to change my sampling technique. The things I need to read now are on TAM and TRI experiments towards current or novice user if there are proof of them in order to make my data valid.

  • Be Still

    I am just feeling so overwhelmed lately especially due to the excruciatingly hot weather and that I can’t eat or drink to at least give some motivation to keep doing what I needed to get done.

    Came across an Instagram post yesterday talking about trauma in women causing them to mess up in their feminine side believing that being feminine is harmful and being more masculine will help them survive. Well that’s exactly me! Only that I realise that I’m more leaning towards my feminine side this time around.

    I have always been feminine with my joy in expressing creativity in my work. I love perfumes, nice smells and pampering myself. It’s just that being this way is deemed as lazy and unproductive by my parents and mostly by the environment around me. So, it’s me who needs to enjoy and validate the feminine side of me.

    Today, I’m feeling messy because I am so exhausted I think my health is giving way because I didn’t rest, drink and eat enough. I already undereat during non-fasting month. So by eating less (not intentionally) during fasting month of course is going to set me back. It’s one of the things I need to seriously take care of.

    So much things to do, I want to make a new pair of baju raya for me also, study-wise, a lot of catching up to do. It feels so out of hand for me already. Things for book publisher, for my supervisor, for my data collection. My work is fine and I’m so grateful for it. Only that I have so much pending projects to do which I have no clue yet how am I gonna finish them. My mom expects me to help her so does my grandma. I was also a bit anxious cause my man is not responding to my call for connection. So that agitated me a bit. Good grief that we have delivered the new BodyPump release at the gym, so that lighten the load for myself a little bit.

    I realised that though what I’ve been doing is for my future (hopefully!), I feel that I’m not doing enough for me, to make time doing what makes me feel good, what makes me feel alive and happy – to express myself. So despite of pressure to move things forward, I just decided not to do anything and relax, focus on myself.

    What I like about me this year is that I stuck with my financial system that I managed to control my spending and actually saved some money for myself. Though I still have a long way to go, I feel optimistic with the way I handled it. I want to learn more about money and relate better with it.

    I also becoming better at caring and standing up for myself, doing what I want to do versus doing what people expect me to do. For that, I wanna thank and pat myself at the back for such good work. Omg, this was so not me just 4 years ago!

    You are doing great Nurul. You are not behind, you are exactly where you want to be. Now let’s get ready to spend the day for myself that is to make baju raya instead of just doing study work and worrying about them!

  • DBA Milestone: Beginning of Semester 5!

    Time flies so fast, I can’t remember what I did during Semester 4. Our requirements were to present our progress in colloquium and present and publish an article which I did them both. I drafted my Chapter 4 and Chapter 5 but have not gotten around to complete them. I initiated data collection preparation as well while waiting for my REC application to come through. Now is to follow up my data collection process which I need to execute and collect the actual data. So many parties and people involved. First I needed a system to track my progress and record all the contact details and the status of contact with relevant parties and agencies.

    On data collection, what I did so far:

    • Find an application and demonstration site
    • Get IoT application supplier and actual farmer to get involved
    • Enhanced the BM translations of my questionnaires, though not checked yet
    • Getting contacts of RISDA officers statewide and Jabatan Pertanian Sabah

    What needs to be done:

    • Finalised my BM translations
    • Create educational and awareness video for the survey
    • Compile the survey presentations to be distributed towards respondents
    • Follow up with agencies
    • Plan my data collection trips

    On writing, I gotta start writing templates of my reports and read more on methodology. For instance, get better understanding on the statistical sense why I choose my sampling method and how I came about with the quantity of the respondents. I also need to get ready my PLS-SEM model as according to my proposed framework.

    To be honest, it felt a lot for one person to do all this in just a few months. But I am so excited already and really looking forward to collect all my data. I can do this. Lets begin the semester with better systems and more clarity!

  • Dealing with Shame and Disappointment

    I missed a deadline that I had promised to meet! It is an opportunity, a shot to be published in Taylor & Francis. I tried so hard to write and finish a book chapter manuscript eventhough I was given only about a month to get it done. It is so important to me as an aspiring tech consultant to get my ideas and views get across. Last night, I was planning to continue writing and get it done – the deadline already past in Malaysian timezone, but not in UK. I don’t think I am the only one who have thought of pushing it like that using the timezone as buffer. By 12.30 am, I was so exhausted and I felt that I am going to stress my body further if I did not go to bed and rest. I wrote an email asking for deadline extension – knowing full well how UK people work and just hoping for a little window of time to complete my paper.

    This morning I got up as usual, the time I got up for work. I felt a deep sense of shame and disappointment on myself. This felt too familiar. I looked up on Google if it’s common for writers to ask for extension. Turned out a lot of people do! I felt better. Then, to my instinct, I searched on how much does it cost to publish a book chapter – I was shocked to find out the answer (from as little as USD800 to thousands). I felt so much better. Maybe God is protecting me and showing me how to prepare better for a book project.

    It got me into deep thinking why did I feel shame so much. My feelings of fear, the desperation to finish, the anxiety and mind-racing structuring what I would write in the midst of idle times were all too intense and real. There I was again, in fight mode. I was not in grave danger, but my body and responses felt like it. Then, I told myself, I had never been taught how to deal with shame and disappointment when I was little. I had a conversation with my nephew on winning and losing on how to deal with it. It was so funny when I listen to my own compassionate advice to others, the disappointment for not ‘winning’ did not feel so bad. I broke my routine and did uncomfortable things to make it work, that made me upset too. What’s worse that can happen if I didn’t publish my journal? Partly it was ego – I am not used to ‘losing’, secondly, I wanted to publish so bad – it is fine, I am human with feelings.

    The feeling of shame and disappointment were so intense early in the morning. I was so tired and did not enjoy teaching today. I feel like I am unknowingly going to autopilot again, except that what I had trained to adapt, becoming routine – as in I don’t struggle anymore. Isn’t that great that I am progressing with my supertiring days. Intense feeling is there to feel and to process what did not work with me. It is up to me to receive the signal and feel all the emotions. My strong emotion is my strength.

    Recently I was driving to work feeling so anxious that I was swearing to any car that drove slower than 50kmph in front of me. I don’t know, rush hour traffic drives me mad and the people here are not the best of drivers (me included) – but yeah driving with anxiety and feeling pissed off never are a good combo. It felt too real, I wonder sometimes how come I feel that strongly to the point of hyperventilating and I can feel the reactions of my body if I feel something. Most of the times, I need time to ground myself and recompose. Sometimes I can, sometimes I can’t and just stayed pissed off and moody. Maybe I am good at expressing my emotions (not verbally), that people can feel it without me saying anything. During the drive, I asked myself why was I so pissed off and anxious – the answer to that was I was late and did not prepared enough for class or I had other stuff pending to do. I actually arrived gym on time as usual, not a single minute late – only a few minutes later than what I am comfortable to. Things led to another, I came to conclusion that I was mostly disappointed with myself because I held myself highly accountable to my own high expectations. It’s good to have and maintain standards, but I have trouble accepting if things don’t go my way – as in life, it rarely does which I often get if I stay obsessed (maybe I need to challenge this so that I can relax and not hold on to some idea so tightly.)

  • Data Collection Timeline

    I am getting agitated with the whole deadlines needed to meet early this year. Thank God I have fulfilled everything needed for Semester 4. I have got 2 more semesters, that is more or less 6-8 months left to complete everything on my research. Still I feel I am not doing enough and had to accelerate a bit. So stressful! I have got to strategy on completing my painting jobs as well. I will probably visit navy base on the next CNY public holidays 10&11 Feb.

    Video production (3&4/2)

    • Outline of script – info to share
    • Filming and script for Owan’s Farm – content include their operation and a bit of testimonial
    • Manual guide on how to use the system

    Pre-test

    • Set deadline (push until 10/2)
    • List of people to respond
    • Prepare PLS-SEM
    • Pretest analysis and find preliminary results by mid-Feb (15/2)

    First distribution

    • Email/Contact and get database from PIC – call and contact Jabatan Pertanian Sabah (29/1)
    • Distribute according to cluster
    • Finalise BM language version before 4/2

  • DBA Milestone: Data Collection

    So thrilled that my REC application for data collection has already been approved! I have everything ready and found a working IoT application to supply with my questionnaire. It’s just a blessing and a coincidence that it came upon me to check on my cousin who is doing a fertigation chillies farm. I knew he mentioned something about creating a new IoT application. When I came and paid a visit to have a look at his farm and the system, it was exactly what I was looking for!

    Showed and explained to my supervisors about the plan, they were all so thrilled about it. I also called and coordinated with RedTONE the supplier for the system. They seemed OK with it. Everything is just ready for me to launch.

    A few things I need to prepare for data collection include:

    • Check BM translation for the questionnaire – get Bobby to check the language
    • Send English questionnaires for pre-test
    • Set timeline for data collection (Gantt chart)
    • Video productions for 1) IoT awareness what it is and benefits, 2) application of IoT system with Adek’s farm and the system, on how to use
    • Beware of the need to translate to Chinese language
    • Get RISDA to be involved and RedTONE
    • Send email with details to RedTONE
    • Get estimated revenue per cycle and costs from Adek after using the IoT
    • Join workshops organised by Jabatan Pertanian to gather data (strategy)

    Out of data collection, I am so thrilled that my proposal to write a chapter for a book under Taylor & Francis got accepted. I also have to ask Dr Jain if I can join courses that I failed under other UiTM campus. May God help me. I am so grateful for this progress.

  • Exploring IoT applications for agriculture

    Next phase of my research is determining which application I could use as base for my respondents to answer questions. While looking for it, I might as well, at the same time build the Google Form questionnaire as planned before. We’re close to get approval from the ethical body, so I expect by January 2024, I could ask for data already.

    Challenges in finding appropriate application include finding a cheap or open source solution that could fulfill the basic needs in terms of operation, technical complexity (as cited being one of the problems) and cost that is affordable. My course of action would be, to vet softwares from:

    1. Google search
    2. Google Scholar
    3. Academic research database

    I need to get one and analyse before releasing my questionnaire and probably have to host the software on my server and create a video as demonstration. My supervisor also advised me to create a timeline for data collection. I have roughly six months to compile everything from here on. I will update on my findings after I have finished with the software analysis and vetting.

  • DBA Milestone: Research & Conference

    So what is up with my DBA studies?

    In my 4th Semester already. For this semester, we are required to write and publish research paper for a conference proceeding, attend 1 colloquium and some other requirements like progress meeting with supervisors and completing our Chapter 4 & 5.

    My data collection procedures are halted for a bit due to waiting the long process of research ethical approval. In the mean time, I am still figuring out how to demonstrate the IoT application and select a simple one to be presented to my respondents.

    Good news, I have written a review paper and presented in a recent conference organised by Indonesian university, the University Negeri Jakarta (UNJ). It was a cool experience, and really, after all my experiences doing presentation and whatnots over the years, I had little nerves doing presentation and require less time for preparations compared to how I was years before. I enjoyed sharing my findings and on my field of studies to people that I am actually looking forward for more opportunities to write and present my research. I will share the paper once it’s ready and published by the organiser. In the mean time, this was my presentation during the event – here in PDF format.

    So next, I need to pay for my fees, figuring out where I am in my writing, and select and IoT application so that when my ethics were cleared, I am good to go and collect my data as fast as I can.

    I am going to be good!

  • Blocks and Obstacles of Writing

    I am in a week towards the end of submission for my journal article. It’s a few pages work. I am so anxious to start. I came up with a structure, but haven’t really start writing anything on it yet. People suggested me to use Quillbot. I never used one. Might check it out in a few minutes.

    I am so not ready to do anything today, but guess I need to start slowly. My house is in a mess, I haven’t eaten lunch, it’s almost dinner time. I don’t feel like eating, but I should. So what’s my strategy now?

    Normally, I would just write everything on my mind. Or I could summarise what I have written for my proposal. Copy and paste here and there and touch up later. I really need to work on a timeline for this.

    Saturday – Sunday: Rough draft, just keep some contents in. Target page count, check on format

    Monday: Refine and feedback from lecturers – iterate until Friday

    Friday: Formatting check and submission

    Ok, this could work. Now let’s have something to eat. I have got my coffee already. Screw him, let’s get back to work.