Today I’m feeling the heaviness and grief again. Woke up feeling really sluggish, even the meditation did not calm me down.
I’m feeling overwhelm thinking of what’s gonna happen in a few days during event, and how I’m gonna need a week to recover my body so that I can be my best with my body in teaching.
Then again, this might not be true. I tend to have this catastrophic thinking. I’ll do well out of this. There’s so much fear with events, the tiredness, the unproductivity, the crowd and people. Maybe I should just focus on what I needed to do and have faith that the other people will do their jobs.
I worry on meeting my supervisors, I’m so tired dealing with them and with the load I needed to do for this study. I kind of sense their character flaws. Not that I’m better than them, but I feel that they are putting inconsiderately and unnecessary perfectionistic expectations on something that is less important than the whole process of research itself. I can negotiate with them and tell them how I feel tomorrow.
I’m thinking how much I do miss him and the absurdity of my brain still looking for good justification why he did what he did. Then I stopped myself, to not think about it, but just feel my emotions fleeting. We did have good times, so my body is craving for it. Just observe, the intensity will fade. He still is the asshole that he is, for treating me with disrespect; remember that.
My whole body is aching too. I didn’t know I have a weak back and upper body until I did CrossFit and powerlifting. Maybe I’ll feel better after stretching, shower and have a good breakfast.
Everything I need to deal today, it’s gonna be fine and okay.