How sad it is when the only person you are comfortable updating on yourself and your day is your 6 years old niece. She is the most amazing girl in the world that I have known. I hope she continues to be that way even after the world breaks her heart – I pray that she is strong and resilient in navigating her life in the future.
Feeling so messed up and upset today. Because I am trying to finish a website update today, but found it so stressful and time-consuming. At first, I resent my brother for asking me and rushing me to do it for free. When I dug deeper, firstly, he never said it’s for free, secondly, they have been asking for a while already. So yeah I should be responsible for this, and not to do the same mistake again. I am so out of touch for doing all this design things. It’s so frustrating.
The other thing that bothers me is that I really dislike it when I’m not treated as if I have a choice. So this lecturer I sense that he is manipulative in his ways to get what he wants. I’m so not gonna be part of his agenda. When I declined to do what he wanted, he had the audacity to text my mom about it. So frustrating. It triggered me a lot, I felt so much hatred for my mom. Like, I don’t feel safe with her anymore. It’s like, I need help but knowing my parents it felt like I need to exchange that help with something towards their favour. The feeling of shame and guilt for receiving their help is still there. I just don’t trust my parents and my family.
And then, I have financial issues, I mean I created them too. My wages from teaching now is exactly the amount that I had wanted, actually given more. It’s the additional commitments to pay for trainings that made me overspent, as well as impulsive eating. I’m tired of having limited choice, but I need to choose and cut back to live peacefully. If I love myself, I gotta cut back until I can earn more. Food and fuel is more important than fancy training.
The thing about the lecturer, I chose to toughen it up, it’s not my mom’s fault. I am an adult and I have the choice to do what I want – as long as I’m still doing what’s necessary for my studies. And as for my brother’s request, I’m so gonna send him an invoice later.
Stand up for yourself, Nurul. You got this!